Original subtitles

British representative on the European Leisure Industries Standards Committee.

It's the job you were made for Mr. Brittas.

Well, I think so Laura.

A chance to work with the people who will be shaping the leisure industry

as it surges into the 21st century.

Deciding the thickness of gym mats,

the height of cubicle doors.

Exactly. It's a great opportunity.

And I'm so nearly there, Laura. They love my CV.

I'm down to the final three.

And it all depends on whether they like you this evening.

Precisely. There's the worry.

Your good suit's back.

If you'd like to find somewhere to leave it please, Julie.

What I need, Laura, is some tactful advice on what to do in restaurants.

You mean which knife you should use? That sort of thing?

No, no, no.

What I mean is Mrs. Brittas.

Oh, they want to meet her as well, do they?

She's never at her best in restaurants, Laura.

She gets confused, nervous.

I've seen her blow her nose on a bread roll.

I'm sure she'll be alright if she can just stay calm and relaxed.

That's what I keep telling her, Laura.

I say, Helen, this is possibly the most important day of my life.

It's absolutely vital that you be witty, charming, and above all relaxed.

That should do the trick.

Who pays for all this, by the way?

Pardon?

For these four people to come to England

and stay at the Savoy while they wine and dine prospective candidates.

Just wondered who paid for it?

Comes out of European funds, I'd imagine.

Ah. -Why?

Just good to know your money's being spent on something worthwhile.

They have to find the right man, Laura,

they have to find the person...

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

Rather a queue at the burns unit.

Alright, Colin, close the door, please.

Colin, what on earth have you done to your arm?

I had a slight problem with a herbal suppository, Laura.

A suppository?

Where were you trying to put it?

One of the cats has this unfortunate little gastric problem, Mr. Brittas.

And I was treating it when I was unexpectedly called to the phone

and unfortunately allowed it to drop down the back of the cooker.

Was this the cat or the...?

No, no, the medication, Laura.

And in bending down to retrieve it,

I inadvertently placed my fore arm on a gas ring

which happened to be alight at the time.

Colin, this is supposed to be a management meeting.

I'm so sorry.

A meeting that was supposed to start over an hour ago.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

Have I missed anything?

You certainly have.

About three months ago I saw an advertisement

in the monthly journal Leisure Review.

Would you like me to hear all this again, Mr. Brittas?

Or should someone go down and open up The Centre?

If you would, Laura, thank you.

Now, this advertisement was inviting applications for a very important post.

You're going to be on the European Leisure Industries Standards Committee,

aren't you, Mr. Brittas.

You've heard then?

We're all so proud.

I haven't got the job yet, Colin.

I haven't got it yet.

But as I was saying to Laura,

if I do get this post, we'll need to buckle...

I love you. -What?!

Eh?

You said something.

No, no, you were the one who was talking, Mr.Brittas.

About the consequences of being on this important committee.

I was saying, Colin, if I do get this post,

you and Laura, as my deputy managers, will need to...

I love you.

Right, what's going on?

Where? -Is this some sort of game, Colin?

Game, Mr. Brittas?

This is possibly the most important day in my life.

I need to have a clear head and concentrated thoughts.

And frankly, one thing I can do without is declarations

of love from my deputy manager.

Foolishly, I was hoping I could count on your support.

I'm right behind you, Mr.Brittas.

All set for the advancing hordes, Carole? -Oh, right Laura.

Just put little Emily back in the drawer, caw.

Everything alright?

Yes, fine, thank you, Laura, caw.

How was last night, then?

Oh, it was wonderful, Laura, such a funny show, caw.

I've never been to a stage hypnotist.

What did he actually do?

Well, he gets all the people to come up on stage

and then he makes them do funny things.

They don't know they're doing it, caw.

And you weren't, by any chance, one of the ones who volunteered, were you?

Oh, yes, we all went up, caw.

Are you alright, Colin?

No, I'm not actually, Laura,

if I have to be honest. I am not alright at all.

What's happened, caw?

I've been fired. -Why?

I have absolutely no idea.

Mr. Brittas simply said I had 10 minutes to get out of the building.

Did he give a reason?

He said he did not require sexual advances from one of his assistant managers

on possibly the most important day of his life.

Well, if you ask me, I think the pressure's getting through to him.

You didn't go to the show last night, did you, Colin?

Could we discuss the theatre some other time, Laura?

I have other problems on my mind at the moment.

Yes, I know, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I think we can clear this one up.

Carole, it might be wise if you don't pick up the phone or speak to anyone

until I get back to you, alright?

But why, caw?

Trust me, Carole, I'll be as quick as I can.

Colin!

Well, what have I done now?

Colin, you and I need to have a little chat.

I love you.

Colin, what have they done to you?

Morning everybody.

Helen, not you as well?

What?

You probably don't know it, but you're trying to talk without moving your jaw.

Well, of course I know. It's the muscles.

What? -They seized up.

So you weren't at the hypnotist's last night?

I couldn't go, could I, not like this.

I need to see Gordon.

Yes, Mrs. Brittas, he's upstairs in the office, caw.

I love you.

Don't ask.

It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

This is unbelievable. Today of all days.

Have you tried the heated pad?

It didn't work.

Here, suck on that.

Oh, thank you, Julie.

Have you any idea what causes it?

It's a localised spasm of the masseter muscles, Julie.

It paralyses the jaw.

Can't you just ease it apart.

Ease it?

You couldn't open it with a pressure vice.

I know, because I tried.

I won't be able to go.

What? -This evening, the restaurant.

But you've got to go, I've told them you'd be there.

There's not much point if she can't eat.

Well, she can smile, can't she?

I'll tell them you're on a diet.

How can I go if I've got to talk like this?

You don't have to talk, I'll do all that.

I'm not going.

Look, they wanna meet my wife.

I've told them you'll be there, you've got to go.

Take Julie.

What?

Pretend she's your wife.

Julie?

I don't think he'd like it.

Why would I want to take Julie?

Well, she hasn't got a frozen jaw for a start.

Look, if you've taken a pill, you're allowed a second one, you know.

I've taken six.

Alright, Julie, the steam room, grab an arm.

What?

A couple of hours in a steam box, my darling.

It's our last hope.

No.

We'll put her head in as well.

So this hypnotist got you all up on stage?

That's right, caw.

You don't even know you're doing it, do you?

Doing what, caw?

Never mind, the hypnotist got you up on stage

and made Colin take his trousers off?

That's right, caw.

What did he do to Patrick?

Well, whenever he hears a bell,

he thinks he has to go to the toilet, caw.

It was a classy show, wasn't it?

I wish we'd gone now.

What sort of bell sets him off?

Oh, any bell.

He had rather a difficult time on the bus this morning.

So, this one would do it, would it?

Oh, don't, Gavin.

People have been making him go all morning.

Oh!

We really missed something, didn't we?

It's not a bell with Colin, is it?

No, Gavin, unfortunately it's a rather common word, caw.

Which word?

Well, I'm not sure I should tell you, caw.

Oh, go on.

Well, if you promise not to embarrass him, it's two things actually.

If he hears the word need anywhere in the sentence, he says, "I love you."

And if, psst, caw.

Carole, my wife needs some towels down in the steam room.

Could you give them to Julie, please.

Now does anyone here do massage?

Massage?

What sort of thing did you have in mind, Mr. Brittas?

My wife has a paralysed jaw, Timothy.

Ah, sorry.

Ah, Linda, the very person.

I wonder, could you go down to the steam room and give my wife a massage?

Nothing complicated, no need to walk up and down her back.

Just a straightforward relaxation of the muscles around the neck and face, alright?

Woof, woof!

Linda!

Woof?

What's with the barking, Linda? -Woof, woof?

You know, I've always thought of you as one of my more level-headed members of staff.

And frankly, it comes as a bit of a disappointment

to learn that you've decided to communicate

with your colleagues this morning in doggy language.

Woof, woof, woof?

She doesn't know she's doing it, Mr.Brittas, caw.

Well...

What did you say?

That she doesn't know she's doing it, Mr. Brittas, caw.

What is wrong with everyone this morning?

Ah, Mr. Brittas, there you are.

You are not supposed to be here.

It's alright, Mr. Brittas.

It's not alright, Laura.

You've got no idea what he tried to do to me this morning.

I've asked him to leave.

We do not need people like...

I love you.

He's doing it again, you disgusting little pervert.

Go on, get out.

Now what have I done?

Get out of the building please, Colin.

He can't help it.

I've gathered that.

He doesn't even know he's doing it.

Neither does Linda, caw.

Woof, woof, woof.

Don't you lot start.

Mr.Brittas!

Julie!

Tell her to stop, Mr. Brittas.

It's alright, she's just responding to a trigger word.

Stop that, Julie.

They all went to a stage hypnotist last night, Mr. Brittas.

A stage what?

A hypnotist. He's implanted suggestions that they do all these things.

They don't have a choice.

Well I do, does this Charlie have a name?

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Thank you, Linda.

Could someone who doesn't bark, get him on the phone, please.

Right away Mr. Brittas, caw.

Well it may only be a bit of fun to you,

but it's left me trying to manage a leisure centre

with people running around barking like dogs, and taking their trousers down.

Probably wearing off in 24 hours is not good enough, Mr. Silverman.

I want it done now! Half an hour, thank you.

Thank you, Gavin.

So you didn't go to this thing last night then?

No, well, Tim and I belong to a...

There's a sort of singles night

that meets on a Thursday, Mr. Brittas,

we go to that.

So, you can't explain it to me then?

Sorry?

Two things, Gavin.

Why was I not invited out on this staff outing?

Ah, well, I think they thought you might not approve.

And secondly, Gavin, why wasn't I at least informed,

so I could've cancelled it?

Ah, Laura, any change?

Well, she's gone all wrinkly.

No, I meant the jaw.

Any sign of movement?

I'm afraid not. It's a little worse if anything.

It's spread to her neck and shoulders. -Right.

I think we should get her home

while she can still bend to sit in the car.

Yes. You wouldn't be free for dinner, would you, Laura?

I beg your pardon?

Top class restaurant.

Get to eat as much as you like it, and it won't cost you a thing.

Mr. Brittas! -Gordon.

What?

If you could get used to calling me Gordon,

it might look better in front of the others.

You're talking about your dinner this evening.

I have to take someone Laura.

I wouldn't normally ask, but you've seen what she's like.

So you're not inviting me out for the pleasure of my company?

No, no, no, certainly not.

It's just because you need a dinner partner to get the promotion.

Right, and you get the chance of an evening out

which perhaps doesn't happen too often these days?

It's very hard for a girl to resist an invitation like that, Mr. Brittas.

Gordon.

I'm so glad I've found you, Mr Brittas. He's here.

Who is?

The hypnotist. He's waiting downstairs.

Right, I'm coming down. Think about it, eh?

Come on, Colin.

I want you to round up all those who were at the show last night.

Will do, Mr Brittas.

Tell them I need them to...

I love you.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Colin.

I've just seen Mr. Brittas.

How's he taking it?

He invited me out for dinner.

He's got the idea that I could pretend to be his wife

and he might still get the job.

Are you going?

Well...

I wish you would, Laura.

No, you mustn't, you mustn't.

Promise me you won't. -Why?

Oh, it's terrible, the restaurant, Laura.

It, it's the food.

He gets it all over him.

He's not a messy eater. He just gets into fights with the waiters.

Happens every time.

The only question is, how many waiters,

and what they hit him with.

Are you alright?

I think it's spreading, Laura.

I can't seem to move my hands now.

And you will no longer feel the need...

I love you.

And you will no longer feel the necessity to obey

any of the instructions I gave you in the theatre last night.

You, Colin, will no longer remove your trousers

or tell people you love them.

You, Linda, will stop...

Uh, uh, uh, if you can come back some other time, please.

We are rather busy, thank you.

Carry on please, Mr. Silverman.

You, Linda will stop barking.

Carole, you will no longer croak,

nor will you stroke men's bottoms.

That explains it.

Bells, Patrick, will no longer make you think you want to go to the lavatory.

And now, as I count back from five,

you will all wake up,

filled with a sense of well-being and good health.

Five, beginning to surface now,

four, starting to move,

three, the eyes open,

two, feeling very good,

and one, wide awake, now.

My apologies again, Mr. Brittas, for any inconvenience.

If there's anything else I can do?

Just wait here please.

Colin?

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

Do you need anything, Colin?

Not just at the moment, thank you very much, Mr. Brittas.

Are you sure, Colin, you don't feel the need, for anything at all?

Well, I wouldn't mind someone having a look at my arm.

Some other time, Colin, some other time.

Well, I think that's done the trick, Mr. Silverman.

He didn't say anything to Julie, Mr. Brittas.

Julie?

Ah, yes, the one who goes around kissing people.

Oh, well I'm afraid that's nothing to do with me.

Just wanted to check out Gavin.

I shall see you later, Julie.

Right everyone, back to work, please.

We've wasted quite enough time for one morning, thank you.

So you make a living out of this sort of thing then, do you?

Well, partly. The real work is my practise in Wigmore Street, of course.

But I enjoy the stage show and it helps spread the word.

A practise, you mean like a doctor?

Yes, indeed.

You mean people actually pay for this sort of thing?

Why?

Well, I suppose they find it helpful.

Helpful, helpful for what?

A great many things.

Nervous conditions mostly, trauma, tension,

psychosomatic disorders.

Tension?

Yes, you see the interesting thing about hypnosis...

Does it work on anyone?

Well, some people are more susceptible than others, but basically yes, anyone.

You haven't got a spare half an hour, have you?

Well, I do have...

I've got a little job upstairs, actually. My wife...

It's alright my darling, he's not going to hurt you.

She's getting even worse, Mr. Brittas, it's gone down to her legs, now.

All he's going to do is send you to sleep

and put secret instructions inside your brain.

Don't worry, Mrs. Brittas, I'm only going to talk to you.

It's alright, darling, he could stub a cigarette out

on your wrist and you wouldn't even notice.

Laura!

Mr. Brittas, this sort of thing usually works best on a one to one basis.

If you'd like to take a seat,

I'll see if I can calm some of your wife's fears.

If you get frightened my darling, just give me a wave, alright.

I can't.

Well, chin up.

Got everything you need, Phil?

I'm sorry?

You know, like a sort of pocket watch to swing in front of her eyes or something.

I think I'll manage.

Why don't you and I go and sit over there, Mr. Brittas?

Right.

Mrs Brittas. -Hello.

Hello. I want you to concentrate on the sound of my voice

because you're going to find, as you listen to it,

that it makes all the muscles in your body relaxed.

It won't.

Don't worry, it'll happen without your even knowing it.

You see on a deeper level your subconscious

has heard everything I've said and believed it.

So when I say relax, you'll relax.

I told you.

Just lean back, please.

Lean back.

I think we've found one of your susceptible ones, Mr. Silverman.

Is he asleep?

No, no, just very deeply relaxed.

He looks rather happy, doesn't he?

Could I go home now, please?

Oh, sorry Mrs. Brittas, do you want to go now,

or do you want to wait until he wakes up?

I'll go now.

Oh, and don't worry about this evening.

The restaurant, I'll go.

Are you sure?

Yeah, course I am.

Oh, Laura, if I could move my arms, I'd hug you.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Come on, Mrs. Brittas.

Thanks, Julie. It's a funny thing,

I'm feeling quite a lot better already.

I don't suppose you're allowed to do anything

to him when he's like this?

Medical ethics, that's the snag.

It's just I've always had this fantasy of what it would be like if he was different.

Yes.

I shouldn't think it's even possible to change someone's personality.

Oh, yes it is.

I treated a very similar case only recently,

as a matter of fact. My garage manager

Successfully?

Oh, yes. The trick is to implant a capacity to enjoy the world as it is

instead of constantly trying to change it.

That's it, yeah.

Unfortunately of course I can only do it with the patient's consent.

Well, I'm pretty sure he'd give his consent,

if he only knew he needed help.

Let's give it a whirl, shall we?

I left the towels in the steam room, Carole.

Right you are, Mrs. Brittas.

You can talk. -I know, isn't it wonderful.

It just suddenly wore off, just like that.

Oh, he did a good job, then, the hypnotist?

I think he saved my life.

Oh, that is good.

You'll be able to go to the restaurant tonight then after all.

Oh, I'm afraid not Carole. Gordon's already made other arrangements.

That would only confuse things.

Cheerio then, Carole.

Bye, Mrs. Brittas, see you in the sports hall tomorrow.

What?

You know, the little talk Mr. Brittas has asked you to do?

Explaining the menstrual cycle to the boys from the comprehensive?

You haven't forgotten, have you?

Yes, I had actually.

Well, he's not saying much.

So something's worked.

He can't actually see us at the moment, or hear us. I thought it was best.

He's not just going to sit there, is he?

No, no, I've programmed him to go down into The Centre

in about three seconds.

Aren't you coming?

I won't, if you don't mind, I'm absolutely drained.

Of course the concentration.

No, it's having a 19 year old mistress that does it.

Let me know how it goes.

Is this yours?

Whose is this then?

Is this you, Carole?

So sorry, Mr. Brittas, I was going to tidy it away.

Carole.

How can I help you?

Get me the staff discipline file, please, Carole.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

And both volumes of the council by-laws

and the safety instructions for minors.

Yes, sorry. Ben wanted to have a friend round, you see.

It gets so cramped for him in the cupboard when they get the trains out.

Right, if you'd like to make a platform over there,

and we'll do a little tunnel over here like so.

Carole?

Yes, Mr.Brittas?

You haven't got any more track?

Nothing wrong, is there?

No, no, it's wonderful. he's having a lovely time.

I just wondered when it was going to wear off?

No need to worry, I was very careful this time,

it'll be gone in a couple of hours.

Oh.

Sorry?

Does it have to?

What?

Wear off?

You mean, can we leave him like that?

Mmm.

Oh, no, no, no, absolutely not.

I don't think it would be right.

It'd be close.

I know it's tempting, but...

Look, I'll be honest with you.

He's got a dinner this evening.

If he could just stay like that for a few more hours.

A few hours?

Till after dinner.

What time would that be?

11, quarter past.

I'll give you till 12.

Right, I'll go and get him.

Not bad, eh?

If only they had people like you running the railways, Mr. Brittas.

Well, I think it's a bit more satisfying than that little circle.

Yes, yes, um, Mr. Silverman would like a word, if you have a moment.

Okie doke, I'll just set this one running.

Mr. Brittas, about this evening.

It's alright, Laura.

No need to panic.

Panic?

I'll go on my own.

I don't know why I didn't think of it in the first place.

I'll tell them Helen is ill,

and if they can't cope with that that's their problem.

I wouldn't mind coming.

What?

If the invitation is still open?

I'd like to come.

Are you sure?

Yes, yes, I think in the circumstances

it might be a very interesting evening.

All the best.

Bye bye.

Thank you very much, take care.

Bye bye.

Two brandies, please.

Well, that seemed to go pretty well, didn't it?

I think it did, yes.

You never told me you spoke French, or German.

I'm not imagining it, am I?

What?

It did go well, didn't it?

Oh yes, I think so. I enjoyed it anyway.

Good. -Here we are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He's invited us to Innsbruck in October.

Has he?

Klaus has got a little cabin up in the mountains.

You did explain to him that I wasn't your wife?

I did, yes. He just laughed

and said Sophie wasn't his wife either.

I think it was soon after that, that they offered me the job.

They didn't!

Congratulations, Mr. Brittas.

Gordon, please.

Congratulations, Gordon.

Thank you. You don't mind not going to the nightclub with them?

Oh no, no, no, we've both got to work tomorrow.

We'll drink these up and I'll walk you home.

I have a toast.

Yes?

Here's to three very successful years,

on the European Leisure Industries Standards Co...

Oh, no!

What?

Is that the time?

Where?

Look, I'm awfully sorry, but I have to go.

Excuse me, could I have my coat, please?

Why? What is the time?

It's half a minute to midnight.

Oh.

Look, it's been a lovely evening,

really, I'm sorry, but...

Two brandies, you can't charge that

She didn't even drink hers.

I don't see any reason why I should pay, when we all know

you're gonna pour it back in the bottle.

Don't poke me.

What's going on?

Everything alright, miss?

Yes, thank you.

Waiting for someone?

No, I don't think so.

I'm not paying your bill, no way.

Not any more.