Original subtitles

How You Doing, Homie?

Hi, Dad.

How's Everything?

Good.

Take A Look...

What Is This?

That's For My Video Party.

We're Not Having Kids Eating All That Sugar.

It Kicks In And Turns Them Into Human Pinballs.

They Run Around And Vandalize My House.

Take It Back And Bring Some Fruit Out Here.

Okay. What Did You Rent?

Oooh, Wow!

Take A Look.

Check It Out.

You Got Some Old Favorites There.

Old Yeller Again?

It Gets Better, Dear, The More You See It.

Don't You Like The Part Where He Goes "Aah-Oooo"?

Dad, My Friends Like Movies That Are More Hip.

Hip Movies.

Like What, Dear?

Porky's, Porky's 2, Porky's Revenge.

Those Movies Are R-Rated.

How Did You Find Out About Them?

Theo And His Friends Saw It And Talked About It.

Kim And Her Sister Saw It And Said It Was Hilarious.

Let Me Tell You Something.

Your Mother And I Do Not Want Our Nine-Year-Old Daughter

Seeing Movies With That Kind Of Language.

Okay?

Dad, Let Me Explain Something.

Don't Explain.

I Don't Want...

Nine-Year-Olds Today Aren't Like When You Were Nine.

Corny Things Were In Then.

Like Stories About Dogs... Ah-Ooo!

It's A New Age, Dad.

Get With It.

Here We Go.

You Guys Ready For The Videos I Brought For You To See?

Did You Get Friday The 13th

Or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

We're Not Having That.

We're Going To See Movies With Chills And Suspense.

Uh-Oh.

That's What He Says Every Time He Shows

Old Yeller And Treasure Island.

Old Yeller Dies At The End.

Then Dr. Huxtable Cries.

Dr. Huxtable, Since You Like Dog Stories

Have You Seen The Hound Of The Damned?

That Dog Is Better Than Old Yeller.

His Eyes Are Red And He Speaks Latin

And He Only Likes Human Blood.

Yeah!

You People Are Sick.

You're Going To Watch

Old Yeller And Long John Silver

And You're Going To Like It.

I Don't Even Want To Stay In The Same Room With You People.

I'll Put Treasure Island In The Vcr.

Rudy, Wait.

I Have Something Even Better.

The Gross-Out Gang.

What's The Gross-Out Gang?

You'll Love Them.

One Of Them Is Called Grimy Jerry.

He Picks His Nose And Wipes It On People.

Eww!

That Sounds Great.

Let's Watch It.

I'm Not Allowed To Watch That Tape.

When It Was In The Theaters, I Couldn't See It.

Your Dad's Downstairs And Your Mom's At Work.

There's Nobody Here To Catch Us.

Almost Everyone Has Seen It.

You Haveto See It.

Well... Okay.

I Set It At The Good Part.

(Belching)

Belching Billy: I Shouldn't Have Eaten Those Last Nine Hot Dogs.

Sloppy Sally: Look What's Coming Out Of Grimy's Nose.

What's That Smell?

Grimy Jerry: It's That Liverwurst Sandwich In Belching Billy's Pocket.

It's Been There For Two Weeks.

Belching Billy: I Just Don't Eat The Green Parts.

Where Did This Come From?

Hey, How Was The Party?

I Came Through This Door

And All The Children Were Sitting Here Watching

The Gross-Out Gang Movie.

Those Weird-Looking Kids That Belch And Throw Snot On People.

I Told You I Didn't Want You Watching That Movie.

But, Dad, People's Bodies Make Noise.

It's A Part Of Life.

I'm Going To Meet Jeremy.

I'll Be Back At 10:00.

You Finished Your Homework?

Yes.

I'll See You Later.

Bye, Rudy.

Vanessa Gets To Do Whatever She Wants.

Going Out On A School Night.

Vanessa Is 15.

When You're 15, You Can Do That, Too.

I Want To Do That Now

When I'm Nine.

Go Upstairs And Do Your Homework.

I'll Check On You At 9:30.

Be Ready For Bed.

9:30.

Why Can't I Stay Up Past 9:30?

They Say It's A Free World, Ha!

It's A Free Nothing.

It's Free Because We Pay For It.

Want Some Tea?

Thank You.

You Know, Cliff

Rudy Might Not Be Entirely Off The Mark.

Maybe We Should Reconsider Some Of Our Rules.

Every Night Rudy Goes To Bed At 9:30.

Why 9:30?

Because The Children Before Her Went To Bed At 9:30.

My Mother Made Me

Go To Bed At 9:30.

I Could Stay Up Till 10:00 And I Turned Out Okay.

You Talking About My Mother?

But You Have To Admit

Our Rules Do Not Give Us Perfect Children.

Sondra Dropped Out Of Law School.

Denise Is In The Jungle.

Theo Cannot Get Into The Dorm

And Vanessa Lies And Stays Out Necking In The Woods.

That Has Nothing To Do With 9:30.

If We Set Rules, They Should Be Followed.

It's Because We Know Better... I Think.

I'll Give You An Example.

There Was A Man Named Mr. Ike.

Mr. Ike Had A Tv Set.

He Liked To Watch The Fights On Wednesday Nights.

I Was About Ten Years Old.

I'd Go Over To His House To Watch The Fights.

Mr. Ike Chewed Tobacco.

It Looked Good.

I Said, "Mr. Ike, Can I Have Some?"

He Said, "No, You Can't."

"Why?"

"You're Too Little And It's Not Good For You."

I Kept Bothering Mr. Ike.

Finally I Said, "Please, I Know How To Do It.

Please Let Me Do It."

So Mr. Ike Looked Around, Gave Me A Little Bit.

I Put It In My Mouth And Had It Just Like Mr. Ike.

I'm Sitting There, And This Stuff Is Burning.

"It's The Best Time I've Ever Had, Mr. Ike."

The Next Thing I Knew, A Half Hour Into The Fight

Something Said

"What Did You Do With That Last Mouthful Of Juice?"

I Couldn't Remember What I Had Done With It.

My Stomach Knew Where It Was.

All Over The Place.

Old People Know Better, I'm Telling You.

Rudy, What Are You Doing Up?

You Should Be In Bed.

You Always Say Whenever Something's Wrong

We Can Talk To You.

What Is It?

I Have A List Of Things

I Know I Can Do

But You Won't Let Me Because I'm Nine.

I Don't Think It's Fair.

What?

I Have To Be In Bed At 9:30.

That Is Not Fair.

Sometimes I Am Not Sleepy At 9:30.

I Have To Wear Whatever You Tell Me To.

I Cannot Pick Out My Own Clothes.

My Lunch:

Sometimes I Do Not Like What You Make

And I Get In Trouble

If I Don't Eat It.

I'm Not Allowed To See Movies Most Of My Friends Have Seen.

They're Laughing And Having A Good Time

While I'm At Home Waiting To Get Older.

Is That The End?

Yes.

Let Me Have It.

I Am Very Impressed With Your Clarity Of Expression.

Thank You.

She Has Come To Us Thoughtfully And Diplomatically

And We Should Change One Of Those Rules.

Did She Age When She Came Through The Door?

Let's Change Number One.

Cliff: Okay.

You Can Stay Up As Late As You Want.

All Right!

But You Have To Do All Your Homework

Get Yourself Up In The Morning

And You Can't Be Late For School Once.

No Problem.

Okay, We Got A Deal.

Good Night.

Good Night?

I Don't Have To Go To Bed.

No, We're Going To Bed.

Good Night.

That's All Right With Me.

I Think I'll Watch Tv.

The Night Is Young.

Bye.

(Theme Music From The Tonight Show)

From Hollywood, The Tonight Show

Starring Johnny Carson.

This Is Ed Mcmahon, Along With Doc Severinsen

And The Nbc Orchestra

Inviting You To Join Johnny And His Guests, Don Rickles

From The San Diego Zoo, Joan Embry, Comedian Bob Nelson

And The Mighty Carson Art Players.

Ladies And Gentlemen

Heeeeere's Johnny.

There's Something On Called The Tonight Show.

You Know That Guy From Star Search?

He's On It.

Is She Allowed To Stay Up This Late?

What Are You Doing?

I'm Allowed To Stay Up Now.

You Better Get Upstairs

Before Mom And Dad See You.

I Asked Mom And Dad To Change The Rule.

I Can Stay Up Now.

Theo, You're Wrong About Your Parents.

They Sound Very Progressive.

Why Don't You Join Me?

We Can't. We Have To Study.

My Homework's Done.

I'll Stay Here.

For How Long?

I Don't Know.

They Always Said That The Last Child

Gets Away With The Most.

I Guess They're Right.

Look At You.

Yes!

Let's Get Those Accounts When We Get The Preacher.

Yeah.

Only This Time, No Mistakes.

I'm Taking Care Of This Job Myself.

Listen, Mack, I Don't Care How You Handle Sullivan

But It's Got To Look Like An Accident

With That Priest.

Leave That To Me.

(Gunshots)

No, No, I'll Do Anything.

No, You Won't.

Rudy? Rudy?

Hmm.

All Right, Come On.

Let's Go.

We're Going To School.

Get Up.

I Don't Want To Get Up.

No, You Are Going To Get Up.

I Have A Stomach Ache.

I Don't Want To Get Up.

I Saw All That Food You Ate.

You Should Not Only Have A Stomachache

But Smell Like The Gross-Out Children.

Daddy, Leave Me Alone.

I Want To Stay In Bed.

I'll Take You To The Hospital.

I Don't Want To Go To The Hospital.

Then You Have To Get Up.

Please, Daddy.

No "Please, Daddy".

Why Are You Being So Mean?

I Have A Stomachache.

You're Going To Put Your Clothes On

And Get Ready To Go...

Oh, No, No, Ma'am.

You Heard The Tune

Now You Got To Pay The Piper.

Here We Go, Up And Away.

Put These Clothes On.

I Don't Want To Wear That.

Then Pick Out What You Want To Wear

Come Downstairs, Make Your Lunch--

Bingo! You're Off To School.

Did You Have A Good Time, That's The Question.

No Fair.

I Beg Your Pardon?

Come On, Get Up.

Bring These Clothes With You.

You're Going To Take A Shower

And Don't Yawn, You Might Drown.

(Dog Howling)

(Phone Ringing)

Hello.

Yes, Mrs. Cutler.

How Are You?

Rudy's Been Listless And Cranky.

I'm Not Surprised About That Because Mrs. Huxtable And I

Have Been Having An Experiment With The Rules With Her

And We Let Her Stay Up For A Couple Of Days.

From What I Saw This Morning, She's Not Far From The Fall.

Okay.

Thank You.

Bye-Bye.

Hi, Dad.

Heeeeere's Rudy.

How You Feeling?

Never Felt Better.

Not Tired, Huh?

Me? No.

I Love My New Freedom.

How Was Everything In School Today?

Fabulous.

I Was Even Smarter Than Usual.

I Think It's From Staying Up.

Your Teacher Must Have Been Happy.

Yep, And The Kids Were Cracking Up

With Jokes From The Tonight Show

That They Hadn't Heard 'Cause They Were In Bed.

Those Hockey Pucks.

So You're Looking Forward To Tonight, Huh?

You Better Believe It.

I Have Good News For You.

I Go Into Work Late Tomorrow, So I'll Join You.

We'll Watch The Tonight Show

And Then At 2:30, There's An Old

Black-And-White James Cagney Movie On.

We Can Watch It Together.

Okay, But First I Have To Do My Homework.

There You Go.

I'll Be Right Back, After These Messages.

Hi-Yo! Hi-Yo!

(Humming Theme From The Tonight Show)

(Dog Howling)

Come On.

Wake Up, Wake Up.

Got To Hit The Homework, The Big "H."

Yeah.

(Knocking)

Hey!

What?

Don't You Know How To Knock?

I'm Sorry.

I Wanted To Tell You

How Impressed I Am.

What Do You Mean?

When I Was Your Age

I Could Never Find A Way To Stay Up.

You Gave Mom And Dad A List

And They Changed It.

What Are You Really Doing In Here?

You're Making Fun Of Me.

No, I'm Really Proud Of You.

I Don't Believe It.

You Came In Here To Laugh At Me Because I'm Tired.

What's Wrong With You?

Don't Play Dumb With Me.

I Know What You're Doing.

The Whole Family's Setting Me Up To Fail.

Kenny Said You're Trying To Teach Me A Lesson.

You Don't Think I Can Stay Up.

I'm On To You, Sister.

You're The Ones

That Will Look Like Fools, See

When I Pull This Off.

You Know What Your Problem Is?

You've Been Staying Up

Watching Too Many Gangster Movies.

I'll Watch What I Want, When I Want.

You Palookas Can't Stop Me.

I've Been In Tougher Fixes.

Take Your Phony Smile And Hit The Bricks.

Hit The Bricks?

Yeah, Scram, Baby.

They're Not Going To Take Me Alive, Yeah.

All Right.

A Lovely Snack For Two.

Rudy's Been Quiet For Three Hours.

Do You Think She's Going To Watch Television With You?

No, But I Promised Her

That I Would Be Here, And I Shall.

I Hope She Doesn't Make It

Because Frankly, She Needs The Rest.

And I Could Enjoy Some Time Alone With You.

With Nothing

But The Flickering Light Of The Television

To Illuminate Us.

Hi, Here I Am.

No One's Going To Tell Me

I Can't Stay Up.

You Really Want To Do This?

Mm-Hmm.

Make Room On The Couch.

I Had Something Going

Till You Came Down Here.

You Can Go To Your Room.

I'll Leave You Two.

Good Night.

Good Night, Honey.

Flip On The Tube.

We're Going To Miss Johnny's Monologue.

What?

Put The Tube On.

I'm Almost Sick Of You.

This Is Ed Mcmahon, Along With Doc Severinsen

And The Nbc Orchestra

Inviting You To Join Johnny And His Guests

Robert Klein, Blair Brown

And Seven-Year-Old California Commissioner

Teddy Andrews.

And Now, Ladies And Gentlemen, Heeeere's Johnny.

Hi-Yo!