Original subtitles

This Is The Best Elevator Music I've Ever Heard.

( Mumbling In Sleep )

We Interrupt Our Regular Programming

For A Special News Report.

Here Is Nbc News Correspondent John Palmer.

Palmer: This Morning Three More Pregnant Men Were Sighted.

The Men Were Discovered In Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

This Brings The Number Of Pregnant Men In The U.S.

To Well Over 11,300,000.

As We Reported Earlier

This Phenomenon Has Been Traced To A Volcano Eruption In Peru.

Scientists Say Spores From The Volcano

Altered The Water Supply

Enabling Men To Become Pregnant.

As Yet, No Man Has Given Birth

But Millions Are Due At Any Moment.

Hospitals Are Standing Ready In A State Of Total Confusion.

Wait, This Just In.

Another Pregnant Man Has Been Spotted In Marietta, Ohio.

Stay Tuned For Further Updates.

Cliff, Honey!

Get Down, They Just Found Four More.

All Right.

Honey, Can You Believe It?

They Found

Four More Pregnant Men.

I Feel Sorry For Them.

I Feel Sorry For Myself.

Please, Please, Please.

Don't Touch Me, Please.

Would You Like A Pillow?

Please.

Can You Scoot...

Yeah, Just That.

Be Careful.

Now, Is That Better?

I Got To Put My...

Yes, Just Put Them Up Here On The Table.

They're Not Bending Well.

Ahh...

Uh.

Now, How's That?

That's Much Better.

Where's That Mess Come From?

Who Ate Down Here?

I Did, Cliff.

Why Didn't You Clean Up?

Well, Honey, I'm Sorry.

I Want The Mess Cleaned Up.

You People Come In Here And Eat

And I Just Finished Cleaning...

Never Mind, I'll Get It.

No, Please, I'll Get It.

Why Can't You Clean Up

After You've Finished Eating?

I'm Sorry.

And Look At This.

I Just Dusted And Cleaned In Here

And Now Look At The Floor.

I'll Have To Vacuum.

I'm Sorry, I'll Vacuum.

No, You're Not Sorry.

You Don't Care How I Look.

You Don't Care.

Honey, Please.

Look At You.

Never Mind.

Sweetheart, Come On Now.

No, No, No.

Just Relax, Come On.

( Doorbell Rings )

I'll Get It.

I'll Get It.

Hi!

How Are You?

I'm Fine.

And Dad.

How Are You?

Where's Elvin?

He's On His Way.

Hello, Elvin.

Hello.

Hi!

I Don't Know Why They Make Those Car Seats

So Low To The Ground.

Must Have Been Made By Women.

Hi.

Have A Seat.

Yeah.

I Gained Another Eight Pounds.

You Still Look Gorgeous.

I Do Not.

Well, I Stopped Having Morning Sickness.

Now, I'm Having Afternoon And Night Sickness.

I'm Sick At Dusk.

You Men.

You'll Drop Them Any Minute.

You're Sure It's Only Eight Pounds?

Looks Like You Might Be Having Twins.

Well, If Anyone Could Give Him Twins

It Would Be Me.

( Laughing )

Check It Out

I Didn't Do Too Badly Myself.

Oh, I Can't Wait

To Get Started On The Next One.

Look At His Face, How It's Filling Out.

Isn't He Cute?

Shall We Make Our Husbands Some Tea?

Uh, Good Idea.

Nothing For Me, Thanks.

I Can't Keep Anything Down.

We'll Be In The Kitchen

If You Need Us.

Hey, Theo.

Hello, Theo.

Hi Everybody, Dad.

Hey Dad...

Son...

How Are You Doing?

I'm Doing As Well As I Can.

It's Not Easy To Deal With Being An Unwed Father.

I Can't Believe She Just Got On The Bus

And Left Town.

She Told Me She Loved Me.

But I Guess She Was Only After One Thing.

That's What You Get

For Giving It Up Without A Ring.

Guys, Let Me Ask You Something.

Has Anyone Thought About What It Will Be Like

When We Give Birth?

You Know, The Pain.

Dad, You've Seen Births.

What's It Like?

There's Going To Be Pain.

A Lot Of Pain.

Gentlemen, I Don't Like To Hear This Kind Of Talk.

We're Men!

We Handle Pain Better Than Women, Right?

I'm Sensing Some Hesitation Here.

And I Don't Like It.

Look...

I Am A Proud Member

Of This Country's Military Service.

We Do More Before 6:00 A.M.

Than Most People Do All Day.

We Can Take It.

When I Say Men Take Pain Better

I Expect Agreement, Right?

All: Right, All Right.

Ooh!

What If It's Harder For Us?

We'll Never Hear The End Of It.

We'll Make A Pact.

No Matter How Bad The Pain Gets

We Won't Let On.

All: Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

All Right.

All For One!

And One For All!

And Three For Five!

All: All Right!

I Don't Know Why I'm Coming Out Here.

I Have To Go Right Back In There In A Minute.

I'll Have To Spend The Rest Of My Life

In That Bathroom.

Aahhh...

Dear, I Tell You

I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me.

But I Just Think I'm Too Old.

I'm 52.

I'm Too Old To Have A Baby.

( Giggling )

( Whimpering )

Cliff, Are You All Right?

Contraction.

Okay, Let's Go To The Hospital.

That's Just Your First.

You Have To Wait Till They're Five Minutes Apart.

Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Body.

Now, I'm Going, Let's Go.

We Have To Time These Things.

Five Minutes Apart.

You Know How This Goes.

Look, This Is My Body.

Now, Get The Car Ready.

Saddle Up, Roy.

We're Out Of Here.

Let's Put Your Bag By The Door.

When The Contractions Are Five Minutes Apart

Then We'll Go.

Look, When Was The Last Time.

What Was My Contraction Time?

How Long Ago?

I Don't Know.

What Do You Mean, You Don't Know?

That's The Only Job You Have

Is To Time The Contractions.

You Can't Do A Simple Job.

I'm Having The Baby

And You Can't Remember When I Said "Oh."

It's A Very Simple Job.

All You Have To Do

Is Time The Contractions

And You Can't Remember The Time.

You Just Want To Get In The Car.

Well, Go!

And It's The Last Time

You And I Get In This Bed Together.

( Jazz Music Playing )

Ohh...

Good Exercise, Good Exercise.

I Thought I'd Seen It All.

The 1939 World's Fair, Combat In Sicily

Elvis On The Ed Sullivan Show

And Last Week, I Swear I Saw Elvis Alive

At The Paramus Mall.

But I Never Seen Men Giving Birth.

It's Remarkable.

Grandpa, How Did You Avoid This?

Didn't You Hear The News This Morning?

They Say When The Volcano Erupted

The Spores Didn't Reach The Water Supply

In New Jersey.

You Know, I'm Curious.

You Planning To Breast Feed?

Ooh!

Contraction!

Oh, Oh!

Elvin, Was That You?

Oh, Honey, Breathe, Breathe.

Oooohh!

Oww!

Martin, The Contractions?

Yes!

( Screaming And Confusion )

But, But...

I'm Ready For More!

That's The Attitude.

All For One...

Men: And One For All!

And Three For Five!

Should We Get The Cars?

Yes, Get The Cars.

You'll Be All Right?

Breathe!

( Gleeful Squealing )

Oh, Russell, Go Get Our Car.

We'll Take The Unwed One.

I Won't Make It.

Yes, You Will.

I Can't Take It, This Hurts!

I Haven't Even Given Birth Yet!

Shut Up!

I Hope Sandra's Wrong

About The Twins.

I'll Crack.

I Can't Take It!

Shut Up!

Shut Up.

Now, What Happened

To All That Military Man Stuff

You Were Talking A Minute Ago?!

That Was Before I Had The Contraction!

Shut Up!

Hey, Fellas, Wait A Minute.

I Am Beginning...

To Sense Some Fear In This Room!

Now...

If Things Are This Bad Right Now

We're Probably Thinking

They'll Be A Lot Worse, Right?

Uh-Huh.

Shut Up!

Now, When I Was On The Wrestling Team

In High School

My Coach Would Say

"The Toughest Battle You'll Face

Is With Your Courage."

Then...

He'd Look Each Of Us In The Eye, And Say

"When The Tough Get Going, The Tough Get Going!"

One For All.

All: One For All.

All For One.

And Three For Five.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Dr. Strauss.

Dr. Huxtable.

All The Huxtables.

I See You Came To Make A Delivery.

Any Men Deliver Yet?

Yes, Your Neighbor Jeffrey Engels Gave Birth

A Couple Minutes Ago.

Well, Let's Burn Rubber.

Jeffrey!

Cliff, Clair.

We Heard You Just Delivered.

Yes, I Did.

Theo: How Was It?

Theo, I Can Only Say It Was A Miracle.

To Think That My Body

Could Bring Forth A Little Tiny Creature

That Exists On Its Own.

I'm Filled With Such Wonder.

They Laid It On My Chest For Me To Hold.

It Had Such A Sweet, Angelic, Little Face.

It Put My Whole Life Into Perspective.

Mr. Engels, What Did It Feel Like Giving Birth?

What Did It Feel Like?

Didn't You Hear Me Screaming In There?!

It's The Worst Pain

I Ever Felt In My Life!

I Didn't Know That Pain Like That Could Exist.

The Horror!

I Don't Understand How Mother Nature Could Allow

Such Terrible Suffering To Happen To A Human Being!

Excruciating, Searing, Grueling, Unbearable

Piercing Pain!

And When I Think Of Where That Baby Came Out Of...

Aaahhhhhh!!

( Screaming And Confusion )

Calm Down...

Calm Down!

Ooh, Uh!

Uh, Ooh!

Oh... Oh... Oh!

Breathe.

Cliff, Honey, Please Breathe!

Breathe!

( Crying )

Yes, Honey, Yes, Yes.

Breathe.

Breathe!

Knock Me Out!

Knock Me Out!

Knock Me Out!

Dr. Strauss!

It's Coming!

Oh...

Push, Push.

I Am Pushing!

Oh, It's Big!

Oh!

Ohhhh!

Oh!

Where Did This Come From?

Oh, Look, Honey.

A Sloop With Full Mast.

Take It Out!

Oh...

Take It Out!

Ah, Ah!

Take This Thing Out!

Breathe, Breathe!

It's Out!

Whoa!

Sports Car.

Ahh!

Ah, Just What I Always Wanted.

Clair: Doctor, We're Having A Problem.

No, Cliff, You're Tensing, Honey.

I Want You To Breathe!

Come On, Inhale, And Push.

And Push!

And Push, Come On.

( Screaming )

Oh, Cliff.

Oh, Honey.

Oh, Oh!

Argh!

Yahhh!

Oh, Cliff.

Oh, Honey.

Clair...

Clair, Clair.

Hmm?

Oh, Clair, I Love You So Much.

And I Love Women.

I Think Women Are The Most Wonderful People

On The Face Of This Earth.