Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard ♪

♪ It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing )

You're sure you don't mind me going alone?

Why would I? You've always

been able to take care of yourself.

I know. I've had lots of practice.

Janette, please.

You know this is a particularly difficult time

for me to be away from the office.

It's always a bad time.

Ever since we've been married.

Christmas is a bad time. Easter's a bad time.

Summer's a bad time.

Somebody has to pay the bills.

The expensive penthouse apartment, the summer house,

the fancy cars.

They all cost money.

I don't give a damn about those things, Lucas.

Listen, you don't...

You don't have to go on this cruise, you know.

I mean, nobody's forcing you.

I do have to go. I have some thinking to do.

Well, um...

I'd better be heading back to town.

Aren't you gonna walk me to my cabin?

No, I'm sure it's fine.

Besides, I don't want to hit the freeway traffic.

You take care of yourself, huh?

Guess I'll have to.

( melancholy theme playing )

Well, did you get a good look at her?

Yes.

Tell me, what makes you suspect

she's running off to meet a lover?

That is my business.

I'm just paying you to watch.

It's your money.

I just want a full report in my office next week.

You'll collect your fee, I'll collect my facts,

and we'll never have to

set eyes on each other again.

That'll suit me fine, Mr. Bradford.

( dramatic theme playing )

Look at that thing.

Everybody outside there is having a good time,

laughing and throwing confetti.

What did you do with my camera?

I had to throw something.

You see that, Stella. Very nice.

That's the kind of thing that's caused our marriage to go:

Our marriage hasn't gone:

Our marriage has gone:

Ah. Welcome to the club Alidante.

Hello. I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

I'm here to see you have a good time.

Well, where have you been for the past 23 years, honey?

Ah, we're the Marshalls. Um...

you've probably heard of me.

Maurice Marshall, The Sausage King.

JULIE: Oh, what a cute card. It's shaped like a little sausage.

You ought to see his legs.

( laughs )

Uh, you're in Suite 358 on the Aloha Deck.

You go up the stairs and out. Oh.

I hope you and the king have a very romantic cruise.

Honey, for the past ten years,

the king has been dead.

I'd rather be dead than closed for repairs.

Hold it. Now you see?

Now you see what you're doing?

We're starting all over again. You're right, you're right.

We're just trying to keep a marriage from going sour.

And bitter. And ugly.

And repulsive.

And nauseating.

But all we have is each other.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Joanne, please, we can work this out.

Can't you get it through your head?

I don't want this to work out.

Okay, okay. Maybe you don't love me right now.

Dale, I never loved you.

Joanne, we had a relationship.

No. You had a relationship.

We had a week at your uncle's beach house.

For a week at the beach,

I have a relationship with your uncle.

Joanne. Goodbye, Dale.

Joanne, you can't just go off like this

with some guy you met in a car wash.

You don't know anything about him.

I know everything I have to know about him.

He drives a Mercedes. Look, wait...

( scoffs )

( majestic theme playing )

I need a ticket for this cruise. Who do I see?

Oh, sir, I'm sorry, we're completely booked.

Are you sure? Maybe there's a cancellation.

People do that all the time.

They make reservations and they don't show up.

Well, yes, I know, sir. But on our cruises

all passengers pay in advance in full.

If they're alive, they show up.

Oh, well. Maybe somebody died.

Uh, would you check for me, please?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

You're in luck. Somebody died?

No. Uh, cancelled.

But I'm afraid you can't have it.

Why? I'm a nice person. I know how to act on a ship.

I won't make a nuisance of myself.

I won't eat with my hands.

I'm sure you won't, sir.

Then sell me a ticket.

I can't. You're a man.

What's wrong with being a man? Nothing, sir.

I happen to be of the male persuasion myself,

but these particular accommodations

involve sharing the cabin with another passenger.

And she happens to be a woman,

which means we have to sell the space to another woman.

I understand, but now let me ask you something.

What if... Sir, hold it...

W-w-what if... What if... Sir.

Uh, company policy.

We do provide entertainment, but only in the public rooms.

I had to be a man. You wanna trade?

( mischievous theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): Welcome aboard the Princess, ladies and gentlemen.

Our five-day cruise will depart shortly for Puerto Vallarta,

Cabo San Lucas and Ensenada.

( foghorn blares )

( in high-pitched voice ): Oh. Hi. Um...

is the, uh, bingo...?

Never mind, I'll find it.

You're a lucky young lady, Miss Riley.

A man wanted this space, but I couldn't sell it to him.

Just be thankful you're a woman.

Oh, I am. Believe me.

I enjoy being a girl.

I bet you the boys enjoy it too.

Only if I let them.

( both laugh )

( inhales )

Be still my foolish heart.

( foghorn blares )

( upbeat theme playing )

( people chattering )

( people cheering )

( foghorn blows )

Oh.

Yes?

Oh, uh, heh, yes,

I think I'm supposed to be staying here.

Oh.

( sobbing )

Of course, I could always come back later.

Or I could find another room.

No, no, no. It's not you.

How do you do?

My name is Susan Ridgeley.

Hello, I'm pleased to meet you.

My name's Dale. Dale Riley.

Dale. Well, I'm... I'm sorry that I'm acting this way.

It's just that, uh, this, uh...

This... ( sobbing ): This is my honeymoon.

Shouldn't there be somebody else here?

Yes.

Jerry.

But he didn't show up for the honeymoon.

He didn't even show up for the wedding.

He didn't go to his own wedding?

No.

I can't believe that.

We waited for two hours.

All the candles burnt down.

( sobbing ): And the organist was playing requests.

Oh, that's awful.

Yeah.

But I'm sure there must be an explanation.

There is. Hm?

On his way to the wedding... Yeah?

He stopped off to pick up his tuxedo...

Mm-hm.

And he ran off with the girl

who rented it to him.

See, I told you there was an explanation.

( giggles ) Oh, the man is an idiot.

I know.

But I love him.

I can't live without him.

No matter what lousy thing he does to me.

So... ( sighs )

I know what you mean.

You do? Sure.

You see I was sort of jilted myself.

What's his name?

Joanne.

Joe "an'" so I know what you mean.

Oh. Well...

I guess you and I have a lot in common.

Yeah, we're both just a couple of lovesick girls.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna take a shower.

Here?

No, silly. ( sniffles )

In the bathroom.

Oh.

( door opens )

( dramatic theme playing )

( mellow jazz music playing )

( people chattering )

Isaac here must be the best bartender on the ship,

because he always pours you doubles.

And he always charges you double.

All right. ( both laugh )

Say, freshen that drink up for you?

No, thanks.

You know, you keep sipping that drink like that,

and I'm gonna have to have you arrested for loitering.

Uh, we're Carl and Linda Daggett.

Dennis Kingsley.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I noticed you sitting alone.

Would you care to dance? No, thank you.

I... I'm expecting someone. Lucky guy.

But thank you for asking.

Well, that's it for me.

Good night, Isaac.

You know, after you've been in this business awhile,

you get what's known as bartender's ears.

And these bartender's ears could have sworn they heard you say

you were expecting someone.

From now on, I'll have to remember to whisper

around those ears. ( both chuckle )

I just didn't want to hurt the man's feelings.

Oh, I dig. That's like my grandfather used to say.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Well... he wasn't the first to say it.

Mm-hm.

Good night, Isaac. Good night.

( mellow theme playing )

( playful theme playing )

I'm sorry, sir, but there's no Joanne Dressen

on my passenger list.

Well, she's probably using his name.

She's using his name?

Well, I mean, she's with a man, uh,

Peter something, uh...

Another P, I think, like Piper.

You don't have any Peter Pipers do you?

I have a Peter Pringle. That's it. Peter Pringle.

Picked a peck of peppered shingles.

Sorry. Uh, Pringle, Mr. and Mrs.

That's Cabin E214. ( splash from pool )

Two-one-four. Thanks.

By the way, they're not Mr. and Mrs.

Don't you have some kind of a rule about that?

No. Not unless one of them complains.

( playful theme playing )

You're making this awful hard, boy.

That's good. Uh-huh.

Now, now, take the red queen, put it on the black king.

Mm-hm. That's fine.

Good.

And now the black six on the red seven. That's good.

And now you can move the red five

from the third column.

Bloody Mary. Mm-hm.

And now the black six

goes on the red seven.

Mm-hm. And now you can move

the red five from the third column.

And start a new column with a king.

Hey, you're doing great.

Oh, I didn't know I was playing.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't resist kibitzing.

You've given the word "solitaire" a whole new meaning.

( laughs )

Busy, Adam?

Oh. H-hi. A-any time you say.

Uh, Janette, this is, uh, Greta Wilkes.

I promised to take her on a tour of the ship.

Poor doctors. You're always on call.

Well, somebody's gotta do it.

You're lucky this isn't Wednesday.

I'd be playing golf.

( melancholy theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

That's a linen closet. Oh. Oh. Ho-ho-ho.

Yes, I know. Silly me. I...

I thought it was the powder room.

Yes, but, uh, it says linen.

Oh, yes, but when I'm in a hurry for the ladies' restroom,

I don't have time to read.

You know how we girls are. Excuse me.

Oh, yes, yes, I know. ( chuckles )

But I must say it's refreshing to find

a young lady these days who will admit it.

Yes. ( clears throat )

Isn't it a crime these days what they're doing to the sexes?

Sad. Very sad.

If things keep going on like this,

we could all end up just one big sex.

Mm. Better than no sex at all.

I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Well, I... I don't know.

It's such a big ship and all. Ah.

Not when you're the captain.

( playful theme playing )

Oh, babyface, my dearest darling, dreamboat,

it's dinnertime.

Coming, kitten.

Well...?

Hey, come on. Get dressed. We're gonna be late.

Think I got all day?

( chuckles ): Look, I'm only kidding.

You look beautiful. Just beautiful.

Mwah!

Let's go.

Oh, almost forgot.

Thought the captain might like one of these party packs

of assorted sausages.

Why?

Do you think if he was coming to our house

he would bring us a boat?

Come on. Everybody likes Sausage King sausages.

Put 'em in your pocketbook.

I don't wanna put 'em in my pocket

because it'll spoil the line of my tux.

Oh.

Come on. I'm ready. I'm ready.

Oh, come on. Come on. You holding things up...

( sighs ) You know...

I think this cruise is just what our marriage needed, darling.

Yes. We should have done this a long time ago, sweetheart.

I told you. I've been saying...

Good evening. Ah, good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

It's my favorite. Now, don't tell me.

What is that?

Chanel N°5. Oh.

I thought I smelled sausage.

( laughs )

( playful theme playing )

Here. You take 'em.

There's nothing wrong with sausage.

Can't you complete just one sentence

without using the word "sausage"?

Oh! I didn't know it bothered you that much.

It didn't seem to bother you when sausages

was buying you diamonds and minks.

Oh, no. You loved sausages then, didn't you?

Forget it.

I'm going back to the room.

No, you don't. We promised to be good to each other.

That's why I'm going back to the room,

because if I stay here any longer,

I'll kill you.

No. We're gonna eat with the captain.

I'm going back to the room!

( ominous theme playing )

Now look what you've done. We're stuck.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, shut up and enjoy the sea air.

( piano playing, people chattering )

Good evening.

Hey, Doc. I can fix you up with that redhead.

On the last night of the cruise, maybe.

Not yet.

Oh. Oh!

I'm sorry. I'll let you do that.

Thank you for being so nice. There you go.

Uh, we'd like a nice French red wine, please.

Something a little bubbly.

Thank you.

I shouldn't have come.

I mean, it's crazy.

A honeymoon for one.

Look on the bright side.

When you get home, you'll be well rested.

Jerry was always unpredictable.

We were at a drive-in movie once,

and I went to the snack bar,

and when I got back the girl from the box office

was in the car with him.

Can you imagine?

I had to stand there eating buttered popcorn

till the movie was over.

Hm.

When you love someone you do dumb things.

Degrading things.

Tell me about it.

( glasses clink )

Do you know them?

No. ( knuckles crack )

I think he's beautiful.

Maybe a little too beautiful, if you know what I mean.

No way.

Straight arrow.

What? You can tell by looking at him?

I can tell by the way she's looking at him.

It's the same way I used to look at Jerry.

What's the matter, honey?!

Haven't you ever seen red hair before?

I wasn't talking to you.

( dramatic theme playing )

MAURICE: Hello, hello, hello.

We're stuck in the elevator!

Oh, they can't hear me.

They don't know how lucky they are.

( mutters indistinctly )

Push the emergency button. I pushed it four times.

You see the crowd and the traffic?

If you was any kind of man, you'd get us out of here.

( sighs )

Well, then, I have to force open the trap door.

Give me a boost. What?

Just cup your hands together,

I'll step in 'em, and you boost me up to the roof.

Okay.

( groans )

You ready? Yeah.

Okay. All right, a little higher.

You're stepping on my fingers. Lift me up.

If I could lift you, I would've

thrown you overboard this afternoon.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got a better idea.

You lift me.

( sighs )

( mischievous theme playing )

Okay. Let me see.

Ugh, easy.

Okay, ready? Ready?

Yeah. Ah!

Okay. Ah!

( groans )

What'll I do now?

Well, force open the trap door, climb onto the roof,

shimmy up the cable,

swing over to the door on the next floor,

pry it open, and then call for help.

Let me down, fool.

I'd rather you step on my fingers.

( groans )

Oh, my pearls! My pearls!

You broke my pearls!

Your pearls? What about my back?

STELLA: You must be some kind of new fool.

( classical music playing, people chattering )

I hate anything with starch in it.

I look like a penguin.

Hm. Carl's still waiting for the night they allow pajama tops

in the dining room.

You know, I kind of enjoy getting into this thing.

Makes me feel like it's gonna be a big night.

A big night for penguins.

Stop complaining.

You've got the feet to match.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, honey. Honey.

Oh, Dennis, I hope you don't mind.

But we invited a terrific gal we met

at the pool today to join us for dinner.

You'd better warn her to be careful.

The stretch runner's about to hit his stride.

( all laugh )

Oh, here she is.

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

Hi, Janette. Hi.

Say hello to Dennis Kingsley.

Dennis, Janette Bradford.

How are you? Nice to know you.

You look beautiful tonight.

Oh, thank you.

Don't you just love getting dressed for dinner.

It makes me feel so festive.

Yes, uh, Dennis just said the same thing.

Well, we lovers of elegance had better stick together.

Wine? Oh, I'd love some.

It's a very good year.

What better way to start a very good evening.

To a festive night. Oh.

( glasses clinking )

( upbeat theme playing )

How about that. She's warm for your form.

I'd rather give my body to science.

It's stuck between floors, sir. ( sighs )

The electrician said it's a short in the wiring.

I thought I smelled insulation burning.

I thought I smelled sausages.

KINGSLEY: So I look out the kitchen window,

and there's my little girl Missy, who's 6,

sitting there very quietly holding a tin can on her head.

While her brother, Mark, who's 9,

bangs on top of the can with a shovel. Oh.

But she just sat there, she didn't say a word.

So I run outside and I say to her:

"How can you sit there like that?

How can you sit there and let him do that to you?"

And she just looks up at me

with those innocent little eyes and says:

"It's okay, Daddy, he's almost through."

( laughs )

Oh, they sound terrific. Are there just the two?

Oh, are you kidding?

For your sake, I hope those all aren't children.

Yeah, well, they're not. One's a credit card.

That's how I paid for the children.

( laughs )

There's Missy. You can tell from the dent in her head.

( giggles )

That's Mark. And those are the twins,

Amy and Jennifer. They're 4.

Huh. You'd better hold onto that credit card.

You're gonna need it.

Oh. Is that your wife? Mm.

She died two years ago.

If it weren't for the kids, I never would've made it.

We were pretty close.

She's very beautiful.

Mm. And fun. We did everything together.

Took courses, played tennis,

listened to music, went for long walks.

That's the way it should be.

Huh. It's funny.

This is the first time I ever took a trip without her.

We both hated to travel alone.

( sighs )

I'm sorry. That... That was stupid of me.

Why, that's all right.

My husband would've come, but he's very busy.

I think he's very foolish.

Well... it's been lovely.

Thank you for a nice evening.

My pleasure.

Well, say, why don't we have one dance?

Oh, I don't know. Well, come on now.

We didn't put these glad rags on for nothing, did we?

Besides, if we don't join Carl and Linda, you know,

they're gonna think we fell overboard.

Okay.

Shall we? ( laughs ): All right.

( mellow jazz music playing )

( chattering indistinctly )

Remember what I said about one dance?

Mm-hm. I lied.

I really meant 11.

( sobbing ): I don't want to be alive.

Oh. Yes, you do.

No. I can't live without Jerry.

Yeah... Well, come on, now, you'll find somebody else.

There's nobody in the world like Jerry.

Oh, Su...? Susan? What?

Don't you have a nightgown?

Supposed to be my honeymoon.

I didn't think I'd need a nightgown.

Why are your eyes doing that?

Hm? Oh, that? Oh. Ha.

Well... ( clears throat )

that's just a... A nervous condition.

I'll get you a tranquilizer... No!

That'll just make me more nervous.

Sleep. I need sleep.

Either that or a cold shower.

Can a captain marry a couple at sea?

Sure he can. Perfect.

Then he can divorce us.

Oh. Well, it's too bad he's not trapped in here with us,

because by the time this door is open,

I could walk out of here a free man.

It depends on what you mean, "free."

I've got 20 years invested in this, buster,

and I'm getting my share.

We gonna split it fifty-fifty.

I'll take the car and you take the garage.

No, no, hold, hold. What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot?

Okay. Then you take the garage,

and I'll take the car.

Okay.

It's a deal.

I wanna be fair.

I'll take the kids.

Oh-ho-ho. No, you don't.

Look, I love those kids just as much as you do.

I poured out everything I have inside of me

out for those kids.

We're gonna divide them up too.

You take, uh, what's-his-name,

and I'll take the short one.

The short one?

You don't even remember her name.

What's the difference? I know her when I see her.

I'll bet if we traced our marriage back

to the first insult, we'd find out who's to blame

for this mess we're in now.

That's easy. It was the day we got married.

The minister said, "Is there any reason

why this couple should not be joined in marriage?"

And you said, "Give me a minute. I'll come up with something."

( both laughing )

That was funny. Your mother thought so too.

Oh, by the way... you get to keep your mother.

Now, wait a minute, let's be fair.

( both laughing )

( sighs )

Maury, you don't really want a divorce, do you?

Who would you have to fight with? Tsk.

Well, there's always Jack Dawson down at the plant.

Jack Dawson!

You call him a fighter?

He's not even in my class.

( laughs): Yeah, you're right, and he can't cook.

( laughing ): Neither can I.

Well, how many things can you do with a sausage?

( sighs )

( romantic theme playing )

Maury... when we were in the cabin...

and I was saying how much I loved you,

and you were saying how beautiful I was...

that didn't seem like us.

Do you know what that is, Stell?

Yes.

Some people say it without feeling it,

and some people feel it without saying it.

Yeah.

Maury, just once...

I want to hear you say it

and feel it at the same time.

Oh, I love you, Stell.

( elevator dings )

Mr. and Mrs. Marshall,

my sincere apologies for this inconvenience.

I'm just happy that we finally got you out.

Mm, Chanel N°5.

Sausage.

( majestic theme playing )

( hopeful theme playing )

Here's a book you've got to read.

A Moveable Feast. It's Hemingway's best.

Oh, it's always been my favorite.

You mean you've read it? And I just blew 5 bucks.

Hey, Gopher? Mm-hm?

Got a book for you. It'll change your whole life.

Hey, A Moveable Feast.

Can always use another cookbook.

Sorry, Gopher, that's my book.

It was a present.

Well... Ahem.

( chuckling )

Let's see.

If you're lucky enough to have

lived in Paris as a young man,

then wherever you go for the rest of your life

it stays with you,

for Paris is a moveable feast.

A showoff.

( both chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )

Look, honey, I've gotta make a call. Uh...

Grab some rays,

and then we'll go back to the cabin and, uh,

work up an appetite for lunch, huh?

( chuckles )

Oh, Peter, you're outrageous.

Oh, I love this.

Bye-bye.

( sighs )

If you ask me, I think he's a bozo.

Dale, what are you doing here?

A friend of mine brought me.

I'm having an affair with a 747.

( laughs )

Joanne, look, I don't care what you've done.

I love you and I want you back. Dale.

Please, you don't have to say anything.

I... I forgive you. What in the name. I don't...

I do forgive you running off with this guy,

the do-not-disturb sign,

working up an appetite for lunch, everything.

I love you. And that's all that matters.

Love. You and me together

forever and ever, amen.

Look, Dale. There never was any love.

There never will be any love.

Zero love, Dale. I don't love you.

So what are you trying to tell me?

Dale!

You do love this guy? Who?

Peter Dingle.

Pringle. I don't know.

Why does everything with you have to be love?

Who says I love anybody?

You know what I love?

I love his Mercedes, and not your jalopy.

Goodbye, Dale. And I really mean it this time.

Goodbye.

( dramatic theme playing )

That does it.

You're the luckiest person I know.

How come when I win, it's luck, and when you win, it's skill?

( clears throat )

Let's see. Eighty cents for this game.

That makes 3.90 you owe me.

Three-ninety? Well, I hope you're on Master Charge.

For someone who expected to be miserable,

I'm really having a great time.

I'm glad.

How about another game? Well, I'm game if you're game.

( sighs )

I'm sorry I said that.

Here we go.

( to self ): It would be easy. Just step up on the rail,

jump, and they'd never find my body.

My mother would hate that.

She wouldn't have anything to bury.

( playful theme playing )

Hey!

Don't. Let go.

Why? Dead is a lousy way to live.

Oh, you don't know anything about it.

I know your mother would hate it.

What? Both your parents.

Death always makes 'em feel like failures.

And over what? Some guy. It's not worth it.

Look, I was just about to do

the same thing myself over there.

I know what I'm talking about.

You were? Yes.

And if you kill yourself, I couldn't kill myself.

People would think I'm a copycat.

Let me put it another way.

Have you ever dived off something this high before?

SUSAN: Nope. Well, it's gotta be 100 feet.

You could kill yourself.

You know, you're right. Yeah.

I could kill myself.

Yeah. ( scoffs )

So how about it, lady?

You wanna get down now?

Yeah. Okay. Can I give you a hand?

( laughing ): Yes.

( screams )

( screaming )

( suspenseful theme playing )

MAN ( over loudspeaker ): Man overboard!

( foghorn blaring )

( bell clanging )

( mellow theme playing )

Well, to me it was love, yeah.

But to her it was a week at my uncle's beach house.

That's really cold.

No colder than a guy leaving his bride at the altar

while he tries on a tuxedo.

Not to mention the girl who rents it.

Well, I guess we're both goofers.

Yeah.

( both chuckle )

You know, you haven't even told me your name.

Dale. Dale R... R-R... R-Rhinehart.

Dale?

You're the second Dale I've met on this ship.

Well, my roommate's name is Dale.

Tsk. Susan, uh, we have to talk.

Oh, I'd really love to, Dale.

But I really should find Dale.

Um... the other Dale.

You see, I promised to meet her,

and I don't want her worrying.

She has a nervous condition.

Uh-huh. Well, maybe we can talk over dinner?

Oh, I... I already promised

to have dinner with Dale number one.

I'm sure she'd understand.

But I'd feel terrible.

You see, she's, um... sort of...

not very attractive.

Oh.

How about after dinner?

Oh, I'd like that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Nine o'clock? Great.

All right. I'll see you then.

Maybe even before.

So there we were,

Dale and I, soaking wet in the cabin.

He had just saved my life. And suddenly...

Suddenly it was if Jerry never existed.

Now, maybe this other Dale, um...

( clears throat )

Maybe it's just that he was

in the right place at the right time.

Maybe that's why you think he's attractive. No.

You do think he's attractive, don't you?

Oh. Yes, and kind and strong and...

To tell you the truth, if I hadn't been afraid

that you might walk in, I might've...

I would've...

You wouldn't have.

I know that's not like me at all,

but that's what I wanted to do.

( sighs ) Oh.

You understand.

You're a woman.

Well, I...

I mean, we have feelings like that too.

Sometimes... when you see a total stranger,

you know, like in the supermarket,

and he really does something to you.

But you're a woman,

so you're not supposed to feel things like that,

so you pretend he's not there.

No matter how he makes you feel,

you never do anything about it.

You do something about it at a supermarket,

they won't cash your checks anymore.

( laughs )

Dale... could you do something for me?

Anything. Anything.

Tonight, do you think you could... um...

find someplace else to sleep?

( in regular voice ): Are you ser...

( in high-pitched voice ): Are you serious?

You understand.

Mm-hm.

( exhales )

Well, it's almost 9:00.

Is it? Yes.

I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you.

Oh. Thank you, Dale.

Oh. Oh!

( giggles ): No problem.

Susan, if it'll make you happy,

believe me, it'll make me happy.

( chuckles ) Thanks.

Miss Riley? Yes.

You walked right past my table and didn't even say hello.

Oh, captain, I'm...

Now, you are not trying to ignore me, are you?

Moi? Oh, captain, I was looking for someone...

Miss Riley. Hm?

I think it's time you and I

got to know each other better.

( mellow music playing )

( music ends, applause )

Excuse me, Julie?

Yes?

Julie, I'm waiting for a passenger.

A Mr. Dale Rhinehart, who's late.

Would you by any chance know what cabin he's in?

Well, I don't right offhand,

but I can certainly check for you.

I'll be right back.

Days are going by too quickly.

Yes, they are.

I find myself counting how little is left

rather than how much is ahead.

Tomorrow, Cabo San Lucas, and the next stop, home.

( music ends )

( romantic theme playing )

No. This is wrong.

I was wrong to start something I can't finish.

My heart keeps saying yes...

but I'm old-fashioned, Dennis.

I made a vow once, and that means something to me.

Janette, you...

I couldn't be happy if I deceived Lucas...

no matter how bad my marriage is. Uh...

Y-you do understand that, don't you?

Mm-hm.

Once trust and respect are gone, there's nothing left.

Look, Janette, there's something I have to tell you.

Please, don't tell me anything.

Okay?

Night.

I really appreciate you showing me

the bridge in your office, captain.

Yes, this is where it all happens, Miss Riley.

The buck stops here. Fascinating.

But I do have to go.

But you haven't seen any of my radar equipment.

(laughing ): How much can a girl take in one night?

( laughs )

Uh, Miss Riley. Mm-hm?

A man gets very lonely at sea.

Hm, yes, I can imagine.

We must discuss it sometime tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yes.

Can we discuss it tomorrow?

Tomorrow's one of my favorite days.

It might be one of my favorite days. Oh.

Four bells, my office?

Fine. I'll see you then.

Bye-bye. Bye.

( playful theme playing )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Somebody stole my clothes.

Damn!

Oh, hi. I'm sorry I took so long, but...

there's no Mr. Rhinehart on the ship.

It figures.

You'd think I'd learn by now, wouldn't you?

I mean, all men do is lead you on.

They tell you things that they think you wanna hear,

and you can never believe anything they say.

Do you know what? I bet that he wasn't even

gonna kill himself either! Oh.

Oh, Dale, he didn't show up.

He didn't? No.

Oh, you poor dear.

I thought he was gonna be different.

He turns out to be just as rotten as the rest of 'em.

Not him. Yes.

He's a wonderful person.

From what you've told me about him.

Oh. Come, Susan,

let me take you back to the cabin.

Oh, Dale. What am I gonna do?

Shh-shh-shh-shh. Nobody wants me.

(sobbing ): First Jerry, now Dale.

The other Dale.

Oh, Dale.

Oh, Dale.

( happily ): Oh, Dale!

( mellow theme playing )

JULIE: I had a cinnamon one this morning, it was really good.

Cinnamon and raisins. You have that one?

Yeah?

Ah... Pardon me. Would you like a Danish?

Uh, no. I'm looking for a passenger.

Mr. Dennis Kingsley.

I tried his room, and he wasn't there,

and he wasn't at breakfast today.

No, Mr. Kingsley went ashore.

He decided to fly back to Los Angeles.

( melancholy theme playing )

May I have some juice?

( man replies indistinctly )

Hi. Hi.

I'd like to book passage on this same cruise in two weeks.

Certainly, sir.

Well, you must have really enjoyed it.

Uh, yes, we... I mean, I did, thank you.

Well, it's funny.

I try to meet all the passengers on this ship,

and I don't seem to remember meeting you.

Oh, well, I stayed in my cabin most of the time.

Ah, that's a reservation for Mr...

Uh... But, you know, you do look familiar to me.

Looks familiar to me too, sir.

Yes. Are... Are... Are you sure we haven't met?

Positive.

But I do remember peeking out of my cabin one night

and seeing you by the linen closet with a big redhead.

( titters, clears throat )

Yes, yes. As, uh... ( clears throat )

As I said, uh, I try to meet everyone.

That's a reservation for Mr. and Mrs. Dale Rhinehart.

Oh, you're married? No, but I will be by then.

I'll see you in two weeks.

( in high-pitched voice ): Bye.

( dramatic theme playing )

Couldn't be.

No.

It couldn't be.

( majestic theme playing )

Nice to see you. ( people chattering )

Come back. So long.

Thank you, Julie. It was a wonderful trip.

We really enjoyed it. Oh, good.

Hey, I'm sorry about the elevator.

Oh, forget it. Come on, I'm in a hurry

to get home to my little fellows.

Oh. The children? No, my sausages.

( laughs )

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

Janette, I have to explain.

You don't have anything to explain.

( sighs ) Please, hear me out.

I came back for two reasons.

The first is something I should have told you long ago.

I tried on deck the other night, but...

Look.

Your husband hired me to take this cruise to watch you.

I flew back to Los Angeles and gave him his money back.

I told him you're the best wife

a man could have.

Thank you. Oh.

The second reason I'm here is...

I had to tell you I-I love you.

I know how you must feel, but...

if in time you...

Well... I'll be waiting.

Hi. How did it go?

Hello, Lucas.

Well, how did it go?

Did you, uh...

Did you meet any interesting new people?

Just one man. Your man.

( sighs )

Yes, well, uh...

Look, Janette, uh... why don't we, uh...

Why don't we go back to the house and, uh,

see if we can't talk things out, okay?

There's nothing left to talk about.

In a way, you did me a favor.

I'll check into a hotel.

Goodbye, Lucas.

( melancholy theme playing )

Oh... Taxi!

( upbeat theme playing )

Can I give you a lift?

Yes, I think I need one.

Janette.

It's the least you can do

seeing you still owe me 3.90 from backgammon.

( both chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )