Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man, Chortling ] Hey! Put ‘im in here with me! Ha, ha!

[Guard Shouts, indistinct]

Who are you? Uh, Harry Ballentine of—

Of, um— of Brack and Worth, sir.

Uh, my card. Uh, excuse me. My name's written in on the back there.

But I called Worth.

Last year, I did a simple little will, and I got Worth.

And now I kill, and I get somebody who hasn't got all their teeth yet?

Well, with all due respect, Mr. Bernstein,

since you admitted to killing three lawyers on three separate occasions,

Mr. Worth thought it would best behoove him...

to send someone the firm wouldn't mind losing.

Oy! Oh, not that I'm not enthused.

This is a fascinating first case to have.

“Oy” again.

Uh, so, now,

uh, you're supposed to tell me what you, the accused, think is everything...

regarding the alleged incident or, in this case, incidents...

which, uh, you, the accused, have been accused of,

uh, vis-a-vis the crime.

What? I may have had to kill the other three lawyers,

but at least I understood them.

Just tell me, in your own words, what happened.

That's the whole problem. I can't remember.

One day, life was wonderful.

My kids were annoying. My wife made me sick.

Life was great.

We were a nice, close family.

See? This was taken a week ago.

Did you say a week ago? Yeah, well, a week and a day.

I shot that Tuesday, the day I got the hairpiece.

- Oh. - See? Everybody's happy.

Nobody's killing anybody.

I looked 10 years younger.

And then? I don't know.

The whole week is like a big yellow blur.

It's like I went to bed an accountant,

and I woke up a Zodiac Killer.

I was always avery quiet person—

more like a wimp.

I broke my leg playing gin rummy.

You know something, Mr. Murray Bernstein?

I believe you, and I'm going to defend you—

unfortunately for you— to the best of my ability!

I'm going to work night and day, day and night for you,

even after my mother says, “Harry, turn off the lights. You're killing your father.”

Even after that, Mr. Bernstein.

What number “Oy” are we up to?

Three.

[Harry] Read back to me what Murray Bernstein's wife said.

First, she confirms that her husband was a wimp.

Then she says, and I quote,

“Murray was a good man until he bought that hairpiece from Hair & Now.

“Then he changed.

“He came home from work early to look in the mirror.

Sex was great. That's when I knew something was wrong.”

[Stammers]

Was he on medication? Was he having trouble with his bowels?

No. He's got the bowels of an ox.

[ Yawning ]

You look tired.

You should go home and get some sleep.

[ Breathes Deeply ] No.

I can't sleep while there's injustice in the world.

[ Breathes Deeply ] You go home, Beth.

You get some sleep.

Mr. Ballentine.

Here we are, the only ones in the whole building, and...

we just spent the whole night together.

Do you ever think of me... as awoman?

I can't think of you as a woman...

until every criminal behind bars is awoman.

[ Harry Mumbling ] “Until every criminal behind bars is awoman.”

[Sighs]

[ Exhales ]

[Beth] That's terrible.

“Police Chief Martin Hansen says that, ‘If these murderers of the guardians of justice aren't stopped,

there will be hell to pay.”

Dead lawyers. Why dead lawyers?

Oh, he's right. There will be hell to pay.

Murray Bernstein, Floyd King— bald men.

Bald men.

There's gonna be hell to pay.

Hell to pay.

Hell toupee!

It's a psychopathic hairpiece!

Ms. Hollander, what if I told you I was a genius?

I'm in awe. [Door Closes ]

I got up. I got dressed. I put on my hair.

I had my puffed wheat— Right. You put on your hair.

Tell me about your hair, Floyd.

Well, one day, I was walkin' past Hair & Now,

and, in the window, there was this special, special hairpiece.

And I—1 just fell in love.

Actually, it was my girlfriend, Charlene. She made me buy it.

She said it looked just like RJ. Wagner's hair.

Oh, you should've seen me in it, Mr. Ballentine.

Why, I almost looked... not ugly.

Where's this hairpiece now, Floyd?

Well, that's the crazy thing.

Once I got caught, it wouldn't stay on.

It looked perfect when I took Charlene to the pizzeria,

and it was perfect when I killed those lawyers.

But once the cops got ahold of me, why,

the toupee just started scratchin'.

No. You mean jtching. No. I mean scratching.

Look.

[Man] Floyd King. Got it.

Yeah. We never lose anything around here. Great. Thank you.

Okay, let's see here.

One gray, Italian knit suit. Check.

One shirt, one tie, a pair of shoes.

A pair of socks. But-But—Is that it?

Yeah. Are you sure?

All right. So I borrowed five dollars from a murderer.

I'm good for it, man. Here. Thereitis. No, no, no. That's not what I meant.

There's supposed to be a toupee somewhere in this box.

Let me see this.

Okay. It's supposed to be right here in this envelope.

Couple of hairs in here.

Hmm. Strange.

Bernstein. Get me Murray Bernstein's things.

Bernstein, Bernstein.

Hey, that the other guy who kills lawyers? Right.

Uh, 12.50. Okay.

Hey, I'm just kiddin'.

See, it's just— just as I thought.

There's supposed to be a toupee in here too.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Close, huh? They look...

Real close. very close.

[ Snickering ] [Harry] Extremely close.

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Snickering ]

[ Continues Vocalizing, Quietly ]

[ Beeping ]

[Alarm Blaring]

[ Yelps, Gasping ]

[ Alarm Continues Blaring ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Straining ]

[Yelps]

[ Snickering ]

[Man Laughing Hysterically ]

You-You expect me to believe...

that a-a toupee is responsible for all these crimes?

Who-Who's responsible for the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre,

a padded bra? [Laughing]

You'll be sorry if that mop of curls kills again.

Hair today, gone tomorrow. [ Laughing Hysterically ]

God, this is great!

I havent laughed this hard since Lieutenant Mulloney here...

got stuck in the incinerator!

I take it, then, you're not gonna help me capture it?

[ Laughing, Gasping ] You want me to give you some of my highly-trained men...

and tell them we're going to hunt for a toupee?

What do you want me to do, throw out a hairnet?

[Laughing] Go ahead and laugh, Captain, but, as we speak,

a killer toupee is walking the streets looking for its next victim!

[ Laughing Hysterically ] Stop!

[ Continues Laughing ]

[Door Slams ] [Continues Laughing ]

How did it go? Ah! He didn't believe me.

Did you get any more information on the piece? Mm-hmm.

It seems the woman who grew the hair was accused of murdering someone in France.

She had no money, so she sold her hair to pay—

that's fo pay, not foupee—

a lawyer who charged reasonable rates but did a lousy job.

So they lopped off her head. They lopped off her head?

You mean they killed her? That piece was sold to Hair & Now three weeks ago.

Hair & Now. Yes, Hair & Now.

Yes! Hair & Now. Yes, of course!

Uh, Mr. Ballentine?

[ Door Squeaking 1

[ Murmuring ]

May I help you, sir? Oh. Uh, no.

I'm really just here to look. Really.

No obligation to buy.

If may, you have a lovely area for future hair.

Oh, thanks very much. Now, why don't you just have a seat,

and we can explore the possibilities.

Uh, Mr., uh— Monroe.

Mr. Monroe, you would be surprised at all the prominent people who are my clients.

You know, I think I'll come back some other time,

"cause the idea of glue on my head makes me sick.

Oh, everyone says that at first.

What about a big windstorm coming up?

I'll give you a booklet on how to walk in the wind,

how to take a shower with it,

and- listen to this— how to even wear it in bed. [ Chuckles ]

Now, let's see if we can get you 20 years younger...

and ready to begin a new life where looks are everything.

Jd [Humming]

This is going to change your life.

Oh, yes. This is made for you.

[ Exclaiming ] Oh! Oh!

- The resemblance to Tyrone Power is-is— - [ Hairpiece Murmuring ]

1t-It's frightening.

Tyrone Power?

Irresistible. [ Chuckling ]

The poor ladies. [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ]

There's no stopping you now.

Wait. Is this real hair?

It's an exact replica. It's more real than real.

It's the same stuff that the space shuttle tiles are made of. Didn't those fall off?

I mean, I think I'd be better off with real hair. Real hair?

No problem. I think I have some real hair with your name on it.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

[ Toupee Sighing Quietly ] Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[ Toupee Murmuring

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Ah.

[ Whispering ] That's the one. You are right.

I gotta have this baby.

[Tires Screeching ] [Horn Honking ]

[Tires Screeching ]

I really appreciate— Hey!

Oh, I'm really sorry.

No.

[ Dinging ] Yes. Ah, what can I do for you?

Does this hair here mean anything to you?

Well, let me see.

Mm-hmm. Yes?

Mm. Ah, yeah, looks very familiar.

Oh! French.

Ah, female. [ Chuckling ]

About 5 foot 3, yeah.

Probably from Normandy.

How many toupees do you have made out of this hair? Just one.

Where is it? Uh, no, well, just—

Just come this way. Um—

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Of course.

1-1-1 That's the one I just sold.

Okay. Okay, there's no time to lose. Here's wh-what we have to do.

I want you to find the man who just bought that toupee.

Go to his house, his work. I—I want him followed, even to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, I'll try to figure out his next victim.

No. And if it kills again, it'll be on your head!

Right. Right, right. Listen to me. Listen to me.

As long as that toupee walks the streets, no male litigator is safe.

Believe me. I'm scared. Mm.

And not just because I know how quickly a comb can become your worst enemy,

but because the safety and security of our entire legal system... Mm-hmm.

depends on our apprehending a twisted toupee with a grudge!

Do you understand me? Would you like a glass of water?

[Grunts]

[Man] My stocks go to my niece, Barbara.

Now, for my coin collection,

1d like there to be a contest.

Can do that? Yes. It's your will.

Excuse me.

- Are you Mr. Zahl? - Yes?

Mr. Zahl, uh, you claim to have reasonable rates.

Do you, Mr. Zahl?

Are you from the Better Business Bureau? No. I'm a killer.

[ Stammering ] I-I'm not taking any more clients.

- I think I'll go now. - Don't move!

[ Whimpers ]

Prepare to die, Mr. Reasonable Rates Attorney.

No! Stop!

Comein. You're just in time to witness a murder, Mr.—

Ballentine.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, have you now, Mr. Ballentine?

Well, how did you find us?

I forced myself to think like a French toupee.

This toupee, gentlemen, only kills lawyers who advertise reasonable rates.

And Mr. Zahl here is the last living lawyer in town who does.

Not bad for a guy who hasn't gotten his bar scores back yet, huh?

Oh, so you're a lawyer too.

No, n-not really. [ Uneasy Laugh ]

Now... which one of you wants to die first?

- I'm notin any hurry. - Well, then,

I guess it's you then. Look!

[ Toupee Screeches, Groans ]

Toupee.

Hello, Mr. Ballentine, attorney-at-law.

Do you have reasonable rates?

I-l don't have any rates.

This is my first case, but we can work something out.

Oh, you wouldn't shoot me.

I'm a victim myself— an innocent bystander,

a victim of hair gone wrong.

[ Inhales ] Gotta run. [Laughs] No. Stop!

[ Laughing ]

[Chortling ] Oh.

[Chortles]

[Man] So let's get out there, dealers, and spread the word,

No matter who your clientele is, Alfred has a hairpiece for you.

A hairpiece with pizzazz, with oomph, with sex appeal.

That's right— hair today, women tomorrow!

[ All Laughing, Applauding ]

Bald is passé. Shape up, America, with an Alfred toupee.

You can shower. You can swim. You can skydive in an Alfred,

Made from the finest fire-resistant polytrell—

so good God wishes he made it himself.

This model here is our Tuf 'N Uff model, for those of you who treat your hair roughly. What are you doing?

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

Whether you're a camper or a fisherman...

or a hunter out there looking for wild beaver,

we've got a Tuf 'N Uff that's tough enough for you.

Scented with cedar.

Mmm. Now that smells clean.

But strong and durable enough to pull the QE2 out of dry dock. [Growls ]

You don't believe me? [Chuckles ] Let's have Woody here take a pull.

Go ahead, Woody.

[ Straining ]

[Man In Crowd ] Wow. Fantastic. It's tough.

[ Chuckling ] There you have it, gentlemen.

We told our dedicated staff to give us the finest toupee American ingenuity and technology could offer.

- [ Toupee Snickering ] - We at Alfred will not rest untif every bald man can proudly say,

“Hey, I've got my Alfred. Now, how about you?”

Gentlemen, you're working for a quality company...

that makes a quality product sold by men of quality.

And this year, you're gonna make a lot of money.

[ All Cheering, Chattering ] Stop that beard!

[ Crowd Applauding ]

[All Murmuring ]

[Man] Oh, no!

Look at that.

[Man #2 ] Oh, my goodness! Somebody better call the police! [Man #3 ] He's crazy!

[Groaning ]

You're a lawyer. Yeah.

[Man] I'm gettin' outta here. This is crazy.

[Man #2 ] It's alive! [Man #3] What the heck is that thing?

[ Everyone Talking At Once ]

Gotcha! [ Crowd Chattering Excitedly ]

Yeah!

In a crazy sort of way, I feel sorry for anything that's incarcerated... [ Whimpering ]

without the benefit of representation.

Well, maybe you could— Represent hair?

No. Humans are my specialty.

[ Growls ] [Gasps]

Mr. Ballentine. Well, I guess I should've believed you.

You're a good man. You deserve this victory.

He who laughs last laughs best, huh?

No, Chief. I can't laugh.

I can't laugh at all until...

they find a less-embarrassing word for the penal system.

Oh.

How's it goin'? All right, Schmidt. How ya doin'?

Just great. Is that it?

Well, so they tell me. [ Laughing ] Oh, geez.

See ya at 4:00, huh? Yeah.

[Sighs] Yeah.

[ Laughing ] Oh, geez.

[Continues Laughing ] Ah.

[ Toupee Murmuring ]

Mmm.

[ Toupee Chortling ]