Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me get a shot of you coming on board.

Oh, come on, honey. Let's go to the cabin.

You can take pictures later.

Oh, wait just a minute.

Oh, come... Hi.

I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Hi, I'm Wendy Bradley,

and the man behind you with a camera is not a spy. Oh.

That's my husband, Sam.

Say cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

( camera whirs )

Real shutterbug, huh?

Well, I got him the camera to take on the cruise.

Since then, it's been like

living on Candid Camera. Mm-hm.

MAN: No, Ginger, no.

GINGER: Oh, come on, come on. Come on, Teddy.

I'll stay in your cabin.

Who's gonna know?

Ginger, this is as far as you go.

Oh, that's not what you said last night.

Shh.

( Ginger laughs )

Excuse me.

TEDDY: Come on, Ginger.

You're gonna have to leave the ship.

You're gonna get me in hot water.

I'd say you're already in it,

clear up to your neck.

Who's the wet blanket?

Uh, Ginger, this is Julie McCoy.

She's an officer.

The most shipshape officer I've ever served under.

Teddy, you're late, you're improperly dressed,

and this is not the crew entrance.

Oh, come on, Julie.

Please report to your duty at once.

You're not pulling rank on me, are you?

If she isn't, I am.

Uh, sir. Uh, this is not what it looks like.

I was just doing some advance public relations work.

Miss Ladue here happens to have

some very important contacts.

( clears throat )

Yeah. Uh, come on, honey. Uh, Miss Ladue.

Goodbye, sir.

Okay, I'll see you next weekend.

Remember me in your gentle dreams, huh?

Oh, Teddy. Those are gonna be some dreams.

( both chuckle )

If we weren't sailing in a few minutes,

I'd find a replacement for that man.

Oh, he's not a bad sort, captain.

And he's very popular with the passengers.

Well, I'm sure that Miss Ladue

would be popular with the passengers too.

But I don't have her on salary.

( camera whirs )

Oh, he is a terrific character.

The captain?

No, the, uh, reprobate and his girlfriend.

Oh, Teddy.

You think I could, um, get a picture of him?

Well, I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities.

Uh, hey. He's your cabin steward.

Oh, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves very much.

Enjoy the next seven days.

( both laughing )

We made it.

I told you. I know.

( laughing )

Oh.

Uh, hi. We're Mr. and Mrs. Allison.

Oh, say that again. The Mr. and Mrs. part.

The... We just got married.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I thought you just fell off

the top of a wedding cake.

We almost didn't get here in time.

The minister was late.

Ah, well, have a great honeymoon,

and I hope we'll be seeing a lot of you.

I hope you won't.

( all chuckle )

Good morning.

Good morning.

Ah, this is our purser's lobby.

I'm a purser, I'll show it to you.

Honey, we have to talk finances.

Now, how much was the cab?

Uh, $4 on the meter.

And a dollar tip.

Dollar tip.

A dollar tip? Bill, you know

we have to watch every penny. ( scoffs )

Um, so your mother gets two less postcards.

That won't work.

Why?

I only had her down for one.

Doreen, don't worry.

The way you look with the sun in your hair,

we're not gonna have time to write home.

Hey, you guys, look at this.

The Martin Stockwoods have canceled their cruise.

The Promenade Suite is going empty.

All that luxury, completely paid for.

What a waste.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll stay there.

But remember,

I offered to make the sacrifice.

Uh, excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, we're, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Edwards.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Let's see. Edwards, Edwards...

Yes. You're on the Aloha deck, Cabin 101.

Uh-oh. The boom-boom room.

Sounds like we'll be sleeping in the bar.

No, actually, it's just a rather small cabin.

Right above the engines.

And all night long it goes boom?

No. Boom-boom.

That's okay. Uh, we've been saving

for this vacation for a long time,

and the boom-boom room will be fine.

You know, I just had a strange idea.

Do you ever have any other kind?

The Promenade Suite.

No, we couldn't.

No way.

Nah.

No.

Why not?

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh.

( both laughing )

Oh, what a fantastic room.

Yeah. It's got a bed. Heh.

Oh. Oh.

Mm.

Kisses any different now that we're married?

Uh-huh. Better.

You think that's better.

( giggling )

( crack )

Walt. What's wrong?

What's the matter?

My back. A muscle spasm.

Same thing I got last year skiing.

Well... Don't touch me!

( sighs )

The doctor told me what to do.

What?

Sleep on a board for a couple of days

and scream into my pillow.

( sobbing )

This is what's commonly referred to

as going "first cabin."

Oh, Bill. It's beautiful.

But we couldn't.

Well, now, this is your deluxe sitting room.

And this is your basic champagne on ice,

compliments of the line.

And here's your view of your Pacific ocean.

The best in the house.

We couldn't.

And these are your luxury sleeping quarters,

complete with the largest bed on board.

We'll take it.

But honey.

Doreen, it's no big deal.

Do you want all this to go to waste?

Oh, no, but... it doesn't seem right.

Oh, the line will get their money,

and the Stockwoods aren't gonna show up.

Sure. The only person that could possibly care

one way or the other is the captain,

and he's not gonna know.

( knock on door )

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Stockwood, I presume.

Uh, Captain Stubing.

I, uh, wanted to make a point of welcoming you,

but I see that my crew has beaten me to it.

( laughs )

In any case, uh, will you dine with me tomorrow?

Ah, we, uh...

Oh, now, I will not take, "Ah, we, well,"

for an answer.

Now, I read the article in Fortune magazine

about your brilliant advertising career,

and, well, I want to talk

more about it in person. ( pats back )

I hope that the, uh, Promenade Suite

will be up to your usual standards.

( whimsical theme playing )

( sighs ) Well, I guess it's back to

the boom-boom room for us.

If Mr. and Mrs. Stockwood are not at the captain's table

tomorrow night, it's off to the brig for us.

I forgot my cap. Excuse me, Mr. Stockwood.

Please... call me Martin.

Martin.

( door closes )

( glasses clink )

( upbeat theme playing )

Honey, come here. Look at these shots of the party.

Oh, won't you at least let me finish unpacking?

Hey, I got this one in focus.

Look, you can read the words on the cake:

"Bon Voyage."

Hey, look, there's you and your mom.

Oh, that's a good one of Mom.

Yeah, it's pretty good of you too. Tsk.

Aha. There's my masterpiece.

Oh, your Aunt Lilly and your dad

doing the Charleston.

Heh. That's terrific.

Tsk.

What's the matter, hon?

Nothing.

Oh. Every once in a while,

I wish I knew my father.

I know.

Look. You finish unpacking,

and we'll go check out the ship, huh?

( sighs )

I know what you're really after, Sam Bradley.

What?

You want a picture of me unpacking.

( knock at door )

Excuse me. Compliments of the ship.

Heh.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes. Welcome aboard.

I also have a little gift from me to you.

Oh. Caviar. I don't know what to say.

We'll certainly mention your kindness to the captain.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

You see, it's from the captain's private stock.

The very best. LSB. Heh.

Less said, the better.

( chuckles ): If you know what I mean.

( chuckles )

Heh-heh. Why don't we let this chill awhile,

and, uh, you two go exploring the ship,

and I'll finish your unpacking.

Oh, no... Oh, look, no trouble at all.

Just remember to tip me handsomely

at the end of the trip.

That's all. Go ahead. Well. All right.

See you later, Teddy.

You bet.

Whoops. Almost forgot this.

Now, look, honey, first, I want to get a shot of you...

Sam...

( door closes )

Yeah, there.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

Oh, my God, no.

( upbeat theme playing )

Thanks, Doc. I think this is gonna fit.

Great. 'Cause it's either this or a formal surgical gown.

Yes, I think that's it.

Oh, it's gonna look super with your hair.

Oh, gee, thanks for lending it to me, Julie.

You know, I haven't had a gown since the senior prom.

And I lost that one on the way home.

Fell out of Bill's van. Oh.

You're gonna look incredible.

Oh, it's all so exciting.

Even if I do feel like a criminal.

Hey. We came on this cruise for adventure.

Honey, what are you gonna say

when the captain wants to talk advertising?

I mean, this Martin Stockwood is some kind of a boy wonder

on Madison Avenue.

I'm going to say:

"I'm on vacation. I'd rather not talk shop."

Just talk about anything. Talk about your hobby.

See, if I talk about my hobby,

it'll make Doreen blush.

I'll see you guys in a couple hours,

in the dining room.

That'll give you an hour to get dressed

and an hour for your hobby.

Oh. Now I'm blushing.

( piano music playing )

( sighs )

Isaac.

Gimme a drink, huh?

Are you crazy? Aren't you on duty?

Anything that's handy, and make it a triple.

( quietly ): You can't drink on duty.

You're gonna get yourself fired.

Maybe. But in the meantime, I'm gonna get myself drunk.

( sighs )

Okay, Teddy. What is it?

See that girl sitting over there?

Yeah. Isaac... she's my daughter.

No kidding.

You gonna introduce me?

Introduce you? I just met her myself.

( sighs )

Yeah, I cut out on her and her mother

when Wendy was only eight months old.

( sighs )

Wouldn't have recognized her,

except I saw this picture of her with my wife.

And Wendy didn't know you?

( scoffs )

You can bet there's no picture of me

sitting on her mother's mantel.

You gonna tell her?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, I know what you ought to do.

What?

Have a drink.

Isaac, you're a gentleman.

Salud. Salud.

STUBING: Mr. Anderson.

Sir.

After our recent conversation,

the last place I'd expect to find you is in the bar.

Oh, I was just thinking of the passengers, sir.

I mean, the glass was filled too high,

I didn't wanna spill any going down the passageway.

Your excuses are going downhill, Teddy.

Ah, yes, sir. This is your last warning.

Ah.

Hey, Teddy, what's happening?

Too much.

STUBING: Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

I hope you're enjoying your dinner.

We have one of the finest chefs afloat.

Oh, it's delicious.

STUBING: Sometimes I find it too delicious.

( mouths ): Oh, hi.

Uh, well, I hope you have a pleasant evening.

Thank you. Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Mr. Beatty, why don't you sit there.

Uh, Mr. Louden, you can sit here.

And Mrs. Louden, why don't you sit there beside Mr. Stockwood,

when they arrive.

D... Did you say Stockwood?

N-not Martin Stockwood.

Well, yes. I thought you might enjoy having dinner together.

After all, you're both in advertising.

Well, we've never met, but I know his reputation.

Stockwood is a vulture. How did he find out

that your client Beatty's here with you?

With a $12 million soap account at stake,

word gets around.

Don't worry, I'll handle it.

Listen, get nasty, hit low.

If Stockwood is here to steal your biggest account,

he deserves a knee in the gut.

Well, here they are now.

Mr. and Mrs. Martin Stockwood.

What a wonderful, wonderful surprise.

Mr. Stockwood, I'm Fred Beatty.

I'm in the soap business.

You are the soap business, Mr. Beatty. ( laughs )

( chuckles ) How do you do?

Yes. Well now, this is going to be an interesting evening.

Uh, Mr. Louden here is also in advertising.

What a wonderful, wonderful surprise.

( chuckles )

Well, now, shall we?

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Stockwood, uh,

right over there, please.

( upbeat theme playing )

There's no need to be diplomatic, Stockwood.

Louden here handled

my last advertising campaign.

It was a total flop.

( clears throat )

Actually, Mr. Beatty,

we all learned a great deal from it.

We learned it was a flop.

These boys play rough.

If you have any suggestions,

lay 'em on the table.

Not tonight.

I'm on vacation.

So am I.

There's no better time than a vacation to talk business.

Oh, I can understand Mr. Stockwood's position. Heh.

He doesn't wanna just spiel something

off the top of his head and look ridiculous.

He couldn't look any more ridiculous

than that last campaign your husband sold me.

This really is a jungle.

Go ahead. Spiel.

Go ahead.

No, really.

I came here to get away from business.

Unless, of course, uh,

somebody would like to talk about my, uh, hobby.

Martin. Uh. If, uh, you'll excuse us.

Uh, captain, if you'd like to join us later for a nightcap.

Oh, why, thank you. Uh, I'd enjoy that.

Mrs. Stockwood.

Captain.

( clears throat ) Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Honey. What'd you go and do that for?

I'm beginning to enjoy this.

( laughs )

( slow, upbeat theme playing )

You got anything to read?

Huh?

Do you have anything to read?

Well, there are three books in the cabin.

Ah.

You can have your pick on one condition.

What's that?

That you give me my going-away kiss

and my coming-back kiss right now.

Lady, you've got a deal.

( man speaks indistinctly )

Mrs. Bradley?

Would you care for an iced tea?

Thank you, Teddy.

You know, I can't tell who's more radiant.

You or the sun.

Ha-ha-ha. You are a charmer.

( chuckles ): Yes, I am.

Well, Mrs. Bradley,

you enjoying the cruise?

I love it.

Now I can understand why my father went to sea.

Oh.

Don't you have something to do?

Oh. Yes, sir.

So your, uh... Your father was a seaman?

Yes. Although I hardly knew him.

He died when I was a baby.

Shipwrecked off Cape Hatteras.

STUBING: Well, I'm sorry.

I can imagine just what he was like though.

Tall, handsome, brave.

And a wonderful captain.

Oh, he was a captain, was he?

Yes, Captain Edward R. Anderson.

He went down with the ship.

I wish I knew more about him,

but all I know is the name of the ship.

The Caroline T.

Mm.

Well, uh, I can lend you

Berman's Encyclopedia of American Shipwrecks

if you'd care to do some sleuthing.

I'd love it. Good.

Now, let's see.

I have an engagement for this evening.

What about tomorrow night?

I'm usually in my quarters about 10.

I'll be there.

Thank you, captain.

I'll see you then.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

Hello, Isaac.

Hey, look who's here. How's the back?

Hey, that Dr., uh, Bricker,

he's a miracle worker.

He gave me some kind of a karate chop

and two aspirins,

and now look. It's perfect.

Have you seen my wife?

Yeah. I think she's

right over there taking a nap.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to wake her up yet.

She's still asleep.

She was up all night playing nursemaid.

When she wakes up... tell her

I'm waiting for her in the cabin,

all right?

The champagne is on ice.

You got it.

( whimsical theme playing )

( laughs )

Everett, I'm telling you,

you have to watch out for that Martin Stockwood. Mm.

He's trying to steal your account.

Yeah. He's young, but sneaky.

The old, hard-to-get, dangle-the-bait routine.

Louden.

Ah. ( laughs )

You know, I like that fellow, Stockwood.

His mouth isn't always racing, with his brain in neutral.

That's a refreshing attitude

in your business, Everett.

Very refreshing.

Yes, uh, Mr. Beatty.

Everything all right, Mrs. Stockwood?

Doreen?

Oh, hi.

Forgot my name there for a minute.

( laughs )

How are you and, uh, Martin getting along?

Just great.

He's loving every minute of this.

Do you know last night

he invited the captain by for a drink?

Oh, really?

Hey, if you're gonna be an executive,

you gotta go all the way.

Yeah, well, there's a very fine line between

going all the way and going just a little too far.

There you are, Stockwood.

Doc, I'm worried.

I think Bill's in a little over his head.

Well, why tell me about it?

You and Gopher are the ones who put him up to it.

Mrs. Stockwood.

Hello. Hm.

I wanna pick your brain.

Oh?

Ooh!

I'm sorry, Louden.

That's gonna leave an awful stain

on your seersuckers.

DOREEN: You can get that out easily.

Ever hear of New Space Age Miracle Banish?

Are you kidding?

That's my new product.

And you're right, it really works.

Well, see, I could never figure out

why you gave it that name.

Why didn't you call it something simple

that says what the product does.

I mean, uh, you rub it in, and the spots are gone.

Why didn't you call it Spots Gone?

Spots Gone.

I like it.

I love it.

Can I use it?

Be my guest.

( whimsical theme playing )

Doc. He did it.

Bill really pulled it off.

Well, of course.

I never doubted it for a minute.

( upbeat theme playing )

I love you.

I love you too.

( sighs )

I'm never gonna get to sleep tonight.

I know.

Here.

Let me put some more cream on your sunburn.

( winces )

I always said you were too hot to handle.

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN: Purser Smith, report to your cabin.

You left your shower running.

Hop to it.

He said hop to it.

( sighs )

Oh.

( chuckles )

May I have this dance?

I think I'll sit this one out. ( sighs )

Yes. Wrong partner.

This is the last straw.

You have violated every standard of this ship.

Come to my office.

Now!

Ah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Here. Drink some more coffee.

Then maybe I can get some sense out of you.

Sorry, sir.

You should be.

Well, what excuse do you have this time?

Yeah, it's a long story, sir.

Aren't they all.

Years ago, I...

Years ago, I ran away to sea.

( scoffs )

Deserted a wonderful woman

and a beautiful baby

we brought into this world.

Alone, she raised the child by the...

By the sweat of her brow and the...

Mm, I can hear the violins playing already.

You don't expect me to buy this soap opera, do you?

Come on, captain, it's the truth.

Believe me, it's the truth.

You may not have believed me before,

but you can believe me now.

And that child is on this ship now.

Young Mrs. Bradley.

My Wendy.

( sighs )

So you're Captain Anderson...

master of the Caroline T.

I've never been a master of anything.

( sighs )

You're not gonna tell her, are you, sir?

Well, don't you think she'd rather have

a live father than a dead hero?

Not this father.

I'm a disgrace to my ship.

A disgrace to my family.

Disgrace to myself.

( knock at door )

WENDY: Captain Stubing?

It's Wendy Bradley.

Look, I'll leave the ship.

You'll... You'll never set eyes on me again.

But please, don't...

Don't destroy her dream.

Please come in.

Hi. You said I could do

some snooping about my father.

Yes. Well, I wanna tell you something...

about your father.

When you mentioned his name,

I thought it rang a bell.

It turns out that, uh, I knew your dad.

WENDY: You knew him?

Yes. Captain Anderson and I,

uh, sailed together on the same ship.

As a matter of fact, uh,

Teddy here sailed with him too.

Hm-hm. So you see,

you won't have to look him up in that book.

We can tell you all about him firsthand.

Oh, that's wonderful. I wanna know everything.

Yes. Uh... Well, um...

Please.

( soft theme playing )

Well, the first thing is, uh, he, uh...

He was a very nice-looking man.

Not too tall, but, uh, very well put together.

Uh, he had a good sense of humor,

and people loved him.

( chuckles )

Ah, you're his daughter all right.

You've got his smile.

What else?

Uh, yes. Well, now, uh, let's see.

Uh. Well, uh, he was

the kind of man that any girl

would love to have as her father.

Uh... he was a fine sailor.

Uh, a good man.

Good man, yes.

Uh, a credit to any ship

upon which he sailed.

Uh... good in a crisis. Mm-hm.

Uh, dependable, uh... Uh, strong.

Oh, yes, strong.

And, uh... Uh, well, I think that, uh...

Uh, Teddy here can tell you more about him.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's everything

the captain says he was and more.

Much more.

( chuckling )

Yeah. What a guy.

( exhales )

I can't go on with this, captain.

( stirring theme playing )

Wendy.

( sighs )

Your father's not dead.

And he was never a... A captain.

He was never anything more than a...

Than a ship's steward.

And he didn't handle that too well.

( exhales )

He's none of the things the captain said he was.

Wendy.

He's me.

I'm your father.

You?

What...?

And in all the years you...

You never even bothered...?

I wish... I wish you'd stayed dead.

Oh, wait a minute, Wendy... No!

Wendy, please don't go. Wendy.

( sobbing ): I'm sorry.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello. Oh, hi. Heh-heh.

How's Mrs. Lobster today?

Oh. Better, thanks.

Doc Bricker took care of my sunburn.

Between George and me, we're sure keeping him busy. Mm-hm.

Where is George? Did he go into Mazatlán?

Uh-huh. I sent him in for souvenirs of our honeymoon,

which so far isn't much of anything.

Mm.

Well, you were smart to stay on board.

Mexico is not known for its shade. ( chuckling )

Now, you just stay put.

We don't want anything else to happen to you

before he gets here.

( sedate theme playing )

( speaking inaudibly )

Aw.

How's the sunburn?

All better.

Oh.

Mm.

Thanks, honey. Oh.

They're beautiful. You're welcome.

There was a whole field of 'em

waving in the breeze.

You know what I did? What?

Kicked off my shoes, and I stretched out

in the middle of 'em and just daydreamed about us.

How wonderful we are together

and how glad I am we're married. Mm.

I love you.

Not half as much as I love you. Mm.

What's that?

Poison ivy.

( foghorn blowing )

( slow lounge music playing )

He came up with a name for Mr. Beatty's new product

that knocked him out.

Really? What'd he call it: "Boxing Gloves"?

( chuckles )

Spots Gone. So simple.

Why didn't you think of it?

Look at the way he's dancing with her.

Why don't you ever dance with me that way?

'Cause I'm working on another product:

Mouth Gone.

( hums )

Who told him to start naming products?

He wasn't supposed to get in that deep.

Well, he is in that deep,

and we're in there with him.

And if he sinks, we sink.

Don't say that on a ship.

Ah. Martin, my boy.

That Spots Gone idea of yours

is the best thing I've heard

in a long time.

Just a flash in the pan.

I don't think so.

That's why I've decided to let Martin handle my account.

Oops.

Uh, handle... Handle your, um...

entire account?

Uh, just a minute, Mr. Beatty.

Now, if you just want the name changed,

my company's all set up

to handle the whole campaign.

BILL: Yeah.

Uh, his company is, uh... well-equipped.

No. I've made up my mind.

You're my man. Sorry, Loudon.

What medium should we use

to introduce the new name?

I... I wouldn't recommend medium.

How about rare? Ha.

( laughing )

He's got a sense of humor too.

Answer the question.

Are you gonna buy radio, TV or print?

The man has a right to know

how you're gonna spend his money.

Uh... ( whispers ): Do something! What?

Create a diversion. Sing. Faint.

Take off your clothes.

Gopher, I can't do that.

All right, don't sing.

( sighs )

What's the comparative cost per thousand?

Should we discard our market research

and test the product again?

Uh...

What do you think of Houston as a test city?

Who's gonna do the packaging?

You know, if you're gonna steal my account,

I have a right to know what you're gonna do with it.

I'm not trying to steal your account.

I'm not Martin Stockwood.

What?

And I'm not in advertising.

How's he doing?

I'm Bill Edwards. I work in a supermarket.

I told you not to get involved.

You've got to be kidding.

The suite we're in

costs more than I make in six months.

I went along with it because I wanted Doreen,

just once, to have the best of everything.

Even if I could never give it to her again.

Young man, are you telling me

that you're an imposter?

No. I'm a glorified checker. Heh.

He is not. He's an assistant manager.

But whatever I am, I'm sorry.

Oh, have you seen the Stockwoods this evening?

Yes, sir, they're out on the bow.

Stern. Uh, fantail.

Right. We'll take you there. Right this way.

Are you sure you know where they are?

Just saw them a moment ago, right out here.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc, I'm telling you, we're in a real jam.

"We're?"

Julie and I cannot go hustling

the captain around this ship

every time he bumps into "the Martin Stockwoods."

If he finds out the truth, the captain's gonna kill us.

Us.

So what are we gonna do?

Kill him first?

( sighs )

Well, there's really only one thing to do.

I'll just go to him and make a clean breast

of the whole situation.

I'll just explain to him, "Sir...

"we were overbooked...

"uh, through an oversight, "and, uh...

"there was a whole cabin that was empty,

"uh, and under the circumstances,

we... We thought, uh..."

Uh...

Works for me.

Or there's Plan B.

And what's that?

You tell him.

Uh, do I look like a Plan B?

Look, with the kind of fix you're in,

you don't need an Adam Bricker.

You need an F. Lee Bailey.

These work for headaches?

Are you sure you don't mind if I go into Ensenada?

Oh, no, no.

Why should you have a horrible time

just because I've got poison ivy?

Poor baby.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

It's almost gone. I...

I'm gonna have the doctor check it out

once more this afternoon.

I'll be back before you know it.

I'll have the champagne waiting on ice

when you get back.

Oh, um... Um... Um...

( playful theme playing )

( inhales )

( exhales )

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

Oh, are we sailing already?

Yes, madam.

Oh good. I made it back just in time.

Open up, honey, and see what I bought for you.

( gasps )

Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong cabin.

I thought this was Promenade 342.

Well, it is Promenade 342.

Well, where's George?

There's no George here.

There's just me and the little woman.

What have you done with my husband?

This is our honeymoon.

Young woman, if you don't leave immediately,

I'm going to call Captain Norton.

"Norton"?

The captain's name is Stubing.

Captain Norton is captain of the Sun Princess.

The Sun Princess?

Oh, no. I'm on the wrong ship!

( upbeat theme playing )

So the porcupine says to the stewardess... ( chuckles )

( ringing )

Ah. Excuse me, Doc.

Just put your stewardess in a holding pattern.

Why not? I've been doing it all my life.

Yeoman Purser Smith.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Bye.

Let me guess.

Uh, her husband, the weightlifter,

found out about you two.

Mrs. Allison.

She got on the wrong ship.

Oh, no.

Doc, how am I gonna break the news to that guy?

Well... as the porcupine

said to the stewardess... "very carefully."

Thanks a lot, Doc.

( playful theme playing )

Ahem.

( sighs )

Mr. Allison.

Hi, it's Gopher.

Uh, your assistant purser. Yeah.

Uh, sir, I've got a message about your wife.

Uh, well, you know that old joke

about the good news and the bad news?

Well, do you know the one

about the porcupine and the stew...

Uh... Uh, certainly, sir. I'm coming to that.

Uh... Well, you see, the good news

is that your wife is okay.

And the bad news, uh, is that she's not...

here.

But the good news is that she got on the ship,

but the bad news is that she got on the wrong ship.

Uh, no, no. No, sir. No.

The good news is that she got off the wrong ship

before it sailed and took a plane to Los Angeles,

and the bad news is that...

Hey. No bad news. Isn't that great?

( chuckles )

Mr. Allison?

Sir, don't. Please.

Pl...

Sir? I can't bear to hear a grown man cry, sir.

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm sorry, guys.

I guess I really made a mess of things.

I don't know why you're apologizing.

I'm the one who got you into this.

No, I'm the one who should apologize.

I should've insisted we keep our own cabin.

No, no, it was my fault.

It was my idea in the first place.

All together now!

ALL: I'm sorry!

Hey, guys, I would have joined in,

but I hate to take sides in these things.

But I am sorry.

I guess I got a little drunk with power.

It's... It's funny, you know,

when they think you're a wheel,

they hang on your every word.

You're still a wheel to me, honey.

( knock on door )

Mr. Beatty.

BILL: Mr. Beatty.

Allow me to apologize again.

Sir, allow all of us to apologize.

Let's not go into that again.

Son, never apologize for sound thinking.

Mr. Beatty likes your style,

and you know what?

I do too.

You're in that supermarket every day,

watching people, listening to them.

We sit in our offices and get carried away

with our blue-sky theories.

You know, sometimes we need somebody

to put us back in touch.

Tell him, Everett.

We're prepared to offer you

a job in the agency.

You'll only have trainee status, of course.

But we feel you'll only be a trainee for a short while.

You'll be working on my account.

How does that sound?

Scary. I've never studied advertising.

I only know the supermarket.

What do you think, hon?

I think once you make up your mind,

you can do anything.

Then...? Then it's yes?

Yes. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Marvelous.

Thank you.

I know you're going to enjoy working with my husband.

And we're gonna get to know each other.

No, please don't thank me.

Your happiness is reward enough.

( all speaking at same time )

And you guys didn't think I could pull it off.

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

Teddy wants to talk to you.

Sam, for the last time, I don't wanna talk to him.

I spent most of the afternoon with him.

He made a big mistake,

but I think he paid for it.

Look, honey, he and your mom

could never have made a go of it,

but as for how he feels about you...

you're his child.

At least give him a chance to explain.

How can he explain 26 years of not caring?

I can't.

( sighs )

God knows I did care.

I do care.

But what did I have to offer you?

Never been long on responsibility.

I can't keep a dollar in my pocket.

I drink too much, and I've never told the truth

when a lie would do.

( sighs )

The truth is, I would have made your life miserable.

No.

( sighs )

I know it doesn't do any good to say I'm sorry, and I...

I don't expect you to forgive me.

But I want you to know that I realize now that...

I've cheated myself of 26...

of the best years a man could have.

Twenty-six years of knowing you.

Don't go.

( sobbing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

Well, Mr. Allison, I hope you had a... A...

A... We had everything.

Third-degree sunburn,

poison ivy, muscle spasm,

and now two days' separation.

Well, you're lucky.

It could have been a longer cruise.

That was a joke. I'm sorry.

SALLY: George! George!

Oh, Sally, sweetheart.

Oh. I missed you so much.

Me too. Oh, George, I'm sorry.

All the ships look the same...

Oh, it's all right. It's all right.

Come on, Mrs. Allison.

Let's go have our honeymoon at home. Mm.

Mm.

With their luck, their cab will probably

have a flat tire.

That ought to give you time to get organized.

I don't know how to thank you, Mr. Louden.

Nonsense. As far as I'm concerned,

it's a coup for us.

Spots Gone. I love it.

Well... bye, guys.

Bye. And thanks.

Bye. I'm really glad that everything worked out.

Me too. Lucky for us,

the captain still hasn't a clue.

Uh, Mr. Edwards, I believe.

I think he has a clue.

Uh, yes, ahem, captain.

I, uh, just had a call

from a Mr. Martin Stockwood.

Well, apparently, you borrowed his suites.

Uh, yes, sir.

You Madison Avenue types will go to any length

to land an account, won't you?

It is absolutely amazing.

It really is a jungle out there, isn't it?

"Spots Gone." I'm glad I thought of that.

( laughs )

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, it's a terrible thing, being your father.

Why?

What's so terrible about it?

One thing, beat myself out of a big tip.

WENDY: We're gonna see you in two weeks.

Right? Mm-hm.

I can't wait to show you the new apartment.

I'll be there with bells on.

Hold it. WENDY: Oh, Sam.

That's another terrible thing about being your father.

I feel like I'm on Candid Camera.

Ha-ha! You too?

Goodbye, dad.

"Dad." It sounds nice.

It sure does, honey.

Two weeks.

Right.

( sighs )

Nice family you've got there.

Yeah, thanks to you, captain.

Being a parent seems to be good for you.

I've never seen you so... efficient.

So punctual. Yeah.

Well, I've got responsibilities to live up to.

Hey, Teddy!

Hey, Ginger, baby!

( chuckles )

Uh, Miss Ladue.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )