Original subtitles

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

♪ Christmas is here ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

♪ On on they send, on without end ♪

♪ Their joyful tone fo every home ♪

♪ On on they send, on without end ♪

♪ Their joyful tone fo every home ♪

♪ Ding dong, ding dong ♪

[singing "Deck the Halls"]

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la, la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

[vocalizing]

[harmonizing]

["The Addams Family Theme" playing]

-[clock chiming] -[kissing sound]

[knuckles cracking]

[screeches]

Think of it, Thing.

For 25 years,

we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond,

and for 25 years, nothing.

I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.

[Pugsley mumbling]

Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

[Pugsley continues mumbling]

[muffled] Help me.

[Pugsley exclaiming]

[Gomez] Look at her.

I would die for her.

I would kill for her.

Either way, what bliss.

-Unhappy, darling? -Oh, yes.

Yes, completely.

Gomez...

Sun.

[speaking French]

Oh, Tish, that's French.

Our.

Cara mia.

En garde, Monsieur Soleil!

Gomez?

Querida?

Last night you were unhinged.

You were like some desperate howling demon.

You frightened me.

Do it again.

[creature in bag squealing]

Thank you, Lurch.

[creature screeches]

[grunting]

-[golf ball thuds] -[bird squawks]

[sputtering]

Damn you, Addams!

Sorry about the window, Judge.

Keep the ball. I have a whole bucketful.

You moron!

It is a milestone, Tish.

This very night, our 25th séance.

All those years, gnawed by guilt,

undone by woe,

burning with uncertainty.

Don't torture yourself, Gomez.

That's my job.

[inhales deeply]

Oh, Tish.

Imagine, darling, if Fester did come back.

Half alive, barely human, a rotting shell.

Don't tease.

Ouch!

Stop it! I'm warning you.

-[Morticia] Look, darling. Tully is here. -[Gomez] Ah!

-Tully! -Romping with Gate.

[Tully grunting]

These are your last paying clients, may I remind you?

-If it gives you pleasure. -Something has to.

Like a decent coat, something dressy, for evening.

Ask for a loan. Beg!

No loans. I am not a bum.

Don't say it. I'll get the money.

I have a plan.

[sighs] This is all so humiliating.

-Why did I marry you? -Because I said yes.

[Margaret] I'm here to see Mrs. Addams about the charity auction.

[growls]

Oh!

Stop it! Let go!

[wind blowing]

-Ah, missed! -What's that?

Dirty pool, old man.

I like it.

Had enough?

Ha!

Where's my pen?

[gasps]

Never mind. I'll take yours.

First, the old business.

[Granny] Charity auction, it's ridiculous!

-Perhaps it's in here. -I don't think so.

[door creaking]

"Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe."

"Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe."

"Uncle Niknak."

"The Fester Addams Offshore Retirement Fund"?

-What would it do? -What wouldn't it do?

Fester, all tribute to thee.

-Some called him inhumanly evil. -No!

Only our parents. I called him brother.

And his memory must live on forever through money.

I'm gonna deposit the funds under my name for tax purposes.

That's inspired.

He would've wanted it that way. Beloved Fester.

Indeed!

-For Fester! -For Fester! A brother!

-My brother! -One of a kind!

-The doctors all said... -Kind to animals, so good with children!

-They never proved anything. -$1 million is the perfect amount.

-It's brilliant. -It's untraceable!

But, Tully, it's not old business.

It's going to have to wait. You know the rules better than that.

Why? B-But this is different. This is in my name. Make an exception.

Old business is old business, and new business is new business,

and this is new business,

and we do not discuss new business until...

next quarter.

Next quarter?

Next quarter?

[Tully grunting]

Fine lunge, but your riposte... tsk tsk tsk, a tad rusty.

Make yourself comfortable, old man,

while I get the money for the monthly expenses.

[creaks]

[snapping]

[Morticia] There it is. Just what we've been searching for.

Thank you, Thing.

My God. What is it?

A finger trap from the court of Emperor Wu.

It must be worth a fortune.

Oh, Morticia! This is too extravagant!

Even for the auction.

Let's keep it.

Hush, Mama.

It's for charity. Widows and orphans.

We need more of them.

-Margaret? -Mm-hmm?

About the séance tonight.

I wish you'd come. It's Gomez.

-I'm terribly worried about him. -[finger trap clicks]

He won't eat. He can't sleep.

He keeps coughing up blood.

He coughs up blood?

Well, not like he used to.

[animal growling]

-[whip cracks] -[Gomez] Down, kitty!

[growls]

[gears clanking]

[clattering in distance]

[wind howling]

[grumbling]

There, the monthly expenses.

-[clattering] -[glass breaking]

Miss Bradbury.

[coins clinking]

Miss Bradbury!

[woman] She's gone home, Mr. Alford.

Oh, Mrs. Craven!

-I was just about to call you. -I'm certain you were.

You haven't met my son Gordon, have you, Mr. Alford?

[Tully] Hello.

[lock clicks]

Is this the one, Mother? That deadbeat you mentioned?

No, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You have to listen to me.

Do we, Mr. Alford? And why?

Please, hear me out!

Hear me out!

Please. Please! Ah!

Your call, Mother.

Gordon and I enjoy a very special relationship.

-She's a pip! -[Mrs. Craven] Refreshing, no?

-Down, Gordon. -Mother?

-Gordon! -Gordon!

[Tully exclaims]

We've lent you a considerable sum, many thousands of dollars.

Payment due.

I don't have the money to repay you. I've tried everything.

-Oh, Gordon, I want to believe him. -So do I.

Make me proud.

No, no, no.

-He lied to us, Mother. -No, no. It's not what you think.

Those are doubloons for the Addams account.

Addams?

There's more, there's a fortune, but nobody can get to it.

Don't you think I've tried?

Have you? Have you tried hard enough?

-Ask him, sweetheart. -No, no, no, sweetheart. Don't ask.

Fester.

[thunder crackling]

-It's a miserable night. -I know, darling.

Séance weather.

Children, we're starting!

-Put down that antenna. -[both giggling]

It's unbelievable. This hideous creature and my little boy.

They could be twins.

But they're his family. What makes you think they'll fall for it?

You shave your head, we dress you up. No problem.

They'll think he's Fester, their long-lost brother.

I hope so, Mr. Alford, for your sake.

Hey, I've been the Addams' lawyer for years.

-They're morons. -[Mrs. Craven] Obviously.

-Now what about the gold? -They got this vault--

-Where? -I'm not sure.

That's a problem, isn't it?

Now, listen, Fester's been missing for 25 years.

He and Gomez had some sort of a fight,

and Gomez feels incredibly guilty about it.

He'll tell you anything. Just ask.

-It's foolproof. -It had better be. Now, get out.

It's gonna be great.

You're gonna get back all the money I owe you and more.

You'll see. Really.

This is it, Mother. The one we've been waiting for.

No more loan-sharking, no more storefront scams.

I get the gold, and we're gone.

And Tully takes the rap.

Gordon, it's brilliant.

No, not Gordon!

-Of course not. -Fester.

[chuckles]

[thunderclap]

Big night for you guys, eh, small fry?

[Margaret breathing heavily]

Hello, sweetheart.

Could you?

[clicks]

Oh, thank God.

Welcome, honored guests.

Entrails?

[playing ominous tune]

Sing, O spirits. Hearken all souls.

Every year on this date, we offer a clarion call to Fester Addams.

Stop it.

Pugsley.

[giggles]

-Kids. -[chuckles]

[Morticia] From generation to generation,

our beacon to the beyond.

All close eyes and join hands.

Ow! What a grip!

Ow! Oh, my hand!

[gasps] My hand! She's got my hand!

[screaming]

[all laughing]

-Excuse me. -Okay, pumpkin, sit down.

Join the fun.

Mama, you should know better.

Thing, you're a handful.

Wednesday.

Let us ransom you from the power of the grave.

Tonight, O death, let us be your plague.

Mama.

Fester Addams...

[chanting incantations]

I feel that he's near.

[ominous tune continues]

Fester Addams, gather your strength

and knock three times.

[pounding on door three times]

Did you hear that?

-Ask again, Mama, quickly. -By all means.

Ask. Ask.

Fester Addams, I demand that you knock again!

[thunder rumbling]

[pounding on door three times]

He's at the door!

[squeals]

-[Morticia] Could it be? -[Granny] Is it him?

-[Tully] Is it possible? -[Margaret] Oh, my God.

-Fester. -Gomez.

[in fake German accent] Good evening. I am Dr. Pinder-Schloss.

He was found in Miami, tangled in a tuna net.

It was just last month during the Hurricane Helga.

The sky, it was black like pitch.

The waves, they were walls of doom. Can you imagine?

They drag him from the ocean, from the very jaws of oblivion.

I'm telling you.

There were tests, so many tests!

A complete psychological profile.

At long last, the Florida Department of the Fish and the Game,

they say, "Lo and behold, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my,

go tell it on the mountains,

he is your brother."

[crying]

Boom!

They give him to me at Human Services,

and I am bringing him, after all these years,

after who knows what heartache,

after the naked and the dead,

I am bringing him home to you! [chuckles]

-That's preposterous. -Margaret...

Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?

-[Tully] Blossom. -It certainly is.

Ha.

-Now you're back. -[Tully] Yes, back.

Back to share your joys, your sorrows.

-Hey, everything. -Well, I just don't know.

Honey, how does this work, again?

An infant would understand.

[finger trap clicks]

[laughs]

Fester Addams, home at long last.

Well, at least for a week.

A week?

Don't be ridiculous. You're home.

Sorry, but I have to get back.

I've got a lot of things cooking in the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, Gomez.

-The Bermuda Triangle. -Devil's Island.

The Black Hole of Calcutta.

Excuse us.

Second honeymoon.

[electric crackling]

[Morticia] Dr. Pinder-Schloss, will you be staying with us too?

No, no. I must be going.

But I will be back, you can bet, to be checking on Fester's adjustment.

[metallic clanking]

Cool.

Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle.

Not even for a vacation.

Everyone knows that.

Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand.

The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill. [chuckles]

Even with a chainsaw.

Unpacking?

Let me.

It's all right. I can do it.

Crowbar.

Dynamite.

Cyanide.

Fester, as if we'd run out.

Good night.

[wind howling]

Nosy little brat.

[door creaks, closes]

[light switch clicks]

[bed creaks]

[loud clang]

Who's there?

[door creaks]

[thunderclap]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

My own dear brother.

I've got goose bumps.

I know.

Screams in the night.

It can only mean one thing.

He's home.

[screaming continues]

[Gordon] Please! Please!

Leave me alone!

[bell tolling]

[grunts] Breakfast?

Damn, it's good to have you back. Let's go.

Two out of three?

[Gomez laughing]

Home cooking!

There's nothing like it in the world.

May I have the salt?

What do we say?

Now.

What is this?

Mama's spécialite de la maison.

Oh, Tish.

Start with the eyes.

Did you sleep well?

-Like the dead. -[Gomez] Really?

Who would have thought the Bermuda Triangle

could change a man so much?

You used to toss and turn all night. We had to chain you to the bedpost.

Doesn't make sense.

[Lurch groans]

The Bermuda Triangle is a very strange and mysterious place.

You'd be surprised at all the things you don't know.

[fire hisses]

[Morticia] She certainly would.

Wednesday adores the Bermuda Triangle.

She studies it.

Death at sea. She's hooked.

Ask me anything.

Being in my old room sure brings back memories.

-Remember Camp Custer? -For preteen offenders.

[fire hisses]

[Gomez and Fester laugh]

Aren't memories precious?

Today I'd like to wander through the house, remembering.

No, no. Sorry, old man. No wandering today.

Today we're going straight to the vault.

[vehicle approaching]

[truck horn blaring]

[tires screeching]

[car horn blaring]

[vehicles crashing]

Bravo, Pugsley!

[metal clangs]

[together] "Greed."

[both laughing]

I feel like we're children again.

Tag. You're it!

["Playmate, Come Out and Play With Me" playing]

> Playmate, come out and play with me »

> And bring your dollies three >

> Climb up my apple tree »

> Look down my rain barrel »

> Slide down my cellar door b

> And we'll be jolly friends »

» Forevermore >

[gasps]

[exclaims]

Smell that air, Fester.

[coughing, groaning]

[inhales deeply] Like a tomb.

[speaking Italian]

The sea-- your second home.

Ship ahoy.

[Italian ballad playing on gramophone]

[Gomez singing along in Italian]

[Pugsley] Do you think that's really Uncle Fester?

Father says so, but I think Mother isn't sure.

Pugsley, sit in the chair.

-Why? -So we can play a game.

What game?

It's called "Is There a God?"

[Italian ballad continues playing]

[Gomez continues singing]

[music and singing ends]

-[Gordon] The vault! -[Gomez laughs]

Two to the right, ten to the left.

And then around to...

Oh. Uh... Five.

Eleven.

Two, ten, 11. Eyes, fingers, toes.

So many years.

-Welcome back. -Thanks.

[Gomez] Our secret place.

Sanctum sanctorum.

If these walls could speak, eh, old man?

-What would they say? -You tell me.

-You first. -Uh-uh.

Senior partner.

Junior spaceman.

First a brandy. Do the honors.

I've got a real treat in store.

Where is it, you ridiculous imbecile?

[humming Italian ballad]

[pops]

[creature growling]

[humming continues]

Aha!

Showtime!

[Gomez and Fester laughing]

[Gomez] Oh...

There, the debutante ball.

Remember that fateful night?

Of course.

Your first cigar.

What?

Come on, old man. I've smoked since I was five.

Mother insisted.

Flora and Fauna.

Quite the pair, eh, Gomez?

Can you ever forgive me?

What?

I didn't love them,

yet I wooed them both out of foolish pride.

You were so dashing, you could have any woman you wanted,

dead or alive.

I was jealous.

Insanely jealous.

I admit that now.

[clicks]

But I did not mean to drive you off,

not to the Bermuda Triangle.

Water under the bridge.

Forgiven. Forgotten.

[grunting]

-[choking] -Come on. Say it.

[gasping]

-Say the secret password. -The password?

Come on. Stop fooling. You remember.

Please. I'm choking. Please.

You forgot our secret password?

The word we used 100 times a day?

Our special private name for each other?

That was a long time ago when we were children.

You almost killed me, you demented freak.

[Gomez] Poor devil, what did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle?

But if he's not Uncle Fester, then who is he?

Somebody else.

It has to warm up.

[Pugsley] Why?

So it can kill you.

-[electricity buzzing] -I knew that.

-Children, what are you doing? -I'm going to electrocute him.

But we're late for the charity auction.

-[Wednesday] But, Mother... -I said no.

[Pugsley] Please?

[clicks tongue] Oh, all right.

[electricity crackling]

[Judge] This magnificent piece

is encrusted with rubies and 15 emerald chips.

It was donated by Morticia and Gomez Addams.

Remember, this year, over half our proceeds

will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.

Il open the bidding at $5,000.

[Gomez scoffing] Five... Ha! Not good enough.

-20,000! -What are they doing?

-[Judge] I have 20. -Twenty-five.

-Cara mia? -[Judge] Twenty-five.

Thirty. Mon sauvage.

Thirty-five!

[speaking Italian]

-Fifty. I have $50,000.

Your turn, my ecstasy.

[Judge] Fifty thousand, going once. Fifty thousand, going twice.

[moaning amorously]

Sold to Morticia Addams for $50,000.

[Gomez and Morticia moaning]

[M.C. Hammer song playing on car stereo]

Isn't it too enchanting?

How do you take it off?

There's a trick to it...

[clicks]

...of course.

[train whistle blowing]

"How do you take it off?" That's absurd.

That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!

[train whistle blowing]

Oh, no.

Father's playing with his trains.

He wore that finger trap for two years!

Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet.

And the combination and the password

and my cigar and he slept so well!

[bell dinging]

He's using the diesel.

[rumbling]

[train whistle blowing]

The covered bridge.

Dead man's curve.

[cauldron bubbling]

[train whistle blowing]

[rumbling]

[Gordon shrieking]

[maniacal laughing]

[screaming]

It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?

[water whooshes]

[whistle blowing]

Spirits above me, give me a sign.

Shall I be joyous or shall I be damned?

[loud explosion]

[water whooshes]

Sleepless night?

Walk with me, Fester.

Aunt LaBorgia.

Executed by a firing squad.

Cousin Fledge.

Torn limb from limb by four wild horses.

And darling Uncle Eimar.

Buried alive.

Psychopaths,

fiends,

mad-dog killers.

Brutes, Fester. Pioneers.

Lest we forget.

Your beloved Muerto.

After you left, he was simply a different vulture.

He wouldn't circle.

He wouldn't peck.

That's how much you mean to this family.

Mother and Father Addams.

How I wish the children could have known them better.

But tell that to an angry mob.

And our credo, "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.”

"We gladly feast on those who would subdue us."

Not just pretty words.

As an Addams, you understand completely, don't you?

As an Addams, yes, I do.

Good night, Fester.

Rest in peace.

They're on to me, Mother. I'm almost sure.

Of course I tried. I still can't find it. You've got to get over here.

[whispering] Arsenic, cyanide. Cyanide. Arsenic, arsenic.

Don't say that.

You know I do.

[Lurch grunts]

His trains are everywhere. The children are beside themselves.

Is that for your brother?

I don't think so.

This can't go on.

How can I help him? Tell me, Mama.

"Troubled husbands."

-"Adultery"? -Oh, no.

-"Financial, money troubles"? -No.

-"Turned into toad or reptile." -Is there an index?

[grunts]

They know I'm a fraud, the whole bunch.

[shuddering] It's not going to work.

Who knows? Gomez, that overheated moron?

He's no moron. He's Fester's brother.

They had some awful fight years ago. He's suspicious, they all are, I can tell.

Really? Well, thank God I came over here.

I will counsel the troubled family, ease their distress.

It's my calling. Remember, Gordon?

What?

[switching to German accent] I'm a doctor.

Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door.

I would speak with Fester if that were Fester.

But that is not. That's an impostor!

An impostore!

A charlatan! A sham!

A counterfeit!

[Gordon whimpering]

[swords clanging]

Hmm.

[Wednesday] O, villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

[Pugsley] Who calls me a villain? Breaks my pate across?

Bloodshed.

[Pugsley] Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face?

[Wednesday] If I must strike you dead, I will.

-[groans] -[Pugsley grunts]

Ohh...

Ahh...

No!

No, no!

No, no, no, no!

Give me that sword.

Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?

-He's only a child. -No excuse.

Aim for a major artery. The jugular.

A faker! A phony!

An utter fraud!

A base, deceitful--

[in German accent] Mr. Addams!

I believe I am understanding. I can help, yes?

The theory of displacement.

Is this familiar?

No. Tish?

Oh, it is too exciting.

I will explain.

Is it unpleasant?

Deeply.

Your very own brother, you drive him away.

"Go. Off with you."

But then you are feeling the little black monster.

-Pugsley. -Guilt. Yes?

Your brother returns, you feel guilty,

you displace.

I do?

The feelings in your brain cells, they bubble and collide.

You suspect things.

You love him, but you resent him.

Love, hate. Hate, love.

Like for Mama. No?

But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident.

It's a very common psychosis. I'm seeing it every day.

Lucky doctor.

Displacement. How bizarre.

And here I thought Fester was the problem.

-He's sullen. -He's furtive.

-Backstabbing. -He sulks.

-I suspect him. -You're unbalanced.

And I hate him. By God, you're right!

He is Fester!

Thank you, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.

I do what I can.

You see, children, there's lots to learn.

"Gangrene."

[Wednesday] Ooh.

Uncle Fester, how do you know so much?

I've been around. I pick things up.

In the Bermuda Triangle?

Look, children, a new chapter.

[all] "Scabs."

[creature screeching]

Three parts dynamite with a nitroglycerin cap.

It's perfect for small holes, carports and tool sheds.

Mother.

Everyone will be at the children's play tonight, correct?

Oh, yes. I've been working with them.

-It's going to be fun. -Fun?

Is that what we're here for? Fun?

Oh, darling, forgive me. You see what they've driven me to?

I've raised a hand to my child, my reason for living.

-You can't go to the play. -But the kids...

The house will be deserted. The vault will be ours.

But, Mother...

Can you hear it, my treasure?

My heartbeat. It beats only for you.

Listen closely. It says, "Gordon, I love you.

Gordon, the vault."

I do hear it.

Soon we'll have the money and we'll be far from here.

Loving mother, grateful son.

Understood?

[owl hooting]

[Gomez] Ah.

There you are, at last.

What a fool I was to doubt you.

Dr. Pinder-Schloss explained everything.

What a lovely woman. So chilly.

Displacement.

It's a common psychosis.

-Isn't that grand? -Is it?

Look at it, Fester.

The primeval ooze.

Quicksand, fumes, toxic waste.

It's all ours, Fester.

You belong here, old man.

Stay.

You don't know what you're asking.

You have a beautiful wife, wonderful children,

a wasteland.

I'm in the way.

In the way?

-My brother? -Gomez, take care!

For you, life is all fun and games.

A dance in a graveyard. Stench. Decay.

But things change.

Precisely. You're back.

All those years apart, Fester.

We can't do that again.

You're home.

[Gomez] Fore!

[glass shattering]

[dog barking]

[Judge] Damn you, Addams!

[Gomez and Fester laughing]

[Pugsley] Uncle Fester?

Come on, Uncle Fester. Come to the play.

I said I was busy.

[Wednesday] But you said you'd help us, with the Shakespeare and the pus.

I changed my mind.

[children singing inside, faint]

Mrs. Addams, can I see you for a moment?

I'm Susan Firkins. I'm Wednesday's teacher.

Oh, of course, Miss Firkins.

Wednesday's told us so much about you.

Wednesday is an excellent student, but, frankly, I'm concerned.

You see, this is our class bulletin board.

This month, our theme is our heroes, people we love and admire.

You see, Susan Ringo has chosen the president.

Isn't that sweet?

And Harmony Feld has picked Jane Pauley.

Have you spoken to her parents?

But Wednesday brought in this picture,

Calpurnia Addams.

Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia.

She was burned as a witch in 1706.

They say she danced naked in the town square

and enslaved a minister.

-Really? -Oh, yes.

But don't worry. We've told Wednesday, college first.

[Margaret] Isn't he adorable?

I made this myself.

It's charming.

What is he, a lizard?

An elf.

Look at you.

That's better.

You are too precious for words.

Why, I could just eat you alive.

Oh, no, Margaret. Too young.

[children singing "Getting to Know You"]

♪ La la la la la la, la la la la la ♪

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Getting to know all about you ♪

♪ Getting to like you ♪

♪ Getting to hope you like me ♪

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Putting it my way, but nicely ♪

♪ You are precisely ♪

♪ My cup of tea... ♪

Wednesday. Pugsley. I changed my mind.

Uncle Fester.

Gordon? Gordon?

It's Mother.

Damn it, where is he?

I never should have used him.

D> Free and easy »

> When I am with you »

> Getting to know what fo say »

I knew you couldn't stay away, old man.

> And breezy »

» Because of all The most beautiful and new »

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[audience applauding]

Damn it.

Gordon! Gordon!

Are you there?

Gordon.

[exclaiming]

My goodness! Say! Look! Would somebody come here?

Oh, my! Oh, good... Oh! Aah!

Oh, my! Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! [laughs nervously]

[Wednesday] How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge!

Oh, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or nothing worth!

If I must strike you dead, I will.

[audience members gasping]

[Pugsley] A hit,

a very palpable hit.

[Wednesday] Aah!

[audience gasping]

O proud death,

what feast is toward in thine eternal cell?

Sweet oblivion, open your arms!

[choking and gasping]

Bravo!

-Bravo! -Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

There were sailors, pirates

and a plane full of tourists from Miami Beach,

all lost in the Triangle.

Uncle Fester, will you take me there someday?

It's a promise.

-Good night, Wednesday. -Good night.

You were terrific.

Uncle Fester?

[Morticia] A theatrical triumph.

It's like a dream.

When we first met, it was an evening much like this.

Magic in the air.

A boy.

A girl.

An open grave.

It was my first funeral.

You were so beautiful.

Pale and mysterious.

No one even looked at the corpse.

Your cousin, Balthazar.

You were still a suspect.

I couldn't stop staring at you all through the eulogy.

Your eyes, your mustache,

your laugh.

You bewitched me.

I proposed that very night.

Just think, someday we'll be buried here

side by side, six feet under in matching coffins.

Our lifeless bodies

rotting together for all eternity.

Cara mia.

Mon sauvage.

[Mrs. Craven] Hey, Bigfoot.

[grunts]

Don't stare. Just get me out.

[grunts]

Did you like the blood?

-I was so proud. -Weren't we all?

Wednesday, play with your food.

[Granny yelling]

Mama.

Who put this in here?

[both snickering]

-[Granny] That's for company. -Rascals.

[footsteps]

[Gomez] Doctor, you were so right.

-What an evening. -[Morticia] Fester fit right in.

-The displacement is over. -Well, isn't that nice?

-Does he really have to go? -Yes, he does.

[Gomez] Well, if he insists upon leaving,

we shall mark the occasion.

Tish?

[Morticia] We've planned a farewell party.

[Gomez] We've invited the entire clan.

What a lovely gesture.

[Morticia] We're a family again,

and we owe it all to you, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.

Please. Greta.

Greta.

Fester, walk me out.

I'm fine, Mother. I'm completely in control.

They're not your family, Gordon. I am.

They don't love you. I do.

They're evil and corrupt and degraded.

-I can give you that. -I'm fine. Really.

We'll see. Open up!

[gasps]

[door creaking]

A party?

For me?

Here?

[gasps]

Tish, how long has it been since we've waltzed?

Oh, Gomez.

Hours.

[waltz music playing]

[waltz music continues]

[on car stereo] d Too legit, too legit to quit »

> Hey, hey b

d Too legit, too legit to quit »

[It chattering]

-[Lurch grunts] -[It continues chattering]

[grunts]

It, old man!

[It chattering]

You're right. Far too long.

[It chattering]

[squeals]

-Don't let me out of your sight. -Don't threaten me, Margaret.

-These people are abnormal. -Don't exaggerate.

[chattering]

-By all means! They're clients, Margaret. -Oh!

[It] Whee!

[waltz music continues]

-Wednesday? -Yes, Mother?

Would you run upstairs and check on your uncle, please?

Why, Lumpy Addams. Look at you.

All grown up.

[stairs creaking]

Uncle Fester?

-[Gordon] I understand. -[Mrs. Craven] I hope so.

And I'm counting on you.

Don't let me down. Don't buckle.

[Gordon] It's not gonna be easy. There are people everywhere.

You can do it if you just stop whining.

Nobody likes that. It's unattractive.

[Gordon] All right. Fine. I will try and reach the vault tonight.

But if I can't, well, then that's it.

Okay, Mother?

I knew it. You are a fake.

Come here, my little one.

-Wednesday! -Get her!

[gasps]

[Gordon muttering]

[Gomez] Flora and Fauna Amor.

I cannot see.

I am blinded by such beauty.

Gomez Addams.

-You terrible flirt. -Always was.

-At least with me. -Copycat!

-Tag-along! -Why, Gomez, the Amor twins.

-I've heard so much about you. -[Flora] Morticia--

You nabbed him. This darling man.

-He was mine! -He was mine!

Flora, Fauna, how can I compete?

You're twice the woman I am.

Tully, the Amor twins.

They're waiting for Fester. Amuse them.

-Hello, Tully. -Oh, my God.

[It chattering]

[chattering continues]

You mean you don't know? It's too intriguing.

Now that Fester's back, he's king of the castle again, isn't he?

Fester's the older brother, so he gets it all.

The house, the money, you name it.

Fester's still single, isn't he?

-[Flora] Are you, Mr. Alford? -Why, Fauna.

-I'm Fauna. -I'm Flora.

I'm flattered. Excuse me, ladies.

[Gordon grunting]

I can't find her anywhere. Let's just leave.

-Out the back. -Now pull yourself together.

She'll turn up, the little cockroach.

You get to the party or they'll suspect something.

-I'll be down soon. -Yes, Mother.

Everyone, your attention, please.

[waltz stops, fanfare plays]

Tonight we dance for our treasured guest of honor,

Fester Addams.

The mamushka!

[laughs]

Taught to us by our Cossack cousins,

the mamushka has been an Addams family tradition

since God knows when.

We danced the mamushka while Nero fiddled.

We danced the mamushka at Waterloo.

We danced the mamushka for Jack the Ripper.

And now, Fester Addams,

this mamushka is for you.

["Mamushka" playing]

♪ There is no quibbling The sweetest relationship ♪

♪ Is sibling to sibling ♪

♪ My emotions have left me dribbling ♪

♪ I'll stab anyone who starts Gnawing and nibbling ♪

♪ At my feelings ♪

♪ For my sibling ♪

♪ We've danced it in the graveyards ♪

♪ Where the maggots bill and coo ♪

♪ It's perfect for beheadings ♪

♪ Where the head says "How-dee-do?" ♪

♪ Mamushka! Mamushka! ♪

♪ I doff my old babushka! ♪

♪ With a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ The dance of brotherly love ♪

♪ Just kill the carioca ♪

♪ Continental Susie Q ♪

♪ Garotte the old gavotte ♪

♪ And disembowel the djpsy doo! ♪

♪ Mamushka! Mamushka! ♪

♪ Let's dance it like Petrushka! ♪

♪ With a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ And a dance of brotherly love ♪

-♪ Brothers! ♪ -♪ Brothers! ♪

♪ Brothers! ♪

♪ The Brothers Karamazov And the German Brothers Grimm ♪

-♪ There's Orville Wright ♪ -♪ And Wilbur! ♪

♪ Orville's nothing minus him! ♪

♪The Smith Brothers And the Marx Brothers ♪

♪ And the Ritz and the Brooks And the Mills Brothers ♪

[scatting]

♪ The Everly Brothers The Solomon Brothers ♪

♪ Nicholas Brothers, Corsican Brothers ♪

♪ And Dr. Joyce Brothers! Brothers! ♪

♪ Ringling Brothers Watch them break their back! ♪

♪ The Warner Brothers Harry, Sammy, Irving and Jack ♪

♪ I know there's a host of others I've had fo neglect some brothers ♪

♪ Just too many names fo cram ♪

♪ But frankly, my dear I don't give a damn! ♪

["Mamushka" continues playing]

♪ Mamushka, mamushka ♪

♪ He comes for his mamushka ♪

♪ With a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey and-- ♪

Wait!

♪ I swear by Mummy and Daddums ♪

♪ This defestable Festers ♪

♪ The echt Fester Addams ♪

♪ So hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Let's dance the dance Of brotherly love ♪

♪ Mamushka ♪

[people cheering and applauding]

What the hell's going on over there?

How would you like to be rid of the Addamses for good?

I'm serious.

What can I do for you?

You are gonna love this.

We've been married for almost 20 years.

Sometimes it seems like more.

[It chattering]

Well, people grow. People change.

[It chattering, chuckling]

[giggles]

[It chattering]

[breathes deeply]

Isn't it a beautiful night?

You'll come see me before you leave, won't you, Fester?

I'll call once I'm alone.

There's your ride, girls.

[both giggling]

You're a marvelous dancer. It's been such fun.

[It chattering]

Oh, I can't. We mustn't.

[It chattering]

[horn honks]

Call me!

♪ Mamushka, mamushka ♪

♪ I swallowed with one whoosh-ka ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey and a hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Gordon.

Gordon, Gordon, stop it. Gordon, no.

-♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ -Stop it, Gordon. Stop it!

Stop it, this instant.

-Is that lipstick all over your face? -From the twins.

The beauteous Amor twins.

The twins?

Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear.

-Have you been having a good time? -Yes! I have!

It was marvelous.

I sang up a storm and danced till I dropped!

♪ The mamushka, the mamushka ♪

♪ And a hey and a hey And a hey and a hey and a hey ♪

-Mother? -Mother? Mother? Who is that?

- I don't think I recall. -Mother, please.

I'm just fine. I'm dandy.

Don't concern yourself about me, Gordon.

Please, return to your depraved orgy.

Sometimes I think you're not even my son.

-Don't say that. -I'm just your mother.

You only owe me your entire existence on this planet.

Please, Gordon, by all means, go sing, dance, date.

Oh, Mother, I'm so terribly sorry.

[sobbing]

It was just a party. It's over.

It means nothing.

The Siamese twins, the hunchback, Cousin It,

they're not you.

Say it, Gordon. Make me believe it.

I love you. And I want money.

We've got to find Tully.

[Gordon thuds]

Look, our little boy.

All tuckered out.

It's so sweet. He looks just like a little entree.

-Where's the party? -It's over, darling.

-Have you seen your sister? -Not since before the mamushka.

Gomez.

Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap.

Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss.

Lurch, check out the bottomless pit.

-Fester? -Up here!

Fester, you take the ravine and the unmarked abandoned well.

Someone should stay behind in case she comes back.

Good man. Good thinking!

Then who'll take the swamp?

That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!

[Mrs. Craven] Gordon!

Don't dawdle.

[whimpers]

-[seagulls squawking] -[Tully] Hmm.

[waves crashing]

-What are you doing? -I'm relaxing.

Taking a little sun.

Have you gone mad?

Au contraire.

[grunts]

[Pugsley] Wednesday!

Wednesday!

[Granny] Wednesday!

Wednesday!

[Gate rattling, snarling]

-What is all this? -This is a restraining order.

-A restraining order? -[Tully] Yes.

It requires you to keep a distance of 1,000 yards from this house.

I am restrained from my own house?

[Tully] Not your house, mustache. Not anymore.

It belongs to the oldest living descendant,

the elder brother, Fester Addams.

-Fester adores Gomez. -[Tully] No, no, he's afraid of him.

Seeing the twins brought it all back. You're bitter rivals, Gomez.

-I demand to speak with Fester. -Sorry. No can do.

He's very hurt. Just leave.

[Gate rattling]

But he isn't even Uncle Fester.

Have no fear. Justice shall prevail.

The courts will decide.

They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client.

Well, with God as my witness,

I am that fool!

Therefore, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction

that I declare Fester Addams legal executor of the Addams estate

and rightful owner of all possessions

and properties contained therein,

with one exception.

Gomez Addams,

I believe these are yours.

[laughing]

[wagon squeaking]

[Gate crying]

[all screaming]

-You are doing this on purpose. -That's right, Mother. Isn't this fun?

I'll race you back.

[rooster crows]

[Morticia] Yes, we've been forced from our home.

Yes, we've been betrayed by those we trusted.

But we are Addamses, and we will not submit.

Who recalls the fable of the tortoise and the hare?

The swift yet lazy little cottontail

and his slow but determined companion?

What does this story teach us?

Kill the hare! Skin it. Boil it.

-Put the tortoise on the highway. -During rush hour.

Yes. We will survive.

Poison us. Strangle us. Break our bones.

We will come back for more.

And why?

Because we like it.

Because we're Addamses.

[weakly] We're Addamses.

[M.C. Hammer song playing on boom box]

-Here, Lurch. On the house. -[grunts]

[Lurch's stomach rumbling]

We have so many homemakers reentering the workforce.

Your domestic skills can be very valuable.

-College? -Private tutors.

-Major? -Spells and hexes.

Liberal Arts.

What about your husband? Is he currently employed?

He's going through a bad patch at the moment,

but it's not his fault.

Of course not.

[sighs] What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout?

A shiftless dreamer?

Not anymore.

-Is this made from real lemons? -Yes.

I only like all-natural fruits and beverages

organically grown with no preservatives.

-Are you sure they're real lemons? -Yes.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll buy a cup

if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies.

Do we have a deal?

Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

[Wednesday sighs]

[Morticia] And so, the witch lured Hansel and Gretel

into the candy house by promising them more sweets.

And she told them to look in the oven.

And she was about to push them in when, lo and behold,

Hansel pushed the poor, defenseless witch

into the oven instead,

where she was burned alive,

writhing in agony.

Now, boys and girls, what do you think that feels like?

[all crying]

[woman] Ooh!

[TV audience applauding]

Welcome fo the show.

Voodoo witch doctors here in the United States.

[Granny] Here, kitty, Kitty.

Do they really exist or is this just tabloid hooey?

Wed love you to call in with your comments.

After lunch, we'll try again.

Yes, Mother.

We'll find the money.

Meanwhile, we have this little nest, quiet and cozy

without that dreadful family.

Yes, Mother.

So you claim that your son was brainwashed

by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others.

Let's take a call.

Hello, Sally.

Mr. Addams, please stop calling.

We do not know where they meet.

Let's take another call.

Gomez, why don't we go for a drive?

-The whole family. -A drive?

And miss Gilligan?

Dinner's gonna be late.

-Here, boy. Here, boy. -[dog barking]

[door creaking]

[Mrs. Craven] Gordon.

Gordon!

[wolf howling]

[Lurch snoring]

[knocking]

I would like to speak with Fester, please.

You're a desperate woman consumed by greed and bitterness.

-We could have been such friends. -Gordon, let's get started.

-But, Mother. -Stop stalling.

I'm not stalling. Stop badgering me.

[Mrs. Craven] The vault, Mrs. Addams. Any thoughts?

-[Morticia] None whatsoever. -Tully, take over. Tighten it.

[Tully] But I got this stomach thing when I torture people.

[Mrs. Craven] Do it.

[rack tightens]

Again.

-[groans] -[whimpers]

[rack tightens]

[Mrs. Craven] Tighter.

[Morticia groans]

You've done this before.

Who is it? We're paid through Thursday.

Mor... Morticia.

Morticia.

Morticia what?

Slow down!

It's terrible when you stutter.

[tapping Morse code]

Morticia in danger.

Stop.

Send help at once. Stop!

You can't! Not with red-hot pokers!

Is this gonna smell?

Tully Alford,

charlatan, deadbeat, parasite.

How Gomez adored you.

Well, not enough.

Morticia, please.

And dear Fester, which is the real you?

The loathsome, underhanded monster you've become

or the loathsome, underhanded monster we came to love?

Don't ask me.

I know what you're feeling, Fester.

[Mrs. Craven] Gordon!

Gordon, I have a thought. Just a notion, top of my head.

Tell me what you think?

Since you and Mrs. Addams are so very close...

be my guest.

Addams!

-Cara mia! -Morn cher!

Darling, take care.

Dirty pool, old man. Never again!

[Morticia gasps]

One for you, Tully.

And now...

One for me.

-Gomez, I'm on retainer. -Let him up.

That's right. Now get moving, Addams.

Take him to the vault,

and if you're not back in one hour...

[German accent] I displace her.

-[violin music plays] -Tish, seeing you like this,

my blood boils.

As does mine.

-This wheel of pain. -Our wheel.

To live without you, only that would be torture.

A day alone, only that would be death.

Knock it off.

[violin music stops]

The vault, Addams, right now.

-[sniffling] But, Mother, can't we... -Can it, Gordon.

Stop dragging your feet. You disgust me!

You're nothing but a useless, sniveling baby.

A stone around my neck.

What was I thinking? I should have left you where I found you.

No tricks, Gomez!

That's the wrong book.

Allow me.

[quietly] Good show, old man.

Put that book down, Gordon. You don't know what it can do.

-It's not just literature. -Oh, really?

[wind gusts]

Quickly, darling.

[Tully] Gordon, I'm your friend.

-Think of the doubloons. -They're not yours, Tully.

Back off!

Leather straps. Red-hot pokers.

Later, my dearest.

Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to Mother.

I'll never listen to you, never ever again.

I had to be strict with you because I cared. Put it down!

You never really loved me.

Fester, this way!

Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing. Be a man!

You were a terrible mother!

There! I said it.

[wind howling]

Aah!

[growls]

[whinnies]

[screaming]

[high-pitched screaming]

Are they dead?

Does it matter?

[wolf howling]

[door opens]

[all] Trick or--

[all screaming]

[grunts]

[Pugsley] Here we come!

-Pugsley, old man. -[Morticia] Why, look at you.

[gasps]

How do you like it?

[gasping with pleasure]

What can I say? He's gonna break hearts.

[Margaret] Trick or treat.

[It chattering]

Hello, Margaret. Cousin It.

-I almost didn't recognize you. -Isn't he handsome?

Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume.

It is a wonderful hat.

[It chattering]

What are you, darling? Where's your costume?

This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac.

They look just like everyone else.

[Fester] I'm so glad I can spend this night with my family,

now that I've got my memory back.

Thank God for that lightning. Knocked some sense into you.

[It chattering]

[Gomez] You remember, old man.

Dr. Pinder-Schloss really did find Fester tangled in a tuna net 25 years ago,

with amnesia.

From the Bermuda Triangle.

[It chattering]

How true. Stranger things have happened.

Please, Uncle Fester.

-Pugsley. -For the picture.

[Gomez] All right, everybody, time for a game.

What shall it be? Bobbing for apples?

Charades?

[It chattering]

Of course. Wake the dead.

Wake the dead!

Wake the dead!

Out to the cemetery. Come on, everyone.

I've never played this before.

-How does it go? -Did you bring a shovel?

-Uncle Fester, will you be on my team? -No, mine.

I tell you what. we'll give you a head start.

Three skulls and a pelvis. How is that?

My own dear brother.

[both laughing]

-Come on. -We'll catch up.

[Pugsley] Wake the dead! Wake the dead!

[Wednesday] Uncle Atlas, wake up.

[Pugsley] Come on, Aunt LaBorgia, wake up.

[Fester] No, no, no, children.

You have to dig. That's half the fun.

Oh, Tish, what more could we ask?

Gomez.

Cara mia, is it true?

Oui, mon amour.

[Pugsley] Wake up, Grandpa Addams. It's Halloween.

[Fester] Children, look! Great-Aunt Lavinia!

She was beheaded by her own children!

[Wednesday and Pugsley] Yay!

["The Addams Groove" plays]

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