Original subtitles

He's So Cute.

Are All Hamsters That Cute?

No. I Think Darren's The Cutest.

Can I Hold Him Again?

Sure.

Climb, Darren, Climb.

I Can't Take Him To Grandma's.

Why Not?

She Has Allergies.

Big Red Bumps Blotch Out All Over Her Face.

Oh, You Little Chubby, Little Cute, Little Thing.

Could I Leave Darren Here Until Tomorrow?

I Doubt It.

Dad Doesn't Like Animals In The House.

He Blotches Out?

Let Me Ask Him.

I Can Be Very Convincing.

Go Ahead And Try.

Carolyn, It's 5:Oo.

When Is Your...

Where's That Animal?

Where Is He?

I Have Him Here.

All Right.

Uh, Dr. Huxtable...

Yes.

Can I Ask A Question?

Why Do You Hate Animals?

I Don't Hate Animals.

Who Told You That I Hate Animals?

I'd Rather Not Reveal My Sources.

Dad, You Never Let Us Have Animals.

I Love Animals.

That's Why I Don't Want Them In This House.

Goldfish In This House Float At The Top Of The Bowl.

Because Children Who Live Here Keep Feeding And Feeding Them.

Then I Come Home, And I See The Goldfish.

But, Dad, I Was Only A Little Kid Then.

Can Darren Spend The Night?

It's Only For One Night.

Please, Dr. Huxtable?

Darren Doesn't Need Anything.

He Has Food And Water In His Cage Already.

He's Child-Proof.

Please, Daddy, Please?

Please, Dr. Huxtable?

He'll Be Awful Lonely All By Himself At My House.

Aw, No, No.

You Guys Are The Worst.

Okay, Twenty-Four Hours, But After That

I'm Shutting The Doors On Huxtable Hamster Hotel.

Yes! Yes!

Ahh.

Dad, You Are So Unfair.

What Are You Talking About?

I Was In Rudy's Room.

I Saw The Hamster.

You Never Let Me Have A Pet.

Now You Go Behind My Back And Do This.

Go Behind Your Back?

I Don't Have To Go Behind Your Back.

I'll Do Something In Front Of Your Back.

That Is Not Rudy's Pet.

She's Hamster-Sitting.

Hey, What's Up?

How Ya Doin'?

Dad Let Rudy Have A Hamster.

I Didn't Let Rudy Have A Hamster!

I Just Finished Telling You That.

What Is The Matter With You?

What Happens When The Hamster Has To Go

And Rudy Cries

About Missing It?

You'll See Her Tears, And You'll Cave In.

I'll Have You Know

I Have A Fine Reputation For Not Caving In.

Your Sister Sondra Wanted A Pony.

I Did Not Cave In.

Denise Wanted A Monkey.

I Did Not Cave In.

You Tried To Get Us To Get A Dog By Using Rudy

And Saying She Wanted One.

I Did Not Cave In, And I'm Not Caving In Now.

So There!

What Made You Heartless Toward Animals?

Uh, Vanessa, I'll Tell You Later.

What Are You Going To Tell Somebody Later?

Dad, I Know What Happened.

Grandpa Told Me All About The Traumatic Experience

You Had As A Kid.

What Traumatic Experience?

See, Vanessa, That's Called Repression.

We Learned About It In Psychology.

Dad's Blocking The Memory Because It Was So Horrible.

Your Pet Bird, Charlie.

Oh, Charlie.

Tell Me.

Charlie.

See, Dad Had This Parakeet.

It Was Not A Parakeet.

It Was A Finch.

I Used To Open The Cage, And He'd Fly Out.

He Would Chirp All Over The Place.

Peep, Peep, Peep, Peep...

One Day I Came Home, And, Uh...

I Was Getting Ready To Put On My Sneakers

And I Sat Down On The Bed...

What Happened?

I Heard A Chirp.

It Was Sort Of Like A Muffled Chirp.

You Killed Charlie?

No, I Didn't Kill Charlie.

I... I Just... Sat On Him.

And From That Point On, I Swear...

Whenever He Would See Me, He Wouldn't Chirp.

I'd Come Down The Hallway

And I'd Hear Him, Chirp, Chirp, Chirping Away.

But As Soon As He Saw Me

He Just Stopped Chirping.

And Then He Would Look At Me Like This:

Good Night, Cliff.

Good Night, My Darling.

There We Go, Right There!

Cliff?

Mm-Hmm?

Your Leg Is Crushing Me.

Oh, Yeah?

Well, Twenty Years Ago, It Wasn't Crushing You.

Twenty Years Ago Your Leg Was A Lot Lighter.

Oh, Yeah?

Well, Twenty Years Ago, You Were, Uh, Were...

Were Not As Beautiful As You Are Now.

Take Your Hands Off Me, Woman.

(Knocking)

Rudy: Mommy, Daddy!

Come In, Honey.

I Think Darren's Sick.

He Is?

He Won't Run On His Wheel.

No, He's Not Sick, Dear, He's Smart.

He Knows That Running Around On That Wheel

He's Not Going Anywhere.

He Sneezed.

I Heard Him.

What Did It Sound Like?

(Imitating Small Sneeze) Kachoo! Kachoo!

Well, This Sounds Serious.

Daddy, Can You Give Him A Checkup?

Of Course He Can, Honey.

What?

I Can't Give That Thing A Checkup.

Yes, You Can, Cliff.

What, Take Him To My Office?

No, Do It Here.

Look After The Hamster Here?

Okay, Fine.

All Right, Dear.

Let Dad Take A Look At It.

Dr. Hamster Huxtable, Here.

Just Put Him There On The Desk.

I'm Sure That We Can Find Something

About This Good, Little, Furry Thing Here.

All Right, Grab Him.

Pull Him Out There.

This Is A Friend Of Yours, Is It, Ma'am?

Take The Cage, Please.

All Right.

What Do You Think Is Wrong With Him?

I Think He's Sick.

Sick? All Right, Cough.

What's The Problem Now?

Let's See Your Teeth.

Say "Ah."

All Right, You Hold On To Him There.

Now, Put Him Up Here.

Heartbeat Sounds Strong.

You Check It Out.

Heartbeat?

Sounds Fine, I Guess.

All Right, Put Him Back.

He Seems To Be Okay.

I Concur.

Good Night, Ma'am.

Good Night.

Thanks, Daddy.

You're Welcome.

Thank You, Mommy.

Good Night, Rudy.

Good Night, Darren.

Darren, Didn't I Tell You

This Is A Great Place To Stay?

Cliff, That Was Sweet Of You

To Examine Darren Like That.

You Are Such A Sensitive, Good And Caring Parent

And A Wonderful Human Being.

Thank You.

Now Can I Put My Leg On You?

Okay.

Ahh...

Okay, That's Enough.

You Hear That?

What?

A Little Hamster Sneeze.

Cliff, You Couldn't Hear A Hamster Sneeze In This Room.

Don't Tell Me That.

I Know A Hamster Sneeze When I Hear One.

You're Feeling Guilty About What You Did To Charlie.

And What Do You Know About Charlie?

Honey, Everybody Knows You Sat On That Bird.

This Is A Cold-Blooded House Around Here, Boy.

(Whispering:) Darren.

Darren, Come Here.

Are You Okay?

Did You Sneeze?

Dad, What's The Matter?

I Thought I Heard Darren Sneeze

And He Sounds A Little Congested.

He Was Breathing Funny Before, But I Didn't Want To Bother You.

You're Not Bothering Me.

I Gave Him A Complete Physical.

What Should We Do?

First Thing Tomorrow, We'll Take Him To The Vet.

He's Sick.

I Knew It.

Carolyn's Going To Hate Me.

Carolyn Won't Hate You.

You Didn't Make Him Sick, Dear.

Can We Take Him To The Vet Now?

Well, Dear, It's 3:00 In The Morning.

He's Sick.

He Needs Help.

Maybe We Can Find An All-Night Clinic.

We'll Take Him.

But This Is An Emergency.

We Should Call The Ambulance.

I Tell You What.

We'll Put Darren In The Car

And While I'm Driving

You Roll Down The Window

Put Your Head Out, And Say

(Imitating Sirens) "Woo, Woo, Woo."

Okay?

Now Here We Go, Move It.

Emergency. Let's Go.

Hello.

We Have A Sick Hamster.

My Daughter's In The Ladies' Room.

She'll Be Out Shortly.

Your Name, Please.

Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

And Your Pet's Name?

It's Darren.

He's A Guest At Our House.

We Didn't Do Anything To Him.

I'll Put Down, "Darren, The Hamster."

Is This An Emergency?

It's 4:00 In The Morning.

It's An Emergency.

Take A Seat, Dr. Huxtable.

Excuse Us.

What's The Matter With The Dog?

He's Depressed.

Before He Could Do Many, Many Tricks.

Sit Up, Sparky.

Stand Up, Boy.

He's Doing It.

He Used To Do That On His Own, Like This.

Just Like That, On His Own.

Come Down. That's A Good Boy.

Jump Off.

He's Afraid Of Heights.

Down, Boy.

Please. That's A Good Boy.

Now, Front Legs...

Back Legs, Down.

Jump Off, Sparky.

Jump Off.

That's A Good Boy.

Mr. Hirondel?

How's Sparky Feeling?

Oh, Doctor, He's Still Very, Very Depressed.

Come With Me, Mr. Hirondel.

Good Night.

Feel Better Now.

He'll Feel Better.

How's Darren?

Oh, Darren Is Just Fine.

Come Here.

Just Wait.

I'll Be Right Back.

Let's Check Your Breathing, Darren.

There's Definitely Congestion.

I Heard Him Sneeze.

Let's Check Darren's Throat.

Your Glands Are Swollen, Sweetheart.

And, Doctor, She's Running A Fever.

She?

It's A She, All Right.

What I'm Concerned About

Is The Possibility Of Pneumonia, Bronchitis

Or Possibly Heart Failure.

We Can't Be Certain Without X-Rays.

X-Ray? Hamster X-Rays?

We Do A Two-Part Series:

Abdomen To Back And Side To Side.

The Cost Is $55.

$55?

Cost Isn't The Issue...

Is That In Addition To The $33 For The Office Visit?

You're Just Back?

Yes.

How's Darren?

Dead.

Died While We Were Waiting For His $55 X-Rays.

Poor Rudy.

She Must Be Devastated.

It's All My Fault.

Don't You Be Silly.

You Did Everything You Could.

I Could Have Taken Him To The Vet Earlier.

Honey, You Didn't Know.

What Do You Mean? I'm A Doctor.

Wait A Minute, The X-Rays Cost $55?

Yes, Indeed.

And I Also Spent $17.50 On Darren #2.

You're Going To Buy Another Hamster

And Try To Pass It Off As Darren?

That's Exactly What I Plan To Do.

Don't Go So Fast; You'll Get Tired.

Dad, This Hamster Is Great.

He's Healthy And Loves To Play.

Right.

Does He Look Like Darren?

Almost Exactly.

Okay.

(Doorbell)

That's Carolyn. I'll Get It.

Okay.

Rudy Darlin'.

Carolyn Darlin'.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi, Carolyn. How Was Your Trip?

Grandma Says I Can Bring Darren Next Time.

That's Not Darren.

I Beg Your Pardon?

Oh, No. Don't Tell Me Darren Died

And You Bought Me A New One.

Darren Got Sick Last Night.

We Took Darren To The Vet.

We Did Everything We Could.

He Didn't Make It.

This Is The Fifth Time

I've Left My Hamster With Somebody And It Died.

You've Had Five Hamsters Die?

You Did What Everyone Did:

Bought Me A New Hamster And Tried To Fake Me Out.

Why Didn't You Say Something?

What Was I Supposed To Say?

You Were Supposed To Say

"Every Time I Leave A Hamster, It Dies

So Don't Buy Me A New One."

Are You Sad?

I Can Handle It.

Everything Has To Go Sometime.

That's How Nature Works.

That's A Very Mature Way To Look At It.

When People Keep Killing Your Hamsters

You Grow Up Pretty Fast.

Nothing!

Son, When I Heard About The Hamster

I Thought Maybe You Had A Heavy Heart

Seeing That Another Animal In Your Care

Fell In Harm's Way.

You Have To Stop Telling Everybody About Charlie.

Son, You Sat On The Bird.

Yeah, Okay.

It's Time You Faced Up To It.

I Have No Problem Facing Up To It.

I Sat On The Bird.

I Also Noticed That The Bird

Had A Chip On His Beak.

That's Not My Fault.

He Didn't Look Like That After I Sat On Him.

There's A Reason That Bird Had A Cracked Beak.

Why?

One Day

Charlie Went Down Into The Basement

And Decided To Take A Nap In A Pile Of Laundry.

Your Mother Didn't See Him

And Put The Whole Pile Of Laundry

Into The Washing Machine.

Mom Washed Charlie?

Only For A Couple Of Minutes.

And Your Mama Heard...

(Knocking Sound)

She Pulled Him Out Just In The Nick Of Time.

So That's How He Chipped His Beak?

No. Your Mother Wanted To Revive Charlie

So She Gave Him An Eye-Dropper Full Of Brandy.

After He Got That

That Bird Started Flying Willy-Nilly Around The Room

And Crashed Into The Wall.

That's What Chipped His Beak.

Now That I Think About It

Whenever He Saw Mom, He Just Went The Other Way.

And He Gave Her The Same Look He Gave Me.

I Brought Something For You.

I Was Looking Through The Family Album

And I Found This Picture Of You And Charlie.

Would You Look At This.

Am I Looking Strong In This Knicker Suit?

Yes, Indeed.

With The Socks Falling Down.

And Look At Charlie.

This Is Before The Sitting.

Thank You, Dad.

I Better Go Upstairs And Talk To Rudy.

She Could Use Some Consoling Now, Too.

Yeah.

Oh, Charlie.

Chirp, Chirp, Chirp, Chirp, Chirp.

Well, You're Dead Now, Though.