All language subtitles for Hawks.1988.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-YTS.MX

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Jesus! You just took
years off my life.

I know the feeling.

I thought I heard something,

but I couldn't see anybody.

And there you are
in the ultimate Saab.

Sit there.
Get the feel of it.

Familiarize yourself
with the layout.

How's that
for driver environment?

What you just
tiptoed quietly into

is the luxury end of our range.

Is she fast?

They find the cars themselves,
the best salesmen.

Once behind the wheel,

few customers fail to appreciate

the combination of rugged,
Swedish whole-weather
engineering,

coupled with...

Exhilarating performance.

As you can see,

the cornering
is quite exceptional
with a large margin...

For Christ's sake!

You're in love with her.

I can tell,
you're in love with her.

Why don't we stop the car
and talk a deal?

Make me an offer.
Don't just drive
the bloody thing,

make me an offer.

So, what are we
doing here anyway?

This doesn't go anywhere,
just to the quarry.

Are you from around these parts?

You do know about the quarry?

The quarry! The fucking
great hole in the ground!

Get out.

Try it without the seatbelt.

You're a lunatic.

I don't care
if you never
buy a sodding car!

Close the door.

What are you gonna do?
What do you think
you're gonna do?

Just close the door.

You know you're heading
straight for a 200-foot drop?

With my car?

I'm gonna be repaying
for this bastard for 900 years!

I...

Shit!

Ugh!

Included in the package
is a five-year
rust-free guarantee.

Five years?

That, I'll buy.

Typical.

Slip a tube in your arm,

next thing you know,
everyone's wearing
tubes in their arms.

How long's he got?

No, Mr. Bancroft.

You know very well
we don't talk about
patients like that.

Come on, sister,
I just want to know

if it's worth
striking up a conversation.

Can you keep him going
till he begins to bore me?

Some people walk out of here.

Yeah, you, and those two ladies

who bring around
the library books.

God, those two!

You treat us
like kamikaze pilots

till we go out
in a blaze of chrysanthemum.

We ought to be surrounded
by the fairest fornication
has to offer.

Not those two enormous asses.

Two very kind ladies.

Yes, but they have to be.

I live in terror one of them's
about to sit on me in bed.

Now you, on the other hand,

are a fine figure
of a nursing sister.

- Behave yourself.
- I don't say that lightly.

I spend long nights
fantasizing about
your medicinal properties.

Not sleeping. We must
do something about that.

Oh, I'd be ever so grateful.

I'll put you down
for an increased barbiturate.

I was thinking
more along the lines

of maybe licking jam
from off your nipples.

Even hospital jam.
Can't say fairer than that.

Is that the best place
you can find to take a pulse?

Isn't there something
you could simply
toy with for a while?

We're a little fast today.

More than
a little fast today.

Why haven't I died?

I feel so randy all the time.

What makes
you think you're dying?

Your embarrassment
with the word, for one thing.

Has he got the same?

He's got the same.

And please,
don't be filling his head

with the idea
that it's necessarily fatal.

Well, why don't we let him
draw his own conclusions
when he finds out he's dead.

Why are you determined
to take the bleakest view?

Spoken to the doctor lately?

How are we
doing, Mr. Lightowler?

Let's have a look
at those dressings.

Why do you bother
talking to him?

He's just
a mindless lump of protein.

Who gave you the authority
to determine that?

Took a course, did you?
"Conversational cabbage."

Keep your voice down!

What for?
He can't hear you!

All he does
is fart occasionally.

What kind of a basis is that
for a relationship?

"Hello, Mr. Lightowler."

"How are we today?"

"Feeling better, are we?"

Is this one gonna be any better?

Morning! Hi!

On behalf of your
area health authority,

may we welcome you aboard this
air-conditioned terminal ward.

Oh, man... Shit.

Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones.

When they call out your name,
give them this.

X-ray.

Just about the pits
for entertainment.

No.

Informed opinion
is unanimously destined you
towards X-ray?

Fuck X-ray.

Where we going?

Where indeed...

are we headed, those of us
with bone and marrow
on a cosmic plain?

I applaud the logic
of your question.

I'm supposed to be in X-ray.

There, now.

Isn't this nicer than
whirling about
dreary old X-ray?

You're fucking insane.

Hey!

Hey, come on!

Shit!

Who wheeled you up there?

Well,
I'd like to answer.

Who left you
on the roof, Mr. Deckermensky?

It was a damn fool thing to do.

You have no obligation
to protect that person.

It was a man.

Well, who was it?

I never saw his face.

I think it was
the masked fucking bandit.

Came across
the masked bandit, did we?

He's a freak head,
totally batshit!

I ever get any muscle back,

I'm gonna break
his fucking arms!

Way to go, kid.

Beats feeling pathetic.

Carol, hi.

It's your friendly dead person.
Don't hang up.

I'm not contagious.

Especially not
over the sodding phone.

How am I?

Oh, nice of you
to ask, naturally.

Fine.

Just thought I'd call you,

and we could
talk dirty for a while.

Carol!

I put your orange juice
on the table.

No, no, your orange juice.

- Hey, Jarvis.
- It's here, look.

Don't knock it ov... Over.

What are you doing on your feet?

I'm looking for
a quick bed bath.

If you're on your feet,
you don't need a bed bath.

Not for me. For you.

Come back when you're stronger.

Should be your motto
for the day, Jarvis.

"Make love to a terminal."

- We're not listening,
are we, Mr. Singleton?
- Yes.

As long as you like it fast,
no messy after-entanglements.

Support your local terminals.

Shall I change your program?

Cook with cheese.

I don't think he cares.

Ah, not to worry.

Tell him they found
this new cure for senility,
it's called dying young.

You're a sod.

You take advantage of me.

You're a gorgeous sod,
but you're a sod.

And you're
unprofessional, Jarvis.

You're too much woman
and too little uniform.

You bite your nails. You've had
a scandalous private life.

Not scandalous,
just inefficient.

Well, you've got
a real flair
for the wrong men.

Every time.

Go back to bed.

Not possible. I've got
this full social calendar.

I've got a scan at 10:30,
medication at 1:00,

and I'll put you down
for a grope at 3:15.

You'll get me fired.

A bit of remedial lechery.

'Cause no one does it like you.

Where the hell have you been?

Just been to town
to see a movie.

Not a very good movie.

Kind of a neo-realist wet dream.

They let you go downtown?

No one lets me go. I go.

A hawk requires
no permission
from the pigeons.

You're full of shit.
You've just been
around the block.

We shall see, laddy.
We shall see.

It hurts?

You know what hurts more?

I gotta take a leak
in this goddamn bottle.

How come you're here,
an American?

We were on tour

playing football.
I play pro.

I used to play pro ball.

American football.

- What, all those padded things?
- Yeah.

We were playing Germany
and my bones began to ache.

Thing is, you play football,
your bones are always aching,

so what did I know?

Till we get over here,
and I fall apart.

So what do you do
when you're not
wearing funny noses?

Solicitor.

What?

Lawyer.

Jesus!

You mean there are guys

that need you
to keep them out of jail?

Mmm-hmm.

I hate that goddamn bottle.

I used to piss
like a horse, you know,
like any guy should.

Then go to the toilet.

It's just down the corridor.

I can't make it to the toilet.

Oh, well.

If you're just going to
lie about all the time...

What do you need,
a helmet and pads?

Screw you.

Shit.

Come on. Shit.

I used to be a jock.

I spent my life working out.

Oh, Jesus!

Pissed my pants.

Shit!

Just see where we are.

On the floor in our own urine.

Do you see
why you need this thing?

It's the only muscle left.

You ruined my pajamas,
you dumb bastard.

Well, if you're gonna get picky
about every little thing.

No! No!

Oh!

Hope to God
you like chocolate biscuits.

Who is that behind there?

That is Mr. Lightowler.

Well-known cabbage.

Does he always have screens?

Mr. Lightowler
always has screens.

In case they have to shade him
from that fucking bathrobe.

I like to think of
Mr. Lightowler as a kind
of missile in its silo.

Whose bed is that?

We have a vacancy.

I told them, be like
the airlines, double book.

They come and go.
Flighty breed, the dying.
Here one minute...

gone the next.

Does he do that a lot?

It's his one little vanity.

He likes to give
the impression
he's still alive.

Oh, Jesus!

Impressive, isn't it?

And, I believe,
undetectable by radar.

You mustn't begrudge him
his little pleasures.

That's the last post
he's blowing on
the tailing sphincter.

You can't leave it here.

Oh, they always say that.

Oi, can't leave it there.

Oh.

These places are required
in case of medical emergency.

All right, all right.

Let's see if we can come
to some suitable arrangement.

Keep your flipping money.

These places are reserved
for medical personnel only.

Did you have to offer him money?

Money talks.

Mmm-hmm, I saw
how smoothly it talks.

They see the Jag,
it brings out
the Trotsky in them.

Hello, darling.

It isn't AIDS, Mother.

It'll be a death
you can be proud of.

Don't be silly.

You mustn't
think of me as sitting here

exuding corrosive puffs
of vile bio-chemistry.

Don't talk like that.

The truth is, we are the ones
who are vulnerable
to the least infection.

You could annihilate me

with that half-hearted kiss.

He talks to me sometimes

as if he's the parent
and I'm the child.

- How are you, son?
- Oh, put it away.

He has no wish to be impressed
with your wrestling grip.

You're looking good.

He is, you know.

He's looking good.

She just insulted you.
Don't you care?

Don't you even hear it anymore?

It's just her way.
She's worried about you.

I don't understand this cruelty.

You're an expert.

You have to make
allowances, Vivian.

For what?

Well,
for his drugs and things.

I can think of no excuse

for deliberately
hurtful behavior.

Well, I think
he's looking better.

Do you think
he's looking better?

Spoken to Carol lately?

She sends her love.

Oh, that's a neat idea.

Sending it, so much
more hygienic than making it.

All that physical contact.

Christ!

I'm not even unsightly yet.

Your father tells me you've got
someone your own age.

That's nice.

Yeah.

I'll bet he thinks
it's marvelous.

His folks have
just flown in to celebrate.

You know what I mean.

They seem
friendly here.

Except for the parking.

We've been talking to people,

and there are
things they can do
once we get you home.

They're doing
everything here, Dad.

Here? What do...
What do they know here?

I know these guys.
I was here in World War II.
They had no bathrooms.

They've got bathrooms now.

He looks thinner.

- I'm okay, Ma.
- Sure he's thinner.

These people
eat the weirdest shit.

- Oh, Byron.
- Oh, who's listening?

Why don't you come?
Right now.
We'll get you home.

I already talked to Pan Am.
They'll take good care of you.

Soon as I bounce back,
let the team do it.

Once they finish the tour,
I'll fly back with them.

Well, they used to think
Spam was a luxury item.

Can you believe that?

God damn Spam.

Maureen!

Came as soon
as I got your letter.

Oh...

I didn't expect you to come.

I just wanted to tell somebody.

Have you told anybody else?

No!

Hazel, listen to...

- Little black hairs.
- What?

- They all leave
little wiry black hairs...
- No, listen.

Even if they're blond,
they leave little wiry
black hairs.

Makes you wonder how they do it.

- Hazel!
- Unless they smuggle them in
with their luggage.

- Sit down a minute.
- Are you going to shout at me?

- Hazel!
- You're going to shout at me.

I'm not going to shout at you.

Well, I know who will.

My dad will.

He'll kill me, Maureen.

- You haven't told him?
- I didn't tell him.

How can I tell him?

'Cause he thinks
you never go out with fellows?

Well, I do.

You know I do.

You shouldn't think like that.

You're not unattractive...

If you do yourself up.

I'm a nine-foot freak.

So how come you're
a pregnant nine-foot freak?

Maureen, keep your voice down!

If you were free to go,

where would you
really want to go?

You mean around here?

I mean anywhere.

If you were fit and randy.

Well, I am fit and randy.

- That'll do.
- Uh... Amsterdam.

Amsterdam?

I played football there once.

They got a whorehouse there

you could spend your life in.

It's five floors.

It's like a fucking
parking garage.

Sounds like a place one could
spend one's remission in.

Oh,

my good day
is getting worse again.

You think that's worse?

Wonder if you're ready
for how "worse"...

it's gonna be.

- I do not.
- Oh, oh.

Hey, get in the queue.
Don't push.

I don't think
I could have an abortion.

I'd never be able to walk past
another mother carrying a pram.

So what was he like?

Well, I suppose
you'd describe him as older.

Oh, God!

No, no, it wasn't like that.

He's not married.

He's divorced.

- Oh, Hazel.
- Hs wife was a bitch.

Surprise, surprise.

He's a gentleman, Maureen!

He's not a flash.

He wears glasses.

His hair's going a bit thin.

Sounds magic.

Where'd you meet
this saintly figure?

Room 18.

Jesus! How long for?

Six weeks.

It wasn't a one-night job.
What'd you think I am?

He was over here on a course.

What you mean "over here"?

- Well, he's foreign.
- Oh, shit.

Where the hell
are you taking me?

You have
other appointments?

Whoa, easy.

You never went
to school, I suppose?

I finished high school, asshole.

Someplace they let you home
every night.

You never really went to school,

the English boarding school.

Alcatraz
without the view.

We did hard time there.

Towards the end of my stretch,

in a full flower
of raging puberty,

a few of us founded...

an escape committee.

A handful of dedicated wankers

with outstanding grades
and acne.

We called ourselves
"the Hawks."

The rest of the world
were pigeons.

You can't steer
a chair worth shit.

Whoa, you can't
come in here, mate.

You want us to break his arm?

Patience, chunky American.

I know it's Saturday night,
but let's not overdo it, huh?

Little word in your ear?

This is
Elton John's spiritual advisor.

Get lost.

Do I take it
this establishment

refuses admission
to disabled persons?

Now, how would you like

a little protest demo
out there on the pavement?

Forty people in wheelchairs,

attracting press
and public attention to

your scandalous lack
of public spirit.

Teach you
to fuck with my lawyer.

I mean solicitor.

Are you ready for a game?

What kind of a game?

Card game.

All right.

What I've got here,
one on each card,

is the description
of the kind of symptoms

we've got coming to us in the
course of our little joust
with God, bless her.

Sounds like a fun game.

Oh, once you've seen them,

you may
feel inclined to join me,

and we can go.

How the hell can we go anywhere?

We get a period of remission.

Treatment's nearly over.

- Where do we go?
- Anywhere!

I'm offering you terminal tours,

lazy days,
dying somewhere exotic.

- Look, I can't even walk.
- I'll wheel you.

Till you can walk,
I'll wheel you.

Sounds like a jolly holiday.

All right, don't decide now.

Wait till you've seen
what's in the cards.

Gypsy Rose Bancroft
is about to lay out
your future for you.

Whatever happened to
ignorance is bliss?

I think it really
rather depends on
how much you wanna know.

I wanted to know.

I've heard
it stiffens the resolve
to get the fuck out

before they start
pulling 'round the screens.

I always lose at cards.

I'm not gonna force them on you.

You can stop any time.

As soon as you've got a hand
that's full enough for you.

As soon as
your bowels turn to mush.

Some other time.

I don't talk shop
Saturday night.

♪♪ Crying, dying
All you gotta do is ♪♪

♪♪ Get in the middle
Of a chain reaction ♪♪

♪♪ You get a medal
When you're lost in action ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna get
Your love all ready ♪♪

♪♪ For the sweet sensation
Instant radiation ♪♪

♪♪ You let me hold you
For the first explosion ♪♪

- It should be reported.
- They'll be back.

It's a game they play.

Well, they won't play it again.

I shall hide their clothes.

No, thanks. No more.
We're good.

Your good health.

Okay, smartass.
Get out the cards.

Put on your nose.

- What?
- Funny nose.

You need the funny nose.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Not without the nose.
- Why, for Christ's sake?

Because that's what it's for.

I feel stupid.

You look stupid.

That's our red badge
of courage, you clown.

If we can wear that,
we can take what's coming.

Want another card,
you'll have to ask for it.

When's this going to happen?

It marks
the end of the remission.

Give me another card.

Give me another one.

Come on.

Jesus Christ.

I'm not going to wait around
for that to happen.

My sentiments exactly.

We go.

- You know what,
you can shove those...
- Don't worry.

By then, they'll
keep us sedated.

We'll be so squirrely
in our head, we'll just be
a couple of zombies.

Let me get this straight.

You're proposing that
I wheel you up to the roof
so you can take a dive?

Would you keep your voice down!

I'm not gonna dive.
I'm just gonna jump.
Nothing fucking stylish.

No way.

I won't do it.

It's highly immoral.

If you're gonna
act like a prick,
I'll just crawl.

You said, "Let's do
something about it."

Yeah, not that. Forget it.

Anything's better than
lying around waiting for it.

That's what you said.

What I had in mind was us
getting the hell out of here!

It is getting out of here.

You can jump too.

Screw you.

Shit.

Here.

On top of medication?

Worried about your health?

I'm worried about throwing up.

You really wanna jump sober?

I really wanna jump.

Why this
obsession with the roof?

Why not just take you outside
and wheel you under a truck?

A truck for Christ's sake!

What would
I look like under a truck?

You're appallingly vain.

Well,
I've got a good body.

I'd like to keep it that way.

Hey,
don't fall off!

What a view!

Aim for about here.

Sure you've got everything?

For going off a roof,
what the fuck do I need?

- What about the note?
- What note?

You can't do it
without leaving a note.

Shit.

Forget it.

If I pass a phone
on the way, I'll call.

Oh, come on,
I can't walk from back here.

Then do it in the wheelchair.

Jump off a roof in a wheelchair?

I'd look like a fool.

- You still think I'm kidding.
- I think you're wrong.

Who asked you?

See? Sulky.

Suicide makes you sulky.

What kind of
a way to go is that?

I'm not sulky.

You're sulky!
All suicides are sulky.

That's what it is,
the ultimate sulk.

You're full of shit, Bancroft.

You're just not facing
where we're at.

No problem. It's gonna
catch up with me soon enough.

Real soon for me.

Is that it, then?

You're just
going to go like this?

In a bad mood.

I wasn't in a bad mood.

You wanna pack suicide in,
it's just gonna depress you.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Nice attitude.

Say hello to Jarvis for me.

Need a push?

No, I don't need a push.

I can do this.

Is that what you need, laddy?

A little help from your friend.

No!

I could have been killed.

Stupid fuck!

Right.

Come on.

Where have you two been?

Just out for some fresh air.

He, uh, dropped off.

Go to your beds.

Where's old Lightowler?

We don't know
what he looks like.

Check the feet for their label.

It's like a supermarket.

- Go on then, check the feet.
- Why me?

Because they're nearer
your eye level.

Experienced roof leaper
like you,

should be able
to handle a few feet.

"Handle"?

Look, I'll read the label,
but there's no way
I'm gonna handle it.

It's him.

Are you sure it's him?

"Lightowler, Gerald."

- "Gerald"?
- Read it.

You think you know someone,
and it turns out his feet
are called Gerald.

- Wanna see his face?
- No.

No.

It's important
we keep him as he was.

Lightowler, a man of mystery.

Man of a thousand faces.

We're gonna swear an oath.

- What kind of an oath?
- A sacred oath.

On Lightowler's feet.

Take hold of one solemnly,

and repeat after me.

Oh, Jesus!

Get hold of it.

If he farts now, I'll die!

Raise your foot
and repeat after me.

I do solemnly swear...

I do solemnly swear...

- By these feet called Gerald...
- By these feet called Gerald...

to kick and struggle
before I die.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

To be a Black Knight
of the Sick Joke,

a notorious
awkward bastard medically.

- Agreed.
- To banish self-pity,

and to buckle on
the arms of laughter.

Right.

And thus, as Hawks accoutered,

to embark upon a nightly quest

to slay all pigeons

that would bar
our paths to Amsterdam

in search of whores
of the lewdest countenance.

- I do so swear...
- Amsterdam?

Five floors of fornication.

That's what
you wanted, isn't it?

- Right.
- Then say, "I do so swear."

Then I do so swear.

We can't steal one of these.

We're
borrowing it, that's all.

Look, I ask you,
who's more entitled
to an ambulance, hmm?

That's true.

Now,
comb your hair
and fasten your pajamas.

Before we leave for Amsterdam,

we're gonna make
a little detour.

All right, closer together.
Nice big smiles now.

A bit further back, Alex.

There we are.

And smile.

Bride and groom.

Carol!

Oh, my God!

What is
going on over there?

Congratulations.

Carol!

Carol!

You could have
hung around a while longer!

Bitch!

There was great rejoicing
after my last urine sample.

I don't wish to boast,

but bits of me
are much in demand
in laboratory circles.

Hello, guy.

Mr. Granger.

Is that my daughter in there?

Yes.

Well, why don't we go
and have a drink?

She embarrassed me now.

I'll make her
a widow in a few months.

It's a fair offer.

She'll look...
She'll look great in black.

Dear, don't cry.

He was fun when he was well.

Of course.

But I'm not meant for this.

By the time she was 11,

she already had
her mother's capacity
as a ball-breaker.

Both of my women are killers.

Great tits, though.

Oh, true. Mmm.

God help us.

Probably wondering
about the sex life
of people in wheelchairs.

Like what do they do
and how do they do it?

Well, I've been employed
by the Wheelchair Institute

of Newark, New Jersey
to give demonstrations.

Do you have time for one,
or are you just gonna be

- hanging around
this reception all day?
- No. Thank you.

We can start off easy.
Something with
the brakes still on.

You ready to go?

Thanks, Mr. Granger.

Forget her.

You want my advice?
Forget her.

Come on.

Whatever happened
to the Black Knights
of the Sick Joke?

You don't see that
on a coat of arms every day.

It's your last night in England.

Who needs television?
Forget it.

There's an absurd rumor

that it's supposed to be
included in the price.
Color television.

It said so at the desk.

No word about wiggly lines
and screens leaping about!

Fucking towels are threadbare.

We are not going to die
in some cheap room.
I'll promise you that.

Yeah, I'd like
to go first class.

I mean it.

You'll feel better
in the morning,
when we get on the ferry.

Yes, I'll feel better
in the morning,
when we get on the ferry.

Come on, lighten up.

- You swore an oath
on Lightowler's feet.
- I know. I know.

Yeah, well, what happened
to all that hot shit?

You're lying there
like some muffin
with a fatal disease.

Well, I am some muffin
with a fatal disease.

In a wheelchair?

You let him go wandering
in a wheelchair?

You didn't try to stop him?

Stop him?

Made me wheel him down
every bleedin' step, didn't he.

- I'll wheel him up.
- Out of the way, boys.

Get out.
Go on, get out of here.

Oh, piss off.

And where have you been?

Don't sweat it, man.
It's therapy time.

Look what I bought for ya.

- For me?
- Yeah. Meet Regina.

One whore to go.

Hey, who you calling a whore?

You take money
for sexual purposes.

Not to be fucking insulted.

Hold it. Hold it.

Can I have a word
in private with my colleague?

Have what you like, dear.

Within reason.

Come on, get rid of her.

Don't be a pain, man.

You were acting
kinda down since the wedding.

I figured you needed something.

She must be 90!

Yeah, she's a young 90.

Listen, look,
I'm lucky to find
anything at this hour.

How lucky can you get?

It's just
a going-away gift, okay?

She's on me.

Well, she's not
fucking getting on me.

Hey!
No, you don't!

He promised me a bed.

In addition
to my usual honorarium

-He's of low mental capacity.
We'll get you a taxi.
-Huh?

After he picked me up
in his wheelchair?

What, you think
that would do to
a girl's image,

being picked up by a wheelchair?

You think I'm gonna be
turned down by one now?

Oi!

You want to start
something, shitface,
I'm gonna start screaming.

Come on, you.

Will one of you pricks
give a lady a hand here?

Mind if I take
my boots off?

No.

Don't take anything off.

Are you all right?
You're attractive.

Oh, it's just my feet
are killing me.

Listen,

before we start.

You don't think you could
get room service

to whip up a sandwich
and a few beers?

Yes.

Get her a meal,

get her a big meal.

I see you got a color telly.

- It's not working.
- Why don't you get it fixed?

That's a good idea,
why don't we get it fixed?

There's a late movie.

It needs a screwdriver,
we haven't got a screwdriver.

I've got a screwdriver.

What's she doing
that she needs a screwdriver?

Here.

Hello, room service, please.

I knew a guy once,

did this for a living.

What, prostitution?

No, you daft twat, TV repair.

He made good money.

Used to keep my set
in tip top condition.

Used to love to show me
how things worked.

Pissed off with me daughter,
didn't he?

Loved to show her
how things worked.

Oh, don't talk like that.

How do you want me to talk?

Through a conventional
stiff upper lip?

Jolly good luck,
may the best man win,

I'll send you a cake stand
for your new home.

David,
I can't bear it.

I have loved you
for a long time, pet. You've
been a large part of my life

and I've trusted you
all along the line.

But David, it's
always been you, David,

always, until now.

I know I'm hurting you
but you've just
got to understand.

Look, I know it's not up
to me to tell you

how to arrange your love life,

but shouldn't you be
in the other bed?

Shush!

Shush.

What are you doing?

I don't need
the goddamn wheelchair.

- You're gonna fall down a lot.
- So, I fall down a lot.

Want a stick?

Screw the stick.

I don't want anything
that makes me look like
a sickie.

I was an athlete, man,
I was fast.

I had the legs on that team.

Hi, guys.

- Here.
- Ah.

- Rolex.
- Rolex?

You can use it
to lean on, can't you?

Doesn't look
like a walking stick.
You can wheel it.

Yeah.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

You think they'll let me
in a brothel with a bike?

Cyclists are highly respected
on the continent.

In whorehouses, I mean,
in the Paradise.

Of course.

We'll tell them
you're an American ace.

That's a fair description.

Bike goes everywhere
for sentimental reasons.

They'll love that
at the Paradise,

it shows I've got heart.

Whores like people with heart.

What whores like
is people with money.

Stop the ambulance.

- What for?
- Back up, back up.

Oh, you mean,
you didn't see them?

Females in distress.

There are two little
round asses back there.

- In distress?
- Yeah, the car was broken down,

they were bending over
in that great, confused
female way.

Get the bike.

- Get the bike.
- That's the way,

- play it cool.
- Oh, come on,

just get the lousy bike.

We gotta strike while
the situation's hot.

Listen, I'll handle
the body language.

You come in from time
to time with something
fascinating in French.

We're in Holland,
what makes you think
they're French?

Just an instinct I have.

Not only French,
but unattractive.

What are you talking about
"unattractive"?

From here,
they look unattractive.

Mine looks okay.

If it's French,
you can't pass it up.

They have centuries of tradition

in the arts of sexual foreplay.

That's the Indians.

Okay, you wait for your squaw,
I'll take what's available.

You're right,
they're unattractive.

Oi.

We don't need your
soddin' ambulance, you know.

Just a mechanic.

Some French.

Oh, my God,
how are we gonna
make 'em understand?

Ambulance, no.

Um, mechanic, si.

Car is kaput.

Finito, you know, um,

knackered?

Oh, my God.
Would you just not
stand there?

Can you just say something?

Can you pay attention,
what's the matter?

Oh, my God, he's gorgeous.

It's true what they say
about foreigners.

Did you ever see anything
more gorgeous

in your whole life?

Hazel, you're on
your way to meet Rolf.

Yes, I know
I'm on my way to meet.

Yeah, well, you picked
a hell of a time

to go bananas for somebody.

Well, maybe this time,

for just one last fling
before I settle down.

Hazel, you've never had
a fling in your life.

- I know, but...
- Well, you're not the type.

I know.

I'm a virgin
once removed.

Well, maybe twice.

Aye, when was twice?

Never you mind when was twice.

- Is my hair all right?
- Yeah, it's fine.

Just simmer down.

Well, come on then, Hazel,
tell us when was twice?

He speaks English.

Oh, my God, he's heard
every word I said.

Turn your face,
stop looking at me.

Oh, no.

So that's knackered as well.

Oh, so can I have it today?

Today?

We're going to Amsterdam.

We're gonna make it
to Amsterdam.

We have the whole day
to take advantage

of the situation here.

Let me level with you.

I wouldn't mind screwing
the chunky one.

We'll call it the whim
of a dying man.

I'm a jock, we screw anything.

It's the warrior's creed.

Look, can I just
have it today, yes? Today?

Nice legs, that Hazel.

Look at the length of them,
like a fucking giraffe.

Just great.

Well, it's gonna be tomorrow
now, at least,

and I have to be back home
tomorrow because it's my job.

Well, where are you heading?

Uh, Hazel?

Hazel!

Oh!
Got it written down somewhere.

Hold.

Here it is.

Her fiance lives there.

Maureen, you don't have
to tell everybody.

Look, we can take you
as far as Amsterdam,

find you a hotel.

- Where are you two staying?
- The Paradise.

Oh.

That sounds like
a nice hotel. Sorry.

Maybe we could all stay there.

It's full.

But I'm sure we can
find you something.

But, look, it's early,
I mean, we got the whole day.

Hmm.

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

God.

Look, tell you what you do.

Why don't you just stand here?

Come here.

Right here.

On this spot here.

That's it.

Here?

And don't move.

Just stay there.

- I'm only trying to help.
- You're going to help.

Just stay there.

And peel the skin
of this salami,

like this, see?

You've got long fingers
and good nails.

You'll be all right.

I can do that.

Fingers.

Just stay there.

Don't move.

Till I'm finished.

Right.

It's all right, he's one of us.

- Why don't you sell tickets?
- No, it's... Maureen, he...

You had to come stomping in?

Lunch is ready.

Yeah, well, it couldn't wait
two minutes?

I didn't realize
you were in conference, Doctor.

Well, I told her
we're both doctors.

She wanted to know
why we had an ambulance.

- And she let you
talk her into...
- It wasn't easy.

Don't knock it,
I may call you in
for a second opinion.

Ah, shit.

Can we do something?

Something ordinary.

So we don't look like cripples?

In America, it's against
the law for men
to feed themselves,

so women are actually
supposed to pull the grapes
off of them to feed them.

I don't really
know how to eat myself,

so could you...

Yeah, one at a time.

What are you doing
with an ambulance?

We're mad scientists,
it's a fringe benefit.

Do you like blondes
or brunettes?

Ambulances?

Females.

I suppose basically
what I'm asking is

how do you feel about mousy?

You don't have
to answer that either.

I know how you feel about mousy,

I know how everybody
feels about mousy.

Especially me.

I like your shoes.

You have really nice shoes.

In my job, I get to see
a lot of shoes,

they leave them all
scattered about.

You're not really
a doctor, are you?

No.

Maureen said you weren't.

Him neither.

No.

He's just a keen amateur.

What's wrong?

What?

Sometimes you look...

Really sad.

Mind your own business, Hazel.

I'm not trying to pry.

If you want me to go,

just tell me to go.

Do you know what
the most terrifying thing
in the world is?

How beautiful things are.

It can
tear you to pieces.

I hated seeing him go.

There's something wrong.

I wish I could've been
a comfort to him.

Will you keep your mind
on what we came here for?

That's tomorrow.

A lot could happen
before tomorrow.

But I bet it won't.

Not unless we give it a push.

Don't know about you, Maureen,

but I feel like getting
really dressed up

and going out somewhere.

Like where?

The Hotel Paradise.

What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man, I've seen
some beaver shots,

- but that was...
- You were expecting
Mary Poppins.

What are you scared of?

Her thighs, man,

I'd never come out alive
from thighs like that.

- People do.
- Europeans, maybe.

Mmm.

I like a steak, you know,
I just don't like it raw,

a little dressing.

There are whores
for all tastes, ya twit,

except the romantic.

- Guess we made it, huh?
- Didn't we, though.

Now...

I expect you to crash in there,

go through all five floors
with the elan expected
of a racing cyclist.

He frowns at
the gates of Paradise?

And why does he frown?

Think it's such a great idea?

- It was your idea.
- I know. I know.

They're not all going to be
like that hammer thrower
back there.

There are elegant,
beautiful women
in a good brothel.

Hello, do you have a
bit of time?

- Hi.
- Jesus!

Rang your bell, did she?

She could play tunes
on the organ,
you wouldn't believe.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go
for a little walk around
the block, huh,

I gotta think about this.

Hey, why should we pay?

We're not staying the night,

we're just looking for
two fellas.

No, no, no, no.

Come back here immediately.

Sir, excuse me.

Oh, hello, you're very...

- Are you all right?
- Hazel!

Two French girls, get them.

Hi.

Do you wanna join us?

Excuse me.

Hazel, Hazel.

Hazel.

We came all this damned way.

We're having
a good time, aren't we?

Look, I just figure
we're gonna do better

with the type of girls
not likely to be coming
out of that door.

- It's all your fault.
- How am I supposed to know...

Hey.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

They're here.

Hello, I'm your doctor,
take your clothes off.

So you didn't go
to your fancy place then?

Nah, we just decided
to stay with friendly faces.

See? Told you
they weren't the type.

Love the dress, Hazel.

Looks terrible.

Looked all right in the shop.

- Well, don't go on about it.
- You said it looked all right
in the shop.

- It's all right.
- He doesn't like it.

Of course he likes it,
he's crazy about it.

Does it matter?

So, what are we all drinking?

Okay, so this is where we are.

And where does
your boyfriend live?

I'm sorry.

- Hazel.
- Mmm-hmm?

Will you get rid
of the shrubbery?

Don't pick on her.

It's like lying
in a fucking ambush.

- Language.
- It's all right,
I'll take it off.

I hate it anyway.

So where is it you wanna go?

Oh, it's, um...

Can't pronounce it.

See? Even golden balls
can't pronounce it.

Well, we'll look it up
in the index.

It's no good, it won't come off.

There's nothing
I can do about the flower,
it won't come off.

Just in case
anybody's interested.

- There it is.
- Is it far?

It is from Amsterdam.

- It's all right,
we can take you.
- We got that many days?

Listen, I wouldn't ask you,

but it's important.

What's so important?

It's personal,
keep your voice down.

She's pregnant.

You told them.

I asked you not to tell anybody.

You mean,

that's why you're here?

- To find the father?
- Yes.

You mean, there's some poor
touched sod in this
unpronounceable town

who's unaware he's about
to get a pregnant
eight-foot-tall flower pot

dumped on his doorstep?

Ah, might've known
you'd think it was funny.

Well, that's what
we came here for.

Looking for funny,
I've tried the alternative

and I don't like it,
I'm sorry, but I'm for funny.

Well, why didn't you say?

We'll not only take you,
we'll take you to the door.

Hell, just to see his face.

It's gonna be his lucky day,
surprise, surprise.

See who's at the door
in Dutch, will you?

"Of course, ja,

it's, um, the, the...

Mabel, isn't it?"

Oh, God.

Hazel, Hazel.

Of course, we are, it's Hazel,

good old Hazel.

Of course, you are, it's...

Hazel, all right.

My, what a big girl.

And what brings you
here, liebchen, all the way

from the good, old UK?

Ta-da.

So he knows you're pregnant,
so what?

So I just wish you hadn't
told him, that's all.

So, I've got a big mouth.

Will you stop
butting into everything?

I was trying to get us
a lift, wasn't I?

He thinks I'm a joke.

Oh, God.

- Oh...
- Just...

Just leave, I'll do it myself.

He doesn't think
you're a joke.

No.

Just an above average,
pregnant, tall girl

trying to pack
her knickers in a suitcase.

You shouldn't begrudge him
a laugh.

You think you're a joke?

You want a real laugh?

What?

No.

Oh.

The Netherlands

A large portion
of whose surface area

is below sea level.

It's a country I dearly adapted
for feeling depressed.

If there's a depression
around here, it's you.

I think I'm gonna write
to Carol proposing marriage.

Again?

In times of depression,
I always write to Carol

- proposing marriage.
- Christ, man.

Try suicide, it's quicker.

Not the way you do it.

She's a bitch.

That woman's a bitch.

Only when she's on her feet.

When she's off her feet,
she's...

Below average,
to tell you the truth.

She makes love

as if she'd rather
have gloves on.

Why do we fall
for women like that?

Well, now that you've faced it,
what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna write to Carol
proposing marriage.

Shit.

You know why, don't you?

Why you're attracted
to that closed-up bitch?

It's because you're
two of a kind.

It's not death that
you're all closed-up from.

It's life.

That pregnant eight-foot kid
offers you more warmth

than you can handle.

I'm reading you, Bancroft.

Life scares the shit out of you.

Spare me
the philosophy.

I'm gonna go see Maureen.

I need some warmth.

To his room?

You think I should
go to his room?

If I'm staying here,
you can't stay in this room.

What?

Hey.

I want
to have a bath and get changed.

That's a good idea.

- Do it in his room.
- No...

Maureen.

Can you pass my new things?

They're on the dressing table.

Maureen.

Does he know I'm not
very good at this?

For Christ's sake,
Hazel, just do your best.

Just as long as he realizes,
I mean...

I just want to be nice
for Bancroft.

If he has any damn sense,
he'll appreciate it.

Maureen.

I guess I'm going.

Duty calls.

Oh!

Bloody hell.

Sorry.

I wanted to look nice.

Well, it's different.

Please, can I use your bathroom?

Wanted to give you a night
to remember.

I'll remember.

Honest to God.

I'll remember.

"My darling..."

You don't have to knock
to come out of the bathroom.

Now what's the matter?

I think you're lovely, Bancroft.

Bancroft.

Now what?

Can you turn the light out?

You want to be
in total darkness?

Just till we get
to know each other.

It's out, it's out.

I'm coming out now.

I should bloody well
hope you are after
all that build up.

I just want
everything to be nice.

Ow! Oh.

Jesus Christ.

God.

The length of your legs.

Please put the light out.

You'll only walk
into the furniture.

You don't like
what I'm wearing, do ya?

No, it's very...

Honeymoon.

Why don't you save it
for that what's his face?

Well, I was going to.

He's not gonna know
it's been used once, is he?

Please, put the light out.

You think you're the one
that needs the light out?

Why don't we put out the light?

We don't have to.

- Don't normally wear
stuff like this.
- That's fine.

- Is it the fur?
- Don't worry about it.

I've never paid as much
for anything in
this line before.

Can you put your knees down?

Sorry.

I don't know who
the chambermaid is,
around here

but that's a really
clean bathroom.

I like a clean bathroom.

Who are you writing to?

Just a girl I'm gonna marry.

Is she standing by you?

Is that what girls
are supposed to do?

Well, if they're any good.

Nah, she couldn't
get away fast enough.

Do you want me to hold you?

If you promise
not to break anything.

I'll look after you tonight.

After that, it's up to her.

What's wrong?

What's the matter?

I think your fur's coming out.

Oh, God.

Oh.

No need to worry.

Big day for some Dutchman, huh?

Finds this pregnant
eight-foot flowerpot
on his doorstep.

He could do worse.

You had a good night?

Yeah.

I had a very good night.

Jesus Christ.

Kneel down.

Look.

- What did you do to him?
- I combed it all and got some
glue from downstairs

and look, this is
from the dress,

and the pink Mallard is
from his sharp shoes.

59, there it is,
that's the one.

No, don't
park it outside.

It'll give somebody
heart failure.

I think someone's gonna get
heart failure anyway.

It's a great town.

Cool. You'll be all right
living here.

Living here?

Well, he'll have his job here.
He can't just give it up.

Not with a family on the way.

I hadn't thought
about living here.

Well, it's about time
you started thinking about it.

It's a really nice town.

Oh, God, Maureen, I feel

tall enough in England,
I shall feel twice as big
in Dutch.

What am I gonna say?

Well, look, you'll think
of something, okay?

Now don't worry, now go on.

You want to marry him,
don't you?

That's him.

Cool. He looks
really respectable.

He's not as nice-looking
as I thought he was.

Bye, Papa.

Ta-ta, bye.

God, you silly sod, Hazel.

What will you do?

I'm gonna keep it.

And Dad will kill me,
but I'm gonna keep it.

Good luck with your girl.

Get a move on, Hazel.

Yeah, I'm coming.

Go.

I don't care
for how short a time,

if she don't marry you,
she's crazy.

Leave me alone,
I'll be all right.

How long has this
been coming on?

Don't put me
in some cheapo room.

Oh, Christ.

He should be moved to hospital.

Will they save him?

Then he stays here.

I want the best medical
attention and I'd like you
to stay on call.

Taking care of him
will be tiring and unpleasant.

- Who would do this?
- I will.

You have the same condition.

Not so bad, I think.

It's time for your water.

Keep coming, come on.
Up you go.

There you go.

Come on, take it easy.

Lie back.

Come on.

Good morning.

How do you do?

Welcome.

- Shall we move this
out of the way?
- Leave it.

That's the best man.

How are you, son?

Hello, Dad.

Mother.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
in the sight of God,

in the face of this congregation

to join together
this man and woman...

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