Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Are...? Are you sure it's safe?

I've never been on a ship before.

Of course it's safe.

Well, nothing will happen to us?

Denise, this is a pleasure cruise.

They're not gonna dump us on a beach at Anzio.

Come on, just relax.

"Relax."

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You haven't been president of the PTA for the past two years.

Parents screaming, teachers screaming.

All of them screaming at me.

I know. That's why I thought that, uh...

And you're not a den mother.

You didn't take 29 Brownies to Disneyland last Sunday.

Do you know how scary it is to go to Disneyland

with 29 little girls and come home with 30?

Denise, anyone can make a mistake.

Oh, the car pool.

I-I'm supposed to do the car pool next week...

Denise. It's my turn.

Don't you remember?

You switched weeks with Betty?

Oh. That's right. I forgot.

Oh, my nerves are tight as a drum from all this.

Exactly.

And that's why you need a vacation.

You never arranged for a vacation

since we've been married. Why a cruise?

'Cause that's the kind of rest you need.

( romantic theme playing )

Roxy, you can't run out like this!

Gus, I am tired.

If you do this to Bob Hope, you'll be dead in TV.

Roxy? Rox... Roxy.

Roxy, will you listen to reason?

Did I just die and go to heaven, or is that Roxy Blue?

Where?

You died and went to heaven. There's nobody there.

She just came on board.

I'm telling you, I know Roxy Blue when I see her.

He knows her when he hears her too.

He's played her Satin Doll album so many times,

she sounds like George C. Scott.

Well, she's not on my list.

Well, maybe she's traveling under another name.

Hey, Isaac, maybe we can fix you up with her, man.

Come on, man. Me and Roxy Blue?

Well, at least get her to sign your Satin Doll album.

Yeah, and if she won't do that,

maybe we can get George C. Scott to sign it.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi, Julie. Hi.

We're Brett and Denise Fredericks.

Well, welcome aboard. Fredericks, Fredericks.

Yes, there you are.

You're in cabin 104 on the Promenade Deck.

Go up the stairs, through those doors and forward.

Right. Thanks a lot.

Mm-hm.

You acted as if you knew her.

I don't know her.

I didn't say you knew her.

I just said you acted as if you knew her.

I mean, you said, "Hi, Julie."

Well, that's her name.

Well, my name's Denise,

but she didn't say, "Hi, Denise."

You're not wearing a nametag that says Denise.

She's wearing a nametag that says Julie.

( mouths ): Oh.

I'll be back in a minute.

Have a good time.

Excuse me, Julie.

Uh, I just wanna remind you, I'm the one that called

about the surprise birthday party for my wife.

( quietly ): Oh, yeah, I know.

Uh, why don't you call me later, and we'll make plans.

You're a doll.

( humming )

I thought you didn't know her.

I don't know her.

Then how come you were whispering

to a perfect stranger?

I told her of your concern for the safety of the ship,

and asked her to tell the ship's captain

to please drive carefully.

Oh, heh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Did she say she would?

Yes, sir, Mr. Fourgis.

That's table 29, the late sitting, sir.

Thank you.

Ah, welcome aboard, sir.

Mr., uh...?

Tanner. Capital T-A-N-N-E-R.

But I guess you know that.

Yes.

I mean, I guess that's the only way to spell it.

There's not another way to spell it, is there?

Not in English, that I know of.

Yeah, just T-A-N-N-E-R.

Heh, heh, heh. Right.

Capital T. I forgot to say that.

Well, I got it.

Uh, okay, uh, Mr. Tanner.

That's, uh, table 14. Capital one-four.

Heh. Ah, late sitting.

Thank you. I do know for a fact, though,

there's only way to spell my first name.

Robert.

If he spells it out, I'm gonna scream.

R-O-B-E-R-T.

Of course, back home on the farm they used to call me Bob,

or Bobby, or Little Bob, or Little Bobby.

That's on account of my Daddy's name was Robert too,

and we'd get all mixed up in the family

if they called us both Bob or Bobby.

Well, those are the breaks on the farm, I guess.

Of course, I guess they could have called him Big Bob

or Big Bobby, but he was so short, nobody never did.

( chuckles )

C'est la vie.

There could be one problem though, here on the boat.

Yeah, I think I know what that could be, yeah.

What if there's another Robert Tanner?

Couldn't be. Uh, next, please. Please.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Dullard!

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dullard. Welcome aboard.

( crowd cheering )

WOMAN: Goodbye.

( upbeat theme playing )

Look!

( ship's horn blows )

STUBING ( over PA ): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Captain Stubing.

Midnight buffet is now being served

in the Coral Dining Room.

Uh, Kahlua on the rocks, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am, Miss Blue!

Sweetheart, will you please do me a favor?

Just put your eyeballs back in your head

and serve me my Kahlua very quietly.

I'd really appreciate that.

Right.

Okay. Right.

Fine.

Solid. Fine.

You got it.

What was it that you wanted?

Kahlua.

Right. Ha-ha.

You got me kind of flustered.

I... I mean, I can't believe I'm standing here

talkin' to Roxy... Shh.

Shh. ( whispers ): Roxy Blue.

( whispers ): Thank you.

I own every record you ever made.

Is that so?

Sister, I played Satin Doll so many times,

it is worn out.

( laughs )

Well, well, a real fan.

And now you're here and I'm actually talking to you.

And you're even more beautiful in person than...

You know, uh, I kind of got my nerve up to say something,

and, uh, I think I better say it before I lose it.

( chuckles )

Listen, um... Well, you're on this ship,

and so am I and...

Well, I was wondering if I could, um...

see you, that's all.

Well, you're lookin' at me right now, sweetheart.

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not what I mean.

See, I... I kind of want to, uh...

Well, I... What I'd like to do...

( sighs )

Ah, forget it.

I mean, I'm just a bartender...

and you're a star.

Um... what time do you get off work?

In about an hour.

Why don't we have one drink?

One drink, mind you.

In my suite.

But, please, do me a favor:

just keep it to yourself.

I really don't want anybody to know I'm on this ship.

My lips are sealed, Miss Blue.

Roxy.

( mouths ): Roxy.

Hey, captain. Oh, I'm Mr. Tanner.

Cabin A211, Aloha Deck.

Well, how do you do. I'm Captain Stubing.

You know, it's an interesting thing about that word, "aloha."

You know, in Hawaiian it means "goodbye,"

but it also means "hello." True.

Now, in English, we've got two different words

for "hello" and "goodbye."

"Hello" and "goodbye."

But in Hawaiian, they've only got the one: "aloha."

Aloha. Adios.

I don't see how they keep from gettin' confused.

You know, like being at an airport,

and everybody saying, "aloha."

Some of 'em meaning "hello,"

and some of 'em meaning "goodbye," you know,

depending on whether they're comin' or goin'.

Yes. Well, uh, I have to be going.

Uh, aloha.

Sometimes it's just in the way you say it.

Aloha!

( mellow theme playing )

( sighs )

( door opens )

Hi.

Hi.

You look nice.

( giggles )

I bet you say that to all the girls,

you smooth-talking devil, you.

Listen, why don't you come on inside.

I'll play you some of my favorite Ray Charles tapes,

we put our feet up, talk a little bit,

and you'll tell me about that suit

and the herd of cows that you got it from.

( chuckles )

( mellow theme playing )

But I'm really not that much of a photographer.

All I need is some candid shots of my wife.

Then I can have 'em blown up and hang 'em on the wall.

Well, I can get the blowups made.

I mean, that's no problem.

Neither are the candid shots. What do you say?

( sighs )

Okay.

Just don't let my wife see you.

I want this whole thing to be a surprise.

Don't worry. Before this, I used to be a hotel detective.

And since that night on the cruise

when Miss America came aboard,

I had to lock the door to my cabin every night.

Ahem. Morning, ma'am. Morning.

Well, back to work.

Gotta help the captain find Puerto Vallarta.

We're lost?

It's just a joke, Denise.

Oh. You know, he... He seems very strange to me.

He's a very sneaky man.

Oh, you're right.

It's his job. You see, he's the Assistant Sneak.

Aw. Funny.

Ah, come on, Denise. Lighten up, will ya?

Hey there, sleepyhead.

Can I get some service, please?

You've got a person here that really needs some coffee.

Yes, indeed. Service is my middle name.

Uh, good morning.

It certainly is.

Hi.

Hi. Want some coffee?

No, just a coffee break. Oh, it's not even noon,

and my feet feel like it's 3 in the morning.

Well, I'm gonna have to ask your feet to leave.

This bar closes at 2.

By the way, have you seen Roxy Blue today?

Roxy Blue.

Now, that name does sound familiar.

Yeah, remember you said you saw her get on board?

Oh, that Roxy Blue.

Well, the captain got wind of it

and he's a big fan of hers,

and he wants her to be his guest at the farewell party.

That is, if I can find her.

If that was even her.

Well, you know, I might have been mistaken.

That might not have been her.

Besides, she sings like George C. Scott anyway.

Yeah. Will you keep your eye out for her?

Morning, Julie.

Uh, where's the shuffleboard tournament, huh?

I was just on my way.

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Take care of those bunions.

( light-hearted theme playing )

I sing like George C. Scott, huh?

Only the high notes.

You dog. Just you wait.

I'm gonna get you for this.

Promises, promises.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

So the jeweler was supposed to have the bracelet ready

before I left, but he goofed.

So now I don't have a birthday present for Denise.

I tell you what.

Later, I'll go down to the gift shop with you

and help you pick something out.

Oh, that'll be hard.

Every time I turn around, Denise is there.

( playful theme playing )

Well, then, why don't you come down with me now?

I can't.

If I stay away too long, Denise will get suspicious.

Then there's only one thing we can do.

We'll just have to get rid of her.

BRETT: That's not a bad idea.

JULIE: I'll see you later.

Right.

Oh, hi, honey.

Can I join you, or is your friend coming back?

My friend?

The girl you don't know.

You mean Julie?

Oh, come on.

She's just doing her job:

trying to keep the passengers happy.

Strange.

I'm a passenger, and she hasn't

sat down with me once.

Denise, please.

What were you two talking about?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. Just small talk.

I bet you'd rather be on this cruise alone, wouldn't you?

Of course not.

Just you and the little pretty blond.

That is ridiculous.

Without old married me in the way.

You're being ridiculous. Just...

Well, I'm not giving you a divorce,

and that's final!

( tense theme playing )

You should've known, Denise.

Ooh, you should've known he had something up his sleeve when...

When he decided on this cruise at the spur of the moment.

Ha-ha.

( melancholy theme playing )

Then why...?

( sobbing ): Why didn't I realize it?

Why didn't I know?

( chuckling )

Why didn't you know?!

Because we wives are always the last to find out.

Listen to me, Denise, this is only a fling.

He'll get over it. Ha!

Now, I want you to get up, go have dinner,

and act like you're having fun.

Ha.

( chuckles )

Act like I'm having... Ah!

Fun. ( phone rings )

Oh, I have to answer... I'll be right back.

( sniffles )

( low-voiced ): Hello?

Mr. Fredericks,

I haven't been able to get a clean shot at your wife

all day long.

( suspenseful theme playing )

See, I told you I wasn't very good at this.

I think maybe you'd better do it yourself.

But I can still arrange to have her blown up.

Who...?

Whhhho...?

( normal voice ): Who is this?

( gasps ): Whoa, it's that Mr. Tanner.

Come on, Harvey, let's go.

Will you sit down?

I came on this cruise for a rest,

not to be playing hide and go seek.

Hey! Hey there! Oh, it's too late.

If he asks one more time what we had for dinner,

I'll slap his face.

Hi. You mind if I join you?

Uh, no, no. Sit down.

What did you have for dinner?

( moans )

Liver and onions.

No foolin'.

You know, I was gonna have liver and onions.

As a matter of fact,

I went so far as to order the liver and onions,

and then I changed my order.

Really? Hm-hm.

Yup. It's a funny thing about me and liver and onions.

I order it a lot,

but then most of the time I always end up changin' my order.

Not all the time, but just most of the time.

That would make a wonderful movie.

You know, I was just settin' over there with some people

who must not have had a very good dinner.

Because suddenly all three of 'em started getting queasy.

Really? What'd they have?

I don't know. I never did get a chance to ask 'em.

Well, that's what I had. Harvey, listen,

I'm getting a little queasy too.

Good night, Mr. Tanner.

Good night. Good night.

( dramatic theme playing )

Gosh, I better watch what I eat.

Well, what finally happens is that you, uh...

You lose control.

I mean, heh,

I'm not just Roxy Blue, working girl.

I'm Roxy Blue Enterprises,

Roxy Publishing, Roxy Records,

Roxy Limited, London.

Hm-hm. I'm a damn conglomerate.

But I'm also bones and nerve endings,

and, you know, all that jazz.

I suppose I just really needed... to rest.

Yeah, but you walked out on Bob Hope.

I mean, that's like walking out on

Bob Hope.

So they'll get Donny and Marie.

Oh, nobody will know the difference.

Yeah. You know, I always get you three mixed up.

( giggles )

All right, so I'll pass up one TV guest shot.

To cruise on the Pacific Princess

( with Caribbean accent ): with a very sexy bartender.

Who thinks I sing like George C. Scott.

Now, don't get sexy with me, please.

I told you.

You are messing with a very vengeful corporation here.

You know I was only having fun.

You don't sing a bit like George C. Scott.

More like Lee Marvin.

( giggles )

Why don't you just shut up and kiss me?

Can't turn down a vengeful corporation.

( upbeat theme playing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

( gasps )

( humming )

So that's all there is to it, huh?

You just let go of the skeet

and I try to pop it off in midair.

Hey, Denise!

Denise!

Hey!

( yelling )

( shutter clicking )

( yells )

( mellow theme playing )

Doctor. Oh!

I have to talk to somebody.

My husband's trying to kill me. Whoa.

Slow down, Mrs. Fredericks.

He's in love with another woman and they...

They want me out of the way.

Easy. Easy, Mrs. Fredericks.

It's a conspiracy. No, no, no.

He's in cahoots with half the people on the ship.

I'm sure you're mistaken, Mrs. Fredericks.

( grunts ) Come on into my office.

I'll give you something to help you relax.

A mild sedative. ( gasps )

You'll feel much better when you get some sleep.

You're in on it too.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Well, everybody seems to be having a good time, Miss McCoy.

Yes, sir.

Well, sun, fun and rum is an unbeatable combination.

( chuckles )

I wonder what's the matter with Mr. Tanner up there.

Is he talked out?

( scoffs )

Is Vesuvius out of lava? ( chuckles )

No, sir, he's a nice guy.

He's just kind of boring.

Well, we all have faults, Miss McCoy.

But I want all the passengers to have a good time.

Consider that a challenge.

Swimming the English Channel is a challenge.

This is impossible.

GOPHER: Los Angeles newspapers, anyone?

WOMAN: I'll have one.

Here you go, ma'am.

Los Angeles papers. Los Angeles papers.

Got a problem? Yeah.

I'm running out of passengers to assign to Mr. Tanner's table.

Nobody seems to make it through dessert.

What about that little old deaf lady?

Look, I tried her,

but she reads lips and she says that Mr. Tanner has boring lips.

Let me try.

Hey, folks, uh, how would you like to share your table tonight

with Mr. Tanner?

Does that mean maybe?

Huh. What about you?

What about you? I thought I'd eat in my room.

You know, enjoy my own conversation for a change.

( both laugh )

My goodness.

Harvey? Hm?

Who does that look like?

Mm, it's hard to see.

Hat covers a lot of his face.

That's Mr. Tanner. I'm sure of it.

Yeah, could be.

It's the exact same kind of hat.

But what's his picture doing in the paper?

What'd he do, win the Pillsbury Bore-Off?

Listen to this: "Los Angeles police report

"that despite an intensive dragnet,

"Roscoe Toler, international jewel thief,

has once again eluded capture ."

"Roscoe Toler, jewel thief"?

R.T.

Those are the same initials as Robert Tanner.

That's him.

You know, I think you're right.

I knew that hick accent was phony.

Should we tell the captain?

Why?

So he can arrest him.

Harvey, let the captain arrest him later.

Huh?

First, let's... Let's get to know him.

I mean, how many people do you know

that can say that they're best friends

with an international jewel thief?

Two, maybe three, tops.

( dramatic theme playing )

GOPHER: You and Roxy Blue?

Hey, man, this is Isaac Washington.

I mean, yeah, I know I'm just a bartender

and she's a star, but you gotta know her.

I mean, she's not like a star.

She's...

like a woman.

I mean, you know, she's like...

( sighs )

Well, she's like the kind of woman

you wanna marry.

( laughs ): Come on, be serious.

I am serious.

I think you are.

I'm happy for you, man. Really.

Thanks, Gopher.

Now, you're sure that she's the right one for you?

Gopher, when you meet the right woman,

you know it.

( chuckles )

( tender theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Don't worry, sir.

Anything you want, I'll make.

You name it.

Just a small chocolate cake. And on top:

"Happy Birthday, Denise."

Fine.

"A beautiful wife and a dedicated mother."

Yes, sir.

"With all my love, "forever and ever

till the end of time."

That's it?

Yeah. Oh...

And I'd like it all spelled out in strawberries.

Strawberries?

How about pineapples?

( upbeat jazz music playing )

I'm sorry I'm late, but I just ordered the cake.

I've never seen a man go through so much trouble

to give his wife a surprise party.

( sighing ): Oh, she's worth it.

I found the perfect gift for her.

Oh yeah?

It's a gold choker. Beautiful.

A gold choker. You know, that's a terrific idea.

Good. By the way, what size neck does she have?

I don't know. Why?

Well, it should fit snugly to looks its best.

Oh. What am I gonna do?

I can't ask her her size, because that'll give it away.

And I can't just walk up to her and measure it.

Ooh, that's right.

You got any ideas?

Yes.

Tonight, wait until she's asleep,

and then take the sash from your bathrobe,

and slip it around her neck...

( mysterious theme playing )

Oh!

( gasps )

( breathing heavily )

( whimpers )

Pull yourself together, Denise.

That's better.

Now, remember,

when he knocks on the door, don't let him in.

Don't let him in all night.

What'd you say? Agh!

Oh, Denise, you look beautiful.

What are you... doing here?

Don't you remember? We share a room.

Honey, something the matter?

No, oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

No, nothing. I... I'm just really not feeling very well.

I have a cold, a slight cold.

Oh, poor baby.

Let me take a look at your throat.

No! Uh... it's nothing.

I... You know,

I think it's probably better if I stayed in, though.

Yes.

Why... Why don't you go dancing.

Alone?

The way they dance today, it doesn't matter.

( giggles nervously )

I, uh...

I can't have a good time without you,

so why don't I stay in too.

Hm? We'll relax,

and, um, I'll catch up on some reading.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( laughter )

I had the veal curry, three helpings.

I had steak tartare.

Please, Mr. Tanner is our friend.

Some people are so pushy.

Would you like to know what I had for dinner?

I sure would. That'd be real nice.

Well, I had rack of lamb.

Why didn't I think of that?

Are you sure it wasn't the leg of lamb?

Didn't I have rack of lamb? Tell him I had rack of lamb.

Yes, she did. She had the rack of lamb.

What vegetables did you have?

Broccoli. Golly.

Oh, I had carrots.

Brussels sprouts.

I had zucchini.

More important than what we had,

Mr. Tanner, what did you have for dinner?

Well, you know how I always order liver and onions,

and then at the last minute I change my order?

Well, this time I didn't change my order.

I had the liver and onions.

( all laugh )

That's a beautiful necklace, Mrs. Grove.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't it, Mr. Tanner?

Oh, it sure is. But to be honest with you,

I don't really know that much about jewelry.

Oh!

( all laugh )

Well, you know, now,

tomorrow night's our last night out.

And I have really given a lot of thought to this.

And I'm gonna have the roast beef.

Rare. Rare.

( all applaud and cheer )

You must sit at our table.

Denise.

Denise, why don't you go to bed?

It's midnight.

I'm hungry. I... I want another sandwich.

Denise,

you've ordered up from room service seven times.

Come on.

It's late.

You'll be dead in the morning.

( mysterious theme playing )

Come on.

Okay.

I-I just wanna finish reading this book first.

I-I'm at the most exciting part.

What page are you on?

Three.

( romantic theme playing )

You know, all we've got is what's left of tonight,

then tomorrow night and then it's all over.

Yeah. That's about it.

Roxy, nothing better than this

has ever happened to me in my whole life.

Don't go getting sentimental on me. Please.

I mean it.

Deep in my heart, I mean it.

Deep in... What's with this "deep in your heart" business?

I'm on vacation.

What are you getting mad about?

Because you're getting serious on me. Knock it off.

I won't knock it off.

Can't you see where I'm comin' from?

I love you.

Don't say that anymore.

What?

"I love you"?

I do.

I love you more than I've loved anybody before in my life.

Well, you just blew that.

You're acting like I said something dirty.

You're supposed to like it when someone says they love you.

You're supposed to say "I love you too."

And everybody's so happy that they can't see straight.

You really don't understand, do you?

I understand how I feel.

You know, a lot of people

have been bugging me to get out of this cabin.

I think I'll take up

that standing invitation from your captain.

Isn't there gonna be a farewell party tomorrow night?

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, aren't you going to be there?

Of course I am. I'm working.

Fine. I think we should just get some sleep.

It's getting late.

I don't want to.

Now, Roxy, I know you love me.

Now, why can't you just come out and admit it?

Isaac... Close your eyes.

We have tonight, tomorrow night

and then it's over.

Roxy, I just love you so much. I know that.

Oh, please, hush.

( sighs )

There's gonna be a big party tomorrow night.

Roxy Blue's gonna be there.

So just hush and let's go to sleep.

( eerie theme playing )

Denise?

Are you asleep, honey?

( playful theme playing )

Aagh!

Help! Murderer! He's trying to kill me!

Denise!

( all chattering indistinctly )

He's a murderer.

So is he.

Stop. Silence.

Quiet!

Would it be too much for one person

to explain what is happening

in a simple, quiet, logical, calm manner?

Yes, sir... ( all chattering )

I said, one person.

You.

Well, captain, it all started

because I wanted to give my wife

a surprise birthday party.

Why didn't you tell me that?

If I had told you, it wouldn't have been a surprise.

Oh, then who was that man on the telephone

who said he was trying to shoot me?

I confess. But this is what I wanted to shoot you with.

I wanted some candid shots to put up at the party.

Julie coordinated everything,

even the present.

A gold choker.

I just woke the lady in the gift shop to get it.

I was only trying to measure your neck, silly.

( playful theme playing )

( laughing )

Oh.

Bert, it's beautiful.

Captain, it's after 3 in the morning.

( mouths indistinctly )

He's on his way.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Denise ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh. Oh, wow.

Oh, honey, that's fantastic.

"Happy birthday, Denise. A beautiful wife

and dedicated... moth."

Moth?!

I ran out of strawberries.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Gee, where do you suppose he is?

Say, you don't think he found us too boring, do you?

Oh, Myra.

Hey, everybody.

Hi.

Hi.

Set yourself down.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Say, did you all hear the news? No. What?

Well, there was supposed to be

an international jewel thief on board,

but the police found him on another ship.

Where did you hear that?

One of the ship's officers told me.

I don't remember his name. He's kind of a short fella,

you know, with long sideburns and frizzy hair.

Why, you little fake, ya!

Come on, Harvey. I told you he was nobody.

MR. TANNER: Well, wait a minute.

Wh-what's the matter? Uh, what...?

Don't... Don't you wanna know what I'm gonna have for dinner?

( band playing funky jazz music )

There she is.

Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen.

Miss Roxy Blue!

( all applauding )

( both laughing )

Miss Blue, it's a tremendous honor

having you with us.

Uh, we were afraid you were going to deny us

the pleasure of your company for the entire voyage.

Oh, well, I thought so too for a while,

but then I got to feeling like a party.

( both laugh )

Could I have your autograph?

Uh, i-it's for my niece. Uh...

she'll be thrilled.

Are you sure this isn't for you?

( chuckles )

That's all right. Just tell the truth, sugar.

Okay. Thank you, thank you.

( band playing smooth jazz music )

( laughs )

Ha-ha-ha-ha. You're funny.

And Dean's another one, you know.

He's been making outrageous suggestions for years.

Ha, ha. But I tell 'em all, and I'll tell you too, sugar,

I'm not a girl who falls for uniforms.

I'm only faithful to that one man.

( chuckles )

And that one, and that one.

( both laughing )

And that one over there.

Hi, honey.

Isaac, a refill for Miss Blue, please.

Yes, just don't stand there, sweetheart.

Roxy is thirsty.

Thank you.

Mm.

Miss Blue, I wonder...

Now, I know this may be an imposition,

but, uh, could you, as a favor to me...

What did you have in mind, honey?

Could you possibly sing a song?

( laughing ): Oh.

Well, I'll try.

But you know, I'm really not prepared.

Ha-ha. I haven't rehearsed anything,

and we didn't bring any arrangements

or anything like that.

Of course, it's very sweet of you to ask.

STUBING: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen.

Miss Roxy Blue will now honor us with a song.

( applause )

( pianist playing Harold Arlen's "Come Rain Or Come Shine" )

♪ I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ Like nobody's ♪

♪ Ever loved you ♪

♪ Come rain ♪

♪ Or come shine ♪

♪ High as a mountain ♪

♪ Deep as a river ♪

♪ Come rain ♪

♪ Or come shine ♪

♪ I guess when you met me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It was just ♪

♪ One of those ♪

♪ Things ♪

♪ Well, don't ever bet me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna be true ♪

♪ If you let me ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha ♪

♪ You're gonna love me, yeah ♪

♪ Just like nobody's loved me ♪

♪ Come rain ♪

♪ Come rain ♪

♪ Or come shine ♪

♪ Happy together ♪

♪ Unhappy together ♪

♪ Won't that be fine... ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

GOPHER: Bye-bye, now.

Thank you. Bye.

So long, Mr. Tanner.

Uh, sir, one moment.

Uh... Uh-huh.

I just wanted to make sure

you weren't stealing any liver and onions.

( laughs )

Oh, listen, thanks for everything.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm gonna tell all my friends to take this cruise.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

You didn't come to see me last night.

I was too tuckered out from serving all that champagne.

Us help get that way sometime.

Hm.

You gonna invite me in?

Why not? I hope you don't mind a servant's quarters.

Isaac, I tried to tell you how things are.

It was pretty rough, huh?

( sighs )

Well, we...

We had a little world all our own,

but it didn't have anything to do with reality.

I just had to show you who Roxy Blue really is.

She's just a... A showpiece.

She's a... An object.

She's... She's a star.

She's also a woman,

and that's the part I thought I was getting through to.

Oh, you did.

You got through.

You got through to a part of me that I even forgot.

Why can't that part belong to me?

Maybe another time, another place,

but this isn't another time.

This is now.

Now stinks.

Look, Isaac, you're too much of a man

to ever be a Mr. Roxy Blue.

I was married to three other guys

who went through an awful lot of pain

because they couldn't handle it.

And they had a lot more going for them

out there in this world than you do.

I'm sorry.

I know it's cruel,

but you've got to understand.

Even if you don't understand,

please forgive me.

Forgive you?

For what?

We had a few laughs.

Oh, we had more than that.

We had a lot more than that.

Julie. Ah.

Julie, thank you again for everything.

Uh-huh. Oh, especially my present.

You have wonderful taste.

Well, it was fun being part of your birthday.

Just count me out next year, okay?

( both laugh )

Bye-bye. Bye.

We still have a couple of days' vacation left,

so, what do you say we fly to Las Vegas?

Fly? In a... In a plane?

Over the mountains?

A-across the desert?

Relax, Denise.

Helen loved the flight.

Hel... Helen?

Who's Helen?

Your mother, Denise.

Oh.

( chuckles )

( both chuckle )

My jewelry!

My jewelry's been stolen! Captain.

I've been robbed! Calm down, calm down.

Now, are you sure?

Maybe you misplaced it. No! No!

It was there this morning when I was packing.

Wasn't it, Harvey? Yes. Yes, it certainly was.

Captain, captain.

My jewelry case!

A man down on the dock asked me to return this.

Well, you see? Someone found it.

Honesty is still the best policy.

Wait.

It's empty!

What's this?

MR. TANNER ( voice-over ): Please forgive my dishonesty.

I'm sorry I lied to you at dinner last night.

I told you I was gonna have the roast beef,

but at the last minute I changed my mind

and I ordered the crabmeat au gratin.

R.T.

That's capital R, period,

capital T, period.

"P.S., I figure your jewels I took

"are worth $90,000.

"Don't let the insurance company rob you.

"R.T., Roscoe Toler."

( upbeat theme playing )

Nice lady.

I got to talk to her a little bit last night.

She's okay.

So you gonna see her again?

No, I doubt it.

She was getting too serious, right?

Talking about marriage and everything.

Yeah, well, you know, that sort of thing is for chumps.

Yeah.

Besides, I'm saving myself

for somebody really terrific.

So you dumped her, right?

Yeah, you could say that.

( melancholy jazz theme playing )

( car engine starts )

( upbeat theme playing )