Original subtitles

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola...

The food is delicious.Mmm.

Yes, very good.

They put on a nice wedding here, too.

Are you thinking of one couple in particular?

A mother can dream, right?

So can aunties.Aw! [chuckles]

So, what's the first step?

Abishola needs to finalize her divorce in Nigeria.

And they'll need to start looking

into neighborhood schools for Dele.

And I'll have my lawyer draw up a prenup.

What?

Well, it's just this thing you sign

to make sure everybody hangs on to what's theirs.

We know what it is.

But why does Abishola need one?

Do you think she wants Bob's money?

No, but it's a family business,

and it needs to stay in the family.

But wouldn't Abishola be a part of the family?

Well, yeah.

Sorta.

Do you remember,

a moment ago, you asked us to tell you

when you are being offensive?

It's happening now.

[sighs softly]

Hey, Bobby, check it out.

What has two thumbs and just buttoned

her own blouse?

For real?

Bam!

Aw!

Mom, that's great!

I told you you could do it.

[chuckles]Maybe someday soon

I'll be able to play the piano.

I didn't know you played.

I don't.

[phone vibrating]

Excuse me.

Hello, Uncle.

No, I still have more work to do.

How close are you?

[horn honking in distance]

Yes, I assumed that was you.

All right. I'll be out as soon as I'm done.

Invite them in.

Bob would like you and Auntie to come in.

Yes, his mother is here.

[sighs softly]

They will wait outside.

Come on. It's freezing out there.

They know that.

Give me the phone.

Tunde, come in the house.

Yeah, I get that my mother sickens you.

Uh-huh.

"Blonde devil witch."

That's good. I'll use that.

Tell those cheap grifters I'm right here

and I can use my thumb now.

Mom says hi.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Oh.

They say hi back.

Hang on. I'm coming out.

You let those people in here, and I'm leaving.

Oh, no. My mother will no longer live with me?

What will I do?

I'll talk to them.

Give me the phone.

No.

Days like this, I miss Nigeria.

Yes.

I never saw my breath before I came to America.

Roll down the window.

Oh, hello, Bob.

[chuckles] Good to see you.

Yeah. Good to see you, too.

Look, Abishola needs a few more minutes.

Please come inside.No.

We will not be in the same house as that woman.

[spits]

You hit my shoe.

Sorry.Come on.

We'll order some takeout.

We'll talk this through like civilized people.

Your mother is the one who is not civilized.

[spits]

Again, you hit my shoe.

Please, for me?

I cannot say no to that face.

["Ifanla" by Sola Akingbola playing]

I hope you know I don't lump you in

with your money-grubbing relatives.

That's very kind of you.

I mean, I don't know what you're doing with my son,

but, what the hell, everybody's got blind spots.

Take your pills.

I miss the yellow ones.

They really kicked ass.

Make yourselves comfortable.

I'll put the kettle on.

Uh, we'll wait here.

Tunde, please, sit.

[humming "Dance of the Cuckoos"]

[humming stops]

Hello, Dottie.

Tunde.

Olu.

Dottie.

This is nice,

everyone sitting and talking.

Very nice.

I just want to say one thing.

The three of you arguing about a prenup

is totally ridiculous.

Listen to him. He's right.

You're worried about what'll happen

to Abishola and I if we get divorced

when we barely have a relationship.

"Barely"?

You know what I mean.

No. Tell me.

Oh, Bob.

I'm just saying, we're a work in progress.

We're still laying the foundation.

We're, uh,

you know, taking baby steps.

Honey, you really need to stop talking.

Yes, you do.

It just got cold in here, too.

DOTTIE: When you think about it,

we really did get a little ahead of ourselves.

Yes.

What kind of future can they have

if Bob continues to speak his mind?

Oh.

He's like his father that way.

Every time that man opened his mouth,

he somehow managed to stick a Hush Puppy in it.

Hush Puppy. [chuckles]

A man after my own heart.

I'm glad to see you are doing so well.

Thank you.

Wouldn't have happened without your niece.

I was ready to give up.

She wouldn't let me quit.

She is very stubborn.

When she sets her mind to something,

good luck trying to change it.

Please! Come back inside!Why?

To be with a man I barely have a relationship with?

That was for their benefit!

You and me, we're gold!We are a joke!

Which is why, someday, we'll look back at this and laugh!

"Hey, remember the time I got frostbite

trying to get you back in the house?"

Go away.

I don't want to see you right now.

Nope! I'm staying!

If I lose a pinky toe, screw it--

it died for love!

Starting to get brittle right now!

You understand why we are overprotective.

Abishola is the closest thing we have

to our own child.Oh.

She's a good one.

Hey, if you ever want 38-year-old twins,

I've got a couple that are priced to move.

Dottie.

Thanks, Tunde.

Olu.

I thought you are not allowed to drink.

I'm not. Cheers.

Did you two ever consider adopting a baby?

The only thing that wasconsidered

was for Tunde to take a second wife.

He was gonna divorce you?

No. In Nigeria,

men are allowed to have as many wives as they can afford.

Or stand.

My family insisted that I marry again.

Oh, why didn't you?

[chuckles softly] I did not want to share my life

with anyone but Olu.

Aw.

Besides, she is already

like having many wives.

What does that mean?

Your constantly changing moods.

Sometimes it is like a new wife

walks in halfway through a conversation.

Eh.

Open mouth, insert Hush Puppy.

Hey, why don't you guys stay for dinner?

You can meet the twins and see what you think.

They could really use a loving home.

If there is something that is upsetting you,

just be honest about it.

It's not so much stuff that upsets me

as much as it's different than what I'm used to.

Eh. And what are you used to?

O-Okay, well, typically,

a few months into dating an American woman,

there would be...

Aw, geez, I don't know any other way to say it.

Sex.

Oh!

So, for you, we have to have sex to be in a real relationship.

No!

Well, I don't know. Maybe.

You understand I've never had sex with a man

outside of marriage.

Really?Yes, really.

I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm telling you now.

I'm not an easy, sleazy girl.

I wouldn't like you if you were.

Yes, you would.Yeah, I would.

What are you doing?Talking.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine. Go inside.

Did you have a fight?

Go inside.They had a fight.

You know it's, like, 11 below.

We know.

Is this the sex problem you were talking about?

[quietly]: He told us that in confidence.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, guys.

That's on me!

DOTTIE: Who's got the moo shu?

Oh, sorry.

I-I did not know we were sharing.

Olu, it is so nice to finally meet you

and put a face to the name.

[chuckles]

Olu.

I feel like what we're doing right here--

white face, black face,

Chinese food--

this was the promise of Obama.

Hashtag "MeltingPot," hashtag "Kumbaya,"

hashtag "YesWeCan."

What do you think?

They've had all their shots.

It's great to see them getting along.

[imitates Abishola]: "Oh, yes, Bob, it is very nice."

DOTTIE: Hey,

I want to ask you a question about polygamy.

Mom, do you have to?

You don't ask, you don't learn.

How do all the wives

keep from killing each other?

AUNTIE OLU: According to tradition,

the first wife is in charge,

and the younger wives have to obey her.

But sometimes they do kill each other.

Usually with poison.

[gasps] You're kidding.

The first wife prepares dinner,

sprinkles arsenic on Number Two's jollof,

and then everybody moves up one.

How do you know all this?

Girls talk.

Maybe you should get a second girlfriend to make you happy.

I am not unhappy.

Well, tell that to your face!You know what?

If it's marriage that moves you and me along,

I'll go to the courthouse right now and tie the damn knot.

Oh, so you will rush into marriage

just to have sex with me.No!

I'm saying I'd marry you 'cause that's how happy you make me!

You guys want to take this someplace else?

Yeah, it's getting a little icky.

Maybe we should go.

I'm enjoying my moo shu.

Why don't you tell everyone

about Uncle Victor's second wife?

Oh. Okay.

Her name was "Blessing."Mm.

And she was loved by all

until she mysteriously fell off a boat.

Or was she pushed?

DOTTIE/DOUGLAS/CHRISTINA: Oh.

They searched for many days,

but they never found her body.

DOTTIE/DOUGLAS/CHRISTINA: Oh.

They found part of a body,

but there was no way of knowing if it was Auntie Blessing

or just a random foot.

[scoffs]

Auntie, Uncle, I'm ready to go.

Did you two work it out?

Can we please just go?

Sounds like a lovers' quarrel.

They're not lovers, hence the quarrel.

Oh, you're so clever.

You didn't think of it.

I hope everybody enjoyed the show.

This is your son's fault.

Abishola is a good Christian girl.

She is right to wait until they are married.

You did not make mewait.

Olu, you slut.

Well, we were engaged.

No, we weren't.

You were dating my brother.

Olu, you slut!

So what does this mean, you are "taking a break"?

It means we are taking time apart

to decide if we should be together.

And this is all 'cause you're not ready to sleep with him?

It is not that simple.

It is not that complicated.

20 minutes, a couple of times a week.

It's called "taking one for the team."

And a man his age,

with a heart condition, shoot,

you could probably scoot by with once a month.

[laughs]It's not that

I don't want to sleep with him.

Then what is the problem?

Really? I have to spell it out?

BOTH: Yes.

We don't have the same color, we don't have the same religion,

we don't have the same values.

How is any of this supposed to work?

You singing that song again? We've been through this.

Yes,

there's a million reasons why it shouldn't work, but it does.

I never seen you happier

since that big block of cream cheese

dropped into your life.

So let him drop into your pants.

Who knows?

You might actually enjoy it.

Either way, it's just 20 minutes.

[knock on door]It's open.

Sorry to interrupt, but Kofo and I finished doing the inventory,

and found a few small

discrepancies.Yeah?

Tell somebody who cares.

Mr. Wheeler,

is everything all right?

No.

Anything we can do?

Yeah, have a drink with me.

Misery loves company.

Okay, we will be the company.

And you will be the misery.

Let me ask you something.

Say a guy was involved with a...

lady from your neck of the woods.

Well, the forests of Nigeria have been horribly depleted,

but okay.

And this lady tells the guy she's committed to him,

he's the one for her,

she's not looking at anybody else,

no pharmacists, nothing like that.

Pharmacists seems like an unnecessary detail,

but continue.

Would this guy be out of line in thinking

that her affections might become physical,

you know, before... his machinery quits working?

Mr. Wheeler, this woman does not deserve you.

If I were her, I would have intercourse with you

as often as I could.

Once or twice a week.

Thanks, pal.

["You're Only Lonely" by J.D. Souther playing]

♪ When the world is ready to fall ♪

♪ On your little shoulders

♪ And when you're feeling lonely and small ♪

♪ You need somebody there to hold you ♪

♪ You can call out my name

♪ When you're only lonely

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh♪♪ Now, don't you ever be ashamed ♪

♪ You're only lonely

♪ When you need somebody around ♪

♪ On the nights that try you

♪ Remember, I was there when you were a queen ♪

♪ And I'll be the last one there beside you ♪

♪ So you can call out my name

♪ When you're only lonely

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh♪♪ Now, don't you ever be ashamed ♪

♪ You're only lonely

♪ You're only lonely♪

♪ You're only lonely♪

♪ So if you need me

♪ You're only lonely♪

♪ All you've got to do is call me ♪

♪ Well, you're only lonely...

♪ You're only lonely♪

♪ You're only lonely.♪

[sighs]

Screw it.

[phone vibrates]

Hey.

Did I wake you?

No.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

I've been thinking.

Maybe I'm wrong about waiting for marriage.

Stop. You're not wrong.

Bob, you have to be honest with me.

I am.

The only thing important right now is

that I have you in my life.

Are you sure?BOB: Yes.

If it means I have to wait forever,

then that's what I'll do.

It will not be forever.

Can you narrow it down any more than that?

How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

Mm, I'm just joking.

Don't do that to me.

Sweet dreams.

They will be now.

Good night, Bob.

Good night, Abishola.

Okay.

This is different. This is celebrating.

Kaale, Tunde.

Kaale, Bob! [laughs]

Hey, come, sit.

Abishola will be ready very soon.

Ten minutes, 15 tops.

So, you're good?

I amgood. You?Ah.

My only complaint is I do not see my friend Bob enough.

Likewise.

I am very glad

that you and Abishola have worked out your differences.

Yeah, me, too.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

You had the heart attack a few months ago.

How you doing now?

Great. Why?

At some point, you and Abishola will lay together.

You need to be in tip-top physical condition.

Sorry?

Nigerian women are ferocious lovers.

Olu and I are still like frisky college freshmen.

Really? Well, thanks for the advice.

Uh, you know those double bunk beds that are in dormitories?

Oh, we're not done.

We broke one.

Crushed Olu's roommate in the bed below.

Is that right?

Yes, we had to take her to the hospital.

Uh, you know, after we finished.

Abishola, I'm gonna wait in the car!

Oh, I-I'll keep you company.

[laughs]

[chuckling]: Uh, speaking of cars,

uh, one time, we were in my father's Toyota,

and somehow, I released the parking brake.

The car rolled into the river, and we didn't even notice!