Original subtitles

(Laughing)

This Is Good.

What's So Funny?

The Comics.

Which One?

"Over The Edge."

Can I See?

Oh, Sure.

This Guy Is A Farmer And That Guy Is A Martian.

You See How That Farmer

Is Holding That Big Bottle Of Soda?

Yes.

The Martian Is Saying

"No, I Said Take Me To Your Leader."

(Laughing)

You're Laughing, But Do You Get It?

No.

I'll Explain It.

The Farmer Is Holding A Liter-- L-I-T-E-R.

That's A Measurement

But The Martian Wanted To Be Taken To His Leader

L-E-A-D-E-R.

Like The President Or The Mayor.

That's Not Funny.

Yes, It Is.

If There Was A Bug In The Farmer's Bottle

That Would Be Funny.

(Laughing)

Hey, Hey, Hey.

Good Morning, Everybody.

Good Morning, Mom.

Oh, No.

What's The Matter?

Mom, You've Got To Look At This.

Jake's Appliance Store Is Having A Big Sale.

"Jake's Big Semi-Annual Clearance Sale, One Day Only.

Electric Sanders, 50% Off."

If Dad Sees That, He's Going To Want A Sander.

And He'll Sand Everything In Sight.

Burn This Page.

You Can't. Dad Reads Every Page Of The Paper.

Why Not Hide It And Say It Never Came?

That Is Perfect.

You Can Always Depend On A Child

To Come Up With A Sneaky Solution.

Thank You, Mom.

Cliff: Clair, Where Are You, Dear?

I'm Downstairs, But I'm Coming Up!

No, Don't Come Up.

I'm Coming Down.

Don't Look At That Pot.

Look, You Know The Pen You Were Looking For?

Found It.

Oh, You're So Good To Me.

Sit Down And Have Some Yogurt.

I Just Want To Get A Little Something...

How's Everybody?

Fine.

Just Reading The Paper.

All The Parts That Came.

Father Reads The Paper First.

I've Told You.

Where's The Metro Section?

That Part Didn't Come, Dear.

Somebody Just Didn't Assemble The Paper Correctly, I Guess.

They Put Four Or Five Million Of These Together.

They're Bound To Mess One Up.

Yeah, You Know, I've Been Thinking

This Paint Is Chipping.

I Think What I'm Going To Do Is Sand All These Doors

And Paint All Around The Place.

That Door Doesn't Need Sanding

And I Love That Color.

Don't You Think That Color's Perfect?

Great.

Beautiful.

Well, I'll Think About It When I Come Back.

Where Are You Going?

Not For Another Paper?

No, No, No, No, No, Got A Flyer.

A Flyer Came.

"Jake's Giant Sale.

"Semi-Annual Clearance, 50% Off, One Day Only

Electric Sander."

(Makes Buzzing Noise)

You Can't Go.

Don't You Have An Appointment?

Yes, But It's Not Until 10:00

And By The Way

Save Me Some Of That Metro Paper Stew.

Aren't You A Little Bit Old For This Kind Of Thing?

(Phone Ringing)

All Right, All Right, All Right.

Jake's.

Yes, This Is Clair Huxtable Speaking.

Dr. H Is Coming Down, Right?

Jake, You Know He Has A Bit Of A Problem

Controlling Himself In Your Store.

Because We Have The Best Prices In Town.

I'm Certain That You Do, But Listen.

When He Comes To The Store

He's Going To Want To Buy Something.

Don't Sell It To Him.

But He's One Of My Favorite Customers.

How Can I Do That?

Because I'm Telling You, Jake.

He Is Going To Want

An Electric Sander.

I'm Sorry, I'm Having... What?

I'm Having A Little Trouble Here With The Phone.

That's A Very Tired Trick.

You Heard Every Word.

No Sander.

Now, Promise Me.

Okay, I Promise.

No Sander.

You're A Strong Woman, Mrs. H.

Good-Bye.

Bye.

It's Nice That You Finally Listened To Mrs. Huxtable.

Hey, I Love That Family

And She's A Killer Attorney.

Why Don't We Put These Sanders Behind The Counter.

Okay, But This Hurts.

I Had A Guaranteed Sale With The Doctor.

I Know.

Hey!

Here He Is, The Good Doctor.

How Are You?

Cookie, How You Doing?

I Always Look Forward To My Visits With You.

How You Doing?

I'm Doing Fine.

What Is This?

Oh, That's A Cabinet I Built.

Yeah, I Used Wooden Pegs Instead Of Nails.

Jake, If I Could Do That Kind Of Work...

Hey, If I Could Only Deliver Babies, You Know.

The Good Lord Puts Us Down Here All For Different Reasons.

I Build Cabinets.

You Slap Bottoms.

That's Right, But Here We Go.

"Sale--" Pow, "Electric Sanders, 50% Off."

Let Me Have One.

Cookie, How Are We Doing With The Sanders?

Sorry, We're All Sold Out.

Sold Out?

You Just Opened 15 Minutes Ago, Jake.

Yeah, I Know, But When I Got Here...

The Store, The People... There Was Such A Crowd Outside.

They Were Holding The Papers

And The Ads, Flyers

Yelling, "We Want Sanders!"

It Sounded Like A Political Rally.

They Went Like Hot Cakes.

Well, That's Too Bad Because I Had My Heart Set

On Sanding And Painting.

I'll Sell You Some Sandpaper.

Do It By Hand.

It Will Be Like Aerobics.

Please Hurry It Up Because I'm 15 Minutes Late.

There Was A Terrible Traffic Accident Out There.

Dr. Huxtable...

Never Say "Traffic Accident" In Front Of My Father.

Did Somebody Say "Traffic Accident"?

Yeah.

I Was Late Coming In Because...

You Said "Traffic Accident."

Dad, Come On, Don't Start.

I'm Not Starting Anything.

Let Me Tell You Something About A Traffic Accident.

It Can't Be As Annoying As A Traffic Accident I Had

Ten Years Ago

With That Bum, Stanley Rappaport.

I Was Here, Right On Flatbush And Park Place, Okay?

Excuse Me.

My Car Was Right Here At A Stop Sign, All Right?

Right In Front Of Me Is That Bum...

Excuse Me.

Right Here Is That Bum, That Stanley Rappaport

In A Fancy Car

He Owed Payments On.

Excuse Me, Please, Excuse Me.

All Right, Now, Watch This.

Over Here Is A Tree, Over Here Was A Lamppost

Over Here Was A Small Dog.

Yeah.

Now, Right At That Moment, As Fate Would Have It

The Knob On My Radio Falls Off

On The Floor.

I Start To Reach For The Knob When All Of A Sudden, Boom!

He Plows Right Into My Front End.

I'm Sure He Had The Car In Reverse

Because He Backed Into Me, See?

Sure.

I Start To Yell, "Look What You Did!"

And Rappaport Jumps Out Of The Car Like A Madman.

He Says, "Look What I Did?

"Look What You Did.

You Ran Into Me."

I Was Sitting In My Car Looking For My Knob.

I Wasn't Even Driving.

Okay.

It Wound Up I Had To Pay A Repair Bill

For $35 To That Cheat

That Bum, That Stanley Rappaport.

It Wasn't Even My Fault.

Yeah...

Could I Have My Sandpaper?

You'll Get Your Sandpaper

But Rappaport Will Never Get Sandpaper From Me.

He Won't Even Get Sand.

Dad, Calm Down.

I'm Calm.

I Didn't Make Up One Word.

I'm Really Sorry About That.

That's Okay.

It's Just My Father Has Never Gotten Over That Accident.

I See That.

Dr. Huxtable, There's Something

I'd Like To Talk To You About Privately.

Could I Stop By Your Office Today?

Sure, Is 12:30 All Right?

Fine. There's Somebody I'd Like You To Meet.

Please Don't Mention This To My Father.

No, I Won't Mention That Or Traffic Accident.

Somebody Mention "Traffic Accident?"

No, Nobody.

I Thought I Heard...

I Thought-- I'm Hearing Lately, Things.

All Right, Here's The Sandpaper.

Fine And Coarse.

It's Too Bad I Couldn't Get An Electric Sander.

Yeah, I Feel Bad About That Too.

As A Matter Of Fact, I Was Willing To Pay

More Than 50% Off.

Oh, Yeah?

How Much More?

Well, I Was Figuring

Maybe You Had Something That Was In The Back

That You Felt

Maybe A Customer Wasn't Going To Pick Up.

I Would Take It Off Your Hands For 25% Off.

25% Off?

From The Back, That A Customer...

Not Necessarily.

If It Was Really Tough For You

I Would Pay The Full Price.

Full Price?

Yeah.

Do You Remember The Tool Belt You Tried To Sell Me?

I Didn't Want It.

Yeah, The Tool...

Well, If I Could Get...

Yes?

The Electric Sander

I'd Be Willing To Buy The Tool Belt.

Tool Belt Too, With The...

Full Price.

Full Price?

Cookie.

Thanks For Taking The Time To See Us.

I Would Like You To Meet My Fiance, Johnathan.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable.

Well, Congratulations.

Sit Down.

Listen, Your Father Never Told Me

That You Were Engaged.

He Doesn't Know Yet.

So, You're Going To Surprise Him

And You Came Here For A Blood Test.

I'll Give You 50% Off.

Bong!

No, That's Not Why We're Here.

I... Because...

Oh, Johnathan

Tell Dr. Huxtable Your Last Name.

Rappaport.

My Father Is Stanley Rappaport.

Traffic Accident.

Right.

Oh, Yeah, Oh, Wow.

For The Past 11 Months

We've Had To Keep Our Romance Secret.

Well, Yeah.

It's Been Ten Years And Our Fathers

Still Refuse To Speak To Each Other.

One Time Johnathan And I Were In The City Together

And My Father Saw Us.

We Were On The Corner Of 57th And My Father Was Parked

Across The Street.

In The Intersection Was A Fire Hydrant...

Honey, Honey.

Oh, Anyway, My Father-- He Saw Us

He Went Completely Crazy.

He Dragged Me Away, Ranting And Raving

Carrying On That He Never Wanted Me

To Speak To That Rappaport Kid Again.

Your Father Anything Like Her Father?

Worse.

Really?

His Father Was My Dad's Best Man At His Wedding

And Now, There's Been Ten Years Of Feuding.

Dr. Huxtable

Johnathan And I Love Each Other

And We Love Our Fathers

But We're Going To Get Married

Whether Or Not Our Fathers Want Us To.

So, Would You Tell Them, Please?

Tell Them What?

To Stop This Stupid Fighting.

We Want Them To Give Us Their Blessings.

We Want To Have A Wonderful Wedding.

My Father Respects You, Doctor.

If He's Ever Going To Listen To Anyone

It Would Be You.

Hey, Mom.

What Are You Doing?

The Lever On This Toaster Wasn't Working

So I Took Your Father's Do-It-Yourself Book

And I Did It Myself.

Good Idea. He Won't Have To Ruin Yet Another Appliance.

He'll Go To Jake's

And Buy A Toaster That Looks More Like An Industrial Oven.

I Hadn't Planned On Eating While I Was Here

But As Soon As You Fixed The Toaster

I Might As Well Break It In With A Tuna On Toast.

Toast On, Son, Toast On.

Dear...

Hey, Hungry Home Boy!

Hey, Dad.

What's Happening, Kid?

How Was Your Work Today?

Well, It Was Quite Unusual.

Jake's Daughter Came Up With Her Fiance

To Ask Me To Talk To Her Father And His Father

Because They're Feuding

And These Two Are Going To Get Married

And It Looks Like If They Don't Patch Things Up

These Guys Are Not Coming To The Wedding.

Oh, Whoa!

Oh!

Mom, Are You Sure You Read That Fix-It Book Right?

Did You Fix The Toaster, Dear?

Well, I Thought I Did.

Step Out Of The Way.

Now, See, This Thing Is Done For.

That's It.

Now, See, I'm Going To Have To Go Down To Jake's

And Get A Toaster.

No, No, No, No, You're Not Going

Down To Jake's, Dear.

Why Am I Not Going Down..?

Because You Are Weak.

I'm Not Weak.

I Went Down To Jake's This Morning.

Did I Come Back With Anything?

I Was Down At The Basement.

I Saw A Brand-New Electric Sander

Still In Its Box

Hidden In One Of The Children's Sleeping Bags.

Yeah? So? What Does That Mean?

Theo Could Have Bought The Thing And Put It Down There.

You're Stretching Now, Dad.

I'm Not Angry About It, Honey.

You're Weak.

I Know This.

I Accept It.

I Understand.

And I'll Be Back With A Toaster.

Now, You...

You Could Have Taken The Heat, Man.

You Come Here, You Eat My Food.

All I Ask You To Do Is Take The Heat

For The Thing In The Basement

And You Turn Around And Give Me What?

Grief.

Grief.

I'm Sorry.

No, No, No.

Hey, Hey, Come Here.

Now, Put The Food Back.

(Intercom Buzzes)

Hello?

Mrs. Mckechnie: Dr. Huxtable, There's A Mr. Rappaport Here To See You.

Yes, Yes, And The Gentleman In Examination Room B--

Bring Him In Also, Please.

How Are You, Mr. Rappaport?

You're Dr. Huxtable?

Yes, I Am, Sir.

My Son Said You Wanted To See Me.

That Is Correct, Sir.

But I've Already Had My Physical.

I'm Not That Kind Of Doctor.

I'm A Baby Doctor.

Oh, But My Wife Is Over 65.

No, No, No... (Knocking)

Yes?

Oh, Doctor...

Stanley Rappaport!

What Is He Doing Here?

I Go Where I Please.

It's A Free Country.

Sure. For Him, It's A Free Country.

He Hits Cars And Takes Money From People.

Now, Gentlemen...

Don't Say "Gentlemen" In His Presence.

Time Hasn't Made You Any More Reasonable.

Listen!

Listen To Me, Both Of You, Please.

I Was Asked To Bring The Two Of You Together

So We Could Settle This Silly Feud About A Traffic Accident.

Traffic Accident?! Traffic Accident?!

I Was Sitting Here Near The Stop.

He Was Right In Front Of Me With His Fancy Car.

Over Here Was A Dog.

Over Here Was A Lamppost.

No, It Was A Telephone Pole And It Wasn't A Dog.

It Was A Cat.

Now, I Want Both Of You To Stop It

Because I'm Here To Tell You

That Your Children Are Going To Get Married.

To Whom?

His Daughter To Your Son.

Your Son To His Daughter.

And They're Going To Get Married

Whether The Two Of You Make Up Or Not.

Never! Over My Dead Body.

Never!

Dr. Huxtable, Is This True?

Yes.

Is My Son Going To Marry The Daughter Of Jake Bennett?

Yes.

And They're Going To Have The Wedding

Whether We're There Or Not?

Whether You're There Or Not.

Call Him Back In.

It Isn't Necessary.

I Had Mrs. Mckechnie Lock The Front Door.

Good Move.

That Was A Dirty Trick.

Jake, Please Sit Down.

There's Something I Want To Say.

Tell Him I Don't Want To Listen To Any More Of His Lies.

Come On, Sit Down.

I'll Do It For You, Doctor.

Step Aside!

Jake, Please Listen To Me.

The Day Of The Accident

I Had A Terrible Argument With My Wife

So I Ran Out Of The House, Got In My Car And Drove Around.

When I Got To The Stop Sign

I Thought

"Maybe I Should Go Back And Make Up With Her."

I Guess I Absentmindedly Threw The Car Into Reverse.

Wait A Minute.

Are You Telling Me That That Accident Was Not My Fault?

I Wanted To Apologize To You On The Spot

But When You Yelled At Me

I Felt As Though I Was Arguing With My Wife All Over Again.

I Had To Win At Least One Argument That Day.

I'm Sorry, Jake.

Oh, My... Oh, My God.

Stanley, Stanley...

I'm...

Stanley... I'm Sorry Too.

I...

Look, It Wasn't... It Wasn't All Your Fault.

If I... If I Were Watching You, I Could Have Backed Up.

Oh, My...

Ah...

Such A Tiny Dent.

I Can't Believe I Made You Pay $30.

$35.

I Can't Believe This--

A Couple Of Dummies Like Us...

Separated From My Best Friend--

My Best Friend For Ten Years.

I... And Now...

Hmm, And Now, Your... Your Jonathan

And Your Cookie...

Uh-Huh.

We're Going To Be Related.

(Chuckles)

Yes.

♪ To Each Loyal Son And Daughter ♪

♪ Faithful To The Core ♪

♪ Let's Drink A Toast With Seltzer Water ♪

♪ To P.S. 44 ♪

Come On. I Can't Believe It.

We Got To Plan The Wedding.

Yes, And A Honeymoon.

The Father Of The Bride Always Pays For The Wedding.

It's Okay With Me.

We'll Have Paper Plates...

Oh, No.

And A Piano Player

And We'll Have Such A Great Time...