Original subtitles

There Are No Interesting Movies.

How About This One?

Unusual Circumstances.

You Guys Know What That's About?

That's A Remake Of A French Movie.

Hey.

Dr. Huxtable.

Didn't You And Mom See Unusual Circumstances?

Yeah.

What's It About?

Three Swinging Bachelors

And They Live In The Same Apartment

And Somebody Leaves A Baby Porcupine

In Front Of Their Door

But Then A Dalmatian Comes Along...

And Attacks The Porcupine.

The Porcupine Gives Some Porcupines To The Dalmatian

And They Had To Take The Dalmatian To This Hospital

Where They Meet These Three Attractive Nurses.

They Just Started To...

It Was Just...

That Was About All There Was To It.

That's Too Deep For Us.

And It Was Too Deep For Us.

But We Laid Out Seven Dollars Apiece

So You Stay With The Movie.

We Won't Make Any Movie.

Denny's Already 15 Minutes Late.

Again?

It's Love.

Denny's In Love?

Worse, The Man's Hypnotized.

He's Dating An Acting Student.

Jade Marsh.

At The All-Night Theater

We Got A Triple Feature Of Kung Fu Movies.

They're Playing Enter The Ninja, Fist Of Destruction

And Master Chen Meets Master Fu.

Kung Fu Movies.

Ah-Nu-Nu-Nu.

Ah-Nu-Nu-Nu.

Ah-Nu-Nu-Nu.

( Imitiating Bad Dub Of Foreign Film )

Chin Wa, I Thought You Were Dead.

Watch Yourselves Or You'll Be In A

Lot Of Trouble.

( Sound Of Fists Hitting Flesh )

Wah, Wah.

Hey

What Are You Looking At

Potbelly?

Chin Wa, I Thought You Were Dead.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

( Birds Chirping )

( Phone Ringing )

Hello?

We Don't Sell Rice Cakes Here.

You've Got The Wrong Number.

( Doorbell )

It's The Lovebird.

What's Up?

Hey, Guys.

Where Have You Been?

Jade Has The Lead In This Play.

She Needs Me.

Right, Denny.

Jade Is Playing Medea.

This Is Her Greatest Role Yet.

She Wears This Very Short Toga.

It's Powerful.

That's Nice.

You Have Anything In The Fridge?

I Could Use A Snack.

Mom And Dad Bought Groceries This Morning.

Let's Go.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Ah-Nu-Nu-Nu.

Ah-Nu-Nu-Nu.

No, No, No, No.

What Are You Doing?

We've Come For Food.

Rice Cakes, Father.

You've Come For Nothing.

Two Dollars Per Person.

You Won't Charge Us Two Dollars For Food?

See What He Grabbed?

You're Getting A Deal For Two Dollars Apiece.

I Don't Have Two Dollars.

You Keep Giving Me The Same Line.

You Owe Me $492,000.

You Have To See This.

I Found It On The Way Over.

I Was Walking On Atlantic Avenue And Saw It In The Grass.

Oh, Man!

This Is An Expensive Watch.

I Thought So.

This Is A Designer Watch--

A Jacques Pardeau.

I Saw One Of These

On Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous.

Maybe I Should Take It To The Police Station.

A Policeman Didn't Lose This.

They Can't Afford One Of These On Their Salary.

What Will I Do With A Woman's Watch?

Maybe There's A Woman You Want To Give It To.

Jade Would Love This.

Let's Go To The Cafe.

She Hangs Out There After Rehearsal.

What About This Food?

I Need You To Back Me Up.

You Know Me Around Women.

My Mouth Dries Up And Foam Comes Out.

All Right, Den.

We Got Your Back.

Lou, Come On.

I'm Paying Two Dollars For This.

I'm Getting Food To Go.

Thank You.

I'm Feeling The Foam Coming Back.

Drink More Water.

When You Give Her The Watch, Remember What We Told You.

Practice The Line.

I Would Like To Present You

With This Token Of My Affliction.

No, Man, Affection.

What Did I Say?

Affliction.

She'll Laugh In My Face.

Theo: You Guys.

Jade's Here.

Dennis, Darling.

Hello, Leo, Stu, Pritchard.

Theo.

Lou.

Mitchell.

Fine.

Dennis, I Am Beside Myself With Anger.

What Is It, My Sweet?

How Could A Campus Newspaper Write Vicious Things About Me?

I Was The Star Of The Play.

Listen.

"The Only Problem This Reviewer Had With The Play Mother Courage

"Was The Performance Of Jade Marsh.

"Her Acting Reminds Me Of A Ham And Cheese Sandwich

Without The Cheese And Bread."

Me--

A Ham?!

Don't Feel So Bad.

Lots Of People Like Ham.

This Is So Upsetting.

I Must Have A Cappuccino.

I'll Buy It For You.

Denny, Wait.

This Is The Time To Give Her The Watch.

Her Ego Is Crushed.

If Only Denny Gets The Words Out.

Come On, Den.

Quit Drinking.

Give Her The Watch.

Lou: He's Got It Out.

Mitchell: He's Giving It To Her Now.

I Don't See Any Foam.

Theo: She's Getting All Emotional Or Something.

It Looks Like The Real Thing.

Touchdown!

And The Extra Point!

Mmmmm!

I Got To Get Me A Watch Like That.

Hello.

Theo. Lou.

Right.

Have You Seen The Lovely Ornament

That My Dear Dennis Gave To Me?

Beautiful.

It's The Most Gorgeous Gift I've Ever Received.

And Expensive.

I Took It To Have It Appraised.

You'll Never Love A Woman As Much As Dennis Loves Me.

Excuse Me.

Yes?

Are You Jade Marsh?

Why, Yes.

We Were Contacted By A Mr. Kraus

From Zak's Jewelry Store.

He Said You Had A Watch Appraised.

That's Correct.

Is That The Watch?

It Is.

Are You Aware

That Watch Was Reported Stolen?

Preposterous.

This Was A Gift From My Boyfriend.

Could You Take It Off?

Never.

I Cherish It.

I Won't Take It Off For Anyone.

Jade, Don't You Think You Should Cooperate

With The Police Here?

I Know My Rights.

This Is An Invasion Of Privacy.

Dennis, Darling.

They Have The Audacity To Imply This Watch Is Stolen.

Tell Them How

You Bought It For Me As A Symbol Of Our Love.

Well, It's A Symbol Of Our Love.

I'd Like To See The Serial Number

On That Symbol Of Your Love.

If We Don't See The Serial Number

We'll Have To Take You In.

You Can Shackle Me

And Throw Me In A Dungeon

Before I'll Allow

This Watch To Leave My Wrist.

Have It Your Way.

If Truth

Shall Be My Companion In The Flames...

So Be It.

That Won't Be Necessary.

Dennis, Our Love Will Carry Me Through This.

Don't Leave Town, Mr. Love.

Hi, Rudy.

Shh. Theo's On The Phone With Lou.

You Know Better Than To Listen In.

I Know.

But This Is Good.

What Are They Talking About?

Denny Found This Stolen Watch

And Theo Talked Him Into Giving It To Jade.

The Police Took Jade Away.

Denny's At The Police Station Right Now.

May Have To Go To Jail.

Whoa.

Why Didn't Denny Just Tell Jade

That He Found The Watch?

You Know Guys.

They're Dumb.

If I Were Denny, I'd Beat Theo Up.

He Should Beat Him Up Good.

You Really Think So?

Hello, Kenny, I Have To Go Now.

You Were Talking To Kenny, Huh?

Yeah.

You Weren't Listening To My Conversation?

No.

We Got To Go.

You Better Leave Us Alone.

We Can Have You Put In Jail, Too.

( Doorbell )

Hey, Man, You Okay?

I Guess Not.

You Want To Talk About It?

The Police Said The Watch Was Stolen Tuesday Night.

I Was Cleared Because I Was At Jade's Rehearsal.

So Everything Worked Out.

Jade And I Stood In Front Of A Sergeant's Desk

Surrounded By Drunkards And Prostitutes

And One Guy I Think Was A Murderer.

In Front Of All Them I Told Jade I Found The Watch.

How Did She Take It?

She Called Me A Despicable Conniving Cretin.

Then She Pointed At Me, Turned To The Sergeant And Said

"Have Him Arrested For Impersonating A Man."

It Was The Most Humiliating Moment

In My Entire Life.

I Feel For You, Den.

You Don't Know How I Feel.

I Was Going To Give Her A Ring.

I'm Sorry, Man.

Maybe Next Time.

I Have To Get Her Back.

You Know What To Do.

You're Always Messing Up With Women.

Yeah, But I Never Get Them Back.

Is Your Dad Here?

He's Good With Advice.

But With My Dad You've Got To Be Careful.

On A Good Day, He Can Give Excellent Advice.

Clear And To The Point.

But On His Bad Days, He Can Really Ramble.

He'll Lean Back In His Chair, Let Out A Breath, Roll His Eyes

And Then You Have To Sit There Until He Runs Out Of Words.

I'll Take My Chances.

I Just Want Jade Back.

Okay.

Dad!

Hey!

I'll Ask Him A Test Question

And We'll See If He's Having A Good Day Or A Bad Day.

Hey, Dad.

Yo.

I Have A Question.

What?

My Professor Gave Me A "C" On A Paper

And I'm Really Upset.

Yesterday He Invited A Whole Bunch Of People

To His House For A Party.

I Don't Really Want To Go Because I'm Still Upset.

Should I Go?

Go.

Don't Burn Your Bridges Unless You Have A Boat.

Thanks, Dad.

Dr. Huxtable, Can I Ask You A Question?

Sure, Go Ahead.

I Found This Expensive Watch And Gave It To Jade.

It Turned Out To Be Stolen.

After I Confessed, She Dumped Me.

How Do I Get Her Back?

You See... Sit Down.

I Think It Was 1951...

( No Audio )

Easter Sunday.

I Had Some...

A Piece Of Lint On The Side Of My Head.

And, Uh...

I Was Going With This Girl, And She Already Had A Boyfriend.

She Told Me

"Do You Want To Go With Me While I'm Going With Him?"

I Said, "As Long As You Say You Still Love Me."

She Said, "Yes."

I Can't Remember What Her Name Was.

I Told Her To Meet Me In Church.

So I'm Sitting There, And She's Sitting There.

Right Where The Lint Is.

Through The Whole Sermon.

Dad?

Yes?

What In The World

Does That Have To Do With Denny?

Denny Doesn't Have A Piece Of Lint In His Hair.

I'm Talking About Lint In My Hair And Easter.

During That Time There's Another Lent.

Exactly, Dr. Huxtable.

No, Wait A Minute, Dad...

Exactly.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank You.

( Phonograph Playing "Suddenly, I'm All Alone" )

How You Feeling Now?

The Same.

I'm Glad We're Spending The Night Together.

Who Needs A Date On A Saturday Night?

I'd Much Rather Be With My Male Friends.

I Only Have Male Friends Now.

But, Den, That's Good.

Sometimes When I'm Out With Justine

I Think Of You Guys Hanging Out Together.

I Feel Like I'm Missing Something.

What?

You Know, Talking, Laughing

Doing The Guy Stuff.

Just Being A Guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's Great.

Oh-Ho.

I Know Exactly What This Is.

Four Guys Sitting There All Alone.

Got No Dates.

0 For 4.

It Happens Every Now And Then.

It's Not What You're Thinking.

We Decided It Would Be Great

For Us To Sit Here

And Hang Out Around The House.

Really?

That's Nice.

Why Don't You Join Us, Dr. Huxtable?

I Think I Will

Because My Wife Went Out With My Sister-In-Law Tonight.

I Guess We're 0 For 5, Then.

Not Really.

Mine Will Be Back.

You Ever Wonder What Your Life Would Be Like

If You Never Got Married?

It's Funny You Should Ask That.

I'm Talking About 1950... 1952.

I Was Working For A Pharmacist.

I Was Driving His Car To Make A Delivery.

It Was A Desoto.

No, No, No, It Was A Packard.

No Disrespect, Theo, I Can't Take This.

And I'm Driving

And This Very Painting Is Similar To Where I Had To Go.

Because Over Here Was Harrisburg.

And This Was Philly.

And The Bridge...

There Was A Sign Here Said, "Detour."

Lou: Please, Theo.

I'd Rather Have Some Woman Tell Me To Get Lost

Than Listen To This.

The Bridge Looked Like It Was Going To Go Out...

Boy, That Packard Could Hold The Road.

You Sit Down On That Thing And Drop It Into Second.

In Those Days You Had To Press On That Clutch.

And I'm Driving With This Medicine

Trying To Get Over There And I Turned...

Now Check It.