Original subtitles

Excuse me, Mr. Sheffield.

I just wanted to tell you that Tuesday I have to take my mother to the Bunion Center.

Oh, thank heavens you told me.

Ah, meeting with Liza Minelli, conference with Donald Trump,

Miss Fine and mother at Bunion Center.

Mr. Sheffield, it's serious.

The woman has a thumb growing off the side of her foot.

She can't even fit into her socks anymore. She has to wear a mitten.

God, I have to move out of my apartment to get my floors redone, and I cannot find a kennel.

Oh, treat yourself to a hotel.

Not me. My dog.

Chester? You're going to put Chester into cage a somewhere?

Oh, I think that's terrible to take a dog out of his warm and loving environment. Huh?

Well, anyway, you still shouldn't do it.

My Uncle Manny put his dog into a kennel, and he was never the same again.

Would you like to know what happened?

Not really.

He put his German shepherd, King, in a cage with male poodles.

P.S., all hopes of breeding him were over.

Oh, for heaven sake. He's a small dog.

He fits in a wet bar frig.

Never mind how I know that.

Hello?

Ah, Miss Babcock, why don't you just leave Chester here with us for a couple of days?

That is a wonderful idea.

Well, you know how much he loves me, and he really wouldn't be any bother at all.

Oh, you don't mind, do you, Maxwell? / No, no, of course not.

Oh, well, terrific. I'll just run home and get him.

He really won't be any trouble. He even knows how to do tricks.

He can lie down, roll over, and beg.

Gee, I wonder where he learned that.

Fran ... / Hi, honey.

Fran, you remember that gorgeous guy I told you about?

Oh, sweetie, that's like asking me if I remember when they cut up my credit card.

Jeremy Thatcher, math, third period, hair like Brad Pitt.

Up to speed. / Well, I --

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, sweetheart, there's nothing you can't share with your father.

It's a female thing.

Carry on.

Boy, if ever they run out of starter flags at the Indy 500,

all they gotta do is yell, "It's a female thing," and watch those men take off.

Anyways, I think he's going to ask me out because he asked for my phone number. / Ahhhh ...

I'm going to stay home all day in case he calls. / Oh, no, honey, you don't want to appear too anxious.

I mean, it's better to play hard to get.

That could be him. Go, go, go.

Maxwell ... / Oh, Chester ... Sweetie.

Be care. He's been in a foul mood all day.

Oh, you know, if he had a little more hair on his back,

he could be my ex-boyfriend.

All right. Enough already. Come to mama.

Oh, Maxwell, thank God you're here. I was having lunch at Fontina with a William Morris agent,

and, well, to make a long story short -- / Take note of how she does this Miss Fine.

I just nailed down the rights to our first feature film.

C.C., what would we want with film rights? We're theater producers.

Oh, Maxwell, the theater's dying. It's time we branched out.

You know, I'm with Miss Babcock on that one.

I mean, when you're paying 65 bucks to see Brook Shields singing in pedal pushers,

you know the end is near.

All right. So what film have we bought the rights to?

"Lamb Chop, the Movie."

Oh, that is so exciting.

You know, when I was a little girl, we couldn't afford a Lamb Chop doll

so Grandma Yetta would put on a white curly wig, and then she'd take her teeth out,

and grandpa would stick his hand up her blouse ...

Gee, come to think of it, I think there was a good time had by all.

So let me get this straight, C.C. I have worked with Gielgood, Burton, Olivier;

and now I'm producing a film starring a sock?

Maxwell, last year that sock topped a hundred million in merchandising.

Children, guess what. You're going to meet Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.

Oh, Lamb Chop. I just love her.

You know, if Lamb Chop had married Howdy Doody,

her name would be Lamb Doody.

I really killed them with that in kindergarten.

Answer phones on what telethon, Ma?

I said Shari Lewis is coming to the house, not Jerry Lewis. Oy ...

Miss Fine! / Oh, Ma, I gotta go. Something just hit the fan.

The category is dog.

Now for 20 points, can anyone tell me what's on the bottom of my wing tip?

Ah, I believe the young lady with the big hair buzzed in first.

Did Chester leave you a little gift? / Ssshhh!

Miss Fine, I think he meant for it to be a secret because he hid it under my desk.

Well, if I can scrape it out of your gym bag, you certainly --

oh, is that --

is that picture crooked over there?

Miss Fine, would you please keep that dog's bowels under control.

Oh, is this the biggest gross-out in the world.

And yet you spread it over a garden and you get a tomato the size of your head.

Oop. Here you go, Niles. I'll get the door.

So this means Mr. Sheffield is in his stocking feet,

and I have yet to clean up Chester's other little deposit in the -- Ohhh!

-- in the hall.

Oh, my God, it's Shari Lewis.

Hello.

I saw your lips move.

Oh, hello, Miss Chop. I'm Fran Fine, and I must tell you

that I have been a fan of yours ever since I was a little girl.

Ever sinse you were --

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That is unpossible.

I'm only six.

Oh, come on, I used to watch you on my black and white TV -- / I'm only six.

Oh, I get it. That's okay.

My mother counts in lamb years too.

Shari, welcome. Maxwell Sheffield.

Oh, how do you do? Ummm, ahhhh.

Mr. Sheffield, don't snub the lamb.

She's the whole show.

Oh, of course. Ah, Maxwell Sheffield.

Enchante, I'm sure.

Well, Shari, if you wouldn't mind, my little girl is just dying to meet you.

Cute touche. / Lamb Chop.

I'd follow him to school one day. / Oh ...

Get the feeling Lamb Chop's fleece is not as white as snow?

What grade are you in? / My grade is USDA. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Huh? / Hello. Is this thing be turned on?

Miss Lewis ... / Oh, thank you.

Oh, is that for me? / I'll get you something, Lamb Chop.

How about Woolite on the rocks?

I work alone, Benson.

Now he's upset the lamb. You better go over and pet her.

Miss Fine, I'm not petting a puppet.

Why? She's a big star.

I'll bet once in a while they all need stroking.

I didn't pet Gielgood or Olivier. / Well, maybe if you did,

you wouldn't be making "Lamb Chop, the Movie."

Oh, oh. Ahhhhhh.

Oh ...

Oh, that was nice. Don't stop.

Hello, hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Hello, Miss Lewis. C.C. Babcock.

Oh, hello. / Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhh! / What?

What did I do? / Miss Babcock, your coat.

New Zealand lamb? / So?

Maybe she had people there? / Ohhhhhh!

Take it off.

Three words she doesn't hear often.

Yes!

Niles, isn't that sweet.

You're bonding with the sheep.

Not the first time I'm sure.

Bravo.

You win.

Every dog has her day.

Maxwell, you have a beautiful house. And I want to thank you for inviting us.

We're delighted Shari. Besides, I always find hotels a little impersonal.

Ah, speak for yourself. At a hotel at least I could get a massage. Ahhhhh!

And you could use a manicure. Ohhhhh.

Anyway, Shari, I have -- I have some wonderful ideas for this film.

And I've got a few ideas of my own.

My room, later.

Better wear a rubber glove.

Why didn't you make outside? / I didn't have to go that bad.

Not you, Val. Oh, Niles, he didn't do his business.

Well, that's not his territory. Perhaps if you moved the Persian rug outside.

Aha. Gee, I don't know what's wrong with him, Val.

He had his whole meal -- ate two slippers, Brighten's homework,

and the Theater Guild award Mr. Sheffield had that sick attachment to.

Fran, I can't believe it. It finally happened.

Oh, honey, you're a year younger than when I --

wait a minute. What finally happened?

Jeremy finally asked me out. We're going to a retro drive-in movie.

Oh, a drive-in. Oh, honey. What kind of car does he drive?

A Miatta. / Four on the floor.

No back seat. / Have fun.

So where's Shari? / Oh, she's on business.

But Lamb Chop's here. / Oh, I get to meet Lamb Chop.

Oh, I promise, I won't say anything stupid.

Too late Val.

Isn't that adorable?

Bordering on psychotic, but adorable.

Ssshhh! Ssshhh! Don't wake her up.

Val, Led Zeplin couldn't wake her up.

Oh, look. / What?

Look, her little dresses.

How come she never wears them?

Val, these are Shari's. / Oh ...

I don't know what you're so shocked about. She's very petite. / Oh ...

Ohhhhh ...

Chester!

Chester,

put Lamb Chop down.

Come to Auntie Frannie.

Val, don't make any sudden moves.

Chester!

Chester, there he is. Come here. Come here.

Oh, Chester. What did you do with --

oh, Val ...

Chester ate Lamb Chop.

Come on, Chester, purge, purge.

You want me to stick your paw down your throat? / Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Niles, it's not funny. / Oh, no, you're right. It's a tragedy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, and you know what the worst part of it all is?

Just because I suggested that Chester come stay with us

and I brought him up to Shari's room and put him down so I could rifle through her personal stuff,

Mr. Sheffield's going to find some crazy way of blaming this all on me.

No, you know what the worst part it.

He forgot the mint jelly. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Stop it.

It's not funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do you think that when Shari finds out that Lamb Chop was eaten

it's going to blow the movie deal?

What? / I was just asking Niles -- Ohhhhh!

Maxwell! / Head her off, Miss Fine. You can do it.

Well, Miss Fine, do you have anything to say?

Ah, you missed a belt loop?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, why aren't you saying anything?

You're scaring me. I like it better when you yell and scream.

Please, let it out. / That's right, Maxwell. Let it out.

Let's not forget who's responsible for all of this.

Your dog. / Right.

So, Miss Fine, what -- what would you like me to say, huh?

I mean, my film career's over before it began.

Oh, let's not be nay sayers.

He ate the bloody star.

All right. Now you're back with me.

Apparently, it's your fault.

You were responsible for that fur-covered colon.

Well, I said it. I knew you'd find a way to blame this on me.

Yes, she did, sir.

But I've got a plan. / Yes, she does, sir.

And, as you know, my plans never fail.

Eyelash ...

hot glue ...

puff ...

Oh, no. Oh, God, are you insane?

Mr. Sheffield, trust me. I once accidentally destroyed my father's toupee,

and I made an exact replica out of the toilet seat cover.

That looked real? / Yeah.

Plus he matched the towels.

That's all right, Miss Lewis. I'll get it for you.

Incoming.

Thank you very much, Niles. / Uh-huh.

Ohhhhhh!

Didn't you see me?

What's your point?

Hi, Shari. We were just sitting around here talking with Lamb Chop.

You know, I gave her a makeover,

make her hair a little higher to balance out the mutton thighs.

What have you done with her? This isn't my Lamb Chop.

Why? I think she's got a refreshing, earthy quality.

Fran chop. Aha.

Shari, I'm afraid we owe you a bit of an explanation.

You think?

Oh, Miss Lewis, you really shouldn't be angry at Mr. Sheffield.

The truth of the matter is her dog ate Lamb Chop.

You know, Shari, the lamb was holding you back.

You're better off without her. She told me she was seeing another hand.

You know, I know that you've experienced a great loss, Miss Lewis,

but you really shouldn't blame Miss Babcock,

although you've got a very legitimate case against her.

Miss Fine, perhaps Miss Lewis would like a moment of silence for the lamb --

Look, Lamb Chop!

Oh, Lamb Chop.

Oh, look, Chester didn't eat her.

You know, he must have dropped her down the laundry chute like I used to do to Grace --

geez. Me, I haven't done my homework yet. Let's go.

Yuk, poo-poo-poo, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Well, thank goodness she's okay.

Yeah. Okay? Speak for yourself.

I was practically strangled by a leopard thong bikini.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, Shari, I'm most terribly sorry about all this. You know --

Oh, forget it. I want out of this deal.

Lamb Chop, let's not be hasty.

Let's not forget who owns 52 percent.

We're out of here.

Well, look, if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it.

I'm -- I'm really sorry. / You'll have to get Miss Piggy for your project.

Miss Piggy?

That ham?

Honey, she's the new white meat.

You know, maybe you are overreacting?

Well, why don't we step into my office and discuss this?

Well ... there's no harm in just talking.

Shall we? / Hey, shall we?

Come here. How's my breath?

It's all right? / It's all right.

Good girl. Go. Go.

Excuse me, but this is a private meeting.

You know that guy I'm going to the drive-in movie with? / Yeah. The one with the Miatta.

Well, the Miatta's in the shop. So he's bringing his father's Lincoln.

Oh, better, big back seat. What movie you seeing? / "Legends of the Fall."

Oh, sexy. We're going to have such a good time.

Kids -- Brighten, Gracie,

we're going to a drive-in.