Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blares )

Thank you very much. Okay, now... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't know, maybe we're making a big mistake

going on this cruise. Oh, yes.

Who wants to spend ten days lying in the sun

getting a great tan... Yes.

Eating lots of wonderful food,

being waited on hand and foot?

We do!

Hi, we're the Rixies.

Welcome aboard.

You're on the Fiesta Deck. F-139.

Go down through the main doors,

down the companionway, and then aft.

Thank you. Hi, kids.

I'm the kid. She's in puberty.

Isn't she a brat, huh, huh?

JULIE: Nice having you with us again.

Bye-bye.

Hello, welcome aboard, folks. Hi, sweetie.

If you're the official glad-hander on this tub,

you must know where they keep the hooch.

That's through the purser's lobby and then go straight.

Nothing closer?

( upbeat theme playing )

I've got it.

That's my love. A truly independent woman.

I'm not that independent.

I just want you to save your strength for the good stuff.

Come on. You can get that.

Dr. and Mrs. Carstairs. I've got them.

Mm-hm. The Ramirez family.

Sí.

Mr., uh... gorgeous.

Come on, gang. All aboard.

Gorgeous, Mr.

I don't see him. Oh, I do.

Aha.

Hi, I'm Mr. Wright.

That's what she thought the minute she saw you.

Jim Wright.

Well, I'm Yeoman-Purser Smith,

and this is our cruise director, Julie.

Julie.

Julie.

Oh, hi.

( stammering, giggling )

( muffled ): Julie McCoy.

Or if you speak English, Julie McCoy.

Welcome aboard, Mr., uh... Right.

Wright. Wrong.

No.

You can't be the Mr. Wright

with the Life Begins at 60 tours.

Ah, yes, that's me.

I was expecting somebody... 60.

Well, I'm 30.

Looks like my life is just beginning.

Well, where's your group, Mr. Wright?

Uh, uh, they'll be along in a minute.

I think the gangplank slowed 'em up a little bit.

You have time for a cup of coffee?

Well... I should finish.

Oh.

Would you mind checking in the group?

No, you kids go right ahead.

I'll handle everything.

Thanks. Well...

♪ Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

( all laughing )

Hi, Jimmy. Where you going?

JIM: Uh, well... Hey, who's the cutie?

This is your cruise director, Julie McCoy.

Ah. She looks like the real McCoy to me.

( all laughing )

And this is your assistant purser, Mr. Burl Smith.

But everybody calls me Gopher.

Listen, everybody, why don't we try and find your cabins?

I know you all could use a little rest.

Rest nothing. Come on, Jimmy boy,

let's check this tub out and find the action.

♪ Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

( playful theme playing )

I can dig it.

( upbeat theme playing )

There you go, Mrs. Larson. One piña colada.

Thank you.

I could really get hooked on these things.

Yeah, but you gotta watch 'em.

One is delicious, two are dangerous,

and three will make you wanna go bowling with your head.

( all chuckle )

I'll have another one. Oop.

I'm a terrific bowler.

First strike coming up.

( sighs ): Oh.

Boy, this beats Chicago in the winter.

Death Valley beats Chicago in the winter.

Maybe I can move my practice here.

Why not? They've got everything else on this cruise ship.

Why not a marriage counselor?

That reminds me. Did you, um...?

Did you call Barney before the ship left L.A.?

Why do I wanna call my ex-husband?

Oh, I don't know.

I had hoped you two might resolve your differences.

You know, dissipate some of that hostility

that came out of the divorce proceedings.

I'm not hostile anymore.

Terry, it's obvious

you still harbor deep feelings of resentment toward Barney.

I do not harbor deep feelings of resentment towards Barney.

I just hate his guts.

You know, sometimes I feel all of your anger towards Barney

is affecting our marriage.

I sometimes think you're not over him yet.

Over him? I'd like to drive a truck over him.

That's not a healthy attitude.

( laughs )

What do you know about attitudes?

You were our marriage counselor.

Boy, did you ever bomb out.

I beg your pardon.

I helped you make a great deal of progress.

We got divorced.

I call that progress. I got you.

( laughs )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Pfft!

My God.

What?

Terry? Terry?

What's wrong? What is happening?

Terry?

Terry, will you talk...?

( muttering )

Will you talk to me here?

Is this some weird religious experience you're having?

Barney's down there. Do you think he saw me?

I didn't hear anybody laugh.

Oh, Jesus. He's gonna ruin our cruise.

Why? I always liked Barney.

Purser? GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.

Can I get off this boat?

Ah, service that bad, huh?

No, no, no, no, no. My wife is just a little upset.

I'm a lot upset!

Um... well, heh,

sir, you see, the captain really needs me now. He, um...

He goes all to pieces when I'm not there

to help him with the steering and all that ship stuff.

Have a nice day. Yeah. Okay.

Good. Come on, baby.

Now, listen. Come... Hold it.

Now, be mature.

You can't avoid Barney for the entire cruise.

Do you wanna bet?

Now, listen to me. You're an intelligent woman.

He's an intelligent man.

This is the perfect time to resolve your differences.

The important thing is to act like an adult.

Right?

You're right.

I'll act like an adult.

( chuckles )

( piano playing )

Hi. Be a good sport and bring Grandma a boilermaker.

I'm sorry, miss, but are you 21 years old?

Keep that up and you'll be able

to retire on your tips this voyage.

Thank you.

I'm Kitty Pickrel.

And what are you girls playing here, hm?

Crazy eights.

Oh, give me them cards.

( tense theme playing )

Get over here, pumpkin.

I want you to meet my two pals.

This handsome twerp is Graham Pickrel,

my grandson.

And these are my new poker buddies.

Oh, do you know what?

I don't know your names.

Kelly Rixie, and this is my sister, Polly.

Well, I gotta go.

What in the world for, honey?

( as The Claw ): You will never get the information out of me.

Never! Do you hear? You swine.

I'm being stabbed 12 times.

I'll never tell.

He's weird.

Cute, but weird.

I don't know where he gets it from.

( all cheering )

JUDY: Oh! BARNEY: Ha-ha!

You're good.

Well, he's a regular William Tell.

I also juggle, figure skate,

and I once pitched a no-hitter for the Yankees.

Really? I lied about the figure skating.

( laughs ) ( groans )

Well, I tried skeet shooting once, I couldn't hit a thing.

Yeah, well, I developed a technique.

It always works.

Keep my right elbow close to my side. Mm-hm.

Not too close.

Left arm is firm, not too firm.

Take a deep breath, line up the shot,

and as I pull the trigger... ( gunshot )

I think of my ex-wife.

Oh, Barney. I know sometimes when people get divorced

they have unhappy memories.

I have happier memories of an ingrown toenail.

It doesn't always have to be like that, Barney,

if you and I got married.

Judy, there are two things I vowed

I would never get into again.

Edsel stock and marriage.

Oh, what she was like.

I mean, she treated me like slime.

Treated my friends worse.

Worse than slime? Yeah, take Harry.

From the sanitation department?

She wouldn't let him in the house.

She let him come in, but she wouldn't let him touch anything.

Do you know what it's like to play poker with a guy

who's standing up and wearing gloves?

Hated my job.

Thought life insurance was morbid.

Well, Barney.

It's only morbid when you're collecting.

The more I think about it, the more steamed up I get.

( tense theme playing )

My, God, there's Terry. ( cocks gun )

Barney, it isn't worth it.

Bet I could have winged her. Barney.

Yeah.

Now, listen, you. Huh?

I know breakfast is not the most romantic meal of the day,

but if I can't get to see you over martinis,

at least I saw you over Rice Krispies.

I thought it was very romantic,

and I got to learn all these little intimate details

about you.

You like strawberries on your cereal,

two sugars in your coffee. ( chuckles )

You're not grumpy in the morning.

How can anybody be grumpy around you?

WOMAN: Hup, hup, hup, hup.

Oh, come on, Jimmy, you call that jogging?

That's not even a brisk walk. Come on.

You wanna see grumpy? Hup, hup, hup, hup...

( dramatic theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Now the Golden Gate Bridge is the longest suspension bridge

in the world. Sorry,

but the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in New York

outspans it by 60 feet.

Except the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in New York,

which outspans it by 60 feet.

Such stimulating conversation.

You have me on the edge of my seat.

( chuckles )

By the way, you two are a very interesting combination.

A grandmother from England and a grandson from Brooklyn.

Well, my daughter couldn't resist a man in uniform.

Ahh.

He was an American soldier stationed in Britain?

No. A bus driver in Brooklyn.

( chuckles )

Actually, there are any number of bridges

longer than the Golden Gate,

but they're not suspension bridges.

Advanced for his years, isn't he?

He's great at being adult,

but he knows nothing about being 12.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Hello, Ms. Pickrel.

KITTY: Oh, hello.

KELLY: Hi, Doc. BRICKER: Hi.

( as The Claw ): The Claw.

Igor, the curse of my royal blood,

it happens only around beautiful women.

Ms. Pickrel, start worrying.

Guess he just doesn't like me.

But he called you a beautiful woman, didn't he?

Come to think of it, he did.

( groans )

What are you doing on my ship?

I'm taking a friend on a cruise.

What are you doing on my ship?

Having a very enjoyable trip with my second husband.

A man, by the way, who makes you look like chopped liver.

You ought to meet my girlfriend.

She's young... and attractive.

I saw her.

How many years before she graduates high school?

She has a masters in Anthropology. She's intelligent.

And she's with you?

Couldn't you have taken the plane?

Why couldn't you have used your broom?

If you had any character, you'd get off this ship.

What do you want me to do, jump overboard?

Yeah. I'll throw you a rope.

Both ends.

( groans )

Barney.

You're not gonna cause any trouble, are you?

What do you mean? Well...

when Ron couldn't straighten out the problems

you and I were having, and...

I ended up with him,

you sort of threatened to rearrange his face.

Me?

I don't go in for physical violence.

If I hit him at all, it'll be very lightly.

Julie? Yes?

Can I talk to you woman to woman?

Absolutely.

Well, I can't really talk to my father

about something like this, so...

Okay. Shoot.

You went through puberty, right?

Yes. There's some people I know who think I'm still in it,

but yes, I did.

And when it was over, did you know how to handle boys?

That's a tough question,

because there are some boys that you just sort of

instinctively know how to handle, right?

And there are some boys that you learn how to handle.

And other boys you never figure out.

Oh.

That wasn't much help, was it?

Well, what do you do with someone

who's the most grown-up person in the world one minute,

and the next minute he's acting like a 6 year old?

Graham, huh?

Yeah. Can't get him into a normal conversation.

Well, there's one thing I learned about men,

regardless of their age, and that is

that they have one favorite topic:

themselves.

So the next chance you get,

ask him a couple of questions about himself.

Well, like, what kind of questions?

You know, what kind of car does he drive?

What's he do for a living?

Julie, he's only 12.

Oh.

Well, you know what I mean.

You really think it'll work?

It usually does.

Okay, I'll try.

Well, you see, there's this very attractive girl on board.

Yeah? Which one?

Oh, you mean that little girl, Kelly.

Yeah. Right.

Every time I see her, I feel like my brains fell out.

I never know what to say.

Hey, that's easy. Flatter her.

There isn't a woman in the world

who doesn't like to hear how nice she looks.

You tell her how nice she looks.

Is that all I have to do?

Take it from me.

I've been very successful with women.

I've been married four times.

( dramatic theme playing )

Good evening. Good evening.

Isn't this exciting?

Imagine, sitting at the captain's table.

Oh, this is gonna be such fun.

Provided we don't run into Barney.

Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that.

They don't serve French fries and Quarter Pounders here.

Is there another captain's table?

Wish there were.

Of course, you'll do the gentlemanly thing

and sit somewhere else.

Of course, you'll do the polite thing and take a hike.

Hello, Barney.

Um, long time no see.

Hi, Ron. How's the fake marriage counselor business?

Heh-heh. Barney, charming as ever.

Uh, we've not been introduced.

I'm Ron Larson, Terry's husband.

Judy Watson. My wife, Terry.

How do you do? How do you do?

I believe you know Barney.

Oh, do I know Barney.

Good evening. I'm Captain Stubing. Hello.

It's nice to have you on the ship again,

Mr. and Mrs. Green. Good evening. We're the Larsons.

Aha. Hello.

Hello. Judy Watson, Barney Mason.

And they were just leaving.

Oh, was it something I said?

That's just Mrs. Larson's feeble attempt at humor.

Barney.

Oh, please, um, have a seat.

Have two.

( laughter )

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

An ancient nautical tradition.

Captain's orders.

That's nice.

Yes.

Good, good.

Now... here we are all together.

Terry? Mm-hm?

I must tell you how great the house is.

What house? I live with Barney.

Oh, our house.

I mean, that house.

JUDY: You have such super taste.

I really hate to change anything.

Especially in the dining room.

All that wonderful marble and chrome and leather.

What really makes that room for me

is the black-and-white tile floor.

Yes, it did.

"Did"? Well, it started to buckle,

so Barney replaced it with AstroTurf.

AstroTurf in my dining room?

That's very practical.

You can hose it down.

And it's our dining room.

He's right, you know.

Who asked you?

Ahem. Well, uh, how are you all enjoying the cruise?

Swell.

Delightful. Terrific.

AstroTurf.

Good, good.

Now, yeah, we'll begin with two bottles of Verdicchio, please.

Hm-hm.

Well, I hope that you're all taking advantage

of our wonderful facilities.

There's something for everybody on board.

Is there a guillotine?

Uh, J-Judy, have you ever been on a cruise before?

No. I love it.

We never went on a cruise.

What are you complaining about? We're on one now.

What are you eating, dear? Oh, I don't know.

Somebody's made me lose my appetite.

I know the feeling.

You two are ruining my evening.

I know the feeling.

Ladies and gentlemen... ( taps glass )

may I make a suggestion?

Let's pretend...

this is the First World War

and it's Christmas.

Poor guy's been at sea too long.

Now you two are the Huns, you are the doughboys,

and for this holiday,

you lay down your arms just like they did.

That's a good suggestion.

Well... I'm willing.

STUBING: There will be no shooting at each other.

No secret attacks, no dropping bombs.

How about lobbing a little grenade?

Terry.

I'm willing if you're willing.

( stammers )

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

Uh, what are you two doing after dinner?

Maybe we all can do something together.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we'll go dancing or to the casino.

Maybe we'll just hang around the trench

and swap war stories with the rest of the Huns.

( laughter )

"Dear Kelly, we would be eternally grateful

if you would join us for an evening of nightclubbing."

Who's that?

Quit pestering me.

"Eight-thirty tonight.

We will be the one with the carnation in our nostril."

( laughs )

"Love, The Claw, alias Graham D. Pickrel.

I-I."

The Second, you dope.

Damn. I'm gonna tell that you swore.

I've heard you say worse than that.

Not me. I'm only 10.

Well, la-di-da-da.

Can I ask you a question? What?

Can I drop a water bomb on Graham when he gets here?

Grandma!

Grandma, look.

Why, honey, that's a pimple.

A pimple?

A pimple. Now?

Well, you have to get one sooner or later.

Sooner okay, later okay, but tonight?

Honey, you look fine.

That old pimple looks like a freckle.

You're the only one that'll notice it.

Why did I write that stupid note?

I wish I was in prison.

Clyde, it's time for you to shape up.

Now come on.

Put your coat on... and shove off.

I'll go, I'll go.

I'll go get drunk. You'll never see me again.

I'll wash up on the Mexican coast someday.

( playful theme playing )

I, uh... I thought I'd better spare you the water bomb

Polly was gonna drop on you.

( jazz music playing, people chattering )

Table for two? Yes.

Right this way.

Thank you. Okay.

( clears throat )

Why, thank you, sir.

You know, this is gonna come in handy

if I ever catch a cold.

GRAHAM: Well, the dollar's here someplace.

Well, don't worry about it, champ. Don't worry.

I think that moment slid by.

Enjoy your table.

( funk music playing )

What school do you go to?

Hawthorne.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Um... do you like sports?

Yes.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

( sighs )

What's your favorite subject in school?

Public speaking.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry. Really.

Heh-heh! Yeah, well, that's cool, man. That's cool.

Listen, it's a lucky thing I saved that Kleenex

you gave me.

Why don't you tell him how nice he looks tonight?

Oh, those poor kids.

They are not getting along at all.

What are you so mad about?

All I said was you look very nice tonight.

That's all you said.

Doesn't anything interesting ever happen in school?

Yeah. There's this girl in my class,

and one day somebody barfed in her galoshes.

Oh, gross.

You better go back to "You look very nice tonight."

Oh, yeah?

Well, to tell you the truth, you don't look so great.

And that black gook on your eyes is an embarrassing mess.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's better than having a big zit on your lip.

Check, please.

And don't forget to leave the waiter some Kleenex.

( dramatic theme playing )

What happened?

He hates me.

( melancholy theme playing )

( sobbing )

( mellow theme playing )

I'm sorry I'm so late.

It's the only time I can get free.

Well, that's okay.

I just want you to realize

that I don't usually go to a guy's cabin

at 2:00 in the morning.

Not on the first date.

I know.

But Julie, when else are we gonna find time to be alone,

and a place to be alone? ( sighs )

I wanna hold you in my arms and kiss you.

MAN: Deal the cards, Mama.

Why in my cabin?

Well, we... We were gonna play at Harry's,

but you know how it is.

Harry is... entertaining.

( all laughing )

Come on, Jim, laddie, take a hand.

Well, ante up.

Well, you know what they say:

Lucky in cards... ( playful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

I gotta tell you, I never thought this cruise

would last three hours, let alone three days.

I guess Barney's a nicer person than I remembered, I guess.

Terry, darling, come on.

We're meeting Judy and Barney in the bar in five minutes.

I'll be right there. I just, uh... Ha-ha.

I can't put this book down.

What are you reading?

Oh, you know, that new bestseller,

Executive Trash.

I thought you'd finished that.

I did. Now I'm going back to read the parts

that have the story.

Darling, please, come on. We're late.

You go ahead. I'll just be a minute.

There are only about 11 clean pages.

( mellow theme playing )

Ah. This is incredible.

Um, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Fine. And you, sir?

Uh, yeah. Whiskey sour.

Fine. And you, sir?

That sounds good. Whiskey sour.

I'd better write that down, so I don't forget it.

( light laughter )

Where's Terry?

Terry is always late.

You gotta light a stick of dynamite under her

to get her moving.

JULIE (over PA ): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Just a reminder: jackpot bingo

will begin in the Acapulco Lounge in ten minutes.

The pot is now $1,000.

( inhales ) Come on, let's go.

( rubs hands together ) I feel lucky.

Besides I could use a thousand dollars.

( scoffs )

I hate to tell you this, Judy,

but, uh, I'm feeling very lucky too.

And I am probably the best bingo player

of all the left-handed marriage counselors I know.

Uh... now, who gets the whiskey sour?

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

How about you? Wanna play a little bingo?

No.

My doctor warned me against skydiving and bingo.

Too much excitement.

Uh, where is Terry?

Did she go back to Chicago for her dress?

Listen, why don't you two go play bingo,

and I'll wait for Terry, and you can meet us here later.

Thanks, pal. If you're looking for us, we'll be easy to spot.

We'll be the couple with all the money.

( chuckles ) Oh, yeah.

Bye, Barney. Bye, honey.

( knock on door ) Who is it?

BARNEY: Peter Rabbit.

( laughs ): Come in, Barney.

( sighs ) You haven't changed.

Right on time. Thirty minutes late.

I'm sorry. ( scoffs )

I don't know, sometimes I think

my head's in a different time zone

from the rest of the world.

( mellow theme playing )

Well, it was worth the wait.

You look terrific.

You always had great taste.

Eh.

Is that the same jacket?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the one you gave me.

Our fifth Christmas together.

And I still love it.

I still hate it.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Why'd you give it to me?

I don't know. It looked good on the dummy.

( laughs )

Thought it looked good on me. Oh, come on now, Barney.

You're no dummy.

As a matter of fact, you're a terrific guy.

Wanna go?

Yes. Uh... Oh, could you just, heh, help me with my zipper?

Sure.

You're wearing Shalimar, aren't you?

Yes. ( chuckles )

You were wearing that the night I met you, remember?

Mm-hm. Shalimar, An Evening in Paris and Chanel No. 5.

I worked in a drugstore.

You always had the softest hair.

Barney, I... I think that, uh, we'd better...

Better what?

Go.

Oh, yeah.

( romantic theme playing )

Now, is your Mr. Wright gonna stand you up again?

No.

Today, Mr. Wright is right on time.

Hi, Julie. Hi, Jim.

I'm beat.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it yesterday,

but those old folks ran me ragged.

I don't know where they get the energy.

It seems that the sea air does wonders for them.

( chuckles )

I think one of those iced teas would do wonders for me.

Coming up. Thanks.

Seeing you does wonders for me too.

Ooh. If you're trying to

sweep me off my feet, it's working.

Mm. I mean it.

All day long I've been thinking about being with you.

Just sharing a quiet moment, just the two of us.

( bagpipes, whistles playing )

You're about to hear...

a word that you've never heard any Scotsman say before.

Give me an Irish whiskey.

No.

( Scottish accent ): The drinks are on me.

( laughter )

( playful theme playing )

Clyde.

I want to talk with you.

You're acting like a 12 year old.

Well, I can wait here as long as you can.

( gasps )

Okay. Nobody talk but me.

Kelly Rixie...

this simple-minded boy has turned into lousy company.

And I hear from little birds here and there

that you're not any prize either.

Now, you two dingbats

go back to being friends like civilized folks,

or else... ( gasps )

Hey!

I haven't finished my soup!

( playful theme playing )

Did they ever find out, uh... who...

in that girl's galoshes?

No.

Think about it for a minute.

What motive could someone have to do a thing like that?

Revenge, right?

Wrong.

Lucille Rumbo was a perfectly harmless girl.

She couldn't even hurt a flea.

Aha. There's your answer, Watson.

Who logically would get revenge

on someone who couldn't hurt a flea?

Lucille Dumbo's own dog.

Holmes, I think you've got it.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Elementary.

I didn't plan on this.

( scoffs )

Neither did I.

I don't know what came over me.

Put my arms around you, and...

it was like we were still married.

Yeah.

You think we made a mistake?

Uh, yeah, we made a hell of a mistake.

I'm not married to you anymore. No.

I mean, do you think we were wrong about splitting up?

Come on, we had a lot going for us. Why...? ( gasps )

Why did we rush blindly into divorce?

Oh... Barney, we split and reconciled three times.

That's hardly rushing blindly.

Life was not a poem, Barn.

Wasn't this poetry, huh?

Oh, sex isn't everything.

Well, it sure beats whatever's in second place.

What about sharing?

What about respect for the other person's feelings?

What about unselfish devotion?

I'd rate them about 27, 28 and 29.

I just figured something out.

The reason I've been so angry with you since our divorce

is because I still felt something for you.

I didn't understand why we couldn't work it out,

and now I understand.

What I felt for you was just some leftover passion.

What I have with Ron is much more than that.

How's he in the poetry department?

You'll never change.

Some people don't want me to change.

Well, some people don't know you as well as I do.

Judy happens to think I'm the living end. How about that?

Oh, well, so did I the first week we were married.

Ye... Come on. One week out of ten years?!

Well, there might have been some other odd moments.

Thank you very much. That does a lot for my ego.

Barney, you are what you are.

What's that?

A very selfish guy whose only concern is himself.

What do you think you are?

St. Francis of Assisi?

Oh, my God.

We've been here for over an hour.

Come on, hurry up, get dressed. Yes.

I mean now. Don't do your slow-motion act.

Don't boss me, I'm not your wife!

Well, that's the luckiest break of my life.

You're lucky? I feel like I won the Irish sweepstakes.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

It's a shame, isn't it?

What?

What we've got that's good is very good, and...

Tsk. What we've got that's bad is really rotten.

Yeah.

Tsk.

Nobody said we were perfect.

You're certainly not.

( laughs )

( chuckles )

You know, I really like you.

( laughs )

I just can't stand you.

I think I hate you too.

( laughs )

What you have to remember

is that hairless dalmatians don't get fleas.

You mean... Ha-ha! Yes, Watson. Stop giggling.

Lucille Dumbo has fleas.

And you made the whole thing up

so I wouldn't hate you anymore.

♪ Sha-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na ♪

♪ Shaboom ♪

( mellow theme playing )

GRAHAM: I wish this cruise wasn't going to end tomorrow.

KELLY: Yeah.

We got off to a great start, huh?

GRAHAM: We were both nervous.

Speak for yourself.

Who gave the waiter a piece of Kleenex, huh?

( laughs )

You know what I think?

What?

I think I, uh... Yeah?

Did you ever kiss anybody before?

Have you?

No.

( upbeat theme playing )

( funk music playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

Sit down on the couch.

( sighs )

Hey. Dinner was great.

I haven't eaten alone since yesterday.

I'm sorry, Julie. Really am.

But the gang got me involved in a marathon Ping-Pong tournament.

Oh? How'd you do?

How else? I lost. Mm.

Ten games, 6 pounds. Ooh.

Am I losing you too?

No.

Come on, Jimmy boy, let's boogie.

A-after the dance.

You won't live that long.

( romantic theme playing )

( knock on door )

JIM: It's me, Jim.

Just a second.

You look terrible.

I don't feel terrible.

I feel miserable.

( sighs )

Aw, come cheer me up.

Let me fix you a drink first, okay?

Mm. Good. Good.

Would you believe that they are still down there dancing...

and the band left an hour ago.

You know, I was about to give up on this whole thing.

( putting ice in glasses )

But then I realized that...

business comes first.

I just thank goodness

we've finally got a moment to ourselves.

You know, it's our last night, and we only got in one kiss.

I'm eligible for the Doris Day award.

There's so many things I don't know about you,

like what schools you went to, what kind of sports you like.

Jim?

( snoring )

Jim?

( sighs ) You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Cheers.

STUBING ( over PA ): The Princess will be arriving in Los Angeles in 30 minutes.

I didn't wear half these things.

You should've remembered the old rule:

You bring half as many clothes and twice as much money.

( chuckles )

Ron, can I tell you something? Mm-hm.

I think you're a very intelligent man.

If I were that smart I would have brought half the clothes.

I mean it.

( melancholy theme playing )

Remember when you told me that I should confront Barney...

and get whatever feelings I had for him out in the open?

Resolve the situation?

Um, yeah.

( sighs )

Well...

( sighs )

( voice breaking ): Well, uh...

I love you very much.

That's all you have to say.

( upbeat theme playing )

I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you too.

Yesterday was the greatest day of my life.

Mine too.

We have to see each other when we get back, okay?

Yeah.

Well, goodbye, Kelly.

Goodbye.

I love you.

What?

I love you.

Oh.

Well, aren't you gonna say it back?

Um...

( as The Claw ): Ze Claw. We apologize to the charming lady,

but there is no time to waste.

We must stop the plot against the king.

KITTY: Come on, Graham!

It's time to get ready.

( mellow theme playing )

( normal voice ): Goodbye.

( seagulls cawing )

Boys.

( sighs )

In about 30 minutes...

this cruise is gonna be over.

How would you describe this whirlwind romance? Hm.

Kind of like ships that pass in the night.

More like ships that pass out in the night.

( both laugh )

I promise you, when I see you in L.A.,

that I'll stay awake for the entire date.

We still have those 30 minutes.

( man coughs )

You wanna bet?

Uh... W-we... We've come to tell you something.

We, uh... Go ahead, t-tell him.

Me? Me? Oh, uh, well, uh, my sister and I...

All right, I'll tell him.

We came to say we're sorry.

We know if we hadn't monopolized Jimmy boy,

you and he would have, as they say in our day...

No, we never said that in our day.

( laughs ) You don't have to apologize, Miss Svenson.

Oh, I'm not. I'm explaining.

You see, at the Golden Ages Home where we live...

Oh, it's nice, but..

It's dull.

So once a year we go away and raise Cain.

I-if we did it twice a year,

they'd take away the warranty on my pacemaker.

( all laughing )

So we were selfish.

Our fun got in the way of yours.

We're sorry, but we're realistic.

You've got more time than we do.

Oh. Don't say that.

We don't want you to feel sorry for us.

We just want you to understand.

We understand. Believe me.

( uplifting theme playing )

JIM: Well...

I, um...

better get the group ready to go ashore.

I'll be in touch.

Yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, Kelly, how'd everything work out?

Well...

I guess he's just one of those guys

you never quite figure out.

GRAHAM: Kelly! Hey, Kelly!

That thing you said you do.

Well, I do too. I really do.

What's he mean by that?

( Claw voice ): The girlfriend of The Claw will never tell you that information.

She will die first.

( both grunting, growling )

( laughs )

Judy, it was really nice meeting you.

But we should have won that bingo game.

Yeah. I think that little old lady rigged it.

Ah.

Hey, Ron, I gotta tell you something. You're not a bad guy.

I mean, you're a lousy marriage counselor,

but you're not a bad guy. Thanks.

Let's hope Judy and I never have to do business with you.

Are you getting married?

Yeah, I need a tax break.

( laughs )

I love her.

TERRY: Congratulations. Thanks.

And good luck. JUDY: Thank you.

Uh, we ought to get going. Yes, we should.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )