Original subtitles

This Is It.

I'm Telling You, It Is Not Funny, Dear.

I'm... I'm...

This Is The Last Time.

I Had Counted When Rudy Came That I Would Not Have To Go Out

And Monitor Any More Museum Trips

For Five-Year-Old Children.

Then This Child Comes, And Here We Go Again.

I Don't Want To Do This Anymore.

You're Being Silly.

It's Just A Field Trip To The Desoto Museum.

"It's Just A Field Trip To The Desoto Museum."

You Can Say That Because You're Not Going

And You're A Person

Who Has No Class.

You Know Why?

You Know Why?

Because If You Had Class

You Would Look At Me And Realize That My Job As A Baby Doctor

Is To Deliver These People

And Now These People Are Going To Deliver Me.

She's Counting On It, Cliff.

Just Think Of Everything Olivia And Her Classmates Will Learn.

I Know What They're Going To Learn.

They're Going To Learn To Look At Me And See A Person

That They Can Tap With Their Little Finger.

You Ever Had Those Little Taps?

And They're All Behind You And All Over Here

And They Start As Soon As You Get Off The Bus.

"Can I Have Some Juice?

I Have Juice."

No, We Don't Eat Till 1:00.

"But I Want Some Juice Now

Because My Mother Said I Could Have Some Juice."

And Then They Start Digging In Places

And You Don't Know What They're Digging For

Or What's Wrong.

Oh, Come On.

You're Not Alone.

I'm Not Alone?

No! You've Got Jeffrey Engels.

Jeffrey Engels?!

Ha! Jeffrey Engels?!

Jeffrey Engels Is A Rookie!

He Knows Nothing

And On Top Of That, He Overdresses For Everything.

Jeffrey Engels?

We Went To A Simple Kazoo Concert.

His Daughter Played The Kazoo.

Her Part Was...

(Imitating Kazoo)

He Wore A Tuxedo, A Top Hat, Had A Scarf On

And Conducted Her Little...

(Imitating Kazoo)

Hey, Good Morning.

How You Doing?

You're Here Early For The Middle Of The Week.

Oh, Well, I'm Awaiting My Delivery.

I'm Having 144 T-Shirts Sent Here.

You Know How The Community Center

Always Needs Money.

We're Going To Silk-Screen T-Shirts

And Sell Them For Ten Dollars.

That Sounds Good.

I Found A Secondhand Silk-Screening Press

And A Store To Donate The Paints

And By Having The T-Shirts Delivered Here

I Save Freight Costs.

I Figure We Sell 300 T-Shirts A Weekend

20 Weekends, We'll Have Enough Money

To Buy A Computer For Every Kid In The Center.

Or We Can Move The Center To The Caribbean

But I'll Make That Call When The Time Comes.

Well, Let Me Know If You Need Any Legal Help

For Your Vendor's License.

I Got It.

Your Tax I.D. Number?

J-2-1-0-7.

Well, Now Listen Up.

If You Need Any Help With The Slogans

For The T-Shirts

I'm Your Man.

Well, Dad, Thanks A Lot

But I Got The Kids Making Designs.

Yeah, But See, Designs Are Fine

But Words Are Much Stronger.

What Kind Of Words?

Things Like, "I Am Over 18

And I Have My Own Apartment."

Try This One--

"My Parents Gave It All They Had

But I Didn't."

"I Finally Found Myself, That's Why I'm Not Here."

Dad, Thanks A Lot

But I Got It Under Control.

You Got It Under Control?

Oh, And Here's Another One.

This One Would Be My All-Time Favorite

And This Would Be A Big Seller--

"I Paid My Parents Back All The Money That I Borrowed

And I Feel Good About Myself."

You Can Put That On The Front.

You Can Put It On The Back.

You Can Put It On The Side.

You Could Get A Branding Iron And Hit Them With That.

Start My Own T-Shirt Company.

♪ Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, Yeah, Yeah ♪

♪ I'm Going On A Field Trip ♪

♪ With All Of My Friends ♪

♪ First One Ever ♪

♪ Going On A Big Yellow Bus. ♪

♪ You're Going To Ride On The Big Yellow Bus ♪

♪ And Let Me Tell You That The Seats Are Not Padded ♪

♪ On The Big Yellow Bus ♪

♪ And All The Springs Are Like This ♪

♪ You'll Be Bouncing Up And Down ♪

♪ There's No Air Conditioning, So The Sweat Will Be Running ♪

♪ On The Big Yellow Bus ♪

♪That You Think's Going To Be A Lot Of Fun. ♪

♪ But We'll Still Be Happy. ♪

♪ That's What You Think. ♪

♪ Is My Lunch In Here? ♪

♪ Mm-Hmm. ♪

Yes, Your Lunch Is In There.

Mrs. Huxtable Packed For Both Of Us.

♪ Ooh, This Is Mine. ♪

♪ Just What I Wanted. ♪

Uh-Huh.

This Must Be Yours.

What Is It?

I Don't Know.

Mrs. Huxtable Packed It For Me.

She Said She Was Going To Make It.

Rice Cakes...

And Tuna.

No Mayonnaise...

No Mustard...

No Flavor.

But That's All Right.

See, On The Field Trips

The Best Part Is Trading Food

And Trading Sandwiches.

(Knocking At Door)

Come In!

Hey, Neighbor.

Oh, No.

Well, Don't You Two Look... Together.

Boy, I Brought Some Things That Are Going To Come In Handy

On The Field Trip.

I Got These Camp Songs Here For The Bus.

Wait, No, No, No.

Listen...

Uh, Do Me A Favor.

Put That Back In Your Bag.

But This Is...

Put It..!

Don't Want Any...

I Don't Mean To Yell At You.

I Don't Want Any Camp Songs.

I Don't Want Any John Jacob Thing.

I Don't Want To Hear Any Hundred Bottles.

I Don't Want Any Bears Coming Over The Mountains.

Just Leave It Alone.

Trust Me.

All Right.

What's Up, Mr. Engels?

Hey, Leslie.

Hey!

You Ready For The Trip?

Oh, You Bet.

We're All Set.

Well, Listen, Here's One For The Bus Ride.

♪ Found A Peanut ♪

♪Found A Peanut♪

♪Found A Peanut Right Now♪

♪Just Now I Found A Peanut♪

♪Found A Peanut Right Now♪

♪Found A Peanut♪

♪Found A Peanut♪

♪Found A Peanut Right Now...♪

Engels: And This Is A Grizzly Bear.

(Children:) Ooh!

Yes. I Would Like You To Take Note

That "The Grizzly Bear Is A Relative

Of The Alaskan Brown Bear."

Please Keep Looking.

"Although It Weighs Up To 1,000 Pounds..."

Over Here.

"...It Can Actually Move Almost As Fast As A Lion."

Is That True, Daddy?

Yeah, Mr. Engels, Is That True?

Of Course, It's True, Boy!

I'm Reading From The Thing Here.

There's A Lot More To Bears

Than What's Written On That Plaque, Cliff.

I Mean, The Grizzly Bear--

Ursus Horribilis--

Is One Of The World's Largest Living Omnivores.

This Is A Bear.

It's A Big Bear.

It's A Big, Brown Bear.

Could That Bear Eat Me Up?

Well, It Could If It Were Alive And You Provoked It.

So That's A Real Bear?

Well, The Bear Was Once A Real Bear.

I Think I Saw It Move.

Yes, You See

It's The Light Shining On The Glass

That Makes The Bear's Eyes Sparkle.

It's Very Realistic.

Is That True, Dr. Huxtable?

Well, It's Hard To Say, Children.

You See, Um, These Bears Actually Move

But They Would Have To Pay Rent.

Dioramas Aren't Cheap

Mainly Because Of The View, You See?

So If The Bears Moved

People Would Say, "We Have To Charge You For Living Here."

So They Stay Like That.

However, When I'm Visiting A Museum

And I Know That These Things Can Move

And, Certainly, If You Will Notice

The Teeth--

Those Teeth

Are For Tearing Flesh.

And I Must Say

That They Love To Tear

Noisy Flesh.

And They Love A Chase.

Now, What I Do, If I Want To See It Move

Is I Will Turn My Back

To The Bears Like So

And Then I Will Say Out Loud, Faking Them Out

"Well, I Guess I'll Go To The Next Exhibit."

And When I Do That, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye

I Know That This Bear Is Going To Move

And So I Turn

And As Soon As I Know It's Moving

I Take These Eyes

And I Swing Them Back!

It's Alive!

It's Alive!

(Screaming)

Here Yet?

Not Yet.

The Truck Must Be Running Late Or Something.

(Doorbell Ringing)

Must Be Them.

(Truck Door Slamming And Engine Starting)

Hey, Thanks!

(Tires Squealing)

He Must Have Been In A Rush.

Mom, I Got Such A Great Deal On These Shirts Here.

Check This Out.

100% Cotton.

I Got A Good Discount

Because The Style Has Been Discontinued

But Mr. Starkey, Who's A Very Resourceful Guy

Said There's Plenty More Where These Came From.

It Certainly Seems Roomy.

That Way They Can Shrink

When You Wash It.

Theo...

Did I Miss Something Here?

Do I Have This On Backwards, Honey?

Where's The Tag?

Uh, It's Got To Be Where The Neck Is.

Where's The Neck?

Honey, Come On.

Help Me With This Thing.

I Can't Help You.

I Can't Even Help Myself.

There's Got To Be Some Mistake Here.

I Hope So.

All The Shirts Can't Be Like This.

Maybe If I Pull This Thread Here...

Wait A Minute.

Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait.

Oh, Mom, I Don't Believe This.

I Spent The Center's Money On These Shirts.

So, Just Cancel The Check.

Good Idea.

Good Idea.

Cancel The Check.

I Didn't Pay By Check, Mom.

Well, I Got A 20% Discount By Paying In Cash.

That 20% Must Have Been The Neck Sewer's Salary.

Why Don't You Let Me Talk To This Guy?

No, I Got It Under Control.

Me And Mr. Starkey Been Working Together.

It's Cool.

Hey, Mr. Starkey.

How You Doing?

This Is Theodore Huxtable.

I Got A Slight Problem With These T-Shirts.

There Are No Neck Holes.

Well, Yes, I'm Sure.

They Didn't Leave The Warehouse That Way?

Are You Telling Me

The Truck Driver Pulled Off To The Side Of The Road

And Sewed Up All The Neck Holes?

What Do You Mean, "He's Done It Before"?

Listen, Mr. Starkey

I Want My Money Back, And I Want It Back Now.

Hello?

He's Going To Get Back To Me.

Just Your Own Lunches Now.

No One Else's.

No One Else's Name.

All Right.

That's Just Fine.

Now Don't Anybody Eat Yet.

Don't Anybody Eat Yet.

Now, I'm Sure

That Someone Would Like To Exchange

For My...

Wonderful...

Tuna Fish... Sandwich.

I'll Trade With You, Dr. Huxtable.

Marlon, My Friend

Thank You.

Wait A Minute.

What Kind Of Sandwich Have You?

Roast Beef On A Roll...

With Some Nice Russian Dressing...

A Little Pickle...

And Some Potato Salad On The Side.

Marlon...

Trade.

Thank You, Marlon, So Much.

You're Welcome.

Enjoy Yourself.

Oh... Yes.

Hey! This Tuna's On Coasters.

I'm Sorry, Marlon...

But You Made Your Choice.

(Children Softly Chanting:) Cheater, Cheater, Cheater

(Louder:) Cheater, Cheater, Cheater

(Very Loudly:) Cheater, Cheater, Cheater!

Cheater, Cheater, Cheater!

Now, You Listen To Me, Starkey, Man.

This Is The Last Message I'm Leaving On Your Machine--

Lucky 13--

And I'm Telling You Now, If I Ever

Ever Find Out Where You Live, I'm Coming After You.

(Machine Beeping)

Mom, Listen, I'm Glad You're Here.

Could You Do Me A Big Favor?

What?

Call Mr. Starkey And Pretend You're A Customer.

I Want You To Order 600 Dozen Shirts

Style Number Seven.

The Neckless Ones?

I Just Want You To Order A Lot So He'll Pick Up The Phone.

No Problem.

Okay, It's Ringing.

Now, When He Picks Up, Just Give Me The Phone.

Hello, This Is Clair Hanks Of Universal Silk Screens

And I Would Like To Order 600 Dozen T-Shirts.

Hello?

Mr. Starkey?

Did I Say 600?

What I Meant To Say Is That I Am The Senior Partner

At The Law Firm Bradley, Greentree, And Dexter

And I Represent Mr. Theodore Huxtable.

No, You Listen.

You Sold A Product In This State.

Therefore, You Gave Mr. Huxtable A Warranty Of Usability.

Now Unless You Can Round Up 144 People

With Neither Head Nor Neck

To Speak On Behalf Of Your T-Shirts

We Are Prepared To Take Action.

That's What I Thought You'd Say.

So We'll Have The Money By The Close Of Business Today?

We Thank You.

Done.

Whoa...

I Mean, Thanks, Mom.

I Mean, I'm Impressed

But I'm Also Embarrassed.

He Doesn't Know I'm Your Mother.

No, That's Not The Embarrassing Thing.

Here I Am, Mr. Entrepreneur

And I Fall For The Oldest One In The Book--

The Something-For-Nothing Scam.

Man, When They Tell You

They're Taking 20% Off The Top

They Mean It.

Yeah, Well, You Get What You Pay For.

Speaking Of Which

You Owe Me $150 For That Phone Call

And As Your Attorney

I Would Advise You Not To Go To Your Mother For The Funds.

(Snickering)

Oh, Dear. Please Help Me.

I Got A Field Trip Hangover.

Oh, What Are Your Symptoms, Doctor?

Oh, My Symptoms Are...

I Don't Want To Hear Another Child's Voice

As Long As I Live.

I Don't Even Want To Hear One

If It Says, "I'm Leaving."

I Got Cooler Burns

On My Hands.

Oh...

I Don't Think They'll Ever Recover.

I'll Put Some Lotion On That For You.

They're Just Raw.

Ooh...

Ooh...

Yeah.

Ooh...

How's That?

What Do You Mean, How Is That?

That's One Of The Dumbest Questions

I've Ever Heard.

Now Is There Anything Else I Can Do?

You Can Reload Over There.

Okay.

Give You A Nice Big One.

Ooh, Yes.