Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Ah. Somehow 86 degrees,

bright sunshine and a smog alert

don't say Christmas to me.

What's missing is snow.

Of course it's missing. It's 86 degrees.

Oh, I sure wish I was up in Oregon with my folks.

You know, this is the first Christmas

I've ever spent without my family.

How do you think I feel?

I never spend Christmas with your family.

( both laugh )

But I know what you mean, Julie.

I mean, Christmastime should be family time.

I would've been in Las Vegas.

Nothing more traditional

than Christmas at a crap table. ( chuckles )

But it is traditional.

Every year my ex-wives get together

and treat me to a big turkey dinner.

Sort of their way of saying thanks.

We always spend Christmas at my Uncle Delmer's farm. Mm.

We arrive at 9:00 on Christmas morning,

and by 10 we're sitting down

to a big pancake breakfast and syrup.

At 11:00 we open the Christmas presents,

and then at 1:30 we all go out for a walk.

By 2:30 everybody's ready for a nap.

Sounds like fun. Mm-hm.

Good morning.

Morning, captain. Good morning, sir.

Well, we nap for about an hour or so,

and then at 3:30, Bob... That's my brother

he takes the kids to visit the neighbors.

Then, at 6:15, my Aunt Lillian brings out

a big Christmas goose,

and we eat ourselves right into oblivion.

Then at 8,

we drag ourselves away from the table and...

Go to bed?

No, then we go caroling door to door.

Then you go to bed?

No, then we burn the traditional...

You see, sir, we're all feeling

a little homesick about

having to spend Christmas aboard.

Really?

I've never done anything else.

Oh, but, sir, wouldn't you rather

spend Christmas with your family than at sea?

Miss McCoy... as you know, I'm divorced.

My family consists of my father

and his new wife, and they live in Florida.

So as far as I'm concerned,

Christmas is just another working day.

And speaking of work... Ah. Ah, yes, sir.

Right. I gotta see some people right now.

Sir? Hm?

Um...

I know that we don't normally exchange presents,

but I was thinking that seeing as how... ( sighs )

we're gonna be at sea on Christmas day, we...

Mr. Smith, a rule is a rule.

No presents.

Aye, aye, sir.

Scrooge lives.

( horn blaring )

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our annual

three-day Christmas voyage to Ensenada.

Bon voyage and merry Christmas.

( people chattering )

JULIE: Hello. Welcome aboard.

Hey. Julie. Look at those two.

Five bucks says they're not married.

Oh, no way. They're newlyweds.

Oh, please. Lovers. Bet?

Bet.

Oh, darling, this is wonderful.

I'm so glad you brought me on this cruise.

I'm glad I brought you too.

MAN ( thinking ): If I didn't bring you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye.

It'll be fun.

Just the two of us at sea.

Oh-ho-ho. Yes, it will. Ha, ha.

WOMAN ( thinking ): I'd rather be in a swamp with Idi Amin.

Newlyweds.

Lovers.

Five big ones.

Hi. We're Mr. and Mrs. Baynes.

Well, how do you do? Hi.

Check's in the mail. Huh. Welcome aboard.

This is Assistant Purser Smith

and I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

How do you do? Welcome aboard.

JULIE: I'm sure you'll enjoy our cruise.

( thinking ): A Christmas cruise with her.

♪ 'Tis the season To be seasick ♪

( thinking ): And after Christmas, what?

New Year's Eve. Oh, my God!

I'm gonna have to kiss him again.

And we hope you both have a wonderful time.

Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I guess I was daydreaming.

Uh, you were saying?

Uh, yes, sir. I was saying

that you're in Cabin 344, Promenade Deck.

( laughs )

You'll have to forgive Paul.

He's just so thrilled, he's a little out of it.

( chuckles )

( thinking ): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Out of it?

That's what I want. Out of it!

And don't forget, our gift shop will be open

if you need to buy any last-minute presents.

Thanks.

( thinking ): Ooh, I hope he gives me what I want this Christmas:

A divorce.

And I promise I won't exchange it.

Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Well, now, that's what I call a happily married couple.

I can spot 'em like that.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Honey? Mm?

Relax. ( chuckles )

I can't help it.

I think everyone's staring at me.

Feel like I'm wearing a sign that says ex-con.

You've gotta get that out of your head.

You're not a criminal. You never were.

You were innocent. ( sighs ): Yes.

I know that, you know that.

Too bad the jury didn't know that. Honey.

I can't erase the last three years.

You got a raw deal. But that's behind you now.

Let's make a brand new start on our future, huh?

Okay. Okay.

Oh, purser.

GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Barton.

Ah, welcome aboard.

Now, let's see. Barton.

Uh, Aloha Deck, Cabin 353.

Right through there. Thank you.

Gee, Mr. Barton,

you look like you could use a little sunshine.

Probably working too hard, hm?

( sighs ) ( sighs )

Come on, baby.

Now, okay, guys. Now, settle down. Settle down, huh?

Hi, Julie. Oh, hi.

Welcome aboard, Father Mike. It's good to see you again.

Tony, get off that rail.

I ain't on the rail.

No. But you were thinking about it.

Uh, Julie...

I'd like you to meet Mario, Artie, Ben,

Mitch, Peanut... Hi.

MIKE: and Tony.

Hello.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

First one of 'em that, uh, gives you any lip,

throw 'em over the side. ( laughs )

Well, you guys have fun.

Okay, guys. L-let's get going, huh?

Now, n-no running, no pushing, no shoving.

And no fighting.

Can we breathe?

Let me think about it.

( Julie laughs )

Was that Father Mike?

Yes, sir. He brought six kids with him this year.

Oh, well, I hope they behave themselves.

Well, sir, they're kids. They're supposed to have fun.

That's the whole idea

of bringing these orphans on a holiday.

Mm-hm. Just keep them off the bridge.

Yes, sir.

Oh, did you know that some guy

pays for a bunch of these kids every year,

and nobody knows who it is?

Swell.

Well, sir, did you ever ask Father Mike

who puts up the money?

Obviously, somebody with more dollars than sense.

( chuckles )

Well, Merry Christmas to you too, sir.

Mm.

( horn blaring )

( cheering, chattering excitedly )

( upbeat theme playing )

Yeah!

( horn blaring )

Honey?

DAN: Mm?

Would you like to have dinner in the cabin tonight?

It's a lot... cozier than the dining room.

It's okay.

I'm ready to be with people.

( sighs )

Right now I'm the only people I want you to be with.

I never deserved you, Lila.

Tsk.

Now even less than before.

( sighs )

( chuckles ): Honey...

everything's gonna be all right.

When we get back home, you can make a brand new start.

Sure.

What'll I do?

I'm a lawyer, Lila.

A lawyer who can't practice law.

You'll find something.

Yeah, maybe I'll just...

answer every ad I see

for a convicted embezzler.

( mellow theme playing )

Hi, Merrill.

Hello. Hi, Father Mike.

How're the kids?

Oh, they're getting ready for dinner.

I only had to break up

one water fight and one soap fight. Hm.

Well, at least they'll come to dinner clean.

You're good with kids.

They're just short people.

Maybe that's why you're a priest and...

I'm a captain.

Tsk. I understand the sea.

People... ( scoffs )

Something on your mind?

Me? No.

( inhales )

It's nothing.

Nothing can, uh, weigh a ton, can't it?

Well, it's just so silly.

I mean, here I am, on a ship full of people and...

And you're lonely.

Yeah.

And it's Christmas and...

that's blowing it all out of proportion.

I told you it was silly.

You know, that's what steams me about Christmas.

It's supposed to bring people closer.

So often it... isolates them.

Look, Merrill, you must have...

friends on the crew.

At best... they tolerate me.

Oh.

You're not only lonely,

you're, uh... feeling sorry for yourself too.

Hey. You don't pussyfoot around, do you?

Part of my charm.

Mike...

I wanna be friendly with my crew, but I'm the captain.

I mean, I... I can't be

their friend and lead them too.

Really?

Well, I don't know, I've...

I heard of this leader once

who was a friend to everyone.

Well, he had this technique he used that...

really helped him to get close to his crew.

As I remember, it was something like, uh...

love thy neighbor as thyself.

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

Worked so well for him,

they, uh, celebrate his birthday every year.

Right about now.

Yeah.

But how do I make that work for me?

Well, Merrill, your crew does more than

just run this ship.

They have all sorts of interests.

Find out about them.

Uh, get involved.

And do you know what the result will be?

They'll celebrate my birthday every year?

Right about now?

( chuckles )

Only if you were born in December.

( chuckles )

( slow, upbeat theme playing )

( piano playing, people chattering )

Are you sure you wouldn't like a little wine, dear?

Are you silly?

You know I can't stand the taste of alcohol.

I'll just stick with my iced tea.

( sighs )

Well... here's to us.

To us.

( thinking ): How can I ask the poor woman for a divorce?

It would break her heart.

She's so much in love with me.

( thinking ): Look how he's looking at me.

Like a lovesick puppy.

How can I tell a guy like that to kiss off?

( thinking ): If I could only get her to hate me.

Naw. That's impossible.

I'm too perfect.

( thinking ): It's my own fault.

I've made life too pleasant for him.

What are you looking for?

( sighs ): Oh, n... Nothing. Nothing.

Honey, you know someone you ought to call

when we get back home?

Walter Perry.

( sighs )

Look, darling, let's... Let's just forget about all that.

Why, he was more than just your law partner,

he was your friend.

He never asked for a cent when he defended you.

Oh, I know that.

And he was very good to me while you were away.

He used to call all the time

and see if I needed any money or anything.

Believe me...

Walter Perry is a good friend of yours.

( sighs ) ( glass clinks )

I've gotta get some air.

I'll go with you.

No, uh, I...

I have some things to think about.

I understand.

Yeah. I'll, uh...

I'll be back in five minutes.

Take ten.

Hey, man. ( sighs )

( claps hands ) What's happening?

Excuse me, sir,

I was just on my way up to the lounge.

Oh, well... Well... I-I... I can dig that.

Uh, you have to split. That's cool, that's cool.

Uh, well, I'll, uh, lay some words on you later.

Gimme five.

Sir, is your malaria acting up again?

Listen, I'll go to your quarters

and get your pills for you.

( sighs )

Being a pal isn't gonna be easy.

( mellow theme playing )

Excuse me.

I wonder if it's possible for me to cash a traveler's check?

Oh, yes, sir.

I see you didn't leave home without them.

( chuckles )

Uh... Walter Perry.

Okay.

Uh, $50 bill okay?

WALTER: It's fine.

There you go. Thank you.

( dramatic theme playing )

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't shake your Christmas present.

I don't want you to spoil the surprise.

Ha-ha.

( thinking ): Surprise?

I'll bet it's gonna be another one of those blue ties.

What can it be this year, darling?

( laughs ): Oh, no, I'm not telling.

( thinking ): I was gonna get you a monogrammed shirt,

but I forgot your name.

Don't peek at your present while I'm in there, okay?

Oh, no. Ha-ha.

( thinking ): Another bottle of that cheap perfume:

Oriental Wind.

The only perfume that comes with a bowl of rice.

Well... here it comes.

( Paul gargling loudly )

And now.

( loudly blowing nose )

A little louder, they'd abandon ship.

( blowing nose loudly )

It's all yours, darling.

Ha-ha. Thanks, sweetheart.

Ha-ha.

( door closes )

( thinking ): But please, just this once, don't sing.

AUDREY: ♪ Mi, mi, mi, Mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

♪ Mi-i-i-i-i-i-i ♪

If we weren't at sea, a moose would answer.

Don't look.

You know what she's gonna look like.

( door opens )

( yawns )

I told you not to look.

I can't take any more of this.

But she's got to be the one to ask for the divorce.

Why should I be the heavy?

( thinking ): Oh. I've got to do something so terrible,

he'll beg me for a divorce.

But what?

I mean, he even likes my singing.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, darling.

( mellow theme playing )

( "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" instrumental playing over PA)

( clears throat )

Oh, captain!

Well, you see, I just had a few minutes

and I thought I'd do a little needlepoint, but,

well, I can see my two minutes are up, and I'd better go.

Ah. It's very pretty.

Well... thank you.

Mm-hm.

You know, a lot of men do needlepoint. Mm-hm.

Even football players. Mm-hm.

Do you think that maybe you could, uh,

teach me how to do it?

Uh... sure, sir.

Uh, some other time.

Well, what about now?

Okay.

Um...

( clears throat ) Well, you see,

you take the needle

and you put it in this hole... Mm-hm.

And then bring it down... through here...

and down like that.

I see.

And that's a stitch.

Uh, thank you.

Um...

Like this?

Perfect.

( laughs )

Well, look, why don't I, uh, get a kit and, uh,

maybe you and I can work on it together.

Uh... here. Take mine.

You know, to tell you the truth, needlepoint bores me stiff.

Gotta go.

( sighs ) Merrill.

You're supposed to get involved with your crew.

Not stand around doing needlepoint.

( mellow theme playing )

( "The First Noel" instrumental playing over PA )

( grunts )

Oh, uh... I already have a drink.

Well, you can't have too many.

That looks delicious. Mm-hm.

Can you make some more of those?

As many as you like.

As long as you promise not to drive back to your cabin.

We'll take a cab.

( chuckles )

Thanks.

Here you go, sir.

Guaranteed to bring on a smile.

Thanks. Keep the change.

Hm. See? I told you it was guaranteed.

Sure you won't have one?

( register rings )

Hello, Walt.

Dan, I, uh...

I, uh... At a loss for words, counselor?

I never thought I'd see the day.

Huh. Well, no.

It's just that I, uh...

Oh, I thought that you were still in, uh...

In prison.

No, you see, I was paroled last week.

You know, uh,

good behavior, that sort a thing.

Walt?

Lila! For heaven's sake.

( laughs )

We were just talking about you last night.

Really? ( laughs )

( laughs dryly )

Well, I just can't get over this.

It, it... It's great. It's just great.

Yes, it's great.

( sighs )

Well, we're gonna have a lot to talk about, huh?

Gee. Unfortunately, I...

I made an appointment with the barber.

And you know how they are if you keep 'em waiting.

( makes chopping sound ) No sideburns.

( laughs )

But, uh, look, promise me that we'll get together later, okay?

Promise? Hm?

( crumples up paper ) Gee, this is...

really a surprise.

Fantastic!

( exhales )

He acted a little strange, didn't he?

Well, Perry's a strange guy.

It's not everybody that would let his supposed best friend

go to jail for a crime he committed.

Walt?

Yes, Walt. Oh, no.

Lila, I had three years to think about it.

I went over every detail of that trial,

night after night.

I memorized the transcript.

It always ended up to just one name:

good old Walt Perry.

( "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" instrumental playing over PA )

Dan, you can't be sure.

I wasn't... until now.

I had to see him face to face.

I had to see it in his eyes.

Now I know.

And he knows I know.

How much is this one?

Forty-eight dollars.

Oh, way too expensive.

Thanks anyway. Mm-hm.

Now, you're the kind of woman I should've married.

I beg your pardon?

Well, my last wife

never asked the price of anything.

Is that why you divorced her?

It was either the divorce courts or the bankruptcy courts.

Oh. So she spent you into divorce.

Let me put it this way.

If she didn't show up at Tiffany's once a week,

they'd send her a get-well card.

Oh. Well, thanks for the tip.

I mean, the warning.

Miss, do you sell jewelry?

What kind?

Expensive.

I just can't get over it, Claire. You look fantastic.

Well, I should.

I just lost 160 pounds.

I divorced George.

WOMAN: You divorced George?

Why?

CLAIRE: Tsk. The things he did.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, you can tell me.

No, I can't.

( thinking ): For Pete's sake, tell her.

All right, I'll tell you.

Thanks.

Every time we went out,

he would embarrass me.

He'd have a couple of drinks

and he thought he was the life of the party.

It was like being married to The Gong Show.

Did George drink too much?

CLAIRE: Judge for yourself.

At my uncle's funeral,

he wore a black lampshade.

( elevator dings )

Honey, don't ever marry a man who drinks.

( playful theme playing )

Say, pal, could you tell me the way to the nearest bar?

Thanks.

Oh, no, Doc, up a little higher.

Oh, higher? Little higher, yeah.

Okay? Now... No, to the right.

Right? The right, doc.

How's that? Okay?

Uh, no. No, more to the right.

Down two needles. To the left.

No.

No, no, more to the left, Doc.

I don't know. Something's off-center.

You're off-center.

I know what it is.

We forgot to hang an angel on the tree.

How about a purser?

Man does not appreciate art.

Uh... Father, you know a lot of jokes.

Well, I... I don't think Vegas is ready for me, Merrill.

No, no, no, no. We...

You know that my crew is always

telling jokes, and I thought

that, uh, if there was a joke that I could come up with, uh...

Oh, I... I get it.

Well, let's see. Um...

Oh, well, the bishop told me a couple a great ones.

Uh, but I don't think your crew speaks Latin.

How about this?

This Martian comes down from space,

and he lands right in

the middle of the desert, next to this beat-up old saloon.

Heh.

Well, he goes in, and the first thing he sees

is the pinball machine.

Well, the lights are flashing

and the bells are ringing like crazy.

So the Martian goes over to it, and he says,

"Hey, sweetheart, what's a pretty girl like you

doing in a place like this?"

( laughs )

( laughs uncomfortably )

Funny.

Yeah, well, it was even funnier in Latin.

All right.

I'll try it.

Okay, guys.

Time to get down to some serious business here.

Who's gonna be Santa Claus tonight?

Oh, well, I don't think there's anything to decide.

It is my turn.

You?

A woman can't be Santa Claus.

Well, why not?

I thought this was supposed to be

an equal-opportunity holiday.

Okay. Lay a "ho-ho-ho" on us.

Okay. ( clears throat )

( high-pitched ): Ho-ho-ho!

Heh-heh.

No. The world's not ready for a soprano Santa Claus.

Well, it's, uh,

coming along very well, guys.

( chuckles )

Which reminds me of this great joke.

Uh... it's Christmastime

one year, and, uh, this Martian

lands in the desert, and he goes up to this old bar.

It's, uh... It's really, uh, beat-up, you know?

And, uh, the first thing he sees

is a pinball machine,

and he goes over and... Well, the lights were flashing,

the bells were going and everything. And...

Well, he says to it... He says, uh... Now get this.

( chuckling ): He says, "Hi, sweetheart, what's a pinball machine doing

in a nice place like this?"

( claps hands, chuckles )

( "O Christmas Tree" instrumental playing over PA )

( clears throat awkwardly )

Well... it was even funnier in Latin. Ha.

Okay, let's get back to reality.

Who's gonna play Santa Claus?

GOPHER: Me.

I'm the perfect Santa.

I own the Santa suit, so, uh... I'm Santa.

( giggles )

Good luck, sir.

Well, uh... ( clears throat )

how am I doing?

Merrill...

uh, there are ways of joining in...

( sighs ) and ways of joining in.

( playful theme playing )

That bad, huh?

Worse.

( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

( clears throat )

( "White Christmas" instrumental playing over PA )

( people chattering )

No. Don't take it all.

Yes. Okay, well, merry Christmas, group.

Merry Christmas.

All right.

Mm.

Hoo-hoo, Isaac, what's in this?

Uh, fruit juice and rum.

It's made from an old secret recipe.

What's the secret?

Leave out the fruit juice.

( all chuckle )

( deep voice ): I'll have a refill.

Oh, uh... sure, Gopher.

Fruit juice.

Back to the drawing board.

Dan?

Hm?

Honey, it's Christmas Eve.

Just for tonight, let's forget about Walter Perry,

and, heh, the world and everything.

Let's make this the best Christmas Eve ever.

All right?

( romantic theme playing )

( sighs )

Sure beats electric trains.

Hey.

Do you want to exchange gifts now?

If we do, we'll never make that party.

( chuckles ): Oh. Hm. Come on.

Okay. Let's go.

Oh. I can get you a handkerchief for your face.

Oh, wait, I'll get it.

Oh, it's all right.

( tense theme playing )

Dan...

Oh, my God. No.

Dan.

You knew Walter Perry was gonna be on board, didn't you?

You came here for revenge.

Tsk. Now look, Lila... ( sighs )

this is my business.

Your business?

What about me?

You weren't the only one in jail for three years.

I was in a prison of my own.

What do you think my life was like without you?

Dan...

if you love me, don't do this.

You know I love you.

If you kill him, you kill us.

Please, Dan.

( dramatic theme playing )

( puts gun down )

( light jazz playing )

Isaac... remove this dead soldier

and open me a new recruit.

Sure.

Uh, Mr. Baynes,

I thought you said you were a teetotaler.

Me?

I must have been drunk when I said it.

Isaac... what color lampshade

goes with this outfit I'm wearing?

I don't know. What color are your socks?

Audrey, is... Is that you?

Never mind me.

Since when did you start drinking?

I can't remember.

I'm drinking to forget.

How much have you had?

Plenty!

Say, what's all this gonna cost?

Plenty.

Boy, I hope I'm seeing double.

You're going to be seeing triple when we get to the room,

because I have a whole lot of new stuff down there.

Do you expect me to pay for this?

You got it, ace.

Uh... dear... ( closes purse )

isn't there something you forgot to ask me for?

It starts with a D.

Yeah, you wanna dance?

( claps hands )

Something you wanna ask me?

Yes.

Get off my foot.

More punch?

Yeah. But this time, uh,

tell him to put a little fruit juice in it.

Okay.

You're complaining to me about a bad bridge partner?

Mm-hm.

( laughs ) You're lucky.

You know, I once had a law partner.

He stole every penny the firm had.

Of course, he went to prison.

Oh. Well, at least he had to pay for it.

Heh. Yeah. He paid.

Hm.

So where's Santa?

He's supposed to be here by now.

Well, maybe his reindeer are having a little trouble

with their radar equipment.

And that Blitzen is a lousy navigator.

STUBING: Ho-ho-ho!

No-no-no.

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Santa.

Ho-ho-ho! ( cattering )

BRICKER: I've never seen the captain look better.

Ho-ho-ho! Who writes his dialogue?

Well, now, let's see

what Santa has in his bag tonight.

Uh. Let's see. Well, yes.

There's something for Mario.

( laughs ) Thanks.

Uh... something for... Artie. Yes.

Uh... Let's see.

And... And Ben.

( chuckles )

Let's see what we have here.

Oh, yes. For Mitch.

Yeah.

And... for Peanut.

What's your real name, Peanut?

Shorty.

Right! I'll bet it's a baseball mitt.

( chuckles )

Well... What about me?

Oh. Uh.

Eh, uh, you're, uh...?

Tony.

Tony. That's right.

Yes. Well, now... let's see... Tony, what...

Oh. Uh...

Let's, uh... Oh, uh... Oh, Tony, it, uh...

seems that Santa is, uh...

short one present.

Uh... Uh...

It's back at the North Pole. That's where your present is.

Now, look, I'll run back, I'll get it,

and, uh, I'll have it in your cabin

first thing in the morning.

Tony...

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

Oh, no. Poor Captain Stubing.

( mellow theme playing )

San Quentin never had a view like that, Walt.

Dan, my boy.

Well, I've been looking all over for you.

Really? Out in the ocean?

Ha. Hey, you always were a great kidder.

Heh-heh.

I'm not kidding now, Walt.

Hey, wait a minute.

( tense theme playing )

Hey, don't do anything foolish.

I've already done something foolish.

I served three years in prison

for something you did, buddy.

PERRY: I don't want...

Dan, you've got... You've gotta believe me.

I-I didn't want it to happen.

It wasn't my fault.

( stammers )

I-I took the money, I admit it.

I was in trouble in the market. It was serious trouble.

And I really needed that money desperately.

So you set me up.

No, I swear, I didn't.

Oh, look, Dan, I-I never thought that you'd be convicted.

I-I always thought I could win you an acquittal,

and that way no one would be hurt.

Somebody was hurt, Walt. ( whimpering )

Dan... please...

Please...

( people, in distance ): ♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin Mother ♪

♪ And child ♪

♪ Holy Infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪

Merry Christmas.

Dan.

( sighs )

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

( chuckles ) Good night, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

( crowd chattering )

PEANUT: Good night, Isaac.

Bye.

Merry Christmas.

Father, did you find Tony yet?

Not yet.

Oh. Well, we'll help you look for him.

Okay? Yeah. Thanks.

( mellow theme playing )

Tony?

Where are you?

( click )

Tony?

Go away. You blew it.

Yes. Yes, I did.

I apologize.

Come here.

This is for you.

Honest?

Mm-hm. Gee, thanks.

It's the football I asked for, isn't it?

Uh, no.

No, I'm sorry. It's not. Uh...

It's a sextant.

It's, uh, an instrument they used

to navigate the ship.

Oh.

It belonged to the captain...

and his father before him.

See?

You put that in there.

By holding it up to the stars...

they could always...

tell where they were going.

The captain used it in the Second World War.

I know it's kind of beat-up,

but... this sextant means a lot to him.

He wants you to have it.

I'm sorry it's not what you asked for.

( sighs )

Sometimes we don't get what we want for Christmas.

I know.

I used to ask for parents, but I never got 'em.

Well, that's a...

big order for Santa to fill.

It don't matter. I don't need a family.

I got a real big one with Father Mike and the guys.

Yeah.

It's neat.

Wait till I show the guys.

Thanks, captain.

I mean, Santa.

We're home.

You can take off your lampshade now.

Is that all you bought?

Why didn't you fill the whole room?

I couldn't. Your credit card broke.

Ha.

That means I'll have to pay cash now for my lampshades.

( mocking laugh ) This is just the start.

Because I'm gonna buy all new furniture for the living room.

Then I'll buy matching whoopee cushions.

And a brand new Rolls Royce.

Okay, then every morning

I'll go down to the office in a clown suit.

( laughs )

( laughs )

You know something?

No, what?

You're funny.

You know something?

You're very beautiful.

Aw. Put on your lampshade

and give me a kiss.

( mellow theme playing )

( sighs )

( sighs )

ALL: Merry Christmas, captain!

( all laughing )

What? What is this?

Well, frankly, captain, we were feeling

kind of sorry for ourselves.

JULIE: Oh, you know, sir.

I mean, it's fun to spend Christmas with the passengers,

but...

it's not the same as spending it with your family.

BRICKER: And then we got to thinking,

well, we don't just have one family...

we've got two.

GOPHER: And...

well, you're not just the captain to us, sir.

You're the head of the family.

Our family.

And why shouldn't our family

spend Christmas together?

( sweet theme playing )

You see, uh...

sometimes we try too hard to, uh...

get what we've had all along.

( sneezes )

Oh, you...

Think that I'm allergic to this beard.

I want to say something to all of you.

I'm proud... to have you on my crew.

I'm even prouder...

to count you among my friends.

Oh, this darn beard.

Sir. It's for you.

It's from all of us.

Well, I, uh... I-I thought we had a rule

that we'd never exchange Christmas presents.

Well, sir, we thought just this once.

A rule is a rule, Mr. Smith.

But sometimes... rules were made...

to be broken.

( all laugh )

Merry Christmas!

Why, thank you, sir.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, sir.

( tender theme playing )

AUDREY: ♪ The first "Noel" The angels did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds In fields as they lay ♪

♪ In fields as they Lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night That was so deep ♪

Come on, everybody.

ALL: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪

( applause, chatter )

Very beautiful, Mrs. Baynes.

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

I can taste that turkey already.

BRICKER: Didn't you tell him?

Oh, the captain said there might be

some rain, and he wondered

if you'd mind going topside

and changing the regular flags

for the rubber flags.

( light music playing over PA )

Oh.

Rubber flags?

( all laughing ) Ah. Look here.

Good evening.

( "O Little Town of Bethlehem" instrumental playing over PA )

There's the captain's table over there.

Dan.

Get lost, Perry.

I've gotta talk to you.

Honey... It's all right, sweetheart.

Now, look, you've done everything you can do.

Now just stay away from me.

Keep out of my life.

Dan, listen.

You gave me a gift last night: my life.

Now I wanna give you something in return.

I, uh...

I contacted the police in Los Angeles.

When we get back, I'm gonna turn myself in...

make a full confession.

And, uh...

I also wrote to the State Bar Commission.

You'll be practicing law again very soon.

( sighs )

Walt, thank you.

Merry Christmas, Dan.

Merry Christmas.

( captain laughing ) Oh.

( people chattering )

Good evening.

Good evening. Merry Christmas. Good evening.

Hi. Good evening.

Beautiful dress.

Thank you.

It's a beautiful table.

It's a beautiful life.

Father Lewicki, some of the guys

collected some stuff

you might like at the orphanage.

Uh, sports equipment,

uh, books, stuff like that.

All right! All right.

Wow.

Oh, we'd love it. Thanks.

Well, where do we send it, Father?

Give it to the captain.

He can bring it when he comes next time.

Captain Stubing?

Yes. He comes every month.

No. No, he... He-he must have me confused

with some other captain.

You're crazy.

You took us to the ball game last month.

Uh, captain, you wouldn't have anything to do

with that mysterious man who's been sending these kids

on a cruise every year, would you?

You know, the one with "more dollars than sense"?

Tsk. Bah, humbug!

Come on, let's eat ourselves a turkey.

( laughs )

( "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey. Thank you for a wonderful trip.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'll say one thing for you, Mr. Barton.

You sure seem a lot happier than when you came aboard.

You bet I am.

You know what today is?

Yes, sir. Monday.

Nope.

Today is the first day... ( chuckles )

of the rest of my life.

Aw. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

AUDREY: Oh, darling, I'm so happy.

Me too.

I've got a confession to make.

When I came on this cruise, I...

I was hoping you'd ask me for a divorce.

Really?

Well, I has hoping the same thing.

You're kidding?

This cruise really changed us.

Yes.

We're two completely different people now.

( warbles loudly )

( blows nose loudly )

( both laugh )

Oh, I love you.

( sings ) ( laughing )

Thanks for everything, captain. Mm-hm.

We had a good time.

Here. From us kids.

Thanks for, uh, the trip.

Champagne?

Now, how did you kids

get your hands on this bottle of champagne?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

( mouths ): Oh.

Let's go, you guys.

BRICKER: I guess that's Will on the bottom and Wayne on top.

( upbeat theme playing )