Original subtitles

( Coughing )

Ooh Boy!

What Are You Doing?

I'm Cooking.

I Can Do This

In Rain.

I Can Do It In Snow.

I Can Do It In Heat.

It's Really A Thing

Of Man Against Nature.

Dr. Huxtable, Maybe You Should Cook Inside.

This Is When Mufaro Gave Me Away.

It's Hard To Believe

In One Week We Will Have Been Married A Year.

I Think I Taste Oregano.

You're Wasting Your Time, Elvin.

That Is Cliff's Secret Sauce.

He's Taking That Recipe To The Grave.

No, He's Not.

It's Orange Juice.

Hey, Dad.

( Cliff Laughing )

What? What's Funny?

You Dropped Something.

The, Uh...

Yes.

...And The Bridal Shower.

That Was So Nice Of You Guys To Do That When I Came Back.

We Got The Food Processor, The Blender...

And Maybe Someday When You Get Your Own Home

You'll Be Able To Use Them.

You Had A Bridal Shower

But Nobody Gave Martin A Bachelor Party.

You Didn't Have A Party?

I Did, Kind Of.

After The Wedding

Guys On The Ship Threw Me A Little Bash.

Ensign Purdy Put On A Grass Skirt

Stuffed A Bra, Did A Little Hula.

Martin, Man, That's Pathetic.

No Matter What Purdy Looked Like

That's Not A Bachelor Party.

That's A Mockery.

We Should Throw You A Real Bachelor Party.

Right, Elvin?

Oh, Yeah.

You Know Me, Party Elvin.

I'm Already Married.

I Think You Should Have A Bachelor Party.

Do You Really?

It's Important, That Male Bonding.

So Let's Bond.

Yeah.

If You Want To Do It For Me, I'm Yours.

We're Going All Out For You.

Spare No Expense.

This Is Going To Be Live.

All Right.

Wow.

All Right, So How Much

Did The Entire Party Run You, Denny?

What About If We Lose The Band?

And The Food?

All Right, Uh...

A Stripper?

Yeah.

It Is Traditional

And Martin Is A Traditional Guy.

So How Much Did The Stripper

Cost You

For Your Brother's Bachelor Party?

Get Back To Me.

Let Me Know.

Cool.

A Stripper?

We're Getting One For Martin's Party.

Theo, Please.

I Hardly Think

Martin's Going To Go For Something So... Sophomoric.

I Don't Know, Denise.

You Heard Him Go On About Purdy.

It Sounds To Me Like A Guy Who Felt Cheated.

Besides, He's In The Navy.

You Know How They Are.

You Are Talking About My Martin.

I Don't Think He'd Appreciate You Stereotyping Him.

Hey, Coming Through!

Theo, Another Bag In The Car.

I've Got It.

Martin, Theo Wants To Hire A Stripper

For Your Bachelor Party.

A Stripper?

No.

Something Wrong?

Theo's Hiring A Stripper For Martin's Party.

Does Martin Know About This?

He Seems Fine With It.

Hey.

Don't Worry, Denise.

It's Not A Lost Cause.

This Man Was The World's Biggest

Male Chauvinist Until I Turned Him Around.

Isn't That Right, Sweetheart?

What's That, Muffin?

Theo Is Hiring A Stripper For Martin's Bachelor Party.

Oh, Really?

Well, If That's What Martin Wants.

Wait A Second.

Do You Approve Of This?

It's Not Up To Me.

It's Like A Dinner Party.

If They're Eating Scampi, You Just Eat Scampi.

You Have To Be A Good Sport.

Turned Him Around, Huh?

I Can't Believe

They're Doing This.

What Are They Doing And Who's Doing It?

Martin, Elvin And Your Son, Theo--

They're Hiring A Stripper For Martin's Party.

What Did They Say

When Told That Tassels And Pasties Do Not Make It

In This Family?

Uh... We Didn't.

Why Not?

I Thought I Raised You To Speak Your Minds.

Cliff, Did You Know

The Boys Are Hiring A Stripper For Martin's Bachelor Party?

Mm-Hmm.

Well, What Do You Think About That?

I Think It's Archaic, Demeaning And Stupid.

Did You Tell Them That?

I Beg Your Pardon?

Did You Tell Them That?

I'm Not Married To Them.

They Can Watch Whatever They Want.

I'm Married To You.

If I See You Watching A Stripper

That's It.

Clair: What Is That?

My Barbecue Sauce.

What Is That?

The Decoy.

Hey, Sweetheart.

Hi, Cutie.

What Are You Up To?

Well, Darling, I've Been Thinking.

You Know I Support The Idea

Of You And The Other Men Having A Bachelor Party To-Do.

It's Just That I Feel That

Some Of Your Party Plans Are A Little Bit...

Insensitive...

To Me And The Other Women In This Family.

Did I Do Something Wrong?

You Want The Stripper.

Baby, You Heard What I Said To The

You I Said, "No."Pper.

Smells Good, Dad.

Yeah.

Um, Actually, Sweetheart, Darling...

You Didn't Just Say No.

What Did I Say?

You Said, "Nooo. Hah-Hah-Hah-Hah."

What Was I Supposed To Say?

I Think You Should Have Said, "Theo, Shame On You.

"I Will Not Tolerate

This Inane, Sophomoric Vulgarity."

That Certainly Sounds Like Me, Huh, Elvin?

Yeah.

I'm Not...

I'm Not Even In This.

You're Not Involved

But You're Willing To Watch A Woman

Being Used As A Man's Plaything.

I'm Just Going To The Party, Okay?

A Party Where A Woman Is Hired To Strip

While You Whoop, Holler And Claw.

Hey, Who's Clawing?

I'm In The Back.

I'm Not Even Looking, Okay?

I Don't Understand

Why Men Watch Strippers Anyway.

Let's Be Honest.

All It Is Is A Lot Of Titillating, Teasing

And Feeding Men's Fantasies.

Denise: What Fun Can That Be?

The Woman Strips, She Leaves And You Guys Are Left, What?

Chugalugging Beer?

See. I Don't Even Like Beer.

And Second Of All

It's Just A Form Of Entertainment

That Some People Happen To Like.

Like The Scampi...

What I Said....

Elvin, It's Stupid, It's Disgusting

And It Exploits Women.

Martin: Now Whoa.

This Is Getting One-Sided.

What About Clubs Where Men Strip For Women?

Aren't Those Men Being Exploited?

Oh, Please!

Give Me A Break.

What Do You Think, Dr. Huxtable?

I Think That The Sauce Is Excellent.

Women View Men

Much Differently Than Men View Women.

How Different?

Men Are Oglers.

And Women Don't Ogle?

There Is A Difference

In The Quality Of The Ogling.

Yes, Yes.

Women, Just Look, But Men, You Guys X-Ray.

I Do Not X-Ray.

I Mean, When I'm A Doctor, I Do

But I Don't X-Ray Unless There's A Machine Nearby.

I'd Sure Like To X-Ray Juanita Lomax.

What Are We Talking About?

A Perfect Example Of The X-Raying Male.

Women Have To Make Themselves Sexy And Alluring

Because Men Like Him

Are Obsessed With The Perfect Female Form.

Who's Obsessed?

Come On, Theo.

I've Been Shopping With You.

You Scope Out The Mannequins.

I Know I Am Not Obsessed.

Martin, Please.

Look At Magazines, Calendars.

Men Prefer Women With Curvaceous Figures.

She's Right.

Let's Be Honest.

No Man Wants A Woman With Floppy Hips

And Flabby Wings.

That Is The Shallowest Thing I Have Ever Heard.

And Women Don't Want The Same Thing From Us?

That's True.

You Expect Us To Stay In Shape.

And I, For One, Am Tired

Of Having To Make Myself Look Beautiful For Women.

What Do They Want From Me?

Why Can't We Just Have Simple Bodies, Like Dad?

This Is Your Piece.

Sondra: Elvin, I Don't Know

What You See When You Look In The Mirror

But Your Body Is Not Complicated.

Thank You, Sweetheart.

I'll Keep My Feelings About Your Body To Myself.

What Feelings?

It's Not The Time Or Place.

No, No, No. What?

Your Neck.

What's Wrong With My Neck?

It's Just A Shade Thin.

Sometimes I Wonder How You Swallow.

I Beg Your Pardon?

My Sister Endured Eight And A Half Hours Of Labor

To Bear Your Children, And You Criticize Her Neck?

I Wouldn't Have Said Anything

If She Hadn't Said My Body Was Uncomplicated.

I'm Very Happy With Your Body.

Then Why Do You Want To See That Stripper?

I Don't! He Does!

Me? I Never Said I Wanted A Stripper.

I Said No.

No. You Said, "No. Hah-Hah-Hah-Hah."

Hey!

( Whistles )

All Right.

Settle Down, Everybody.

Barbecue. Let's Eat.

Come On.

Shut Your Faces.

Ladies First.

Don't You Patronize Me.

I'm Not Being Patronizing.

I'm Being Polite.

You're Polite, They Say You're Patronizing.

You're Not, They Say You're A Pig.

They Don't Know What They Want.

I Would Stay Out Of This.

You Have Caused Enough Trouble.

What Did I Do?

You Hired The Stripper.

It Wasn't Me.

Martin Wanted Her.

When Will Somebody Believe Me?

I Said No.

No. You Said, "No. Hah-Hah-Hah-Hah."

Okay, Fine, Elvin.

I Will Just Wear Turtlenecks For The Rest Of My Life.

Maybe You Should.

No Is No, Denise.

No Is Not Just No.

No Is No. N-O.

What Should I Say?

Hi.

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Hi, Everybody.

Everybody?

Hello.

Hello, Kenny.

Elvin, Would You Like Some Corn?

After You, Martin.

Oh, Thank You.

How Polite And Unpatronizing.

Denise, Potato Salad?

I Wouldn't Want To Get Too Hippy.

I Would Like Some.

I Don't Mind Getting Hippy.

May I Have Some Chicken, As Well?

Would You Like A Breast?

Oh, No, No.

You're More Of A Leg Man, Aren't You?

This Is Absolutely Ridiculous.

It Ends Right Here.

I'd Like Some Chicken Please.

Oh, Which Piece Would You Like, Elvin?

Um...

Um... A Wing.

I'd Like A Wing.

I Can't Take This.

I'm Going To Watch The News.

Hello. We Made It.

Russell: A Man's Got To Drive Slow

With Lemon Tarts In The Back Seat.

Hey, Hey.

Well, Look At This Family.

Hold On.

I Got To Get A Picture Of This.

With So Much Trouble In The World Today

It's Nice To See A Warm, Loving Family All Together.

Come On, Russell.

Let's Put This Dessert In The Kitchen.

Listen, Nobody Touch That Piece Right There.

I'm A Leg Man Myself.

Great.

It Runs In The Family.

Give It A Rest.

There We Go Again.

The Man Is Trying To Eat In Peace.

And Why Am I Eating This Stupid Wing?

Give Me A Breast.

The Big One.

÷ Whoa.

What's Going On?

Theo Wanted To Get A Stripper

For Martin's Bachelor Party.

What's Wrong With That?

Sondra: What's Wrong With That?

Did You Have A Stripper At Your Bachelor Party?

No. She Was More Of A Fan Dancer.

Her Name Was Fatima.

She Was A Very Talented Performer.

She Had These Blue Ostrich Feathers

She'd Hold In Front Of Herself

And She'd Do This Dance To The Music Of "Besame Mucho."

♪ Besame ♪

♪ Besame Mucho ♪

She'd Give You A Little Shoulder

And Take It Back

And Give You A Little Leg And Take It Right Back.

Man, She Was Something.

Sondra: Grandma

Didn't That Bother You?

We Didn't Think Too Much Of Those Things Then.

Yeah, The Good Old Days.

Grandma, That Sounds So Sexist.

Times Were Different.

People Didn't Make A Big Deal Out Of Everything.

If You Spend All Your Time

Fussing Over Points Of Contention

Between Men And Women

You Won't Have

Much Time For Romance.

She Knows What She's Talking About.

Let's Put These On Plates.

♪ Okay, Besame... ♪

I Guess They Must Have Some Idea

Of What They're Talking About.

They've Been Married 50 Years.

I Suppose We Could Manage To Let A Few Things Slide.

I Hated That You Had That Woman At Your Party.

Why Didn't You Say Something?

That's When We Kept Those Things To Ourselves.

You've Been Holding This In For 54 Years?

Anna, I Am No Mind Reader.

Oh, And While We're At It

I Hate That Fan Dance Story.

Every Time I Hear It, It Sickens Me.

"Give Me A Little Shoulder And Take It Right Back.

Give Me A Little Leg And Take It Right Back."

Well, I Didn't Know That.

Why Do I Always Leave?

To Make Coffee.

No?

To Make Coffee

And Kick The Wall.

Now Grab These Tarts That You Love So Much.

Lemon Tarts.

Your Favorite.

I Love Those.

Thanks To Me.

He Didn't Do A Thing To Help.

He Was Watching The Ice Capades.

What? I Floured The Pans.

And You Also Floured The Floor.

I Spent Ten Minutes Cleaning Up After You.

What Are You All Looking At?

Haven't You Seen People Argue Before?

Yeah, But Not You Guys.

Oh, Grow Up.

"And Then There Was A Fan Where The Toe Used To Be..."

Mama.

"And Then There Was A..." What?

We Haven't Finished Eating Yet.

Oh.

Well, You See How Upset I Am.

Dag-Blamed Fan Dance Story.

I Had No Idea She Felt This Way.

Why Didn't She Tell Me?

One Minute, You Think You're Doing All Right

And The Next, Blam, You're Blindsided.

Yeah, I Know.

I've Been There Before.

Where?

Where Have You Been?

You Have Been Nowhere

And That Is Where You're Going To Stay

If You Don't Quit Stirring Up Trouble.

I'm Not Talking About That.

Yes, You Were.

You Act Like You Were Completely Innocent.

Martin: It Was A General Statement.

I Can't Even Say Anything.

Wait, You Guys.

Look At Dad.

We're Ruining His Beautiful Barbecue.

I Just Feel So Used.

Let's Just Stop The Bickering And Let's Enjoy This Barbecue.

She's Right.

Sorry, Dad.

We're Sorry, Dad.

I Want You To Have Your Bachelor Party

Anñ D Ñ Nt You To Have Great Food And Friends.

You Can Even Have Your Stripper.

Oh, Man.

When I Give A Little Leg, I Won't Take It Back.

Oh.

Anna, I Will Never Tell That Story Again.

But You'll Think It.

No.

I'll Be Thinking The Same Thing

I Was Thinking 54 Years Ago At That Bachelor Party.

What?

I Can't Wait To Get At You.

All: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Will We Be That Romantic In 50 Years?

You Know It.

I Love Your Neck.

It's Perfect, Like A Swan.

Oh, Elvin.

It Certainly Is Nice

To See Them Work Things Out For Themselves.

They Haven't Worked Anything Out For Themselves.

It's My Barbecue Sauce.

Your Barbecue Sauce?

My Barbecue Sauce.

Haven't You Noticed

After People Have Some Of My Barbecue Sauce

After It Kicks In, They Get All Huggy-Buggy?

You Ought To Stop.

I'm Dead Serious.

Haven't You Noticed That After One Of My Barbecues

And They Have The Sauce, People Want To Get Right Home?

Let Me Tell You Something Else.

I've Got A Cup Of It Up On The Night Table, And...

I Got A Cup Of It, I Said.

Left It Up There Breathing.

Why Don't You Give The Chicken To These People.

Let's Go On Up And Have Some Sauce.

So Here's The Rest Of The Chicken, You Guys.

Kenny: Dr. Huxtable

I Love This Chicken.

You Know What, Rudy?

You Look Real Nice Today.