Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi.

( groans )

Can I help you, sir?

Now that I'm aboard this tub, what else is there to do

aside from keeping lookout for whales and shark?

Oh, well, we have deck tennis, Ping-Pong,

and there are two swimming pools onboard.

I'm sure you'll make a big splash, mister, uh...?

Bootherstone. Franklyn Bootherstone.

No, I don't care for your Ping-Pong or deck tennis.

As for swimming, the only time I go swimming

is when the Monongahela River gets nasty

and spits up all over McKeesport, Pennsylvania.

Oh. Well, how about your socializing?

No, I don't want to get mixed up

with one of your Sun City swingers.

I'm here for solitude and the sea air.

Not to mingle with some blue-rinsed hairdo

looking for action.

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Good morning.

Nice morning, captain.

Nice? It's a great morning.

Well, I'm glad to see you're so chipper, sir,

but this is just another cruise.

Oh, for you, perhaps.

Not for me.

While we were in port, they repainted my cabin.

Hm-hm.

Come, Dr. Bricker. Join me.

Feast your eyes.

Good to have you aboard, Mr. and Mrs. Black.

Sean?

Sean McGlynn.

Julie McCoy.

Bobby's sister.

( gasps )

I don't believe it.

Little Julie?

Boy, it's great to see you.

How long's it been?

Practically forever.

Yeah, about the same length of time I've been waiting in line.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, your name?

Mickey. Mickey O'Day.

You my roommate?

No.

Um... your roommate is, uh...

Mr. McGlynn here.

Hi.

You're sharing Cabin 314.

Fiesta Deck.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

Hey, grab this, will you?

I got a bum ticker. Ha.

( playful theme playing )

See you later?

Yeah, just try and escape.

( chuckles )

STUBING: Miss McCoy.

Join us for the unveiling.

Captain, if I know the ship's painters,

they've just brightened up the old dingy off-white

with a coat of new dingy off-white.

No. These are new painters that I found.

Artists.

Color Coordinate Consultants, Inc.

Good painters, huh?

Not just painters.

Tint engineers.

What?

You heard. Tint engineers.

You see, the captain selected a unique color

that had to be mixed especially for him.

Singapore sunset saffron.

The color is like the early morning sun

glistening over the straits of Calcutta.

The noon haze over Ceylon.

Look. This is a sample.

Oh, yellow.

Well... how did it come out?

Oh, captain, I'm glad we ran into you.

It's not quite bone-dry yet.

Well, can I look at it? Ah.

Well, it's now 10:20.

Please. Just a peek. ( cart rolling )

Oh, well, if you put it that way, sir.

Of course.

The cart.

The cart.

Isaac!

( grunts )

I think I need two coats.

I think you'll like the way

we painted your cabin, captain.

Ah, yes, and do be careful.

The trim is still moist.

That's why we put up the "moist paint" sign.

( both ): Where?

Right here, Captain Dept.

That's "deputy captain."

You've painted the wrong cabin.

Oh.

Deputy captain.

BOTH ( in unison ): You painted the wrong room.

Cabin.

You two will stay on this ship until my cabin is painted,

and painted to my satisfaction.

Ah, ah... Aye, aye, sir.

How many times have I told you to check something out

so that we don't waste our energy?

I always check things out

so we don't waste our energy.

Well, you obviously didn't do

too good a job of it this time,

because we wasted a... ( horn blowing )

And here we are. Huh.

Put that there.

Now, this is your closet.

Yes. My closet.

And this is your light switch.

Yes. My light switch.

And this is my ceiling, and this is my floor.

Well, actually, sir, you know,

this isn't my normal job.

I'm really an officer on this ship.

How wonderful for you, officer.

And this is your bathroom here.

Young man, I've lived on this planet some 75 years,

and, uh, by this time

I think I know how a bathroom works.

Of course. Here. Take this.

Go buy yourself a good cigar or a cheap cup of coffee.

Oh. Well, sir, you know,

if there's anything you need. Anything I...

That's all you're going to get.

And close the door after you.

( sighs )

( whistling )

( horn blowing )

( majestic theme playing )

( people chattering excitedly )

( groans )

( sighs )

( whistles )

Pay all this money for a stateroom,

you can't even get in the bathroom.

( grunts )

What's happening?

What...? What's happening?

I'm trying to get into my john.

Who are you and why are you hiding in there?

I'm not hiding in there.

I work here.

I'm your chambermaid.

Nonsense.

You don't look old enough

to be a chambermaid.

Almost 26.

Hm. Hm, hm. Where?

But I look much younger, because I eat right.

Get plenty of rest, exercise.

And I'm at peace with the cosmos.

Well...

before they make you a saint, tell me who you are now.

I told you, I'm your chambermaid.

Nonsense.

Chambermaids wear uniforms.

They don't go around dressed like the groupies

from the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Pretty smart for a senior citizen.

Don't you patronize me. I want the truth.

Or at least a good first-class lie.

All right.

Did you ever hear of the Junior CIA?

Oh, no, no. Good heavens.

I'm a beautiful heiress being chased by kidnappers.

I'm going to have you hauled in for trespassing.

No, please!

Don't. Ooh.

Leave those alone.

My name is Nancy Brown.

Ah-ha-ha-ha. And I am John Doe.

Well, it is... my real name.

Honest.

How come you're alone?

I mean, a nice, distinguished- looking man like you.

Don't you try to flatter me, you twerp.

I'm the one that's asking the questions.

What are you doing on this ship?

Traveling.

Why, you gonna make something out of it?

You are a runaway, aren't you?

Aren't you?!

Things were getting heavy at home.

Hm.

( chuckles )

And you just couldn't get along

with your parents, huh?

My parents died in an accident a long time ago.

Mm-hm.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Every day.

Who are you living with now?

Foster parents.

My fifth set. They're the pits.

Pits?

Pits.

I mean, they won't let me grow up.

They tell me what to wear.

What to think.

Who to go out with.

So you packed your bubble gum and hit the road.

I have to make it to Acapulco.

Acapulco?

Mm.

What's there, there, outside of humidity you can drink

and tap water you can't?

Randy.

Oh, Randy.

I might have known.

We met at a concert.

It was great.

We spent two days together waiting in line to get in.

We built a very meaningful relationship.

Two days?

You had a meaningful relationship?

( chuckles )

Ah, why not?

With the generation that just wants instant orange juice

and instant coffee.

Well, we did.

Young lady, I had a meaningful relationship too.

Only it took me 45 years to build it.

( sighs )

With my wife, Evelyn.

Oh.

Where is she?

I lost her.

Six months ago.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

( melancholy theme playing )

Every day.

All right, uh, Miss, uh, uh...

Brown. Miss Brown.

I can see that you have problems...

but I think it's time that you got off this ship.

No. Wait a minute.

Don't... Don't... Don't turn me in.

You are going to have to get off this ship.

Okay.

But you better find me a life jacket.

Why?

We pulled out of San Pedro 5 minutes ago.

( playful theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

Then comes the social hour in the lounge.

That's when you scout the action.

'Course you got money in the bank with that

cute little Julie up there.

She really gave you that moo-goo-gai-pan look.

Oh, don't be silly.

She's my best friend's kid sister.

You play your cards right,

this could be a dynamite cruise for you.

Uh-oh, time for my pill.

Some doctor I got.

Diagnosing a heart condition

in a man as young and vital as myself.

That doctor could see me with the ladies,

he'd have a heart attack.

These things would choke Seattle Slew.

( whinnies )

Hey, come on, let's get going.

( claps hands )

Let's get out there and meet some dames.

Straighten up there, babe. Hm.

Oh, you're gonna kill 'em, sweetheart.

( kisses hand )

( lighthearted theme playing )

No, no, but suppose someone did sneak aboard

as a stowaway.

What would the ship's policy be?

Well, sir, they'd be placed ashore at the first port.

Unless of course, they're willing to pay their passage.

But why are we supposing?

Sir, no one sneaks aboard this ship without my knowledge.

I have my eyes peeled at all times

warily scanning the area for interlopers.

But somebody did sneak aboard and she's in my cabin right now.

'Course, I only have two eyes,

and I can't be everywhere at once.

I'm surprised Julie didn't notice her.

Wh... But don't worry, sir,

if she's on board I'll have her removed immediately.

Forcibly if necessary.

Just a minute, officer.

The truth is, she's my granddaughter.

Your granddaughter?

Yes. She didn't notice the ship had left port.

I'll gladly pay for her passage.

Uh, how about a cabin?

Well, sir, that could be a problem.

You see, we're all sold out.

There isn't another cabin on the entire ship.

They got a spare lifeboat? No.

You got room in the swimming pool?

The shallow end?

How about the deeper end? She's a good swimmer.

Sir, if she's your granddaughter,

why doesn't she share your cabin?

Well, why didn't I think of that before?

( chuckles )

Because the idea stinks.

That idea stinks, Julie.

It was your idea, Gopher.

( pleasant theme playing )

What'd you drag me down here for, anyway?

We could have eaten in the cabin.

I don't want to attract ants. Here.

Don't do me any favors.

Do me a favor, and try and act like a lady.

Let's see...

I hope you're hungry. I'm starved.

Do you have a hollow leg to match your hollow head?

What are you doing?

Cool it. There goes the captain.

If he sees me, I've had it.

"If." Heh.

I think, uh, I'll start with some deep-fried clams,

a bowl of chowder.

But I'm torn between the lobster Newburg

and seafood au gratin.

Mm. What time is the funeral?

What do you mean by that?

Those things will put you away.

Nonsense.

Seafood's good for you.

Did you ever see an unhealthy shark?

Sharks do not eat sauces which plug up his arteries.

( sighs ): Ah, very well.

I'll try the Mexican menu.

Enchilada con mole,

chileana re... Rellena... And a burrito.

There's enough spice in that stuff

to give high blood pressure to a dump truck.

Well, what do you want me to eat?

I'm not in the mood for a bowl of oatmeal.

Well, there are plenty of things here

that make a positive, organic and nutritional statement.

I don't want my food to make a statement.

I want it to lie quietly on my fork and die happy.

How about some of these:

spinach salad with alfalfa... Yech.

Hearts of kale... Yech.

Watercress and Bibb-lettuce salad.

What am I supposed to do after I eat that?

Give four quarts of milk?

Now what? There's the captain again.

I'm sure he's looking for me. ( mutters indistinctly )

Uh, captain?

Oh, yes, sir?

Uh, Bootherstone. Franklyn B. Bootherstone.

Uh, this young twerp is, uh, Nancy.

Well, it's nice to have you on board.

Can I help you?

Yes, we were just discussing

some of the finer points of maritime law.

Is it true they no longer use the cat-o'-nine-tails

on stowaways?

Yes, that's right.

Uh, we outlawed that cat-o'-nine-tails

many years ago.

Now we just make stowaways walk the plank.

Just as I thought.

Thank you, captain.

What did you have to go and mention stowaways for?

Now I'm sure he'll be looking for me.

No he won't. How do you know?

Because in a moment of madness I uncorked my checkbook

and paid for your passage.

You what?

I told them that you were my granddaughter.

You did that for me? Mm-hm.

Oh, that's terrific!

I love it. Oh! Hey, no, no. Don't hug me.

Don't hug me here in public.

Uh, feed me.

Okay, but you're gonna have to eat my way.

Do I have to?

Yes, you have to.

Hi. We'll have one burrito and some french fries,

and just a couple of fried clams.

Start being healthy tomorrow.

Mm.

( both laughing )

( mellow jazz theme playing )

I know what's different.

What?

You've got your braces off.

Yes. You can't call me Metal Mouth anymore. Heh.

Metal Mouth?

You've grown into a beautiful woman.

I mean a really beautiful woman.

( jazz music playing )

That's a pretty song.

Would you like to dance?

Huh. I'm not much in the dance department.

Julie. Telephone.

Oh, thanks.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Don't go away. Oh! Not me.

Classy, huh? Ha.

Julie? Oh-ho.

None finer.

Thank you.

Let me tell you somethin', kid.

She digs you.

( scoffs )

We've known each other since we were kids.

Oh, yeah?

But she's not a kid anymore.

( laughs )

No, she isn't.

I happen to know from past experience.

This time of night, the most romantic spot on the ship

is the Riviera Deck, overlooking the fantail.

Sorry. Heh.

Hey, why don't we go to some nice quiet place and relax?

I-I know just the place.

The card room.

We can play a game of bridge.

Bridge?

Well, I'm really not very good.

Well, that's because you don't play enough.

Bridge.

Gee, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Come on.

You know, they had their nerve

calling that thing we ate for dinner a burrito.

NANCY: I thought it was great.

Just goes to show, you don't know anything about burritos.

And I suppose you do,

coming from McKeesport, Pennsylvania,

burrito capital of the world.

I just know what I like, and I know that thing had no body,

and no flavor, and the sauce had no bite in it.

Is this what you're wearing to bed?

I have to.

The one that says "Breakfast of Champions" is still drying.

My land, I'm sharing my room with a billboard.

( giggles )

What are you doing here? Heh.

The laundry? Nope.

No, I'm going to have a little privacy in here,

I think.

Can you hand me that, uh, blanket there, the blue one?

Okay.

Throw it over.

Thatta girl. Heh-heh.

Hey, where'd you ever come up with a gimmick like this?

Well, didn't you ever see It Happened One Night?

If it worked for Clark Gable, it can work for me.

Who's Clark Gable?

You don't know who Clark Gable is?

Uh-uh.

Well, let me put it this way:

if Charlie Bronson were really tough, he'd be Clark Gable.

( chuckles )

NANCY: Evelyn, here.

Your wife, she's really pretty.

Yes. Yes she is.

( tender theme playing )

You know, it's a funny thing.

I was always the one who was running to the doctor

with heart pains and backaches,

and in the long run, she went first.

It's not fair, is it?

Who said life was fair?

Do you have any kids?

No, we were never blessed.

But without Evelyn, my life is just like that burrito:

no flavor, no zest.

Well, why are we getting so morbid?

What is this, True Confessions?

Come on. Let's get to bed.

It's getting late.

And if you snore, I'll stuff you out the porthole.

I don't snore. Heh-heh.

Go on, get to bed.

Thanks.

For what?

Well, if it weren't for you,

I'd probably be sleeping in the boiler room tonight.

( laughs )

Ohhhh, forget it.

( tender theme swells )

I won't forget it.

Grandpa.

Go to sleep.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

What are you doing, Gopher?

I just wrote a letter to my grandmother in Florida.

She really loves to hear from me.

( sighs ) And you expect her to get it?

Last letter I sent, she got in 18 months.

In a bottle?

No, I mailed that one.

Come on, just take one shot.

Only shot I'll take will be at the bar.

This is a ship and everybody plays shuffleboard on a ship.

All right, but I don't see any point in a silly game

where you take a stick and shove...

Incredible. You sure you never played?

Beginner's luck. I don't believe you.

All right, I'll play you a game and prove it.

Okay, but not for money.

I think you're a hustler.

( both laugh )

Drop cloths?

Check.

Scaffold? Check.

Pigment applicators.

Check, check.

( knock on door )

Who is it?

STUBING: Captain Stubing.

Oh, just one moment, sir.

Oh, you're just in time, sir.

We just finished.

You haven't done anything.

You haven't finished painting.

Oh, not the painting, sir.

We've just finished the mixing.

Two days and all you've done is mix the paint?

But, sir, uh...

Uh, Singapore sunset saffron

is not what you would call an easy shade.

That's not right.

It's not right?

That's not Singapore sunset saffron.

Now, are you sure you have the formula right?

Oh, ab... Absolutely, sir.

I have it... I have it right here.

Let's see, uh...

Uh... Oh. Singapore sunset saffron.

"One gallon cadmium base,

"one half-ounce carmine, "one cc ocher,

and two smidgens titian."

Uh, I thought you said, ahem, three smidgens titian.

( chuckles )

No, I, uh...

I, um, distinctly said two smidgens titian.

Well, that's no problem, Ronald.

I'll simply remove one small smidgen titian like this:

( chuckles )

Just mix the paint and get on with it.

( door shuts )

Um, but it's all mixed up.

You... You can't simply remove one small smidgen titian

like this:

( playful theme playing )

Kemosabe.

Well, as long as you're getting ridiculous about this, Ronald.

No, no, I think you should think this over...

Miss McCoy, if you don't get your painters to finish

with my cabin today,

I'll have them thrown off at the first port of call.

I'll take care of that right away, sir.

Now, I have had enough of this!

Hi, Julie.

If I crossed my legs like that,

I'd have to pry 'em apart with a crowbar.

Aw, don't be so stubborn.

Come on, give it a try.

What have you got to lose? ( grunting )

My circulation.

( grunts )

You're getting it.

There we go.

My blood's going places

it hasn't been in for 60 years.

( both laughing )

Now chant.

( chanting): Om.

Om.

Now you try.

( chanting ): Om.

Om.

♪ Home on the range ♪

♪ Where the deer And the antelopes play ♪

BOTH: ♪ Where seldom is heard A discouraging word ♪

♪ And the skies are not Cloudy all day ♪

Ah!

( both laughing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

Oh. Oh.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

( laughing ): I... I couldn't be better.

Keeping busy?

Well, yeah, there's always something.

Listen. Uh... I'm on a break right now,

and I've got some great snapshots

of the old gang down in my cabin.

Come on, let's go take a look.

Okay?

Oh, I don't know.

It's a shame to waste this weather

in a stuffy old cabin.

Right. Right.

Um...

Sean?

Yeah?

I'm kind of a direct person.

I like things on the line.

Is there some reason

why the two of us can't, uh...?

I mean, uh... Yeah?

How come we...

a-a-aren't, uh... jogging?

( majestic theme playing )

I couldn't believe it when Julie said

we won the dance contest.

Where'd you learn how to do the bump and the hustle?

The bump and the hustle?

I beg your pardon. I was doing the Charleston.

What's the Charleston?

Oh, just a dance Clark Gable used to do.

Heh, heh. Our dancing days are now over.

Tomorrow we'll be in Acapulco,

and you'll see Randy, your consort prince of acne.

He doesn't have acne.

He's almost 19.

And you're almost 16.

Tell me, what do you two old fogies do on dates?

Help one another in and out of wheelchairs?

Age is only in the mind.

Let me tell you, when you get to be my age,

it's also in the body.

And my mind and body tells me that you are, uh...

Are doing the wrong thing, runnin' off together.

But we're not just gonna live together, y...

We're getting married.

Mm-hm.

I mean, isn't that what turns on your generation?

There's something else that turns on our generation too:

that is to let a relationship grow,

and learn another person's faults and virtues,

his hopes, his dreams,

before you make the commitment of marriage.

I know all that sounds good and everything,

but half of my friends' parents are divorced.

I know.

I'm just saying that you ought to take more time.

Well, you're not even out of high school.

You think Randy's going to stay interested in a girl

who could not bisect an isosceles triangle?

( both chuckle )

You know, for a man who never had kids,

you sure have a lot of fatherly advice to hand out.

I'm not telling you anything that your foster parents

couldn't have told you.

Oh, no.

No, you allow me to argue with you.

You discuss.

You... You give me alternatives.

With them, there was only one answer.

It was no, and they put their foot down.

( stomps foot )

Hm. If I stomped my foot like that,

I'd bust my support hose.

( stage whispering ): Why don't you go back to L.A.?

Hm?

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

I guess you're right.

But I'm gonna have to tell Randy face to face.

I mean, it'd be rotten of me not just to show up.

True.

When I come back from Acapulco,

I'm gonna bring you back a burrito so spicy,

you're gonna have more gas than the Shah of Iran.

Goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie.

( both laughing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

( sighs )

Oh, you look very nice, sir,

but be careful on your way out.

Wet paint, you know.

Don't worry about my being careful.

Just you be careful.

( sighing )

Singapore sunset saffron.

( sighing ): It's marvelous.

( door closes )

( upbeat theme playing )

I just can't believe

that we've got the rest of the evening together.

And the night is still young.

( sighs )

Cold?

A little.

Oh, here's my coat. Heh.

I'll help you.

Thanks.

Sean?

What is it, Metal Mouth?

It's just been so great seeing you

after all these years.

And you must know I've had a crush on you

since... Since I can't remember when.

( soft romantic theme playing )

A crush?

Yeah.

You're gonna have to excuse me.

I-I-I just remembered.

Uh, I-I have all these postcards I promised to write, and...

And if I don't get them done tonight,

they wont' be ready to mail when we reach port tomorrow.

Postcards?

I knew you'd understand.

The night is young, my fanny.

( melancholy theme playing )

Hi, Doc.

Hi.

Well, your dress designer was doing great

till he got to the coat.

Julie?

( crying ): Doc, what's the matter with me?

Hey. Easy, kid.

What is it?

I think I love him,

and he couldn't care less about me.

Sean?

Of course he cares.

Then why won't he make a pass at me?

Well, let me put it this way:

( sighs )

It's a mystery to me.

Look, some guys are just shy.

Why don't you make a pass at him?

I have been making passes.

At least, I think I have.

Well, you see, if you're not sure,

he probably isn't either.

Well, what am I supposed to do, hit him over the head?

It'd be a novel approach.

It might work.

Thanks, Doc.

( tender theme playing )

What a band.

They are hot.

This is gonna be a three-shirt night.

Why don't you come with me. You'll have a great time.

That cute little Julie's probably waiting

up there for you.

Not tonight.

Man, I don't understand you.

Here you got this doll who's crazy about you,

and you don't take her up on it.

You wanna end up a lonely, desperate man like me?

( knocking on door )

Yeah.

Well, hey. Hi, good lookin'.

I was just leaving.

Go for it.

Hey, hey, hey.

( sultry voice ): You forgot your jacket.

Well, uh, I, uh, um...

( romantic theme playing )

But I... Don't talk.

Huh?

Listen. I'm not Bobby's little sister anymore.

I'm a full-grown, red-blooded American woman.

( muffled ): I can see that.

( normal voice ): Huh?

I can see that.

( sultry voice ): Anyway, what I'm looking for

is a full-grown, red-blooded American man.

( sighs )

( normal voice ): That sounded really stupid,

didn't it?

I don't believe I said that.

Well, this whole seduction thing is an obvious bust.

I'm the bust.

I couldn't vamp a guy

who's been on a desert island for 40 years.

Oh, wait. Sure you could.

You're a fantastic lady,

and I think you're great.

( tender theme playing )

( grunts )

I don't wanna interrupt this,

but I think I'm having a heart attack.

Do you think you could find me a doctor?

And... a priest?

( Julie dialing )

Make that just a doctor.

( quiet dramatic theme playing )

You're a priest?

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

Now I have to make confession.

Confess outside. He needs a little sleep.

Everything's gonna be okay.

I've given you a mild sedative to relax you,

and I'll drop in a couple of times during the night.

Thanks, Doc.

Anything else you need?

Yeah.

You could stop by the Acapulco Lounge

and tell that cute little redhead I was dancing with

I'm gonna have to sit the next one out.

And so I went on this cruise to try and sort things out.

As a priest, I felt out of touch.

They call it a crisis of faith,

but I found out that with or without the collar,

a priest is who I am.

Well, I feel like an idiot coming onto you like that.

You didn't know, and you're not an idiot.

And if things had been different,

things might have been different.

I couldn't understand why you didn't want to dance.

You used to be such a terrific dancer.

( sighs )

I didn't think I'd be any good.

I haven't had much practice lately.

Well, there's no time like the present, Father.

( sighs )

Well, I'll try not to step on your toes, Metal Mouth.

( both chuckle )

( slow dance song playing )

Mm. Heh.

( lively upbeat theme playing )

Morning, sir.

How's the cabin look?

( quietly ): It's not finished yet.

No need to worry, Miss McCoy.

Singapore sunset saffron is worth the wait.

A Singapore who, sir?

Sunset saffron.

It's a color.

A very personal color.

One that up to this point has only been in my mind's eye.

Oh, yellow.

It's Singapore sunset saffron.

But, sir, this looks like yellow to me.

Um... this yellow!

STUBING: Ridiculous.

Oh.

It's the same.

( playful theme playing )

My entire ship is painted Singapore sunset saffron.

But, sir, what could be more personal?

( sighs )

Captain, we're all finished.

Oh, your Singapore sunset saffron is sensational.

Mm-hm.

Blue. Paint it blue.

Blue?

Just plain blue, sir?

Uh, how about Bulgarian navy blue?

I don't care. Just paint it blue.

All of it!

The trim? The woodwork?

Everything.

Everything will be blue... ( splashing )

My shoes are yellow.

Not yellow, sir.

Singapore sunset saffron.

( gentle theme playing )

( pianist playing soft jazz music)

Oh, good evening, Mr. Bootherstone.

How was Acapulco?

Nice, Julie, if you like quaint little Mexican souvenirs

made in quaint little Japan.

Hey, candles, flowers, bottle on ice.

You got a heavy date?

My granddaughter. Heh-heh.

And from the way she eats,

I think she would never be heavy.

One of her ancestors must have been a rabbit.

( giggles )

Where is Nancy?

She'll be aboard soon.

She's saying goodbye to a young man.

Oh.

Well, you have a terrific dinner.

And don't let all that champagne go to your head.

Not for me.

Nancy's only 16.

( sighs )

According to her taste,

I had the steward make up a bag of my carrot juice.

( sniffs )

Mm.

Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING ( on PA ): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope you enjoyed your stay in Acapulco.

Our next stop: Puerto Vallarta,

at 0800 tomorrow morning.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

( grunts )

( lively tropical theme playing )

Mr. Bootherstone?

How are you today?

Perfect.

Uh, did you have fun in Puerto Vallarta?

Fun?

Is that all you people on board ship think about,

fun, fun, fun?

Who goes on a cruise ship to have fun.

I haven't seen your granddaughter today.

She stayed back in Acapulco.

Would you like me to notify the authorities?

No, she's a grown girl.

Perfectly able to take care of herself.

Let her do her own thing, and I'll do mine.

Hey, mister, want a taste of burrito

that could set your house on fire?

Nancy! Hi.

( laughing )

Oh, don't do that!

What? Why not?

You just killed your burrito.

Oh.

( both laughing )

Nancy. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

You were worried.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, I was. A little.

Come on. A lot.

( both laugh )

Oh, Nancy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But Randy and I got hung up in this long conversation.

Before we knew it, the ship was gone.

But he drove all night to catch up with the ship.

That was real nice of him.

He's a nice guy.

Oh, and he agrees with you.

We should wait to get married.

He's also a bright guy.

And I'm gonna go and finish school...

even if it does mean

staying with those people in Santa Monica.

They may not be as bad as you think they are.

You're 16.

After all, that'll be only two more years.

Two years.

It might as well be a hundred.

No, time flies.

( both chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )

Gopher, is that the captain's plant?

That's right.

I'm the only one he trusts with it.

You know, I've done a lot of reading about plants,

and that particular kind

survives a lot longer on salt water.

No kidding? Honest.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Thanks for the tip.

Here you are, captain. Take these.

What are they?

Uh, tranquilizers.

If your cabin's not painted right this time,

I want you to be prepared.

Nonsense. What could go wrong?

I gave them specific, accurate instructions

that any moron... Any two morons.

Could follow:

just paint everything blue.

( rueful theme playing )

Oh. How do you like it, captain?

I told you it'd leave him speechless, Ronald.

I told you.

Yes, you did, Vincent. Speechless!

You said it would leave him speechless.

I'll get some water for your tranquilizers, captain.

Well.

Maybe I'll get used to it.

Or maybe I'll hang two painters from the yardarm.

If any of your friends have boats, sir,

please tell them about us.

Here's your hat, sir.

Get off my ship!

( door shuts )

( sighs )

( Stubing sighs )

( elevator bell dings )

Officer. GOPHER: Yes, sir.

Officer, I would like to make arrangements

for a series of ship- to-shore calls. Yes, sir.

Furthermore, I'd like to make it arranged

to have them put on my bill.

Of course, sir. As you know,

we're here to make you happy.

Oh, thank you, officer.

In that case, put them on your bill.

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ronald?

Vincent?

I know you're hiding in here.

I can smell paint.

VINCENT: Hello, Julie.

Ah, what's new?

The captain's in his quarters,

so please get off the ship now,

before he sees you, or I'll be off with you.

Oh, we're very sorry for all the mishaps, Miss McCoy,

and thank you for everything.

Yes. Thank you, Julie.

There's blue paint all over my hand.

Oh, no, there isn't.

No, that's midnight Mediterranean magenta.

Well, Ronald, what do we do now?

Uh, what would do you say to a skiing vacation in Vail?

We could be ski instructors.

We can't ski.

Well, we can't paint either,

but we did con them out of a free cruise, didn't we?

Come on, painter, we'll go skiing.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, hello, Julie. Heh.

Well, so long. It's been a grand cruise.

Thanks for everything.

Well, I want you both to know it's been a real pleasure

having two generations of Bootherstones onboard.

I hope you'll both be back with us again.

Thanks.

Bye.

( serious theme playing )

( seagull squawking )

I gotta go. Oh, look, there's a seagull.

Hey, I feel lousy enough as it is,

please let me go.

You know, you hardly ever see a seagull

in McKeesport, Pennsylvania.

( sobbing ): What's going on?

I mean, it's tough enough to stand here

without blubbering like some 16-year-old,

without you stalling.

Who's stalling?

Hi, Nancy.

Miss Westcott.

Bootherstone, Franklyn B.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet you after talking so many times.

You two have been talking?

I've been trying to find out from your social worker,

since you don't like that family you're staying with,

if you'd like to try me out.

You mean, you want to be my foster parent?

Oh, wow.

Of course, we'd have to put Mr. Bootherstone

through a rigorous screening, but there's a possibility.

Oh, wow.

"Oh, wow."

You see, she needs me, if only to enlarge her vocabulary.

( laughs )

It may take time to make the change.

That's okay with me. He's worth waiting for.

And so is she.

Hey, this is far out.

I mean, I'll take care of you.

I can cook for you too. Yeah. Heh-heh.

But if you serve me a zucchini peppered with bean sprouts,

the deal is off. Oh, no, I won't do that.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, so long, Julie.

It's been quite a trip.

Been nice seeing you after all these years.

Wouldn't it be great if one of these days

I could marry you?

What?

In my church.

Oh.

You bring the groom.

Ah, there you are.

Adios, doll, it was an interesting voyage.

Goodbye, Mickey.

So long, roomy.

Thanks for everything.

And I mean everything, Father.

How is he?

Well, the doctor says he has a case of gastrointestinitis

and allegro modenus.

Ooh.

Oh, that's Latin for acute indigestion

and an overabundance of boogying.

( laughing )

Well, so long, Julie.

Bye-bye.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )