Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

What's all this stuff?

Well, maybe Sammy Davis is coming onboard,

and he sent his jewelry on ahead.

Oh, Isaac. All that stuff belongs to the new chef.

Well, what happened to the regular chef?

He's in the hospital.

You think it was something he ate?

No, he's got appendicitis. Oh.

Gee, I hope everything comes out all right.

( whimsical upbeat theme playing )

Borga.

Uh, Borga. Borga.

JULIE: Borga.

Chef Borga.

Oh, Chef Borga.

Well, welcome aboard.

I'm your cruise director, Miss McCoy.

Miss McCoy.

( clicking tongue )

No wonder you're not married.

I beg your pardon? Too skinny.

Men want women with something to hold onto.

But don't worry,

a little fettuccine, a little ravioli,

il poco di linguine. Mmm.

We'll have ten pounds on you by Mazatlán.

Fifteen by Puerto Vallarta.

By Acapulco, you could be the anchor.

Well, uh, I'm sure, chef,

that you'll just have a very pleasant cruise here.

We have a beautiful ship and a very cooperative crew.

And a jackass for a captain.

What did you say?

He said we have a jackass... I heard what he said.

Don't tell me I'm stuck with you for an entire cruise.

You're stuck?

Ha! This peasant put ketchup on my bouillabaisse.

It didn't help.

You have the taste buds of a goat.

Before we sail,

run out and get me a TV dinner.

Make that plural, TV dinners.

( playful theme playing )

( shouting in Italian )

What did he say?

Well, I only speak a little Italian,

but I think he said, "Have a nice day."

( both laughing )

( horn blows )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hello. Hello.

Well, look who's here.

If it isn't Mr. Travel himself.

Hello, Jeff, how are you?

Hiya, gorgeous. Oh, thank you.

What's this? Another free traveling junket?

Just the line of duty, Julie.

Boy, I envy you guys. Free cruises all the time.

I envy me too.

It's just a job, Gopher.

I'm putting together another holiday package

for one of the airlines. Believe me,

the thrill wore off a long time ago.

Well, see you guys.

Bye.

Mm. Gee, what's with him?

He used to be such a live wire.

I don't know. I heard he broke up with his wife.

Hmm.

What do you mean, hmm?

Just, hmm.

Well, was it a "Gee, that's too bad" hmm,

or a "Maybe there's hope for me" hmm, hmm?

Gopher, get lost.

Get lost. Hmm.

Hmm.

I wouldn't miss your column, neither would my sister.

That's right.

First thing we turn to in the morning newspaper

is "Dear Beverly."

Even before the obituaries.

Oh, that's very nice, thank you.

And, your afternoon TV show is wonderful.

Heh. Thank you. Thank you very much.

You know, you're even more beautiful in person.

Why, that's very kind of you.

Nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you.

I'm sorry, ladies, but I really must get Mrs. Blanchard

checked into her cabin.

But we have a terrible family problem.

We have an uncle who refuses to bathe.

Oh?

Is he with you?

No.

Good.

GOPHER: Ladies,

Mrs. Blanchard will be glad to answer all your questions

in her lecture on Sunday.

This is a new one, ring around the family.

Uh, purser.

Sir, I'm sorry,

Mrs. Blanchard has been waiting for her cabin number.

I'm Mr. Blanchard.

Oh. Well, gosh, I didn't know there was a Mr. Blanchard.

You're not alone.

Come on, darling.

Oh, well, let's... Now, let's see.

Okay, cabin 342, Promenade Deck.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

You bet.

Listen, if you need any advice...

I mean, if you have any problems...

Have a wonderful cruise.

( speaks indistinctly )

Can I help you?

I'm Adam Bricker, the ship's doctor.

Oh, thanks, but I'm fine. We're both fine.

All we need is a place to lay our heads.

Well, I-I wasn't speaking medically.

But if you'll give me your name,

I'll give you your cabin number.

Oh, I see. Gail Smith.

Uh, Smith. Gail Smith.

That'll be P206, right up those stairs.

I hope you and Mr. Smith have a pleasant trip.

Thanks, but there is no Mr. Smith.

Well, if you get right down to it,

there are probably thousands of Mr. Smiths,

but there isn't one traveling with me.

Then I think all those Mr. Smiths

are making a big mistake.

Not in the case of my Mr. Smith.

I'm afraid it was me who made the mistake.

( horn blows )

( upbeat theme playing )

( all shouting, cheering )

( horn blows )

Darling, it's going to be fun.

We'll have a lovely vacation.

Yep. Yep, sure.

Oh, no, come on. Don't be so grouchy.

Look at this lovely suite, and this beautiful ship.

Come on, let's enjoy it.

I'd enjoy it a lot more if I was paying for it.

I don't enjoy, uh, freeloading on my wife's name.

Now, isn't this silly?

Now, why shouldn't we take this free cruise?

All I have to do is give a little lecture.

Because I can afford to pay for a vacation,

take you someplace where we could be alone,

without all these people around.

And you wouldn't have to do work, either.

Oh, darling, it isn't work. I love it.

And I love you.

( both chuckle )

Well, if you love your work that much...

Dear Beverly, uh,

I have a big problem I think you can solve.

I would like to make mad... ( growling )

Mad, passionate love to my wife.

Signed, Panting on the Princess.

Oh, dear Panting,

I'd love to give your problem my personal attention.

Mm.

But it's very difficult to make love

while you are typing.

W-what typing?

Oh, darling, I'm sorry.

I'd love you to make passionate love to me,

but I still have to finish that column.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Oh, that's great.

Darling, it won't take long. I promise.

And don't make it more difficult for me by looking so sexy.

Oh, ho, ho. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go up on deck, and I'll be there in a moment?

Oh, please, darling, don't make me feel guilty.

Well, it's either a shower or a walk.

( chuckles )

I'll walk.

Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, dear.

"Dear Beverly, my son is a 250-pound fullback

"on his college football team,

"but the other day when I came home,

"I found him wearing one of my dresses.

What shall I do?"

Go on a diet.

( upbeat theme playing )

( smooth jazz music playing )

Oh, thank you, Lance.

May I have the ketchup, please?

Thank you.

( muttering )

I'm certainly glad you finished that column.

Oh, so am I, darling.

I'm all yours now.

Oh, excuse me, are you waiting to be seated?

Yes, they had us at a table for two,

but we wanted a larger table so we could meet more people.

Aren't you Dear Beverly?

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it. It happens all the time.

Yes, I'm Beverly Blanchard,

and this is my husband, Russ. Hello.

And, you know, I really understand your problem.

It's very important to meet new people,

and sometimes it's terribly difficult.

Well, if Dear Beverly can't help us, nobody can.

Darling, I know this was going to be our evening,

but they are such nice people.

Do you mind?

Heh. Sure.

Then it's all settled.

We are your first new people.

Oh.

Go ahead.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, that's a nice couple.

So when are you getting your divorce?

Bum.

You think they're trying to tell us something?

( PA beeps )

BORGA ( on PA ): The late sitting of dinner

is now being served in the Coral Dining Room.

Bon appetito.

You ready for dinner?

Well, uh,

I'd rather hang out in the moonlight with you.

Mm.

Jeff, we've known each other a long time.

How come all of a sudden?

Well, uh,

I guess I've been too busy messing up my life.

First I loused up my marriage,

and then I was living with someone for a while.

That didn't work.

Maybe this time, I'll get lucky.

Um, what is it, Jeff?

Why do I feel like your heart isn't in this?

What are you talking about?

You're a fantastic girl.

I've always thought you were beautiful and sensitive.

I think you're great.

This isn't gonna work, is it?

Nope.

Hmm. ( sighs )

Is it your wife?

Yep.

Still hung up on Gail.

Evening, Doc. Hello. Hi.

Gail, I'd like you to meet Gopher Smith,

our assistant purser.

Hi. BRICKER: Hey, how about that?

You both have the same name.

Gee, I've been called many things, but never Gail.

Heh. I've been called many things, but never Gopher.

Ah, you both have the same sense of humor: terrible.

Hey, look out, Doc,

a lot more Smiths in the world than Brickers, you know.

And our numbers are increasing.

Congratulations.

Uh, may I join you?

Please do. Of course.

Thank you.

So, what are you gonna call the baby?

Oh, I don't know.

I like the old-fashioned names, like Johnny.

As in Walker.

Or Jack.

As in Daniels.

How about Jim?

( low voice ): As in Beam.

Nobody would ever guess he's a bartender.

Gail Smith, Isaac Washington.

ISAAC: How do you do? Hi.

Listen, how about the name "Cleophus"?

( snickering )

ISAAC: Now, that's a nice name.

( clears throat )

Henry?

I got it.

How about Jeff?

Jeff Smith?

I like it.

Would you excuse me?

Gail?

Wait a minute.

Gee, wish I'd said Harvey.

As in Wallbanger.

( gentle upbeat theme playing )

( sobbing )

Can I help?

Oh, Doc.

Hey, hey, it's okay.

I'm sorry.

Being around me is like not having to take a shower.

It's okay. I'll save on soap.

What happened in there?

Well, Jeff Smith is my husband's name.

Except, in two weeks from now, he'll be my ex.husband.

Now, I thought that would make me very happy, but, uh,

a funny thing happened on the way to the divorce.

Found out I'm still in love with him.

How does a man divorce the lady who's carrying his child?

He doesn't know about it.

You see, he walked out on me before I found out, and I'm...

I'm not gonna use the baby to try and get him back.

But surely, he has the right to know.

Well, I tried to reach him.

I was gonna sort of sound him out

and see if we... But a woman answered.

He's living with somebody else.

Here. Try this one.

It's dry.

Oh, Doc.

( upbeat theme playing )

Darling, I'm sorry I neglected you,

but I thought I'd sneak in a couple of hours on my book.

Your book? Uh-huh.

First the column, now a book? What am I doing here?

You could have brought my picture.

Oh, Russ, don't spoil things.

Do you have any idea how long it's been

since we've been away on a holiday?

Yeah, I was 7, you were 4.

Oh, I didn't know it was that recent.

( both laughing )

Oh, darling, I do love to be away with you.

Well, I like hanging out with you too.

Listen, why don't we start the cocktail hour early today?

Are you trying to take advantage

of a poor, defenseless woman?

Exactly.

Good. Mm. Hee-hee.

I'll be a minute.

( sighs )

Then she said yes, and I... Oh... Oh, sure.

Two rum Collins, please.

You got it, sir.

Excuse me. Is that your wife over there?

The Dear Beverly? Yeah.

See?

Oh, yeah?

Hey, man, she is really something else.

She always has the right answer.

That's right. And she just gave me the right answer.

That's way I'm taking a drink to her.

Hey, how about that, man?

Guy left you a three-dollar tip

and forgot to pay for the drinks.

( both chuckle )

When a mother-in-law comes to visit,

how long should she stay?

Well, it depends whether you're home or not.

( laughter )

Uh, you ready for your drink, darling?

In a moment, love.

But why do we always pick on mother-in-laws?

Why don't we pick on father-in-laws?

Or for that matter, why don't we pick on ourselves?

After all, none of us are perfect.

Well, almost none of us.

( all laughing )

( melancholy theme playing )

You have a very popular wife.

( laughs ): Oh, yeah.

( normal voice ): Hey, how would you like the specialty of the house?

Supervised and given the careful attention

of Russ Blanchard himself.

Well, you just made me an offer I can't refuse.

Good.

Now, that's a nice couple.

That's Dear Beverly's husband.

( upbeat theme playing )

What are you doing?

Huh? Ha-ha. You like ketchup?

Swim for it.

Get back to the kitchen, and take this ketchup with you.

I'd rather die.

Don't tempt me.

I don't understand.

I've never had problems like this with any other chef.

I'm not any other chef. I am numero uno.

Ha-ha-ha.

It's not easy creating masterpieces for 600 people.

How would you know?

Look who's talking. Christopher Columbus.

He aims his ship to Mexico,

and then he goes dancing for a week.

Commanding a ship is a tad more complicated

than scrambling eggs.

Scrambling eggs, heh?

You happen to be talking to a man

who performs miracles with eggs.

Mostly, you lay them.

Stupido.

( in Italian )

Italian semaphore.

( playful theme playing )

Alvin, take this below deck, please.

( upbeat theme playing )

Two bars and a lemon.

It's the story of my life. I was born to lose.

Jeff, why are you putting yourself through all this?

If you love your wife so much,

why don't you try to get back together with her?

I blew it, Julie.

I burned my bridges.

I walked out the door, and I moved in with somebody else.

I know Gail. She'll never forgive me for that.

Well, how are you gonna know that for sure

if you don't get in touch with her?

I'm not.

Aren't you gonna try?

Nope.

Well, you're sure trying with that machine.

Yeah. And it keeps coming up lemons too.

( dramatic theme playing )

Do you have a quarter? I want to play a machine.

Oh, sure.

There you go.

Uh, split the winnings?

Of course.

Oh. I won. Look at that. ( bell ringing )

That's incredible. ( coins rattling )

( chuckling )

Uh, Gail, I thought we were gonna split the winnings.

Oh, yeah.

Here's your quarter.

( upbeat theme playing )

( both laughing )

Well, you really get unbelievable letters.

Oh, uh, they usually are from normal, everyday people.

You know, with real problems.

There are some exceptions.

Like, this woman wrote that her husband's secretary

only wears a bra and little panties to the office.

Like that, he saves money on the air conditioning.

( laughing )

And what did you advise her?

Well, I told her to tell her husband

to cool it in the office.

Sorry to be late.

Tell me more.

Well, as the man said,

I got millions of them.

We meet again.

This 40-year-old spinster read a book titled,

Sex After 70,

and she wanted to know if she has to wait until then.

( both laugh )

STUBING ( laughs ): Oh, that's marvelous.

Marvelous.

Well, what would you like to have for dinner?

Oh. Well, let me see.

I think I'll have a steak, very rare, please.

Uh, and a salad.

Oh, dear, my favorite is chocolate soufflé,

but it isn't on the menu.

Oh. Chocolate soufflé?

Your wish is my command. Uh, Gopher. Come here, please.

Uh, would you please tell the chef

that the captain requests a chocolate soufflé for dessert?

Yes, sir. Oh, captain.

I am most impressed.

It was nothing.

Oh, but it is. You're a born leader.

Well... Oh, come on, captain, admit it.

You are the kind of a man who gets what he wants.

Someone has to be boss.

Chef Borga says no way.

Th... Ahem. There has been some misunderstanding.

No, I don't think so, sir.

He used a lot of colorful Italian adjectives and gestures.

Are you familiar with...?

Please excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

This way, please. Excuse me.

( playful theme playing )

Out, out. Out of my kitchen.

Your kitchen is part of my ship,

and I am requesting a chocolate soufflé for dessert.

You want requests, go talk to the bandleader.

I don't have to take this from a short-order cook.

Short-order cook?

Borga?

I demand an apology. Never.

If I don't have an apology in writing in my hand by tomorrow,

this is the last dinner I cook on this ship.

You call this dinner?

Out, or I make mince meat out of you.

Where would you steal the recipe?

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times,

one tomato on each plate.

What's the matter with you.

( all laughing )

My apologies, but the chef ran out of chocolate.

Oh, well, that's perfectly all right.

I really don't need the extra calories,

and Russ doesn't like... Russ?

He left.

He did?

You even said goodbye to him. Don't you remember?

No. Heh-heh.

You know, when I start talking about my work,

I'm in another planet.

Like the other night in New York,

I was signing autographs after my TV show,

and my mother came backstage, and I wrote,

"Happiness always to..."

Then I asked her, "How do you spell your name?"

( all laughing )

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

( humming )

( melancholy theme playing )

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

♪ Will tell on you ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, um, how about a lectern? You know, for your notes?

Oh, I never use notes. It's a crutch.

Right.

Well, listen, Mrs. Blanchard, you just leave everything to me.

I'll have it all set up for you by this afternoon.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

You bet.

That was Dear Beverly you were talking to.

Yeah.

I really like her.

Stick around. She may be available soon.

What's that supposed to mean?

Last night, when I was on deck,

I saw her husband giving kissing lessons

to one of our lady passengers.

You're kidding. Hm. Hm-hm.

Mm, mm-mm.

And he's a good teacher.

What a rotten creep.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Gopher. It's her own fault.

I mean, she's been so busy with everybody else,

she's been leaving him out in the cold.

Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Maybe I ought to tell her.

Butt out.

I mean, it's none of your business.

Yeah, but if I don't tell her,

her marriage may go on the rocks.

But, if I do tell her,

her marriage may go on the rocks.

Maybe I should tell him.

He already knows.

Isaac, I don't know what to do.

Sounds like a problem for Dear Beverly.

Sounds more like Dear Beverly's problem.

( quiet theme playing )

Want to sit for a minute?

Oh, yeah.

Ah.

Beautiful day.

Oh.

( sobbing )

Well, I thought it was a beautiful day.

What's wrong?

My mind's playing tricks on me.

For a moment,

I thought I smelled Jeff's pipe tobacco,

and then the baby kicked.

Oh, Doc, I'm having a terrible time.

You see, I want the baby to know his father,

and he would have if I hadn't been such a damn fool

and pushed Jeff up into the arms of another woman.

Gail, I don't have any more dry shoulders.

You're not solving anything by telling all this to me.

Tell it to him.

You've got a whole jackpot's worth of quarters.

Now, why don't you put some of 'em into a phone.

Maybe I'll hit the jackpot again.

Thanks, Doc.

Uh, Doc?

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing )

So remember, live by the good old golden rule,

and with the price of gold nowadays...

I mean, it's getting more valuable every day.

Heh-heh.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, excuse me. May I get something to drink.

I... my tummy's not feeling very well.

It's something I ate, I guess. Certainly.

Thank you.

Uh, any questions?

Yes?

I'm planning to get married when I graduate next year.

What are some of the most popular honeymoon places?

Well, with me, it was blowing in my ear.

But why don't you ask your travel agent.

I'm sure she has better suggestions.

Thank you.

Any other questions?

Yes?

Oh, no. Never mind.

Yes, Gopher?

Uh, well, this isn't about me.

( chuckles ): Well, that's what they all say.

Go on.

( clears throat )

Well, uh, this, um, friend of mine,

she's very witty and charming and gorgeous.

Um, but she's so wrapped up in her job,

that she never pays any attention to her husband,

and now he's beginning to wander.

And, uh, I don't want to hurt my friend,

but how do I tell her?

Oh, well, don't bother.

If she's so insensitive

that she can't give the time of day to her husband,

then he's right to give the time of night

to someone else. Heh.

( dramatic theme playing )

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I think my time is just about up.

Uh, thank you very much.

Captain, please write the apology.

I'm telling you, he means it.

He's gonna go out on strike

and take the whole kitchen staff with him.

It's absurd. He's bluffing.

What if he's not?

Miss McCoy, I have commanded everything

from destroyer to cruise ship.

I have weathered typhoon, enemy fire.

Believe me, this isn't something I can't handle.

Hey, Julie, you done with that salad yet?

Hey, stop worrying about me

and concentrate on that inferno you're cooking.

What is that? What do I know?

I'm only cooking it. I'm not gonna eat it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

Keep your potato peelings out of my soup, man.

Soup?

I thought this was the garbage.

Listen, Doc, can you help me stir this?

Okay. Just a second.

Okay.

Boy, this soup is really gonna stick to your ribs.

How are you gonna get it out of the pot?

Let me taste that. Excuse me, Mr. Washington, thank you.

Needs ketchup.

Hurry up with those potatoes, Mr. Smith.

Sir, I've already peeled half of Idaho.

How many more do you want?

Just peel the other half of Idaho,

That'll take care of it.

Captain, if anybody needs anything well done, I've got it.

You can't serve that. That's burnt to a crisp.

Captain, pork has to be cooked very, very thoroughly.

That's pork?

That's, uh, filet of sole.

( sighs )

Oh, captain, this whole thing is stupid.

I... Not that I mind,

but it's not fair to the passengers.

Please apologize.

Never.

Thank you, Miss McCoy. Thank you.

Oh.

So, uh, you came to apologize.

Needs ketchup.

Sir, what about your dinner rolls?

Don't worry.

I'll fry them when I get back.

I'm sorry.

But all you people don't have to do this

if it wasn't for your stubborn captain.

All I ask for is an apology, in writing.

Oh.

Ciao.

How are you at forgery?

Hey, a piece of cake.

Cake. What are we gonna do about dessert?

( mellow theme playing )

Here you are, Chef Borga, just what you asked for.

Ah. Ha-ha-ha.

I knew he would apologize.

Stubborn man, that captain,

but at least he knows when he's been defeated.

Then you will return to the kitchen?

Of course. Oh.

A maestro's place is with the orchestra,

not in the audience.

"My sincere apologies, Antonio Borga."

Ha-ha-ha. Didn't I tell ya he'd break first?

I knew he'd crumble once he realized

we could do his job as well as he could.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I didn't know you were working.

I'll be back later. Oh, Russ, come in, darling.

This is a special column I want you to hear.

Uh, sure.

"Dear readers,

"instead of you writing to me today,

"I am writing this letter to you.

"You won't be hearing from me for the next two weeks,

"because I'll be going on a vacation with my husband.

"I don't know where he's going to take me,

"but I'm sure he'll pick a spot where the two of us

"can be blissfully and marvelously alone.

"You kept me very busy for a long time,

"but if I am too busy to spend some time with my husband,

"I... I might lose him,

"and nothing in the world would be worth that.

"Not fame, not fortune, "not anything.

"Yours always, Mrs. Russell Blanchard."

Am I too late?

( chuckles )

I have a life subscription.

I love you, Bev.

That Peggy, uh, she...

Don't confess. Never confess.

It... It just doesn't solve anything.

What, is that advice?

Oh, I'm not going to give any advice for the next two weeks.

Why don't you write to Dear Abby?

( both laughing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( humming )

( giggles )

Ha-ha. Well, I'm glad to see everything is back to normal,

Chef Borga.

Ah. That makes two of us, Captain Stubing.

You know, captain, maybe we should leave.

I'm sure that Chef Borga has a lot of work to do, and...

In a minute, in a minute.

Antonio, I know that I am not the easiest man in the world

to deal with.

Heh. That's true.

And I know I pushed you to your limit.

Ah. But, I want you to know

that I think it was very big of you

to, uh, apologize.

What?

W-what did he say?

I didn't apologize to you. You're the one who backed down.

Me? Mm-hm.

I never wrote that.

I never wrote this.

Then who did?

Beats me.

Uh, maybe we'd better go find out.

Yeah. Captain, you never know,

there might be a forger onboard.

So you never did apologize, eh?

Why should I? I wasn't at fault.

Then what are you doing in my kitchen?

This is my kitchen.

You work for me.

When will you ever get that through your head?

( sighs )

All right.

All right.

( clears throat )

( quietly ): I apologize.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Because of my line,

because of my crew, because of my passengers.

Captain, you are a gentleman.

And because, I happen to be the only captain afloat

with dishpan hands.

( upbeat theme playing )

Come on, Gail.

You can't give up just because of one phone call.

It wasn't just one phone call.

It was a lot of phone calls.

Finally, I called his office,

and they said he'd gone on a trip.

He's probably with her.

Now, wait a minute. Back up.

Look, your husband is a travel agent, right?

Well, is he or isn't he? Yes, he is.

All right, he goes on trips all the time.

And where is it written that he's with anybody? Hm?

You're right. You're right. Mm.

Why am I such a pessimist?

I'm getting to be a real pain in the neck to you.

That's all right, I'm a physician.

I can heal myself.

Cooking is very, very confusing.

But then the captain finally did apologize.

For real.

I couldn't believe it. Heh.

Well, anyway, that's why I haven't been around much

all day. Well, that's okay.

It gave me time to think.

You're absolutely right.

I'm gonna get in touch with Gail,

and tell her that I love her. Oh!

Because I do love her, and there's nothing I want more

than to be with her.

Oh, Jeff, I'm so happy for you.

So I told him if he really expected me to...

Oh, my God. What is it?

Why, that's Jeff, and that must be her.

That's Julie McCoy, our cruise director.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, Doc. What?

I think the baby's coming.

( inaudible )

Okay, put your arm around my neck.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Jeff, what's wrong?

Gail.

My God, why didn't you tell me?

Would you excuse us, please? I'm her husband.

In just a little while, you're gonna be more than a husband,

you're gonna be a father.

Honey, I... I'm scared.

Okay, hold on tight.

I'm gonna pick you up and carry you to my office.

May I, Doc? Please. Okay. Gently.

Honey, I love you. I don't know what happened to us,

but it's not gonna happen again.

Doc, how can I help? Forget it.

I saw you make a salad.

JEFF: Honey.

( Gail panting )

Okay. Bear down.

( Gail gasps )

And I never stopped thinking about you one minute

the whole time we were apart.

Breathe.

I am.

Not you. Her.

I was too proud to say I was wrong.

But I'm not too proud now.

Bear down.

( groans )

Jeff, I have so much to tell you,

but it's gonna have to... To wait.

( panting )

Julie, Julie, listen:

You sit, I'll pace.

Thanks.

What is taking so long?

Don't ask me, I've never had any babies.

Well, don't ask me, I've never had any babies either.

Has Doc ever delivered a baby before?

Listen, listen.

I've never made soup for 600 people before

but it turned out great.

I'll be the judge of that.

We have nothing to worry about.

I'm sure Doc is doing a wonderful job.

Oh, I'm sure he is.

I mean, that's one of the things

that constantly amazes me about Doc.

That he's really a doctor.

He is, isn't he? I mean, it's not a nickname just...?

Well, has my new passenger boarded?

Not yet, sir.

Ah.

Hm.

Well, what's ta...?

What's taking so long?

Has the doc delivered a baby before?

He really is a doctor, isn't he?

Bear down.

Baby's in a good position.

What's taking so long?

Towel.

Okay, one more time now, and I think we've got it.

Okay, bear down a little harder.

Here we go, this is it.

Well, hello, Mr. Smith.

( baby crying )

Mr. Smith?

( laughing ): Oh! Honey, it's a boy!

Oh.

( sighs )

Doc, uh, tell me the truth.

Is this the first baby you ever delivered?

The first? Come on,

I've been delivering babies since medical school, 1962.

This is the second.

( chuckles )

( baby crying )

( sighs )

He really is a doctor.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blowing )

Well, hi.

Well, hello.

Don't tell me the whole cruise went by and I never met you.

Well, you're meeting me now.

Better later than never. Uh-huh.

That's the man who was with the pregnant lady.

And that's the lady you was with Dear Beverly's husband.

Sex fiend.

Well, gee, now I am sorry I didn't meet you earlier.

Oh, Gopher, Gopher.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Looks like your advice is gonna work out for my friend.

Oh, yes, they're going to live happily ever after.

What's this all about?

Oh, well, I have these two hamsters,

and they just haven't been getting along

as well as they should.

Mm. Thank you.

There you are, darling.

You see?

Ha, ha. Bye.

Hey, you're a great chef and you can sail with me anytime.

Oh.

( in Italian )

Thank you. And you are a fine captain.

Thank you. Thank you. I want to tell you

that that chocolate soufflé last night

was the best I've ever tasted.

I thought you would like it.

It's the first time I ever made it with ketchup.

What?

Just a little joke. Oh.

You see, Chef Borga has a sense of humor too.

Yes.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye, Merrill.

Ciao, Antonio.

Isn't he beautiful?

Jeff, you're not coming home because of the baby, are you?

Yes, I am. What?

I'm coming home for you, for us,

especially for me.

I need you, Gail.

( upbeat theme playing )

Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Well, look who's here.

Ah. Oh!

Time to say goodbye.

How can I ever thank you, Doc?

Yeah, thanks, Doc.

I'll send you my bill in the morning.

Heh. Julie, you're a good friend,

and a heck of a marriage counselor.

Well, I'll send you my bill in the morning too.

Okay, partner, say goodbye to your Uncle Isaac.

Bye, Cleophus. And your Uncle Gopher.

Your Uncle Adam, and your Aunt Julie,

and your Uncle Merrill.

Uh, Uncle Merrill, sir. ( chuckles )

We'd better get going. We still gotta go through customs.

And do you have something to declare. Heh-heh.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

( upbeat theme playing )