Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be making ♪

♪ Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something ♪

♪ For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Who do we see about the staterooms?

That lady over there.

Oh. Oh, come on, darling.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Thank you. Thank you.

My name is Wolfe

and this is my wife Anita. How do you do?

And I'm... I'm Cyril Wolff.

Well, hello. How do you do?

Agh!

Gotcha. Heh-heh.

Cyril, you promised.

Honey, I couldn't help myself.

Oh, hey, that's okay, Mr. Wolfe.

But I'm sorry, we're not allowed to accept tips.

Not even fingertips.

( laughs )

She's got a sense of humor, I'll tell you.

Hello, we're the Dickersons.

Hello. Julie McCoy. How do you do?

I'd like you to meet the Wolfes.

How do you do? How do you do?

Uh, good meeting you, Reverend.

( electric buzz )

Gotcha. Heh-heh.

Oh, no. Well, I never.

Oh, you ought to try it sometime.

It's all right, my dear.

All right.

Look, honey, you only have to put up with it for ten days.

I've had it for 20 years.

And I mean, had it.

Gopher? Mm-hm?

Could we get up a little more speed?

Let's try for at least third gear.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Miss Mitchell.

I... I thought with...

Yes, I know. Everybody thinks.

But as long as I have to be in this thing,

I may as well have some fun.

Fun? Mm-hm.

Okay.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

( imitates engine revving )

( both laughing )

Whoo!

All right, pit stop here.

Uh, come on, you guys.

Easy does it.

There's one.

There's two.

Whoo!

Piece of cake.

Oh, wonderful. Oh, sir,

I'd like you to meet...

Uh, yes. I know, Gopher. I know.

Miss Maureen Mitchell.

I've been following your tennis career for years.

Last month Wimbledon, this month the Indianapolis 500.

( imitates engine )

Uh, this is our captain, Captain Stubing.

How do you do?

Oh, fine, thank you. Except in tennis.

Actually my problem is with my serve.

Oh, what's wrong with your serve?

I keep missing the ball.

( all laugh )

Uh, I'll see you at my table tonight.

Okay.

Okay, you said, uh, Cabin 342,

that's Promenade Deck.

Uh, Gopher? Hm?

I can manage. I really can.

Oh. Uh, well, okay. Thank you.

Uh, it's... It's through those doors and to the left.

Okay. Thank you very much, Gopher.

Okay. Anytime. See you later.

( horn blares )

( upbeat theme playing )

( mouths ): Bye.

Oh! Sorry. I... Well, look who's here.

And I thought this was going to be a pleasure cruise.

Hello, Mitchell. How's your back?

None of your business.

I'm sorry. I was only asking.

One rap in my column, you're still sore, huh?

Everybody has a bad day.

Six-one, six-love isn't a bad day,

it's the pits.

Boy, do I hate a sore loser.

Talk about your sore losers.

How do you rate a guy

who gets revenge for a busted romance

by taking cheap shots with his typewriter?

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

So that's what you think, huh?

Maureen, look,

you and I had a good thing going,

and we blew it.

But I don't let my personal life affect my column.

Who cares about your column?

I use it for wrapping fish.

Well, you keep playing the way you did at Wimbledon

and you may be wrapping fish for a living.

( stammers )

Mitchell...

Hey.

Get well soon.

The game needs you.

Hey, what's the matter with you, Ballard?

Getting human in your old age?

( sighs )

Oh, Anita, I don't know why you're so mad.

Everybody loves a dribble glass.

Not when they're drinking a $50 bottle of wine,

they don't. ( scoffs )

I-I offered to buy the captain a new uniform, didn't I?

Will you just quit it?

Honey, you don't... You don't understand.

I-I just can't help it.

I can't help it. I-it's a sickness.

I know they're childish pranks: the water balloons,

the itching powder, even the plastic doody.

Honey, I-I-I can't stop it. I really can't.

Inside me there's a real joke just dying to get out.

( screams )

Oh!

( upbeat theme playing )

Thank you.

( knock on door )

Yeah?

GOPHER: Hi!

Look who I found hot-rodding down the passageway.

Doc, say hi to Maureen Mitchell.

Don't tell me, I know why you're here.

You want a lesson on your backhand.

You must have seen my last match.

( chuckles )

Hi. I'm Adam Bricker.

How do you do?

I heard you were on board. Welcome.

You're not having a problem, are you?

Only with my chauffeur.

He should have his license revoked.

I can take a hint.

Call me if you need me, Maureen.

"Miss Mitchell" to you.

Keep in touch. Don't be strange.

We'll have lunch.

Bye.

I promised my doctor I'd give you my medical charts.

Okay. Well, let's see.

Oh, no. How about that?

Your orthopedist is Earve Haywood?

Mm-hm. You know him?

Do I know him? We went to med school together.

( laughing )

Earve will stop at nothing for a joke.

One time we were sharing this cadaver...

Well, uh, maybe that's for another time.

Anyway, when you see him again, please say hello.

I will.

In fact, when we get back to Los Angeles,

I'm taking a flight to Houston so he can operate on me.

Couldn't be in better hands. ( knocking on door )

On second thought, don't say hello.

I'll call him myself.

Oh, hi. Are you the doctor?

Yeah, what happened?

Uh, I think I sprained my knee.

Oh. Here, get up here.

( grunting )

Is that sensitive?

Not if it's his knee.

( scoffs )

Go bite a tennis ball.

I gather you two have met?

Unfortunately.

Yeah, you're right about that strain.

Well, I'll tape it up for you,

but you'll have to stay off it for a couple of days.

Well, how will I get around?

In one of those.

( lighthearted theme playing )

Welcome to the club.

Have to?

Well, unless the lady wants to give you a lift.

Sorry, company policy.

No hitchhikers.

Ha-ha-ha.

( grunts ) Let's keep it straight.

Let's just keep it straight.

( majestic theme playing )

( over speakers ): This is Captain Stubing speaking.

We hope you've enjoyed your day in Acapulco.

We will be getting under way for Mazatlán

in just a few minutes.

WOMAN ( with Mexican accent ): Hey, hey, hey. Look, look.

Souvenir? You wanna buy souvenir?

Souvenir, everybody.

Last chance. Last opportunity.

( horn blares )

Mister, mister, want a beautiful souvenir?

Uh, miss, you better get ashore.

We're about ready to shove off.

Already?

( sighs )

Gee, time fly and business is terrible.

But I don't know what my family gonna do.

Oh, your family, huh?

Mm-hm.

I help to support all of them.

All of them?

All my brother and sister. Seventeen of them.

Seventeen? What does your father do?

I just told you.

( laughs )

Hey, why don't you buy everything

and help me out?

Ah, well, miss, uh,

you know, I've bought so many Mexican souvenirs,

I could open my own shop.

Now, I have to go above

and act like I know what I'm doing.

Okay. I'll be seeing you.

( upbeat theme playing )

America, here I come!

( upbeat theme playing )

( speaking indistinctly )

( whispers ): You see what I see?

I saw it first.

Wait a minute, I know that foot.

( laughs )

Good morning.

( laughs )

Morning. Morning, sir.

GOPHER: Well, sir, uh,

evidently somebody lost this $100 bill.

And, uh, Julie and I were just gonna return it

to the lost and found.

Right.

I'll take care of it.

( laughing )

Oh, captain, I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid this is just another one

of my husband's stupid practical jokes.

Oh. Him again, hm?

I'll teach him a lesson.

So will I.

Thank you... for the Christmas fund.

( mellow theme playing )

Damn.

A.J. White you're not.

Point, Miss Mitchell.

You have to back it on.

Oh.

You need some help?

Yes.

Yes, I sort of feel like one of those

busted shopping carts that keeps turning in circles.

You must be right-handed.

What?

If you're right-handed,

you push more on the right wheel,

causing it to veer to the left.

That makes sense.

Hm.

I'm a whiz with wheelchairs.

It's sports writers that I can't handle.

What do you say we call time-out

and talk it over?

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, the passengers really love it

when the crew members get together

and put on a show.

And if you do something...

Miss McCoy, I am the captain of this ship,

not Soupy Sales.

It is important that I conduct myself

in a manner that commands respect.

I don't sing, I don't dance

and I don't tell jokes.

I guess juggling oranges is out too.

One word was right:

out.

Right.

Oh, can I make up your cabin now,

Captain Stubing?

Yes, go right ahead.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh...

( woman groaning )

( sighing )

( lighthearted theme playing )

Do you make up everybody's bed this way,

or just mine?

Well, I don't know how she got in there.

I can't be expected to check under every bed sheet.

I got a million and one things to do,

all these cabins to make up

and towels and sheets to clean.

Well?

Well, I got in myself.

I'm guilty. I'm also sick.

Oh, just what I needed: a stowaway.

Stowaway!

Stowaway. You need a stowaway?

Oh, I'm lucky, lucky.

Ah!

( laughs )

Please, please, I'm the captain.

Um, what's your name?

Well, my name is

Algolina Patricia Ruiz Inex Lopez.

It is A-P-R-I-L.

Everybody in Acapulco call me April.

Well, welcome aboard, April.

Uh...? Thank you.

Thank you. I, uh...

I mean, uh, why don't we help her out of the laundry?

( dramatic theme playing ) ( grunts )

Yes.

I'll come back later

when you don't have your hands full.

( upbeat theme playing )

( speaking in Spanish)

Ladies. Gracias.

I'm in trouble, no?

You're in trouble, yes.

What you've done is against the law.

I'm really sick.

Captain, please don't punish me.

Oh, don't make me walk the plank.

Ooh, I'm so allergic to... To sharks.

They make me break out in tooth marks.

( speaks indistinctly )

We'll have to put you ashore at the next stop.

( gasps )

Whoopee! Yippee!

( strums guitar chord )

♪ I like to live in America ♪

♪ Okay by me in America ♪

♪ Everything free in America ♪

♪ Sock it to me ♪

I'm going to America.

Olé.

Captain, I think you'd better explain

that our next stop is Mazatlán.

Uh, do you know you're getting off at Mazatlán?

Sure.

♪ You are getting off At Mazatlán... ♪

No, no, no, no, look,

young lady, you are a stowaway.

I can't take you to America.

You are getting off at the next stop.

Oh, please, don't make the next stop.

That way you won't have to worry

and pick up anymore stowaways.

Captain, take me to America. Please.

I have to go to America.

Uh, I tell you what, when we are there

I get lost. I promise.

I even will help you to throw me off.

Please?

I want to be in show business.

Real bad.

Sorry, your cruise ends at Mazatlán.

( phone rings )

Heartbreak Hotel.

If you're a blonde, I'm available.

What if I'm bald?

Sir. Captain.

Hi.

Come to my quarters immediately.

I have a young woman I want you to take

to see Dr. Bricker.

Oh, he'll like that.

On the double.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

On the double.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi, doc.

This is April.

Well,

I can't wait to see the rest of the year.

( sighs )

Oh... What seems to be the problem?

It my stomach. It feel like a roller coaster.

It go ups, it go down. It go ups, it go down.

It go ups and down.

Yeah, what you need is something for seasickness.

I already got seasickness.

What I want is something to make it stop.

Well, a funny patient.

That's why we brought her to a joke doctor.

Hm.

Take these.

What is this?

Looks like pills to me.

Take them.

Now go back to your stateroom and lie down.

Doc, this is her stateroom.

April's a stowaway and Captain Stubing

wants her kept here.

You mean he wants her kept here with me?

Any complaints?

Yeah. Three's a crowd.

Doc, remember,

she's in your hands.

Just like Allstate.

I didn't say "good hands."

Gopher, let's get together. We'll have lunch.

Hi.

( majestic theme playing )

Why did we have to eat in here tonight?

You kidding? Ha.

After what you did to the waiter,

I can't even show my face in the dining room again.

Well, all I did was to tie his shoelaces together.

Oh, Cyril.

Can't help it.

Said I was sorry.

I even helped him pick the linguine

out of his toupee.

Oh, you always apologize

and then you do the same thing over again.

Honey, honey, it's not easy for a man,

you know, to... To... To...

To break the habits of a lifetime.

Not easy at all.

Understand?

I'm telling you, Cyril,

you better start breaking some habits

or you're gonna end up with a new one:

writing alimony checks.

Anita, darling, I'm trying, I'm trying.

I'm warning you, Cyril.

This is your last chance!

Uh, please, Anita, d-don't sit there.

Don't... Don't... Don't sit there.

Uh, sit over there.

( laughs ): Oh, no you don't.

I'm not falling for that old chestnut.

That's it!

I'm getting out of this marriage!

I sai... I said...

I said don't sit there. ( sighs )

Anita, darling, you...

Please, you've gotta give me one more chance.

If I give you one more chance,

I'll end up in intensive care!

( groaning ): No! No!

I'll help. You've put on weight, dear.

You... You... You've put on weight.

Oh!

( mellow music playing in room )

I've got to remember the 99 times out of 100

that this operation is successful.

Mm-hm. I mean, the idea

of never walking again is...

Well, I have the feeling that I will be getting you

six pairs of adidas on your next birthday.

You know something, Ballard?

Hm?

I've missed you.

I've missed you too, Maureen.

( talking inaudibly )

Good evening.

Good evening, captain. Hi.

Hello, Julie. Hi.

I hope you'll forgive me for not standing.

I am sorry to hear about what happened

to your knee, Mr. Ballard.

Well, as it turns out,

it's one of the nicest things that happened to me.

Captain, I think these people would like to be alone.

Mm. Well, I bet that's why they picked a table for two...

Mm-hm. Miss McCoy.

MAUREEN: Please excuse me.

I have to get back on duty. Well, good evening

and thank you very much. ( all talking indistinctly )

( both clearing throats )

( whispers ): Come here. Mm-hm.

What ever happened to us?

I don't know, maybe we were just

too busy being stars. Oh, I see.

Your getting headlines and my dreaming them up.

That kind of thing? Mm-hm.

We were always going to take that month off

and just bum around together.

Yeah, I do... I remember, all right.

We never could find that month off,

could we? Mm-mm.

March. Out.

Virginia Slims tournament. Mm-hm.

April. Baseball season opening.

Mm-hm. May?

Davis Cup.

Yeah. June.

BOTH: Wimbledon.

Yes, I know. Mm-hm.

Well, still, with all that, though,

we, uh...

We did manage to grab a few interesting moments.

( laughs ): Didn't we? ( laughs ): Mm-hm.

It added up to about, uh, one very long weekend.

Mm.

And even that, we wasted half of it fighting.

I'd rather remember the other half.

I'd like to do more than remember.

What do we do, lock wheels?

Just you wait till I get out of this contraption,

John Ballard.

Okay.

Till then, to tennis.

Oh, to typewriters.

To true love.

May the last come first.

I'll drink to that.

( majestic theme playing )

No way, Gopher. I'm not gonna do it.

What do you mean, you're not gonna do it?

You can't do that not-do-it.

What are you talking about?

The cruise show. He's backing out.

You can't do that.

That's what I said.

Isaac, I'm counting on you.

( laughs )

You owe me, man.

I saved your life.

I pulled you out of the water.

I was in the swimming pool, floating on my back.

A technicality.

All right.

Flip a coin. Only way. No, Gopher.

I'm not... Flip a coin.

You're not gonna get... Heads.

You lose.

Two out of three.

Wait till you see this act.

We'll kill them.

Yeah? What are you gonna do?

Oh, surprise. Right, buddy?

( chuckles )

That's all I need on this cruise:

another surprise.

Oh yeah, I hear we got a stowaway.

Mm.

You ought to see her.

Whew! Mm. Mm, tell me about her.

Will you two quit carrying on?

She's a very sweet, innocent girl.

If she hangs around Doc long enough,

she won't be.

She's staying in Doc's cabin.

That dog. I love it.

( Gopher and Isaac laugh )

( knocking on door )

( Bricker and April laughing )

Julie, what are you doing here so late?

I just thought I'd pop by and say hi.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi... Uh, where's April?

Thought I'd say hi to her too.

( laughs ) She's, uh, in my cabin.

We were just getting ready for bed.

Uh, yeah, you know, I was thinking...

Well, doc, here you go.

Oh, hi, Miss Julie.

Hi. Thanks, April.

I hope you don't get crickets in your back,

uh, sleeping on this thing.

Rest in peace.

Okay?

Okay.

( as April ): Rust in peace.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc... Doc... Wake up.

I have to talk to you.

Oh, are you in luck,

the patient who had the appointment

for this hour just cancelled.

Hey, get up.

There is something we have to disgust.

Okay. Start disgusting.

Are you like this all the way down?

No, at the waist I branch out into legs.

Please, relax. What's on your mind?

Tomorrow they are going to put me ashore in Mazatlán.

I'm so scared.

When you get off at Mazatlán,

nothing's gonna happen to you.

Well, you'll get on a bus and go right back to your family.

My family.

How can I go to my family?

I let them down.

April, don't be so hard on yourself.

You're doing the best you can.

So far, my best turns out to be the worst.

What should I do?

You keep on trying, that's what you do.

And I'm betting on you to make it.

You cure me again, doc.

You turn my frown upside down.

Oh...

now I know what the wart prince means.

I've gotta get you a better dictionary.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, you take good care of yourself now, April.

Don't worry about me, Miss Julie.

I'll be all right.

April, if they really wanted to beautify America,

they'd let you in.

Thank you, Gopher.

Stay cool, April.

So long, kid.

It was nice having you in my bed.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Miss Julie.

( sighs )

MAN ( over PA ): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Our tours of Mazatlán will be leaving in 20 minutes.

Easy.

Yeah. Oh...

See that? You haven't forgotten.

Oh.

But I wouldn't go dancing tonight.

I wasn't asking.

Well... ( phone rings )

Excuse me. Thanks, doc.

You're welcome.

Yeah, operator.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. My call to Dr. Hayward.

Hey, Irv, you old quack.

It's Adam Bricker.

A cruise ship. Uh-huh.

And I've got one of your patients aboard,

Maureen Mitchell.

BRICKER: Shoot, I'm not gonna give her back to you.

What?

What about the operation?

Irving, not even with the new...?

Irving, if it were any other surgeon,

I'd tell her to get a second opinion.

Well, she's planning to take a connecting flight to Houston

the day we dock.

Okay, Irving, I'll tell her.

So long.

Doc...

the operation's off, isn't it?

I can't discuss this with you, John.

Although I know how much it means to you,

what you just heard was privileged communication.

I want to tell her, doc.

You never heard that conversation.

You can't go by the book on this one.

You've known her for four days.

I've known her for four years.

I love her, and I think that I should be the one to tell her.

No.

Please.

Uh-uh.

Doc... please.

I just threw the book away.

Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blowing )

ISAAC: Gopher, we're gonna make fools of ourselves.

Isaac, trust me.

Our act will be the hit of the show.

For the doctor. Down the passageway to the right.

Isaac, I come from a show business family.

I have an Uncle who's a midget.

Basket of fruit for the doctor.

BRICKER: Who's it from?

I give you a clue.

I am bigger than a bread box and I shake more than Jell-O.

April...

What are you doing here?

That's some greeting for a long lost friend.

But you just left here a few hours ago.

Okay.

I can go away for another hour or so,

then maybe you'll miss me.

It's not a matter of missing you,

you're supposed to be on a bus home.

But you told me to keep on trying.

Yeah, but I thought you'd try on somebody else's ship.

I'm giving you a lot of trouble, huh?

Are you going to call the Captain?

Well... maybe not until tomorrow morning.

I'm getting used to sleeping on the examination table.

( knock on door )

Come in.

Hey...

Don't tell me.

I know that walk anywhere.

Rudolf Nureyev.

Your knee's all right, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Um, it's gonna be fine.

Just a little stiff.

Good.

You had me worried there for a second.

Honey, I've been thinking...

after my operation, I'm going to have to rest up for a while,

and it'll be a perfect opportunity for us

to take that month we've always talked about.

We can go up to your cabin in the mountains.

We can go for long walks.

Maureen... Yes?

( melancholy theme playing )

There's something you have to know.

What?

Sweetheart, I'd go anywhere in the whole wide world with you,

at any time, but...

But what?

But only as man and wife.

I love you and I'm not gonna take a chance

on losing you again.

I want to marry you.

John, I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

If there's one thing for me that beats

running around the tennis court with Chrissy Everett,

it's walking down the aisle with you.

( sighs )

ANITA: Oh, good afternoon.

Beautiful day.

REVEREND: Yes, isn't it?

Your husband isn't around, is he?

No. Good.

Then I won't have to worry about his sophomoric practical jokes.

I'm sorry.

I thought people were unusually hostile today.

Look, Reverend Dickerson, I want to apologize for Cyril.

He, uh...

Well, he has a rather strange sense of humor.

Yes.

Sometimes it's rather difficult

to turn the other cheek.

So to speak.

( laughs )

Well, I want to thank you for being so understanding.

I better go now.

I want to stop him before he sinks the ship.

That poor woman.

With a husband like that,

you never know what's gonna happen next.

( whimsical theme playing )

Help! Help!

Man overboard.

Man overboard? Oh, my goodness.

CYRIL: Man overboard.

Look. There's his hat!

I know that hat.

That's his hat.

It's our Mr. Wolff crying wolf.

What shall we do?

Nothing.

If we sound the alarm,

we'll be the laughing stock of the entire ship.

I won't be made a fool of again.

Neither will I.

What if it's not his hat?

Huh?

What if we're wrong?

Oh...

I couldn't have that on my conscience.

No.

We'd better report what happened.

Mrs. Wolff, we're not sure,

but we think your husband just fell overboard.

REVEREND: We saw his hat floating away.

We've got to get the ship stopped.

Oh, please. Reverend, um... ( chuckles )

Relax. Don't worry.

Whatever Cyril falls into he comes out smelling like a rose.

He doesn't mean to hurt anyone with his silly pranks.

It's just that...

Well, sometimes he gets carried away

and he doesn't know when to stop.

Well, I'd like to stop him with a straight left to the chops.

Now, Martha.

Well, I would. Martha.

I bet he'd know when to stop if just for once,

the joke was on him.

You know, that's a very interesting idea.

( upbeat theme playing )

We need alcohol, iodine and adhesive tape.

What happened?

Somebody hurt?

Yeah, the audience.

It's for our act tonight.

Hey... here's April's guitar.

Oh, how nice.

Oh, doc, did she give that to you?

No, she had it with her when she got off the ship.

Doc... ( whistling )

Doc...

Captain Stubing is going to kill us.

He's never let anyone off that easy.

Never mind us. What about April?

He's gonna throw her off the ship again.

If we tell.

I won't tell.

I won't tell.

I have to tell.

Trust me.

There are ways of putting something like this.

Anita?

Anita? Are you here?

You should see what I just did. It was terrific.

Anita?

Anita?

"Dear world, they just told me my beloved Cyril

"has fallen to his doom. I can't live without him.

"That's why I've flung myself overboard

to join him in his watery grave."

Oh, no...

Anita, darling... I didn't mean it.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

( all three ): Gotcha!

( upbeat theme playing )

May I start the show?

Yes, go right ahead.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to crew night.

Our show tonight is called

That's Almost Entertainment,

and I think after you see our opening act,

you'll understand why.

Can we have a big hand for Gopher and Isaac.

You look ridiculous.

That's funny, I've never seen you look better.

( whistling "Yankee Doodle" )

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat.

This act is our own Captain Stubing's personal discovery,

Algolina Patricia Ruiz Inex Lopez.

Okay.

( playing classical guitar )

♪ My thrill started long ago With a dream of you ♪

♪ My thrill came alive The moment you came in view ♪

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And you leave me breathless With sheer delight ♪

♪ My thrill is to share The gift that your lip ignite ♪

( singing in Spanish )

( audience cheering )

You know what I could go for right now?

A brandy.

Good guess.

A good memory. I'll be right back.

Don't worry. I can't run away.

Maureen, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Dr. Hayward just called to say some lab idiot

screwed up on your x-rays.

The operation's back on.

You're gonna be fine.

Would you run that by me again, please.

Well, it's such great news.

I don't know how to apologize for putting you through

what we put you through since yesterday.

I know how shocked you must have been when John told you

the operation was off.

Maureen?

I'm sorry, I'm just a little stunned.

MAN ( over PA ): Dr. Bricker, please report to the bridge.

Dr. Bricker, please.

Excuse me. They're playing my song.

You're a great girl, Maureen.

I can't tell you how happy I am for you...

for both of you.

Well, this ought to warm you up, Mrs. Ballard.

Napoleon Brandy.

I think we should go to the French Riviera

to buy the entire stock, and then,

of course, to Paris for some gowns,

and London for the races at Ascot and then,

of course, the palace to visit with the Queen.

John, I've been thinking, and, uh, it's not going to work out.

We've been kidding ourselves.

What?

You've got your career and I've got mine and...

I know you want to marry me, but...

But? But what?

Sooner or later it would come down to

who's career would be first, and...

I wouldn't want you to give up your career

and I can't give up mine.

Well, the hell with that, if you love me you'd marry me.

That's all there is to it.

What's love got to do with it, John.

You're marrying me out of pity.

What are you talking about?

I just saw Dr. Bricker...

and I found out there was something

you didn't have the guts to tell me.

Maureen, I...

How do you have the guts...

to tell the lady that you love...

she's never going to walk again?

Maureen, I love you and I want you...

and I'll be damn lucky to get you...

any which way, on wheels, on stilts or a pogo stick.

It really doesn't matter to you, does it?

No, it doesn't.

Darling, there's something else that the doctor told me

that I think you should know.

Yes?

They're going to go ahead with the operation.

I'm going to be all right.

And afterwards I'm going to need an awful lot of handholding...

and love...

and I'm going to need you.

You've got me.

( romantic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Billy.

Oh, sweetheart...

ooh, it's so good to see you.

You know customs checked their file and they couldn't find

an international smuggler with your son's description,

so we let him come aboard.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

Can I take your picture? Mom? Dad?

Oh, sure. Sure.

A picture of the new Cyril Wolff.

I feel ten years younger now that I don't have to worry about

your dumb practical jokes anymore.

Gotcha.

That's my boy.

Why do I suddenly feel ten years older?

You're terrific, kid, just like I taught you.

You're gonna be wonderful. Dynamite, just dynamite.

Hey, thanks for inviting us to your wedding.

Uh-huh. Yeah, but one detail.

When's it gonna be?

Well, that's what we're working on now.

Well, we'll be back from the mountains in August,

so it'll probably be in September.

Ah, September you're gonna be at Forest Hills,

so it'll probably be in October.

October? You're covering the World Series.

Well, forget the World Series.

Forget Forest Hills.

No way, 'cause you're going to be there.

Whatever you say.

Ah, see... Bye, all.

Bye. Bye, Maureen.

Bye.

Drive carefully.

What is gonna happen with me now?

I don't know.

The Captain asked us to stay here

till he comes back with Julie.

Maybe Charles Bronson'll rescue you in a helicopter.

Or not.

April.

Do I have to go now, captain?

Right, you have to go now.

I'm going to jail?

No... to work.

To work?

Are you going to put me in the change gang?

No, we're putting you on the crew list.

The crew list?

Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

That I have to row this thing?

No, you don't have to row this thing.

I've arranged for April to work for the Princess Lines

as an entertainer on another ship.

( screams )

Oh, Captain. You saved my life.

I love you. You are my man, my man, I love you.

How many times do I have to tell you, I am the captain.

How much I'm gonna get?

Three hundred a week. Four hundred.

Three hundred. Three hundred and fifty.

Two seventy-five.

Make it 300, we got a deal.

Congratulations.

Thank you, doc. Isn't that beautiful?

I got 300 on that job a week

and I got one million dollars worth in friends.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you very much.

Julie, I got it. I think I got it.

Oh, my goodness.

By the way, April,

your fare for this trip will be deducted from your pay.

What do you mean?

Wait a minute is that a crew rate or a passenger rate?

What about the meals that I didn't get?

I think I need an agent.

( speaking in Spanish )

( upbeat theme playing )