Original subtitles

Cliff.

What Are You Doing?

That's Dinner.

I Know What Time It's For.

I Was Just Making A Little Stew Sandwich.

At Least Use A Paper Towel.

Can I Have A Cup?

How About If You Just Get Out Of Here?

Hmm... You Used To Be A Nice Person

But Now You Are N-N-No Good.

Cold Woman Too.

Dinner At Danielle's.

Back By 9:00, Okay?

Rudy, Come Back Here.

Dinner Is Here. Set The Table.

Danielle's Expecting Me.

You Didn't Ask Me.

I Needs To Be With My Friends.

Besides, All You Ever Talk About Is Mortgages And Russia.

We'll Change The Conversation For You.

We'll Talk About Traffic And The Recession.

Set The Table For Five.

(Muttering:) Set The Table. Clear The Table.

Do You Have Something To Say?

Oh, No.

No, No.

Cliff...

Yeah.

They're Here.

What's Happening?

What Happened Here?

Am I Supposed To Leave?

Who's Here?

The Moody Rudy Blues.

Do They Itch?

Ah, To Be 13

And Afflicted With Parents.

Yes.

(Broken Doorbell Rings)

I'm Getting Close.

Did You Hear It Almost?

All I Need To Do Is Tighten That One Little Screw Again.

Almost, Dear.

Well.

Hey.

Prisoners Escaping From Their Homes.

You're Not Moving In Here, Are You?

Oh, Yes.

That's Right.

You Guys Are On Your Way Down To Look At Hillman College.

That's Right.

I Want To See If Hillman Is Worthy

Of The High Standards I Set For Myself.

Oh, Lance.

Clair: Charmaine, I Knew

You Received A Letter Of Acceptance.

Lance, You Got One Too?

I Got A Letter-- Something About A Wait List.

We'll Take Care Of That When I Get Down There.

For The Bon Voyage Dinner, What Do You Think?

This One Or This One?

There's More Than One Decision To Be Made.

Excuse Me-- Fashion Alert.

...Didn't Know What To Do With Herself.

Jumped Out There, And...

(Telephone Rings)

Ah, Ha-Ha! I Beat You To It.

Howdy-Do.

Please, Dad.

Hello, Danielle, Ma Belle.

How's Every Little Thing?

Just Well?

That's Swell. Do Tell.

Oh, You Want Rudy?

She Looks A Little Tired.

Dad, Come On.

(Teasingly:) Dad, Come On. Please, Please.

Just One Second.

I Think Lazarus Just Came Back.

Hey, Hey, Hey.

Hey, Danielle.

What's Up?

It Was Whack.

Yeah, I Was Cold Busted.

No, My Mom.

No Reason.

She Just Dissed Me.

All Right.

I'll Talk To You Tomorrow.

All Right. Peace Out. Bye.

"Peace Out"?

I Thought Peace Was In.

I Don't Know.

Bing-A-Bing, Whacka-Doom-Boom.

Well, Doctor...

Your Dinner's Ready.

Oh, Good.

I'm Ready.

Sondra And Elvin Are Late.

They Had An Appointment With Their Attorney.

Uh-Oh.

Now, I Resent That.

What Is That, "Uh-Oh"?

Every Time Somebody Sees A Lawyer, See

That Is Not Necessarily Bad News.

Sondra And Elvin Are Coming From The Lawyer

After Having A Meeting

And They Say They're Bringing Good News?

Uh-Oh.

Okay.

So Peace Out.

Sondra, How Is Your Bar Exam

Preparatory Course Coming?

Two More Weeks, And I Am Home Free.

What Perplexes Me Is

That Product Liability Precedent, Waverly V. Mulhern.

The Key To That Precedent Was Brockman V. Marshall.

There's Obvious Contributory Negligence

With Forethought On The Part Of The Plaintiff.

Oh, Contributory Negligence.

Well, Elvin.

Hmm?

The Shinbone Connects To The...

Connects To

The Thigh Bone.

Can I Go Now?

Okay, Honey. Go Ahead.

Thank You.

We're Sorry We Bored You.

Well, Mom And Dad, Now That Rudy's Gone

That Gives Us An Opportunity To Tell You Our Great News.

Rudy, Rudy...

Go On, Elvin, Go On.

Well, We've Got Our Life All Squared Away.

Sondra: That's Right, Mom And Dad.

Today We Went To See Our Lawyer

And We Drew Up Our Will.

Do I Get

My Car Back?

No, But You May Get Something Much More Precious.

And What's That?

In The Event Of Our Untimely Passing

From This Earthly World

We Are Considering Bestowing Upon You

The Honor Of Acting As Guardians.

Of What?

Of Winnie And Nelson.

You Want Us To Be Guardians To Your Children?

It Sounds Exciting, But Don't Jump The Gun

Because You Guys Are Only Finalists.

Well, What's Next, The Swimsuit Competition?

I Know This Is Awkward

But Why Don't You Let Us Explain

Our Process Of Selection To You

And Then You'll Understand It.

They're Going To Explain Their Process Of Selection

And Then We'll Understand It.

I Can Hear!

Okay, It's A Three-Step Process.

First, We Look At Emotional Stability.

Financial Stability.

And Accommodations.

We Started With Martin And Denise.

Martin Is Stable, But Denise...

Elvin: They Only Have

Olivia, And They've Already Dumped Her

Off On You.

Which Means If We Gave The Twins To Them

They'd End Up Here Anyway.

Right, So We Just Cut Out The Middleman.

Do You Understand That, Dear?

Direct From The Factory To Us.

Then We Thought About Vanessa And Dabnis.

But They're History.

What About Your Family?

You Still Have Some Parents, Don't You?

Yeah, Well, You Know, They're Retired.

They Like To Travel.

We Didn't Want To Burden Them.

Yeah, Yeah.

I Can Understand That, 'Cause I Hate To Travel

And Mrs. Huxtable Hates To Travel

And We Don't Ever Want To Travel.

As A Matter Of Fact, We Just Stay Home.

We Watch The Travel Channel.

Then We Thought Of Our Friends.

But You Know How That Can Be.

You Like Him, You Don't Trust Her.

You Trust Her, You Don't Like Him.

Yeah, I Certainly Understand That Part.

So Then, We Sat Down And We Thought About It.

And It Dawned On Us.

Who Are Really Our Best Friends?

I Have No Idea.

Mom, You Know.

You All Don't Get Out Much, Do You?

I've Done Some Estate Work, And I Would Counsel My Clients

To Choose A Guardian Closer To Their Own Age.

Frankly, Mom And Dad, Your Age Did Work Against You.

Good.

But If We Should Perish, Let's Say Tomorrow

The Kids Only Need A Guardian For Another 14 Years

So You'll Be Done Before You're 70.

We'll Be Done Before We're 70.

Hot Diggity Dog.

So Now, Listen...

Just Out Of The Sake Of Curiosity

Who Was The Competition?

Hey, Everybody.

Sorry I'm Late.

No, You're Not Late.

Nobody Invited You.

Well, Dad, Actually, We Invited Theo.

Meet Your Competition.

Elvin, This Is Not A Competition.

What's Not A Competition?

Elvin And I Are Choosing A Guardian For The Twins

And We Thought We Would Have

An Open Family Discussion About It.

And, Theo, You Are One Of The Finalists.

Elvin: Hey, You Know What?

Why Don't We Go Into The Living Room

For A Little Child-Rearing Q &Amp; A?

How About It? Mom, Dad, Huh?

We'll Be Right There.

Okay, Great.

Hey, Cool.

A Little Child-Rearing Q &Amp; A?

Well, He's Lucky I Don't Q His A.

That's A Tricky Question, Elvin

But For The Record

A Parent Should Not Abuse Their Authority.

However, Children Should Know Who's In Charge.

Hmm. Hmm.

Good.

Um... Sondra And Elvin

Your Mother And I Would Like To Talk To You.

Oh, Sure, Dad.

We Just Want You To Think--

To Take Time Out For A Minute And Think

And Consider Life As A 12-Hour Day.

You're Born At Sunrise

And You Are Just Alert.

I Mean, Your Body Is Fit.

You Are Cooking.

And You Get To Noon, And You Have Peaked.

You Are All The Way Up There, Nothing Against You.

You Just Fight... You're Full Of It.

And Your Mother And I

Are In Life Somewhere Around 4:15.

See...

No, Dear.

I'm At 3:30.

Well, It Doesn't Make Any Difference.

Whatever It Is, It's Getting Dark.

Sondra And Elvin, Put Those Pads Down.

Now, Look--

Your Father And I Have Raised Theo

To The Best Of Our Abilities

And We Are Confident That He Will Make

An Excellent Guardian For Your Children.

Elvin: Well...

Uncle Theo...

Congratulations.

Yeah, Thanks.

Wow, I Don't Know What To Say.

This Is Great.

You Guys Entrusting Winnie And Nelson To Me.

Yeah...

Well, Um, Theo...

Sondra And I Feel

That You Have The Values And The Moral Fiber

To Carry On The Tibideaux Torch.

Of Course, There Are Some Formalities.

We'll Have To Disclose All Of Our Assets To You--

Checking, Savings, Safety Deposit, Investments.

Of Course, You'll Be The Beneficiary.

Oh, Good.

I Mean, Well...

Bad That You're Going To Be Dead

But Good That I'll Have Money

To Help Raise The Kids.

So, In Terms Of Assets

How Much We Talking?

If It's Too Personal, I Understand.

No, It's Not Too Personal.

Assets.

(Clears Throat)

We Have The House.

Well, Technically, The Bank Owns The House.

Other Assets.

We Have Two Cars.

One's Mom's And Dad's, Isn't It?

We Have A Car.

And We Paid For It.

No, Honey. Actually, We're Still Paying On The Car.

So You Have Half A Car.

Approximately, Yes.

Okay.

We Can Still Work This Out.

Um, You Said Something

About Savings And Investments, Right?

We Have The Twins' Birthday Bonds From Mom And Dad.

We Also Have The Savings Account.

Got To Stay Liquid.

How Liquid, Elvin?

Very Liquid, Theo.

It's Just Not A Lot There To Pour.

And, Of Course, We Have Life Insurance.

And Exactly What Would That Cover

If You Two Pass On?

The Burial.

Once Elvin Finishes His Residency

And I Pass The Bar And Get A Job

Our Financial Outlook Will Improve.

That's Right.

(Laughing)

What Happens If You Guys Go Tomorrow?

Come On, Guys, I'm A Student.

I'm A Grad Student.

I Can't Raise Two Kids On Birthday Bonds.

We Can't Give The Twins To Theo.

He Has Nothing.

He Lives In That Crummy Apartment.

He Doesn't Even Have A Job.

What Happened To Carrying The Torch, And Moral Fiber?

Grow Up, Theo.

There's No Cash.

Kids Can't Eat Moral Fiber.

We Are Too Far In Debt To Die.

If One Of Us Survives

The Kids Will Be Taken Care Of.

We Just Have To Avoid Dying At The Same Time.

Right. We Just Can't Be Anywhere Together.

We'll Take Separate Airplanes.

Separate Cars.

Separate Vacations.

Separate Rooms.

No, No, No.

Not Separate Rooms.

Some Things Are Worth Dying For.

Okay, Guys, Guys, Guys, Excuse Me.

So This Means You Don't Need Me, Right?

No! No, No.

Just The Opposite.

Theo, You're Our Will To Live.

You're Going To Be Our Guardian.

We Know You're A Student, And Don't Have Much Money

So If Something Does Happen To Us

And You Run Out Of Money, Who You Going To Call?

(Knock At Door)

Who Is It?

Uh, It's Dad.

Oh, Hi.

Hey. How You Doing?

Fine.

Okay.

Well, Been A Long Time Since I Been Up Here.

I Did A Little Redecorating.

Yeah, Yeah.

And, Uh...

Dad, Is There Something You Wanted?

Uh, Yeah.

I Just Wanted To, Uh...

To Just, Uh, Talk To You, I Guess.

I Just Came Up To Your Room, You Know, Homegirl

To Have A Little Chitchat With You.

Whoa!

That's Kind Of...

It's An Anti-Old-People Bed, Huh?

Anyway, I Just Wanted To Talk To You.

You Know, Just Say A Few Things.

I Was Just Wondering

Is There A Point In A Young Person's Life

Of, Let's Say, Age 13

Where The Mother And The Father Are Just Always... Wrong?

Dad...

No, No, Help Me.

This Is What I Want You To Help Me With.

Dad, It's Just...

Come On, Say It.

You And Mom...

Yeah, Right, That's Who We Are.

Use Some Verbs

And Some Nouns To It, And It Will Come Out.

Come On.

It's Everything, It's The Whole World.

The Whole World.

The Whole World.

Whole World.

Everything's The Same.

Everything's The Same.

I Want To Change.

I Want To Do Things The Way I Want To Do Them.

That's What I Want To Do Too.

And You Don't Have To Eat Dinner Here Either.

Are You Talking About Somebody's Cooking?

I Know What Happened

With The Thing With Danielle

But You Didn't Ask Mom Way In Advance

If You Could Go Over.

It Was A Spur Of The Moment.

Mom Had Dinner Planned.

Why Should I Have To Be Here For Dinner

And All The Conversation At Dinner Is

Law Talk Or Doctor Talk, And I Don't Understand It?

Why Can't I Be With My Friends And Talk About What We Want?

Because Your Friends Have Not Chipped In

And Purchased A House.

In The Past Four Years, Had You Saved A Quarter A Day

Five Days A Week From Your Lunch Money

Eight Of You Could Be Living Next Door To Us

With The House Paid For.

But, No, You Chose To Live Here.

That's My Point.

Do You Understand What I'm Saying?

No, You Don't

Because I Have No Idea What I'm Saying.

Now Come Over Here

'Cause This Is Getting Silly.

It's Getting Silly.

Now Put Your Arm Around Me.

Now, Do You Know The Word "Love"?

Yeah.

Okay, You Know What Love Means

If Somebody Says "I Love You," Yes?

Yes.

Okay, Do You Love Me?

Yeah.

You're Having A Problem Saying This?

Okay, If You Love Me

Then Kiss Me On My Cheek With Love.

Pitiful.

On A Scale To One To Ten, That Was A Two.

I Love You.

You See?

Mm-Hmm.

Huh?

Do You Love Me?

Mm-Hmm.

(Blows Loud Raspberry)

That's A Ten.