Original subtitles

COME ON, HONEY,

GIVE DADDY THE BLANKET.

LISTEN, THIS IS GOING TO BE

A FUN PARTY WITH CAKE AND ICE CREAM,

BUT LITTLE GIRLS

WITH WET BLANKETS CAN'T GO.

GIVE IT TO DADDY.

DO THIS--LEAVE THE BLANKET HERE,

I'LL ADVANCE YOU ALL OF YOUR ALLOWANCE

TILL YOU'RE 40. FAIR ENOUGH?

THAT BLANKET IS NOT GOING IN THIS CAR.

MOM!

NO, NOT THIS TIME.

THIS IS A BRAND NEW $25,000 BMW 325 E.5

WITH LEATHER INTERIOR.

TOM, IT'S JUST A CAR.

COME ON. I JUST ARMOR-ALLed THE SEATS.

GOT ANY 8s?

GO FISH.

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS TAKE HER SO LONG?

JUST THINK OF HER AS A WORK IN PROGRESS.

AH!

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

DO STARS TWINKLE?

EVER TRIED PUTTING PANTYHOSE ON

WITH WET NAILS?

IT'S A BITCH.

I FORGOT MY SAMPLE CASE.

TISH, WE'LL BE LATE.

WE ARE LATE.

BE CAREFUL.

TOM.

GET OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU...

BE CAREFUL, TOM!

YAY!

[CHURCH BELL RINGS]

COME ON. COME ON.

CONGRATULATIONS, MAMA.

OH, WASN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL SERMON?

BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

OH, NO! RICE MEANS FERTILITY, GOD FORBID.

♪ DA DA DA DA DA BAMBA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA BAMBA ♪

♪ THIS GREAT SONG WITH THIS WONDERFUL RHYTHM ♪

♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL RHYTHM, AND YOU CAN FEEL IT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ♪

♪ YES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ♪

♪ COME ON AND DANCE ♪

♪ COME ON AND DANCE, COME ON AND DANCE ♪

♪ WHEN THE STARS MEET THE HEAVENS ♪

♪ WHEN THE STARS MEET THE HEAVENS ♪

♪ THE SKY WILL SHINE ♪

♪ AND ALL NIGHT LONG, THE SKY WILL SHINE... ♪

BAD TITS.

NO ASS.

YEAH.

SO, TOM,

YOU STILL SELLING SUBARUS?

KIRBY, I SELL BMWs.

I JUST HAPPEN TO WORK OUT

OF A SUBARU SHOWROOM.

OHH.

LOOK AT HER.

WHAT A PIG.

HERE WE ARE, SAFE AND SOUND.

AAH!

I KNOW, WE GOT TO GET A CAR.

IT'S ON MY LIST.

I DRIED MY HAIR IN FRONT OF THE TV,

AND IT'S FULL OF ELECTRICITY.

MITCH, PLEASE, STOP.MITCH, DON'T DO THAT. C'MON.

YOUR COUSINS, TOBY AND MARY,

DO THEY HAVE A BOY OR A GIRL?

UH, ONE OR THE OTHER.

GO! GO! GO! GO!

MAMA! MAMA, GO!

[LAUGHS]

[CHEERS]

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

MANY HAPPY YEARS TOGETHER.

JESUS, WHO IS THAT?

WE'D LIKE TO DO A COMPOSITION OF OUR OWN.

EH, YOU TAKE AWAY THE CLOTHES AND THE MAKE-UP,

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

A GORGEOUS NAKED WOMAN.

AH!

LARRY!

CONGRATULATIONS, UNCLE PHIL.

ISN'T SHE SOMETHING, HUH?

EDIE, IF YOU'RE AS WONDERFUL AS HE SAYS,

LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW.

I'M GOING TO MARRY YOU.

THIS IS LARRY'S BEAUTIFUL WIFE, TRISH.

CONGRATULATIONS.

AND THIS MONSTER HERE IS MITCHIE.

EASY ON THE MOUSSE, UNCLE PHIL.

HI, MITCH.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO WORK FOR ME?

I JUST DON'T SEE AN INTELLECTUAL,

ALBEIT, MUSCULAR GUY LIKE MYSELF

WORKING IN A JUNKYARD.

BELIEVE ME. THERE'S A FUTURE IN GARBAGE.

BY THE YEAR 2000, THERE WILL BE

NO PLACE LEFT FOR HUMAN REFUSE.

GET IN WHILE THE MARKET'S OPEN.

DON'T SAY NOTHING. SLEEP ON IT.

WE'LL TALK, OK?

IT'S ON MY LIST, UNCLE PHIL.

YOUR LIST?

I GOT YOUR LIST.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE-- ATTENTION, PLEASE.

I WANT TO MAKE A TOAST

TO THIS LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE.

FOR MOST OF US,

TO FIND LOVE ONCE IN A LIFETIME,

WE'RE LUCKY.

BUT FOR THESE TWO

TO FIND LOVE AGAIN LATER IN LIFE...

SO, EDIE,

ON BEHALF OF MY FAMILY, WE ARE GRATEFUL,

BECAUSE MY UNCLE PHIL,

WHILE ONE OF THE GREAT MEN IN GARBAGE,

HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN SO KEEN ON PERSONAL HYGIENE.

THAT IS, UNTIL HE MET YOU.

SO,

I WILL NOW, AHEM, DISROBE

AND PLAY A CELTIC CLASSIC BALLAD

ON MY LOVE FLUTE.

SHUT UP!

MY NEPHEW LARRY'S MAKING A TOAST.

OH.

UH, THANK YOU, UNCLE PHIL.

EVEN THE BAND STOPPED.

UM...

WELL, I WAS UH...

EXCUSE ME. I WAS, UH...

TRYING TO, UH, MAKE A TOAST HERE, UM...

WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS THIS IS, UH...

THIS OCCASION'S MORE THAN A WEDDING.

WELL, IT'S A LOVE STORY.

IT'S...

I'M DYING HERE.

IT'S THE, UH... IT'S THE STORY...

♪ IT'S THE STORY ♪

♪ OF A LOVELY LADY ♪

♪ WHO WAS LIVING, HAD THREE LOVELY GIRL SISTERS ♪

♪ EACH OF THEM HAD HAIR LIKE THEIR MOTHER ♪

WHAT'S THE REAL COLOR OF HER HAIR ANYWAY?

WHAT YEAR?

MAKE UP YOUR OWN VERSE!

♪ IT'S THE STORY ♪

♪ OF PHIL KOZINSKI ♪

♪ WHO WAS LIVING IN A GARBAGE DUMP ALONE ♪

ANYWAY. ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, TO LIFE...

TO LOVE...

TO PHIL AND EDIE.

LARRY...

I'M TOUCHED.

[BELCHES]

SUCH A WONDERFUL NEPHEW.

SUCH A WONDERFUL BRIDE.

I DON'T DESERVE HER.

YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU BASTARD!

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

KISS ME WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.

OH, YEAH? WHERE'S THAT?

I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE.

WAIT.

[DRUM ROLL]

[BAND PLAYS STRIP TEASE MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERS]

IT'S ALL MINE!

MY BROTHER ANGELO JUST ROLLED OVER IN HIS GRAVE.

YOU'RE CRAZY!

CRAZY WITH LOVE!

RIGHT LEG!

♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN ♪

♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG OUT ♪

♪ YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN ♪

♪ AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY ♪

♪ AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT ♪

ALL OF THESE PRODUCTS ARE NATURAL,

AND THEY'RE COORDINATED

TO GO WITH YOUR INDIVIDUAL COLORING.

YOU'RE A "FALL"-- SOFT AMBERS AND MAGENTA.

AND YOU'RE A "SUMMER"-- YELLOWS...BLUES.

AND YOU, YOU'RE A "SPRING."

YOU SHOULD BE IN PINK.

DARLING, I'M A WIDOW 30 YEARS,

AND I ONLY WEAR BLACK.

AND ON YOU, IT WORKS.

CLASSIC.

♪ TURN YOURSELF AROUND ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT ♪

LOOK AT THEM. LOOK AT HER.

SHE BURIED MY BROTHER ONLY FIVE YEARS AGO.

LOOK AT HER. SHE KILLED HIM.

WHAT?

KILLED HIM BY PUTTING BUTTER IN HIS FOOD.

LISTEN TO ME, KEVIN, I'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THIS!

NOW'S NOT THE TIME.

YOU CANCELED THE CHECK.

YOU DIDN'T FIX THE CAR!

IT DIED DRIVING HOME!

YOU OWE ME MONEY!

YOU OWE ME A CAR!

YOU'RE A LIAR.YOU'RE A CHEAT!

SHITHEAD! COME ON!

TAKE IT EASY.

COME ON!

JUST RELAX. RELAX!

TAKE IT EASY.

YOUR COUSIN'S AN ASSHOLE.

JUST TAKE IT EASY.

GET SOME HELP, TOM.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

UP CLOSE, SHE DOESN'T LOOK SO YOUNG.

[BAND PLAYS THE THEME FROM THE GODFATHER]

YOU'RE SAYING YOUR PARENTS LET YOU COME HERE TODAY,

AND THEY NEVER WARNED YOU ABOUT THE WEDDING KILLER?

NO. NO. NO.

OK. YOU SEE THERE'S THIS GUY, UM...

FRED, I THINK HIS NAME IS--

AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT ON HIM.

ON THE DAY OF HER WEDDING TO THIS OTHER GUY,

FRED SHOWED UP,

AND HE HAD A MACHETE.

HE CHOPPED HER HEAD OFF.

THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE,

AND THEN HE SLICED THE GROOM'S GUTS OPEN,

RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE,

AND THIS STUFF SPILLED OUT

THAT LOOKED LIKE, UH...SPAGHETTI.

EW! GROSS!

HE RIPPED HER HEART OUT

WHILE IT WAS STILL BEATING,

AND HE ATE IT!

EW! EW! EW!

WAIT. WAIT.

AND NOW HE GOES FROM WEDDING TO WEDDING

MACHETEING UP EVERYBODY INTO LITTLE PIECES.

KIDS, TOO?

ESPECIALLY KIDS.

IT'S TIME TO GO.

THAT WAS SWEET OF YOU

TO TELL THEM STORIES, MITCH.

THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

AAH! AAH!

OH.

COME ON, CHILDREN.

CHILDREN, OUTSIDE.

BYE-BYE.

BYE-BYE.

SEND A CARD!

OK, I'LL CALL YOU.

DAD, I CAN'T FIND HER ANYWHERE.

I GOT PLANS TONIGHT.

HARRY, CAN YOU GIVE MY KID A LIFT HOME?

COME ALONG.

GREAT. AS DADS GO, YOU'RE OK.

HOME BY 10:00.

MITCH, HOME BY 10:00.

BYE.

GOODBYE.

SHE'S GOING TO COME BACK SOON

FROM HER HONEYMOON.

HI.

HI.

I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY MATE.

ME, TOO.

I'M SURE I CAME IN WITH ONE.

NICE WEDDING.

MM-HMM.

I'M PHIL'S NEPHEW.

I KNOW, I'M EDIE'S, UM--

I KNOW.

LARRY.

I'M MARIA. CHLOE.

HI, CHLOE.

ARE YOU COLD, SWEETHEART?

YEAH.

WHY DON'T WE GO INSIDE?

YES. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

[SINGING]

HA HA HA! YOU SHOULD BE A SINGER.

OH, THANKS.

I'LL TRY.

YOUR WIFE IS VERY BEAUTIFUL.

HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED LONG?

COUPLE OF YEARS. YOU?

ALMOST 11.

OOH.

WE WERE MARRIED YOUNG.

WORK?

YES. HE SELLS CARS.

SUBARUS.

NO, DO YOU WORK?

ME? YES. I'M A LEGAL SECRETARY.

AHH.

AND YOU?

I TEACH BALLROOM DANCING.

REALLY?

WOULD YOU HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSED

IF I SAID I WAS A SECURITIES ANALYST?

BECAUSE MY FIRST WIFE WAS.

FATHER, HOWEVER, WAS MORE IMPRESSED

WHEN I WAS A REAL ESTATE BROKER.

MY FIRST WIFE'S FRIENDS LIKED THAT, TOO.

EVERYBODY WAS IMPRESSED BUT ME.

AND YOU PLAY THE PIANO, TOO.

NO.

TRUMPET.

ARE YOU REALLY A DANCE TEACHER?

HERE YOU GO. THIS...

ENTITLES YOU TO ONE FREE LESSON.

I'M NOT A VERY GOOD DANCER.

THAT'S OK.

I'M NOT A VERY GOOD TEACHER.

I BET I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO DANCE.

OH, YOU'RE SO LIGHT.

YOU'RE VERY GOOD WITH CHILDREN.

MY JOB GIVES ME A LOT OF TIME

TO SPEND WITH MY SON.

THE ONE WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA?

UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER AND PHIL...

THEY ARE SO SWEET.

I FELT LIKE CRYING, BUT I COULDN'T.

I NEVER CAN.

WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?

PEOPLE TELL DANCE TEACHERS THINGS.

THANK YOU, MADAM. LOVELY.

NOBODY TOLD ME ANYTHING WHEN I WAS IN SECURITIES.

WHOO!

HOW MANY JOBS DID YOU HAVE?

I CHANGE EVERY FEW YEARS.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE I MIGHT BE SUCCESSFUL,

I MOVE ON.

YOU DON'T WANT SUCCESS?

I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

WE'RE GETTING PERSONAL HERE.

YOU'RE LEARNING ALL OF MY SECRETS.

I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT YOU.

NOT AN INTERESTING PERSON.

CHRIST, YOU-- HOW YOU DOING?

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO US.

THE CAR BROKE DOWN.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

JESUS, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THIS LATE.

TOM WAS JUST GIVING ME A TEST DRIVE.

WE LOST TRACK OF TIME.

TOM SELLS BMWs.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE SUBARUS.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A NEW CAR.

WE ARE, AREN'T WE, HONEY?

YOUR WIFE AND I DISCUSSED CARS

AT PRICES YOU CAN AFFORD.

NOT JUST ANY CAR.

WE'RE TALKING BAVARIAN MOTOR WORKS.

I THINK A BMW IS OUT OF OUR RANGE.

MMM.

BESIDES THEY'RE BREAKING DOWN ALL THE TIME.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGH]

AS SOON AS SHE SAID

THEY WERE CONSIDERING BUYING A CAR,

I KNEW IF I COULD GET HER BEHIND THE WHEEL--

BINGO--SALE, COMMISSION, FULL STICKER PRICE.

THEN THE CAR BREAKS DOWN.

IN SALES, YOU HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON THE WOMAN.

WOMEN ALWAYS LIKED YOU, TOM.

YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?

WHY SHOULDN'T I?

YOU'RE MY HUSBAND.

[TRUMPET PLAYS]

PHIL'S WORTH A LOT OF MONEY.

YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM UP ON HIS OFFER.

YOU'RE GREAT AT COLLECTING JUNK.

YOU'D WIND UP RUNNING THE COMPANY.

MY PSYCHIC MRS. WONG

IS ENCOURAGING ME TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

SHE SAYS A LOT

OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN GET DEPRESSED

BECAUSE THEY THINK PEOPLE SEE NOTHING

BUT THEIR LOOKS.

SHE THINKS I HAVE SENSITIVITY

AND TALENT, LARRY.

SHE SAYS THAT.

MRS. WONG'S WIGHT.

I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT MORE OFTEN. I'M SORRY.

WOULD YOU STILL SLAY A DRAGON FOR ME?

MAYBE A BABY DRAGON.

MRS. WONG GAVE ME A SELF-IMPROVEMENT TAPE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?

NOT RIGHT NOW.

LARRY...

I WOULDN'T HURT YOU FOR ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME?

WE NEVER DANCE ANYMORE.

[CRASH]

HEY, MITCH.

[DOOR SLAMS]

♪ SUNDAY, MONDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ THURSDAY, FRIDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ SATURDAY, WHAT A DAY ♪

REMEMBER THE GUY ON THE NEWS

WHO PLAYED OZZY OSBORNE TOO MUCH?

HIS PARENTS SUED BECAUSE HE BECAME A MURDERER.

AUNT IRENE'S THINKING OF SUING

BECAUSE COUSIN DONALD LISTENED TO BARRY MANILOW OVER AND OVER,

AND HE BECAME A FLORIST.

AAH!

THAT BAD, HUH?

WHAT'S UP?

IT'S THE BLONDE ON THE BLUE BICYCLE, ISN'T IT?

SHUT UP.

THE BLONDE WHOSE INITIALS ARE ON YOUR VANS.

SHUT UP.

WHEN I WATCH YOU PLAY SOCCER,

THE GUYS GO FOR GATORADE AT BREAK,

YOU TALK TO THE BLONDE.

SHUT UP. YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

I COULD GIVE YOU THE GIRL'S POINT OF VIEW.

TISH, KISS MY SQUIRREL.

HEY, WE'LL HAVE NO SQUIRREL-KISSING HERE TONIGHT.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

I THINK I SHOULD SPEND TIME WITH MITCH ALONE.

KISS MY SQUIRREL?

HEY, COME ON.

[BELCHES]

THAT'S NICE.

REPEAT SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

I APPROVE OF MYSELF.

I APPROVE OF MYSELF.

YOU'RE NOT THROWING IT QUITE HARD ENOUGH.

I HATE LEONARD PEARSON.

WHO?

LEONARD PEARSON. IN MY CLASS.

HE FOLLOWS ME AROUND ALL THE TIME.

YOU SHOULDN'T HATE ANYBODY, CHLOE.

HE TELLS EVERYONE HE LOVES ME.

BUT THAT IS SWEET.

YOU BE SWEET TO HIM, OK?

BYE.

BYE, MOM.

LEONARD!

AAH!

HI, TOM.

BERNADETTE...

LOOK, I'M SORRY,

BUT WE HAVE TO STOP SEEING EACH OTHER.

WHAT?

IT'S JUST GETTING TOO SERIOUS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[DOOR SLAMS]

HI. UH... I'LL BE WITH YOU

IN A MINUTE, OK, TOM?

HOW'S YOUR FAMILY?

OLGA, LISTEN...

ABOUT US...

HA HA HA!

♪ YOU'VE GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND ♪

HA HA HA!

I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.

LIGHTEN UP, TOM.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO THE DRIVER.

AHEM.

EXCUSE ME JUST ONE MOMENT.

HI.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

WHO?

YOUR HUSBAND. ABOUT US.

NOTHING.GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY.

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT THE CONFESSIONAL TYPE.

YOU'RE A WHOLE LOT DIFFERENT

THAN YOU WERE LAST NIGHT.

LAST NIGHT NEVER HAPPENED, UNDERSTAND?

I'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.

I'VE CLEANED UP MY ACT. NO MORE WOMEN.

LAST NIGHT NEVER HAPPENED, UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU EVER SAY IT DID,

OR USE THE "F" WORD ABOUT US,

IF EVEN THE "FUH" SOUNDS COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH,

I WILL DENOUNCE YOU AS A LIAR

AND A HOME-WRECKER, UNDERSTAND?

MISS!

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GET BACK TO HER

OR HER EYELINER WILL CAKE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HAVE AN IQ IN THE TRIPLE DIGITS.

WHAT WORD DO YOU THINK I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND?

OK. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTOOD.

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK UNDERWEAR?

YES.

WANT TO MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER?

KISS MY SQUIRREL.

SO THEY DROVE TO A SHOPPING MALL

AND PARKED IN BACK OF A SUPERMARKET

BEHIND A DUMPSTER IN OUR CAR

THAT I MAKE PAYMENTS ON BY SWEATING MY ASS OFF

SO SHE CAN SWEAT HERS OFF INSIDE IT!

SORRY.

THAT CAR WAS ROCKING

LIKE AN OUT-OF-WHACK WASHING MACHINE.

I WENT CRAZY. I--

ARE YOU GETTING THIS, MARIA?

YES, I AM, MR. BREGMAN.

OK.

I DECIDED TO KILL HER, BUT I COULDN'T.

I LOVE HER.

SO I SHAVED HER HEAD,

AND NOW SEE IF HE WANTS HER.

THAT IS WHY YOUR WIFE

IS SUING YOU FOR DIVORCE, MR. DIONNE?

LOVE IS SHIT.

MARRIAGE IS SHIT.

YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING HERE LISTENING

TO YOU EDITORIALIZE.

WELL, FUCK YOU, MONEYBAGS, HEY?

MY FAVORITE PART-- BOING!

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT. REMEMBER--

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY.

NO, NO. WE'RE DOING THE CHA-CHA HERE.

ALL RIGHT. REMEMBER, LADIES,

IT'S OK TO SMILE...

ESPECIALLY AT MY JOKES.

READY AND...

CHA-CHA-CHA.

SWIVEL, SWIVEL.

FORWARD, BACK, FORWARD.

I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

HIT HIM, MAGGIE, IF HE DOES THAT RIGHT.

READY AND CHA-CHA-CHA.

SWIVEL, SWIVEL.

FORWARD, CROSS, FORWARD.

WHO'S LEADING HERE?

OK, YOU LEAD. YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB.

I WANT THESE SUSPENDERS.

READY AND CHA-CHA-CHA.

SWIVEL, SWIVEL.

FORWARD, CROSS, FORWARD.

UP 6, 7, 8.

AND 1...

2, 3, 4...

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ME OUT OF WORK.

YOU'RE TOO GOOD.

ONE MORE TIME.

READY AND...

CHA-CHA-CHA.

OH, MY GOD. NO, NO, NO.

LET ME SHOW YOU AGAIN.

ONE MORE TIME, EVERYBODY.

MRS. GREENBLATT.

HA HA. YOU LOOK MAHVELOUS.

MAGNIFICENT. A THING OF BEAUTY.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

OK, THAT'S IT. TIME'S UP, EVERYBODY.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

YES, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

GOODBYE. GET OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CRAZY GUYS.

THANKS. GET NEW SHOES.

THOSE ARE NOT GOING TO WORK.

OH, DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR CHECKS NEXT WEEK.

HI.

HI.

YOU CAME FOR YOUR FREE LESSON.

NO, IT'S MY LUNCH BREAK.

I THOUGHT WE COULD TALK.

MEXICAN?

IT'S TOO HEAVY.

HOW CAN I SAY THIS?

WELL, WORDS ARE GOOD.

THEY HAVE FRIED OCTOPUS?

NO, I HAD THAT FOR BREAKFAST.

THIS IS DIFFICULT.

OH, COME ON. IT'S ONLY LUNCH.

BURGERS.

NO, TOO OBVIOUS.

LARRY? I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DO I THINK

THAT YOUR HUSBAND AND MY WIFE SLEPT TOGETHER?

THANK YOU.

IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME A LOT LONGER.

WELL, I ONLY HAVE AN HOUR FOR LUNCH.

AH...SPUDS INTERNATIONAL.

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED ON A POTATO.

THEY HAD ONE WITH A BUICK ON IT.

DO YOU THINK THEY DID?

I DON'T KNOW. ONLY THEY KNOW.

YOU DON'T SEEM UPSET ABOUT IT.

SEX ISN'T A BIG DEAL.

WHETHER THEY HAD SEX OR NOT, SOMETHING HAPPENED.

HEY, I BELIEVE IN PEOPLE'S FREEDOM OF CHOICE.

TISH NEEDS TO BE HER OWN PERSON.

WHAT PEOPLE DO IS THEIR BUSINESS.

THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO MARRIAGE.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO MAKE.

AND GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE FREE TO MAKE IT.

GREAT. WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER,

AND WE'RE GETTING OUR FIRST ARGUMENT OUT OF THE WAY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT THAT FREEDOM STUFF?

YES.

NO! OH, GOD, I'M SO FULL OF SHIT!

I'D LIKE TO KILL THEM BOTH!

I'M SORRY.

[YELLING IN CHINESE]

I'LL PAY FOR IT.

NO, IT'S MY FAULT.

I'LL PAY. I BROKE THE FISH.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.

NO, WAIT-- HOW MUCH?

NEVER--NEVER MIND.

WAIT, WAIT.

PLEASE, I'M, UH... I'M VERY SORRY.

WHOA. IT WASN'T EASY

FOR YOU TO COME SEE ME TODAY, WAS IT?

NO.

ARE YOU OK?

NO, I'M NOT OK.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T CRY, DO YOU?

OR HIT FISH.

OH, GOD.

OOH, JEEZ.

TOM LATELY HAS BEEN REALLY UPSET ABOUT WORK.

THEY HAVE CONTESTS-- WHO SELLS THE MOST CARS.

HE LOST HIS TRIP TO LAS VEGAS.

THAT'S A GOOD REASON TO HUMP MY WIFE.

I'M SORRY.

TISH IS A GOOD PERSON.

SHE WANTS APPRECIATION FOR MORE THAN HER LOOKS.

SHE'S WORRIED PEOPLE THINK SHE'S DUMB.

SHE'S NOT. TOM'S VERY VULNERABLE TO FEMALE FLATTERY.

YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR WIFE.

ALL RIGHT. SO, HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?

WE MET IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HE WAS A BIG ATHLETE.

HE HAD THIS RED CAR HE WAS PROUD OF.

GIRLS WERE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

I JUST CAME TO THIS COUNTRY,

AND I WAS VERY SHY.

HE SAID SOMETHING RIGHT,

BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM.

NO. I WAS THE ONLY GIRL

WHO WOULDN'T GO TO SLEEP WITH HIM.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I THOUGHT TISH WOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN MY FIRST WIFE.

SURPRISE. TURNS OUT SHE'S THE BRIDE OF BLOOMINGDALE'S.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

YOU WANT TO CONFRONT THEM?

THEY'LL JUST DENY IT.

WE COULD SHAVE THEIR HEADS.

WHAT?

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK. I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY IF I SPOILED YOUR DAY.

IT WAS NICE NOT HAVING LUNCH WITH YOU.

BYE.

GOODBYE, MARIA.

HE SAID, "NO WAY."

SWEETHEART, I'M GOING TO PUT YOUR FLOWERS

IN A VASE.

YOU COULD DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX, DADDY?

WHAT'S THIS?

OPEN IT.

AND TONIGHT I'M GOING TO MAKE

MY WORLD FAMOUS GARLIC CHICKEN PAMPLONA.

YAY!

I'LL EVEN CLEAN UP

AFTER I USE EVERY POT IN THE HOUSE.

I PROMISE.

TOM, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

NOTHING. JUST US.

ALL OF US TOGETHER.

JUST ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A FAMILY.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

FINE.

I HAD LUNCH WITH LARRY KOZINSKI.

WHO?

LARRY KOZINSKI.

I HAD LUNCH WITH HIM TODAY.

SWEETHEART, DON'T.

WHY? UH...WHAT FOR?

WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?

MMM, NOTHING SPECIAL.

WAS IT A NICE LUNCH?

MM-HMM, VERY NICE.

WELL...THAT'S FINE. THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S OK. I'M GLAD YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

GOOD OLD LARRY.

LUNCH...NICE.

MITCHIE IS-- WHAT IS IT YOU ARE, MITCHIE?

I'M A MULTIMEDIA ARTIST,

BUT MY EMPHASIS IS ON VIDEO.

I'M SO EXCITED.

YAY! OOH!

♪ SUNDAY, MONDAY, HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ THURSDAY, FRIDAY, HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ THE WEEKEND COMES ♪

♪ THE CYCLE HUMS ♪

♪ READY TO RACE TO YOU ♪

♪ THESE DAYS ARE OURS ♪

♪ HAPPY AND FREE ♪

♪ THESE DAYS ARE OURS ♪

♪ SHARE THEM WITH ME ♪

♪ GOODBYE GRAY SKIES, HELLO BLUE ♪

♪ NOTHING CAN HURT ME WHEN I HOLD YOU ♪

♪ FEELS SO RIGHT ♪

♪ IT CAN'T BE WRONG ♪

♪ ROCKIN' AND ROLLIN' ALL WEEK LONG...♪

THAT'S HER.

SHOWING A LITTLE CLEAVAGE, SO WHAT?

♪ SUNDAY, MONDAY HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ THURSDAY, FRIDAY, HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ SATURDAY, WHAT A DAY ♪

♪ GROOVIN' ALL WEEK WITH YOU ♪

♪ THESE DAYS ARE OURS ♪

♪ SHARE THEM WITH ME ♪

♪ OH, HAPPY DAYS ♪

♪ THESE DAYS ARE OURS ♪

♪ HAPPY AND FREE...♪

OH! BOO!

♪ NOTHING CAN HURT ME WHEN I HOLD YOU... ♪

GOD DAMN LIAR! THIEF!

♪ ROCKIN' AND ROLLIN' ALL WEEK LONG ♪

WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, CUT!

CUT!

LIGHTS!

THANK YOU.

UNCLE TOM, YOU DID THE WRONG THING.

HOW ABOUT LUNCH, EH?

YOU ARE A VERY SICK YOUNG MAN.

ALIENATION...

GREAT.

INTERESTING WORK, MITCH.

THANKS, DAD.

YEAH.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING MY WIFE TO LUNCH?

ACTUALLY, WE DIDN'T HAVE LUNCH.

WE TOOK A WALK,

BUT MY FEET BROKE DOWN,

SO WE WERE LATE GETTING BACK.

THEY KNOW.

THEY KNOW ABOUT US.

[BUNNY HOPMUSIC PLAYS]

WORK IN GARBAGE ALL WEEK,

ENJOY NATURE ON THE WEEKENDS.

HERE WE GO-- OOH, OOH, OOH.

ALL RIGHT NOW, FASTER.

TELL ME ABOUT LARRY.

LARRY, LARRY.

I'VE ASKED HIM A MILLION TIMES

TO COME INTO THE BUSINESS,

BUT HE WANTS TO CHANGE JOBS...

DANCE.

TO ME--AND I SAY THIS WITH LOVE, MARIA--

LARRY IS A FAILURE

IN EVERYTHING EXCEPT LIFE.

COME! DANCE WITH ME!

YES.

WILD WOMAN.

COME ON, COME ON.

SHOW HER HOW TO DO IT, GIRLS.

THEY WERE...

AW--AW, DON'T...

NO. YOU GO.

OH, WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU.

WHO'S SHOE?

PHIL, DO YOU WANT SOME CAKE?

PHIL?

PHIL?

COME ON, ASSHOLE. COME ON!

LARRY, SOMETHING'S WRONG.

ONE SHOT, MAN. THAT'S ALL IT WILL TAKE.

[WHISTLES]

I WON'T HAVE THIS. STOP. STOP.

STOP IT, TOM, STOP IT!

BUT, MAMA...

PHIL!

PHIL...

PHIL!

AMORE MIO.

DON'T LEAVE ME.

[SOBBING]

SO THAT EVEN THOUGH I WALK

THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,

I FEAR NO EVIL FOR THOU ART WITH ME.

THY ROD AND THY STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME.

THOU PREPAREST A TABLE BEFORE ME

IN THE PRESENCE OF MINE ENEMIES.

MY CUP OVERFLOWS.

SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME

ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE,

AND I SHALL DWELL

IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.

LET US PRAY.

OH, GOD, WHOSE DAYS ARE WITHOUT AN END...

GIVE ME MY 50 CENTS.

TAKE YOUR DIME, SPORT.

JUST A LOUSY FARE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, HUH,

A GOD DAMN TOURIST?

CHEAPSKATE.

POP, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CALL.

FOR WHAT, A RIDE ON YOUR MOTORCYCLE?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, SON.

GOOD GOD. IS THIS MITCHIE?

HOW YOU DOING, GRANDPA?

I'LL BE DAMNED!

YOU'RE GETTING TO BE A BIG MAN, HUH?

YEAH.

LET'S GO.

NO--NO. YOU GO AHEAD.

NO, I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE.

AT MY AGE,

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET TOO CLOSE

TO AN OPEN GRAVE.

SO, GRANDPA,

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T COME TO THE CHURCH?

UH, GOD MAKES ME NERVOUS

WHEN YOU GET HIM INDOORS.

I DON'T LIKE TO SEE PEOPLE IN COFFINS.

THEY ALWAYS LOOK SMALLER

WITHOUT THEIR SPIRITS.

I WAS GOING TO BRING YOU A GIFT, BUT I FORGOT.

THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE ONE OF THESE, HUH?

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT,

HOT PATTY'S PAJAMA PARTY

OR GIRLS WITH BIG JUGS?

EAT. THERE'S CASSEROLES, CAKES.

I HAVE TURKEY TETRAZZINI COMING OUT THE WAZOO.

PHIL, PHIL. EVERYONE LOVED HIM SO.

DID YOU SEE THE WREATH

THE BOYS FROM THE JUNKYARD SENT?

LARRY, WAS IT ME?

WAS I TOO MUCH FOR HIM?

NO, HE WAS THE HAPPIEST HE'D EVER BEEN.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FATHER, VINCE.

MY SYMPATHIES. SORRY I MISSED YOUR WEDDING.

MY HERNIA PREVENTED IT.

EDIE, I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

WE ARE STILL FAMILY

EVEN THOUGH PHIL IS GONE.

DON'T BE A STRANGER.

I WON'T. I PROMISE.

SEE YOU LATER. BYE, POPS.

NOBODY TAKES A DAY OFF

WHEN A MAN DIES ANYMORE?

JESUS!

YOU KNOW, FUNERALS MAKE WOMEN REALLY HORNY.

I NEVER KNEW PHIL WELL,

BUT THIS IS GREAT TURKEY TETRAZZINI.

HERE, MOMMY.

OH, THANK YOU.

LOOK, I GOT TO GO SHOW A CAR.

AS LONG AS CHLOE'S STAYING OVERNIGHT,

MEET ME ABOUT 7:30, AND WE'LL EAT OUT.

IF MAMA DOESN'T NEED ME.

WELL, IF YOUR MOM DOESN'T NEED YOU,

MAYBE YOU CAN MEET ME AT THE SHOWROOM.

IF MAMA DOESN'T NEED ME, I'LL BE THERE.

OK.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED.

YOU WAIT, YOU SEE.

YOU'LL GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS,

HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.

DON'T EAT TOO MUCH BUTTER THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO?

KILL SOMEONE.

WHAT?

CALMLY PLAN A MURDER.

CHOOSE THE VICTIM.

MAYBE EVEN SOMEONE POLITICAL--

SO I COULD DO THE WORLD SOME GOOD, YOU KNOW.

I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT FOR A FEW YEARS.

IT'S NO DUMBER THAN GETTING MARRIED

AND GOING TO WORK EVERY DAY.

IT MUST BE MORE FUN.

NO NOS SPOSTATO.

MR. ZEE, I'M GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE GETTING BACK.

IT'S HARD TO RUSH A FUNERAL.

AS SOON AS I CAN.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

GET IN.

I THINK YOU FORGOT TO SAY PLEASE.

JUST GET IN THE CAR, WILL YOU?

OH, YOU'RE SO MANLY.

THERE. UH, THERE'S MY WIFE.

WE WERE MARRIED 35 YEARS.

SHE NEVER ONCE RAISED HER VOICE TO ME.

SO THEN YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE?

SHE WENT IN THE HOSPITAL

TO HAVE A BOIL REMOVED.

NEVER CAME OUT.

I MOVED UPSTATE, BOUGHT SOME GAS STATIONS.

I DID QUITE WELL,

BUT I'VE HAD TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH LONELINESS.

LIFE IS THAT WAY.

WHO CAN EXPLAIN IT?

I THOUGHT PHIL AND I

WOULD SHARE THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

NOW ALL I HAVE LEFT

IS HIS SHARE OF THE GARBAGE COMPANY.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH A GARBAGE COMPANY?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BUSINESS.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN BUYING ME OUT?

WELL, MAYBE I COULD GIVE YOU SOMETHING

FOR YOUR PART OF THE BUSINESS.

SOMETHING?

WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD OF SOMETHING

WOULD WE BE TALKING ABOUT?

WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT?

BYE, MOM.

SEE YOU IN THE CITY. I'M TAKING MITCHIE.

RIDING THAT THING'S NOT GOOD FOR HIS GONADS.

MY SYMPATHIES, MARIA.

BYE.

BYE, LARRY. THANK YOU.

BYE-BYE.

ARE YOU COMING, MARIA?

WHY ARE WE HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME HOME.

DO YOU WANT TO GO HOME?

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I JUST WONDERED.

WHAT WERE YOU SINGING?

I WASN'T SINGING.

YOU JUST THOUGHT I COULDN'T HEAR OVER THE ENGINE.

YOU DON'T CRY AT WEDDINGS,

BUT YOU SING AT FUNERALS.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WEREN'T INTERESTING.

I'M NOT.

WHAT WERE YOU SINGING?

I DON'T SING FOR PEOPLE.

IT'S PRIVATE.

OH.

WELL, HUM A FEW BARS THEN.

[HUMS]

WELL, WHAT SONG IS THAT?

[HUMS]

[HUMS]

BOY, I STILL HAVE NO IDEA.

IT'S A BEATLES SONG. NOW GUESS.

THAT TUNE HAS NO RESEMBLANCE

TO ANY SONG THE BEATLES EVER RECORDED.

IT'S THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD.

OH, NO. NO, THAT GOES MORE LIKE...

[HUMS]

YOU'RE WORSE THAN I AM.

ARE YOU GOING TO PUSH ME OFF?

I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED ME.

HOLD ONTO MY SHOULDERS.

PUSH. PUSH AGAINST ME.

OH! ISN'T THAT EXCITING?

I GUESS SO.

COME HERE.

♪ TA-DA ♪

MY BOAT.

IT'S GREAT.

I MEAN, IT COULD BE GREAT.

SHECOULD.ALWAYS REFER TO BOATS AS FEMALE.

WHY?

I GUESS IF YOU'RE SOME SAILOR AT SEA,

YOU NEED TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH SHE?

I'M GOING TO FIX HER UP

AND SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET.

YOU HAVE A RICH FANTASY LIFE, DON'T YOU?

UH-HUH.

DON'T YOU HAVE FANTASIES?

I DO, BUT THEY'RE PRIVATE.

I DON'T TELL THEM TO ANYBODY.

NOT EVEN A DANCE TEACHER?

YOU'RE NOT JUST A DANCE TEACHER.

I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT WHAT YOU ARE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS--

A SMOOTH-SAILING LIFE?

YOU CAN ACHIEVE THAT ON A DANCE FLOOR

OR THE WATER.

LOOK HOW LOVELY.

HMM.

THAT ONE WOULD LOOK GREAT ON YOU.

TOM HATES ME IN HATS.

THEN I'LL BUY IT FOR YOU.

NO.

BUT THE LOOK ON TOM'S FACE...

WE'LL TAKE THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.

WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE HATE YOU TO WEAR?

BOXER SHORTS.

SHE DOESN'T THINK THEY'RE SEXY.

OH, I THINK THEY'RE VERY SEXY.

WE'RE GOING TO BE SO BAD.

HEY. I GOT HIM.

HE'S GOING TO BUY. 325 LOADED--

CHROME WHEELS, TINTED GLASS,

ALARM, PHONE, WOOL CARPETS.

TWO MORE BEEMERS, AND I WIN THE TRIP TO VEGAS.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

HI.

HI.

LISTEN.

THE BEAUTY OF THE SUBARU

IS THAT IT IS SO COST-EFFICIENT

THAT YOU COULD TALK HIM

INTO ONE FOR HIM AND ONE FOR YOURSELF.

DO THIS.

LET ME TAKE YOU FOR A TEST DRIVE.

HI.

THIS WAY. NOW SEE THERE?

WON'T IT GO OUT FURTHER THAT WAY?

YEAH.

THAT'S GOOD. YOU'RE REALLY DOING THAT WELL.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M WITH A CUSTOMER.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN A MAKEOVER,

WAIT YOUR TURN.

TRY THE DUSTY ROSE.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

SO IS MY CAREER.

TISH.

I'M WITH A CUSTOMER.

THAT--THAT WORKS.

YEAH?

YEAH. THAT DEFINITELY WORKS.

YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY WIFE.

YOU ARE INSANE.

IF I HAD ANY IDEA HOW INSANE YOU WERE,

I'D NEVER HAVE LET YOU START WITH ME.

WHAT?

YOU SEDUCED ME.

I'M SORRY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

TAKE YOUR TIME, HONEY.

YOUR OPINION OF LARRY IS A TRIBUTE

TO YOUR INSENSITIVITY TO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

LARRY WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX

WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOUR WIFE.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT SEX.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT THEM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP.

YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE.

AND YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING MY NEW JOB HERE

AS ASSISTANT MANAGER OF THIS DEPARTMENT.

SO IF YOU'D LIKE A PRIVATE CONSULTATION,

PLEASE CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

AND IF YOU EVER COME HERE AND UPSET ME AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE THE SECURITY GUARDS

THROW YOU OUT OF THE STORE.

NOW WHERE WERE WE?

MAKING THE LIPS FULLER.

YES.

I BURNED HER UNDERWEAR. SO WHAT?

HE'S SICK. HE'S A BEAST.

HOW CAN I GO ANYWHERE LOOKING LIKE THIS?

IN SOME COUNTRIES, BALD IS CONSIDERED ATTRACTIVE.

I WANT A DIVORCE.

HER AND THAT LOWLIFE AREN'T GETTING A DIME.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY, FOLKS, BUT WE'RE LATE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR JOB WAS SO DANGEROUS.

WHY ARE WE RUNNING?

HOW ABOUT LUNCH?

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

GOOD.

FISH MUST BE SO HAPPY.

THEY MUST BE.

THEY HAVE MATING RITUALS LIKE ITALIAN OPERAS.

THIS WAS SUCH A GREAT IDEA.

LET'S CALL IN SICK.

MAGGIE CAN TAKE MY CLASSES.

I CAN'T CALL IN SICK.

THEN CALL IN WELL.

THE DAY'S TOO BEAUTIFUL

TO TAKE NOTES ON PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.

I'LL CALL FOR YOU.

I'LL CALL FOR MYSELF.

IF THE LAKE SWALLOWED ME UP,

I WOULD DIE A HAPPY MAN.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I'VE BEEN THIS HAPPY.

IS IT JUST ME,

OR DO YOU ALSO HAVE THIS UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE

TO PUT OUR LIPS TOGETHER?

WE CAN'T.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE CAN'T.

WHY CAN'T WE?

HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON TISH?

ONCE.

IN MONOPOLY.

I STOLE HER GOOD PROPERTIES

WHILE SHE WAS DOING HER NAILS.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

A CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL?

YEAH.

NO.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US?

WELL, WE COULD BE LOVERS,

OR WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

WE ARE FRIENDS.

IF WE'RE LOVERS,

WE HAVE TO LIE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT.

YEAH. ME EITHER.

WE COULD MAKE LOVE ONCE

AND NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

FRIENDS, THEN.

VERY SPECIAL FRIENDS.

TOM AND TISH WILL BE INSANE WITH JEALOUSY.

SO WHAT?

WHO CARES?

WE'RE GOING TO BE INNOCENT.

WE'LL BE THIS GREAT COUPLE.

WE'LL BE IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS.

"20 YEARS," PEOPLE WILL SAY,

"AND THEY NEVER HAD SEX."

"YOU'RE KIDDING ME." "NO. IT'S TRUE."

AND ALL THOSE YEARS,

I'LL BE DREAMING OF KISSING YOU.

WITH TONGUE OR WITHOUT?

HOW ABOUT JUST ONE?

FRIENDS.

REMEMBER.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON WEEKENDS?

I SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE WITH CHLOE.

TOM LOVES TO GO TO RESTAURANTS HE CANNOT AFFORD,

THEN COMPLAINS ALL THROUGH DINNER.

BYE.

BYE.

HEY!

LET'S PRETEND TO MEET AT A RESTAURANT.

SATURDAY NIGHT?

I'LL BRING MY FATHER.

MARIO'S. 9:00.

DID YOU LET IT BREATHE?

SIR, I PERSONALLY GAVE IT MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.

EXCELLENT.

DOES ANYONE EVER SEND IT BACK?

NOT THE HOUSE WINE, SIR.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

HI.

COME JOIN US.

YES. BY ALL MEANS.

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YEAH. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO COME HERE.

WHAT ARE THOSE, CHILDREN'S PORTIONS?

THE FLOWERS ARE BIGGER THAN THE FOOD.

COULD WE GET MORE WINE HERE?

LOOK AT ALL THESE SELF-SATISFIED PIGS STUFFING THEMSELVES.

PEOPLE ARE STARVING.

MITCH.

I WISH SOMEONE WITH AN UZI

WOULD COME TAKE ALL THIS JEWELRY.

THEY'RE JUST SYMBOLS OF A SICK SOCIETY.

I PUMPED GAS AT YOUR AGE.

NOW I OWN A STRING OF STATIONS.

THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN THIS SOCIETY.

PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP, LARRY.

EVERYBODY'S ENTITLED TO THEIR OPINION.

RIGHT, EDIE?

YES, AS LONG AS THEY AGREE WITH MINE.

SO HOW'S THIS WINE, VINCE?

I'D RATHER HAVE A CASE OF THE CLAP

THAN A CASE OF THIS WINE.

OH, BOY.

SEE THESE PRICES HERE?

PHIL WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO TAKE US OUT.

PHIL WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU AND ME TO SPLIT IT.

TO PHIL.

YEAH.

TO PHIL.

TO PHIL.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I WILL GO.

NO, MAMA. I'LL GO.

[SOBBING]

TISH?

OPEN UP.

GO AWAY.

COME ON. LET ME IN.

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

TISH?

YOU BOUGHT HIM THOSE TERRIBLE BOXER SHORTS, DIDN'T YOU?

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

TOM SAID YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR,

BUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM

UNTIL I SAW HOW YOU LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.

WE'RE NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR.

WE'VE BEEN PLAYING A GAME

TO GET BACK AT YOU AND TOM.

IT'S JUST GONE TOO FAR.

I'M SORRY.

SHE'S SO NICE.

SHE'S SO NICE.

TISH.

GO GET US SOME ICE CREAM.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING.

PLEASE GET SOME ICE CREAM, MITCHIE.

TISH.

TISH, WAIT A MINUTE.

SON.

WHAT?

ARE YOU BEDDING THAT WOMAN?

TISH?

NO, THE OTHER ONE. MARIA.

NO, POP, I'M NOT.

YOU SURE ACT LIKE IT, BOTH OF YOU.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

THEN GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER.

POP, IF YOU DON'T STOP BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND...

THAT TALL BUILDING OVER THERE'S CALLED A HILTON.

TISH.

TISH. COME ON, SWEETHEART.

TISH, COME ON.

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.

TISH, OPEN UP.

COME ON, SWEETHEART.

YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING STUPID IN THERE, ARE YOU?

OH. HI.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN THIS OUTFIT FOR A WHILE.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS?

I GUESS NOT.

[DOOR OPENS]

PHIL? OH, GOD.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

HMM?

WHAT?

OH.

YOU THINK I'M TOO YOUNG TO TALK ABOUT SEX?

YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD SEX.

YEAH. SURE YOU HAVE.

I HAVE.

SHE WAS 300 POUNDS.

AND WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF HER,

MY ARMS AND LEGS DIDN'T TOUCH THE BED.

WHEN SHE BREATHED, I FLEW UP AND DOWN

LIKE ON A TRAMPOLINE.

WHY DO YOU MAKE UP ALL THIS NONSENSE?

I'M A MULTIMEDIA ARTIST.

THAT'S WHAT I DO. I MAKE UP NONSENSE.

DO YOU STILL HAVE SEX?

RARELY.

DO YOU MISS IT?

YEAH. OH, GOD.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT?

I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING THE SAME THING.

[WEDDING MARCHCHIMES]

SMILE. GOOD.

WELCOME TO WEDDINGLAND.

AND WHICH JOYOUS EVENT WILL YOU BE ATTENDING?

UH, KOZINSKI.

THE CRYSTAL GAZEBO.

A RIGHT, THEN A LEFT.

DUSTY, WILL YOU TAKE THEM?

MacINTOSH.

THE PINK ROSE CHAPEL.

♪ ISN'T IT ROMANTIC ♪

♪ MUSIC IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ A DREAM THAT CAN BE HEARD ♪

♪ ISN'T IT ROMANTIC ♪

♪ MORNING SHADOWS WRITE ♪

♪ THE OLDEST MAGIC WORD ♪

♪ I HEAR THE BREEZES PLAYING ♪

HEY, GOOD SHOT, MITCH.

OK, TOGETHER AGAIN.

LET ME SEE THE GUT.

NO X-RATED PICTURES, YOU BAD BOY.

WEDDINGS ARE JOYFUL OCCASIONS.

PAGAN RITUALS, OK?

HE'S GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.

I HAD A GOOD SHOT.

SHE'S STIFLING IT.

EDIE.

HOW ARE YOU?

IS THAT A DRESS YOU WEAR TO A WEDDING?

MY OWN DESIGN. SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

THAT'S A DRESS FOR A HOOKER'S WEDDING.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HI, VINCE.

SOFIA. HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW ARE YOU?

HOWDY.

HEY.

♪ A TIME FOR US ♪

♪ SOMEDAY THERE'LL BE ♪

♪ WHEN CHAINS ARE TORN ♪

AH!

SPEAK UP.

IT'S TOO LOUD.

♪ A TIME WHEN DREAMS DENY ♪

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.

WEDDINGS REALLY TURN ME ON.

OH, YEAH.

MUSIC GOING ALL THE TIME.

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MUSIC.

LOOK AT HER.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH SHE KILLED THE FIRST ONE.

NOW SHE'S OUT TO KILL THE BROTHER, TOO.

THE KISS OF DEATH.

YOU'RE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES.

YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

I'M AN OLD LONELY WOMAN.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

I TRY TO BE A GOOD GRANDMOTHER NOW.

I'M THINKING OF MAKING JAM.

I LIKE YOUR SHOES.

IT SHOWS OFF YOUR BUBBLEGUM TOES.

WHAT WAS I SAYING?

GIVING ME THAT CRAP ABOUT BEING OLD.

♪ A WORLD OF SHINING HOPE FOR YOU AND ME ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE'RE HAPPY TO BRING OUT FOR THE FIRST DANCE

MR. AND MRS. DEAN KOZINSKI.

♪ SEE THE STONE SET IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ SEE THE THORN TWIST IN YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ I'LL WAIT ♪

DANCE WITH ME.

SURE.

WHAT?

HUH?

SOMEBODY DANCE WITH ME.

SURE. YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU--

SHIT.

♪ AND YOU GIVE ♪

♪ AND YOU GIVE ♪

♪ AND YOU GIVE YOURSELF AWAY ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ I CAN'T LIVE ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ AH ♪

GO DANCE WITH YOUR WIFE.

♪ AH ♪

♪ AH ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

LET'S GO FOR A WALK.

♪ I CAN'T LIVE ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪

THE MARRIAGE BUSINESS IS SURE BOOMING.

BUSINESS IS RIGHT.

WOULD YOU AND YOUR WIFE LIKE SOME CAKE?

THANKS, BUT SHE'S NOT MY WIFE.

THEN CAN I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CONGRATULATIONS.

I'M KIDDING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'D BE LIKE MARRIED?

HORRENDOUS.

AWFUL.

OH, SURE. FIRST YOU'D FIND ME WITTY, CHARMING,

LOVE THOSE CUTE SOUNDS I MAKE IN THE MORNING.

THEN ABOUT THREE MONTHS,

YOU'D WANT TO KILL ME BECAUSE I TALK TOO MUCH.

I LOVE OUR TALKS.

WE TALK NOW BECAUSE WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

THEY'RE IN LOVE.

THEY'RE NOT.

THEY ARE,

AND IT'S OUR FAULT.

I'M OUT.

THEY'RE NOT IN LOVE.

HERE.

HAVE SOME OF MINE.

WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE, TO MAKE THEM JEALOUS?

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN NICE TO YOU.

NEVER.

THEN HOW COME YOU HAD SEX WITH ME?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING SOMEWHERE WITH YOUR LIFE,

BUT I'VE HAD CAUSE TO RECONSIDER MY FIRST OPINION.

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO SELL SUBARUS FOREVER?

I HAVE DEEP THOUGHTS.

I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME TALKING TO WOMEN.

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

HOW?

I DON'T KNOW. DIFFERENT.

DIFFERENT THAN MARIA.

MARIA'S...

TOO GOOD FOR ME.

IF LARRY GOT A GOOD JOB

AND STOPPED PLAYING THAT TRUMPET,

I COULD BE HAPPY.

I WOULDN'T BE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN, "SOMEONE LIKE ME"?

♪ HI HO THE DERRY-O ♪

♪ THE BRIDE CUTS THE CAKE ♪

♪ THE BRIDE CUTS THE CAKE ♪

♪ THE BRIDE CUTS THE CAKE ♪

HEY, BUDDY, WHERE YOU BEEN, HUH?

WHERE THE HELL'S MY WIFE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN MARIA?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER.

COME WATCH THEM CUT THE CAKE.

SOMEBODY STOP HIM. STOP HIM!

MAMA, THE CAKE.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

GO STRAIGHT.

MAMA, OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU GO STRAIGHT.

SWEETHEART, ARE YOU GOING TO BE SICK AGAIN?

UH-UH.

LIE STILL, DEAR.

I'LL GET A HEFTY BAG.

CAN I CALL A CAB?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. TAKE MY CAR.

I'LL STAY HERE TONIGHT.

BRING IT BACK TOMORROW, WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.

I WILL ON ONE CONDITION--

TO PICK YOU UP FOR DINNER.

VINCE, WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.

OH, COME ON, DINNER.

ON ME?

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE MADE AN OLD MAN VERY HAPPY.

YOU'RE NOT SO OLD.

AND I'M NOT SO HAPPY.

HE'LL BE FINE.

THIS IS CRAZY. WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.

THEY THINK WE HAVE.

WE HAVE TO STOP.

I KNOW.

IT'S SO UNFAIR.

YOU'VE BECOME MY BEST FRIEND.

MARRIED MEN AND WOMEN ARE ONLY ALLOWED

TO BE CLOSE FRIENDS IN LARGE GROUPS.

FOR TISH.

AH.

[CAR STARTS]

I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.

MITCH, DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S SO COOL.

JUST DON'T.

FEELING BETTER?

MMM.

DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?

NO.

I WILL IF YOU WANT ME TO.

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU SO MUCH.

I LIKE YOU, TOO.

I WAS ALMOST UNFAITHFUL TO YOUR FATHER ONCE.

I KNEW THIS WAS COMING.

HE WAS A BARBER.

HE LOOKED JUST LIKE JOHN FORSYTHE,

ONLY BALD.

AND ITALIAN.

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH LARRY.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT.

HE MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

WE TALK. WE WALK.

WHAT'S SO WRONG?

THAT WALK YOU'RE TAKING IS RIGHT INTO QUICKSAND.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY WITH TOM.

WHO SAYS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY?

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I DARE TO WANT TO BE HAPPY.

AS MY MOTHER, PACE L'ANIMA SUA,USED TO DAY,

"PRIMO ALLA FAMIGLIA E DOPO IL PIACERE."

MY PROBLEMS AREN'T ALWAYS SOLVED WITH PROVERBS.

YOU HAVE A HOME AND CHILD.

AN UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND.

THAT MEANS HE'S STUPID.

I THINK TOM, IN HIS OWN WAY, WANTED TO GET CAUGHT

BECAUSE HE'S UNHAPPY, TOO.

I WANT TO ASK A QUESTION.

THEN I'LL SHUT UP AND MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.

ARE YOU REALLY READY TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

AND THE LIFE OF THOSE CLOSE TO YOU

FOR A DANCE TEACHER?

UNTIL YOU ARE SURE,

DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU'LL REGRET.

SORRY.

DON'T MOVE!

OHH!

WHOA!

WHOA!

AAH!

AAH!

MOO.

YEAH. MOO.

MOO.

MOO.

OAK LANE?

ROUND THE BEND.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

ABOUT WHAT?

WHAT WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN HERE IN THE GREENS

IS TO TRY TO FORM AND TO LAY OUT...

HELLO.

WE'D LIKE TO RENT A COTTAGE, PLEASE.

FOR HOW LONG?

UH...

JUST FOR THE AFTERNOON, THANKS.

IT'S NICE.

THE FIREPLACE WORKS.

NO ROOM SERVICE, BUT THE CAFE NEARBY DELIVERS.

MENU'S BY THE PHONE.

OH, AND YES, THE PAINTINGS ARE FOR SALE.

WELL...

I LOVE IT.

NERVOUS?

MM-HMM.

ME, TOO.

OH, SHIT!

WE BROKE THE LAMP.

I'VE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

OH, LOOK. YOUR LIP'S BLEEDING.

I BIT MY LIP.

ROUND THREE.

WHAT'S THIS?

THEY'RE ALL YOURS, MITCHIE.

I'M GOING FOR THE REAL THING.

♪ I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

SAMURAI HAIR STYLIST.

YAAH!

HYAH!

I SURE HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME ♪

♪ I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

WHY AM I LETTING YOU DO THIS?

♪ 6'1", WEIGHT 210 ♪

♪ LONG HAIR AND PRETTY FAIR SKIN ♪

♪ LONG LEGS, AND I'M ALL OUT OF SIGHT ♪

♪ HEY, LITTLE GIRL, I'M GOIN' TO TAKE YOU OUT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME ♪

♪ I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

♪ MAKE LOVE TO YOU IN THE MORNING, GIRL ♪

♪ MAKE LOVE TO YOU AT NIGHT, NOW ♪

♪ MAKE LOVE TO YOU WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT ♪

♪ I WANNA MAKE SURE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAU-'CAU-'CAU-'CAU- 'CAUSE I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

♪ OOH, BABY, I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME ♪

♪ I'M A LOVE MAN ♪

♪ BABY, HERE COMES THE LOVE MAN ♪

♪ 6'1", WEIGHT 210 ♪

♪ LONG HAIR AND PRETTY FAIR SKIN... ♪

MANDARIN EGG ROLLS, SHRIMP COCKTAIL,

TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH,

AND LOX WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS.

OH, AND A CHOCOLATE CAKE.

OH, YEAH.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

FRENCH FRIES.

OH, AND FRENCH FRIES.

LOTS OF KETCHUP.

LOTS OF KETCHUP.

DO YOU HAVE CHAMPAGNE?

OH, YEAH.

GREAT. AND PLEASE HURRY.

THA-THANK YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

THAT WAS QUICK.

YES?

THE MAID.

WOULD YOU LIKE THE BED TURNED DOWN?

UH, NO, THANK YOU.

I BETTER CALL HOME.

CLOSER.

CLOSER STILL.

AAH!

CLOSER STILL.

AAH!

...SER STILL.

I'LL STAY TILL TOM GETS HOME.

WHERE ARE YOU?

CAN I SPEAK TO CHLOE, MAMA?

HI, SWEETHEART. HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

LEONARD PEARSON SCRATCHED YOU?

BUT THIS IS AWFUL.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M GOING TO BE HOME A LITTLE LATE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M SEEING SOME FRIENDS.

I'LL BE HOME TO KISS YOU GOOD NIGHT.

BE A GOOD GIRL FOR DADDY.

I LOVE YOU.

I HAD TO LIE TO MY DAUGHTER.

I'LL BET THIS IS THE FIRST ONE SHE EVER SOLD.

IT'S LATE.

I'M SORRY I FELL ASLEEP.

I FELL ASLEEP, TOO.

DOES FALLING ASLEEP MEAN WE'VE FINALLY GOTTEN EACH OTHER

OUT OF OUR SYSTEM?

NO.

IT MEANS WE WERE BOTH TIRED.

I'D BETTER GO.

I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.

[CREAKING]

YOUR OFFICE CALLED.

BECAUSE YOU CALLED IN SICK,

THEY WONDERED IF YOU WERE OK.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

TOM.

IF I HADN'T ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT,

WOULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

YOU WERE JUST BEING YOU.

SOMETIMES A MAN THINKS HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF

WITH LOTS OF WOMEN.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR INFIDELITIES,

I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU FOREVER.

OH, UH...

CHLOE'S TEACHER WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?

IF I AM, I'LL GET OVER IT.

YEAH.

WE WERE IN LOVE ONCE UPON A TIME.

WE GOT OVER IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

AW.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU GO NEAR MY WIFE AGAIN,

AND I'LL KILL YOU.

HEY, POP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

MY BROTHER PHIL JUST CALLED FROM THE GRAVE.

HE SAID STAY AWAY FROM EDIE,

OR HE'D KILL ME.

YOU WERE DREAMING, POP.

NO.

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT ME ANYWAY.

DOESN'T THINK WE'RE COMPATIBLE.

NO. DON'T DO THAT.

LET ME MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.

HI.

I'M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I'M ANGRY, MAD, OR ANYTHING.

I WANT YOU TO BE FREE TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MY MOM'S.

I'LL HAVE THE REST OF MY CLOTHES PICKED UP.

YOUR MOTHER GIVES YOU HIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S TIME I FACE UP TO HER.

SEE, I'M NOT AS DUMB AS YOU THINK.

YOU'RE THE SMARTEST PERSON HERE.

SHOULDN'T WE BE TALKING ABOUT THIS?

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

LET ME HELP YOU.

HELP ME GET A CAB.

HOW DID YOUR BIG DATE GO?

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

YEAH, SURE.

SO CAN I.

YOU...

MRS. DAVIDOW, HELLO.

HELLO, MRS. HARDY.

GOOD MORNING, CHLOE.

YOU WANTED TO TALK?

MM-HMM. WOULD YOU TAKE OVER, ELAINE?

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT CHLOE'S ARM.

SHE HAS A SCRATCH.

EXCUSE ME.

LEONARD PEARSON DID IT.

IT'S TIME FOR US TO DO SOME SERIOUS SHARING

AND INTERFACING ABOUT CHLOE, MRS. HARDY.

CAN I OFFER YOU A CUP OF DECAF?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IS THIS BEAUTIFUL OR WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TAKE A RIDE?

I'LL GRAB THE KEYS, HUH?

I'LL GET THE KEYS.

THIS IS IT. I CAN FEEL IT.

I'M TAKING THEM FOR A DRIVE.

I SELL THIS BEEMER, I'M OFF TO VEGAS.

I GOT THEM.

OH, MY GOD, MY GOD.

MEL, OPEN THAT WINDOW.

I'LL TAKE THE 750 FOR A TEST DRIVE.

CAN I TANTALIZE YOU WITH SOMETHING?

I'M HERE TO SEE TOM.

A MISTAKE, BUT I'LL BE BACK.

HI.

SO...YOU'RE FINALLY BUYING A CAR.

THINKING ABOUT IT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. GOT IT DEFINITELY UNDER CONTROL.

I LEFT LARRY.

[CRASH]

ARE YOU CRAZY, YOU STUPID SHIT?

GET THAT PIECE OF...

THAT WAS REALLY GREAT.

IT WAS GREAT.

IT WASN'T SO GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT WAS GREAT.

NO, IT WAS DIFFERENT.

WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT IN A BED.

NO, IT'S NOT THE BED.

IT'S DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT NOW THAT YOU'RE, UM...

NOW THAT I'M WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU'RE, UH...

ON YOUR OWN.

OH, MY GOD. I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE MEN WHO CAN ONLY DO THIS

BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED.

YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED

IN BEING RESPONSIBLE TO ANYONE.

CALM DOWN.

I'M UP FOR A NEW POSITION

IN THE FASHION OFFICE.

I TOOK TIME OUT BECAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D--

YOU THOUGHT MAYBE I'D WHAT?

NOTHING. THERE'S A RUN IN MY PANTY HOSE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I'M BEING TESTED AND PUNISHED

FOR MY STUPIDITY.

OH, I DESERVE THIS.

SHE LOOKS MUCH BETTER.

HEY, WHAT A GREAT SURPRISE.

I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVED SANDING.

IS SANDPAPERING GOING TO BE YOUR NEXT JOB?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I WAS THINKING YOU AND ME

OUGHT TO OPEN A RESTAURANT.

WHY, DO YOU COOK?

NO, BUT I DO DISHES.

A RESTAURANT WHERE?

SOMEWHERE WE COULD HANG A SIGN

THAT SAYS "GONE SAILING" ANYTIME WE WANT.

AND PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND?

UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU KIDDING?

PEOPLE WILL APPROVE.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR SON? WIFE?

MITCH GOES TO SPEND NEXT TERM

WITH HIS MOTHER IN SAN FRANCISCO,

THEN COLLEGE.

TISH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS,

BUT IT CERTAINLY ISN'T ME.

IT MUST BE BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO COME ALONG?

CHLOE HAS BEEN LYING ABOUT A BOY ATTACKING HER

WHEN ACTUALLY SHE HAS BEEN BEATING ON HIM,

BUT THE TEACHER THINKS

SHE'S ACTING OUT HER ANGER TOWARD TOM.

OHH.

THE OTHER DAY SHE PUT A CAT IN THE SCHOOL DRYER.

THE TEACHER THINKS

IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION,

'CAUSE I'M NOT DOING A GOOD ENOUGH JOB.

NO. NOW KIDS GO THROUGH STAGES.

MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER NEED ME.

AND US?

US? WELL, WE DO WHAT GENERALLY PEOPLE DO--

GO ON WITH THEIR LIVES.

MAYBE PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY.

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

I CAME TO SAY GOODBYE.

I KNOW.

HAVE YOU BEEN CRYING?

I HAVE.

I HAVE BEEN CRYING A LOT LATELY.

I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THESE YEARS I DIDN'T.

I'M FINE.

I'M ONLY SORRY WE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO DANCE.

YOU ALL GOT TO BE CRAZY!

I'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

GO HOME.

LARRY, LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU LOVE THAT WOMAN,

SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

I KNOW THIS PHILOSOPHY.

ATTILA THE HUN SAID IT FIRST.

THIS IS WHAT YOUR FATHER'S SAYING

FIRST, LAST, AND ALWAYS.

YOU'VE GOT ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE.

YOU CAN MAKE IT CHICKEN SHIT

OR CHICKEN SALAD.

GOOD CHOPS.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THEM.

MY FAVORITE.

I KNOW.

THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

MAYBE, UM...

WE CAN MAKE LOVE LATER.

GOOD.

THANK YOU.

PHIL SAID THERE WAS A FUTURE IN GARBAGE.

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MY FUTURE.

YOU WERE GENEROUS IN YOUR BUSINESS DEALINGS, VINCE.

DON'T TELL ANYONE.

YOU'RE NOT SUCH A TOUGH GUY.

A TOUGH GUY WOULD MAKE A PASS AT YOU.

BUT NOT YOU.

I'D SAY I GOT THIS BIG EMPTY HOUSE

IN THE COUNTRY.

COME VISIT ME AND CELEBRATE.

I'D SAY I AM TOO OLD FOR TRAVELING.

I LOVE YOU, EDIE.

MY GOD.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

AUNTIE SOFIA.

POOR ANGEL.

OK. OK, OK.

YOU STILL WANT TO KILL PEOPLE?

NO, THEY'RE TOO STUPID.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

YOUR GRANDFATHER'S ABOUT TO MARRY

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.

OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD NEWS.

GOD BLESS YOU.

HI, VINCE.

FATHER.

A PLEASURE.

YOU KNOW MY SON.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HI.

HI.

YOU'RE LATE.

YOU'VE MET KATHY, HAVEN'T YOU?

KATHY, THIS IS TISH.

HI.

HI. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

WHAT? WHAT?

START! START!

IT'S TOO LATE. I DID IT.

LOOK AT THOSE KIDS. THEY'RE CUTE.

HERE WE GO.

[ARF ARF]

VINCENT, WILL YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE YOUR WIFE?

YEAH. CAN I KISS HER?

NOT YET.

SAY I WILL.

I WILL.

EDIE, WILL YOU TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?

I WILL.

VINCENT AND EDIE, YOU'VE MADE

THIS COVENANT OF MARRIAGE

BEFORE GOD AND THIS COMPANY.

ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR BLISS.

ALWAYS FOLLOW WHAT YOUR HEART SAYS.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE NEED A VOLUNTEER

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

HEY, ME!

SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LEND US A HAND

OR PERHAPS HIS WHOLE BODY.

WE HAVE ONE HERE.

HI, SIR.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

REMOVE YOUR JACKET

IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND,

AND MICHELLE WILL HELP YOU.

ANOTHER GIRL IN HERE, HUH?

TRY NOT TO BE FUNNIER THAN THE MAGICIAN.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY.

I'M FINE.

I DON'T WANT YOU FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHY WOULD I?

I'M NOT IF YOU'RE NOT.

OK.

AND...EASY, BOY.

OK. HERE WE GO.

READY?

YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROMOTION.

IT AGREES WITH YOU. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

I'VE REDONE THE APARTMENT.

IT'S SORT OF POST-MODERN MEETS THE JETSONS.

YOU SHOULD COME AND SEE IT.

I WILL.

I'M GOOD NOW. GOOD.

AND DON'T GO AWAY.

YOU WANT A DRINK?

NO, THANK YOU.

I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING REALLY PUZZLING.

I'M SORRY.

LARRY, DO YOU KNOW WHY I MARRIED YOU?

MY MONEY?

YOUR EYES.

I THOUGHT A MAN WITH YOUR EYES

WOULD NEVER HURT A WOMAN.

HAVE I?

NO.

GOOD LUCK, LARRY.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW WE'LL INTRODUCE A FRIEND OF MINE.

SAMMY THE SAW.

OH, YOU WANT TO GO HOME?

GOOD. LET'S TALK TO DADDY. WE'LL GO HOME.

HE DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH TO BEGIN WITH.

YOU KNOW, I CAME THIS CLOSE TO HAVING HER.

HA!

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

WE'RE NOT FINISHED YET.

PUT HIM TOGETHER LATER.

I WANT TO DANCE. GIVE US A WALTZ.

THEY LOOK SO SWEET.

HI.

HI.

TELL YOUR STORY WALKING, LARRY.

MARIA, WOULD YOU DANCE WITH ME?

NO. SHE WON'T.

PLEASE STOP.

LARRY, NO.

WELL, THEN HOW ABOUT SPENDING

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVEN'T HIT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

SINCE EIGHTH GRADE, BUT I'LL FIGHT.

FINE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

POP, PLEASE. I'M TRYING TO MAKE CHICKEN SALAD

OUT OF CHICKEN SHIT.

MARIA, EVERYONE IS LOOKING.

I'VE KEPT MY PART OF THE BARGAIN FOR CHLOE'S SAKE.

CHLOE DESERVES MORE THAN A BARGAIN.

YOU GET IN THE CAR WITH ME NOW,

OR I'M LEAVING YOU FOR GOOD.

LARRY KOZINSKI, I WOULD LOVE TO DANCE WITH YOU.

DANCE, PLEASE, EVERYBODY DANCE.

DANCE!

I'M TAKING MY PRESENT BACK.

YOO-HOO!

MITCH!

COME ON, MITCH.

UP! HERE WE GO!

MITCH, COME ON.

MITCH, COME ON, PLEASE.

COME ON. HURRY UP.

MITCH!

WAIT, DAD.

DAD, STOP IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON.