Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( funky upbeat theme playing )

What a great day. ( sighing )

Terrific.

Good morning, captain.

Good morning, captain.

For you maybe. Will you get a haircut.

Yes, sir.

Is it my imagination,

or is Captain Stubing in a rotten mood?

He's in a rotten mood.

But I think I know the reason.

Aubrey and Mrs. Skaugstad?

Yeah, he's one of the directors of the ship's line.

They're sailing with us today.

Ooh. Remind me to make an appointment with the barber.

Uh, make an appointment with the barber.

Thank you. I almost forgot

to make an appointment with the barber.

Here they come out of the starting gate.

( indistinct chatter )

Good morning.

I can walk, dumbo.

( sighs )

We are Mr. and Mrs. Aubrey Skaugstad.

Oh, Mr. Skaugstad,

we've been expecting you.

It's an honor. And Mrs. Skaugstad,

how nice to meet you.

You're in Cabin 348.

That's on the Promenade Deck. Cabin 348.

It's right here on my list. Heh-heh. No problems here.

Well, Mrs. Skaugstad, sir, I'm Yeoman-Purser Smith.

And if there's anything that I can do

to make your voyage a little bit more pleasurable,

please don't hesitate to contact me.

I'm here to serve.

Lord, I love an obsequious runt.

We will see you in our cabin in one hour.

And you can leave the Shirley Temple routine outside.

Aubrey.

( upbeat theme playing )

This is going to be such a fun voyage.

( scoffs )

JULIE: Good morning. Welcome aboard.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

( upbeat theme playing )

Ginny! Ginny! How can you do this to me?

Ginny! Ginny, come back here!

I love you! Don't leave me, woman!

Come back here!

Excuse me. Ginny O'Brien.

Oh, okay.

Uh, yes, uh, O'Brien, A-114.

Welcome aboard, Miss O'Brien.

Don't let her stay on the boat! She's got bugs!

( yelling indistinctly )

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I'm Lorraine Hoffman.

Well, I guess we're, uh, cabinmates.

Hey, is anything wrong?

No.

Well, there was a man after me. I...

Congratulations.

So does he have a friend?

Sir. Excuse me, sir.

Are you a passenger on the ship?

Uh, no, but I'm looking for one: Ginny O'Brien.

Well, I'm sorry, sir. No more visitors.

We're just about to sail.

Yeah, but I gotta see her, just for a minute.

Hey, fella, I'd like to help you out, but rules are rules.

( laughing ): Hey.

I'm sure a man of your stature

can do something... captain.

A little something to help me in this predicament.

Captain?

Aye, aye.

Okay, but just for a minute.

Just for a minute. Right.

A-114.

A-114.

Thank you very much, skipper.

Aye, aye.

How is everything, captain?

Oh, fine, sailor. Shipshape.

Sir. Uh...

Well, sir, what happened was, um, this man...

Well, it was just for a minute, sir, and I...

Well, it's good public relations, wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't.

Well, you're the captain.

Yes, I am.

See, I knew one of us was.

I just always get us mixed up.

Well, I'll return to my post.

Yes.

So did you just wanna get away from it all?

Uh-huh.

I don't think I'm gonna be a real fun cabinmate.

Oh, well, that's okay, uh, just as long

as you're willing to take a little stroll around the deck

in case I happen to be entertaining a gentleman friend.

Oh, sure. No problem.

That's good. I'll do the same for you.

Shazam!

Hey, uh, wait a second.

We were just getting the rules straight. Ha, ha.

Ronald, I told you I didn't wanna see you anymore.

I don't care. I can't let you go.

You mean too much to me.

Not enough to get married.

Hey, now, what's this big thing you got about getting married?

You know, we've been happily living together

for the past two years.

Do you have to advertise it?

Oh, uh, heh-heh. That's okay. Nobody's listening.

Who are you?

Lorraine Hoffman.

Lorraine is my cabinmate.

Oh, wow, now, look at this.

You're willing to share your bedroom with her

and not be married. Why not me?

MAN ( over PA ): Last call.

All visitors ashore, please.

( chuckles )

Well, that's our cue.

The boat will be leaving in a minute. Heh-heh.

It only takes a minute to say "I do."

And it only takes a second to say "I don't."

Goodbye, Ronald.

Aw, now, come on, Ginny.

People in love today don't get married.

It spoils the relationship.

You see, the thing today is freedom.

Didn't you see Roots?

Yes, but I wanna start a family, not trace one.

Girl, it took us 300 years to get our freedom.

You want me to give mine up now?

Freedom? You're just afraid to make a commitment, that's all.

Do you know what your problem is?

You're immature and irresponsible.

( laughs )

Immature and irresponsible.

Me, who owns his own exterminating company,

and I am listed in the Yellow Pages.

Goodbye, Ronald.

But I don't understand.

Then let me put in words you will understand:

bug off!

You look very nice today.

I have to go up to Mrs. Skaugstad's cabin.

Would you hold the fort for me?

I'd rather hold the fort than face the Indians.

Oh, excuse me, please.

I-is there a newsstand onboard?

There's one in the gift shop, but it's closed.

Ah, well, what time does it open?

Nine in the morning. I...

I need a friend.

Can I help?

Would you mind?

My name is Sandy Rytell.

Julie McCoy. Hi.

Julie.

You see that man over there?

That's my fiancé, Congressman Brockway.

A long time ago, before I ever met him,

I... I posed for a picture in a magazine.

Uh-huh. No, I-I mean,

I posed for a picture in a magazine.

Oh.

Oh.

Just you and a bearskin rug.

Yes, but no rug, just... Just the bare skin.

Uh, terrific.

All... All this time and it's never surfaced,

until they found out I was engaged to Brad, and...

And it's coming out now.

Yeah. And when it hits the stand, he's...

You know, he's just gonna go... Go through the roof.

I... I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I... I talked him into a cruise

to get him away from newsstands

and Kitten magazine.

Uh, Sandy, the newsstand carries Kitten magazine.

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, I'll just be there at 9:00 in the morning.

'Cause if I'm not,

I guess Miss June's gonna be busting out all over.

Sandy?

Oh. Sweetheart.

Excuse me.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blows )

( all shouting goodbyes )

Whoo!

( blowing horn )

( knock at door )

Come in.

( door opens )

Yes, sir.

Good morning again, sir. Again.

What's good about it?

Well, it's nice to hear your growl again.

Don't be so saccharine, Miss McCoy.

It makes me feel that I'm watching a Shirley Temple movie.

Now, what do you want? Well, first I'd like

to figure out what everybody's got against Shirley Temple.

Miss McCoy.

Well, sir, I don't know if you're aware,

but one of the directors of the line...

Aubrey Skaugstad.

Painfully aware.

Um, there's a slight problem.

Only slight?

That's a surprise.

Well, um... Um...

Miss McCoy, if you say "um" one more time,

I'll have you keel.hauled.

Now, what is your problem?

Well, um...

Uh, I invited Mr. and Mrs. Skaugstad

to have dinner with you tonight at your table, and...

Don't tell me.

Mrs. Skaugstad said that she would be delighted

to dine at the captain's table if I eat someplace else.

Right.

I expected as much from that woman.

Well, then, there's no problem.

♪ On the good ship lollipop... ♪

( mellow theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

I guess Stubing decided

discretion was the better part of valor.

If the director's wife says she doesn't want you at her table,

then you eat alone in your room.

You didn't see the look on his face.

He'll be here.

( soft piano music playing in dining room )

I told you he'd show.

Maybe he didn't like the company in his room.

Ladies, gentlemen, Stacy.

Merrill.

Mr. Skaugstad, it's a pleasure to welcome you aboard.

I'm speaking for my entire crew.

I got your joke message.

I was serious.

Ha, ha. I am the captain.

This is the captain's table.

The captain sits at the captain's table.

It's not a question of title, bozo.

It's a question of who has the muscle.

Aubrey has the muscle and I'm with Aubrey.

I see.

I wish you wouldn't call me bozo.

Lord, I hate a sweaty forehead on a bald man.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure

but I have duties on the bridge.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

He didn't lose his temper.

He's handling it very well.

Yeah. It'll take a lot more than this to rattle our captain.

( screams )

Good evening.

( upbeat theme playing )

( knock at door )

( knocking persists )

Ten o'clock.

Oh.

Uh, who is it?

Brad?

Oh, Brad, I can explain everything.

There's... There's this, uh... There's this girl.

She could be my double. You just never...

I know, you overslept.

Well, you're lucky you're a passenger.

On Captain Stubing's crew when you oversleep,

you're overboard.

Got 'em for you.

Oh, Julie,

how can I ever thank you? Forget it.

But, Sandy, if you don't mind my asking,

how could you...?

Pose for a centerfold?

Well, it's a long story.

( sighs )

I was in law school,

and the tuition was costing a fortune.

Thank you.

And I wanted to eat, so I got a dark wig,

used a phony name and just prayed

no one would ever find out.

Julie, I don't want to lose Brad over this.

I mean, he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

But he's gonna find out when you get back to Los Angeles.

I mean, you're going to have to deal with it sooner or later.

Better later than sooner.

Well, I better get back to work.

Well, thank you for getting all the copies for me.

Well, I got all the copies they had... left.

How many did they sell?

Three.

How am I gonna ever find 'em?

It's gonna be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Don't worry, I have a clue.

What?

All the buyers were men.

STACY: I have never seen an operation run more inefficiently.

GOPHER: Well, now, I wouldn't say inefficient.

What would you say? Well, I...

I'm not quite sure. Um, uh...

Maybe I could get back to you next week.

Your passenger list is an indecipherable mess.

Now, ma'am, uh, wait a minute.

I'm sorry about those two typographical errors.

Really, is my face red. Boy.

Captain Stubing is constantly...

Don't interrupt. Your safe was unlocked.

It was empty. Your desk was littered.

That's paperwork. And you need a haircut.

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, believe me, you can never find enough baskets.

And Puerto Vallarta has the best.

Not anymore. You've got them all now.

What do you plan to do with them, anyway?

Oh, the same thing I did with the ones last year.

Put 'em in the attic.

GINNY: Can you make it?

LORRAINE: Ah, I think so.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, thanks.

( gasps )

You don't think I bought too much jewelry, do you?

No.

Besides, if you ever get tired of it,

you can melt it all down and make yourself a car.

( both laugh )

Oh.

( lively percussive theme playing )

Guess who's coming to dinner.

Buenas días, Mama.

I don't believe it.

What should I do? How should I act?

Play it cool, now. Just play it cool.

Ha-ha!

Ronald, don't tell me

you flew all the way down here.

Nope, I was just coming to get my car washed.

You must really love me, Ronald, to follow me this far, huh?

You bet I do.

But I know somebody who doesn't love me.

Who?

Lady who lives in L.A.

waiting for me to kill her termites.

Yeah, well, you know what you're always say about termites.

Right.

Don't worry about your termites, lady,

because when your house falls, it'll kill them.

( laughs )

This is so romantic.

Just think of it,

one of these days I'll be able to tell our children

that their daddy came all the way to Mexico

and swept me off my feet.

Children?

Daddy?

( clears throat )

Check, please.

Ronald, do you mean to tell me

you didn't come down here to propose?

Uh, I came down here to propose that we, uh,

keep living together.

But I wanna wear a white dress and walk down the aisle.

Well, you can wear a white dress the next time we walk

down the aisle at the supermarket.

No. Look, I'm tired of going to parties and being introduced

as Ronald Baker and Ginny.

I'm tired of having both our names on the mailbox,

and I'm especially tired of us each having a charge account

at the grocer's.

Hey, that's no problem.

We'll just use your charge account.

And the absolute worst thing is even after two years,

when we go to your parents' house

your mother still gives me dirty looks.

That's just your imagination.

She doesn't even know we're living together.

What?

You've never even told them?

Uh, I guess it just kind of slipped my mind.

See? Even you're ashamed of it.

How would you feel if your father and mother

were living together?

They are living together.

But they're married.

Ronald, you're hopeless.

MAN ( over PA ): Last call.

All visitors ashore, please.

Goodbye. You've gotta get off the boat.

Well, you just missed the boat yourself, Mama.

The USS Black Prince.

Leaving for ghettos and beyond.

We got a good cuisine too.

Chitlins, spareribs, pork chops.

You're gonna miss all that. Candied yam, collard greens,

turnips, everything.

Yammy mammies too.

( upbeat theme playing )

These should help.

Just munch on a couple

when you feel that burning in your stomach.

It must be rewarding to see me reduced to a quivering hulk.

No, not at all, sir. Oh, please. I know.

The crew is enjoying this.

Seeing me rolling over and playing dead.

Groveling, acting like a whipped cur.

Mrs. Skaugstad's really getting to you.

You had to bring her up?

She'd like to see me buried at sea.

Oh, come now, captain. Mrs. Skaugstad?

Why would she want to do that? She's a perfect stranger.

She's not perfect, and she is no stranger.

I was married to that woman for 17 years.

You and she...?

Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

In the beginning...

In the beginning, we were two young people incredibly in love.

She was beautiful, sweet, loving.

I was handsome, kind, adoring.

Then, like many other men,

I took a mistress.

Ahhh.

Immense, mysterious, overpowering.

I've always liked the big ones too.

I'm talking about the sea.

Oh.

Stacy wanted me to become a captain of industry.

Instead I became a captain of ships,

and Stacy became a bitter woman.

There just wasn't enough room in my life

for both her and the sea.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Oh, it's all right.

You know, I think she would have put up with everything else

if she hadn't hated her name so much.

Stacy?

Stubing.

Stacy Stubing?

( soft theme playing )

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm so... Oh!

I'm sorry.

Hey, you took the best part.

We'll be docking soon.

You'll love Cabo San Lucas.

Oh, I'm not going ashore.

I know my coffee's great, but it ain't worth hanging around for.

Well, I don't know.

Hi. Well, what do you think?

Nice. But what happened to your Mexican look?

( posh accent ): Darling, Cabo is not the place to go native.

It's crawling with billionaires and beautiful people.

Oh, you'll knock 'em dead, Lorraine.

Ah, we'll knock 'em dead.

We are gonna paint this town roja.

Oh, you paint it alone.

I'm gonna wait around here for a while.

What are you gonna wait for?

Oh.

You've got a thing for one of the crew.

No, I'm gonna wait for Ronald.

By the time he drives all the way down here

he'll be so exhausted, I'll be able to talk him into anything.

You really think he's gonna keep chasing you

after you kicked him out on his cucaracha?

Sure.

He doesn't give up that easily.

Ronald may not realize it yet,

but deep down inside, he wants to get married

just as much as I do.

Ah, but are you sure you do?

Of course I am.

Why?

Lots of reasons.

Well, let's hear 'em.

Companionship. Get a dog.

Security.

Make it a German shepherd.

I'd like kids.

I'll give you one of mine.

But you have to give them back.

I take it your marriage didn't work out.

Oh, it did.

I worked, he went out.

It's not gonna be that way with Ronald.

Once I get that ring on his finger, it's forever.

He'll never take it off.

Play it safe, honey.

Have it made a couple of sizes too small.

( upbeat theme playing )

Uh, excuse me, could I have a light, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Sandy, I'm so glad I finally found you...

Oh, it's just a small fire. Self-defense...

Huh? ( man yells )

( snickers ) I only gotta find one more.

Well, you can stop looking. Doc's got it.

The... The ship's doctor?

Yeah, that's why they call him Doc.

I think I've got a cold.

May I help you?

I got a terrible cold.

Did you run out of Kleenex?

( chuckles ) ( laughs )

Uh... Come in, please.

Wanna hop up on the table?

( coughs )

Boy, that's a nasty cough.

Well, let's have a look at you.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Funny, you don't seem to have a temperature.

But you're kind of flushed.

I don't think you have a cold at all.

But you are suffering from acute embarrassment,

possibly caused by, um, overexposure.

You knew all along?

I never forget a face.

What's wrong? Are you ashamed of that?

I am mortified.

Look, I'm a doctor.

I see an awful lot of bodies.

Once I had a guy so fat, I needed two examination tables.

( both chuckle )

As far as I'm concerned,

you really have nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, thank you.

But it's not what you think that concerns me.

It's what my fiancé's gonna think.

You're trying to hide this from the man

who's gonna be your husband?

Now, look, it's none of my business,

but if you're gonna marry the guy,

you'd better start being honest with him.

I know, that's what Julie said.

I've got so much to lose.

You're gonna have a lot more to lose

if you don't level with him now.

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

You're right.

Thank you, doctor.

Uh, I'm sorry I ruined your magazine.

Oh, I never look at the centerfolds.

I just buy them for the articles.

MAN ( over PA ): The Pacific Princess will be leaving Cabo San Lucas

in 30 minutes.

Hi. I'm back.

Well, how was Cabo San Lucas?

Oh, what a day.

Are you ready for this?

I had four Tom Collins, three Jack Daniels

and a Paco Martinez.

What's a Paco Martinez?

He's a beach boy at the hotel.

Ooh, and a great dancer.

So how was your day?

He didn't show up.

Aw. I guess I didn't know him

as well as I thought I did, Lorraine.

We never do.

Well, someone's in a big hurry.

Look at that boat.

Oh, well, Paco said he'd follow me anywhere,

but I just thought he was putting me on.

( both laugh )

RONALD: Now hear this, Ginny O'Brien!

It is me!

Ronald!

It's Ronald!

Ronald!

Get off the boat, woman.

I love you.

I love you too!

I miss you!

I miss you too!

Then get off the boat, woman.

Will you marry me?

I cannot hear you.

Goodbye, Ronald.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Ginny.

You'll never find another man like me.

I wouldn't look for another man like you.

Look here, Ginny,

no man could ever love you or take care of you

the way that I will.

What more could you possibly want?

I want your name!

Okay, then, I'll call you Ronald.

Adiós, muchacho.

( upbeat dramatic theme playing )

This is sure the biggest creek I've ever been up.

I pledge to wage an unflinching battle against the poor.

( quietly ): No, poverty.

Against poverty. A... An unflinching battle

against poverty, and I also feel that...

( knock at door )

Hiya, sweetheart. Hi.

D-don't say anything.

I... I got something to tell you.

No, I got something to show you.

This is me.

Nice wig.

Now, I posed for this long before we were engaged.

Long before I ever knew you.

If you never wanna see me again, I don't blame you.

Oh, honey, I wanna see you again.

And again.

( romantic theme playing )

I'm gonna be married to a woman other men can only dream about.

And I don't care if your picture's plastered

on the side of the Empire State Building,

I love you.

But what about your campaign? Isn't this gonna cost you votes?

Sandy, I look at it this way:

a guy named Carter confessed his lust in Playboy,

and he got to be president.

I figure with this, they could vote me king.

All right, come here. All right.

( both laugh )

Yeah.

( funky dance music playing )

( funky dance music continues )

LORRAINE: Hello.

Oh, I don't think I can go through with this, Lorraine.

Oh, just have a drink. It'll calm you down.

Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.

Oh, just a little sip of something.

It'll take the edge off.

We'll have two straight double bourbons.

Uh, listen, no sense your walking back and forth.

Bring the bottle.

Well, we might want a second one.

Look, I'm not even sure I want the first one.

( sighs )

Trust me, okay?

Now, enough small talk.

Let's meet some men.

Oh, I don't think I remember how.

The first step is dangling the bait

so he'll throw his line your way.

Oh, I know I don't know how to dangle.

It comes with the package.

You've got your eyes, you've got your mouth,

you've got my pushup bra.

Just follow me.

Okay.

( mambo music playing )

( all laughing )

( all applaud )

♪ Da-da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, da ♪

( lonely theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

STACY: I want to see your recreation supply list,

your master entertainment schedule,

your musicians' payments and your convention procedures.

Gladly, Mrs. Skaugstad.

Captain Stubing is very particular

about administrative details.

You... like Captain Stubing?

Oh, yes. He's a marvelous person.

You've been drinking on duty.

That Mr. Skaugstad is something else.

He never says a word.

With her for a wife, he never gets the chance.

I wonder where she is now.

The engine room. Checking the gaskets and shims.

GOPHER: She just got through in the laundry.

( imitating Stacy ): Lord, I hate ring around the collar.

How come the captain's letting this happen?

We've gotta do something.

How about we hire a hit man?

He can't do anything.

Why not? Because.

Great answer. You must be a college grad.

I really shouldn't be telling this, but...

Mrs. Skaugstad is Captain Stubing's ex-wife.

Oh, no. Are you serious?

JULIE: Well, that explains everything.

I can't imagine the two of them together.

Beauty and the beast.

Beast and the beast is more like it.

Okay, now, but Captain Stubing is our beast.

There's only one thing to do.

Right. The hit man.

BRICKER: No.

I'll have to stand up to her.

I know how to handle this type of woman.

I wasn't married four times for nothing.

I mean, you can not allow a woman of this kind

to push you around.

What is going on in here?

Mrs. Skaugstad, welcome.

How nice to see you again.

My, what a lovely outfit you have on.

Stuff a sock in it, buster.

Show me your supply requisitions.

Yes, Mrs. Skaugstad.

Right away, Mrs. Skaugstad.

( clears throat )

Uh! Is this a medical facility or a convention center?

Well, we were just on our way out.

( all chatter indistinctly )

Lord, I love nervous perspiration.

Yours too.

LORRAINE: Ginny.

Hm.

Ginny, we're leaving Ensenada

and you didn't even see it.

Do these eyes look like they wanted to see Ensenada?

Yuck. They don't even look like they wanna be in your head.

Lorraine, what was I doing with a life preserver

in my bed this morning?

Well, see,

after you made the band play Nearer, My God, to Thee,

you started mumbling something about an iceberg,

and women and children first.

I didn't do that.

Oh, yes, you did.

Well, I do remember one thing.

At some point last night I decided I was having fun.

Well, good for you.

Well, we're gonna leave Ensenada and Ronald didn't show.

I guess he finally gave up, huh?

( wacky theme playing )

Hey, gimme a break, brother!

You know, I could help you with the driving, man.

Don't be like that!

( upbeat theme playing )

And for dessert, ladies and gentlemen,

I think you might be amused by our flaming cherries jubilee.

Oh.

( in French )

Burning cherries is a bundle of laughs.

She just keeps pushing him and pushing him.

It's like the guys at the bullfights,

the one that stick the spears in the bull before they kill it.

What do they call those guys?

I think the technical term is "bull stickers."

Well, I'm not gonna watch any more.

I don't wanna be around for the kill.

Me neither.

I couldn't stand to see her awarded

his ears and his tail.

I'm going to keep the pressure on, Merrill.

You do know that.

Really?

I hadn't noticed any pressure.

How come you're not defending yourself,

or do you always leave that up to your crew?

My crew?

Mm.

For some bizarre reason, they seem to admire you.

( scoffing ): Although I can't imagine why.

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, please excuse me,

but I have to pass up dessert.

The responsibilities of my position

require my immediate attention.

GOPHER: If everything is so perfect,

why are we so miserable?

DOC: We're all suffering

from acute Skaugstad.

Hi. Hi.

You too?

Mrs. Skaugstad caught me when I

accidentally put a cherry into a martini.

I suggested that she try my new drink.

GOPHER: And?

She suggested that I try a new job.

Yeah, we think we've got problems.

Let's just be thankful we're not in Captain Stubing's shoes.

DOC: This is the longest cruise I've ever been on.

GOPHER: And we're not gonna get any time off

for good behavior.

Ha! Time off?

I'm working double shifts to keep that lady happy.

Hey, I'm spending so much time trying to please her

that I'm letting the other passengers down.

DOC: She has the uncanny ability

to make you feel you don't know what you're doing.

I am a good doctor. Aren't I?

I'd come to you for aspirin.

You're a great doctor.

I just got the answer.

What?

We make Mrs. Skaugstad the captain.

Then she can hire the crew she wants.

( heroic theme playing )

Well, as I see it, we got a couple of choices.

We can get a drink and go sit out on the deck...

Or? We can get two drinks.

Right. Good plan.

STACY: Forget something, Merrill?

Yes. Something I've been meaning to do for a week.

You come too.

( fake laughs )

( heroic theme continues )

STACY: What do you think you're doing?

STUBING: Quiet.

STACY: Who do you think you are?

The captain.

I haven't been acting like it,

but I am the captain of this ship,

and I am going to give you an order.

( laughs )

A what?

An order.

Go to your room.

You're going down the chute for that, Merrill.

Fine, fine.

Now, look, I allowed you to make my life miserable,

but I will not allow you to disrupt this cruise

for the passengers, who, I should point out,

paid to be on this ship.

Who do you think you're talking...?

I am not finished.

And last, but by no means least,

you will not treat my crew like a bunch of incompetent boobs.

I have the best crew afloat.

You cannot talk to me like this.

Stacy, shut up.

And go to your room.

( huffs )

Aubrey.

Mr. Skaugstad, no matter what you say, I will not apologize.

So whatever you have to say to me, sir, say it now.

( clears throat )

Go to your room.

( quiet triumphant theme playing )

You're a great captain.

( triumphant theme swells )

( sneezes )

( light-hearted theme playing )

Don't you people have anything to do?

Mr. Smith. Sir?

Gopher, get a haircut.

( all chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, wow.

I hate to say this, but I guess it's goodbye.

Oh, it's not goodbye.

It's just, um, hasta la vista.

We'll see each other again.

I hope so. You know, without you,

this cruise would have been a disaster.

Oh, at first I thought you wouldn't approve of me.

Well, you know, the way I carry on.

But I say live, taste life,

and don't let anybody tell you what to do.

You're one of a kind.

Ain't I just.

( both laugh )

Mommy, Mommy!

Oh, my babies.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

How are you? Ohhhh!

Here, you take these for Mommy, okay?

Ah, we did it.

Yes, we got through this cruise.

Boy, talk about survivors of the Titanic.

We actually lived through Hurricane Stacy.

Mm. Ha.

Julie. Julie, thank you for everything.

We had a wonderful time.

Well, you certainly captured the floating vote, congressman.

( laughs )

I see my prescription worked.

Yes. Next picture you see me in

is gonna be a wedding picture.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Excuse me, miss, you need some help with your bags?

Oh, no, thank you. I... Ronald. Oh...!

( both laughing )

Whee! I almost thought I forgot how to do that.

Take my word, you didn't forget.

One more time.

For you, my lovely young lady.

Oh, Ronald, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, if you put 'em in some water,

maybe you can use 'em as part of your bridal bouquet.

What? That's right.

Maybe I've been out here in the sun too long,

but Ginny O'Brien, I am ready to give marriage a try.

Well, Ronald... Now, you just name the place

and time you wanna become Mrs. Ronald Baker.

Well, I have... Now, I cannot guarantee

you the moon, but I can guarantee you

a lifetime warranty against bugs.

Oh, listen, Ronald, I've been doing a lot of thinking too,

and I think your way is best.

Why don't we just keep living together, okay?

You mean that?

Absolutely.

Oh, wow! Wow! Thank you, big fella. Thank...

What...? What made you change your mind?

Well, I guess it was the last two nights on the cruise.

( clears throat )

The last two nights on the cruise?

What happened the last two nights on the cruise?

Oh, nothing, really.

A girl changes her whole line of thinking and she says,

"Oh, nothing, really"?

Oh, look, it was just, I found out you were right.

I mean, about freedom.

I found out I like having my freedom.

And, uh, what kind of freedom you, uh, talking about?

The same kind of freedom you talking about.

That kind of freedom?

No-ho-ho-ho-ho way.

Oh, look, maybe it's just the freedom to not feel guilty

about enjoying a little freedom, you know?

But I wanna get married!

Oh, Ronald.

Well, look, let's go home and discuss it.

"Oh, nothing, really."

I don't believe this.

We were cooking. I been chasing you on boats, planes.

Here I am in my truck, you know, I'll kill for less than this,

and now you gone crazy, telling me you want your freedom.

Even the bugs that I kill don't have their freedom.

Get in the truck there, Mama.

I should sit you right up there with my man...

( upbeat theme playing )

May I have a word with your wife?

What do you want?

Please.

Merrill, what do you want?

I want to apologize for being so harsh to you.

Oh?

Yes, for what happened on the deck two nights ago,

and for what happened to our life ten years ago.

Come again?

You're a wonderful woman, Stacy.

You deserved a much better husband than I was.

I tried, but I wanted to command ships

more than I wanted to make you happy.

( poignant theme playing )

And that's it.

Well, life with me couldn't have been much of a picnic.

No, no, it was my fault.

All you got was a husband at sea and a name that you hated.

( chuckles )

I'm sorry.

Captain, I couldn't find one important thing

wrong with your ship.

You are a hell of a commander.

Why, thank you.

I hope that you're happy with, um...

Aubrey.

Aubrey.

He's a nice man.

He doesn't have your... panache.

( laughs )

But he does stay home.

There is one awful thing.

What's that?

You know how I hated the name Stacy Stubing?

Oh-ho-ho-ho. Hm.

Well, I can't even pronounce Stacy Skaugskag.

Skacy Skaugsgag.

Stacy Skaugstad.

Lord, I love a silver-tongued man.

( chuckles )

Goodbye, Merrill.

Goodbye, Stacy.

( triumphant theme playing )

MAN ( over PA ): Captain Stubing.

Captain Stubing, please come to the bridge.

( triumphant theme swells )

( upbeat theme playing )