Original subtitles

In The Last Episode, The Family Gathered For Theo's Graduation.

Dad, There Are No More Tickets.

That's It. That's All I Can Do Man.

I Just Need Six Tickets.

Six?! A Minute Ago You Said Four.

I Know, But Jeffrey Engels, He Lives Next Door

And His Ex-Wife, They Want To Come.

They Remember You When You Were Like This, Man.

This Is A Big Moment.

Dad...

Six Tickets More.

Why Did You Invite Kenny?

You Don't Want Kenny To Come, Then Uninvite Him.

The Boy Gave Me Tube Socks.

I Cannot Uninvite Him.

Then Get Him A Ticket!

But...

Dad, Please Listen To Me.

I'm Listening.

There... Are...

No... More... Tickets.

Look At Me!

There Are No... Look.

And Look At You Today.

My Baby's Graduating From College.

When Your Father Graduated

They Called His Name, He Walked Across The Stage

Accepted His Diploma In His Left Hand

Shook Hands With His Right

Then He Proceeded To Hug Every Person On The Dais

Including The Ushers.

He Held Up The Ceremony For Seven Minutes.

Dad Sure Knows

How To Celebrate, Huh?

Especially When It Comes To Learning.

Denise Is On The Phone.

She Wants To Talk To Everybody.

Come On, Sweetie.

Cliff: Singapore Sweetheart.

How's The Lieutenant Doing?

Protecting The Country?

Denise! Honey, I'm Not Going To Talk Long

Because I Know You Want To Talk To Theo

And Wish Him Congratulations.

What?

My Baby.

What?

My Baby's Having A Baby.

( Screaming And Cheering )

Hello, Denise.

It's Me.

We're Having A Baby.

Now, Don't Let It Be Born Till I Get There.

Okay, Denise.

He's Right Here.

Bye, Denise.

Bye, Baby!

Sorry, Dad.

Hey, Denise, How You Doing?

Uncle Theo, Here.

Yeah, Well, Congratulations To You Too.

I'll See You Tomorrow.

All Right.

Denise, Honey.

Yes, Listen To Your Grandma Carrie.

Sit Down As Much As You Can Now

Because You Will Never Sit Down Again.

Never.

And If Martin Starts To Get On Your Nerves

And That Smile

You Used To Think Was So Sexy

Now Looks Stupid, Don't Tell Him.

It Will Pass Most Likely.

Tell Her, Grandma.

Excuse Me, Son.

Hey, Denise, Now, Listen.

This Is Very Important Advice.

Don't Ever Call Anybody Ugly

'Cause The Baby Will Look Just Like Them.

( Everyone Laughing )

Now, You Get Yourself Some Rest. Bye.

( Kissing Sounds )

She Needs Her Rest.

Grandpa, We're Ready.

Nelson: Yeah, Let's Go.

Come Here, Both Of You.

Stand Right Here.

Now, You Know We're Going Out To The Big Graduation.

The Big Celebration, Right?

Now, There's Certain Things

I Don't Want You To Say Out Loud Anymore.

Now, What Was It That You Said To That Man, Remember?

What Did You Say?

Ooh, Look. That Man Has Hair Growing Out Of His Ears.

Correct. If You See Hair Growing Out Of The Ears

Let It Grow.

You Don't Have To Tell The Man About It.

All Right?

For You, You Don't Say Out Loud

The Way You Did The Last Time, What?

Ooh, That Lady's Old.

Yeah. That Isn't Nice.

And I Want You To Understand

That We Cannot Spend The Afternoon

Picking You Up And Taking You To The Bathroom.

Now, Do You Have To Go Now?

Hammer Time!

All Right.

Go On Out, Go On Out.

Hammer Out, Hammer Out.

Well, Son, I Know This Is Your Big Day.

Yeah, Dad.

First The Daughter Graduates, And Now The Son.

Oh, Boy.

And We're All Proud Of You, Son.

Well, Dad, I'm Proud Of Myself, Thank You Very Much.

But As We All Know, Son

You Get A Little Exuberant At These Functions.

I Would Never Do Anything To Embarrass The Family.

Confetti, Son?

Yeah, Well, You Know, You Just...

And Isn't This The Thing You Used At Princeton?

( Horn Honking )

It's, Uh... Crowd Control.

Well, You Just Control Yourself, Son.

Yes. Okay.

Tell Me To Control Myself--

I'm A Grown Man, Living In My Own House.

Russell: What Was That, Son?

Nothing, Sir.

Sweetheart, Are You

Wearing A Slip?

Grandma!

All Right, Everybody, Move The Wagons Out.

We're Still Short Three Tickets.

I Got Beach Chairs Here.

( Everyone Groaning )

Dad, Wait A Minute.

Elvin And I Will Stay Here.

I'm The Extra Man.

You Can't Do That, Honey.

Honey?

We're Just Friends. We're Just Friends.

We Will Stay.

Sondra, You Go.

No, No, No. What Is This?

Everybody's Quitting?

Dad, We Do Not Have Enough Tickets.

I Understand That.

So This Is All Of A Sudden Reminding You All Of What?

All: Princeton!

And As Far As You

Are All Concerned, Some Horrible Things Happened.

What Were They?

The Security Guard.

The Tow Truck.

The Doberman.

It Was A German Shepherd.

See, That's How Much You People Remember.

We're Going To A Graduation

And I Don't Know What's Going To Happen

But I Bet You It Will Be Something

That You Will Never Forget.

You Got That Right, Son.

I'm Going On Ahead.

You Do What You Want To Do.

Give Me One Of The Chairs.

I'll Take One, Dad.

Give Me One Of Those.

All Right.

Now, Binoculars?

Everybody Raise Your Binoculars.

Down. Cameras.

Up... And Down.

All Right.

Let's Head Out.

Oh, Wait.

The Guest Of Honor.

All: Theo!

( Cheering )

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go, Theo.

Hey, Beach Chairs.

Yes.

Why Not?

That's Right. Okay...

Uh, Excuse Me.

One Side.

Let The Man Through.

Theo, Three Tickets.

That's The Best I Could Do.

This Is Unbelievable.

Where Did You Get These?

My Brother.

Your Brother?

Yeah.

My Brother Says If You Can't

Do Something Nice For A Neighbor

Don't Bother Living Next Door.

All Right, Bud.

Cliff: Move It

Everybody, Quickly

Come On, Out Of Here.

Hurry Up, Hurry Up.

You Know The Cars You're In.

Come On, You Two.

And Make Sure The 92 Shows.

Okay. Okay. You're Ready.

Let Me See You.

Hit A Spin.

( Chuckling )

Oh, Boy.

Oh, Boy.

Hey, Dad, Thanks For Everything.

Thank You.

Get In The Car

And Leave Room For Your Mother.

All Right, Here We Go Again.

Yes.

Here We Go Again. Yes...

Oh, Oh, Oh...

Honey, What Are You Doing?

Just In Case.

Just In Case.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Mrs. Huxtable, Dr. Huxtable

I Saved Two Prime Seats For You.

And My Lance

Was Very Territorial On Your Behalf.

Oh, Lance.

Thank You.

Anybody See Theo?

Left Side Of The Park, 46th Row, 18th Man In.

I Got Him!

Speaker: You Are The Leaders Of The Next Millennium.

You Hear That?

The Next Millennium.

Our Son And Daughters.

Speaker: ...Service, Involvement--

Of Giving Your Fair Share...

( Knocking )

Cliff: Theo.

Yo.

Hard To Get Good Help, Isn't It?

Son...

Your Mother Asked Me

To Come Up Here And Kill You.

Hey, I Know.

You Know What?

What You're Going To Say

And It's Under Control, So...

No Problem. No Problem.

How Do You Expect

To Get Into College With These Grades?

No Problem. Huh?

I'm Not Going To College.

Damn Right.

I'll Get Through High School

And Then Get A Job Like Regular People.

Regular People?

Yeah, You Know, Who Work In A Gas Station

Or Drive A Bus.

So You're Saying

Your Mother And I Shouldn't Care If You Get D's

Because You Don't Need Good Grades

To Be Regular People.

Right.

Okay.

Oh...

Suppose... You Graduate From High School.

Let's Say You Just Slide By.

You've Got To Find A Job.

What Kind Of Salary Do You Expect

For A Regular Person?

Mmm... $250 A Week.

$250 Dollars A Week?

Yeah.

Sit Down.

I'm Going To Give You $300 A Week.

Yes, Indeed.

$300 A Week--

$1,200 A Month.

All Right?

I'll Take It!

Yes, You Will.

And I Will Take $350 For Taxes...

Whoa!

Because The Government

Comes For The Regular People First.

How Much Does That Leave You With?

$850.

All Right.

Now, You've Got To Have An Apartment

Because You Are Not Going To Live Here.

So, An Apartment In Manhattan

Will Run You At Least $400 A Month.

I'll Live In New Jersey.

All Right.

You Live In New Jersey, You've Got To Have A Car.

I'll Ride A Motorbike.

You Need A Helmet.

Figure A Hundred A Month For Clothes And Shoes.

Figure 200-- I Want To Look Good.

So What Does That Leave You With?

$200.

So, No Problem.

There Is A Problem.

You Haven't Eaten Yet.

I Can Get By On Bologna And Cereal.

So I've Got Everything I Need Plus $200 Left For The Month.

Plan To Have A Girlfriend?

For Sure.

Regular People.

Vanessa: Denise, Open This Door!

Vanessa.

Open This Door!

Vanessa!

Vanessa.

Come Here.

Come Here.

Here, Here, Here.

There Is There.

This Is Here-- Come Here.

Denise Pushed Us Out Of The Bathroom

And The Shampoo Is In Rudy's Eyes

And Now Rudy Might Be Blinded For Life.

If She Is, Can We Get A Dog?

Dad, I Thought About What You Said

And I See Your Point.

Thank You. Thank You.

But I Have A Point Too.

Make Your Point.

You're A Doctor And Mom's A Lawyer.

You're Both Successful

And That's Great.

But Maybe I Was Born To Be A Regular Person

And Have A Regular Life.

If You Weren't A Doctor, I Wouldn't Love You Less

Because You're My Dad.

And So, Instead Of Acting Disappointed

Because I'm Not Like You

Maybe You Can Just Accept Who I Am

And Love Me Anyway...

Because I'm Your Son.

Theo...

That's The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life!

No Wonder You Get D's In Everything.

Now, You Are Afraid To Try

Because You're Afraid That Your Brain Is Going To Explode

And Ooze Out Of Your Ears.

Now, I'm Telling You

You Are Going To Try As Hard As You Can

And You're Going To Do It Because I Said So!

I Am Your Father.

I Brought You In This World, And I'll Take You Out.

Now, Son, Come Here.

Come Here.

Now Listen To Me.

I Just Want You To Do The Best You Can.

That's All.

I'll Try, Dad, I Really Will.

I Love You.

Yeah, Dad. Huh?

I Know. Yeah.

And Maybe...

Your Mother Loves You Too.

Announcer: All Candidates For The Bachelor Of Science Degree

Department Of Psychology, Please Stand.

Theo!

( Cheering )

Please Be Seated.

All Candidates...

What Happened?

Theo Just Graduated, Dear.

What Do You Mean?

They Stood Up And Then She Said, "Please Be Seated."

That's What You Do When You Have 8,000 Graduates.

Dear, When We Graduated, What Did They Say?

They Didn't Say, "Stand And Sit Down."

What Do You Get If You Go To Graduate School--

Jumping Jacks?

If They Called Everybody's Name

We'd Be Here Till Tomorrow Night.

I Would Love To Hear My Son's Name.

Dear, We Spent Close To $100,000.

They Didn't Say, "Everybody Stand And Be Seated."

They Said, "Individually, Sign Your Check."

We're Going To Go Now.

We're Going To Go Sit In The Car.

It's Over?

It's Over, Dear.

There's Nothing Else?

Just Stand Up And Sit Down?

That's It, Darling.

All Right. I've Graduated.

I'm Going To Graduate Again.

I'm Going To Go To Teacher's College.

There You Go.

Yeah, Son, It Was A Great Day.

Say, Cliff, We're On For Dinner Next Thursday Night?

Let's Make It Wednesday. Why Wait?

But Still At 8:00?

8:00.

You Got It.

Take Care Now.

Where Did Your Wife Go?

Here She Is.

Hey, Guys.

Cliff: All Right.

Everything All Right?

Yeah.

There's A Graduation Party Out There

With My Name On It.

Well, Go Forth And Graduateth Party.

You Guys, Thanks A Lot.

You Don't Need Anything, Do You?

No, I'm Cool.

Good Night, Son.

Did You Go In My Pocket Upstairs?

Not At All.

Don't Wait Up For Me.

I'll Be Back Kind Of Late.

( Door Closes )

Well...

I Love Days Like This.

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah...

'Cause I Like

To See You Smile.

Yeah.

And You Never Smile As Much

As On Days Like This.

Yeah. Yeah.

I Got Something To Make You Smile.

Really?

You Better Believe It.

First, You Need A Little Mood Lighting.

Oh.

I'm Smiling So Far.

Now...

I Want You To Go Outside And Ring The Doorbell.

No, I'm Serious.

Honey, I've Fixed The Doorbell

And When You Hear It, You Will Smile.

Honest.

I Don't Think So.

Okay. I'll Go Out

And I'll Ring The Doorbell Myself.

Yes, And I Will Dial 9-1-1.

No, No. It Works Now

And It Works The Way I Want It To Work.

Uh-Huh.

All Right.

You Think I'm Kidding.

Here You Go.

( Melodious Chiming )

( Mellow Jazz Music Playing )

Ooh, Lord.

Is He Looking At Us?

Come On, Let's Go.

You've Never Danced With Me Like That Before.