Original subtitles

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[SHUSHING]

Who the heck is that at 5:00 in the morning?

They'll wake up the whole house.

[YELLS] Niles!

Oh, good. You heard me.

Van Gogh heard you.

He's dead and missing an ear.

Well, that's attractive.

Oh, it's a bite plate. I grind my teeth.

You know, my cousin Eileen

ground her teeth down to the gums.

She doesn't smile much anymore,

but my cousin Bob has never been happier.

What? You sleep in your makeup?

Honey, do you see a ring on this finger?

What if there was a fire?

Do I need some gorgeous fireman climbing over me

to save the 16-year-old heiress?

Ma, what are you doing here so early?

This is how you sleep?

Where are your earrings?

Good girl.

Oh, hello, Niles. Good morning.

Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?

No.

Could I?

So, as long as I'm here,

how did the date with the doctor go?

The date was canceled.

Oh, well, you're gonna have to get used to that

when you're the surgeon's wife.

He's a tree surgeon, Ma.

Meanwhile, you can still make reservations under "Dr. and Mrs."

Ma, listen, I canceled the date.

Darling, you think I'm gonna hit you?

Well...

You decided not to see a doctor?

What are you, sick?

The kids needed me.

Fran, you're obsessed with these people.

When are you gonna get a life of your own?

You know, Ma, I wanted to surprise you,

but I did meet someone.

He's a very successful investment banker

worth zillions.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

The only thing is I had to sign a prenup.

You see, Ma? I could kill you if I want.

Now, lay off.

Fine. Live alone,

have no one to talk to across the dining table,

no one to make love with.

Believe me, darling, I know what that's like.

Ma, you have Daddy.

Where am I losing you?

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Glen, we couldn't possibly open our new show without you.

Look what you did for Sunset Boulevard.

Sure, I'll hold.

You missed a spot.

Where?

There.

Oh, nothing. Just playing with the domestic's head.

Uh-huh.

Maxwell, your coffee's ready.

I'm never gonna pass this test.

I might as well just go to a locksmith college.

B, you're gonna do great, honey.

Just go out there and bring me home an A.

Fran, you're supposed to tell him to do his best

or you'll make him feel undue pressure

and he'll develop performance anxiety.

I have a history of that with men. B!

B, you know what? Pass or fail,

what difference does it make, really?

The important thing is, in four years, you get your trust fund.

-Have a good day at school. -Thank you, Fran, bye.

Oh, peace at last.

Finally I can do something for myself.

Niles, would you pour me a cup of coffee and give me the paper?

Miss Fine, it's right there.

[GROANING]

Thank you.

Oh, why do they show pictures with wedding announcements?

Who cares what someone looks like if they're not available?

Divorce announcements,

that's where I want to see a picture.

-[BELL BUZZING] -Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, Fran, I'm desperate.

Well, join the club.

We meet once a year at the Coliseum.

Here I am, I'm 33 years old...

[COUGHING]

How old did you say?

I thought you two were in the same class.

Well, I skipped a few grades. I was very brilliant.

She got left back.

[SIGHING]

I can't stand living at home anymore.

My parents treat me like a child.

Well, you can't afford rent on your allowance.

Maybe if I got a roommate...

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on, Fran.

I found this great place

just crawling with single guys.

You could still work here during the day

and, you know, maybe have a life.

Have you been talking to my mother?

Please. It's bad enough I have to talk to my mother.

Now you think I spend my spare time talking to yours?

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm never going to meet a rich, eligible bachelor around this place.

Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

Oh, what am I talking about?

I have a life.

I got a date with a podiatrist.

A foot doctor? Mmm-hmm.

You better go do your toes.

Oh. Unless, of course, you don't have personal time.

Oh, Val, this is only my first date.

What am I, a tramp?

These little piggies don't have to go to his market so fast.

Is that a bunion poking through your shoe,

or are you just happy to see me?

Maybe I shouldn't open with that.

Hey, Fran.

Brighton, Brighton!

You're not five years old anymore.

Why don't you knock?

Because I'm not five years old anymore.

At least Niles pretends to vacuum.

So we've got a date tonight? Yes, we do.

Where's he taking you? What's he do for a living?

Ma! Go out of here.

You have more privacy on a kibbutz.

Fran, when are you going to help me

with my dinosaur project?

Oh, honey, honey, I promise, I promise I'll do it tomorrow.

[WHINING]

Gracie, that whining is so annoying.

Where did you pick that up?

MAGGIE: Fran, help! My hair's caught in my blow dryer!

Oh, I should have stopped after one.

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

She's not here.

[GIGGLING]

I've never played footsie with a pro before.

Relax. It's not like we're two kids out on the porch

and your dad's flicking the lights.

Yeah.

Fran, you're 24 years old.

Well...

Not till July.

He shouldn't be doing this to you.

I know.

Daddy!

Maybe I should go. I'll call you.

Oh, bye. Thank you.

Oh, good. You're back.

Brighton insists you tuck him in.

We'll discuss that later.

Margaret is sobbing in front of a mirror,

"My bangs! My bangs!"

And I have a dinosaur perma-glued to my hand.

What?

What?

Didn't you see what just happened?

I was in the middle of a date,

and you interrupted me.

Well... calm down, Miss Fine.

It happens so infrequently.

No.

You are always cutting into my personal time.

No, I meant you having a date.

Meanwhile, I'm not the one sitting home on a Saturday night

with his hand glued to his brontosaurus.

Just tell me how to get it off.

Try blowing in his ear.

All right. There's a special trick.

Put your other hand over your mouth.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

You know, I'm telling you, Mr. Sheffield,

between you and the kids,

I don't have a life of my own.

Maybe I should've told Val I'd move into that apartment with her.

Come on, Miss Fine, you live upstairs and you're late for work.

Well, excuse me, but I like to look presentable.

I'm not the type to come down to breakfast

looking like a schlub

in a big bathrobe and fuzzy slipper...

Look, the point is...

we're getting off the subject, here.

The thing is, you don't have to get so defensive with me

just because I said that I might need some space.

I know you'd miss me.

Yes, well, let's see, what would I miss most...

sitting on your Daisy Razor every time I step into the Jacuzzi tub,

or having to readjust my treadmill every morning

after you've set it to schlep?

You know, you're no prize to live with either, mister.

I got a newsflash for you.

That accent of yours?

Very annoying.

And why, every time you leave the room,

do you have to mention cereals?

What the bloody hell are you talking about now?

Cheerios! Cheerios!

Well, I'll have you know you have some

pretty annoying little habits of your own.

Well, I'm waiting. Give me your best shot.

All right. Fine. Get your own place.

You'll come crawling back.

Only after you beg me,

'cause you won't even last a week without me.

What, you think I'm incapable of putting three children to sleep?

No. Not at all. Just plop them

in the front row of your new show.

All right. That's it. Out. Go on, get out.

I--I want to be seeing you from the rear.

Oh, it's too late for flattery now, mister.

[BOTH] Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

[BOTH MUMBLING]

..incorporated! ..incorporated!

Oh, my God. Val...

This is it?

Well, I said it was a little small.

"A little small"?

Thing had more room than this.

Well, at least it's a roof over our heads

to keep us dry from the rain.

It's not raining, Val.

Hey, lady! Curb your dog!

Oh, my God! A roach! A roach!

Well, take your shoe off and kill it.

Oh, my God.

I moved in with Forrest Gump.

Val, I can't believe you leased this place.

Boy, I'd like to see the moron

that talked you into this dump.

Hello.

Welcome, ladies, to my humble commode.

You got that right.

So, let me guess. You're the landlord?

Oh, no. You flatter me.

I share the landlording responsibilities

with my significant other other, Leonard.

Why, we've been together now for, oh, 17 years.

17 years and still no children.

[TUTTING]

But we keep trying.

The place is just crawling with single men, Val?

Perhaps somebody should have thought twice

before renting an apartment

across the street from the Judy Holliday Inn.

[COUGHING]

Excuse me, ladies.

I must bid you a doo-doo

because tonight is our 17th anniversary

and Leonard is very busy preparing a beef bourguenine.

17 is meat.

All right. Calm down.

There's got to be at least a couple guys here

who'll be interested in us.

SINGER:♪♪ Clang, clang, clang went the trolley ♪♪

♪♪ Ding, ding, ding went the bell ♪♪

[JACKHAMMER DRILLING]

Oh, my God.

Val! Val! I overslept.

I'm gonna be late for work.

What are we doing up at the crack of dawn?

I don't think it's dawn's crack we're looking at.

Well, there you go. It's 8:03.

She's late.

The tramp, she probably woke up in some gigolo's apartment.

What luck. She can probably return your toiletries.

Oh, I just love being an independent woman.

Niles, thanks for the casserole.

The whites are in the wash. The darks are in the sink.

MAXWELL: So, who's the bigger nut,

the woman who takes two buses and a subway

in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers,

or the man who pays her to raise his children?

Nanny Fine, it must be great to have your own place

and not be just a brunette Kato Kaelin.

Like he's a natural blond.

Of all people not to know that.

Oh, Fran, I'm so jealous.

So, are there any cute guys in your new building?

Oh, are you kidding? They're coming out of the closet.

So, uh, tell me,

how was your first night without me?

Well, actually, Miss Fine,

the evening went off without a hitch.

Yes, we did our homework,

we tidied our rooms,

we roughhoused.

And then Mr. Sheffield came home from the club.

Niles, maybe you should close the window

before your Christmas bonus flies out.

I'm going to be late. Dad, I need that 50 bucks for those books in school today.

Well, right. Yes, here you go, Son.

Have a good day at school. Bye.

Uh, Dad, I need some lunch money.

Oh, right. There you are, sweetheart.

Thanks.

So, you see, Miss Fine?

I can manage perfectly well without you.

Uh-huh.

You do know it's Saturday?

SINGER: ♪♪ Celebrate good times ♪♪

♪♪ Come on ♪♪

Oh, live and let live.

Isn't this great?

It's Saturday night, and we're living in a building

filled with guys.

All gay.

I could change them.

Val, did I forget to thank you for picking a building

walking distance from Grandma Yetta's home?

SINGER:♪♪ There's a party going on right here ♪♪

♪♪ A celebration ♪♪

Uh, may we please be excused?

No.

This is family time.

We should talk about... family things.

Okay.

When you go,

have you already decided who gets what,

or can we go around and put little stickers on stuff?

All right. You may be excused.

Thank you.

Niles, old man, pull up a chair and have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you, sir.

There you go.

May I have some cream, sir?

Yeah, of course, old man.

Say when.

When.

I'll take a little sugar.

Oh, two lumps.

And I've got such a yen for those Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano...

Don't push it, Niles.

Yes, sir.

You know, Niles,

it really is rather peaceful

without having Miss Fine flapping about.

You see, this is what a real nanny is supposed to do.

Take care of the children, then go home.

How do you propose we get her back?

I don't know. Any ideas?

Well,

I'm on my way home.

Unless, of course, there's something

you need me for that you can't admit to.

No.

Unless there's some reason you want to stay that you can't fess up to.

Huh! Fat chance.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh.

Ma, what are you doing here?

I came to talk to him.

I beg your pardon?

How can you sleep at night

knowing my daughter is living in that dump,

traveling back and forth at all hours of the night?

Ma, you can't talk to my boss like that.

And you. Pack your bags. You're moving back in.

No! I'm a grown woman. I'm not afraid of you.

[EXCLAIMING]

I'm sorry, Mommy.

Sylvia, it appears your daughter has made her decision.

And it's simply not your place...

I'll send the limo for her things.

Ma, this is the most embarrassing thing you have ever...

oh, good, he's gone. Ma, you were fabulous!

I owe you.

All I ask in return is a cup of coffee,

a few Snackwells

and maybe a grandchild.

Well, let's start with the cup of coffee.

That I can make by myself.

Sylvia, you were sublime.

Here, as promised,

two tickets toShow Boat for you and Morty.

Oh.

I guess we'll eat at home first.

And dinner for two at Sardi's.

Oh, if you insist.

So, I--I take it you're moving back in.

Well, you know, for Ma's sake.

Well, she only has your interests at heart.

How much did it cost you?

Show Boat You?

Grandchildren.

Uh, look, um, I intended this as an apartment-warming present,

but, uh, well...

Welcome home.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

that is so sweet.

Judy Garland.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]