Original subtitles

I Had A Hard Day.

Tell Me.

Today

I Tried A Case Before Judge Gurvins

Who Notoriously Gives Female Attorneys A Hard Time.

So Every Time I Make An Objection

He Overrules It.

He Did What?

Overrules Every Objection I Make.

When I Get To My Final Argument

The Man Says, "Could You Please Keep It Brief, Miss Huxtable?"

I'd Like To Jerk A Knot In His Robe.

That's Bad

But It's Not As Bad As What Happened To Me Today.

What Happened?

I Went To The Hospital.

I Was In The Elevator.

A Pregnant Woman Got On The Elevator.

The Elevator Broke Down.

All The Lights Went Out.

Then The Woman Went Into Labor.

I Had To Deliver The Baby And It Wasn't Even My Patient.

Then I Went Upstairs And Delivered Two More.

That's Still Not As Bad As My Day.

When I Went To Leave

My Car Was Blocked In By Another Car

So I Wait An Hour For The Owner To Show Up.

It's Judge Gurvins.

Let Me Tell You.

I Come Out Of The Hospital, Go To Get My Car

And The Three Babies That I Delivered

Stole My Car.

So I Had To Run Five Miles.

Five Miles.

I Caught Up With Them At The Light.

So They're Sitting In There Smoking Cigarettes.

I Say, "Give Me My Car."

They Said, "Is This Your Car?"

I Said, "Yeah."

They Said, "Get In."

I Got In, And One Of Them Pulled Out A Gun.

I'm So Glad We're Going To The Poconos.

Do Me A Favor.

Say Yes, Because I Want To Leave Now.

We Don't Have To Wait Till Tonight.

Yes.

Hi.

Take A Good Look At Us

Because We're Going To The Poconos Now.

What About Dinner?

I Have Some Money Here For You.

Buy Your Own Food.

There's Also Some Money

In Case You Have An Emergency

Of Which I Want A Receipt When You Get To The Emergency Room.

Thanks, Dad.

Burgers And Pizza All Weekend.

Go Ahead, Ruin Yourself.

Let's Go On Out Where Nature Is Surrounding Us.

Going To Stay In The Cabin And Discover Nature.

Whoo!

Yo, Theo.

Hey, What's Up?

I Thought You Ate Dinner At Home.

My Parents Took A Trip.

So You're Stuck Baby-Sitting Your Sisters.

No, Vanessa Went To Janet's.

Rudy's At My Grandparents' With Kenny.

You Have The House To Yourself.

I Have One Thing To Say:

Par-Tee!

A Party At Theo's.

Lovely Suggestion.

I Didn't Say Anything To My Parents

About Having A Party.

You're Mired In Semantics.

This Should Not Be Described As A Party

But More Like A Colloquy--

A Gathering Of Friends To Exchange Ideas And Merriment.

With Chicks.

How Big A Party Are We Talking?

Us Three And Our Dates.

All Right.

Collo-Kwee.

Hey, Denny.

How's It Going, Lou?

So Good It's A Crime.

Did You Remember Tonight?

Tonight?

You And Sylvia

Are Going Bowling With Me And Rita.

I'm Invited To A Party.

Can I Come?

Theo.

Can Lou And Rita Come To The Party Tonight?

Yeah, Sure.

Great.

Rita Hates Bowling Anyway.

What Time Are The Festivities?

Seven O'clock.

Seven O'clock. It's A Lock.

Later, Boys.

I Hope That Was Okay.

That's It, Denny.

No More People.

Absolutely.

Why Don't You Go Home And Get Your Place Ready.

I'll Pick Up Justine For You.

All Right, Great.

Fellas, 7:00 Tonight, It's Colloquy Time.

( Chanting: ) Colloquy. Colloquy.

♪ My Folks Are Out Of Town ♪

♪ There's A Party Goin' Down ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Theo With A "T" ♪

♪ But You Can Call Me The ♪

♪ And My Friends Tend To Call Me Mr. Party ♪

♪ My Folks Are Gone And Guess What? ♪

♪ There's A Party Goin' On ♪

What's Happening, Homey?

Dad!

You Were Supposed To Be Gone An Hour Ago.

We're Just Waiting For Kenny.

Then We're Taking Him And Rudy Over To Grandpa's.

Is He Coming Soon?

Any Minute.

I'm Getting The Bags.

( Doorbell )

Hey, Kenny, What's Up?

Don't Take Your Coat Off.

Dad, Kenny's Here.

Got The House To Yourself This Weekend.

Yep.

Bachelor Pad.

What's That Supposed To Mean?

You're Alone In The House.

Do I Have To Spell It Out?

Hi, Kenny. Hey, Rudy.

I Bet You Can't Wait To Get Going.

That's Right.

Let's Move It.

Oh, I've Got To Water The Plants.

I'll Take Care Of It.

Don't Over-Water Them.

I Won't.

See You Later.

Send Me A Postcard.

Ah.

What's Wrong?

You're Going Out In The Wilderness.

Mom Says She Likes It When You Have Stubble.

You're Right.

She Calls Me "Mountain Man."

Have A Good Weekend, Dad.

Yeah, Yeah.

Drive Safely.

Yes, Sir.

( Doorbell )

Quick. My Parents Are Pulling Out Of The Driveway.

This Is So Great.

Come On, Let's Take This To The Kitchen.

Howard, Come Here.

Where's Justine?

I Thought You Picked Her Up.

She Has A Bad Flu.

Why Didn't She Call Me?

She Was Afraid Your Parents Would Answer

And Figure Out What's Going On Tonight.

I Don't Have A Date To My Own Party.

Think Again, Desperado.

Do You Know That Lovely Young Creature Named Mona

Who Goes To Columbia?

The Cello Player?

The Very One.

Her Boyfriend Is Out Of Town

And Guess Who Invited Her Here Tonight?

Howard, You Dog.

Woof, Woof.

( Doorbell )

Oh, It's Her!

Hi, Theo.

Mona... Glad You Could Make It.

Me, Too.

I Didn't Have Anything To Do Tonight.

All That's About To Change.

Welcome To My Humble Abode.

Wait. Dan's Parking The Car.

Yo, What's Happening?

You're Dan?

Yeah, Denver Was Snowed In, So They Cancelled My Flight.

Yo, Lenny, Dina! In Here!

Lenny And Dina?

Friends Of Ours.

Can They Come In?

If It's Not Okay, We'll Understand.

Why Not?

Lenny, Dina, This Is Our Host.

Where's The Food?

In The Kitchen.

Chow Time.

Here I Am.

The Party Can Begin.

Hey, Lou.

This Is Rita, My Main Squeeze.

She Loves It When I Say That.

Where Is Everybody?

I Thought This Was A Party.

Kitchen.

I Can Get Them Out Here.

( Dance Music )

Ow!

Hit It, Mama.

Yo, What's Up, Lou?

What's Happening?

Have A Good One.

Okay.

Is Everybody Ready To Play "Gold Mine"?

Yeah.

It's My Favorite.

I Feel Myself Mining Those Gold Nuggets Now.

We Need To Pick Partners.

Rudy, Why Don't You And I Be Partners.

Okay.

That Means We're Partners, Kenny.

It's The Men Against The Women.

We're Going To Tear You Up.

The Women Are Going To Stomp On Your Head.

Whoa, This Is Not Men Against Women.

This Is A Friendly Game Of People Versus People.

But The Men People Going To Make You Look Bad.

Let's Roll To See Who Goes First.

Yes, Eleven!

Let's See You Beat That, Bud.

Twelve.

Boxcars, We Go First.

They're Just Lucky.

That Was Not Luck.

That Was Skill.

Collect 500 Gold Nuggets.

Our Opponents Are In For A Long, Losing Night.

Don't Bet On It, Bud.

( Music Blaring )

This Is Supposed To Be A Small Party.

What Happened?

I Have No Idea.

I'm As Surprised As You.

If My Parents Find Out About This...

Theo: Who's That?

Her Name Is Amy.

Goes To Hunter College.

She's Been Eyeing You All Night.

She Has?

She Knows You're The Host.

She Wants To Be With The Action.

I Can't Disappoint A Guest, Right?

I Guess Not.

Excuse Me, Hi.

I Hear You Go To Hunter.

Yes, I Do.

You Got Ketchup For The Steaks?

Nobody's Supposed To Be Eating Steaks.

What's Going On Here?

Where Did You Get These Steaks?

Out Of The Freezer.

Who Are You?

I'm Ken.

Hank Said To Come Over.

Who's Hank?

I Don't Know Hank.

Candy Knows Hank.

( Crashing Noise )

Excuse Me.

Watch Out.

Excuse Me.

What Happened Over Here?

The Table Broke.

I Was Just Dancing On It.

You Were Dancing On It?

I Needed Room.

This Is Terrible.

Hey, Don't Worry About It, Man.

I'm Not Going To Sue You.

Look At This Table.

Look At It.

It's Destroyed.

Theo, What's Done Is Done.

You Have Two Options.

You Can Wallow In The Tragedy

Or Accept It And Get On With What's Going On

Which Is A Fabulous Party.

You Know, He's Right.

And There's A Lovely Guest Who Wants To Share Your Party.

Oh, Yeah, I Forgot.

Excuse Me.

So Are You Enjoying The Party?

Yeah.

( Music Blares Loudly )

I Know A Quiet Place Where We Can Talk.

I'd Like That.

Okay, Come On.

Excuse Me.

Excuse Us.

Hey, Theo.

What's Up?

Boogie, Oogie, Woogie!

Yeah, Right.

How Did You Guys

Get In Here?

This Door Was Locked.

Someone Picked The Lock.

It's Domestic.

The Imported Is In The Bathtub.

You Put Beer In The Bathtub?

What Are You Doing In Here?

Get Out Of Here.

Take This Beer With You.

Get Out Of Here.

All Right, Everybody Out.

Get Out Of Here.

Get Out Of This Room.

Get Out Of This House.

This Is The Last Time We Come To A Party Here.

This Guy Is Too Uptight.

Look, I'm Really Sorry About All These Distractions.

( Knocking )

Get Out Of Here.

Now.

Move It.

I'm Really Sorry About All Of This.

I Don't Understand Some People.

You Know

You've Got Beautiful Eyes.

Theo! Code Nine, Basement.

Somebody's Stuck In The Washing Machine.

It's Serious, Man.

I'll Be Right Back.

Okay.

That's It.

Everybody's Out Of The House.

Wait A Minute.

Where's Amy?

She Left.

I Didn't Get To Be With Her.

She Knows Where You Live.

Come On, Let's Start Cleaning This Mess Up.

I Think We Should Start In The Living Room.

That's What Needs The Most Work.

I'm Dead.

Ah, Nature.

Yes, Nature Is A Beautiful Thing.

And I'm Going Back

And Get Some More Of That Nature.

What Do You Know, Poconos?

I Just Killed The Table.

Ah, You Guys Are Home Early.

I Want To Talk To You About This Table.

Let's Do Talk About This Table.

Last Night We Had A Party.

It Got A Little Out Of Hand.

It Wasn't All Theo's Fault.

It Was Originally Intended For Six People

But Due To Circumstances Beyond Our Control

The Party Swelled To Approximately 200.

Some Things Got Damaged.

We Cleaned The House As Best We Could

And Fixed What We Could Fix.

A Little Better Than You Fixed This Table, I Hope.

Put It On The List, Howard.

What Is The List?

A List Of Things We Couldn't Repair.

You Guys Can Go.

This Is Disgraceful.

Mom, I Was Really Honest About What Happened.

Honest About What, Son?

I Mean, Did You Have A Choice?

I Could Have Not Been Honest.

I Could Have Gone Away.

Gone Away?

I Could Have Got Some Clothes And Gone Away.

I Seriously Considered That.

Yeah, That's It.

That's Exactly It.

Away.

Yeah, Come On.

Let's Go.

Where Are We Going?

Away.

Yeah, But...

I'm Driving You, Son.

That's Where You're Going-- Away.

You Don't Need Anything Else.

This Is All You Need.

Here We Go.

Hi, Theo.

Amy.

I Can't Talk Now.

I'm Going Away.

They've Been Gone A Long Time.

Yeah.

Where Did He Take Him?

Jail.

Hi, Dad.

Hey.

Where's Theo?

Away.

And?

And What?

And Where Is He?

He's Away.

He's Going To Be Away Every Morning.

I Took Him Over

To Mrs. Jackson's Holy Mission For The Homeless.

And I Explained To Her That I Had A Wonderful Son

Who Loved To Throw Parties And Serve The People.

And I Said, "Don't You Have Something For Him To Do?"

And She Said, "Yes, Of Course."

And So From 5:30 To 6:30

Our Son Is Chopping Vegetables

For The Homeless

And Serving Them.

I Know He Has A Problem Getting Up At That Hour

But I Asked Her Son, Charlie

Who Is 6'4", 250 Pounds

To Come By My House

Go Up To The Bedroom

Pick The Boy Up By The Face

And Take Him Down And Put Him Into The Car.

That's Where You Took Him.

That Was The Second Place.

The First Place I Took Him Was To The Army Recruiter.

I Was Dead Serious About It, Clair.

He Sat In The Car.

"Dad, Where Are You Taking Me?"

I Said, "I'm Putting Your You-Know-What In The Army."

There Was A Line.

I Didn't Know That Many Parents

Were Taking Their Children Down

To Put Them In The Service.

But There Were 50 Parents With 50 Kids.

Boys And Girls, Mind You.

Some Of Them Had The Kid By The Neck.

One Lady Had A Rope Around The Boy's Neck.

Another Father Had His Hand In His Pocket Like This

He Said, "You Move And This Is The Last..."

So We're Standing There

And After About Seven People Went In And Came Out

The Army Recruiter Came Outside With A Bullhorn

And The Man Said, "Listen To Me.

"All You Parents Who Have Brought Your Little Kids Here

"To Be Put Into The Service

"Because Your Kid Ran Up Money Over The Weekend

"On The Credit Card

"Or Because Your Kid Made Somebody Pregnant

"Or Because Your Kid Gave A Party

"And Wrecked The House--

Get Out Of Line."

The United States Of America

Is A Wonderful Place

But They Don't Have Anything

Where You Can Get Rid Of Your Kid.

No, Don't Do That.

That's How We Got The Five We Have.