Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

WOMEN: ♪ ...are comin', their sails are in sight ♪

♪ Shrimp boats are acomin', there's dancin' tonight ♪

♪ Why don't you hurry, hurry, hurry home ♪

♪ Why don't you hurry, hurry, hurry home ♪

♪ Shrimp boats are acomin', there's dancin' tonight ♪

Marina, you gotta have somebody look at that.

I'm fine, Brandy. The aspirins are helping.

Me, I was drafted in the last war.

They assigned me to the enemy.

WOMEN (whooping): Hey! Whoo! MEN: Hey!

Hey! Whoo! All right!

DRIVER: Mortars! Get down!

(mortar explodes)

Are you hit? No. I'm okay.

It's her stomach. She's been having pains.

Let's check it out. (yelping) Ow.

(chatter)

Battalion Aid asked me to give these to you.

What are they? The casualty reports.

Never thought I'd wind up as a carrier pigeon.

Bad belly wound. Looks like he stopped their MiG with his stomach.

You'd better set up some plasma.

Well, well. Since when did they put a stewardess on this run?

She's with the U. S. O. Medic thinks it's her appendix.

Right down my alley. I wrote the book on the appendix.

I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.

Oh, it's okay. I'm fine.

Oh! Oh! Ah ha ha!

You showbiz folks, always with the funny walks.

Direct me to the nearest threshold.

How long have you had these pains?

Just for a few days.

It wasn't too bad at first, but now it hurts like heck.

You can say "hell" here. This is Korea.

If you can't say "hell" in hell,

where in hell can you say it?

Now, before I take out your appendix,

there's one question I always like to ask.

Have you had your appendix out before?

Uhuh. Will there be a bad scar?

Are you kidding? You're talking to Al Capone's personal plastic surgeon.

CHARLES: I must say, Pierce,

I certainly do envy your surgical assignment.

How I'd love to sink my scalpel once again

into a simple appendix.

It's such a useless

yet highly lucrative little organ.

Yeah, well, this useless little organ

should've been registered as a concealed weapon.

Another couple of hours, and it could've ruptured.

You wanna snip that, and then let's close.

I'm gonna do a running subcuticular.

I promised her the scar wouldn't be too noticeable.

Professional reasons. She's with the U. S. O.

Margaret, I need another hand with some retraction here.

Pam?

How's he doin'? Not too well.

It's gonna be touchandgo.

Miss Ryan, I believe you had a reservation

for a single with a view of the other singles.

Hey, it's a gal.

I've seen her before. She's a singer with U. S. O.

I caught her act at Kimpo. Hey, Miss. Saw your show.

You're terrific.

Please, this is no time to take a bow.

Frank, get us a screen over here, will you?

Could she do a song later?

Nah. 'Fraid not.

She opened and closed in one night.

Just some light roadwork, and stay off the heavy bag.

I'll see you in the morning.

Can you stay for a while?

No. You'd better get some rest.

Besides, I have to get over to the mess tent.

I'm working my way through busboy school as a doctor.

If he improves, he's gonna be a very sick young man.

Yeah. It wouldn't hurt

to get Father Mulcahy to put in a little overtime, huh?

B.J.: Right.

That must be Marina's troupe.

Hello. Anybody home?

Unless I'm mistaken,

that's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

Well, I saw her picture in Life magazine.

Uh, fully clothed.

Oh, it can't be her.

The U. S. O. wouldn't send a burlesque queen to Korea.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Father.

Hiya, honey. Hi.

I'm Brandy Doyle.

Oh, well, how nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm Sarah Miller. Hello.

And I'm Ellie Carlyle.

We were told that Marina Ryan is here.

She sure is, and she's doing real fine.

Oh, glad to hear it.

Say, nice place you got here,

but once a week, you gotta get someone in to dust.

You can do it, Rev. You're a man of the cloth.

You're very jocular.

This is our emcee Fast Freddie Nichols.

Say, as long as you're here,

maybe you could do a show for our wounded?

Oh, as spokesman for the group,

we'd love to, but our schedule is very tight.

In fact, we're all drunk. Ha ha ha!

Now, where's Marina?

Oh, this way. Come on. I'll take you.

Come along. Uh, Father,

may I have a word with you in private?

Of course. Of course. This way.

Hey! Hiya, guys! Yep. You are not dreaming.

It is me in the flesh, so to speak.

Who is that? I don't know.

Great to be here in Korea,

the country with a Seoul. (groaning)

ELLIE: How are you feeling?

Oh, much better. I had to have an appendectomy.

I had trouble with my appendix once,

but I couldn't afford the operation,

so I had the doctor touch up the Xray.

Hey, these cookies are dirty. Listen to this.

"Confucius say man who chase woman in dark

often end up with"

Ha ha ha! That's lovely.

I got one about a traveling salesman. Please. Fellas.

There are women present.

Speak up so we can hear ya.

(laughter) That's the way.

What's all the laughing?

Oh, Doc, these are my U.S.O. friends: Eleanor and Brandy.

Hi, Eleanor.

This is the wonderful man who saved my life.

Oh, I just cut along the dotted line.

MARINA: Fast Freddie, meet Captain Pierce.

Captain Pierce. Hawkeye.

Suture self, doc.

Ha ha!

(laughing)

Oh, I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Major Charles Winchester. Hiya.

Winchester, huh?

You must be the big gun around here. (chuckles)

I rarely get to meet a man of your caliber.

Marina?

Marina?

Sarah, hi.

I want you to meet Dr. Pierce.

This is Sarah Miller. Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Thanks for taking such good care of Marina.

Well, I'll tell you how you can pay me back.

We can turn postop into a barn

so you can turn it into a theater and put on a show for us.

(all cheering)

You can stay with us for the night and leave in the morning.

No, they can't. Why?

We've gotta be on the road to the 121st evac hospital.

It's not that far, and the roads are good.

They haven't gotten around to potholing them yet.

I'm sorry. We just have time

to grab a bite and move on.

I'll have the mess tent prepare some food for you.

SARAH: Thanks.

Just make sure it's not chicken.

You know how the last base killed their chickens?

They fed 'em the French toast.

Hey, these guys know comedy.

Freddie, they love you.

Why don't we stay and do the show?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on. ALL: Come on, Freddie.

You wanna talk about army food?

Those chickens were classified 4F:

fowl, fowl, fowl, fowl.

Oh, we'll do a show. (cheering)

(laughing)

Don't tell me you think that guy is funny?

He's the worst comedian I ever heard in my life.

Then why are you laughing?

I don't know.

I don't believe it.

Hey, what do two drunks do when they meet?

BOTH: They shake!

(burbling)

It is you! Fast Freddie Nichols,

the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles!

Oh, he also does cerebral humor.

No. For cerebral humor, he walks on his head.

I'm Corporal Max Klinger. You won't believe this,

but once, I drove six hours to catch your act.

And your nose made it in five.

(laughing)

Nose made it in five! Is the man a genius?

He finds one insignificant little trait

and instantly turns it into comedy.

Yes, ma'am, I'm prouder than a peacock

to have a star of your magnitude

right here in our midst.

Well, aren't you the little charmer?

Ha ha ha!

Many's the time

you've beguiled this wideeyed young doughboy

back in K. C. in the old Gaiety Theater.

You caught my act?

Heck, one time I caught your garter.

To this day, every time I watch a C42 revvin' up,

I think about how you used to spin those tassels.

Well, there's more than one way to use a runway, Colonel.

Wonderful news, everybody.

We've cleared out a space in postop

so you can set up for your show.

HAWKEYE: Terrific!

We got a bunkhouse for these gypsies?

We've prepared the VIP tent.

Sarah and Eleanor, we've put your things in there.

Well, that takes care of the young 'uns.

Now, Brandy, why don't you and Margaret buddy up?

Oh.

Yes. That would be nice.

Good evening, ladies and germs.

(laughter)

I planned to have you laying in the aisles,

but I see someone beat me to it.

I'd like to thank Colonel Potter

for this wonderful reception.

(soldiers cheering)

Even though we didn't get married.

But seriously, folks,

Colonel Potter is really, really a great guy.

A military genius.

First thing he said to me

was "Gotta get those Krauts."

It's pretty noisy in here.

Do you think we should move Nowicki?

No. Leave him alone. Might do him some good.

So I bit him.

On the other hand,

But enough of my bits.

Here's someone who you could really sink your teeth into.

A hell of a girl, Miss Brandy Doyle!

(cheering)

♪♪♪ (accordion)

♪ Cuddle, cuddle up a little closer ♪

♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

♪ Cuddle, cuddle up ♪

♪ And be my little ♪

♪ Clinging vine ♪

♪ Like to see your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ Like to make you comfycozy ♪

♪ 'Cause I love from head to toesie ♪

♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

It hurts when I do this. It hurts when I do this.

SOLDIER: What'd you say?

Shh. I'm rehearsing.

♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

It hurts when I do this.

♪ Clinging vine ♪

(whooping, whistling)

♪ 'Cause I love from head to toesie ♪

♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

♪ Like to see your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ Like to make you comfycozy ♪

♪ 'Cause I love from hea to toesie ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Lovelovey mine ♪

(whistling)

And now here is something for all you music buffs.

And I oughta know

because many a times I've worked to music in the buff.

Miss Ellie Carlyle and her squeezable Steinway!

(cheering, whooping)

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to dedicate this next tune

to a really swell guy with a head to match.

Thank you very much.

♪♪♪ ("Lady Of Spain")

I'll always be grateful to you for saving my life.

Oh, it's nothing. The only tricky part

was remembering if the appendix was on the right or the left.

(laughs) Oh, Oh, Please. It hurts when I laugh.

Then take two Fast Freddie jokes.

You'll feel better in no time.

(laughter)

(German accent) Here we are at the doctor place!

The horsepistol.

First I need my nurse.

Nurse! Where's the nurse?

(whooping)

Is there something I can do for you, doctor?

Oh, ja. I'll talk about that later in your pup tent.

But first, bring me the talcum powder.

Where's the talcum power?

Yes, doctor. Walk this way.

If I could walk that way,

I wouldn't need the talcum powder.

I need a patient. Where's the patient?

Oh, sir?

Oh, here you are. You look like a heel.

Dr. Kinderspiel will see you now.

(cheering)

Now, young man, what seems to be the problblblem?

My arm hurts.

Well, don't What?

(laughter)

My arm hurts.

Uh, well, uh, Dummkopf,

don't you mean it hurts when I do this?

Then don't do that.

(laughter)

You got the wrong line.

Oh, what a lovely jacket you're wearing.

Somewhere a horse is freezing.

(laughter)

I can't find the line. What do I do?

Get out.

But Get out!

There is only one cure for such an illness:

a young lady will come out

and sing us all back to good health.

Give her a big hand Miss Sarah Miller!

(cheering)

Thank you. I'd like to sing you a song

that's very special to me.

My brother taught it to me.

It's called "Sweet Molly Malone."

♪♪♪

♪ In Dublin's fair city ♪

♪ Where the girls are so pretty ♪

♪ I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone ♪

♪ She wheeled a wheelbarrow ♪

♪ Through streets broad and narrow ♪

♪ Crying "Cockles and mussels" ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

Everybody knows this song. Why don't you join in with me?

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

♪ Crying "Cockles and mussels" ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

My usual singing partner

is not able to be on stage with me tonight,

but she is, however, in the audience,

and maybe we could all persuade her to join me.

(cheering)

♪ She was a fishmonger, and that was no wonder ♪

♪ For so were her father and mother before ♪

(gasp)

Does anybody else know this song?

I do.

Hey! Margaret!

NURSE: Major!

Come on up.

Major Houlihan. All right.

Ahem.

♪ She was a fishmonger ♪

♪ And that was no wonder ♪

♪ For so were her father and mother before ♪

♪ They each wheeled their barrows ♪

♪ Through streets broad and narrow ♪

♪ Crying "Cockles and mussels" ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

♪ Crying "Cockles and mussels" ♪

♪ Alivealiveo ♪

(cheering)

You wanna know something, honey?

I get the feeling I make you kind of nervous.

No. No.

Well, you and I are not all that different.

I mean, I'm just like any other woman.

No, you're not.

We all take our pants off

one leg at a time.

You know, I'd give anything

to have a gorgeous head of hair like yours.

Ah! Thank you!

I was just thinking the same thing

about your lovely head of hair.

How do you manage to keep it so beautiful?

Oh, simple.

I give it the night off.

I never would've guessed.

My exhusband gave me that for our third anniversary.

Right after that, we split up.

Oh, but those were three beautiful months.

I learned to get the anniversaries in

as fast as I could.

That's just about as long as I was married.

I see I'm not the only one in this tent

who knows what it's like to be lonely.

The nights can get sort of empty

when all you've got to curl up with is a pillow.

At least with the people here, they're like your family.

But they're mostly just kids.

Oh, not that Colonel Potter.

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, he's a real doll.

I got a good mind to sashay right over to his tent

and make his experience at the Gaiety Theater

seem like a church social.

Colonel Potter is a very happily married man.

So were my five husbands till they met me.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm leaving first thing in the morning.

So tonight it's just you and me, kid.

And the old pillow.

How'd you sleep?

Wonderfully.

I envy you. Didn't you sleep well?

A cup of coffee would've gotten a better night's sleep.

That's one of Freddie's jokes.

I knew I heard that somewhere!

Must've been around 4:30 this morning.

How you feeling? Great.

Thanks to a, certain wonderful doctor I know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that

to all the wonderful doctors you know.

Oh, no. I mean it. You're special.

Um...

regulations. These hands are on duty.

He's finally started to show some improvement.

(yawns) Vital signs are stable. Temperature's down.

He seems to be much better. He's awake now.

How you doin', Nowicki?

How you feelin'?

I know it's hard to talk,

but you're comin' along just fine.

Watch out for Nurse Kellye, though.

She likes the weak, silent type.

Keep him on the D5 and half saline solution

at 125 CC's per hour. Right.

Nunzio's Chez Paris, Hoboken, New Jersey.

(phone rings) You guys gonna come?

Sure. It's the least we can do

for the man who put plastic doggie doo in our bunks.

(ring)

Klinger, you'd better get that.

Okay, but first a quick goodbye.

Freddie, I just wanna say what an indescribable thrill

it's been for me to have the pleasure

Klinger! (ring)

Yeah, so long, everybody!

Hoboken, New Jersey.

Say, is that anywhere near Princeton?

(ring) KLINGER: So long!

Bye. Yeah. Come on. And

BOTH: 1, 2, 3, 4.

Terrific!

(wolf whistles) I got it!

Ho, ho, ho!

You're terrific. Oh, that goes double for me.

Miss Doyle, it's been a real hoot and a holler.

Anybody who can bring a little sunshine to this gloomy place

gets an eternal gracias from me.

Oh, thank you. You know, Sherm,

we'll probably never see one another again,

and I'd hate myself if I didn't do this.

(whooping)

Come on, folks. It's just a handshake with lips.

(laughter)

Goodbye, Father. Thanks again for your help.

Goodbye, Sarah. I wish you good luck in your search.

So do I.

All right. Byebye.

Everybody on the truck. We're moving out.

KLINGER: Wait! Wait! Don't anybody move!

Klinger, one goodbye to a customer. No, no, no.

That was G2 on the phone. There's an allout offensive.

All roads are restricted to troop convoys only.

Nobody can leave. You've been held over. (cheering)

Hey, Freddie. Shake!

FREDDIE: So the guy with the shovel

walks up to the streetcar conductor and says,

"Motherinlaw? I thought that was your cat!"

(Freddie, Klinger laugh)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)