Original subtitles

Cliff, Come Here.

I Want You To See Our Baby.

Denise Has Been Up All Night

Finishing Up That Political Science Paper.

That Child Is Exhausted.

Thank God.

The Huxtable Study Genes Have Kicked In.

There's No Stopping Her Now.

She's Stopping For Something.

That Girl Is Hungry.

I'm Preparing Her Breakfast.

No, No, No.

If You Want Her To Finish That Paper

Don't Give Her Any Breakfast.

Why Not?

Because, Dear, Let Me Explain Physiology To You.

If She Eats Those Pancakes

They Go Dead To The Stomach... Thud.

All Of A Sudden, The Blood Cells Hear That Sound.

They Say, "What Was That?

I Know A Thud When I Hear One."

They Say, "That's A Party Thud.

"Come On, Everybody

There's A Party Going On In The Stomach."

All The Blood Cells Leave The Brain.

They Run To The Stomach.

They're In The Stomach Jumping Around.

Then The Enzymes Are Popping And Partying

And The Brain Says

"What's Going On?

If Everybody Is Partying, I'm Going To Take A Nap."

She Will Fall Asleep

And That's The End Of The Paper.

A Party In The Stomach?

Yes.

I'm A Doctor.

Trust Me.

(Knocking)

You're So Silly.

It's Jim Harmon.

Don't Let Him In.

He's The Enemy.

It's A Pleasure To See Youthis Morning.

Please Don't Kiss My Wife.

Dr. Harmon, What A Pleasant Surprise.

Would You Like Some Breakfast, Sir?

Pancakes, Coffee, Juice, Anything?

No, He Doesn't Want Anything.

Coming In Here Kissing My Wife...

What Do You Want?

I Wanted To Look At The Loser Before The Auction Today.

What Auction?

The Jazz Auction For The United Negro College Fund.

My Wife And I Just Signed Four Tuition Checks.

We Happen To Be The United Negro College Fund.

Besides, My Jazz Collection Is So Tight, Harmon

I Don't Need Another Thing.

Including Charlie Parker's "Night In Tunisia"?

Original, One-Of-A-Kind Acetate.

Haven't You Heard About It, Harmon?

Haven't You Heard That It's Flawed?

It Has A Scratch In It So Deep That A Dog Could Sleep In It.

Knowledgeable Jazz People Know This.

Am I Right, Clair?

Uh...

Tell Him

That "Knowledgeable Jazz People" Know There Is No Flaw

Because "Knowledgeable Jazz People"

Examined The Goods At The Preview On Tuesday.

"Knowledgeable Jazz People"

Examined The Goods At The Preview On Tuesday.

I Know You're Just Dying To Get Your Hands

On "Night In Tunisia."

Yes, And I'm Going To Get It Too, Dr. Harmon.

Why Are You Two So Pitiful?

Can't You Share The Record?

Sorry.

That Record Will Be Mine

And Only Mine.

So Nice To See You Again, Clair.

Oooh...

Come In Here Kissing My Wife

And My Wife Looking Like She's Enjoying It.

He Never Will Get That Record

Because That Record Belongs To Me.

It Has My Name On It.

What Makes You So Sure?

First Of All, I Beat Him Out The Last Time.

I Won The Machito Album Off Of Him

And Mainly Because I Sat There And I Gave Him

The Huxtable Don't-Mess-With-Me Look.

Suppose The Huxtable Don't-Mess-With-Me Look

Doesn't Work?

Just In Case, I Also Add To It The Huxtable Voice Of Doom.

That's Your Voice Of Doom?

Yes, And You Only Got Six Percent

Because This House Is Not Zoned For All Of It.

Hey, What's Up?

Hey.

What's That?

Poli Sci Paper.

I'm Impressed With The Way You're Focusing On School.

Oh, Thanks, But I Am So Stressed Out.

Look, There Are Some Things I Learned

In My Asian Studies Course

That Can Help You Deal With Stress.

Thanks, But I Don't Have Time For Asian Studies.

I Have To Concentrate.

Sorry, I Didn't Mean To Interrupt.

Okay.

But In Burma

The People Have A Way Of Dealing With Pressure.

They've Learned To Flow With Life--

Not Force It.

Uh-Huh.

Burmese Rice Farmers, For Example

Adjust Their Lives To The Irrawaddy River

And Irrigate Their Fields When The River Lets Them.

Your Paper Will Be Done When It Lets You.

Flooowww...

Become The Irrawaddy.

Theo, This Is Not Burma.

This Is Brooklyn

And My Paper Is Due At 11:00.

I Was Trying To Help You Flow.

Psst, Why Don't You Flow On Into The Kitchen.

Hey, Mom.

Theo, Have Some Pancakes.

Uh, I Just Ate Breakfast, But If You Insist, Sure.

(Laughing)

What?

I Don't Know How You Do It, Man.

You Live All The Way Down In The Village

And Somehow, You Can Sense Exactly

When Food Is Going To Hit The Table.

Do You Have Radar Like A Bat?

Hey, I'm Done!

All Right, Denise.

I Knew You Could Do It.

Have Some Pancakes.

All I Have To Do Is My Table Of Contents

And Footnotes.

No. Do The Footnotes And Table Of Contents

Then You Eat.

I'm Ready. Let's Rock And Roll.

I've Got To Take Olivia To School.

I'll Take Olivia To School.

Shouldn't You Have Shoes On When You Rock And Roll?

Oh, Yeah.

Dad, I'll Just Turn In My Paper Late.

Nonsense.

I Didn't Mean For Dad To Have To Do That.

Denise, You Better Go Footnote.

I'll Help You With These.

What Are You Going To Buy At The Auction?

I Am Going To Buy A Jazz Record

Called "Night In Tunisia"

Recorded By Some Very Famous Musicians.

What's Jazz?

Do You Have A Favorite Song?

"Pop Goes The Weasel."

Okay, You Sing "Pop Goes The Weasel."

♪ All Around The Mulberry Bush, The Monkey Chased The Weasel ♪

♪ The Monkey Said, "It's All In Fun" ♪

♪ Pop Goes The Weasel... ♪

Okay...

♪ A Quarter For A Spool Of Thread... ♪

No, No...

♪ A Penny For A Needle ♪

♪ That's The Way The Money Goes ♪

♪ Pop Goes The Weasel. ♪

Now What You Did Just Naturally Was You Put Some Jazz In It.

When You Went...

That Was It.

So Let Me Show You.

(Scatting To "Pop Goes The Weasel )

♪ Bon Da Bing Da Biddle Doo ♪

♪ Da Bop Da Bid Bid Et Da Bing Boomp ♪

♪ Phomp ♪

♪ Da Bank Diddle Doomp Pop, Pop, Boomp, The Weasel ♪

♪ Bon Da Bing Da Biddle Doo ♪

♪ Bong, Weasel ♪

♪ Zu Bomp Bomp Diddle Zonk ♪

♪ Ba Ba Di Di Da Bo Bo ♪

♪ Pop, Pop... ♪

♪ Weasel... ♪

♪ ... Weasel ♪

♪ Pop Shu Bop Bop Boo Bop Bop... ♪

Hello, I'm Mrs. Lebow.

How Are You?

I'm Dr. Huxtable, Denise Kendall's Father.

I'm So Happy To Meet You.

You Must Be So Proud.

Denise Is One Of Our Most Responsible, Dedicated Parents.

Good Student Too.

She Was Up All Night Working On A Paper.

That's Why I Brought Olivia.

Oh, Dear, Denise Must Have Forgotten.

It's Her Turn To Be Help-Mom For The Day.

One Of You Has To Be Here.

Volunteers Make It Possible

For Us To Work With A Small Staff.

They're A Vital Part Of Parent-Child Bonding.

Can't Somebody From The Carpool Do The Bonding?

I'm Sorry.

It's Denise's Turn.

If She Can't Come, You Have To Take Her Place.

I Have To Go To An Auction Today

Of A Very Famous Jazz Record Called "Night In Tunisia"

Performed By A Very Important Musician

By The Name Of Charlie Parker.

"Night In Tunisia"?

Bird At His Best.

Dizzy Gillespie On Trumpet, Max Roach On Drums.

So You Know?

I Was President Of The Jazz Club At Bryn Mawr.

Of Course, There Were Only Six Of Us.

The Hip Six.

This Is A One-Of-A-Kind Acetate.

Oh, My.

So You Do Understand?

I Do.

Good.

And I Wish I Could Help You.

(Phone Ringing)

Don't Move.

Hello.

Oh, Yes. Just A Moment.

It's Your Daughter, Denise.

Yeah.

Dad, I Am Sorry.

I Forgot I'm Help-Mom Today.

I Can Be There Right Away.

Did You Finish Your Paper?

No, But I Can't Leave You With My Responsibilities.

I Want You To Finish The Paper.

I'll Be Okay.

Are You Sure?

I'm Sure.

Thanks, Dad, I Owe You One.

Please, Don't Start Counting Now.

Is Denise Coming Down?

No, But Here's What I Was Thinking.

These Children Are Indoors All The Time.

Look At The Coloring On Them.

They Need To Get Out.

We'll Take A Field Trip, And We Will Go To An Auction...

I Can See Where Denise Gets Her Sense Of Humor.

Okay, Jonathan, Would You Like A Cracker Or A Cookie?

I Want A Cupcake.

Jonathan, You Can Either Have A Cracker Or A Cookie.

We Don't Have Cupcakes.

Cupcake!

Work With Me, Jonathan.

I Have Either A Cookie Or A Cracker...

(Watch Alarm Beeps)

Oh, Why Don't You All Finish Coloring Everything There

Or Call Your Broker.

(Loud Laughter)

He's Calling His Broker.

(Phone Ringing)

Hello, Jazz Auction.

What Time Will You Be Auctioning "Night In Tunisia"?

That Should Be On The Block A Half Hour From Now.

I Have A Slight Problem.

Is There A Way You Could Back That Up?

I Couldn't Do That, But We Accept Phone Bids.

I'll Call You When The Bidding Starts.

Okay, I'm At 555-4265.

And The Name Again?

And The Name Is Huxtable, Doctor.

I Will Give You My Credit Card Number.

Very Good, Sir.

Thank You!

Put Another Eye On That Gorilla, Son.

It's A Dog.

Oh, I'm Sorry.

Okay, How...

(Phone Rings)

Oh, All Right, Uh...

Everybody Just, Uh, Call Your Broker, I'll Be...

(Loud Laughter)

Hello?

Doctor Huxtable, Please.

This Is Doctor Huxtable.

Doctor Huxtable, This Is The Auction House.

Your Lot Is Coming Up Next.

Okay, Just One Second, Please.

Everybody Take A Nap.

Okay, Go Ahead.

Lot #65

The Charlie Parker Recording Of "Night In Tunisia."

We'll Start At $100.

One Hundred!

100 Down In Front.

One Twenty-Five.

We're At 125, Sir.

Is There A Fella There, Corduroy Jacket, Beard

Looks Like A Bird-Watcher?

There Sure Is.

One Fifty!

He Just Bid 150.

He Is The Enemy.

Do You Understand Me?

I Want You To Give Him The "Huxtable Stare."

Huh?

I Want You To Fix Your Face In A Way...

I Want Your Eyes To Be Narrow.

I Want Your Lips Close To Your Teeth.

I Want You To Have A Look Like You Would Eat Him Alive!

Do You Understand That?

Yeah.

Two Hundred.

It's 200 To You, Sir.

All Right, I Want You To Stare At Him.

Stare Him Down And Say... And Say 225!

Two Twenty-Five!

225 On The Phone.

Who Will Give Me More?

Two Fifty.

Two Seventy-Five!

The Enemy Just Bid 275, Sir.

I Want You To Say

Three Hundred!

Three Hundred!

300 From The Phone. Do I Hear 325?

Let's Go, People, 325.

Three Twenty-Five.

300 Once, 300 Twice...

It Worked!

Of Course It Worked.

Going, Going...

We'll Get It.

300 Is The Last Bid

On "Night In Tunisia."

Do I Hear Another Bid?

Three Twenty-Five.

We Have 325!

Uh-Oh.

Uh-Oh What?

A New Bidder Went In With 325.

I Have 325. Who Will Give Me 350?

It's 350 To Us, Sir.

Do You Believe We Can Do It?

I Believe, I Believe.

All Right, Now Get Your Face Fixed Back Up.

Okay, Now...

Say 400!

Four Hundred!

I Have 400 On The Phone, 400 On The Phone.

Four Fifty!

Five Hundred!

Five Hundred?

500? Who Said 500?

We Did!

When Did We Say That?

Just Now!

Five Fifty.

Six Hundred!

No, No, No, Stop!

Hey, Boy!

Six Fifty.

Seven Hundred.

That's Not Me.

I'm Gone.

Good-Bye!

I Missed You.

Go Change Your Clothes.

Hey, Dad

I Hope The Kids Weren't Too Much Trouble.

No, I Just Lost The Charlie Parker Album.

Bird Flew The Coop.

I'm Sorry.

This Isn't Your Record

But I Hope This Makes You Feel Better.

Look At The First Page.

"Dedicated To The Most Supportive Father In The World."

Well, Thank You, Pud.

I, Uh, I Hope You Score Well With It.

Thank You, Dad.

I'm Proud Of That.

Hey! I Got To Go Check On Olivia.

Oh, Cliff.

Poor Honey.

You Must Be Very Tired.

I Understand That You Spent The Entire Day

With A Group Of Pre-Schoolers.

All I Had To Eat

Was A Half Of A Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich

That Anthony Was Going To Feed To The Gerbil.

And You Didn't Get To Go To The Auction.

No, No, I Got To Bid On The Record.

What Are You Talking About?

They Let Me Bid On The Phone.

I Was On The Phone.

You Were On The Phone?

Yes, I Was On The Phone.

And Guess What, Dear?

I Had It!

Harmon Was Out Of There And Gone.

I Don't Know Where This Fool Came From

But He Came In And Started Bidding

Like Somebody Who Was Possessed, I'm Telling You.

Youwere On The Phone.

I Was On The Phone Like High Noon

And I Blinked.

I Knew I Wouldn't Get That Record.

The Last Thing I Know, That Price Was Going Up.

That Dude Paid A Bundle For That.

That's All Right, Boy.

Yes, It Was One-Of-A-Kind.

I Don't Care If It Was One-Of-A-Kind!

That Person Has To Keep That Record For About 900 Years

Before They Can Get Their Money Back On That One.

Some Idiot Bidding All That Money!

So, Uh, Sweetheart, Why Don't You Just Relax

And I'll, Um, Put On Some Music.

No, Dear, I Don't Want To Hear Any More Music.

I Tell You, Music Does Nothing Except Break Your Heart.

It Just Goes To The Person

Who's Bidding Higher Than Anybody Else.

("Night In Tunisia"Plays)

Where Did You Get That?!

You Ever Danced With A Fool?

You!

Oh, Dear!

Oh, No!

How Much Did You Wind Up Paying For It?

Four Hundred-Fifty Dollars.

No, You Didn't!

That Was The Last Bid I Had To Beat.

Because The Man Was Up To 700

When I Hung Up The Phone.

Thatpoor Thing!

He Kept Bidding Long After I Stopped.

He Got Up To 1,500.

What Did You Pay?

I Paid 450, Because They Found Out

That The Last Authorized Bid He Had Was For 400.

You Should Have Seen His Face.

Lips All Curled Up, Eyes Squinting And Rolling...

"Fifteen Hundred!"

Oh, He Was Awful!

Yes!

Oh!

Look Out Now!