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THERE'S A PROGRAM BEING SEEN ON P.B.S. NETWORK AT THE MOMENT.

AND IT'S CALLED "AN AMERICAN FAMILY."

AND IT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY DOCUMENTARY. IT'S IN 12 PARTS.

AND IT PROBES THE DAY-TO-DAY LIVES

OF A FAMILY FROM SANTA BARBARA, CALIFORNIA.

THEY AGREED TO LET A FILM CREW

LIVE WITH THEM FOR MONTHS ON END

AND THEIR MOST PRIVATE MOMENTS HAVE BECOME PUBLIC.

THE SERIES HAS BEEN WIDELY REVIEWED AND CRITICIZED.

AND NOBODY IS SURE-- MAYBE THEY'RE NOT--

WHY THEY LET THEMSELVES IN FOR SOME OF THE THINGS THEY DID.

BUT THAT'LL BE ONE OF THE THINGS MAYBE WE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND OUT.

I HAD THIS VISION OF THE LOUD FAMILY

THAT I JUST COULDN'T SHAKE--

SEVEN PEOPLE

STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER IN SOLIDARITY,

BONDED BY BLOOD AND TIME AND LOVE...

WITH A HUSBAND AND A FATHER WHO WAS HOME AND THERE FOR US ALL.

¶ STARS SHINING BRIGHT ABOVE YOU ¶

¶ NIGHT BREEZES SEEM TO WHISPER ¶

¶ I LOVE YOU ¶

¶ BIRDS SINGING IN THE SYCAMORE TREE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ¶

¶ SAY NIGHTY-NIGHT AND KISS ME ¶

¶ JUST HOLD ME TIGHT ¶

¶ AND TELL ME YOU'LL MISS ME ¶

¶ WHILE I'M ALONE ¶

¶ AND BLUE AS CAN BE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ¶

¶ STARS FADING ¶

¶ BUT I LINGER ON, DEAR ¶

¶ STILL CRAVING ¶

¶ YOUR KISS ¶

¶ I'M LONGING TO LINGER ¶

¶ TILL DAWN, DEAR ¶

¶ JUST SAYING THIS ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS TILL SUNBEAMS FIND YOU ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS THAT LEAVE ALL WORRIES ¶

¶ BEHIND YOU ¶

¶ BUT IN YOUR DREAMS ¶

¶ WHATEVER THEY BE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME... ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME... ¶

- PAT. - MARY.

OH, RIGHT ON TIME.

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

OH, YOU'LL SEE.

COME, DEAR. WE'RE SITTING RIGHT UP THERE.

CRAIG.

CRAIG GILBERT, THIS IS PAT LOUD.

- HELLO. - A PLEASURE.

- CRAIG'S A VISITOR FROM THE BIG APPLE. - OH.

- HE'S FRIENDS WITH MY EDITOR. - WELCOME.

WELL, PLEASE, SIT SIT.

CRAIG'S WORKING ON A VERY INTERESTING PROJECT.

WELL, I MAKE DOCUMENTARY FILMS, PAT--

NOTHING YOU'D HAVE HEARD OF.

RECENTLY I JUST DID SOMETHING ON THE WORK OF MARGARET MEAD.

SHE'S A WELL-KNOWN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YES, SHE WROTE "COMING OF AGE IN SAMOA," WHICH I QUITE ENJOYED.

- I'M IMPRESSED. - SHE'S DEAD ON ABOUT GENDER ROLES.

FATHERS ARE BIOLOGICAL NECESSITIES, BUT SOCIAL ACCIDENTS.

SHE ALSO SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE IN USING WOMEN IN COMBAT BECAUSE

- THE FEMALES ARE TOO FIERCE." - "FEMALES ARE TOO FIERCE."

WHY IS IT I THINK WE ALREADY KNOW MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER THAN WE SHOULD?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU? SHE'S PERFECT.

PAT, I WANT TO OBSERVE AN AMERICAN FAMILY

MUCH LIKE MARGARET OBSERVED A PRIMITIVE ONE,

EXCEPT THIS TIME I'D LIKE THE CAMERA TEAM TO MOVE IN WITH THE FAMILY.

AND I THINK THAT I FOUND MY FAMILY LAST NIGHT

WHEN MARY TOLD ME ABOUT YOU AND SHOWED ME

THIS WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS CARD.

MM, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN SUCH A THING?

WELL, TO EDUCATE. TO BE PART OF A BRAVE NEW EXPERIMENT

WITH A REAL FAMILY, WITH REAL PEOPLE

THAT AUDIENCES CAN RELATE TO.

YOU WERE HIS FIRST CHOICE. I SHOWED HIM THE CARTERS, THE PERCYS, THE HALLS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS IN HER SOCIETY COLUMN.

YES, BUT NONE ARE AS INTERESTING AS THE LOUD FAMILY.

AND HER KIDS-- HER KIDS ARE SO POPULAR.

EVERYONE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THEM.

¶ TIME ¶

¶ IS ON MY SIDE ¶

¶ YES, IT IS ¶

¶ TIME ¶

¶ IS ON MY SIDE ¶

¶ YES, IT IS ¶

¶ NOW YOU WERE SAYING ¶

¶ THAT YOU WANT TO BE FREE.... ¶

LANCE, WAIT UP.

COME ON, HURRY UP. I CAN'T MISS IT.

DADDY TRIED TO BE HERE TOO, YOU KNOW, SWEETIE,

BUT HIS BUSINESS TRIP GOT EXTENDED.

AREN'T THEY ALWAYS? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- I LOVE YOU. - OH, COLD NEW YORK NIGHTS--

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A LOW RESISTANCE, BABY.

THEY'RE CLOSING THE DOOR. GO.

- BYE, LANCE. - LOVE YOU.

- I'M GONNA MISS YOU. - SAY HI TO ANDY WARHOL FOR ME.

¶ GO AHEAD ¶

¶ GO AND LIGHT UP THAT TOWN ¶

¶ AND, BABY, DO EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ¶

¶ REMEMBER, I'LL BE AROUND ¶

¶ AND I KNOW ¶

¶ LIKE I TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES BEFORE ¶

¶ OH, YOU'RE GONNA COME BACK, BABY ¶

¶ YOU'RE GONNA COME BACK ¶

¶ YOU'RE GONNA BE KNOCK-KNOCKING ON MY DOOR ¶

¶ TIME TIME TIME ¶

¶ IS ON MY SIDE ¶

- ¶ YES, IT IS.... ¶ - Girl: DAD'S HERE.

- HEY, DAD. - HEY, DAD, WHAT'S UP?

- HEY. - LOOKING GOOD. NICE SUIT, MAN.

YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE BACK TILL TOMORROW.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

HEY, JOE NAMATH.

- HEY, PATTY? - HMM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I GOT HOME TONIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT, BILL?

WHEN I SAW THOSE KIDS PLAYING OUT THERE ON THE LAWN,

RUNNING AROUND WITH THE SUNLIGHT IN THEIR HAIR,

I WAS THINKING WE ARE LIKE--

- YOUR HAIRBRUSH. - MY HAIRBRUSH?

- IT'S CLEAN. - AND?

- WHO CLEANED IT? - I CLEANED IT.

YOU'VE NEVER CLEANED YOUR HAIRBRUSH IN YOUR LIFE.

PATTY, I'VE CLEANED MY BRUSH BEFORE

AND I CLEANED IT THIS TIME.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT HAD DOG HAIR IN IT.

BILL NEVIN'S FOUR-YEAR-OLD OPENS UP MY SUITCASE

AND BRUSHES HIS GOLDEN RETRIEVER WITH MY HAIRBRUSH.

- UNBELIEVABLE, RIGHT? - I AGREE.

SO WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS

THAT WHEN I WAS OUT THERE PLAYING FOOTBALL ON THE LAWN,

I WAS THINKING WE'RE LIKE THE WEST COAST KENNEDYS.

DO YOU MEAN THAT AS A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING?

IT'S A COMPLIMENT, PATTY.

I'M SAYING WE'VE GOT A FAMILY TO BE PROUD OF HERE.

IT'S INTERESTING YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT,

BECAUSE I MET A FILMMAKER WHO'S LOOKING FOR

THE IDEAL FAMILY TO PUT ON TV.

REALLY?

OF COURSE I TOLD HIM WE COULDN'T PARTICIPATE,

BEING THAT YOU'RE AWAY SO MUCH.

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU KNEW ALICE.

SHE WAS MY SOPHOMORE ROOMMATE AT STANFORD.

HER BROTHER JIMMY WAS IN MY HOUSE AT HARVARD.

OH MY, WHAT A SMALL WORLD.

SO, BILL, WHERE DID YOU STUDY?

I MATRICULATED AT THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

YES, BILL WASN'T MUCH OF A STUDENT,

BUT HE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN MOST IVY LEAGUERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE SECRET IS? YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.

IF YOU DON'T LOVE IT, YOU CAN'T SELL IT.

GOD HELP ME, YOU CAN LAUGH IF YOU WANT,

BUT I LOVE STRIP MINES AND I LOVE SELLING SHOVEL TEETH.

IT'S LIKE BROADWAY, BABY.

MR. GILBERT SAW "HAIR" ON BROADWAY.

HE SAID IT WAS LIKE A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.

YEAH, MR. GILBERT KNOWS MICK JAGGER TOO.

YOUR BOYS HAVE PROMISED ME A CONCERT.

WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET LANCE. HE'S THE COOLEST OF US ALL.

- BUT HE MOVED TO NEW YORK. - TO MEET ANDY WARHOL.

WELL, WE CAN SHOOT HIM IN NEW YORK.

BUT HE'S NOT IN THE HOUSE,

AND THAT'S WHAT THE SHOW IS, RIGHT--

WHAT GOES ON IN THE HOUSE?

THE HOUSE, THE SCHOOL, THE SUPERMARKET, WHEREVER THE FAMILY GOES.

- WHAT ABOUT THE BATHROOM? - NO NO.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS OFF-LIMITS?

WHY, BILL? YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?

WELL, NO, THAT'S A FAIR QUESTION--

THE THRESHOLD OF PRIVACY.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE TO DISCUSS AND DECIDE UPON.

WHAT ABOUT PAYMENT?

NO NO. THE PUBLIC HAS TO BE CERTAIN

THERE'S NO MANIPULATION GOING ON.

I DON'T KNOW THEN. I STILL DON'T SEE ANY UPSIDE TO IT.

COME ON, DAD. IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.

WELL, YOU MIGHT, WHEN YOU SEE JOHNNY HALL

AS THE HEAD OF THE MOST FAMOUS HOUSEHOLD IN AMERICA.

- JOHNNY HALL? - MM.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIS FAMILY?

HIS WIFE HAS GOT A MUSTACHE

AND HIS KIDS ARE PRACTICALLY BRAIN DEAD.

DAD!

- SO THAT WOULD BE A YES? - YES.

WHEN BILL WOULD GO AWAY,

I WAS JUST LEFT AT HOME WITH MY OWN WORST FEARS.

FINALLY I DECIDED THAT...

WHAT I NEEDED TO DO WAS TO KEEP BILL HOME

AND SHOW HIM AND THE WORLD

THAT HIS FAMILY WAS AN INDESTRUCTIBLE THING.

GENTLEMEN, MEET THE LOUDS.

THE HANDSOME, HARD-WORKING, NIXON-SUPPORTING DAD,

THE SMART, SULTRY MOM.

SHE'S A LITTLE TOO LATE FOR WOMEN'S LIB,

BUT TOO YOUNG TO BE A DISCARDED HOUSEWIFE.

THE 16 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

WHO IS EXPERIENCING HER FIRST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND.

THE LITTLE ONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH HER HORSE.

THE TWO BOYS WHO THINK THEY'RE THE NEXT ROLLING STONES.

AND THE ELDEST-- HE'S MOVED TO MANHATTAN TO MAKE IT.

I HAVE YET TO MEET HIM.

WHY NO APPLAUSE HERE, GENTLEMEN?

FOR WHAT, FIVE HOURS OF "PASS THE SALT"? I DON'T GET THE POINT.

THE POINT IS WE'VE GONE TO THE MOON AND BEYOND,

BUT WE HAVE YET TO GET PAST THE AMERICAN FRONT DOOR.

AND WHEN WE GET PAST THAT DOOR,

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO FIND?

THE SMILING FACES ON THE CHRISTMAS CARDS?

THE CUTE LITTLE JOKES WITH THE LAUGH TRACKS? NO.

NOW ONE HAS EVER DONE THIS BEFORE,

SO IF ANYONE SHOULD BE ASKING WHAT THE POINT IS,

IT SHOULD BE ME-- OF HAVING TO BEG TO FINANCE

WHAT COULD BE THE MOST GROUNDBREAKING

10 HOURS OF TV EVER PUT ON THE AIR.

- 10 HOURS? - YEAH. YOU HEARD THAT.

I HEARD THAT, YES.

WELL, YOU JUST REMEMBER THIS LAUGH

WHEN YOU SEE THE DAILIES AND YOU'RE BEGGING ME FOR MORE.

ALL RIGHT, CRAIG, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.

IF I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE REST OF THE FINANCING,

I NEED YOU HERE TO SCREEN DAILIES

EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, SO WE CAN BE SURE

YOU'RE GETTING SOMETHING WORTH PUTTING ON.

- ABSOLUTELY. - MR. GILBERT.

YOUR ASSISTANT PUT A PHONE CALL THROUGH.

- THIS PICKS UP EVERYTHING? - MM-HMM, I'M GONNA WRAP THIS AROUND RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, WE'LL BE PUTTING IN SOME HIGHER-WATTAGE BULBS.

PAT, I WAS JUST DESCRIBING YOU

AND I USED AN ADJECTIVE THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME BLUSH.

Why aren't you here, Craig?

MY HOUSE IS BEING TORN APART BY A BUNCH OF NEW YORKERS.

They're just prerigging a little.

WHEN THEY'RE DONE YOU'LL HARDLY NOTICE.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT YOU FILMING MY TRIP TO MANHATTAN?

THEY SAY YOU WANT TO START WITH THAT NOW?

WELL, YOU DECIDED TO VISIT YOUR SON AND WE THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING.

By the way, where is Lance? Where is he staying?

OH, UM,

I BELIEVE HE'S STAYING AT A PLACE CALLED

THE, UH, CHELSEA HOTEL.

LANCE?

WE'RE GOING TO THE LA MAMA THEATER TONIGHT--

THE ULTIMATE OF UNDERGROUND, HONEY.

YOU'LL JUST THINK IT'S SO NEAT.

YEAH, ALL THE UNDERGROUND STARS ARE THERE. IT'S A BIG PLACE.

ALL THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.

OH, I KNOW, BUT YOU'VE DREAMED OF THEM.

¶ GOT TO PAY YOUR DUES ¶

¶ IF YOU WANT TO SING THE BLUES ¶

¶ AND YOU KNOW IT DON'T COME EASY ¶

¶ BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT... ¶

WHAT'VE WE GOT?

UH, FIVE-SIX.

I THINK THIS IS HER.

- YEAH. - SLATE IT.

ROLLING IT.

AN AMERICAN FAMILY, TAKE ONE.

GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA NEED THAT SUN GUN WHEN WE GO IN THERE.

- THAT LOBBY'S TOO DARK. - YEAH.

WE'RE STARTING RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, JUST KEEP ON COMING. REMEMBER, WE'RE INVISIBLE.

YOU'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

IT'S OKAY. JUST KEEP WALKING. WE'LL GIVE WAY.

AND TRY NOT TO TALK TO THE CAMERA, PAT.

DOES YOUR MOTHER HAVE DARK HAIR,

LONG, SEXY LEGS, HUGE SUNGLASSES

AND CAMERAS FOLLOWING HER?

OR IS THAT JACKIE O?

OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THEM.

THIS IS HEAVEN.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

OH, JACKIE O.

HEY, BABY. WANT SOME?

HELLO. THE NAME'S PATRICIA LOUD.

MY SON MADE A RESERVATION FOR ME ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

YEAH, HE WANTED YOU ON EIGHT.

LANCE.

- BABY. - HI, MOM.

- OH, HOW ARE YOU? - FINE, MOM.

OH, THIS IS CAMERON, MOM.

HI. HELLO. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- I LOVE YOUR GLOVES. - YEAH, YOU LOOK NICE.

- HONEY, YOU SAID-- - HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT, MRS. LOUD?

- YEAH. - FINE FINE.

YES, WE GOT IN A LITTLE EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.

- OH. - WHO SMOKES?

WELL, CAMERON SMOKES. CAMERON, YOU TELL--

THAT'S-- I'M THE SMOKER.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S HIS MOTHER'S PROBLEM.

JUST SO LONG AS YOU DON'T START.

- THIS PLACE COULD USE SOME CLEANING. - UH, I KNOW.

THE MAID SERVICE HERE REALLY IS JUST AWFUL, JUST TERRIBLE.

WELL, PERHAPS YOU OUGHT TO APPLY FOR THE JOB.

I APPLIED FOR THE-- FOR THE CLEANING JOB,

BUT THEY SAID I HAD TO WEAR A HAIR NET,

AND I JUST COULDN'T DO THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER ABOUT THE SHOW?

OH, UM, YEAH.

WE-- WE GOT TICKETS TO THIS AMAZING SHOW AT LA MAMA THEATER--

- "VAIN VICTORY." - THANK YOU.

I'D LOVE TO TAKE IN A NICE SHOW.

OH, MOM, I KNOW SO MANY FAMOUS AND INTERESTING PEOPLE NOW.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

LIKE JACKIE CURTIS AND CANDY--

SHE'S RIGHT THERE. SHE'S STARRING IN IT.

- OH, SHE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS? - SHE WANTS TO MARRY HIM ACTUALLY.

- REALLY? - OH YEAH.

SHE THINKS HE'S THE ALL-AMERICAN BOY

AND SHE'S THE ALL-AMERICAN GIRL.

SHE'S VERY PRETTY.

SO DO YOU WANT TO GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW,

GO UP?

YOU SAID I'D BE NEXT DOOR TO YOU.

WHY AM I UP THERE?

BECAUSE IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU

TO SWEEP IN THE DOOR LIKE LORETTA YOUNG, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S A CAMERA.

MY GOD, A CAMERA. I HAD NO IDEA.

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE INVISIBLE JUST LIKE THEY SAID YOU'D BE.

LISTEN, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

¶ DROP INTO OUR ORBIT ¶

¶ WHERE QUEENS CAN COLLIDE ¶

¶ AND JIGGLE YOUR SWEET SPOT ¶

¶ INTO MADCAP YEARNING, OOH... ¶

SHE WAS THE GREATEST STAR OF ALL.

¶ MY PLACE TONIGHT, FELLAS ¶

¶ MY PLACE TONIGHT, FELLAS ¶

¶ WHO IS THE LUCKY BOY TO BE? ¶

- OH, SOMEONE SPECIAL! - OOH!

¶ DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT, FELLAS ¶

¶ IT ISN'T RIGHT, FELLAS ¶

¶ WHY ARE THE BIG FELLAS ALL FOR ME? ¶

IS THAT YOUR FRIEND CANDY,

THE ONE WHO WANTS TO MARRY YOU?

YES.

HMM. SHE'S A MAN?

WELL, I HAVEN'T ACCEPTED OR ANYTHING.

¶ OURS ¶

¶ MY PLACE TONIGHT, FELLAS... ¶

YOU DO REALIZE THAT WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED

BY A CAMERA CREW, LANCE, RIGHT?

DID YOU TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION

BEFORE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TONIGHT?

YES.

¶ LOOK AT THAT FACE, FELLAS ¶

¶ IN MY EMBRACE, FELLAS ¶

¶ I BET IT'S ME ¶

¶ SHE'S GONNA CHOOSE... ¶

I'M GONNA GO NOW, SWEETIE.

ALL RIGHT.

ONE MUST NEVER LET THE PUBLIC BEHIND THE SCENES,

FOR THEY ARE EASILY DISILLUSIONED

AND THEN THEY'RE ANGRY WITH YOU.

FOR IT IS THE ILLUSION THEY LOVE.

PAT, HELLO. SORRY I'M LATE.

CRAIG. DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY WERE TAKING ME TO SEE THIS?

OH, OF COURSE NOT. I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS HAPPENING.

OH, IT'S NOT HAPPENING. TRANSVESTITES?

THIS ALL GOT STARTED OFF WRONG.

IF THIS SEQUENCE UPSETS YOU, WE DON'T HAVE TO USE IT.

IT'S NOT ME. IT'S BILL.

IF HE EVER SAW THIS HE'D HAVE A STROKE.

DON'T MAKE HIM LOOK FOOLISH, CRAIG.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING.

I THINK LANCE IS AMAZING AND I CAN TELL MY CREW DOES TOO.

HE'S SMART AND HE'S WITTY AND HE'S INCREDIBLY SPECIAL.

WELL, I KNOW ALL THAT.

I'M JUST SCARED--

THESE PEOPLE, THIS PLACE.

WELL, HE'S TRYING TO FIND HIMSELF

AND MANHATTAN IS THE PLACE TO DO THAT.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO? - YES.

NOW ARE YOU OKAY?

WELL, I'D GIVE YOU A HUG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEEM INAPPROPRIATE.

WELL, I TELL YOU,

THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING LIBERATING

ABOUT GETTING OUT OF TOWN.

FOR ONCE IT'S ALL IN BILL'S LAP.

WELL, HIS TRAVELING MUST BE HARD ON YOU.

YES, IT'S HARD ON ALL OF US.

DO YOU GET LONELY?

WELL, IT'S ALL...

VERY COMPLICATED.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE I UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.

WELL, MAYBE THE SHOW CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT SAY WHEN YOU TURN A CAMERA ON THINGS,

THE TRUTH JUST RISES TO THE SURFACE.

WHAT, LIKE DUMPLINGS?

SO...

DO YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS?

NO NO.

MY MARRIAGE COLLAPSED.

OH.

YES, IT TURNED OUT THAT WE WEREN'T THE RIGHT FIT.

I'M SORRY.

YES, IT WAS--

WELL, THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT.

YOU DON'T STRIKE ME AS A MAN

THAT WOULD EVER BE AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

IN THIS CASE I AM.

UM...

THE ADJECTIVE?

WELL, YOU USED A WORD TO DESCRIBE ME.

ON THE PHONE YOU MENTIONED--

WELL, I GET FLOWERY WHEN I'M IN MY SELLING MODE.

WELL, WHAT WAS THE WORD?

IT WAS "SULTRY."

- SULTRY? - MM-HMM.

BUT I SAID SMART TOO.

I LIKE SULTRY.

It's kind of late there.

Have you been prowling the streets all night?

- LANCE TOOK ME TO A SHOW. - How's he doing?

- FOUND A JOB YET? - No, but he's making lots of friends.

GOOD GOOD. ANY GIRLS?

THAT'S STILL MY HOPE, YOU KNOW,

THAT IF HE COULD JUST MEET THE RIGHT GIRL AND--

YOU KNOW, I THINK HE HAS.

Really?

YES, SHE WAS IN THE SHOW TONIGHT.

Well, finally some encouraging news.

WHAT ELSE? HAS THAT GILBERT BEEN AROUND?

UH, MM-HMM.

- You betcha. - HOW MUCH HAVE YOU HAD TO DRINK, PATTY?

ENOUGH TO PUT ME TO SLEEP.

I LOVE IT HERE, MOM.

I WISH I COULD STAY AT THE CHELSEA FOREVER.

YOU REALLY NEVER FELT AT HOME IN SANTA BARBARA, DID YOU?

I MEAN, LOOKING BACK ON IT,

THERE WERE THINGS THAT I COULD'VE DONE DIFFERENTLY,

BUT I JUST ALWAYS FELT THAT I STOOD APART

FROM THE REST OF THE FAMILY SO MUCH.

I MEAN, MAYBE YOU GUYS COULD'VE--

COULD'VE WHAT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. IT'S ALL OKAY NOW.

BY THE WAY, DAD WANTS TO PASS THROUGH NEW YORK

ON ONE OF HIS UPCOMING TRIPS.

DO ME A FAVOR-- DON'T GET HIM A ROOM AT THE CHELSEA HOTEL.

YOU KNOW, I STILL NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR FATHER.

HE'S SUCH A CONVERSATIONALIST, HE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE WHOLE THING.

BUT THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY TALKING, MOM.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S KILLING TIME.

WELL, SOMETIMES

THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN ASK FOR.

THE BOYS ARE SO SO LAZY.

BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY TO LEAD THEM AS FAR AS YOU CAN.

YOU STILL HAVE ALL THAT HEAVY EQUIPMENT TO GET?

OH, HELLO.

WELCOME HOME, PATRICIA.

OH, YOU'RE A VISION.

DID YOU MAKE YOUR CONNECTING FLIGHT OKAY?

WHY, YES, WE DID.

OH.

DID YOU MAKE YOUR CONNECTING FLIGHT OKAY?

YES.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU GUYS TO LUNCH? YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

THEY CAN'T SPEAK TO YOU WHEN THEY'RE FILMING, BILL.

OH, TAKE TWO.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE TO LUNCH?

- ON CAMERA OR OFF? - MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. WE'LL PUT A LITTLE CAMI BEHIND IT

AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ABSOLUTELY FINE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?

MICHELLE, WOULD YOU PLEASE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY IT ON?

PATS. PATSY.

- VAL, HI. - HI THERE, VAL.

- BILL. - HI THERE, VAL.

SO I WAS GOING TO CALL YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

OH, JUST GRABBING A BITE AT EL PASEO.

WELL, DO STOP BY WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

I CAN SET YOU UP WITH A NEW SPRING OUTFIT,

COMPLETE WITH PURSE, HAT AND SHOES,

ALL ON THE HOUSE.

OH MY GOODNESS. WHY?

BECAUSE I'D LOVE AMERICA TO SEE MY NEW SPRING LINE IS WHY.

AND BILL PROMISED HE COULD GET ME A WARDROBE CREDIT.

OH, THAT'S MY BILL.

- DID I? - ALWAYS FULL OF PROMISES.

WELL WELL WELL, IT'S AMERICA'S PERFECT FAMILY.

- HI THERE, JEREMY. HOW'S IT GOING? - HI, BILL.

- SO NICE TO SEE YOU. - HI.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A MOVIE STAR?

WELL...

YOU GOT A NICE TAN WHILE I WAS AWAY.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, KIDDO.

THIS STRIKE'S GONNA DO ME IN.

ARE WE GONNA GO BROKE, BILL?

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT. LANCE LIVING IT UP IN NEW YORK--

I HOPE HE KNOWS HE'S ON A SHORT STRING THERE.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE MONEY ANYMORE.

HE LOVES MANHATTAN.

HE'S SO HAPPY HE BURSTS INTO SONG SOMETIMES.

HE HAS SUCH A SPARK OF LIFE,

LIKE NO ONE I'VE EVER KNOWN,

SO OPEN AND FUNNY.

THAT'S GREAT,

BUT HE'S GOT TO START THINKING ABOUT A JOB TOO.

THESE KIDS GOT TO LEARN THE VALUE OF WORK.

I TELL GRANT THAT HE CAN MAKE $10 AN HOUR

HAULING CEMENT FOR DAVID WITZELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES?

HE GIVES ME THAT WOLFMAN JACK DOG CALL--

"NO WAY, BROTHER. NO WAY.

I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE AND I'M PLAYING WITH THE BAND."

THAT BAND IS HIS DREAM, BILL.

WELL, OKAY, BUT HOW ABOUT FINDING A DREAM

THAT BRINGS IN SOME BUCKS?

WELL, HOW ABOUT RAISING PEOPLE

THAT HAVE A SHOT AT BEING HAPPY?

HOW ABOUT HAVING PARENTS THAT MAKE CERTAIN

THEIR KIDS KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,

WHAT THEY SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T DO?

I THINK THAT WOULD BE NICE TOO, DON'T YOU?

I KNOW THESE GUYS THINK YOUR LITTLE ESCAPADE

IN NEW YORK WAS MORE EXCITING

THAN FILMING ME HOLDING DOWN THE FORT HERE,

BUT BELIEVE ME, THIS WEEK OF BABYSITTING

GAVE ME A BETTER IDEA OF WHAT GOES ON WHEN I'M GONE.

REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

LIKE A 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

THAT STAYS OUT HALF THE NIGHT AFTER A DANCE PRACTICE--

2:00 A.M. ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, PAT?

SURE, IT'S FUN AND EASY BEING FRIENDS WITH YOUR KIDS,

BUT HOW ABOUT GIVING THEM A LITTLE STRUCTURE?

THIS CONVERSATION WILL END RIGHT HERE.

I'LL SPEAK TO CRAIG IN THE MORNING

ABOUT DROPPING THIS FROM THE FILM.

BAIT ME IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AGAIN

AND YOU'LL BE VERY VERY SORRY, BILL.

So you let her walk off just like that?

CRAIG, SHE LEFT ON HER OWN VOLITION.

I CAN'T INTERFERE WITH THE EVENTS AS THEY'RE HAPPENING.

WELL, YOU COULD'VE FOLLOWED HER.

There was finally genuine drama unfolding

AND YOU DIDN'T GET IT ON FILM.

BELIEVE ME, WE GOT PLENTY ON FILM.

Well, actually I think you barely scratched the surface.

AND I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS ATTITUDE.

This isn't about an attitude.

THIS IS ABOUT DOCUMENTARY ETHICS.

Alan, your job is to film the Louds--

NO JUDGMENTS, NO INVOLVEMENTS, NO PERSONAL FEELINGS.

- I know-- - THAT'S WHAT W.N.E.T. CONTRACTED YOU FOR

AND THAT'S WHERE YOUR ETHICAL RESPONSIBILITY LIES.

SO LET'S GET ON THE SAME PAGE HERE

AND YOU SHOOT WHAT I NEED TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL FILM.

- HAVE A NICE DAY. THANK YOU. - Okay, Craig--

WHEN CRAIG GILBERT HIRED US,

WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE GETTING INTO.

FIRST OF ALL, WE WERE JUST MARRIED

AND I THINK WE HAD SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE EXOTIC IN MIND

FOR OUR HONEYMOON THAN A ROOMFUL OF FILM EQUIPMENT.

WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

THE SUBJECT MATTER, I THINK-- FOR ME ANYWAY.

FOR ME IT WAS THE CHANCE TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING PURE--

CINEMA VERITE, THE CINEMA OF TRUTH.

HEY, DAD, YOUR TAXI'S HERE.

- OKAY, HONEY.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO.

HELLO?

HI, LANCE!

GUYS, IT'S LANCE. HE'S CALLING COLLECT.

ACCEPT THE CHARGES, SWEETIE.

- HELLO? - Hi!

HI, GUYS.

I have very exciting news.

WHAT IS IT, HONEY? DID YOU GET A JOB?

I'M GOING TO PARIS.

- PARIS? - HE GOT A JOB IN PARIS?

LANCE, ARE YOU IN HIGH SPIRITS AGAIN?

Am I-- am I--? Yes, I am in high spirits!

LANCE, LANCE, IT'S DAD.

- Hi, Dad. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN PARIS?

I AM DOING STREET THEATER. THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M DOING IT WITH THIS REALLY REALLY SUPER GROUP OF PEOPLE.

IS THAT ONE OF THOSE "UP WITH PEOPLE" KIND OF DEALS?

You know, I didn't ask, but I tell them how great you are,

not that I don't say that Mother isn't.

In fact, I think I say that Mother's a bit greater even than you,

but you know what I mean. Hold on a second.

HEY, GUYS, GET ME A TOASTED ALMOND.

OKAY, HONEY.

- CATCH. - OH, WE'RE RICH!

- Lance. - WHAT?

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO'S FINANCING THIS TRIP.

OH, UH,

THIS REALLY REALLY NICE,

VERY RICH MAN WHOSE NAME I DON'T REMEMBER.

- HE'S NOT GOING TO PARIS. - Maybe it's-- oh, I don't know.

- I GOTTA GO. - Paul or John or Ringo

OR SOMETHING.

HE'S NOT GOING TO PARIS.

HONEY, YOUR FATHER SAYS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PARIS.

I'M ACTUALLY FLATTERED.

NO ONE'S EVER TOLD ME THAT BEFORE.

Lance, honey, how are you really?

Have you been taking care of that cold?

I JUST NEED YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE PATIENT.

YOU'RE BURNING 18 ROLLS OF FILM PER DAY.

YOU'RE WAY OVER BUDGET AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH DRAMA.

NOW I THINK WE'VE BEEN MORE THAN PATIENT.

A HUGE PART OF THIS PROCESS IS ESTABLISHING

A COMFORTABLE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE SUBJECT AND THE CAMERA.

SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD HEAD OUT TO SANTA BARBARA

AND JUST PUSH THAT RELATIONSHIP ALONG.

WELCOME HOME.

OH MY GOD.

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? TO HELL AND BACK? - YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN BAKING ON A JOB SITE FOR THREE DAYS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME, KEMOSABE?

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A SHORT TRIP.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T GET A FREE MINUTE.

IT'S BAD OUT THERE, PATTY.

KERN COUNTY QUARRY HAD TO CLOSE DOWN

BECAUSE THE TEAMSTERS HAVE JOINED THE STRIKE

AND I GOT $200,000 WORTH OF EQUIPMENT

SITTING ON A DOCK IN GALVESTON.

WE CAN'T HIDE IT, MOM. THEY'VE GOT TO START HAMMERING.

MAN, ARE YOU BURNED.

HIDE WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELCOME TO WOODSTOCK WEST, MAN.

A NEW ROCK GROUP IS GONNA BREAK HERE ON SATURDAY.

YEAH, IT'LL HELP US GET SOME GIGS THIS SUMMER.

YOU HAVE A GIG THIS SUMMER, GRANT--

HAULING CEMENT IN ORANGE COUNTY FOR DAVID WITZELL.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE POURING CEMENT, GRANT.

I'M PUTTING YOU TO WORK TOO. LOOKS LIKE YOUR SUMMER BUSINESS TRIP

IS TO AUSTRALIA WITH BIG TODD TO HELP HIM PICK UP SOME NEW CLIENTS.

WAIT, HE GOES TO AUSTRALIA AND I SHOVEL CEMENT?

DO I LOOK LIKE CEMENT GUY?

DO I LOOK LIKE ARISTOTLE ONASSIS?

- WHO DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR ALL THIS? - WE DID.

- YOU DID? - YES.

REALLY? WITH WHAT MONEY?

THE MONEY MOM GAVE US FOR DOING CHORES.

WHERE DO YOU THINK MOM GETS HER MONEY?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS THIS LATER?

WHY WEREN'T YOU WEARING A SHIRT?

IT WAS A 110°.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE SUN WAS SO HOT.

THAT FEELS NICE

WHEN YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT.

WHY'D YOU STOP?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE WRONG IDEA.

WHAT IDEA IS THAT?

THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY WITH US.

YOU PROMISED ME THAT IF WE DID THIS SHOW YOU'D BE HOME MORE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS FLYING BACK HERE THINKING

EVEN IF MY BUSINESS FALLS APART,

I ALWAYS GOT YOU, I ALWAYS GOT THE FAMILY.

THEN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY FROM US?

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.

WELL, FOR STARTERS,

IT WOULD BE NICE IF ONCE IN A WHILE

YOU LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS WORTH SOMETHING.

A MAN NEEDS THAT FROM TIME TO TIME.

AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK IT IS A WOMAN NEEDS, BILL?

I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT A WOMAN NEEDS.

I THINK WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON THAT.

OW!

OW OW OW. STOP IT.

WHAT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

HONEY.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME,

THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER MATTERED.

OW.

- OH. - MY BACK.

HI.

YES, IS VAL AROUND? I'D LIKE TO TAKE HER UP ON HER OFFER.

HEY, PAT. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

MY BOYS ARE GIVING A CONCERT THIS WEEKEND.

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO LOOK GLAMOROUS.

HEY, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU. LOOK AT THIS.

I'VE GOT THESE ADORABLE LITTLE PASTEL JUMPERS WITH MATCHING SHOES

AND THERE'S A TURQUOISE ONE

THAT WOULD LOOK SUPER KEEN ON YOU.

WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

THAT'S QUITE A SUNBURN, VAL.

YEAH, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

ONE DAY OF GARDENING. YOU SHOULD SEE MY BACK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY?

THAT LOOKS LIKE MORE THAN ONE DAY OF GARDENING TO ME.

TWO AND A HALF.

I LIED.

TWO AND A HALF.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD GET A JOB WITH COPPERTONE.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU WANT TO TRY IT ON? IT COMES IN FIVE COLORS.

- I'LL TAKE ONE OF EACH. - OH.

AND FORGET THE FREEBIE. BILL TOLD ME TO USE HIS CREDIT CARD

AND BUY WHATEVER I WANT, NO MATTER WHAT THE PRICE.

WELL, THAT'S REALLY--

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D THINK

HE WAS FEELING A LITTLE BIT GUILTY, WOULDN'T YOU?

OR MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT HE LOVES ME SO.

UM, COME TO THINK OF IT, I'LL NEED SOME SHOES

AND, UM, YEAH, SOME LUGGAGE MAYBE.

YEAH, I MIGHT BE TRAVELING SOON WITH THE CHILDREN.

IT'LL BREAK BILL'S HEART TO BE LEFT HERE ALL ALONE,

BUT I TOLD THE GIRLS WE MIGHT GO TO TAOS THIS SUMMER.

HOW WOULD THAT WORK FOR YOU?

COULD I SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT ON EARTH IS YOUR PROBLEM?

YOU OFFERED TO SHOW ME YOUR SUNBURNED BACK. DO YOU MIND?

I THINK THOSE CAMERAS FOLLOWING YOU AROUND

HAS MADE YOU A LITTLE NUTS.

ARE YOU COMING TO THE CONCERT?

I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD.

OH, THE BOYS WOULD BE HURT IF YOU DIDN'T COME.

WE'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF YOU AS FAMILY, VAL.

¶ WE'LL BE FIGHTING IN THE STREET ¶

¶ WITH OUR CHILDREN AT OUR FEET ¶

¶ AND THE MORALS THAT THEY WORSHIP ¶

¶ WILL BE GONE ¶

¶ I'LL TIP MY HAT TO THE NEW CONSTITUTION ¶

¶ TAKE A BOW FOR THE NEW REVOLUTION ¶

¶ SMILE AND GRIN AT THE CHANGE ALL AROUND ¶

¶ PICK UP MY GUITAR AND PLAY ¶

¶ JUST LIKE YESTERDAY ¶

¶ AND I'LL GET ON MY KNEES AND PRAY ¶

¶ WE DON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN... ¶

PAT LOUD? THE PAT LOUD?

I'M CRAIG GILBERT FROM NEW YORK. I'M A BIG FAN.

I THOUGHT FANS WERE LOYAL.

IT'S REALLY BEEN QUITE A WHILE, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW, I KNOW. I COULDN'T GET AWAY.

BUT I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU EVERY DAY IN DAILIES

AND YOU ARE AMAZING IN EVERY FRAME.

ARE ALL MEN BULLSHITTERS, CRAIG, OR JUST THE ONES IN MY LIFE?

FOR A GROUP TO ATTAIN SUPER STARDOM,

THEY HAVE TO BE ABOUT ONE PERSON.

NOW, THE SUPREMES HAVE IT. THE EMOTIONS DON'T.

SO DO THESE KIDS STAND A CHANCE AT MAKING IT?

- I'M TOM, BY THE WAY-- PATTY'S BROTHER. - HELLO.

SURE, THEY'RE GREAT. THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY STICK WITH IT.

OH, NOW THAT'S EASY FOR A GUY WITH NO KIDS TO SAY.

LIFE'S ALL ABOUT CHASING YOUR DREAMS, RIGHT?

WHY, I EVEN GOT ONE WHO THINKS I'M GONNA FLY HIM OFF TO PARIS.

WELL, ACTUALLY HE'S IN PARIS.

HE'S WHAT?

AND I SENT A CINEMATOGRAPHER OFF AFTER HIM.

GOOD FOR OLD LANCE.

HE GOT SOMEONE TO PAY FOR A TRIP OTHER THAN HIS OLD MAN.

FINE BY ME.

- ALAN. - WELL, IT'S NOT FINE BY ME.

AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT PARIS FOOTAGE.

IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO SEE ALL THE FOOTAGE AND FIND OUT

WHAT THE HELL ELSE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY FAMILY

AND WHAT YOU'RE AIMING FOR WITH ANY OF THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

THINK OF A SPACESHIP LANDING ON EARTH

1,000 YEARS FROM NOW AND FINDING A TIME CAPSULE.

AND INSIDE THAT TIME CAPSULE IS A FILM.

AND ON THE FILM EVERYONE IS SMILING

AND SAFE IN THE CERTAINTY OF EACH OTHER'S LOVE.

BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, ALL THE ALIENS FOUND

WAS AN OLD EPISODE OF "THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY."

NOW IS THAT WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO LEAVE BEHIND AS A CULTURE--

SOMETHING THAT'S THE COMPLETE ANTITHESIS OF HOW WE REALLY LIVE,

FUMBLING AROUND IN CONFUSION?

OH, THAT'S FULL OF SHIT.

FUMBLING AROUND IN CONFUSION?

THE LOUDS ARE NOT CONFUSED

AND WE ARE NOT FUMBLING AROUND.

I AM FINE.

MY FAMILY IS FINE.

I AM GOING TO COME TO THE MOTEL

TO LOOK AT SOME FOOTAGE TOMORROW, CRAIG.

AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING ABOUT IT THAT GIVES A FALSE IMPRESSION

THAT WE ARE STRUGGLING TO MAKE SENSE OF OUR LIVES,

IT'S NOT GOING ON THE AIR.

Who did that?

Our sons are criminals.

I have to wash my hair again tonight.

THERE'S 86,000' OF FILM THERE, PAT,

EVERY FRAME AS GOOD AS THAT.

NOW WE COULD SIT HERE FOR DAYS

AND I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO--

NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

I'LL SEND A PROJECTOR OVER WHEN THE PARIS FOOTAGE COMES IN.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR LAST NIGHT.

I'VE BEEN HAVING KIND OF A TOUGH TIME.

WELL, THAT'S CLEAR TO SEE.

ARE YOU AND BILL HAVING PROBLEMS?

THE PAINFUL TRUTH IS

THAT YES, WE HAVE HAD A ROCKY PAST AND...

NOW I'M NOT SURE WHERE WE ARE.

WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK FOR BILL,

BUT THE PAT LOUD THAT I SEE IS A VISION

OF A LIBERATED MODERN WOMAN.

PANTSUITS WILL DO THAT.

IN FACT, I SEE A ROLE MODEL.

WOMEN ALL ACROSS AMERICA ARE GOING TO LOOK TO YOU

FOR A ROADMAP OF HOW TO BE AND WHO TO BE.

YOU'RE IN THE POSITION TO SHOW WOMEN,

WHOSE STRENGTH IS ERODING,

HOW TO TAKE BACK THEIR LIVES.

AS USUAL, YOU ARE VERY ELOQUENT.

WELL, LAST NIGHT YOU ASKED ME IF I WAS A BULLSHITTER.

ARE YOU?

TEST ME.

WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD YOU WHAT I THOUGHT OF YOU.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ME?

I THOUGHT,

"IF THAT GUY CAN FIX HIS FLABBY BODY,

I'VE MET MY PERFECT MAN."

I ALWAYS FANTASIZED THAT IF I COULD FIND THE RIGHT MAN,

I'D LEAVE HIM.

BECAUSE I CANNOT LIVE ALONE.

I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T DO IT.

I'M GOING THROUGH THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE NOW

WHERE LANCE HAS LEFT.

SOON THE REST OF MY KIDS WILL FOLLOW.

AND WHAT HAVE I GOT LEFT?

I HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING LEFT.

IT SCARES ME TO DEATH.

- HEY. - DON'T TALK. JUST LISTEN.

I PROMISED THE GIRLS A TRIP TO TAOS.

WE'LL GO AS SOON AS SCHOOL'S OUT.

I WANT DELILAH TO HAVE A BREAK FROM BRAD.

SHE CAN TAKE A FRIEND INSTEAD.

I'LL FIND A HORSE FOR MICHELE TO RIDE.

GRANT'S WILLING TO GIVE IT A TRY IN ORANGE COUNTY

SHOVELING CEMENT.

AND KEVIN WILL ACCOMPANY TODD MAN TO AUSTRALIA.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY LISTENED TO ME.

NOBODY'S LISTENING TO YOU.

I JUST WANT EVERYONE ACCOUNTED FOR BEFORE I GO,

SO NO ONE'S IN DANGER OF DESERTION.

SO NOW GOING TO WORK IS DESERTION TO YOU?

I'M GOING AWAY TO GET SOME CLARITY

ABOUT WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT ISN'T.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO GET AWAY, PAT.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO RIDE ALL RIGHT, HUH?

- BYE-BYE, LITTLE DARLING. - BYE, DAD. I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

I LEFT THE NUMBER OF THE HOUSE WE'RE STAYING AT.

I EXPECT YOU TO CALL ME COLLECT AS SOON AS YOU GET TO AUSTRALIA.

- ALL RIGHT? - I WILL.

- BYE. - WHEN DO YOU COME TO TAOS?

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU CAN ANSWER ME.

- WE'LL FLY UP OVER THE WEEKEND. - NEAT.

WHO AM I GONNA TAKE TO THE FIESTA DAY PARADE?

OH WELL, I MIGHT BE BACK BY THEN, SO...

THE HECK YOU WILL.

MOM, YOU SAID THAT IF I REALLY MISSED BRAD THAT I COULD COME BACK.

I MADE LUNCH FOR ALL YOU GUYS BY THE POOL.

- BYE, GRANT. - BYE.

- BYE, KEVIN. - DELILAH.

- BYE, DELILAH. - BYE, BRAD.

BYE, BRAD.

OH, I LOVE YOU, BRAD.

NO, RAY DAVIES. I'M TELLING YOU.

- RAY DAVIES. - RAY DAVIES?

I DON'T LIKE HIM AS MUCH.

- "CHANGES" IS GOOD. - "LIFE ON MARS."

"LIFE ON MARS" IS GOOD.

ALAN, SUSAN,

I'M HEADING DOWN TO MY OFFICE IN ABOUT AN HOUR

AND IF YOU WANT TO COME ALONG,

I'VE GOT SOME PRETTY INTERESTING STUFF COMING DOWN THE PIKE TODAY.

THEY'RE FILMING ME BUYING A NEW BUSINESS SUIT, DAD.

YEAH, AND THEN BAND PRACTICE.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.

MAYBE TOMORROW, BILL.

HELLO.

- CRAIG, IT'S BILL. - Bill... hi.

DID THEY GET OFF OKAY?

They did, a few hours ago.

LISTEN, HOW LONG ARE YOU AROUND FOR?

I'M OUT ON A RED-EYE. WHY?

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR TODAY.

WELL, IF IT'S IN MY POWER, SURE.

WELL, CRAIG, I HAVE A FRIEND

who would like to get into show business.

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

JUST GIVE HER SOME ADVICE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHING, THAT'D BE GREAT.

PERSONALLY I THINK SHE'S A KNOCKOUT.

IT'S CLEAR TO YOU I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PRODUCER, RIGHT?

- BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW THAT. - YEAH.

AND PATTY DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS EITHER.

I HAVEN'T BEEN AN ANGEL, CRAIG,

BUT I'M SURE YOU'VE FIGURED THAT OUT,

CONSIDERING ALL THE TIME YOU TWO HAVE BEEN SPENDING TOGETHER.

ANYWAY, I LEARNED THE HARD WAY TO BE VERY CAREFUL,

KEEP ANY SOUVENIRS THAT MIGHT GET HER STARTED OUT OF SIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SOUVENIRS"?

WELL, YOU KNOW, MATCHBOOKS,

SWIZZLE STICKS, PHOTOS--

STUFF TO LOOK BACK ON

AND SEE THAT THERE WAS MORE TO THAT BILL LOUD GUY

THAN JUST SOME PACK MULE SLAVING AWAY

FOR EVERYBODY ELSE'S SHOT AT SELF-FULFILLMENT.

WELL, LIKE I'VE SAID, EVERY HUSBAND DESERVES A HIDING PLACE.

THEY'VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT RIGHT IN EUROPE--

A MAN'S A MAN AND FAMILY'S SACRED.

BUT A MAN IN YOUR SITUATION,

YOUR MARRIAGE BEING WHAT IT IS,

YOU PROBABLY UNDERSTAND THAT MORE THAN ANYBODY.

I KNOW I'M SHAPING UP TO BE THE SQUARE OF YOUR SHOW.

MAYBE I'VE GOT MORE GOING ON THAN YOU THINK.

SALLY IS LIKE A SISTER TO ME.

- YEAH. - A BAD SISTER.

SO DOESN'T SHE PHOTOGRAPH GREAT, CRAIG?

- DON'T YOU THINK? - OH, BILLY, THAT ONE?

- VERY LOVELY. - THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I TELL HER THE PROBLEM IS?

TOO MUCH LIKE BRIGITTE BARDOT.

YES. YES, I SEE THAT.

DO YOUR THING, YOU KNOW, THE--

- OH BILLY. - GO AHEAD.

OKAY.

"AND I, OF LADIES

MOST DEJECT AND WRETCHED,

THAT SUCKED THE HONEY OF HIS MUSIC VOWS,

NOW SEE THAT NOBLE AND MOST SOVEREIGN REASON

LIKE SWEET BELLS JANGLED

OUT OF TUNE AND HARSH, THAT--"

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, BUT I THINK IT'S GREAT.

IT'S OPHELIA.

- VERY NICE. - THANK YOU.

- SHAKESPEARE. - AH.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, CRAIG?

I THINK I MIGHT KNOW SOMEONE THAT WOULD BE QUITE INTERESTED IN THESE.

¶ SHE'S BOUGHT A HAT LIKE PRINCESS MARINA'S ¶

¶ AND HER NEIGHBORS THINK IT SUITS HER A TREAT ¶

¶ BUT SHE HASN'T ANY FOOD ¶

¶ IN THE WHOLE LARDER ¶

¶ NOR HAS ANYBODY ELSE ¶

¶ IN THE STREET ¶

¶ BUT SHE SMILES AND YOU'D THINK ¶

¶ SHE WAS WEALTHY ¶

¶ SHE SMILES JUST LIKE A REAL MILLIONAIRE... ¶

- OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN'T KNOW THERE'S A CAMERA THERE. - MY BROTHER'S SO SHY.

¶ ...PRINCESS MARINA ¶

- ¶ 'CAUSE SHE DON'T CARE. ¶ - Pat: OH YEAH.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LANCE LOUD.

- GO LANCE! - I LIKED IT.

MOM.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO START WHINING.

WELL, YOU SAID THAT WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT.

AFTER JUST 10 DAYS, DELILAH?

MOM, 10 DAYS IN TAOS IS AN ETERNITY.

MISS LOUD, MY MOM SAID I CAN TAKE THE BUS BACK IF DELILAH COMES WITH.

- HELLO? - WHO IS IT, SWEETIE?

HI. MR. GILBERT.

DAD SAID THAT WE COULD COME BACK WHENEVER WE WANTED, JUST CALL ANYTIME.

HE SAID HE'D HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE. MOM.

FINE. TAKE THE BUS TOMORROW.

YES!

AT LAST, A GROWNUP TO TALK TO.

- HOW'S YOUR TRIP? - Fine.

I was kind of hoping that you might turn up here tomorrow.

- Why? - FEELING A LITTLE SULTRY, I GUESS.

Listen, this is...

VERY HARD FOR ME TO DISCUSS.

I'VE BEEN DEBATING WHETHER TO CALL OR NOT.

But as a friend, I felt that I should.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?

I saw Bill before I left

AND HE TOOK ME FOR A RIDE TO MALIBU

to see a friend.

WHO? ANDY PLATT?

NO NO, NOT ANDY PLATT.

HER NAME WAS SALLY.

And she gave me an 8x10 glossy

AND A TAPE OF HER SINGING "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."

LOOK, I CAN FLY OUT TO SANTA BARBARA TOMORROW

AND YOU CAN MEET ME THERE

and we'll talk things through.

I understand what you're feeling.

I'M STILL RAW FROM MY OWN SITUATION.

- Patty. - WE'RE FILMING TOMORROW.

WELL, I'M THE PRODUCER. I CAN CHANGE THE SCHEDULE.

No.

IF SINGING SALLY EVER SEES ME ON TV,

I WANT HER TO SEE ME HERE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

HONESTLY, IF I HEAR ANOTHER ACCORDION,

I'M GOING TO VOMIT ALL OVER THIS TABLE. I REALLY AM.

I'M SERIOUS, CAN'T YOU ASK YOUR FATHER FOR MORE MONEY?

I'M GETTING BORED HERE.

BORED IN PARIS-- WHO KNEW THAT WAS POSSIBLE?

I ACTUALLY MISS SANTA BARBARA.

In Santa Barbara, firefighters continue to battle a wildfire

that started in the ridges above Mountain Drive.

One home has been lost and many more are threatened.

Police and firemen are evacuating residents...

OH, MOM, IT'S BURNING AROUND HERE.

I'm here alone. I don't know what to do.

PUT YOUR FATHER ON THE PHONE.

NO, HE'S NOT HERE EITHER. HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.

- WHAT? - He called to say

THAT HE WAS AWAY ON BUSINESS, BUT HE WOULDN'T SAY WHERE.

SON OF A BITCH. LISTEN, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

- THE POLICE ARE HERE. - I'm still 10 hours away.

OH, MOM, I THINK THE COPS ARE HERE FOR US.

GO GO. FOR GOD'S SAKE, GO.

MOM!

GRANT.

- OH BABIES. - MOM.

- DELILAH. - MOM, THE ENTIRE HILL WAS BURNING.

I WAS SO WORRIED.

- WE'RE OKAY. - IT'S OKAY, MOM.

I'M FINE. REALLY, IT'S OKAY.

- OH MY GOD. - MOM, LANCE IS COMING HOME.

WHAT?

MY BABIES ARE COMING HOME.

A TRUE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT.

OH MY GOSH.

WHO IS THIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HI! YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- I FOUND THIS IN FRANCE. - OH MY GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT. YOU CAN THROW IT ON.

YOU CAN WEAR IT FOR A CONCERT,

JUST TO REALLY SPARK UP SANTA BARBARA AND ALL THAT.

HEY, DAD'S HOME.

WELL, IT'S THE LONE RANGER.

- HI, DAD. - MY WORLD TRAVELER.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? YOU LOOK GOOD.

OH WAIT, LOOK. I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

OH, THANK YOU, LANCE.

THAT'S A SHARP-LOOKING TIE THERE, LANCE.

- YOU LIKE IT? - IT SURE IS. YEAH.

- IT HAS LOTS OF COLORS. - THANK YOU.

THAT'S FOR YOU.

OOH, WHAT'S THIS, KEMOSABE?

$300,000 WORTH OF SHOVEL TEETH.

THAT'S MORE THAN WORTH THE WEEKEND

IN THE HELL HOLE OF FRESNO, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS HELL, BILL.

SAY, ISN'T THIS FIESTA DAY?

WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE PARADE?

PATTY?

WELL, I'M SHOPPING FOR HELEN HARRISON.

YOU KNOW, HER HOUSE BURNED DOWN.

OH YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THE FIRE.

YEAH, I ALMOST DIED.

YOU ALMOST DIED? WOW.

WELL, THAT'S AWFUL, BIG D.

WHEN I GOT HERE ON WEDNESDAY, THE WHOLE PATIO WAS COVERED IN ASH.

IS THAT WHY THAT POOL'S SO GREEN?

NO, THAT'S ALGAE.

THE POOL MAN LEFT A NOTE. HE COULDN'T GET IN.

APPARENTLY YOU LOCKED THE PATIO

WHEN YOU WENT TO, UM, FRESNO.

BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS, THAT WAS QUITE SOME TIME AGO.

WELL, I MADE IT BACK FOR FIESTA.

HOW ABOUT I FLIP SOME BURGERS

FOR THE COMMUNITY BUFFET AT EL PASEO TONIGHT?

WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, BILL? WHY DON'T YOU FLIP SOME BURGERS FOR THE BUFFET?

I'M SURE THE CREW WOULD LOVE TO GET A NICE SHOT OF THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD TRUTH IS?

THE KIDS ADORE THEIR DADDY.

EVEN LANCE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE

HE LOST THE LINK TO ANYTHING THAT'S REAL--

TO ME, TO THEM, TO HIS HOME.

AND I'VE FINALLY GIVEN UP ON PULLING HIM BACK.

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

WOW, THE MENU HASN'T CHANGED.

OH, YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

I ACTUALLY--

I PICKED UP A MAN IN THAT BAR ONCE.

REALLY?

WELL, I'M ASTONISHED.

WHAT, THAT I COULD DO SUCH A THING?

NO, THAT YOU WOULD TELL ME.

BACK WHEN I CAUGHT BILL RUNNING AROUND,

HE KEPT GOING ON AND ON ABOUT AN OPEN MARRIAGE.

I GUESS I WAS ALREADY IN ONE,

JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT.

ANYWAY, HE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGED ME

TO PARTICIPATE.

I GAVE IT A TRY.

IT WASN'T FOR ME.

AND THEN I--

I GAVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM.

I THINK THAT MEN HANDLE AGING DIFFERENTLY THAN WOMEN.

ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN, ALAN.

READY? HERE WE GO.

- WOW. - NO NO, WAIT.

CUT. ROLL AGAIN. HERE WE GO.

READY? ALAN, READY? ALAN, READY?

LANCE, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?

WHERE'S PATTY? SHE LOVES THIS.

AH, THERE SHE IS.

SHE CERTAINLY ISN'T WINNING ANY POINTS

FOR ELEGANCE NOW, IS SHE?

YOU'D THINK I'D BE HAPPY SHE'S NO BEAUTY QUEEN.

SOMEHOW IT JUST MAKES IT ALL A LITTLE WORSE.

DID I DO THE WRONG THING SHOWING IT TO YOU?

NO, I--

I'VE BUILT AN ENTIRE LIFE LOOKING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

I THINK IT'S TIME I LOOKED THEM IN THE EYE.

WELL, THERE'S MORE TO TELL

IF YOU'RE READY TO HEAR IT.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO HEAR THAT TAPE OF HER SINGING.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

I COULD REALLY USE A LAUGH.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

IT'S UP IN MY ROOM. I'LL GO GET IT.

WAIT, I'LL GO WITH YOU.

- REALLY? - WELL, WHY NOT?

I'M USED TO RAISING EYEBROWS IN THIS PLACE.

ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU READ THAT LAST ONE? YOU DIDN'T READ THAT LAST ONE, DID YOU?

KAY, I INSIST YOU SIT RIGHT HERE.

VIVA LA FIESTA, PATRICIA.

I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT, KAY,

BUT I ENVIED YOUR HUSBAND FROM THE MOMENT WE MET.

AND I PITIED YOUR WIFE.

OH, SHE'S ALWAYS MAD AT ME, KAY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.

I'M AT A DANGEROUS AGE.

14 IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT.

- ARE YOU GETTING THIS? - UNBELIEVABLE.

TELL JERRY I HOPE HE FEELS BETTER.

PAN RIGHT AND PREPARE TO SHIT YOUR PANTS.

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING?

- SOMETHING TO EAT? - SOME STEAKS.

- RARE? - THANK YOU.

KEEP IT COMING. THANK YOU, SENOR.

HEY, DARLING, I SAVED THIS SPACE JUST FOR YOU.

HERE, USE THIS.

OH, THERE YOU ARE. WHAT'S THAT FOR?

- HER PHONE NUMBER. - THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE-- CECIL B. DeMILLE.

WELCOME TO FIESTA, MR. DeMILLE.

- VIVA LA FIESTA, BILL. - VIVA LA FIESTA.

CRAIG, YOU CAN'T BE IN THE SHOT.

JUST FRAME ME OUT.

PATTY AND I HAD A LONG TALK AND SHE WANTS ME HERE.

- WHAT FOR? - MORAL SUPPORT.

PUT THAT THING ON YOUR SHOULDER AND SHOOT.

- WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? - GETTING A DRINK.

GETTING A DRINK?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M PRETTY DAMN HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

JUST A BARREL OF LAUGHS, HUH, PATTY?

- BECAUSE LIFE WITH YOU IS A SAD COMEDY. - WHAT?

I'M JUST SORRY THAT EVERYBODY REALLY HAS TO GO THROUGH

THIS RIDICULOUS, CLOWN-LIKE CIRCUS.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY REMEMBER

WHEN YOU WERE FUN, PATRICIA--

THE FIRST ON THE DANCE FLOOR

AND THE LAST TO LEAVE THE PARTY.

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE CONFUSING ME WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, BILL.

NO, THAT WAS YOU UNTIL YOU TURNED INTO THIS.

WHAT DID I TURN INTO, BILL?

SOMEONE THAT LIVES TO PUT ME DOWN,

BRING ME DOWN.

AH, WELL,

I DON'T SEEM TO BE DOING VERY WELL AT THAT.

YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE TODAY,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

IN FACT, I THINK I'M GONNA SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?

I THINK SHE'S OVER THERE SOMEWHERE.

SAVE YOU FROM HAVING TO SNOOP AROUND MY CLOSET AND OPEN MY DRAWERS.

SEND ME TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR FOR TRYING TO HAVE

A LITTLE FUN LIKE I'M HAVING TODAY

BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO A DOWNER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, PATTY?

I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

I THINK YOU ARE A PATHETIC FOOL,

SAD, LUDICROUS,

- IDIOTIC, INCOMPREHENSIBLE. - WHAT ELSE?

SCHIZOPHRENIC, SADOMASOCHISTIC--

GIVE ME THAT PEN.

I WANT TO WRITE THIS DOWN, PATTY.

THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF.

WELL, DON'T LEAVE OUT GODDAMN ASSHOLE!

THAT'S IT. WE'RE DONE. WE'RE LEAVING.

VERY GOOD. WHAT WAS THAT? SCHIZOPHRENIC?

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT, PAT?

ALAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TECHNICAL PROBLEMS, CRAIG.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, GET THE SECOND CAMERA.

WE'RE OUT OF FILM.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

- GET BACK IN THERE. - WHOA WHOA.

THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

THE BEST STUFF IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

SUSAN AND I HAVE ESTABLISHED A TRUST WITH THIS FAMILY, CRAIG.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM.

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM DESTROYED BY YOUR FILM.

THEY'RE DESTROYING THEMSELVES.

THEY'VE BEEN DESTROYING THEMSELVES LONG BEFORE WE GOT HERE

AND THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT SHY ABOUT IT.

THEY FORGOT WE WERE EVEN THERE, MAN!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT, ISN'T IT? THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

WE'RE FINALLY SUCCESSFUL AND YOU'RE FUCKING IT ALL UP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM?

I DO. I CARE ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

BUT THERE'S A MUCH BIGGER PICTURE HERE

THAT YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

ONLY TO YOU, CRAIG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK, ALAN?

I THINK YOU SAW SOMETHING IN THERE THAT TERRIFIED YOU.

AND IF I WERE YOU, SUSAN, I'D BE VERY WORRIED.

- THAT'S IT! - WHOA WHOA WHOA.

- ALAN! GUYS! - SON OF A BITCH!

- ALAN, COME ON. - ARE YOU OKAY?

CONGRATULATIONS, TOMMY. YOU JUST GOT YOUR BOSS'S JOB.

PICK UP THE CAMERA AND LET'S GO BACK INSIDE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S MY EQUIPMENT.

- ALL RIGHT, CALL THE POLICE. GO, CALL THE POLICE. - REALLY, CRAIG?

YOU WANT US TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT YOUR DOCUMENTARY TECHNIQUE,

ABOUT HOW YOU OVERSTEP ALL ACCEPTABLE BOUNDARIES?

- DO YOU NEED HELP, MRS. LOUD? - OH.

YES, MY HUSBAND SENT ME FOR SOMETHING HE FORGOT.

HELLO.

I'M DOING IT-- LEAVING HIM.

And I want to do it on camera.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TOO,

ISN'T IT, AFTER ALL, CRAIG?

PATTY, I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT.

BUT NOT TELLING THE CHILDREN--

I NEED TO DO THAT ALONE.

AND MY BROTHER ALONE TOO.

No cameras.

BUT BILL--

YOU CAN FILM THAT, BABY--

ME TELLING HIM TO GO TO HELL,

NEVER COME BACK.

I WANT THE WOMEN OF AMERICA TO SEE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT HIS BIMBOS TO SEE.

ALL RIGHT, PATTY, WE NEED TO GET TOGETHER AND TALK ABOUT THIS.

Not you.

JUST ME AND BILL

AND ALAN AND SUSAN, NO ONE ELSE.

All right. Whatever you wish.

¶ WAY OVER YONDER... ¶

THE HARDEST THING THAT I CAN THINK OF IN LIFE

IS DISAPPOINTING THE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE THE MOST

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

AND I'M ABOUT TO DO THAT.

DIVORCED? WE CAN'T GET DIVORCED.

WE'RE THE AMERICAN FAMILY.

I'LL GO TO GLENDALE IN THE MORNING

AND SPEAK WITH UNCLE TOM AND AUNT YVONNE FIRST.

AND...

I'LL TELL YOUR DAD TOMORROW NIGHT

WHEN HE COMES HOME.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, SWEETIE.

MOM.

¶ WAY OVER YONDER ¶

¶ THAT'S WHERE I'M BOUND. ¶

WHAT THE HELL?

TOM?

ALAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOADING THE MAG.

WHY? WE'RE NOT FILMING WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

CRAIG CALLED ME. HE TOLD YOU APPROVED THIS.

CRAIG'S HERE?

OH, YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!

I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, BUT LET'S HAVE A DRINK

AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT. HERE.

- YOU GAVE YOUR WORD. - JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.

- I SAID NO FILMING HERE. - JUST HEAR ME OUT, PLEASE.

NO, YOU HEAR ME OUT!

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO,

IS HEAR YOU OUT IN YOUR OWN WORDS,

SPOKEN TO PEOPLE WHO WON'T INTERRUPT YOU OR ARGUE WITH YOU

OR SHUT YOU DOWN OR WALK OUT WITHOUT LISTENING,

BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT BILL'S GOING TO DO

WHEN YOU GIVE HIM HIS WALKING PAPERS.

AND THEN NO ONE WILL KNOW ABOUT ALL THE YEARS OF LIES

AND HUMILIATIONS AND BETRAYALS THAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE FANCY WORDS ABOUT THE THRESHOLD OF PRIVACY, HUH?

IT HAS TO BE CROSSED. IT HAS TO BE CROSSED RIGHT NOW

FOR THIS FILM TO HAVE ANY KIND OF EMOTIONAL IMPACT.

THEN GO MAKE A GODDAMN LASSIE MOVIE!

THERE'S REAL SUFFERING HAPPENING HERE, CRAIG.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN MY KIDS LAST NIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD'VE SEEN YOUR KIDS.

AND THE WHOLE WORLD SHOULD'VE SEEN YOUR KIDS.

AND FRANKLY, WITHOUT THAT AND WITHOUT THIS,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS THING IS WORTH PUTTING ON THE AIR.

- THAT'S FINE BY ME. - REALLY?

WHAT ABOUT ALAN AND SUSAN AND TOMMY

WHO'VE WORKED 24 HOURS A DAY FOR THE LAST GOD KNOWS HOW MANY MONTHS?

OR ALL THE PEOPLE IN NEW YORK WHO YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT

WHO'VE BEEN SIFTING THROUGH MORE FOOTAGE

THAN WAS EVER SHOT FOR WORLD WAR II?

AND THE MILLION DOLLARS THE NETWORK HAS SPENT

BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE IN YOU?

NOT ME, YOU--

YOU AND YOUR STORY

AND YOUR ABILITY TO EXPRESS IT.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR SONS WHO THINK THAT THIS FILM

CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE? AND THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

AND ALL THE WOMEN--

ALL THE WOMEN WHO ARE OUT THERE

WHO ARE IN THE SAME POSITION AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW,

BUT THEY'RE ALONE AND THEY'RE LOST AND THEY'RE SCARED

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND YOU CAN SHOW THEM.

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S NOT PUT IT ON THE AIR.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU LISTEN TO ME.

LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE, NOT YOU!

JUST SUSAN AND ALAN.

WHEN BILL WOULD GO AWAY,

I WAS JUST LEFT AT HOME WITH MY OWN WORST FEARS.

UNRETURNED PHONE CALLS,

LATE-NIGHT HANG-UPS--

IT ALL JUST MADE ME SO PARANOID.

THAT BLISSFUL DELUSION OF FAITHFULNESS,

THAT NEED TO BELIEVE

THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY--

IT DIED THE NIGHT OF THE FILES.

LIFE DOESN'T GO ON THE WAY YOU PLAN IT.

WHEN YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT,

YOU JUST BECOME THIS UNLOVABLE PERSON.

I'VE MADE MISTAKES--

A LOT OF THEM.

I THOUGHT IF BILL COULDN'T LIVE UP TO THE TRUTH,

AT LEAST HE COULD LIVE UP TO THE FACADE.

HOW DID THE KIDS TAKE ALL OF THIS?

HARD.

YOU KNOW WHO TOOK IT THE HARDEST OF ALL, DON'T YOU?

LANCE?

HE'S THE ONE HE UNDERSTOOD THE LEAST.

HEY.

I'M CUTTING.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

LISTEN, I KNOW THAT WASN'T EASY.

COME ON.

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT WAS MY BEST SCENE.

PATTY, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET.

BUT AFTER TONIGHT, THE HARD PART IS OVER.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GO. COME ON.

COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE HOUSE BEFORE BILL.

COME ON!

BARBARA, IT'S PATTY.

LISTEN, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

YOU NEED TO TELL BILL NOT TO COME HOME TONIGHT.

I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT SOMETHING

AND I DON'T WANT HIM HOME.

HEY, MAN, YOUR MOM.

GRANT, HONEY, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

EXCUSE US.

I NEED YOU TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOUR FATHER.

- WHAT? - I KNOW.

HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO DO THAT, MOM?

HOPEFULLY BARBARA WILL HAVE GOTTEN TO HIM IN TIME

AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, SWEETIE. BUT IF SHE HASN'T--

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO HIM?

THE TRUTH. TELL HIM THAT I'M TELLING HIM TO MOVE OUT AND THAT I--

I DON'T WANT TO HUMILIATE HIM IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, HONEY.

YOU'LL BE DOING YOUR FATHER A FAVOR THAT HE'LL NEVER FORGET.

¶ SOMEBODY HOLDS THE KEY ¶

¶ BUT I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME ¶

¶ STILL I CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME ¶

¶ AND I AIN'T DONE NOTHING WRONG... ¶

MY BIG MAN'S BEEN HAULING CONCRETE FOR A LIVING,

- YEAH. - STRONG AS AN OX.

HAS YOUR MOTHER BEEN DRIVING THE MERCEDES?

GRANT?

UH, THE MERCEDES.

YEAH. YES.

DID YOU TALK TO YOUR SECRETARY TODAY?

NO, I HAVEN'T. WHY?

NOTHING. I WAS JUST WONDERING

HOW EVERYTHING WAS GOING AT THE OFFICE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE EVER ASKED ME THAT BEFORE.

IT MUST BE BECAUSE YOU'RE EARNING YOUR KEEP THIS SUMMER.

NOW YOU CAN APPRECIATE WHAT IT TAKES

TO BRING HOME A BUCK OR TWO.

I SOMETIMES WONDER IF YOUR MOTHER HAD TO WORK

WHETHER SHE'D HAVE MORE APPRECIATION FOR THE OLD MAN.

HOW'S SHE DOING, BY THE WAY?

MOM? SHE'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW MOM.

I SURE DO. I SURE DO.

¶ The changing ¶

¶ Of sunlight ¶

¶ To moonlight ¶

¶ Reflections of my life ¶

¶ Oh, how they fill my eyes... ¶

Nixon devalued the dollar today. Did you know that?

WELL, IT'S LIT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS IN HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU. - WHY NOT?

COME ON, BILL. WE BOTH KNOW.

- KNOW WHAT? - YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?

DIDN'T YOU GET A CALL FROM BARBARA?

I DIDN'T TALK TO HER TODAY.

DIDN'T GRANT SAY ANYTHING?

GRANT? ABOUT WHAT?

- BIG D! - HI, DAD.

- OH. - IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AT LEAST SOMEBODY IS GLAD TO SEE ME COME HOME.

NOW WHAT'S THIS ABOUT BARBARA NOW? WHAT DID--?

BILL, DON'T YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

DON'T BE PLAYING WITH ME, BILL.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T KNOW THERE'S A PROBLEM?

NO. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

WHAT--?

WELL, THIS IS KEEN.

UH, LOOK, LET'S NOT SPILL ANY BLOOD HERE.

I'VE BEEN TO SEE A LAWYER. THIS IS HIS CARD.

YOU CAN GIVE HIM A CALL TOMORROW.

OH.

I WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT--

TONIGHT, NOW.

JUST TURN AROUND AND GET OUT.

REALLY?

WE'RE DONE, BILL.

THE MARRIAGE IS OVER.

- JUST LIKE THAT? - JUST LIKE THAT.

22 YEARS JUST LIKE THAT.

JUST LIKE THAT.

WELL,

FAIR DEAL.

I FIGURED YOU'D THINK THAT.

WELL, I THINK THAT

IT'S A LITTLE--

A LITTLE SHORTSIGHTED ON YOUR PART.

- DO YOU, BILL? - I REALLY DO.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T PICK THE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE.

HE'LL BE IN HIS OFFICE TOMORROW,

EXPECTING A CALL FROM YOU.

I'VE BEEN TO THE BANK,

MADE COPIES OF OUR TAX FORMS.

RIGHT.

AND YOU'VE GOT THE KIDS

PRETTY SHAPED UP, HAVE YOU?

THEY ALL UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM,

THAT IT'S ONLY BETWEEN US.

WELL, I GUESS I DON'T HAVE TO UNPACK NOW, DO I?

HEY, GUYS.

HOW ARE WE DOING IN HERE, BIG D?

NOT SO GOOD, DAD.

NONE OF US ARE.

YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW THE NUMBER TO THE LEMON TREE, DO YOU?

THEY ALREADY HAVE A ROOM FOR YOU.

OH.

THAT'S HANDY.

I HAVE TO GO, DAD.

- WELL, STAY IN TOUCH NOW. - YEAH.

- HONEY. - YEAH?

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE FINE.

BYE, DAD.

PATTY...

IF GLEN BERNSON CALLS ME,

MAKE SURE HE CALLS ME AT THE LEMON TREE.

WE'VE GOT A HUGE ORDER IN DAYTON.

AND MERRIWETHER-- YOU REMEMBER HIM--

HE'S GOING TO TRY TO SELL BERNSON

THE SAME DAMN THING, AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT HAPPEN.

WE REALLY CAN'T.

ANOTHER ONE.

- LANCE? - LANCE.

- JUST A SECOND. - LANCE, CAN I GET A PICTURE?

- THANK YOU. - ONE MORE, PLEASE.

WOW, LOOKS LIKE IT'S A HIT ALREADY.

WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S PREMIERE SCREENING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRODUCER

AND CREATOR OF "AN AMERICAN FAMILY,"

THE AWARD-WINNING FILMMAKER CRAIG GILBERT.

THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO EPISODE ONE OF "AN AMERICAN FAMILY."

- CAMERON, LOOK AT THIS. - BEFORE WE BEGIN,

I WOULD BE REMISS IN NOT THANKING THE LOUDS.

- YOU SEE THIS? - THEIR COURAGE STILL INSPIRES ME

AND THEIR TRUST HUMBLES ME.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "AN AMERICAN FAMILY."

Six, five, four, three...

It's another New Year's Eve for the Loud family.

But this year will be much different.

For the very first time, Pat and her husband Bill

are living separately after 20 years of marriage...

"PATTY LOUD SEES NO WAY

OUT OF A FALSE MARRIAGE EXCEPT BOOZE."

- Please, Lance. - HOLD ON, LISTEN TO THIS.

"LANCE OOZES HIS LEECH-LIKE HOMOSEXUALITY

WITH THE GLEE OF A GROTESQUE, GOYA-ESQUE EMOTIONAL DWARF."

WHAT? NO NO NO. OH MY GOD.

Oh my God, what have I done?

I NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT MAN AGAIN.

MOM, I'M-- I'M COMING HOME.

AND WE'RE GONNA WATCH THE SHOW WHEN IT AIRS

TOGETHER, ALL OF US,

ALL OF US AS A FAMILY.

They are an American family,

the family next door on the surface.

10 million viewers watch them every week

on the most popular, most watched series

that educational television has ever tackled.

And those 10 million people have heard the Louds say things

that many people wouldn't tell their lovers or tax accountants.

You are a pathetic fool.

Why don't we discuss this later?

You don't know there's a problem?

No. What's your problem?

I've been to see a lawyer. This is his card.

You can give him a call tomorrow.

I want you to move out.

It's a West-coast bourgeois all-American freefall.

There is a tremendous amount wrong with this family

and very little right.

I for one view them as a true American tragedy.

But they have one child who has not turned out well.

What they didn't realize is that

people were not going to look at it as an art form,

that they were going to begin criticizing them as people.

People dissected this family

in order to call into question

not only an American family, but the American family.

...role as a father, but that that role was of a pal.

Have you seen Lance Loud and that get-up?

Here was a family with very serious problems.

Is there or is there not such a thing as a sense of shame?

It's just-- it's shocking. And I wouldn't want anybody...

SO SENSATIONALISM WAS HIS GOAL FROM THE GET-GO.

IT'S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

HE WANTED TO CREATE A SUCCESSFUL SHOW,

BUT HE WAS ALSO ON A PERSONAL MISSION.

COULD THAT EXPLAIN WHAT WENT WRONG?

CRAIG DIDN'T SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT FAMILY.

HE SEARCHED FOR THE FAMILY THAT WAS PERFECT FOR HIS AGENDA.

ANYBODY WANT PIZZA?

- PIZZA? - OH MY GOD, I'M AFRAID TO ANSWER IT.

- HELLO? - HAVE YOU READ THIS STUFF, PATTY?

- IT'S YOUR FATHER. - Get this-- "The father,

COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH WITH ANY WORLD

EXCEPT THE FALSE ONE HE INHABITS, REACHES OUT..."

WHY DON'T WE INVITE YOUR DAD TO PIZZA?

HMM?

WELL, WE ARE A CULTURAL PHENOMENON

AND THE MOST DESPISED FAMILY IN AMERICA.

IT'S REALLY ALL TOO GLAMOROUS TO HANDLE.

REALLY. HONESTLY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE DESPISED.

WELL, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIGHT BACK.

WON'T WE, SWEETHEART?

"The Dick Cavett Show!"

WE'RE DOING THIS SHOW AND A DOZEN OTHERS LIKE IT

BECAUSE WE WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW

THAT WE ARE NOT MONSTERS OR IDIOTS.

WE'RE PRETTY DECENT PEOPLE

AND DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WERE SIGNING UP FOR.

WE'VE LOST DIGNITY, AND-- AND--

AND WE'VE BEEN HUMILIATED AS A RESULT OF IT.

OUR HONOR IS AT QUESTION

AND I FEEL VERY DEFENSIVE, AS CRAIG BROUGHT UP.

PEOPLE HAVE A MUCH DIFFERENT IMAGE OF THEMSELVES

THAN SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE OF THEM.

I THINK WE'RE MOST HORRIFIED BY THE THINGS IN OURSELVES THAT WE'RE SCARED OF.

- WHEN I SAW MYSELF BILLED AS "HOMO OF THE YEAR 1971..."

...I WAS REALLY DESPONDENT FOR A WHILE.

BUT I KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO COME OFF AS ANYWAY.

THEY'VE SORT OF CATEGORIZED US.

ONE THING IS THAT YOU BECOME OBLIGED

UNDER THAT CAMERA TO REACT IN SOME WAY.

YOU TRY TO COME UP WITH SOME PLATO-LIKE DECISION

WHEN THE CAMERA'S ROLLING.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

ANYBODY WHO'S IN SHOW BUSINESS WOULD HAVE TO CALL YOU NAIVE

TO THINK THAT YOU COULD THINK THAT YOU COULD APPEAR ON TELEVISION

AND NOT HAVE IT SELECTED, EDITED.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING NAIVE.

I SEE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH BEING SOPHISTICATED.

CERTAINLY NO OTHER AMERICAN FAMILY HAS BEEN THOUGH ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND BEING SO OUTSPOKEN AND ACCESSIBLE.

AND WE WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.

TO THE LOUDS

AND OUR 14th MINUTE OF FAME.

GOOD JOB, EVERYBODY.

LET'S MILK OUR LAST MINUTE FOR ALL THAT IT'S WORTH.

YEAH.

¶ STARS SHINING BRIGHT ABOVE YOU ¶

¶ NIGHT BREEZES SEEM TO WHISPER ¶

¶ I LOVE YOU ¶

¶ BIRDS SINGING IN THE SYCAMORE TREE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ¶

¶ SAY NIGHTY-NIGHT AND KISS ME ¶

¶ JUST HOLD ME TIGHT ¶

¶ AND TELL ME YOU'LL MISS ME ¶

¶ WHILE I'M ALONE AND BLUE AS CAN BE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ¶

¶ STARS FADING, BUT I LINGER ON, DEAR ¶

¶ STILL CRAVING YOUR KISS ¶

¶ I'M LONGING TO LINGER TILL DAWN, DEAR ¶

¶ JUST SAYING THIS ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS TILL SUNBEAMS FIND YOU ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS THAT LEAVE ALL WORRIES ¶

¶ BEHIND YOU ¶

¶ BUT IN YOUR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY BE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME ¶

¶ STARS FADING ¶

¶ BUT I LINGER ON, DEAR ¶

¶ STILL CRAVING YOUR KISS ¶

¶ I'M LONGING TO LINGER TILL DAWN, DEAR ¶

¶ JUST SAYING THIS ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS TILL SUNBEAMS FIND YOU ¶

¶ SWEET DREAMS THAT LEAVE ALL WORRIES ¶

¶ FAR BEHIND YOU ¶

¶ BUT IN YOUR DREAMS, WHATEVER THEY BE ¶

¶ DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME. ¶

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