Original subtitles

This Is The Best Elevator Music I've Ever Heard.

Excuse Me?

The Hostess Asked Us To Share A Table.

Do You Mind?

Oh, No.

I'm Waiting For Someone, But He Hasn't Arrived.

I'm Tory. This Is Fran.

I'm Martin.

So, Are You A Student At N.Y.U.?

No, I'm A Navy Engineer.

You Must Be An Officer.

I'm A Lieutenant.

We're Grad Students In Psychology.

I've Been Waiting 20 Minutes For A Menu.

Why Don't I Just

Get Up And Get One?

That Man Is Mine

And Don't You Fight Me On This.

Not So Fast.

This Man Has A Ring On His Left Hand.

( Whispering ) I Refuse To Believe

That Gorgeous Engineer Is Married.

They're Out Of Menus, Can You Believe It?

I'd Like To Ask You Something.

Sure.

If We Were Having A Party Tonight

At The Grad Center

Would You Like To Come

Alone?

No.

Who Would You Bring?

My Wife.

All The Good Ones Are Taken.

Martin: There Are A Couple Left...

Someplace.

Do You Know Any?

Addresses.

The Navy Is Full Of Them.

Full Of Them?

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Fran And Tory

This Is My Father-In-Law, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi. Hi.

It's So Crowded, They Had To Sit With Me.

If Someone Has To Sit With You, This Is A Wonderful Choice.

Oh, Yes.

It Wasn't A Good Choice For Us.

Really?

Martin Led Us On--

Pretended He Wasn't Married.

Ha, Ha.

No, No, Don't Do That.

Stop That.

Okay, Okay.

I See That Ring On Your Finger.

Oh, Yes, This Is 26 Years

Of Wonderful Time.

This Is Five Months Here

Of Wonderful Time.

Wonderful?

Yes, Indeed.

( Coughing )

Hey, Dad.

This Is My Son, Theo.

Nice To Meet You, Theo.

Your Father And Brother-In-Law

Have Been Leading Us On

Pretending They're Not Married.

No, Uh...

That's, That's...

That's Not True At All.

Matter Of Fact, He Is An Eligible Bachelor.

You Should Take Theo To That Party You Mentioned.

Party?

Oh...

Denise, Guess What?

What?

When I Was Christmas Shopping Yesterday

I Saw Santa Three Times.

Three Times?

Yes.

He Was Standing On The Sidewalk

He Was In A Store

And He Was On An Escalator.

Wow...

Santa Gets Around Pretty Quick.

Let Me Tell You.

These Were Three Different Santas.

Oh...

One Was Black...

Say "African-American."

Okay. One Was White...

Say "Caucasian."

What?

Cau-Casian.

Caw...

Anyway, One Was...

Chinese.

Say "Asian."

( Sighing )

Well, They Were Three Different Santas.

Okay.

Which One Was The Real Santa?

No One Has Ever Seen The Real Santa

'Cause He Always Comes When We're Sleeping.

Santa Helps Children

From All Over The World.

He Has Some Of Everyone Inside Him.

Is That Why He's

So Fat?

We're About Ready To Leave.

Your Sisters Are Putting The Finishes On Elvin's Outfit.

There You Go.

Hey.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, Sparky, Give Me Some Sugar.

Mom, Denise, I Would Keep An Eye On Your Husbands.

I Walk Into The Cafe

And Guess Who Was Sitting At A Table

With Two Gorgeous Women.

Who?

Dad And Martin.

That's Right.

Theo, I Asked You

Not To Make A Big Deal Out Of This.

The Place Was Crowded

So The Girls Had To Sit At Our Table.

Yes, And I Do Believe

If We Had Not Shown Them Our Wedding Rings

Those Young Ladies Were Going To Take Us Out

To A Party Tonight.

That's Nice.

Let's Go Shopping.

Wait.

I Just Said A Gorgeous Girl

Wanted To Run Off With Me

And All You Say Is "Let's Go Shopping?"

You Could Never Have Done Such A Thing

For Two Very Good Reasons.

First, You Would Never Be Interested

In Another Woman.

That's Right.

What's The Second One?

She Probably Thought

You Were Too Old.

( Laughing Loudly )

Wait Till You See What We Did

To Elvin.

He's Supposed To Be An Elf

When He Visits The Children's Hospital.

He Only Wanted Tights

But We Made Him An Entire Outfit.

He Truly Is

An Elf.

He's Feeling Self-Conscious

So When He Comes Down, Play It Up.

Make Him Feel Good.

Elvin!

I'm Not Coming Down.

Come On, Honey, You're Going To Be Late.

Come On, Honey, You Look Fantastic.

Dad, Martin, Theo

Doesn't He Look Terrific?

I'm Studying To Be A Doctor To Earn Respect.

I Volunteered To Give Presents To Kids In The Hospital...

I Guess It's For A Good Cause

So I'll Do It.

I Just Don't Know How I'll Ever

Look The Guys In The Eye At The Hospital Again.

Elvin, You Just Have To Ask Yourself

Am I A Man Or Am I An Elf?

Don't Listen To Him, Honey.

Oh, Man, I Must Have Been Tired.

I Hit That Sofa, I Was Out Like That.

I Know.

I Wanted To Sleep On That Couch Myself.

You Should Have Said Something.

I Did, But You Were Snoring.

No More Apple Juice.

( Sighing Happily )

Really Had A Taste

For Some Apple Juice.

Can We Share?

Might As Well, You Took The Sofa.

Thank You.

So...

This Afternoon, We Met At The Cafe.

Now, We're Sitting Around The Kitchen Table.

Guess You Could Say This Is Our Day Together.

Okay.

It's Been About Four Months Since We Met

And I Don't Really Feel

I Know You.

I'm Cliff.

( Laughing Loudly )

See, You Are Funny.

You Have This Way Of Making People Laugh.

I Admire That.

Dr. Huxtable, I Really Love Your Daughter.

This Is A Great Family To Live With

And I Really Appreciate Everything You've Done For Us.

Really?

I Want To Apologize Again

For Marrying Your Daughter Without You Knowing About It.

I'm Sure It Came As A Surprise.

Surprise?

I Was Shocked.

I Didn't Even Have A Chance To Reject You.

You Wouldn't Have.

Suppose I'd Had A Shotgun

And Said, "Don't Come Through This Door."

I Would Have Said, "Open Fire.

You Can Take My Life, But You Can't Take My Love."

Pretty Good.

You Knew My Daughter Only Two Weeks

And You Got Married.

Now, In The Course Of That Two Weeks...

Did, Um...

Oh...

Oh, Boy.

I Don't Know If I Should Be Sharing That With You.

Yes, You Should.

When I First Met Denise

I Was Very Attracted To Her

Because She Is... Hot.

I Mean, No Disrespect Intended.

It's All Right, Just Watch Your Mouth.

Okay.

All Right, Anyway...

I Can't Believe I'm Telling You This.

You Should.

I Really Wanted To, Uh...

Yeah?

Be Careful.

Express Myself Physically With Her.

Can I Say That?

Yeah, But You're Borderline.

Okay.

You'll Be Happy To Know Denise Was Having None Of That.

Really?

On Our Wedding Night

I Discovered That, Of The Two Of Us

Only One Of Us Had Prior Experience.

And As You Know, I'm The One With The Daughter.

So, You're Telling Me

That My Daughter...

Yup.

Ha!

Hey, Watch Out.

Yeah.

So...

This Is What Lieutenant Junior Grade's Uniform

Looked Like In The 1950s.

That's Right.

Ten-Hut!

At Ease, Sailor.

Wait, I Outrank You, Lieutenant Junior Grade.

Not In My House.

Dr. Huxtable, This Is Very Sharp.

I Especially Loved Wearing This

On Foreign Soil.

I Didn't Know You Were Overseas.

Yes, Indeed.

In Some Pretty Hot Spots, Too.

Where?

St. Croix, Bermuda...

Hey!

Hey, Elfin

How Did It Go?

When They Asked Me, I Didn't Want To Do This.

And With This Costume, I Really Didn't Want To Do It.

But When I Got To The Hospital

I Saw The Smiles On Those Kids...

It Was Unbelievable.

I'm Going Back Tomorrow.

I Was So Good

That I Upstaged Santa Claus.

He Was Pitiful.

I Was Elvin The Elf.

He Was Santa The Sad Sack.

I Was Great.

I Was So Good

One Of The Fathers Asked Me To Do His Daughter's Party.

I'm Getting $100.

All I Can Say Is

( High-Pitched Voice: ) It's Great To Be Elvin The Elf.

I Got To Go Change.

Yeah.

I Hate To Get Out Of Costume, Though.

I Really Love It.

Yeah!

Elfin!

I'll Buy You An Apple Juice.

We Drank The Last One.

So, We'll Get Something Healthy

Like Ice Cream.

I'll Scoop.

Yeah.

I Must Tell You

That I've Enjoyed Your Company Today.

Starting With The Two Women

At The Coffee Place.

And I Really Do Like You.

I Do.

I Think The Only Thing That's Missing Though

Is I Feel Robbed.

Robbed?

When Sondra Got Married

I Gave Her Away

'Cause I'm The Father, You See?

I Didn't, In The Beginning

Want To Give Her Away To Elvin.

I Said "Elvin?"

But Now, After Knowing Him, Forget The Elf Stuff

Because He's Wonderful.

But Denise Comes Home, Married

And What's Missing Is

I Didn't Give Her Away.

I'm Sorry.

I Wish There Was Something I Could Do.

Who Gave Her Away?

Mufaro.

"Mu" Who?

Mufaro.

He Was From A Nearby Village.

He Had Many Goats.

A Man With Many Goats

Gave My Daughter Away In My Place.

I'm Afraid So.

Would You Feel Better

If I Said The Goats Weren't At The Wedding?

Uh, No.

Daddy, We're Back From Shopping.

I'm Glad, 'Cause I Missed You.

Where's Denise?

Getting Everything Out Of The Car.

We Bought Lots Of Stuff.

Good, I'm Going To Go Help.

Wait, Wait, Wait.

Mrs. Huxtable Will See.

She Doesn't Want Us Eating.

Shh!

Thank You.

( Raspberry )

So, How Did Shopping Go?

Good. I Saw Santa Again Today.

Yeah, Yeah, You See Santa Claus A Lot This Time Of Year.

The Santa I Saw Was Not The Real Santa.

Real Santa's At The North Pole.

Have You Seen The Real Santa?

Of Course I Have.

Every Year, He Comes Down The Chimney

In My House.

And He Says, "Dr. Huxtable, How Are You?

Ho-Ho-Ho."

What Does He Look Like?

He's Got Rosy Cheeks...

Beard...

And A Twinkle In His Eye.

Is He Caucasian, Or Afric-American, Or Asian?

Santa Claus...

Is...

Whatever...

You Are In That House.

See...

When He Comes Down The Chimney

Let's Say You Were Japanese.

He Would Zoom!, Japanese.

Then He Would Come In Here--

Same Santa--

Zoom, African-American.

I Was Over

To Mr. Jefferson's House.

He's Caucasian, You Know.

And I'm Sitting There And Santa Came Down

Zoom, He Was Caucasian.

Looked At Me, He Said, "Uh-Oh!"

You Understand?

So, So...

I Said, "It's All Right, He'll Be Down In A Minute."

And We Gave A High-Five.

You're Making No Sense, Dr. Huxtable.

No One Can Change Like That.

Are You Telling Me That Santa Claus...

The Man Who Makes Toys For Little Kids...

The Man Who Knows If You Are Naughty Or Nice...

Doesn't Have The Ability To Change?

What Color Is He At The North Pole?

You Have To Ask Mrs. Santa Claus.

I Want To Talk To Mrs. Santa Claus.

Do You Have Her Phone Number?

Yes.

Adults Have The Phone Number

To The Santa Claus House.

Because If Little Girls And Boys Had It

They Would Call Every Five Minutes.

"Oh, Santa, Can I Have This? Can I Have That?"

And You Better Just Stop Bothering Me

Before I Call Santa And Give Him A Bad Report About You.

No, Don't Do That.

Well, Then You Better Prove To Me

That You're A Good Girl.

I'm Good, I'm Good.

You Have To Prove It By Doing Something.

What?

Mop This Floor.

Where Do I Start?

I'm Ready.

I Don't Believe This.

Give Me The Mop, Please.

Eat Your Ice Cream.

You Kids Are All Alike.

Around Christmas, You'll Do Anything.

"I'll Mop The Floor. I'll Do The Windows.

I'll Wash Your Car. I'll Do Anything."

Around April, I Say, "Mop The Floor."

"Oh, But I'm Just A Little Kid.

"Oh, I'm Just So Tired.

Ohhh..."

At Least I Don't Eat Ice Cream When I'm Not Supposed To.

Cliff!

Cliff!

No.

What's Going On?

Now, You Just Take Your Daughter's Arm.

And Cue...

( Humming "The Wedding March" )

Please Escort The Bride To The Altar.

( Humming Stops )

Even Though We're Already Married

There's Something Missing.

A Man Named Mufaro

Gave This Woman Away To Me.

Unfortunately, The Only Thing

He Could Really Give Away

Were His Many Goats.

Now, Is There A Man

Who Wants To Give His Daughter Away?

Here's A Gentleman Right Here.

Please, Give Her Away.

This Is Not A Loan.

Do You, Denise, Take Me, Martin

To Be Your Husband?

I Already Did.

Do You, Martin, Take Me, Denise

As Your Wife?

I Already Did.

Now, I May Kiss The Bride.

Ooh.

Mmm...

Stop.

Where You Going?

Honeymoon.

Whoo!

Yes!

No!