Original subtitles

Oh, No, Ooh.

My Favorite Wife Is Home Early.

Goodness Gracious.

Not For Long.

Why?

I Got Go Back To The Office.

I Got A Meeting On The Hayward Case.

This Is The Third Time

You've Had To Work Late On Those Haywards.

I'm Sick Of Them.

Let The Haywards Go To Jail.

No One Goes

To Jail When Defended By Clair Huxtable.

I Have To Lie In That Bed By Myself

Missing My Beautiful Wife.

And I Have To Say: "Where Is My Clair, My Love Quilt?"

I See.

Yes.

You've Never Had To Leave Our Bed To Work?

First Of All, I Say To My Patients

"Please Do Not Go Into Labor Until After 3:00 A.M.

"Then I Can Slip Out Of The Bed

And My Wife Will Not Miss Me."

A Bold Untruth.

I Go Up To That Bed And You're Not There.

And I Look Over And I See A Hole

In The Pillow.

And I Take That Pillow

And I Bring It To Me And I Hug It And I Cry.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Sweetie. Hi.

I Need To Ask You Something.

Today At School, I Told Carolyn

That She Could Sleep Over Friday Night.

Now I Need Your Permission.

Don't You Have This Backwards?

You're Supposed To Ask For Permission First.

What For?

You Always Say Yes.

I'm Just Being Polite.

You've Had A String Of Friends Stay Over.

But, Mom, This Is Carolyn.

Can She Come, Please?

This Is The Last Sleep-Over For Two Months, Understood?

Understood. Mom, Will You Make Those Baked Apples?

I Might, I Don't Know.

Dad, You're Going To Do That Funny Pirate, Aren't You?

Everybody Loves It

When You Do The Funny Pirate.

Well, First Of All, I'm Not A Professional Comedian.

You Understand?

And I Want You To Know That I Can Just, Uh...

Not Be Funny Just Because You Bring

Your Little Raggedy Friends In Here, You Know.

I Mean, I Have To Feel Funny.

Do You Think You'll Feel Funny On Friday Night?

I Don't Know.

I Just Don't... I Don't Know.

Mom, I Know You'll Want To Make Those Baked Apples.

And, Dad, I Know You'll Feel Funny Friday Night.

Yes!

Bye.

I Thank All The Little Oranges That Contributed

To Dr. Huxtable's Glass Of Orange Juice.

Dad, Is Rudy Having Another Sleep-Over?

Yeah.

Rudy Is Bad Enough As It Is.

Around Someone Else Her Age

She's Five Times Worse.

I Don't Want To Be Here.

Where Are You Going?

I'll Stay At Janet's.

Good, She Stayed Over Here The Other Night.

She Owes You, So Go Ahead.

Okay.

Yes, Please.

There Is One Thing I'll Miss.

What?

The Pirate.

Your Funniest Bit.

The Only Thing I Like Better

Is When You Do The Foreign Race Car Driver, Pierre Varoom.

I'm Not Too Sure I Want To Do Pierre Varoom Or Anybody Else.

I Have To Feel Funny To Do Things.

If You Don't, They'll Be Disappointed.

Really?

Yeah.

Bye.

Okay, Take Care.

Pierre Varoom.

I'll Sit With These Kids, Do Pierre Varoom

And They Don't Know When To Stop.

If You Did Something Funny, They Would Just Say:

"That Was Funny."

You Get In The Position, They Keep Asking.

"Do It Again, Do It Again."

Your Back Is Out And They Still Got Plenty Energy Left.

"Do It Again, Do It Again."

It's Ridiculous.

Say...

Dad, This Is Not A Good Day.

Look At This.

An English Composition Paper.

I Thought Of Hiding It, But I Said:

"No, He Might As Well Know The Truth."

I Might As Well-- You Got A "D."

I Got A's In English Comp In High School.

Look At The Professor's Comments.

He Hated Every Sentence I Wrote.

"I Have Never Read Such Muddled Thinking In My Life.

"You Use Too Many Words To Express Your Thoughts

And Don't Understand The Words You Use."

I Didn't Think I'd Have Problems With This Class.

The Others Are The Killers.

I've Got The Hardest Professors.

Whenever I Tell My Friends What Teachers I Have, They Say:

"Oh, The Butcher; Oh, No, The Assassin."

Dad, I'm Drowning.

Maybe I'm Not College Material.

You're Not Talking Like That.

The First Day Of Orientation, The Dean Said:

"Look To Your Left, Look To Your Right.

"One Of These People Will Not Be Here At The End Of The Year."

Dad, The Whole Freshman Class Was Looking At Me.

No, No, No.

I Want You To Look At These Red Marks.

Make Your Corrections.

Take It Back To Your Professor.

Ask For Help.

He Did Say If Anybody Got Below A "C"

They Could Do Their Paper Again.

There.

I Have A Ton Of Work.

Welcome To College Life.

All Right, Dad, I'll Give It A Shot.

There You Go.

And I'll Tell You

What I'll Do For You.

While You're Up In That Room Working So Hard

I'm Going Down To The Store

Buy One Of Those Strawberry Shortcakes

And Bring It Up To Your Room

And You And I Will Have Strawberry Shortcake

While You're Doing Your Work.

Mom Doesn't Like You Eating Those Desserts.

I Don't Care What Your Mother Doesn't Like.

You Understand?

When It Comes To Making A Sacrifice

I'm There When You Throw The Chips Down.

Thanks, Dad.

Go Get Them.

Mon Frere.

Daddy.

Carolyn Will Be Here Any Minute.

Good.

How Do You Feel?

About What?

You Know What I Mean.

Do You Feel Funny?

You Said You Had To Feel Funny To Be Funny.

I Feel A Sort Of Heaviness, A Sadness.

Dad.

Try.

( Doorbell )

Dad, That's Carolyn.

Think Funny, Okay?

Carolyn, Darling.

Rudy, Darling.

Come On In.

Bye, Mom.

How About Our Smooches?

Yeah.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi. I Noticed You Brought Your Sleeping Bag... Why?

The Last Time I Was Here, That Other Bed In Rudy's Room

Felt Like Sleeping On Rocks.

I Need My Sleep, Or I'm Just No Good.

So How About It?

How About What?

What Will You Do To Make Me Laugh?

The Last Time I Was Here, You Were A Riot.

Dad Isn't Up To It Tonight.

I Think He's Depressed.

Yeah, You Have To Excuse Me.

I Think The Whole Day Has Just Taken Its Toll On Me.

I Feel Drained.

Pardon Me.

I'll Go And Get Something To Eat.

I'm Really Sorry, Carolyn.

I Guess We'll Have To Entertain Ourselves.

That's Okay, Darling.

You're Not Responsible For Your Parents.

Let's Go Up And Play.

Ahhh!

( Screaming )

Har!

Now I've Got You!

( Shrieking )

The Pirate Is Going To Get You.

Ahhhh!

( Giggling )

( Crash )

( Laughing )

Clair: All Right, You Two!

What Did You Break Now?

Girls: Nothing.

Clair: I Want It Quiet.

Not Another Sound.

Rudy: Mom?

Yes?

Can We Get A Snack?

Okay, But Be Quiet.

Your Brother's Studying.

Rudy: We Will.

Carolyn: Har, Har, Matey.

I'll Make You Walk The Plank.

No, You Won't!

Yes, I Will.

Hey.

Do You Guys Mind?

I Came Down Here

To Get Away From You Two Wild Women.

Shouldn't You Both Be In Bed?

It's A Sleep-Over.

We Can Stay Up Late.

We're The Queens Of The Night.

Your Highness, Darling...

Your Royal Beauty, Darling.

Kiss, Kiss.

Smooch, Smooch.

You Two Are So Obnoxious.

Thank You, Your Grumpiness.

Are You Done?

I Have An Important Paper To Finish.

What Are You Writing About?

You Wouldn't Understand.

It's College-Level Material.

"It Was A Haunting, Cloudy Day

One That Conjured Up Images Of Destiny."

Huh?

I Told You You Wouldn't Understand It.

Sounds Like You're Trying To Impress Your Teacher

With Big Words.

That Never Works.

How Do You Know?

My Dad's An Editor Of A Newspaper.

He Tells New Reporters--

"When You Write, Keep It Simple.

Only People With Small Minds Use Big Words."

Look, I Was Asked To Write About A Personal Experience.

I'm Writing About My First Day At College.

I'm Trying To Capture How Scared I Was

When I First Arrived On Campus.

Why Don't You Just Say, "I Was Scared"?

Because That's Not Descriptive Enough.

I'm Trying To Paint A Picture Of My Fear.

I Know What You Mean About Fear.

I Once Took My Cat, Maple, On A Ferris Wheel--

Whoa, Was She Scared!

We're Not On A Ferris Wheel.

Would The Two Of You Kindly Leave Me To Write?

Okay.

Carolyn, Let's Go Upstairs.

( Whispering )

Good Night, Mr. Dictionary.

"As I Stepped On The Campus For The First Time

"I Was Afraid.

"I Felt Like...

A Cat On A Ferris Wheel."

( Growling )

The Monsters Looked Into The Attic And Said...

We're Going To Eat Your House.

Let's Start With The Chimney.

Let's Play Something Else Now.

But We're Supposed To Go To Sleep.

It's A Sleep-Over.

We Can Stay Up As Late As We Want.

Let's Play Flashlight Wars.

Okay.

Defenders Of The Universe.

May One Light Shine True.

Go!

My Beam Got Your Beam.

No, It Didn't.

Yes, It Did.

Take That.

No Fair!

What?

You're Not Allowed To Take Your Beam Off The Wall.

This Is My House.

I Can Do Anything.

You're Always Changing The Rules

Just So You Can Win.

I Can't Help Being Better

At Flashlight Wars.

Stop That!

I'm Going Home.

No, You're Not.

Yes, I Am.

You're My Guest. You'll Do What I Say.

I Don't Have To Do Anything.

You're A Rockhead!

You're A Sponge-Brain!

You're A Sponge-Brain To The Max!

You're A Double Sponge-Brain Supreme!

I'm Going Home.

Go! I Don't Care.

I Don't Really Care...

Dr. Huxtable--

I Have To Talk To You.

Huh?

Wake Up. It's An Emergency.

Okay. Make Sure She's Fully Dilated.

I'll Scrub Up. Here We Go.

Dr. Huxtable, I Want To Go Home!

What Are You Doing In Here?

How Did You Get In Here?

What's Going On?

Rudy Cheats, And She's Being Mean.

I Hate Her.

What Is Going On?

She Hates Rudy.

Oh...

Can You Do Me A Favor?

Get In The Bed You're In

And Hate Her Until About 8:30.

Then I'll Be Glad To Take You Home.

I Can't Spend Another Minute Here.

Call My Mommy, Please?

I'm Very Unhappy.

Okay. I'll Call Your Mom.

Okay. All Right.

I'll Pack And Meet You Downstairs.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

What Are You Doing?

I Have To Call Mrs. Gregory

And Tell Her Her Daughter Wants To Come Home...

( Mocking Carolyn )

Hello, Mr. Gregory.

How You Doing?

Your Daughter Just Came In Here And Said:

( Mocking Carolyn )

So Would You Please Put The Light On Out Front?

I'll Drive By And Throw Her Out The Window.

Yeah. Okay.

Huh?

Do The Pirate For You?

You Want Me To Do The Pirate?

You're A Grown Man.

Argh, Why Don't You Go To Sleep?!

Carolyn.

Carolyn.

I'm Here To Take You Home.

Huh?

I'm Ready To Take You Home.

Here We Go.

I Don't Want To Go Home.

I Changed My Mind.

Yeah, But 30 Seconds Ago

You Were In There, And You Said:

"I Hate Rudy And I Want To Go Home."

But When I Got Back, She Apologized.

She's My Best Friend.

I Love Her.

The Next Time You Come In My Room And Wake Me Up

And Tell Me You Want To Go Home

I'll Give You 50⢠And You Get The Bus.

That Sounds Fair.

Good Night.

Oh, Dad, You Look Terrible.

Yes, Because Your Sister's Friend, Carolyn

Woke Me Up Three Times To Take Her Home.

See What They Did To The Kitchen?

I Cleaned It Up

Along With About 400 Pieces Of Balled-Up Composition Paper.

Sorry About That.

I Was Up All Night Rewriting This Paper.

Went Down To N.Y.U. This Morning And Slid It

Under The Professor's Door.

He Was There.

He Read It While I Waited.

Only Half The Red Marks Of Before.

Now You're Cooking.

He Said If I Made My Ideas Clearer And More Direct

I Could Probably Get A "C."

A "C" Would Be Beautiful.

You'd Like A "C"?

Of Course I'd Be Happy With A "C."

This Is What Is Known As A Hard "C."

I Would Take A Hard "C"

Over A Soft "A" Any Day.

Dad, By The End Of This Year, I'll Be Pulling In Hard A's.

I'm Too Scared Of You!

Go Ahead.

Rudy: Daddy!

I'll Take You Home...

What?

Presenting The Darling Sisters

America's Sweethearts.

Don't You All Just Look Lovely?

Thank You.

Isn't This Your Mother's Makeup And Jewelry?

Yes.

I'll Be Gone When She Finds Out.

We're Not Worried.

Come On, Darlings.

Let's Go To The Mall.

You Look Lovely, Mrs. Huxtable, Darling.

Thank You, Darling.

Good-Bye, Darling.