Original subtitles

Right, everyone got their rulebook?

Everyone got their badges?

Everyone got their score card and pencil?

Everyone got their three starting cards? -Three?

Yes, that's right Linda. To be born you need to be in possession of three cards,

aptitude, genetic and socioeconomic. -Socioeconomic, right.

Now, this game is very like the real game of life.

You throw a six to start, then you make your way round the board,

and every time you pass go, which represents another year,

you take your salary and three more cards.

Your career card to see whether or not you've been promoted or made redundant.

Your family card to see whether you've got divorced, or anything like that,

and of course, your catastrophe card.

We each have a catastrophe every year do we, Mr Brittas?

Tragic, but true, Laura, yes.

And the game is over when you're 65,

you retire, you see how you did, and what lessons you've learned.

Okie Dokie?

Mr Brittas, what does FV stand for?

Oh Gavin, I sometimes wonder if you listen at all.

Someone tell him.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

FV means you're a Foolish Virgin, Gavin,

and you are sitting on the side of the Wise Virgins,

Foolish Virgins sit over here.

Swap places with Patrick please.

Why can't I be a Wise Virgin like Tim?

I think you're lucky to be a virgin at all, actually.

Something to say Timothy? -No, Mr Brittas.

Good, right.

Each of the Wise Virgins give me 1500 pounds before the game starts

and they do this, of course, every time they go around the board.

It's the Wise Virgins that do that, is it Mr Brittas?

That's right, Linda.

And I shall be taking the money

and putting it into a personally managed pension fund.

I see.

I've just realised what this is all about.

Right, if we're all ready, who's going to start? Gavin?

We Foolish Virgins are going to drift through life

and drink champagne and have wild parties, and end up with nothing,

and they're going to invest their money in a pension fund.

And when we're all old, they'll have pots of money

and we'll be meths drinkers, sleeping under bridges.

It's all about "Plan For the Future Fortnight" isn't it?

Laura, let's just play the game, and see what happens shall we?

Wouldn't it be quicker just to give us the brochures

on pensions and tell us to read them?

Laura, this game took a great deal of thought, and time to design.

Throw the dice, Gavin.

Yes Mr Brittas.

Six!

Right, dahdahdah dahdahdah.

Catastrophe card for Gavin.

Oh no.

Read it out.

You lose a limb in an industrial accident, and are unable to work.

Lose your job and go back four squares.

Ah, back you go.

Someone to see you.

Not at the moment, Julie.

Now Gavin, do you want a fortune card?

His name's Druggit. Says it's important.

What's important at the moment Julie, is my staff getting to grips with my game here.

Tell Mr Druggit to call back some other time.

Now, a fortune card may help you Gavin, or alternatively, it might make things worse.

If that's the way you want it.

Druggit, what sort of man calls himself Druggit.

Your go, Linda.

Councillor Druggit, perhaps?

Who?

The man who has just been appointed Head of the Leisure Services department.

Councillor Druggit, I do want to apologise

for my secretary not explaining who you were.

Please, come through. -Thank you.

Not many people in today I see?

Well it is August, traditionally a quiet time for us.

I expect it will pick out when the schools go back.

Coffee?

Thank you.

Julie, can we have some coffee please?

I'm busy.

What can I do for you, Councillor?

Jack, please.

It's nothing very complicated.

If I could just start by going over one or two basic facts and figures?

Happy to Jack.

If you've got the time.

Oh, I must say, very impressive software you're using these days, Jack.

Now, I gather this is what it costs to keep The Centre open for a year?

With you, Jack.

And this is income.

That seems to be ballpark, yes.

Now, the ideal situation would be where income was greater than expenditure.

Not one 300th of it.

Couldn't agree more Jack, however...

But we're losing -- this much.

Right, yes.

Well that makes my next move fairly obvious, doesn't it?

I'm sorry, Jack.

I've chalked my cue but I'm not quite sure which pocket we're aiming for.

I'm afraid bad light stops play, Gordon.

Follow on?

Game's over. Time to draw stumps.

What?

You've provided us with a lot of pleasure at County Hall.

Some of your schemes have given us some real laughs.

But I'm afraid all good things come to an end.

You're here to get rid of me?

I'm sorry Gordon, didn't I make that clear?

Yes, that's the whole point of the exercise.

You want me to leave?

That's right, I've got a letter of resignation here.

But I'm not going to resign,

I've got years of work left in me.

That's what frightens us.

No, no, you've moved your shed too close, move it back.

No, no, right back.

Well I know it's difficult, just do your best.

Excuse me.

Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre.

How can I help you?

Can I have a ticket please?

I'd like a ticket for the pool, I've come for a swim.

I'm not sure that...

Laura can you come out here please.

Mrs Brittas.

What do you think of him then?

Well, very intelligent, isn't he.

He's wonderful Carole, he's the best little friend

a girl ever had, aren't you, you lovely boy.

Is he yours?

He's called Wayne.

Do you want to see what he can do? -Well...

Come on boy.

Jumpers! -Mrs Brittas, do you think you're...

It's a cabaret dog you see,

but his owner's just got married, and her husband said she had to sell him.

He didn't approve for some reason. There you are.

Does he actually undo the catch?

No, he bites through it. Could be a bit of an expensive trick.

I'll have to keep it for special occasions.

You got him then?

I couldn't resist him, Laura.

I've just been showing Carole one of his tricks.

What does Mr Brittas think?

They gave me a kennel for him as well.

You did say you'd ask him first.

And a lead, and a bowl with his name on,

and we're going to have a lovely time, aren't we,

because you're such a gorgeous boy.

You haven't told him have you?

Well he's been so busy recently, Laura, making that game thing.

Anyway, I was just going to tell him now.

It's no big deal.

If I could have a word, Laura?

Sorry?

I'm a little worried about Ben.

Well I think we all are at times, Carole.

It's the size of his cupboard, you see.

Since I got him the television, all he wants to do is watch it.

And it's very bad for his eyes.

So I was wondering, is there any possibility of expanding?

You want a bigger cupboard?

Yes.

I thought if we knocked through the wall there,

borrowed a bit from the staff room, it shouldn't be too complicated,

only I thought it might sound better coming from you.

You want me to talk to Mr Brittas?

It's probably best if I show him the dog first.

Well, as soon as he sees him, he'll want to keep him, won't he?

Anything's possible.

I'd quite like him there with me anyway,

just in case Gordon turns a bit nasty.

Here boy.

Wayne?

I expect he's probably gone to the pool.

Really?

He wanted a swim.

That's what he said when he came in.

So, this is what we're prepared to offer.

Two years redundancy, pension paid up in full,

a first class reference,

and 10 grand in your back pocket

if you're prepared to leave the county.

I don't understand any of this.

It's very simple Gordon,

we want you out and we're prepared to pay for it.

But you can't ask me to give up my work here.

Why not?

This isn't just a job you know.

I mean, do you think you could walk up to the local

vicar and offer him £10,000 to give up Christianity?

Well all right, the present one you probably could.

But I have a calling.

This is my life, I can't give it all up.

Gordon, sign the form.

Take the money while you can.

Believe me, the alternative... -You can't fire me.

Under the terms of the Employment Act of 1985, you have to give written warning

on at least three occasions of dis-satisfactory service.

And even then I've a right of appeal.

Yes, we'll have to find a way around that.

I will fight you every inch of the way.

Come on Gordon, it's just you and me in here, we don't have to pretend.

This place is a disaster.

I take serious exception to that, Jack.

This place is not a disaster.

It's a sensitively run, well-oiled administrative machine.

Honed over the years to cope with any crisis.

Thank goodness I've found you Mr Brittas.

Colin?!

It's...

I'm busy, Colin.

But it's another catastrophe, Mr Brittas.

Come now. If you don't come now,

Julie, Councillor Druggit is just leaving.

I apologise for not seeing you out, Councillor.

I have a leisure centre to run.

Colin, we do not have catastrophes in this leisure centre

we have problems which we share and cope with.

I think this one's a catastrophe, Mr Brittas.

How the hell did a dog get into the pool in the first place?

I've no idea Mr Brittas, but he's playing havoc with the ladies' aquarobics.

He keeps taking the tops off their costumes.

A dog?

He's a retired cabaret artiste.

Good grief.

And it gets worse.

Evidently, at hen parties he used to unzip men's flies, and that's been very tricky.

What?

Well, you don't have flies on swimming trunks you see,

so he grabs hold of their...

Alright, Colin, follow me.

Laura, what's happening?

Everything's under control, Mr Brittas.

Linda took the women to the changing room with a needle and thread.

Patrick's looking after the guy with the torn trunks, and...

Where's the dog?

Mrs Brittas has it.

Mrs Brittas?

What's she doing here?

She's drying the dog with a towel.

Oh I see, so it's just the compensation forms to hand out, is it?

And one other thing, Mr Brittas.

What's that Colin?

The dog got a little bit over-excited, he's done his business in the pool.

About the eight foot mark.

Eight foot?

I think Colin means by the depth marker, here.

I'll clear the pool shall I?

I'd rather avoid any adverse publicity at this particular moment, please Laura.

You don't think it might be a bit of a health hazard, do you Mr Brittas?

She's right you know, it's starting to drift round a bit.

The most important thing is to get down there, and remove it.

Well, you're in charge of the pool, Colin.

Leave it to me Mr Brittas.

Linda, little job for you.

Ah, ah, ah, one of the things you'll learn about leadership, Colin,

is that if there's a dirty job to be done, you don't get someone else to do it,

you do it yourself.

You mean, you want to do it Mr Brittas?

I'll go and get my trunks and a polythene bag.

Hello ladies, sorry to drag you in on this one my darling,

I'm extremely grateful.

Oh I don't mind at all.

He hasn't given you any trouble has he?

No, he's been rather fun and very friendly.

Friendly?

Have you heard what he did out there?

Oh I think that was just high spirits, Gordon.

I'm sure if he got to know us all...

Fortunately, he's not going to get the chance.

Isn't he? I couldn't help noticing, he does seem to be very intelligent.

I thought perhaps, if we could train him?

Helen, the one thing I do not need at the moment

is a sex-mad dog bringing in law suits, and a health and safety officer.

What I do need to know is the name

of the irresponsible idiot who owns this animal. Any ideas?

That's going to have to be you.

Julie, get me the RSPCA,

get me a dog handler with a muzzle,

I want an electric cattle prod,

I'll also need...

What's going on in here?

He wanted to see the accounts. -What?!

I was hoping to find some little irregularity, Gordon

which might enable us to fire you.

I told him it wouldn't do any good,

I said that everyone knew that you were a berk,

but you were an honest berk.

Thank you, Julie.

Well, you found anything yet?

Not really. -In that case will you get...

Apart from a slight shortfall in the petty cash.

The what?

The petty cash.

Let me see that.

I make it we're down about,

£300.

That's impossible.

I'm not a detective, Gordon,

but this seemed an important clue.

Gordon, I've taken all the 10 poundses, will explain tomorrow, H.

P.S. the car is still making that whirring noise.

Give me that.

Do we know anyone called H?

Come on.

Hello darling.

What the hell have you done? -What?

What is this?

Well, it's quite clear isn't it? I did it in block capitals.

You have taken money from the petty cash box, Helen.

Yes, that's what it says isn't it?

Why didn't you ask me first?

Well you weren't there, were you?

Anyway, you would've said no.

Come on, Gordon, he wants you to throw it for him.

I'm not here to play games Helen, I need to know about the money.

You can't just leave him begging like that.

Helen, you've taken £300 from petty cash,

I need to know why you did it, and what you wanted the money for?

You bought the dog didn't you?

You spent all that money on a dog?

I'm not an idiot, Gordon,

I wouldn't spend £300 on a dog.

There's a kennel, lead, the bowl with his name on,

I cannot believe I'm hearing this.

And an almost complete bag of Winalot,

and a tag with his telephone number on it.

I don't care what you got.

You stole £300.

I didn't steal anything, I borrowed it.

You've got the note.

If you don't ask the person first, Helen Brittas, it's called stealing.

What?

Borrowing without permission.

Stealing, remember?

I've never heard that before.

No one's ever told me that. No one's ever told me that in my life.

Excuse me Mr Brittas.

Ah Laura, I've got to go to the bank.

What is all this?

What's so serious about taking a bit of money?

It hasn't hurt anybody has it?

I'll be back as soon as I can. Keep an eye on things for me will you?

Yes, of course.

What does it matter? I've taken a bit of money,

it'll get put back, it doesn't matter does it?

Gordon?

Gordon, I'm talking to you!

Gordon, Gordon?

Gordon, I'm talking to you.

He never wanted me to have a dog.

Never wants me to have anything of my own.

The first time in my life I get something I really want,

and he goes and spoils it all.

Helen, it's a little more complicated than you think.

You have been turned down for promotion again,

lose six months' salary and take a fortune card.

Oh God.

You keep landing on those red squares, don't you.

If you had a car, you could just hop over them.

I can't afford a car, can I?

I've given all my money to bloody Brittas' pension fund.

Still playing?

Yes, it's not a bad game.

Housing market collapses, flat repossessed, go back to the bedsit.

I knew it.

Pension scheme is paying off?

No, no, I didn't join it. -I did.

Thanks for nothing Brittas.

When's he coming back?

Well, that's what we're all worried about really.

How do you mean?

You know Councillor Druggit came in this morning?

Yes. -They're trying to get rid of Mr Brittas.

Oh, they're always trying to get rid of him.

Yes but Julie says this time, they're really going for it.

Ah!

There we are, £300.

That's wonderful.

With my apologies and an assurance it won't happen again.

Thank you.

So I think I can tear up the I.0.U.

Aha.

Would that it were that simple.

Sorry?

Well technically, a crime has been committed, hasn't it?

But she didn't know it was a crime.

I'm afraid ignorance of the law is no defence Gordon.

Under the regulations, I have to prosecute.

I have no choice, you see.

It's not going to be easy for her is it,

dragged through the Courts.

Name splashed across the tabloids.

And of course, with her criminal record...

But she hasn't got a criminal record.

Nine charges of shop lifting.

That was years ago.

Two of actual bodily harm.

Those cases are sub judice, you're not allowed to discuss them.

I'd be very worried,

there's a good chance of a prison sentence this time.

Prison?

You know Gordon, a possibility occurs to me.

I suppose you're sure it was her? -What?

What I'm saying is, if a member of the public commits a crime on Council property,

then I'm bound to prosecute.

So you keep telling me.

But, if the offence was committed by one of our employees,

we do have greater power of discretion.

If the money was taken by someone employed in The Centre,

we would probably settle for,

something like, the money being returned

and the person concerned quietly resigning, with a full pension.

If you get my meaning?

It's a choice Gordon.

Either you wife goes to prison or your...

Alright, alright, I'm thinking.

No, I'm not playing any more. -Oh, come on, Tim.

How can you send your children to private school?

I just want to do what's best for them,

give them a good start in life.

I don't see why you have to get married anyway.

It's only a game.

Well I think it's a crummy one,

and when I see Brittas, I'm gonna tell him so.

Problem, Tim?

It's your game, Mr Brittas. -What?

It doesn't work.

I'm doing all the sensible things like working hard

and saving money, and I'm just getting worse and worse off.

Whereas Gavin there is spending money like water, and he's as rich as Croesus.

It's not fair!

That is life for you, Tim.

What?

Life is not fair.

It never has been.

But you said the whole point of the game was to...

In real life, Tim, it doesn't matter how hard you work,

or what you believe in,

it's all based on luck.

But you said...

You work hard, you give it everything you've got,

but at the end of the day,

all you actually do is roll a dice.

You roll the right number,

you succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

You throw another number,

and it all goes down the sewer.

I thought the lesson was...

That's quite a clever game, Mr Brittas.

Oh, it's clever alright Gavin,

but it doesn't mean to say people don't get hurt.

They do rather.

Come on Gavin, I'll buy you a coffee.

I wonder if this might be a good time to talk about cupboard space, Mr Brittas?

It's Ben, you see.

I'm just a little concerned about his eyes.

It's not good for children to sit so close to the television.

Carole. -So if we could extend the cupboard,

it would mean taking room from the staff room, I know...

We are talking about something rather important, Laura.

Laura, if it's bad news I'd rather not hear it if you don't mind.

There's been a call from your house I'm afraid, Mr Brittas.

The baby minder's a bit concerned.

It seems that Mrs Brittas has gone missing.

Right, bye.

All asleep at last.

Any news?

Not really Laura, no.

Apparently they like a woman to go missing

for at least 24 hours before they do anything.

The Sergeant reckons she's just run away again.

She's done this before?

Once or twice, yes.

But she's always taken the children before.

I think she means it this time.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

No, no nothing to worry about at all.

She's only a severely disturbed woman

with a history of inadequacy and depression

who lives on drugs and has suddenly realised she's facing a prison sentence.

No, nothing to worry about!

I'm sorry, Laura, that was completely uncalled for, and after all you've done.

It's alright.

Listen, why don't you get back to that man of yours?

Don't want him worrying as well.

You will be okay, won't you?

I'm quite happy to stay if you want.

You get on home, Laura.

Sure?

I'll be fine. -OK.

Oh, it's you.

Thanks.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

You ought to be in your kennel.

Come on, in you go. Come on.

What's the matter?

There's nothing to be frightened of. It's only...

Helen?

You mean you've been here all night?

Since yesterday lunchtime.

It's just so awful Gordon, I didn't know where else to go.

So you went into a kennel.

It just seemed the right place somehow.

It's quite cosy really.

Have you any idea how worried we've all been?

I'm sorry Gordon.

I just can't go to prison.

You're not going to prison.

They'll find out about all the other things.

Helen.

I remember what the judge said last time. I just can't face it.

Helen, you are not going to prison.

But I stole the money.

I told them it was me.

What?

I told them I took the money.

Of course, and you've got no record or anything, have you?

Did they believe you?

Yes.

So everything's going to be all right?

You're so clever, Gordon.

I do love you.

That's wonderful.

I suppose we'd better get inside then.

Right.

Do we have to?

Let's just stay here for a few more minutes shall we?

Okay.

It's terrible. -What?

He's gone.

Mr Brittas has resigned.

I don't believe it!

This is his letter of resignation, Tim.

By the time you read this, I shall no longer be manager

of Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre. -Why? Why did he resign?

Well according to this, he's laid the foundations of a sound structure

which will carry the flame of sport into the 21st century.

Makes you come to realise that running a leisure centre is a young man's job

and so he's giving way to fresh blood.

Well I think it's a trick.

Like the time he said he'd gone

and then he came back dressed as a woman to see how sexist we were.

I'm afraid he's gone this time, Tim.

He certainly has.

Are you quite sure of that?

He's upstairs packing now.

He's promised to be out of the building before we open.

If everyone would like to step through to the staff room,

there's just one or two things to be sorted out.

It's going to be very strange without him, Julie.

It was strange with him, Colin.

It's gonna be normal, that's what it's gonna be.

Not coming Carole?

No, I think I'm going to stay out here, Councillor Druggit.

The children can make rather a noise at meetings.

Children? -Ben and the twins.

Yes. They are?

Ben's in this cupboard playing with his....

and the twins are, of course, in their drawers.

Good Lord, so they are.

Which reminds me, I wouldn't mind a word

about the possibility of more cupboard space.

More cupboard space?

It's Ben you see.

Growing boys need more space.

And if we took the wall back, we could extend the cupboard.

I've got a drawing somewhere.

You've got a television in there. -Exactly! You can see how close he is.

Now, if we add more feet here,

Alright, Carole, alright.

Here's what we're going to do.

Carole? -Mr Brittas, it's good to see you.

What's wrong Carole?

I've been fired.

Fired, what for?

I don't know.

He just said to pack my things and leave.

What am I going to do Mr Brittas? I'm not trained for anything else.

I've got three children to bring up and nowhere to live.

Alright Carole, it's alright.

It's not alright Mr Brittas,

you don't know what it's like to have everything taken away from you.

No.

This place has been everything to me.

It's been my home, my family.

What am I going to do?

Don't worry Carole.

You come with me.

I'm so frightened Mr Brittas.

There's no need to be frightened, Carole.

Here, hold on to me.

What's going to happen to us?

Don't you worry about that Carole,

just you keep looking at me.

You know, it's the strangest thing,

but while I'm with you, I don't feel frightened any more.

That's right Carole, that's the way.