Original subtitles

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Off To Work I Go.

It's Saturday.

If We Don't Reach An Agreement Today

It's Off To Court I Go Monday Morning.

We Don't Want That To Happen.

Why Not?

This Case Is A Long Shot

For My Clients.

These Are My Clients.

Your Clients?

A Bunch Of Kids In A Playground.

Are They Paying You With Their Lunch Money?

My Firm Agreed To Represent Their Community Center.

Somebody's Going To Tear Down Their Playground

And Put Up An Office Complex.

No Wonder They Look Sad.

They Look Sad Because I Promised Ice Cream

To The Most Pitiful Face.

Brilliant, Mom.

I'm Pulling All The Stops Out On This One

Because I'm Going Up Against A Very Tough Attorney--

Bernadette Foley.

Mom, Bernadette Foley?

You Guys Are Friends.

How Can You Go Up Against Someone You Like?

This Isn't Personal.

This Is The Practice Of Law.

We Appreciate Each Other's Abilities.

Oh, Right.

You Want Bernadette To Think You're Friends.

So When She Lets Down Her Guard, You Go For Her Throat.

It's Nothing Like That.

We Really Do Respect Each Other.

You Could Rip Her To Shreds Any Time You Wanted.

What Are You Talking About?

Nobody Will Be Shredded.

This Is Not Perry Mason.

I'm Just Representing My Client's Best Interests.

On That Note, I'm Going.

Down Deep Inside

You Know You're The Better Attorney, Right?

Hi, Clair.

Bernie, I Haven't Been Here Since Your Company Redecorated.

Very Nice.

And I Like That Print.

That Is A Signed Elgin Clay.

That Is A Very Limited Edition.

Yeah, I Know.

Your Firm Has One?

We Don't Have The Print.

We Have The Original.

How Nice.

Let's Get Down To Work, Clair.

Look, I've Read Over All Of Your Correspondence

And, Frankly

I Don't Know Why You're Here.

These Are My Clients.

They Are Why I'm Here.

This Is Very Good.

You Really Got Them To Look Pathetic.

Let's Get To The Facts.

Your Client Put A Playground On My Client's Land.

Yes, They Did.

Not Once In Five Years

Did They Obtain My Client's Permission.

True.

We Are Set To Begin Construction On That Land Next Week.

We Have Every Legal Right To Do It.

We Are Sorry About These Kids, But It's Not Our Responsibility.

Clair, Case Closed.

Bernie, Open It Up Again.

Why?

For Years, We Have Written To Your Client

And Never Received A Response.

We Have Grounds For Adverse Possession.

That Will Not Stand Up In Court.

The Judge Will Throw You Out On Your Teeter-Totter.

I Don't Think So.

All Right, Clair.

I'll Give You Our Final, Final Word On This.

No, It's Impossible.

Forget It.

Well, Bernie, Thank You For Your Final Words.

And, Uh, See You In Court.

Fine.

Fine.

Great.

Great.

Clair.

All I Said Was No.

Can't We Talk It Over?

(Doorbell Rings)

Hey, Neighbor!

How You Doing, Jeffrey?

The Divorce Became Final Yesterday

So I've Been Making A Few Changes.

You Sure Have.

Yeah, It's All For The Best.

Bridget's Very Happy.

She Has A Great New Life In Nyack.

Our Daughter Beth Visits Me Every Other Weekend.

You See How I'm Doing.

It's The New Me!

Yes, Indeed.

You Look All Right.

The Change Was Necessary.

It's All Explained In This Letter

That Bridget Wrote To Me The Day She Left.

I Want You To Read It Out Loud.

Out Loud?

That's Why I Came Over Here.

You Want Music With It?

No, Straight Up.

Okay.

"My Dearest Jeffrey

"I Love You, But I Can't Live With You.

"Our Life Together Was Too Boring.

"We Never Did Anything Spontaneously.

"If I Said 'Let's Drive To The Beach

"And Run Barefoot On The Sand'

You'd Say, 'No, We Might Step On Poisonous Creatures.'"

It's True, Cliff...

It's True.

"And All The Romance In Our Relationship

"Seemed To Fade.

"You Talked About

"A Tuna Fish Sandwich With More Passion

Than You Would About How I Looked."

Well, I Do Have A Weakness For Tuna Fish.

You Want Me To Keep Reading?

No, It Just Goes On About How Too Boring I Am.

Too Civilized.

But Those Days Are Over.

Check These Threads.

Do You Think These Are The Clothes Of A Man

Who Lacks Passion?

No, Indeed.

Here's Something Else That's Part Of The New Me.

I Have Another One.

Good.

This Is A Little Different.

Yeah, Yeah.

I'll Tell You What's Next.

I Want A Sports Car.

Sports Car?

I've Been Driving Around With These Clothes

In My Station Wagon.

Then Get A Sports Car.

I Can Afford It.

I Just Sold Another Novel.

I Know A Dealership That Sells Exotic...

These Are... Whooa!

I Knew You Would Know.

That's Why I Came Over.

Let's Go.

I'm Ready.

One Thing.

I Don't Want A Convertible.

I Put So Much Money Into These Things

I Wouldn't Want Them To Fly Off!

Clark, Could You Come In?

We Want To Order Lunch.

We'd Like To Order A Pizza.

What Size?

Large?

Small.

Medium.

Pepperoni?

Not On My Half.

Sausage?

Extra Cheese?

No Cheese On My Half.

Let Me Get This Straight.

One Half Pepperoni, Sausage, Extra Cheese.

The Other Half Pita Bread?

I Suppose You Would Laugh At Anchovies.

No Anchovies.

No Anchovies On Her Half.

No Anchovies Near My Half.

I've Got To Have Anchovies.

Anchovies Are Non-Negotiable.

That Smell Floats All Over The Box

And Gets Into Every Piece.

One Medium Pizza.

One Half Sauce Only.

The Other Half Pepperoni, Sausage, Extra Cheese.

Have Someone Walk Behind You With A Cup Of Anchovies.

Gotcha.

(Television Blaring)

Hey, Turn The Noise Down, Boy!

Hello, Theo.

Hey, Mr. Engels.

It's All Right.

The Guy Said It Would Take A While.

People Will Get Used To It, Right?

Right.

Sorry You Weren't With Us.

We Just Took A Test Drive In A Vesuvia Fr5-Bx.

Whoa! Those Things Have 12 Cylinders.

They Go Over 210 Miles An Hour.

Your Father And I

Put It Through Its Paces.

The Car Is Sitting Right Outside.

Oh.

Oh, Man, It's Red!

Did You Buy It?

They're Letting Me Drive The Demo

To See If I Like It.

And I Think I Like It.

How Fast Have You Driven It?

It's Not A Matter Of How Fast.

Every Two Blocks, There's A Light.

So We Just Went Vvt, Vvt, Vvt.

We Stayed In Reverse More Than We Did Second Gear.

You Should Have Seen The Way

Those Young Girls Looked At Us In That Car.

It Was As If...

Mr. Engels, I Have A Very Busy Schedule At School

But I Will Find The Time To Wash And Buff Your Car

Once A Week If You Buy It.

Theo, You're A Prince.

I Wouldn't Even Charge You Money.

All I Ask Is To Let Me Take A Spin In It Once A Month.

I'd Be Delighted To Take You For A Drive.

No, No, No.

What I Meant Was

Once A Month, I'd Get To Drive It.

Are You Nuts?!

The Mechanic Explained Only One Person Can Drive This Car.

If Anybody Else Tries To Drive It

The Car Becomes Extremely Confused.

But Would You Still Be Interested In Washing It For Me?

I Think My Son's Schedule Just Got A Lot Busier.

Oh, Well.

All This Excitement Is Making Me Hungry.

Why Don't I Go Out And Get Us Each A Three-Pound Lobster?

For Lunch?

Why Not?

Hey, Why Not?

Come On, Theo.

There's A Fish Market In New Jersey

Where You Can Buy Them Fresh Off The Boats.

Cliff, Start That Water Boiling Now.

You're Going To Jersey.

It's Only Five Minutes For Water To Boil.

You Forget--

I'm Driving The Vesuvia!

Hold This.

I Got Another One In The Car.

I Want To See Which One You Like.

Double Five.

Ten Points.

Double Blank.

Ten Points.

Wha..?!

Oh, No!

Look.

What Could That Be?

Blank, Five.

15 Points!

I Will...

Well...

Don't, Don't, Don't.

Take This Off.

Don't Leave This Thing Around The House.

Please.

What Are You Guys Doing?

We're Playing Dominoes.

Teach Me How.

Okay, I'll Teach You.

But First, My Feet Are A Little Cold.

If You'll Go Upstairs, Look In My Closet

In The Back Are My Leather Slippers.

Bring Them Down.

Okay.

All Right.

Pretty Crafty.

You Better Believe It.

She'll Look In That Closet

See Nothing

And Then Not Want To Come Down.

She'll Go In Her Room And Play

For The Rest Of The Night.

Here They Are.

Hmm?

Thank You, My Dear.

Now Teach Me How To Play Dominoes.

Okay, But I Would Appreciate If You Would Go Get My Robe.

It May Be Somewhere In Rudy's Room.

Look Around Hard And Good For It.

You Go Ahead.

This Better Be It.

My Play.

Now I Will...

Cliff: Hello.

Jeffrey?

Hello, Clair.

Jeffrey...

This Is, Um...

Bernadette Foley.

Hello.

How Did The Two Of You Make Out?

It's Been An Interesting Day.

Clair's Been Trying To Rearrange

The Architect's Model

Of This Building My Clients Are Putting Up.

She's Had The Lobby On The Roof.

She's Had The Garage

In The Nave Of The Church Next Door.

She Finally Suggested

That We Put The Whole 48-Story Building Underground.

I Said, "Clair, There Are Easier Ways

To Get To Australia."

You Came Up With That Retort, Just Like That?

That Was Unbelievably Clever.

Anybody Like Something Cold To Drink?

Apple Juice.

I'd Like A Soda.

Diet?

No, Sugar.

Jeffrey?

No, Uh...

Nothing For Me

But I'll Come With You.

Cliff, That Bernadette...

Sensational!

Oh, Yeah?

She's Attractive And Witty.

And What About That Drink?

She Didn't Want Diet.

She's A Rebel.

Sugar.

This Is A Woman.

So You Like Her, Huh?

Like Her?

Look At Me.

I'm Fluttering.

Wait A Minute!

Was I Wearing This Thing The Whole Time?

This Is A Disaster.

Put The Thing Back On.

She Doesn't Know About It.

Put It Back On.

I Can't.

Why?

Because This Is Artificial Turf

And There's No Turf Up Here At All.

She Doesn't Know You Don't Have Hair.

She Is So Magnificent, I Don't Know What To Say To Her.

We're Going To Go Back Out There.

I'll Start To Talk About You.

You Just Sit There And Then Take Your Cue.

Now Put The Thing On.

All Right.

No, No, No, No.

You Got It On Backwards.

Here We Go.

But If She Doesn't Spark To What You're Saying

Just Make Anything Up.

All Right!

Dear, You Know, Jeffrey Just Told Me

He Sold A New Novel.

Oh, Yes?

You're A Novelist?

He's A Fine Writer

Of Western Novels.

What's The Title?

Longhorns From Laredo.

Wait A Minute.

What Is Your Last Name?

My Name Is Engels

But I Write Under The Name Buck Larue.

Did You Write Five Bullets For Billy?

Yeah, That Was The First In My Billy Series.

No?!

That Is A Tremendous Book.

This Is A Treat To Meet You.

Somebody In My Office Gave Me That Book.

It Is So Gritty And Raw

I Kept Wondering

What Buck Larue

Looked Like.

I Pictured This Cowboy

With His Six-Shooters At His Side

Riding The Range.

Actually, I'm Allergic To Horses.

At Any Rate, You Have An Incredible Imagination.

This Book Is Filled With The Most Wonderful Imagery

And Passion.

Clair, Let's Go Get Some Cheese.

No, You Stay Here.

Excuse Me.

What Are You Coming In Here Following Me For?

I Can't Do This.

What Do You Mean?

She Was Excited About You.

She Said "Raw And Gritty."

She Was Interested In You.

I Know, I Know.

But, I Mean, This Is Not Really Me!

None Of This Stuff.

It's Just Ridiculous.

I Know I'm Boring, But I Have To Be Me.

Here I Meet This Wonderful Person

And I Behave Like A Complete Idiot.

I'm Very Sorry.

The Whole Thing's Been A Mistake.

Good Evening.

Good Evening.

Where Did Everybody Go?

Oh, They Went To The Office.

Dr. Huxtable, You Haven't Taught Me

How To Play Dominoes Yet.

But You Didn't Find My Yellow Robe.

I Did.

You Did?

Rudy Helped Me.

Rudy Found My Robe?

No, But She Said You Used To Do The Same Thing To Her.

Did What?

Maked Her Look For Your Robe To Keep Her Busy.

So We Looked For It Together.

You Find It?

Yes.

Well, Where Is It?

In Other Words, I Don't Get My Robe

Until I Teach You How To Play Dominoes.

Right.

Now Let's Begin

But Nice And Slow.

(Doorbell Ringing)

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, Neighbor.

Well, You Changed.

Yep. The Real Jeffrey Engels.

My Own Clothes.

My Own Head.

You Look Nice.

Is Bernadette Still Here?

They Went Back To The Law Office.

Boy, I'd Really Like To See Her Again.

You Know, When I Do

By That Time, I May Be Even More Me.

Well, That Will Be Nice.

Well, Better Be Going.

I'm Going To Be Returning A Few Things.

The Suit, The Hair...

And The Vesuvia.

You're Returning The Vesuvia?

Yeah, The Dealer Closes At About 5:00.

You Better Hurry.

It's Three Of.

You Forget--

I'm Driving The Vesuvia!

Okay.

Okay.

See You.