Original subtitles

Concede, Brighton.

I've got you in two moves.

You're done.

Finished. Toast.

[EXCLAIMING]

Sir, when it's time to choose

who pulls the plug on the life support,

go with the girls.

Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes.

Would you stop futzing with my skirt?

Can you believe her? Stop it!

Oh, Miss Fine, she's a mother. She's just pulling it down.

She's my mother. She's hiking it up.

Oh, I get it.

Preparing the virgin for the big sacrifice, huh?

-Yeah, if it was 1980. -Ma!

Meanwhile, show some "de colla tessin".

Stop it, Ma.

I'm not some over-the-hill hussy,

desperate to...

Oh, how's this?

Now, aren't you glad I forced you to go to the Hadassah hoedown?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

She thought that you could meet the man of her dreams

hanging around gay bars.

Ma, I said Zabar's.

I'm getting you a Miracle-Ear.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hurry up, Miss Fine.

You're not getting any younger.

I'm not the one that looks like Lily Munster.

Meanwhile, I just met the man a week ago.

It takes a while to form a relationship.

I don't even know if we're compatible.

You know, he's a doctor.

Ah! That explains why he's trying to remove her tonsils.

Oh, can you believe this?

Ever since The Beatles, I've wanted to meet

a sexy guy with an English accent.

Guess they're all at the Hadassah hoedown.

Meanwhile, you should've come.

There were a lot of nice girls there for you.

Big hair, lots of makeup, tight clothes...

Not my style, but he goes for that type.

Jules, before I forget, come for dinner Sunday.

I'll take the plastic off the couch.

That sounds delicious.

-Laugh at his jokes. -Ow!

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Oh, Maxwell, I can barely keep my eyes open.

I have got to get out of here.

C.C., do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes! Why?

Miss Fine.

No! Why?

She met a gentleman.

I--I--I mean, yes. Yes. Yes.

I'll stick with yes.

They spend every waking moment together.

It's just not...

Fair, sir?

What I was going to say before my -

back off - butler interrupted was

she's only just met the man.

It's all happening so fast.

That's why the lady is a tramp.

Coffee?

Yes. Please.

[YELLS]

Knock, knock. Mr. Sheffield, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Miss Fine, Grace's school telephoned.

Apparently she's coming home with a head full of chocolate cake.

Oh, don't worry. That'll come right out.

I'll just take her to my mother's Weight Watchers meeting.

[SCREAMS]

Miss Fine, aren't you disturbed

that there's a boy in Grace's class

who's pummeling her with food every day?

No. Boys throw food to relieve sexual tension,

unlike girls, who just stuff their faces.

Please. That is such a fallacy.

Well, if you don't need me anymore,

Jules is taking me to a matinee.

Do you want me to bring you home some bonbons?

-Thought so. -Ah, the theater.

Well, that's something you don't get a lot of around here.

What are you going to see?

Oh, I forget the title.

It's got cleaning fluid in it, though.

Formula 409,

Comet, Lysol?

-The Fantasticks? -Yeah. That's it.

You want to meet him, Miss Babcock?

Oh, Nanny Fine, I'd love to meet the man

who's taking you away from Max...

A million...

Shell...

Oil.

Oh, nice save.

Well, I'll go get him. He's right outside.

He's playing chess with Brighton.

It's so cute the way he lets him win.

He's going to make a great father someday.

Wait a minute. If Nanny Fine's boyfriend is here,

who's in the chicken suit at the Padres game?

[LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

He's gorgeous.

Oh, cheer up.

Perhaps he brought a friend for you.

[WHISTLING]

No.

C.C., MD.

M&M?

So, Jules. Had I known you were going to the theater,

I would have gotten you house seats.

-I know the star. -I know the producer.

I know the director. I know the theater owner.

-I talk to God. -Jules.

Jules, put that back in your pants.

I can't stand to see two grown men

fight about who's got the biggest connection.

Please, Sylvia, why--why don't you join us?

Oh, no. I--I just came over to see how Fran's date went.

Make like I'm not even here.

Are you sure we can't offer you something?

No, thank you. I had a Yoplait this morning around 10:30.

Oh.

Such a big potato for such a little girl.

Look at the time.

They must be having a ball.

I'm going to go in the kitchen.

I need a meat to wash this down with.

I don't know about you guys, but I like Jules.

And he has yet to beat me in chess.

Oh, God, Brighton. He throws every game.

Do you see how easy it is to bond?

I wouldn't get too attached to the bloke if I were you.

We all know Miss Fine's relationships eventually end in disaster.

He asked me to marry him!

Right on the money as always, sir.

That is so cool, Fran. Congratulations.

I know! I know. I can't believe it.

I'm so excited! I couldn't eat a...

Oh, kielbasa.

Sweet and sour cabbage. Hit me again.

Oh, such a big corn for such a little girl.

-He asked you to marry him? -Uh-huh.

You've barely known the man for two weeks.

Hmm.

What, you think it's so hard to believe

a man would fall in love with me that fast?

Yeah, Todd and I knew each other three minutes

before I got a pudding pack right in the eye.

There you go.

Look, you know nothing about this man.

All right, so he's a doctor.

Is he a specialist?

You ain't just whistling Dixie, baby.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is so exciting. So, can I be a bridesmaid?

FRAN: I know the doctor asked me to marry him,

but I didn't say, "Yes."

[THUDDING]

This is delicious.

SYLVIA: Why don't you grab a knife

and stick it straight through my heart?

That was great. She sounded just like...

Ma! Ma!

Ma, let go of my ankle!

SYLVIA: You'd better run.

FRAN: Brighton, is she taking off her shoe?

BRIGHTON: No, but she's going to hurl a corn.

Ma,

put down the vegetable

and no one gets hurt.

All right. Help me to understand.

Which was the biggest turn off?

The fact that Jules was gorgeous,

rich, or a doctor?

Did I mention he was Jewish?

Darling, I only say this because I love you.

You're a glorified cleaning girl.

This could be your last chance.

Oh, Ma, I didn't say, "No."

I just said I'd think about it.

Okay, I did.

You mean, "I do."

Yeah!

Ma, you may kiss the bride.

-Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. -Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

You know, Miss Fine, I think you're very wise not to rush into this.

You're far too sensible a woman to marry a man you've just...

[SHRIEKS]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did this fork accidentally puncture your tuchus?

Sweetheart, I want you to have

the most beautiful engagement ring that money can buy.

Oh, Julesie.

I don't know if I could go through with this.

Getting married?

No.

Buying retail.

Let's go.

Now, you know, Jules, I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.

I just want a simple ring.

That's a nice little stone.

Madam, that's a crystal ashtray.

I was talking about the shape,

like the shape of that crystal pineapple over there.

No. That's a ring.

Whip it out, honey.

-[EXCLAIMING] You know, I think that's a little too small.

We don't want to see anything less than five carats.

Five carats? What's up, Doc?

This one is 5.2.

We could take off 10%.

That would make the price $50,000.

Oh, a haggler.

Now we're talking my language.

Offer her 10.

-Mm. -Hmm.

I'm not too crazy about it.

It's a little cloudy.

But, sir, the stone is exquisite.

I agree with you, honey.

I think I preferred the one we saw at Van Cleef and Hormel.

I'm sorry. This just doesn't sparkle.

SHOP ASSISTANT: It sparkles plenty.

Take it outside in the sun. It'll blind you, you...

Sir.

I'll be right back.

I shall leave you, my little jewel.

WOMAN: So, when's the big event?

Well...

If he buys this ring, I'll tell you,

he could get lucky in just a few...

Oh, you meant the wedding date.

Oh, actually, we haven't talked about setting a date yet.

-Where... Where's your fiancé? -Oh, I'll get him.

Ma'am, stay where you are, please!

-He's probably right outside. -Guard!

What's the matter? He probably went to put money in the meter.

[GASPS] Oh, no! We don't have a car!

He's gone.

I'll call the police. You hold her.

Oh, Jules, how could you do this to me?

He's a doctor. He didn't need the money.

Hillary's health plan didn't go through.

Oh, I can't believe this is happening.

He got along so well with my parents.

He wanted them to move in with us.

Well, that should've tipped me off right there.

We've been looking for Jules Kimball for over three years.

Dr. Kimball is a fugitive? What are the odds?

He is not a doctor, Miss Fine.

[GASPS] Really?

So when he lanced my mother's boil, it was just for fun?

Miss Fine, I don't want to say I told you so,

but I never trusted the man.

You know, I can spot a con artist a mile off.

[SCOFFS] This from a man who paid me time and a half

to work on Hebrew National Day.

Why me?

He usually preys on women over 30.

You know, single, desperate,

lonely.

Like I said, why me?

Oh, Miss Fine, cheer up.

This isn't the stupidest thing you've ever done.

Well, that's true.

The stupidest thing I ever did

was Windexing your Monet.

Or should I say, "Your Mon?"

Miss Fine, this came for you.

Oh, an engagement present.

How humiliating.

Just put it upstairs with the rest of them.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Where is she? Where's my baby?

I rushed over as soon as they finished my hair.

Mommy!

I just hope the police find that creep before I do.

My Francine is not desperate.

She can have any man she wants.

[EXCLAIMING]

But not forever, so don't let yourself go.

Ma! This is all her fault.

Ever since I was a little girl,

she's always pushing me to get married.

I never pushed.

When I was a little girl, every affair we'd go to,

she would throw the centerpiece at me and say,

"Here! Think fast."

Miss Fine, I'm sure your mother only meant well.

NILES: Yeah, they always do.

Like when they stop you from pursuing a singing career

to follow in your father's footsteps as a subservient slave.

And loving every minute of it, sir.

Now, Sylvia, if truth be told,

I think you were a little more gung-ho

about this marriage than Miss...

[EXCLAIMS]

Damn. I broke my nail.

I'll leave you two alone.

I can't believe I lost my figure for the likes of you.

You lost your figure for the likes of Winchell's, Ma.

I have low blood sugar.

The doctor prescribed donuts.

And who prescribed the ice cream floats?

Dr. Pepper?

Fran, I can hear you all the way upstairs.

Oh, her voice travels.

Honey, I'm sorry. Go up to your room.

Okay, but you have some major issues with your mother

stemming from your failure

to live up to her expectations.

Uh, come back here. Come back here.

Can you believe how advanced she is?

Boy, when I was her age,

I was hanging bagels from my ears, playing Princess Leia.

I think you need some therapy.

[BOTH] No. She'll never change.

I meant together.

Now, let's see.

Who would be good for you?

My doctor's too cerebral.

Dr. Lehrman?

No, his couch is too itchy.

Oh, forget it, sweetheart.

I'm not the type of person

that can lie on a couch

and cry and scream about how miserable I am.

Please! Put a Lean Cuisine on your lap

and 400 Almond Joy wrappers under the cushions

and you'd be home.

So, ladies, what brings you to therapy?

Well, I came because my mother has an obsession

with me getting married.

I came because my daughter

has a delusion that I have an obsession.

I came because they brought me,

and I don't know how to get home from here.

Meanwhile, for 100 bucks a session,

she could've put out some coffee and some Nilla wafers.

Ma, brush yourself off.

You look like a veal cutlet.

SYLVIA: Look, at a certain point,

I believe a daughter has to stop

blaming her mother for everything.

This is your fault.

-Me? -Yeah.

You're the one who kept pushing me to have children.

They're nothing but heartache.

That's right, cookie. It's payback time.

THERAPIST: So, you seem to be harboring a lot of hostility.

-Who? -Who?

Don't nag the kid all the time.

She should get married when she wants to.

Not just 'cause she got knocked up

by the seltzer man like I...

Like I heard people do.

Ma!

Is that why I love egg cream?

Oh, Ma. Buy your own hour.

This one is for me, right?

Huh?

Sorry. I drifted off.

Oh, that's not your fault.

Most people say our voices are very soothing.

-Yeah, I get that a lot. -That's true.

All the time.

[CRYING] Franny, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I just want you to have a full life.

You don't have to be married to have a full life, Ma.

Sure, I'd like to someday, but if I don't,

it doesn't mean my life was worthless,

right?

Right?

Right?

Right.

I know you think I'm not all there,

but in my day

we didn't air our dirty laundry in public.

Welcome to the '80s!

Hi, kids.

Fran, whatever you do, do not let Gracie touch this board.

It's your move, Dad!

Oh, you beat your father. All right, B.

Look what you did, Gracie.

Oh, Fran, I have to break up with Todd.

I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Oh, sweetie. It's your first crush.

Why don't you just enjoy it?

No, Fran. I'm really afraid of getting hurt.

Those juice boxes are hard.

All right. So you picked the wrong guy.

No biggie.

Just move on with your life, okay?

Hope he ends up in Attica

with a cellmate that finds him attractive.

Ah! You're back, Miss Fine. Good.

How did it go?

Well, my mother's thrilled.

She finally figured out

why she has an unnatural attachment to egg creams.

The Chinese food we're blaming on the man

that used to press Grandma Yetta's blouses.

Concede, Dad.

I've got you in two moves.

You're done.

Finished. Toast.

Ha!

Checkmate.

What?

What happened to this board?

Oh, never leave two queens alone together.

They'll redecorate.

Hmm.

I should've never blamed my mother, anyway.

I should've known that guy was out of my league.

Oh, no, Miss Fine. He wasn't.

He duped you.

Yeah, but I was ripe for the duping.

Once a girl's exposed to a guy like you,

so debonair and classy,

there's just no going back.

Well, I have been known to turn a few heads.

Oh, please.

Miss Babcock needs an exorcist.

-You want to hear something funny? -Mm-hmm.

The therapist said

that I was subconsciously avoiding a relationship.

Oh, please. With whom?

I know. I know.

I mean, believe me, if there was a guy out there,

single, successful, attractive,

I'd smell him a mile away.

What's that? Aramis? Yes.

You know, Grace's therapist said exactly the same thing to me.

Well, yeah. You.

No, no. Trust me, Miss Fine.

If I found a woman who loved my children,

could make me laugh and I found attractive,

I'd never let her get away. Hear, hear.

[EXCLAIMING] Hang on a second.

We're stuck on each other.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]