Original subtitles

♪ No, Ohh, Ohh, And What Do You Want To Do? ♪

♪ Whoa, Whoa, Whoa ♪

♪ And How You Want To See? ♪

Ah, There's My...

♪ Yellow Rose Of Taxes. ♪

What's The Matter With You-- I.R.S. Got Your Tongue?

What Has Gotten Into You?

It Is Tax Time.

I Know, And Who Are You, And What Have You Done

To My Husband?

No, No.

The Cliff I Know At Tax Time

Is Grumbling Round This House, Barking At The Furniture.

"Why Aren't You Deductible?!"

I Don't Remember My Behavior Being That Bad.

Need I Bring Out The Letters That Have Been Written

To Various Presidents Throughout The Years?

Yes, There Were Times, But That Is The Past.

I Am A New Person.

So I Will Have Your Full Cooperation This Year?

You Will Hand Over The Receipts

And Let Me Take Them To The Accountant

And The Accountant And I Will Work This Thing Out?

The Receipts--

And You Shall Go Forth.

This Is A New Attitude.

I'm Going

To Go Get My Pencil.

Yes!

And I'm Going To Meet You

And Your New Attitude In The Dining Room.

Okay.

All Right With Me.

(Knocking)

Enter.

Kenny, My Main Man.

No Chitchat.

Personal Crisis.

Romantic Variety.

Anything I Can Do?

Point Me Toward Rudy.

Oh! Okay!

Rudy..!

Oh. Hi, Stanley.

Kenny, How Did You Get In Here?

Do You Live In The Basement?

Would You Excuse My Friend Rudy And Me?

We Need To Talk.

Kenny, Is There No One Else

Who Would Talk To You?

Where Is Your Alleged Girl Friend?

It's Fascinating That You're Obsessed With My Personal Life--

Almost As If You Didn't Have

One Of Your Own.

Stanley, Could You Go Get Us Some Juice, Please?

Okay.

Oh, I'd Like Some Shaved Ice In Mine.

Oh, Don't Worry, Kenny.

I'll Fix You A Drink.

So What Can I Do For You, Friend?

It's Deirdre.

I'm In Trouble.

What Happened?

Yesterday Was Deirdre's Birthday

And I Bought Her A Special Gift.

I Even Wrapped It.

What Did You Get Her?

Tube Socks.

Tube Socks?

That's Not Very Romantic.

They Are Practical.

One Size Fits All.

The Problem Is

I Brought Them To School Yesterday

And Was About To Give Them To Deirdre

When I Overheard Debbie Costa Ask Deirdre

What She Got For Her Birthday

And She Said

"Well, My Grandmother Sent Me Socks Again."

Oh, Not A Good Sign.

Well, There I Was Holding This Grandma Gift.

So I Did What Any Man Would Do-- I Lied.

I Told Her That

I'm Giving Her A Party Tonight, Here.

Stanley: You What?!

Kenny, What Is The Matter With You?

I Would Have Had It At My House

But My Brother Wouldn't Make Much Of A Host

In That Flannel Robe.

He Still Has That Robe?

Yeah.

Please, Can You Help Me?

All Right, But You Got To Talk To My Father First.

Okay. He'll Understand An Affair Of The Heart.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable!

Hey, Hey, Boy, I'm Having A Good Day, Now.

And Who More Deserves It Than You?

What Do You Want, Kenny?

You Asked If There's Anything You Can Do

To Help Me With My Love Life.

No. I Said, "Anything I Can Do?"

That's Just It, Sir, And You Can.

Could I Use Your Backyard For A Reception Tonight?

A Reception?

You And Deirdre Getting Married?

Kenny: Would That

We Could, Sir

But Could I Use It To Give Her A Birthday Party?

What Kind Of Party?

Just The Four Of Us.

It Won't Cost Much, Dad.

"It Won't Cost Much, Dad"?

I'll Pay For It.

I'll Even Work It Off.

I Think That Mrs. Huxtable And I

Can Absorb The Cost Of Some Cookies And Some Chips

And... Uh, I Think It Will Be Okay

Because I'm Expecting A Big Tax Refund Soon.

Ought To Be Just Fine, Kid.

Make It On Me.

Thank You, Sir.

Yes, Sir.

There Goes A Prince

Among Men.

You're Pushing It.

Cliff: Okay!

All Right, Now.

Now, Here...

Now, Wait.

Let Me Just Say.

You Know All You Have To Do Is Give Me The Receipts

And I Will Take Them To The Accountant

And We Will Take Care Of Everything.

Yes.

Good.

What Have You Got?

Now, First Of All

We Will Start With Our First Defendant.

Dependent.

No. Defendant.

I'm Saying "Defendant."

And I Defend The Right To Write Off

Sondra, Elvin, And The Two Children

As Charitable Expense And Medical Expense.

Now, There.

Those Are The Receipts.

As A Charitable Expense?

Charitable Expense.

They Eat, They Sleep, They Borrow

And Then They Don't Pay Back.

Sondra, Elvin

And The Little Dwarfs.

Sondra And Elvin Are Adults Who Are Earning Their Own Wages.

Now, What Is This Medical Expense?

The Medical Expense Is Mainly Because

They Have Taken At Least A Year Off Of My Life.

(Sighs)

Let's Move On.

Okay.

Now, Next.

Aha!

A Perfect One I Have Here.

Under 18, Olivia.

Absolutely No Income Of Her Own.

That's A Definite.

Put It Down! Put It Down!

There You Go.

That's The Best Defendant We Have.

The Accountant Has Told Me

That Martin And Denise Are Claiming Olivia.

How?

He's Out There On A Boat Somewhere

With A Little, Cute Uniform

Running Around Saying, "Aye, Aye, Sir."

He Is Defending His Country, Dear.

Big Deal!

Look At This

Stack Of Stuff That We Spent.

This Man Did Not Come Home To Take The Child

On These Field Trips To The Museum.

Little Children-- "I Want To Go To The Bathroom!"

He Didn't Do That.

Let's Move On, Dear.

Okay. Next

Is Cousin Pam.

I Spoke To Her Mother.

Yes.

And She Said That We Could Claim Her As A Dependent.

Thank You.

But I Didn't Feel Good

About That.

Now, Why Didn't You Feel Good About It?

Pam Is Her Daughter, Dear.

By What Definition Is She The Daughter?

This Is A Chance

For Us To Write Off Somebody.

Sweetheart

Let's Move On.

Okay. All Right.

Vanessa And Theo.

Yes, We Do Have Vanessa And Theo.

You Better Believe It.

Look At All Of This.

Vanessa's In College.

She's Our Dependent.

Theo, My Boy, I Can Write Him Off Forever, Man.

Just In... Just In Cereal Alone, We're Going To Get Back $18,000.

Put That Down.

I Got Receipts For All Of That.

You Have Receipts For $18,000 In Cereal?

You Better Believe It.

And Guess What Else I Did.

I Didn't Put The Coupons

That We Cut Out To Buy The Bread To Get Eight And Ten Cents Off.

Left Them Out.

I Don't Get It, Rudy.

How Many Times Will We Have To Bail Out Mr. Slick?

Everybody Needs Friends, And Kenny Is Mine.

He Really Likes Deirdre, And I Want To See Him Happy.

There's Something I Should Tell You

About Our Guest Of Honor, Deirdre.

What's That?

Yesterday At School

Deidre Said, "See You At Rudy's Party Tomorrow."

I Said, "What Party?"

She Said, "It's Not A Surprise. Kenny Told Me."

And I Said

"It's A Surprise To Me, 'Cause There's No Party."

Oh, No.

That Means That Deirdre Knows Kenny Was Lying--

That This Is Last-Minute.

It Does, Doesn't It?

Why Didn't You Tell Kenny This Before?

I Don't Know.

I Hope It Doesn't Ruin The Evening.

(Doorbell Rings Weakly: "Ding...)

(Electrical Static)

(...Dong")

Oh, De... Deirdre.

Happy Birthday.

Sell It Somewhere Else.

I Was Just At Your House.

This Guy

In A Robe And A Baseball Cap Said You Were Here.

That's Not My Brother.

Tell Me Another Story.

How About The Party

That None Of My Friends Are Invited To?

Oh, Well, There's A Party--

It's Just An Intimate One.

How Long Have You Been Planning

This Intimate Party?

You Mean, In My Head, Or In My Heart?

Forget It, Kenny.

From The Moment I Met You

You've Been Making Up Stories And Excuses

To Get Out Of Trouble.

We Can't Live That Way.

This Is Unacceptable.

Good-Bye, Forever.

Deirdre, There's An Orchestra Coming.

Kenny, Get Some Help.

Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.

The Party's Coming Together.

What Party?

The Love Of My Life Is Gone... Forever.

What Happened?

She Saw Through My Desperate Party Plans

Like She Was Psychic.

Kenny, Don't Feel Bad.

It Was Just A Matter Of Time

Before She Saw Through You Anyway.

That Is The Last Time, Stanley.

Kenny, Why Don't You Go Talk To Her?

I Can't.

She Said It Was Forever.

I Can Talk To Her.

She Wouldn't Believe You.

You're My Friend.

Stanley Could Talk To Her.

Who? Who?

Come On, Look At It This Way.

Stanley Thinks You're A Creep.

If Stanley Said Nice Things About You

Deirdre Would Have To Believe Him.

If Stanley Says Nice Things About You.

Nope, Forget It.

It's Just The Three Of Us Again... Forever.

I'll Be At Deirdre's.

Thank You.

(Laughing Loudly)

I Got It!

I Got It!

♪ Da-Da! ♪

I'm Almost Finished.

Maybe You'd Like To Go In The Living Room

And Just Relax.

No, We Can't.

Check It Out.

Bam! I Got It!

The Patriot's Guide To Taxpaying.

I Got It.

♪ Pa-Pa! ♪

Where Did You Get That, Cliff?

Carlton's Bookstore, And It Was The Last One.

Read The Back.

First Of All, It's Written By Paxton Peidmont--

"Formerly With The I.R.S.

"Before He Was Drummed Out

For Giving Too Many Tax Tips To The American Taxpayer."

You Reading That Whole Book?

Listen, I've Already Been Skimming Through It

And I Got Some Passages Here For You.

"If You Work For The Government

And Are Disabled Because Of A Terrorist Attack..."

You Don't Have To Pay Taxes.

But You Don't Work For The Government

And You Are Not Disabled.

Just Answer Me This Now.

Has Or Has Not This House Been Under Siege?

Now, That's A Good Point.

Now, Now, Wait.

Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait.

Here's Another One.

If Our Trees Are Destroyed By Southern Pine Beetles

That's Deductible.

Um, Cliff, We Don't Live In The South.

Bugs Can Migrate.

Now, Didn't You Have Some People

Up Here From Virginia?

They Came Up Here.

They Could Have Carried The Little Critters

On Their Clothes

And They Could Have Jumped Up, And They Could Have Just...

There Could Have Been A Blight All In The Back Yard.

I'm Telling You, This Book Is On The Money.

Don't Try To Stop Me.

Now, Look Over My Shoulder.

Yes?

He Says Here

"This Is A Delectable Tax Deduction."

Your Office.

That Is Not Deductible.

If The Occupant-- Me-- Has Another Office

Where She Performs Most Of Her Work

A Home Office Is Not Deductible.

(Clears Throat)

And Furthermore

Since We Did Add That Room On

And Increased The Value Of The Home

Our Property Taxes Are Going Up.

That's Not Funny.

Let Me Ask You A Question:

Are We In This Together, Or What?

We Are In This Together

But You Know What?

I Would Do Better

If I Were In This Room By Myself Right Now.

I Could Collect These Receipts

Like We Have To Do Every Year This Time

And Take Them To The Accountant

And Between The Accountant And I

We Could Figure This Thing Out.

We Could Write Off This Book.

Good Afternoon.

Hey, Hi. How You Doing?

This Is

The Uptown String Quartet.

My Nephew Asked Us To Rehearse Here.

You All Go Ahead.

Enjoy Yourselves.

Kenny, May I See You For A Moment?

Oh, Excuse Me.

Where's Deirdre?

She's In The Living Room.

What Did She Say?

She Says

Before She Sees You Again, You Must Promise Three Things.

Well, Name Them.

Okay.

Number One:

To Be Completely Honest With Deirdre.

Done.

Number Two:

You Must Promise To Think Of Others

Before You Think Of Yourself.

Done.

And Number Three:

You Must Spend The Next Six Saturdays

Taking Boyfriend Lessons From Stanley's School Of Charm.

Oh, Come On.

That's Not On There.

Oh, But It Is.

Oh, And Kenny, I Want To Help You So Much.

Don't Come Near Me, Stanley.

Well, Deirdre's In The Living Room.

All You Have To Do Is Sign Right Here.

Now I Know I Love Her.

School Starts Next Saturday.

Hope You Graduate.

Hi, Deirdre.

Hello, Kenny.

I Got Your Note

And I Signed It.

I Would Have Taken Your Word For It

But I Wanted You To Know I Was Serious.

I Understand That.

I Deserve It.

One Of The Reasons I Like You

Is You Have A Great Imagination.

I Admired The Stories You Wrote In English.

I Never Thought I'd Be The Twist In One Of Your Plots.

Well, I Didn't Mean For It To Happen

And I Didn't Mean To Ruin Your Birthday.

I Just Got You The Wrong Present

And I Panicked.

Kenny, It's Okay To Panic.

It's When You Try To Cover It Up

Is When You Get In Trouble.

You're Right.

Why Don't We Start Over

And See How It Goes?

Good Idea.

Look, I Know This Is A Last-Minute Party

But I'd Be Honored

If You'd Come.

Okay, Kenny.

All: Happy Birthday, Deirdre!

Thank You, Kenny.

May I Have This Dance?

Certainly.

Rudy?

(Playing Slow Cha-Cha)