Original subtitles

Yo, People.

Yo, Person.

What's Up?

Today, In My Theories Of Personality Class

We Took A Self-Awareness Test.

From A Few Responses, You Can Tell A Lot About Yourself.

Theo, I Love Psychology.

Ask Me Some Questions.

Okay, Vanessa

What Animal Do You Most Identify With?

I've Always Seen Myself As A Dolphin.

A Dolphin?

You?

Yes. Dolphins Are Very Intelligent

And They Have A Cute Smile.

But You Hate What Salt Water Does To Your Hair.

We Dolphins Adapt.

I'll Get A Perm.

Theo: Ah, Now, This Is The Man To Analyze.

Analyze What?

This Is A Test We Took

In Our Theories Of Personality Class.

Uh-Huh, Psychology.

I Want To Ask A Question.

I'm Not Crazy.

No, No.

What Animal Do You Most Identify With?

Camel

Because He Prepares For The Long Haul.

That's Interesting.

Camel.

I Like That.

And The Rhino

Because He Has A Tough Outer Surface.

No, Dad, Just One Animal.

When You're My Age And You're A Parent

You Need A Lot Of Things

To Identify With.

Next, I'm A Salmon.

Because Of My Children, I Have To Swim Upstream.

I'm Part Hawk

Because I've Got...

I Can't Use That.

...Sharp Vision.

Come On Upstairs.

I'll Give You That Jacket You've Been Wanting.

I'll Follow You Until I Get An Answer.

You May Not Know

But I Identify With A Homing Pigeon.

Come On Upstairs.

I'll Give You Some Peanuts.

Oh Mom, Great!

Are You Ready To Go To The Mall Now?

Sweetheart, I'm Very Sorry, I Have To Stay Here.

We Can't Go.

Rudy's Coming Home From School.

She Got Her Period Today.

Our Sister Has Joined The Ranks Of Womanhood.

Mom, I Know The Coat I Want.

It Will Take Half An Hour.

Mom's Got To Talk To Rudy.

Remember Woman's Day?

Got To Make Sure Rudy's Well-Informed

So She Doesn't Get The Wrong Ideas Like Mom Did.

We Didn't Have A Clue.

I Will Not Have My Children Running Around

Thinking They Cannot Go To The Beach

Because They Will Attract Sharks.

...Who Will Follow Them Up On The Sand.

You Actually Believed That?

Yes, And When You Girls Were Born

I Decided To Have These Talks.

Thus, Woman's Day Was Born.

Mom, I Adored My Woman's Day.

She Took Me To The Plaza Hotel For Brunch

And A Carriage Ride Through The Park.

I Do Rise To The Occasion.

Don't I?

Rudy.

Hi, Mom.

The School Nurse Called.

I Got My Period.

Sweetheart, Are You All Right?

Oh, Yeah, Fantastic.

How About This Weather, Huh?

You Want Me To Come Upstairs Too?

No, I'll Be Down In A Few.

All Right.

(Knocking)

Who Is It?

It's Us.

Come In.

We Got Here As Fast As We Could.

Does Everyone Know?

No. We Said You Had An Emergency.

We Said Your House Is On Fire.

What?

Then We Said It Was A False Alarm.

So What's It Like?

Well

It's Like Getting A Stomachache But Without Eating Candy.

You're The First One In Our Group To Get It.

You Even Look A Little More Mature.

I Did Feel A Little Older

Walking Home From School Today.

Rudy, I See Hips.

Don't Worry.

You'll Get Yours... Soon.

You Have To Be Careful.

My Sister's Friend Knew Somebody Who Was So Weak

She Had To Be Carried Around On A Stretcher For Three Months.

I Heard About This Girl

Who Went To The Circus When She Got It

And When She Sat Down

All The Animals Stopped Performing.

The Announcer Came Out And Said

"Will The Girl In Seat 12-A Please Leave.

You're Upsetting The Animals."

It Was So Embarrassing For Her.

Danielle, That Is Ridiculous.

I Definitely Know You Can't Swim In The Ocean

Or You'll Attract Sharks.

That Is Ridiculous Too.

But If You Get Too Weak, You May Need A Transfusion.

Transfusion?

Everyone Knows You Don't Need A Transfusion

As Long As You Eat Five Beets A Day.

Both: Five Beets A Day?!

Five Beets A Day, And You'll Be Fine.

Those Girls Have Been Up There For 45 Minutes

And I Know

They Are Filling Rudy's Head With All Kinds Of Nonsense.

I'll Have To Deprogram The Child.

Suppose They're Up There Doing Homework.

Cliff, Please.

Things Haven't Changed.

My Girlfriends Came To See Me When I Got My Period.

One Of Them Said I Could Stop It Anytime I Wanted To

By Crossing My Eyes.

You Didn't Believe That, Did You?

Let's Just Say I Nearly Ended Up

With A Very Serious Vision Problem.

Cross Your Eyes

While I Reach For These Cookies.

Those Are For Rudy.

What If I Told You That This Time Of The Month, I'm Very Sad.

I Would Give You More Than A Cookie.

What Time..?

Oh, Well, Ladies, Did You Enjoy Your Visit?

Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm.

You Can Go On Up, Mrs. Huxtable.

Well, We'll Leave You Alone With Rudy Now.

Thank You.

Bye.

Clair: Bye, Girls.

Cliff: Good-Bye, Ladies.

Oh, Good Evening, Dr. Huxtable.

(Laughing)

(Knocking)

Rudy.

It's Woman's Day.

I Know.

Um, Have You Seen My Purple Shirt?

It's Downstairs In The Dryer.

Wait A Minute, Rudy.

Wait A Minute.

Honey, It's Woman's Day.

Well, Don't You Want To Talk About It?

No.

What Would You Like To Do For Woman's Day?

The City Is Yours.

We Can't Do It This Weekend.

I Promised Danielle And Susan

That We Could Go To The Mall Tomorrow

And Then On Sunday I Promised Kenny

We Could Play Video Games.

Maybe We Could Do This Next Month

Or Whenever This Thing Comes Back.

Okay, Rudy, Whatever You Say.

Well, I'm Going To Get My Shirt.

I'm Almost Done With This Psychological Profile On You.

(Chuckling)

Still Trying To Analyze Me, Huh?

If You Were A Body Of Water, What Would You Be?

Wet.

You're Not Going To Cooperate, Huh?

You're Not Going To Use Me As A Guinea Pig.

You Have To Pay Me.

A Guinea Pig Is Not One Of The Animals I Would Be.

(Doorbell Ringing)

Hey, Roomie.

Here's The Psych Book You Asked For.

You're Early.

I Was Supposed To Be At My Girl Friend's For Dinner.

That Fell Through, If You Know What I Mean.

No, What Do You Mean?

You Know Women.

I Was An Hour Late.

She Gets Bent Out Of Shape.

I Had A Good Reason.

What?

I'm Always Late.

She'll Get Over It, If You Know What I Mean.

No, What Do You Mean?

Women.

You Know How They Are

During That Time Of The Month.

No, Danny, How Are They?

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Listen, Mom...

He Just Came To Give Me A Book.

I'm Interested In Danny's Comments.

Can I Be Frank?

By All Means.

No Offense, Mrs. Huxtable

But You Know How Women Get.

They Get A Little Grumpy.

They Do That Crying Thing.

Danny, Let It Go.

Why Do You Assume That If Your Girl Friend Is Upset

It's That Time Of Month?

What Else Could It Be?

I've Got Nothing Against A Woman's Monthly.

I'm A Sensitive Guy.

I Can See That.

Some People Say That Between Pre-Menstrual Syndrome

Post-Menstrual Syndrome, And Their Visit From "Aunt Flo..."

Excuse Me?

No, That's Their Expression, Not Mine.

...That Women Have Got The Calendar Covered.

And What Else Do These People Say?

We Men Should Have Our Own Syndrome.

They Even Say

We Should Have Our Own Mood Swings

That Coincide

With Monday Night Football.

Since You Talk To These People

Could You Deliver A Message For Me?

Okay.

You Tell Them That A Woman Is Entitled

To Have A Happy Mood

A Sad Mood, An Angry Mood.

She Can Have This Mood Whenever She Likes

And It Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Whether Or Not

"Aunt Flo" Is Visiting.

But Mrs. Huxtable, I Think What They Meant Was...

I Heard What They Meant.

And One More Thing?

These People Should Be Very Happy

That Women Get Visits From Their Aunts

Because If They Didn't, There Would Be No Uncles.

It's Been Very Nice Seeing You Again, Danny.

Theo, I'll Be Leaving Now.

In Case She Comes Back.

Yeah, Well...

Denise: Olivia, It's Bedtime.

I Just Want To Say Good Night

To Dr. Huxtable.

All Right, Then Straight To Bed.

All Right, Good Night, Honey.

Wait.

I Have Something To Tell You.

What?

I Like What You Did To This Room.

Thank You.

There Is Something Else.

What, Dear?

A Bedtime Story.

What Is It, Sister Grimm?

Once There Was A King Named Dr. Buxtable.

Dr. Buxtable, Right.

He Was Very Handsome.

I Love This Story.

And There Was Also A Princess Named...

Bolivia.

Bolivia, All Right.

She Was Very Sweet.

They Loved Each Other

And Said Good Night

And Went To Sleep.

Can I Have A Cup Of Water, Please?

Okay, I Will Give You A Little Bit Of Water.

You Drink The Water Right Down And Then You Go Up To Bed.

Tell Me More Of The Story.

One Day King Dr. Buxtable And Princess Bolivia

Went For A Ride In A Car.

She Drove.

Okay.

Okay, Okay, Let's Drink The Water

And Finish The Story.

Ahh.

And It Got Dark

And They Fell Asleep.

No, They Never Slept Because Where They Went

Was Daytime All The Time.

Well, If It Was Daytime All The Time

Then There Would Be No Stars In The Sky.

Fine.

And If There Was No Nighttime

Then You Would Have No Christmas

And No Santa Claus And No Presents.

Whoa.

Wait! Wait! I'm Not Finished.

One Day, Night Came And They All Went To Bed.

Santa Claus Gave Them Lots Of Presents.

The End.

Good Night.

Not Again.

Dad, I Got To Admit You Kind Of Had Me Stumped...

Good.

...With Your Responses

To Questions From My Psychological Profile.

But I Persevered.

I Dug Deep.

Really?

I Continued, And I've Got You Figured Out.

All Right.

Because Of Your Vague Responses

I Had To Come Up With An Original Classification

Just For You.

Okay, Well, Let's Have It.

You Have A Disorder.

All Right.

Okay.

It Is A Disorder I Appropriately Call

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

It Means That You Are A Person Who Refuses To Be Categorized

By Deflecting Direct Questions

Therefore Wearing Down Those Seeking Knowledge Of You

Until They're Either Uninterested

Or They Surrender In Frustration.

And This Is Called What?

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

And It Means What?

It Means That You Refuse To Be Categorized

By Deflecting Direct Questions.

Well, I Don't Think That's True At All.

What's It Called Again?

It's Called Fugitive Fantasy Fear, Dad.

Now, Tell Me.

It Means That I...

Dad, What It Basically Means

Is That You Wear Down Those Seeking Knowledge Of You.

Do You Understand That Point?

I Haven't Deflected Anything.

I've Just Asked You A Question.

Which Is A Form Of Deflecting.

I Understand.

I Mean, I'm Not A Stupid Person.

It's Just That...

What's It Called Again?

Dad, Don't You See?

You Wear People Down.

I'm Seeking Knowledge Of You

And You're Wearing Me Down.

Okay, Okay, Ask Me The Questions Again.

Forget It, Dad.

I'm Going Home.

I Apologize.

I'm Going Home.

I Will See You Later.

Tell Me Again.

Don't Leave Me Like This.

I'll Tell You.

Check It Out.

I'm Uninterested.

I'm Surrendering To Frustration, Dad.

I'll See You, Okay?

And The Fugitive Strikes Again.

Potato Chips? Check.

Root Beer Float? Check.

Tissues? Check.

I'd Say We Have Enough

To Last Through Miss Scarlett, Rhett Butler And That Fire.

And Frankly, My Dear

We Are Ready To Go.

I'm So Glad You Wanted To Do This, Rudy.

I've Been Looking Forward To This For Quite Some Time.

The Last Huxtable Woman.

Here We Go Again.

Now What Does That Mean?

Nothing.

Rudy, It Must Mean Something.

It Just Means That Whatever I Do Is Important Because I'm Last.

I Was The Last One To Take My First Step

The Last One To Have Training Wheels On My Bike

The Last One To Lose All My Baby Teeth.

Now This.

I'm Sorry, Rudy.

We Probably Do Tend To Get Sentimental With You

Because You're The Youngest.

Is That Why You Didn't Want

To Celebrate Woman's Day?

I Didn't Want To Do Anything

Because Today Was The Most Humiliating Day Of My Life.

There I Was, Sitting In Class

While The Teacher Was Talking About Punctuation

And I Was Starting My Period.

Do You Know How Embarrassing That Was?

I Think I Do.

So Does Every Other Woman.

Honey, That's Why They Call It "The Curse."

"The Curse"?

The Curse, Dear.

It's Called "The Curse," "The Visitor," "The Flag Is Up"

"The Infantry Has Landed."

"The Infantry Has Landed"?

And Fallen Off The Roof.

In My Day, It Was Referred To As...

"The Horror."

Women Were Expected To Be

Dainty And Discreet.

So What Did They Do?

They Gave Us Pads The Size Of Mattresses.

And During That Very Special Time Of The Month

When You Wanted To Go Out At Night

You Couldn't Carry A Little Clutch Bag.

You Had To Carry An Overnight Bag.

Those Were The Bad Old Days, Huh, Ma?

Yes, But We've Come A Long Way Since Then.

It's Very Natural.

It's Gone On

Since The Beginning Of Time.

It Makes You A Woman.

But Mom, I'm Not A Woman.

I'm 12 Years Old.

Rudy, In Biological Terms, You Are A Woman.

And If You Want

To Be A Mother Someday, This Has To Happen.

You're Saying Someday I'll Be Glad This Happened?

There Will Be Days You'll Be Glad This Happened.

See, Someday You'll Be Able To Have Children Of Your Own--

Beautiful Children

Like I Have.

Mom.

Thanks.

Now Can We Start This Movie?

But Wait.

I Should Eat My Beets First.

Your Beets?

Yeah, You Know.

Five Beets A Day Keeps The Transfusion Away.