Original subtitles

"Tiny hellish demons disguised as playthings of children,

"diminutive beasts who thrive on fear and pain,

"who feast on the souls of those

"who dare cross their path," my goodness.

"They will mount in numbers until their army rises

"and opens the gates to Toy Hell.

"Led by the Toy Master."

The crazy lady wasn't so crazy after all.

"He who possesses this wicked tome

"controls the Toy Master's will.

"Beware the toys.

Well, I possess it now, buddy.

We'll see about that.

- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

- You're stepping on my boots, little Mickey.

- Frownie afraid of the dark.

- Shut up, you moron.

Let us out.

Open this fucking trunk or the shit's gonna hit the fan.

- Gonna hit the fan, hit the fan.

- Face it, loser.

We're running this rodeo.

- Yeehaw, yeehaw.

- Now let us out before I put you on a permanent time out.

Let us out.

Come on, let us out of here.

Scratch, he shows his grizzled muzzle and he threatens

to cloak the world in darkness

and forsake the glory and life of Lord Jesus Christ.

That is when we must be strong.

That is when we must stand and shout,

"Satan, you get-"

- Turn that shit off.

Bring me a bowl of mayonnaise; I'm starving.

- Now, Ray-Ray.

- Probably you've been hot before your giant ass.

- Ray-Ray, you don't mean that.

You're just not yourself.

Think back, something evil got a hold of you.

- Evil?

- Ray-Ray, you gotta fight it.

We're best friends, remember?

- You can never stop our reign of terror.

Untie me or your suffering will be legendary.

- Satan, you are cast out of this home,

cast out of this life.

- Satan, get lead behind me.

- Fuck you, steak.

Your shovel goes right.

You're nothing but a piece of garbage

with a shitty ass haircut.

You'll never amount to anything.

You're just a dried up old spinster who smells

like fried baloney and won't drive home.

- Why, you son of a bitch.

No, I need help, no, no.

No, no, no.

- Father Glover. - Ah, Father McGavin.

I just made a pot.

- Oh, no, no thank you.

I took your advice and I went down to the archives.

- Horribly dreary down there.

- Father, I found this.

Father, it's filled with pages and pages

that corroborate the woman's story.

It says that the Evil Toys are already here.

I did some research.

I went on the internet and I found underground videos

of people saying that the toys there,

they're basically being distributed

to gullible folks that will nurture the toys.

It says that when the time is right,

the toys will rise in an army to destroy mankind.

- Sounds like horseshit. - Maybe.

But Father, what if it isn't?

- Father-- - Will you at least

grant me the permission to look into it further?

- Yes, but please keep in mind that most of the writings

from that period are simply metaphors for mental illness.

- Father, she, she seems so convinced.

- She's bat shit.

Sister Alicia believes that she saw the face

of Jesus in her oatmeal.

That doesn't make it true.

We live in very troubled times, Father.

Plain and simple, the only demons that truly exist

are the ones in our head. - Right, understood.

- I'll shit on your grave.

I'm gonna bury you alive.

The legion of toys will kill everyone that you love.

- May the power of Christ compel you.

- Fuck you.

- Teddy. - Hey, Sybil.

Is Christy around?

- Christy?

- My girlfriend; I haven't seen her

since we got back from Mexico.

We kind of got into it on the plane ride back.

I figured she was giving me the cold shoulder,

but it's been two weeks.

I can't get ahold of her.

- I haven't seen her.

She, she ain't been around here.

- At all?

I mean, her car's still here.

- Like I said, I have not seen her.

I have a lot to do.

If I see her, I'll tell her to call you.

- Oh, if you see her-

- What?

- Sybil Pittman?

It's Father McGavin.

- I can't talk right now.

My plate is very full.

- I researched some of the things that you were trying

to share with me.

Sybil, I think there may actually

be some truth to the claims that you were making.

- Well, goodie for you.

You're too late.

- I need to meet with you

as soon as possible, Sybil, please.

I really think that the church needs

to just have something--

- It's too late.

- But I really believe--

- I have a pissed off demon tied up

in my living room right now, okay?

I can't talk.

- This is not gonna end well.

- Ray-Ray?

- Hey, honey, you got any ibuprofen?

- Ray-Ray?

Is it really you?

- Yes, of course it's me.

Who else would it be?

- You're back to your normal self.

- Nothing knocks the devil outta you

like a frying pan to the head.

- You ain't fooling me.

- I'm right as rain.

I'll swear on a stack of bibles.

Come on, we gotta end this craziness once

and for all. - Okay, okay.

- I never wanna see another doll as long as I live.

- You a friend of Ms. Pittman?

- No, my girlfriend's a roommate, or was.

- Was?

- She's not returning my phone calls.

- Private Detective Klink.

Mind if I ask you a few questions?

- Sure, I mean, it's probably nothing.

We went on vacation together,

got into it on the plane ride back.

I dropped her off here.

I haven't heard from her since.

Sybil said she hasn't been here.

- Sybil said that? - Yeah.

- Does your girlfriend have a habit of disappearing?

- No. - I can help you find her.

- Mommy?

Daddy?

Baby can't breathe in here.

- What are we gonna do with them?

- Maybe we can put the box in a fireplace and burn them.

- They're gonna barbecue us.

- Good idea. - Or better yet,

we can sink them in the river.

- No, Daddy, please.

- Frownie likes swimming.

- Or maybe we'll just kill you instead.

- Let's hogtie her, yeehaw.

- It's time I delivered demonic toys.

The day of reckoning is upon us.

Toys shall ravish the earth.

Rivers of blood shall flood the streets.

- You lose, Sybil.

Now let's finish this loser off, Daddy.

Tie this bitch up so I can go medieval on her.

- We shall feast on the skull caps of the dead.

- Frownie hungry. - Rise.

- Yeehaw.

- Go for it, Skipper.

- Where are the dolls?

- Way ahead of you, Mr. Chuck.

She's clearly got cold feet,

so I'm taking matters into my own hands.

- It's you that will be sold if you continue to fail.

This is your last chance.

- I got you, boo.

Today is the day.

I'm going to her house and not leaving

until I have all three dolls.

One way or another.

- Feeling comfy, Mommy?

Now it's your turn for a time out.

Your final time out.

That old battle ax was right.

You're not evil.

You're just stupid.

Time for night-night.

- Drain her life force.

- Mommy got an ouchie.

Can I kiss it to make it better?

- Protect me, Father,

from the unknown evil I'm about to face.

- Sign this, I'll submit a missing person report.

I have a feeling there's more

to this story that meets the eye.

In the meantime, have you contacted her parents?

- No, I never met 'em.

You really think something happened?

- The only thing I know for sure

is that Sybil Pittman is up to no good.

Do you have any other information

on your girlfriend that might help me locate her?

- No, I mean, we could look in her car.

It hasn't moved since we got back.

I have a spare key.

- What about the house key?

- Yeah, why?

- I want a peanut butter banana sandwich.

Hurry up and open the gates to Toy Hell.

- Let's butcher this filly.

- Toy Hell, Toy Hell.

- Let's do this.

Baby needs to smell the bull.

- Gather my beloved playthings.

It's time for a big ceremony.

- Let's fuck some shit up.

- I call on everything that is evil,

now from the far of fight.

.

- Pardon the interruption.

- Huh?

- Which one of you ordered the exorcism.

Retreat, demon.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,

I bind you from executing your foolish evil.

- Kill him, Daddy, kill him.

- Stand back, tiny demons.

- Ouchie.

- All right, what do I do now?

- Kill him.

- Daddy sick. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Lord, our God, make known that you're alive.

Will away the corruption

and restrengthen this innocent's faith.

- Real amateur, the only reason why you became a priest

is because you got a tiny little dick.

- What you say?

- Tiny little dick, tiny little dick.

- A tiny little dick.

- No, no, no, don't listen to 'em, just read.

- Okay, use him, Lord, so that he--

- Like when I sass your mama and I clubbed him.

- See y'all in hell, man.

I return this innocent to patience and hope,

temperance and purity.

Purity and peace.

I ask this through Christ, our Lord.

Restore this wretched child of God.

I command you to leave this home.

- I did it, I did it.

Archaic, my ass.

- Oh, hey, honey.

Sybil, come over here and help me up.

Oh, praise God, praise Jesus.

- Now, time for night-night.

- Adios, motherfucker.

- Ray-Ray?

- Well, boys, if you want something done right,

you gotta do it yourself.

Now let's go raise a little hell.

- No.

- Hello?

Hello?

Is anybody up there?

Baby Oopsie, you open this door and face the music.

Ray-Ray, we're locked in.

We're stuck down here.

- It's all here.

Everything we need to open the gates.

Buckle up, fellas.

The doll shit is about to hit the fan for mankind.

- Toy Hell. - Yeehaw, Toy Hell.

- What the fuck? - A car.

- Well, what?

- Ready?

- Well, what do we do?

- Get back on the country, bitch.

- My daddy and I used to have tea parties down here.

I was never happier.

I'd make him pretend we were at the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas,

sipping tea with Elvis.

I knew he'd rather be anywhere else

in the world than sitting in that tiny chair,

but he always went along with it.

After he joined my mama in heaven,

I kept collecting as many dolls as I could,

just like you,

when all my days were happy ones.

- They'll be happy again, honey,

right after we get the hell outta here.

Now, let's go kick some killer doll ass.

- Let's do it.

- Shut the fuck up.

- Sorry.

- Up that way.

Go on that way. - Okay.

- What about the windows?

- They're painted shut.

I think this might be the end, Ray-Ray.

It's all my fault.

Maybe Oopsie's right; evil wins.

- You go handle the tall one. - Okay.

Okay.

- Go take care of the Po-Po.

- Christy. - Yeehaw,

get along, little doggy.

It's time to go to the slaughterhouse.

Reach for the sky, you darn varmint.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

You ain't going nowhere.

This ain't my first day at the rodeo, yeehaw.

It's blank eye.

Woohoo, yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.

Looks like you got yourself into quite a jam.

- Bazinga.

Whoa.

You gotta ask yourself,

"Do I feel lucky?"

- What the hell are you?

- I'm just a rooting tooting ol' cowpoke.

Do you feel lucky, punk? - Yes.

- Happy trails, motherfucker.

- Teddy?

- Boy howdy.

- Sybil Pittman?

This is Private Detective Klink.

And I warn you, I am armed and my weapon drawn.

I've already called for backup.

So whatever the hell it is you're up to, it's over.

- Book 'em, Dano.

- Bitch.

- Whoa.

- Fuck you, clown.

- Howdy, partner.

This town ain't big enough for both of us.

Reach for the sky.

Too slow.

Adios, motherfucker.

- You wanted me?

Here I am.

Where's your girl power now?

Guess you won't be getting that promotion after all.

- What does "archaic" mean?

- Too bad you won't be alive to find out.

- Why, Baby Oopsie,

look what you've done to my super fun ensemble.

How could you do a thing like that?

- What the fuck?

Die already, you dumb blonde bimbo.

- Girls can do anything if we only put our minds to it.

Here's the sitch.

Can we keep it 100?

I got you, boo.

Can we keep it 100?

Can we keep it 100?

Can we keep it 100?

I got you, boo.

Do a thing like that?

- Damn.

- Christ almighty, can't you two get anything right?

Now, get the lead out.

- Yes, Mr. Chung.

Keep it 100.

Keep it one, one, one, one.

Keep it 100.

How could you do a thing like that?

- This bitch is cracking up.

The fuck?

- Reach for the sky.

- Now what?

- Playtime is over.

It's time to go back to the hell that spawned you.

- Let's finish this bitch off.

- Girls can do anything if they only put their mind to it.

Their mind to it.

- Huh?

- Girls can do anything.

- Well, fuck me to tears.

- She's a doll.

- Run out.

- We have an offer for you.

- Shoot the bitch.

- I don't wanna shoot you.

- Kill her. - Don't kill me.

- What a beautiful dream house.

- Girls can do anything, anything, anything.

Girls can do anything.

- Come forth, Toy Master.

Come forth and fuck these losers up.

- Beautiful dream house.

- I command you to destroy mankind.

- Girls can do anything.

- I, Baby Oopsie, possessor of this tome.

- Well, I'll tell you.

- You've gotta be shitting me.

- Satan, get yee behind me. - No.

- I, Father Daniel McGavin, possessor of this tome,

hereby command the presence ...

Of the Master of Toys.

- Mommy, help me.

I can't move.

- Slaughter that heifer.

Come forth, beast of sabbath, ruler of all toys.

Come forth and do my bidding

as the keeper of this book.

What's up, y'all?

- Somebody help me, I'm bruising.

- I command you to destroy these evil vessels.

- whoa.

- Well, howdy thar, partner.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm getting out of dodge.

Whoa, nelly.

No.

- I must take a stand.

Couldn't you just die?

- What the fuck?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Girls can do anything.

I know what to do, Girlfriend Skipper.

Thank you for activating my super fun self-destruct mode.

- We've got to go, come on.

- Keep it 100.

- Come on, go, go, we've gotta go.

- From that day forward,

our lives would never be the same.

To think so much evil could be born

out of one gal's loneliness.

And as my beloved collection went up in flames,

I actually felt a tremendous sigh of relief.

I was finally ready to move on

and start living life with real folks instead of dolls.

My house was eventually spared,

but not before that rotten Baby Oopsie burned up to hell,

back to where she came from.

I have got to get a new hobby.

The very worst, but not the very last

of the demonic toys.

- Wake up, Sybil.

Well, you did it.

Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're all right.

You saved the world.

I gotta admit,

I learned a very big lesson being trapped in limbo.

You're all right, Sybil.

Who knew even someone as stupid as you

could occasionally get it right.

Well, this is it.

My soul is finally free.

I just wanted to say thanks, Sybil.

I'll tell your daddy you said hi.

It's glorious, Sybil.

The love you have in your heart,

you actually do take it with you.

There really is a light.

Oh, fuck me to tears.

Guess I'll see you around.

- Yeah, we're coming for each and every one

of you motherfuckers.