Original subtitles

Hey, Guys.

What's Going On?

Denny, Sit Down.

Lou Was Regaling Us A Tale From Art Class.

Start At The Beginning.

Our Teacher Said We'd Be Doing Nature Portraits.

I Figured We'd Draw Fruit.

In Walks This Model In A Bathrobe.

Guy Or Girl?

I Wouldn't Be Telling This Story

If It Was A Guy.

The Bathrobe-- Did It Come Off?

I Wouldn't Be Telling This Story If It Didn't.

I Spent My Morning Studying Carbon Molecules.

Lou: Anyway, She Unties The Bathrobe...

Wait A Minute.

Justine Just Walked In With Some Guy.

She's Been In Here With Him

A Couple Of Times.

She Has?

His Name Is Scott.

I Saw Them At A Movie Last Week.

You Did?

I Saw Them Studying.

What?

From The Same Book

They Were Studying.

A Guy Has Been Hanging Around My Woman

And No One Tells Me?

We Figured You Didn't Want To Hear.

It Would Have Pained Your Male Psyche.

You're Supposed To Be My Friends.

You're Supposed To Tell Me What's Going On.

If I Saw Somebody With Your Girlfriends

I'd Tell You.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend.

I Already Know

My Girl's Going Out With Four Other Guys Anyway.

Don't Jump To Conclusions.

Maybe They're Not Serious.

Looks Like He's Scoring Some Pretty Big Points To Me.

Looks That Way To Me, Too.

You Better Go Put That Fire Out

Before The Flames Get Higher.

I Think I Will.

The Professor Put The Book On The Table

And Said, "If Any Of You Can Write Like This

I'll Sign Up For Your Class."

You Tell Such Good Stories.

Excuse Me.

You're Not Supposed To Be Sitting There.

I Thought This Table Wasn't Taken.

Scott, This Is Theo.

Hey, Theo.

I Assume You Know Who I Am?

She Just Told Me.

That's Not Who I Am.

That's Just My Name.

Who I Am Is Justine's Boyfriend.

You Didn't Tell Me You Had A Boyfriend.

Oh, You Didn't?

You Know We're Free To Date Other People.

That's The Way You Wanted It.

Look, My Friend...

There Are About A Million Other Women On This Campus

That You Could Be Hitting On.

I've Seen You Hitting On Quite A Few Yourself.

You Have?

That's Not The Issue Here.

Justine...

Shall I Leave?

No.

Good-Bye, Pal.

What?

I Said, 'Good-Bye.'

Fine.

Let's Go.

Outside Now!

I'm Not Fighting.

Are You Scared?

Let Me Tell You...

Stop It!

Theo, I Can't Believe You.

Me?

What About Him?

He Won't Even Fight For Your Honor.

Maybe I Prefer That In A Man.

Scott, Let's Go Someplace

Where The People Aren't Behaving

Like They're Wearing Animal Skins.

Fine With Me.

Theo, Call Me Someday When You're Acting Your Age.

How Did It Go?

He Left, Didn't He?

( Doorbell )

Hey, Dr. Huxtable!

How You Doing?

It Is So Cold Out There.

When I Stepped Outside, This Freezing North Wind Hit Me.

Actually, It Was The West.

We Don't Have A Weather Vane--

We Have A Bird Feeder.

But The Birds All Went South.

I Still See Some Of Them Around.

Do You Think It Will Snow?

Thank You.

Is Vanessa Upstairs?

Vanessa Will Not Be Here Until Late, Late Tonight.

Why Didn't You Say So?

Tell Her I Went To The Library

To Pick Up That Book By Edgar Allan Poe.

You Know... "Nevermore, Nevermore."

I Wanted To Do "The Pit And The Pendulum"

But It's Too Scary.

You Can Turn The Pages

But The Words Are Still There.

It Will Snow

Because When It Snows It's Wet And Damp

And It's Not Right Now.

I Wish I Could Ski.

Whew.

Thank You.

Do You Remember What To Tell Vanessa?

I... I...

You're Going To The Restaurant

To Have Some Ribs With Edgar Allan Poe

At A Place Called The Pit And The Pendulum.

You'll Be There Until The Snow Comes

Because It's Wet Outside.

Thank You.

Bye. Bye-Bye.

( Knocking )

Come In.

Your Problems Are Behind You.

Who's The Man You Want To Get Rid Of But Can't?

Scott.

The Guy Who's Stealing Your Girlfriend.

We Know How To Get Rid Of Him.

Read This Ad.

"Dr. Lotus--

"Licensed Practitioner Of The Spiritual Sciences.

"Cures Illness, Ends Feuds, Makes Unwanted People Go Away.

"Results Guaranteed.

27 Years At The Same Location."

Guys, This Sounds Like A Voodoo Doctor.

You're In A Desperate Situation.

And The Situation Is Getting Bleak.

Can He Really Help?

My Aunt Ruth Knew A Man Who Owed Another Man Money.

He Wouldn't Pay Him Back.

He Went To A Guy Like Dr. Lotus.

The Next Day, The Other Guy Grew A Donkey's Tail.

His Ears Tripled In Size.

They Were Flapping Against His Shoulders.

Someone Definitely

Put The Whammy On Him.

What Do You Say, Theo?

Howard?

I've Read About This In Anthropology.

I've Seen Documentaries

On People Who Practice The Occult.

They Seem Confident.

You Think It Works?

As A Believer In Empiricism, I'm Skeptical.

On The Other Hand

I Don't Want To Say Anything Against These People

For Fear I'll Wake Up One Morning

With My Arms And Legs Reversed.

Hey, Mom, Hey, Dad.

What's Happening?

I Need To Ask Something.

I Was Working On A Project About Unexplained Phenomena.

As A Doctor

Have You Ever Seen Something Happen To Someone

That You Couldn't Explain?

Like What?

A Guy Growing A Donkey Tail

And His Ears Growing So Large They Flop Against His Shoulders.

No, I've Never Seen Anything Like That.

But If You're Talking About A Growth Malady

Generally, These Things Can Be Medically Explained.

But Have You Ever Witnessed Something

That You Could Not Explain Medically?

There Was A Friend Of My Grandmother's

Who Was At The House.

I Was In High School Playing Football.

I Had A Blow That Was Struck To This Muscle Here.

I Could Not Run Or Play.

The Game Was The Next Day.

The Woman Looked At Me And Said

"Go Upstairs

"Bring Down The Camphorated Oil

"The Sock You're Going To Wear

And A Copper Penny."

I Brought It Down.

She Poured The Camphorated Oil Over The Sock

Did A Swipe Like That, Put The Penny On It

Wrapped The Sock Around It.

So, I Went To Sleep

And The Pain Was Gone.

Camphorated Oil And A Penny.

I Knew This Woman Named Mrs. Minerva.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Mrs. Minerva's Husband Was Dead.

She Used To Tip Around The Graveyard In Her Slippers

So She Wouldn't Wake Up The People She Didn't Know.

Every Night Mrs. Minerva Could Be Found

Tipping Around The Graveyard In Her Slippers Saying--

"Elbert?

"Elbert?

It's Me-- Clara."

I Don't Know Why, But At That Very Moment...

The Wind Would Start To Blow.

Did Elbert Come Back?

No, He Was Dead.

You Could Not Roller Skate Past Her House.

That's Right.

And Ronald Brown-- Remember Him?

Clair: Yes, Yes.

Ronald Went Roller Skating Past

And Ronald Could Skate.

As Soon As He Hit Where Her House Was

Bam, He Hit The Ground!

We Said, "Uh-Huh, She's Got You."

So That's...

Why Would He Come Down And Ask Us Something And Then..?

That's Why These Children Don't Learn Anything.

Now, Mrs. Clark, If You Do What I Say

Your Husband Will Come Back To You Within Six Months.

I Guarantee My Results

Or You Get Your Money Back.

I've Been At This Location For 27 Years

So I'm Not Going Anywhere.

And No One Asked Me To.

Good-Bye.

( Knocking )

Come In.

Dr. Lotus?

Yes, I'm Dr. Lotus.

Do You Gentlemen Seek My Assistance?

I Do.

We're Just His Friends.

Well, Make Yourselves Comfortable.

Don't Touch That!

Yes, Sir.

No Problem.

Just Be Careful.

There Are Powerful Objects In Here.

I See That.

What's This?

Oh, Money Elixir.

Say You Need Money.

You Sprinkle This On The Shoes Of The Man You Want Money From

And He Will Give It To You.

Wait, Wait, Wait.

Does This Actually Work?

I Have Documented Proof, If You'd Like.

Don't Need It.

Hey, Doc, What's This?

Locator Powder.

If You Lose Something

You Sprinkle This On The Spot Where You Usually Keep It

And Within Two Weeks You Will Find It.

I Sell A Lot Of This

To Old People Who Can't Find Their Glasses.

What Does This Do?

This Is The Stand I Put The Powder On.

So, Young Man, What Can I Do To Help You?

I Have A Problem.

Of What Nature?

Love?

Legal?

Money?

Do You Have A Disease?

No, I Don't Have A Disease.

But There's This Guy, Scott

And He's Trying To Bird-Dog My Girlfriend.

You Know, Move In On Her?

We Want You To Fix This Guy.

What Do You Want Me To Do To Him?

Make His Arms Turn Into Lobster Claws.

Denny: Then You Could

Make A Tree Grow Out Of His Neck.

Then Make His Hair Catch On Fire.

So You'd Like Something Painful.

That's Right.

Perhaps Even Copious Amounts Of Blood.

All Right.

Sorry, I Don't Hurt People.

Really? You Should Have Said That In The Ad.

So How Are You Going To Help Theo?

I Don't Have To Harm The Gentleman.

It Seems To Me What Is Required Here

Is Something To Make Scott Go Away.

What Do You Mean?

I Mean, Send Him To Another State--

Perhaps Even Another Country.

You Can Really Do That?

Most Certainly.

I Have Documented Proof.

How Do You Do It?

I Take This Chicken Foot And Cover It With Vinegar.

Then I Write Scott's Name Backwards On Sheep Parchment.

I Burn The Sheep Parchment

And Sprinkle The Ashes Over The Chicken Foot.

And Scott Will Go Away And He Will Know Why.

Perfect.

And The Cost Of This Service Is $800.

$800?

That's The Cost.

I Guarantee My Results Or Your Money Back.

I've Been At This Location For 27 Years

So I'm Not Going Anywhere.

And No One's Asked Me To.

I Know How To Get The Money.

The Money Elixir You Sprinkle On People's Shoes--

How Much Does That Cost?

$250.

$250 For The Money Elixir.

$800 To Make Scott Go Away.

This Spiritual Stuff Is Expensive.

Your Looking At 27 Years Experience

Same Location.

I'm Not Going Anywhere.

And No One's Asked Me To.

Well, I Don't Have $800.

But What Do You Think You Could Do To Scott For $25?

$25.

I Could Give Him A Runny Nose.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

I Need To Ask You A Question, Dad.

Talk To Me, My Son.

I Don't Usually Come To You For Money

But This One Is Important.

How Much?

I Need $800.

What For?

I Just Need It.

How Long Have You

Known Me?

What I'm Saying Is, When Have You Known Me

To Just Shell Out $800 For Something

That I Know Nothing About?

Just Give You $800.

You Won't Give It To Me?

Absolutely Not.

I Understand If You Don't Want To Give Me The $800.

But I Can Get What I Need For Just $250.

No.

But, Dad, I Need The Money, Please.

I Want You To Tell Me What This Is All About.

What Is It For?

I Can't Tell You.

What Do You Mean You Can't Tell Me?

You Want $250, Right?

Is It For A Surprise Party..?

It Can't Be.

You Wouldn't Spend That Much On Me.

No, There's This Guy Who's After Justine.

They've Been To The Cafe Together.

They've Been To The Library Together.

Studied From The Same Book.

They've Been To The Movies Together.

I Don't Want Him Around.

You Can Buy The Guy Off?

No, But For $800, Dr. Lotus Can Make Sure He Goes Away.

Dr. Lotus?

Dr. Lotus Is A Specialist In Spiritual Sciences.

For $800, He'll Take A Chicken's Foot

Pour Vinegar On It

Sprinkle Burnt Stuff All Over It

And Scott Will Go Away From Justine.

Better Yet, He Will Even Know Why.

I Know Exactly What You're Talking About.

When I Dated Your Mother

There Was A Guy Who Kept Hitting On Your Mother.

I Went To The Guy And Said, "Look, Man, Leave Her Alone.

"I'm Dating Her.

We Are Serious."

The Guy Says, "This Is A Free World.

I Can Do What I Want."

I Said, "You Can Do What You Want

But You Won't Be Able To See."

And So I Told My Great-Grandfather About It

And My Great-Grandfather Took Me Into The Kitchen

Just Like We're In Now.

I'm Telling You What He Did Worked.

You Want To Try It?

Sure.

Okay.

Pay Attention.

Here We Go.

And These Things Are Very, Very Simple.

They're All Right Here.

And It's Going To Work

I'm Telling You.

And I Did Exactly What My Grandfather Said

And The Guy...

Bingo!

Success.

Take Your Coat Off.

Okay.

You're Sure This Works?

Am I Not Married To Your Mother?

Okay.

Just Put Your Hands Out Like This.

Now, This Is Exactly...

Exactly The Way It Happened.

There We Go.

One, Two, Three.

There You Go.

Now, Just Fold Them And Put Them Together

Because I've Got To Read These...

Yeah!

This Is It.

Is It Working?

Yeah, Yeah.

Open It Up.

Open It, Open It.

There You Go.

Now Turn It...

Just Hold Them Like That.

I'm Reading Them.

Reading The Beans.

Ah, Yeah.

All Right, Now Put Your Face Right Over The Bowl.

Face Right Over The Bowl.

Now, Hold Still.

There You Go.

Ah, Yeah.

Bring It On Down That Way.

Hold It Like That.

All Right.

Here We Go.

All Right, Now Hold Tight.

Hold Tight.

Dad, Is This Working?

It's Working.

The Beans-- I'm Reading Them.

The Beans Say

You Must Say The Following Thing...

Three Times.

"I Will Pay More Attention To My Woman."

I Will Pay More Attention

To My Woman.

I Will Pay

More Attention To...

My Woman.

I Will Pay More Attention...

( Laughing )

Okay, Dad.

I Got It.

Dad?

Dad?

Okay, Dad.

Hi, Justine?

Yeah, This Is Theo.

Uh...You Mind If I Come Over And Talk To You?

All Right, I'll Need About Half An Hour To Clean Up.