Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Honey? Mm-hmm.

You excited?

I couldn't be happier. [ Chuckles ]

Okay. Uh, the phone— Do we take the phone or leave the phone?

Leaveit. Uh, the new house— You really love it?

Oh, what's not to love? Hmm? [ Chuckles ]

It's the most beautiful, the most wonderful— Sweetheart—

I mean, I love it. It's gorgeous. You know that? Sweetheart— Honey—

No, honey. This is happy. Really. I am happy. Listen.

It's gonna be wonderful. Ugh. It's just that this house—

Yeah, well, you will learn to love the new one.

And all of our friends are here, and— Well, we'll make tons of new ones.

Look, an hour on the freeway every day is killing me. I know, I know. I know.

I never see you. I never see the kids. I know, and you never see the kids.

I know, honey. I'm sorry.

It's just that there are so many good memories...

tied up to this old place.

I don't think I've ever felt... safer...

than I have here in this house.

Barbara— It's true.

And I know you've sensed that too.

Oh, I heard the music again last night.

For 10 years, we've been living in this house,

and for 10 years, you've been hearing things up there.

Yeah. Thats "cause there are things up there.

Well, it's our last night in the house, we've got a big day tomorrow,

so put in your earplugs and let's get some sleep.

Okay.

♪ [Big Band]

♪ [Continues ]

Come on!

[All Chattering At Once]

[ Barbara ] Everybody out. I like this house.

You're sure that you have— [Horn Honks ]

Hey! Hey!

Hi. You the Tuckers?

[Man] Yeah.

Oh. Sorry about the stuff. This stuff yours?

Mm-hmm. Tony. Tony Sepulveda.

Oh, yeah. Hi. Oh. Oh.

You bought the house. Yep.

You dudes weren't here when the real estate agent showed us around.

No. What are those? Kids?

[Man] Yeah. One of each.

Cute. They live with you?

- So far. - Nice.

Tony?

This is my wife, Sheena.

You probably recognize her.

Take off the glasses, honey.

Video Vixens?

Nuclear Winter War Brides?

Don't you people rent adult cassettes? Thighs and Whispers was her latest one.

I'm her personal manager. Here's my card.

- “Nino's for Brakes.” - No, the— the other side.

Oh, the handwritten side.

Robin? I'm up here.

[Barbara] There's something I have to tell you about this house.

We feel that—

Well, / feel that this house is haunted.

[ Gasps Tony!

Uh-huh. Um, it's—

It's nothing bad. 1t's nothing bad. It's just—

[Man] It's nothing.

This house was built in the "20s,

and the first couple that moved in here were the Chumskys.

Evelyn and— and Nelson. Yeah, Evelyn and Nelson.

And, uh, they lived here for about 30 years,

and then, uh, Mr. Chumsky died.

He, uh— He was riding his bicycle and broke his neck.

[Gasps] Ohh! Yeah.

That's tough. So you never cut this back, huh?

Let's play Alice in Wonderland.

Off with her head! [ Screaming ]

- Thank you. - [Sighs]

[ Boy ] Thanks.

And a couple of years later, Mrs. Chumsky died.

The neighbors think she died of a broken heart.

Ohh!

And, uh, then a young couple moved in here.

And?

And they thought they heard some noises...

and saw a few things floating.

And?

And what? The fire! The fire!

Oh, yeah. We had a fire when the kids were younger.

And, uh, we were all sleeping.

And we would have been killed for sure.

Something shook me...

and woke me up.

Is that it? That's it.

So you figure these dead Chumskys are up in the attic, huh?

No, no. Maybe. Maybe.

No. Maybe.

Come on. Give me a break, will ya?

♪ [Big Band]

Happy anniversary, Beauty.

Happy anniversary, Beast. [ Chuckling ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

- Finger paint? - No. Dance.

Well,

you do seem nicer than the others.

Oh! Okay.

Just think. Seems like yesterday,

but here we are, we've been married now for 65 years.

Sixty-five years! [Gasps]

And every year gets better.

[ Both Chuckling ] [Sheena Giggling]

The Tuckers have left.

[Tony] Here I go! [ Giggling, Shrieking ]

[ Tony Growling Playfully, Sheena Squealing ]

I'll miss them. They were lovely people.

Lovely. But what do you think of those new ones?

[ Shrieking ] [ Chuckling ]

[Evelyn] They look a bit brassy, don't they?

Well, they're just people.

I mean, uh, how bad can they be?

[Sheena] I'm ready! [Tony] No, not yet. Not yet, honey.

Now? No, I just gotta move this over here.

Tony! Now? Just wait a minute. I want to move this.

1 just gotta get this right.

Am [in the right position? Honey, I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya when it's time, all right?

Just shut it.

I can't wait here all day. All right.

Spread your arms a little. Spread your arms— That's it.

Now, move your arms back by the pillow. That's it. Okay. Go!

♪ Somebody came to my bedroom ♪

♪ Somebody opened the door ♪

Now, heat it up. ♪ Somebody pulled ♪

♪ Back the covers ♪

All right. Don't hit your head again. ♪ This never happened before ♪

That's nice, honey. All right. Come on down.

♪ It was too good to be true ♪ Mmm-mmm-mmim.

♪ Darling, it was too ♪

♪ Good to be you ♪ Come on. Big bump!

♪ Maybe I was wrong ♪

♪ And I should have put up a fight ♪

♪ Putupafight ♪

That's nice, baby. Don't bite the boa. It's 200 bucks.

♪ But I was never loved like ♪

I feel like we're Peeping Toms.

Don't worry about it. They can't see us unless we let em.

♪ was never loved;

♪ Like-a I was loved that night ♪

Nice. ♪ Oh, what a night ♪

We should go now. You've had enough for one day. No, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna finish big, baby. ♪ Darlin', it was too ♪

Good to be you ♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[ Shrieks, Groans ]

Always end big, honey.

That was great.

I had tears in my eyes.

Really? Well, one eye.

All right. I say we rehearse it one more time.

Then we go down to the mall, go in one of those photo booths...

and shoot your album cover.

You're so good to me. Tony?

Yo. When I was singing just now,

I had this really strange, spooky feeling.

Honey, I told you not to listen to your voice. Concentrate on the moves.

No. I mean felt like...

people were watching me.

“People”? Does that sound stupid?

No, honey. Not coming from you.

Come on. One more time.

[Dog Barking ] What's that?

I forgot to tell you— I got you a dog.

Uh, it's in the closet.

Tony, you locked a dog ina closet?

- He could eat my clothes. - Come on, girl!

[Gasps] Oh, Tony Maroni!

I love him! He's adorable!

[Gasps] You bought him for me?

Yeah. Well, not exactly.

The pet store owner went in the back, and the video security wasn't working,

so, here you go.

Mmm! I named it Sheena.

So you wouldnt forget her name. [Laughs]

Sheena! What's the matter?

Kinda loud, isn't she?

[Tony] Calm down! It sees us!

Dogs always do.

[Cries Out]

Calm down, Sheena! Calm down!

Quiet, girl. Lookit, honey. She likes my picture.

Well, it takes one to know one. [ Chuckles ]

Tony!

No, honey. I meant the movie was a dog.

Nelson, I don't like these people.

They're not nice people, not nice at all.

Well, maybe it's us.

Maybe we're behind the times. Oh! They've ruined our house.

It looks like a... flying saucer.

Did the Tuckers act this way? Did the Hunsuckers?

We can't go through eternity like this.

You're right.

We've got to get them out of here.

[Evelyn] But how?

Boo! [ Cackling ] Oh, Nelson.

Well, we're ghosts, aren't we? People are scared of ghosts.

Let's scare the cream cheese out of these Sepulvedas.

Us? Yeah.

Lets be terrifying!

Oh, Nelson, I don't feel very terrifying. If we had to,

we could bring the house crashing down on their heads.

Nelson! No!

Our house?

If we destroy our house,

then we're doomed.

Doomed to wander through an eternal limbo...

in which our souls will have absolutely no peace.

[ Sheena, Off-key ] Somebody came to my bedroom

Somebody opened the door,

Let's doit. we'll doit. we'll doit.

We've got to doit. Let's doit. Yeah, it's absolute, absolute.

We will.

[Snoring]

They're asleep, Nelson. We-We'd better come back later.

No, no, no, ho, no, no. Brace yourself.

This is gonna be very scary.

Boo!

Boo! Boo!

[ Snickering ]

This is going to send them running in terror? Well, they're heavy sleepers.

Bo-o-0-o! Let metry.

W00-00-00!

Oh, th-th-that's good. That's very good. Uh, alittle more vibrato init.

‘W00-00-00-00!

[ Both Making Ghostly Noises ]

- Tony, wake up! - [ Continues ]

Tony. Remember—

Remember what those people said about the ghosts...

who fell off their bicycles and broke their hearts?

Yeah. [Noises Continue]

Tony! I'm really scared!

It's okay, honey. It's okay.

It's... okay. Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. Oh!

[Tony] Nobody's gonna get you, honey, except me.

[Sheena Squealing, Giggling]

[ Exhales Forcefully ]

Oh! Oh, my.

What? What? What is it?

A movie. A movie?

Yeah. In there?

Yeah. That's how they do it now.

Uh, Zombie Ghost of Cannibal Island.

This— This will teach us...

how to get rid of those two upstairs.

Aah! No! No! Don't eat me! Not my clothes!

[ Moaning ]

[Gasps]

[ Screaming ] No!

[Evelyn] That girl... is the Sepulveda girl!

[Nelson] Yeah. And look how scared she is.

[Sheena] Not that! No!

Turn it off. Turn it off!

No, no, no, no, no. We— We gotta watch.

What do you want with me? [Evelyn] 1 just don't understand.

Clark Gable kissing Vivien Leigh— that's a movie!

Yeah, but now we understand how to scare people. Let's go.

[ Tony Moaning ] [Sheena Giggling]

My God. Even a train stops.

[Evelyn] Let's just get it over with!

All right. Uh, we'll let them see us. Now, together on three.

One, two, three.

[ Making Ghostly Noises ]

[Gasps] Tony, look! Zombies! Zombies.

Get out!

They're gonna want to eat my skin!

Oh, Tony, don't let them eat me!

Sheena! What?

Not you. Sheena!

- [Barking] - Sheena!

[ Barking ]

[Shouting]

Good, Sheena! Kill "em! Kill "em!

[ Shouting Continues ]

- Let's just get out of here. Tonight. Now! - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Tony Sepulveda was not born yesterday.

Well, of course not, honey. Look how big you are.

[Sheena Growling]

Honey,

that wasn't no ghosts.

It was the people that sold us the place.

The Tuckers. Yeah. And they're out there somewhere,

plotting.

But why would the Tuckers— Because they want the house back.

They made a bad deal, so they're tryin' to scare us off.

But they walked through that wall. No, they didn't.

You forget, I'm in the business.

I know special effects when I see'em.

You mean, like Thriller? Yeah.

You got it, baby.

But it's gonna take a lot more than a couple of phony ghosts to scare off Tony Sepulveda.

You hear that, Tuckers? You guys act clean-cut, but—

They' hey're staying! Oh!

Whatever we do to scare them, they're gonna think it's the Tuckers!

Oh, it's hopeless! They're too stupid to scare!

Never mind, dear. We still have each other.

Yes, we do.

And we have our attic.

Our own private love nest.

Thank you, Beast.

Thank you, Beauty.

Tony! What are you doing?

Ew! This is creepy up here!

[Tony] Look at this junk.

How can people live like this?

No class.

You know, maybe we can sell some of this stuff.

Oh!

Nah. I guess not. [Sneezes ]

Hey, Tony. Look at this.

It's newspaper clippings— the Chumskys.

What's vaudeville?

[Tony] Forget it, honey. It's deader than they are.

Hey! This must be Chumsky's bike!

The horse that bit him. [ Chuckles ]

Oh!

What kind of an idiot kills himself riding a bicycle?

[Crash] [Gasps]

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah. Great. Never better.

Tony. Hair.

[Gasps] Oh, Tony! Look! Honey, watch the rug!

Oh! Oh, baby. That isn't real.

Well, either is any of the stuff you've given me.

[Tony] Yeah, but at least the stuff 1 gave you looks—

Hey. Hey, w— wait a minute.

Now I get it.

Now I know why those Tuckers wanted to get back in here. This stuffis real!

And worth somethin'! tis? Wow!

“To Evelyn, from Nelson.”

Aww. [ Chuckles ] Well, it's ours now.

Oh, Tony, none of this stuff even goes with my wardrobe!

Honey, we're gonna sell it and use the money to fix up the attic...

like we did downstairs. No!

You know, nice.

Wait a minute. I got it! We're gonna shoot your next picture right here!

Triple “X.” 3-D. [ Angry Grunt ]

Sheena Does... Everything.

[Yelling] Aah!

- Tony! - Nelson! Shame on you!

Tony!

Tony?

Was it the Tuckers? No.

Was it a special effect?

No.

Was it—

[ Both Yes!

Tony, wait for me! Whoa!

[ Tires Screech, Horn Honks ] Hold it!

[ Barking ] Tony!

[Tony] Down, girl! [Sheena] Tony, wait!

“Kiss the cook.” Okay.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad we're home.

Yeah. What's another hour on the freeway?

That's good. Where'd you learn to do that?

You hungry? Mm-hmm.

Is it me, or do you just get better looking every day?

I probably get better looking every day.

[ Chuckling ] I know you do.

Well, I— [ Chuckling ]

I love this time of year.

Summertime. Freshly cut grass.

Hickory barbecue. Okay, kids. Two minutes.

The kids playing. It's nice, isn't it?

Lovely.

Ah, it's nice to be a family again.