Original subtitles

Any messages for me, Carole?

I don't think so.

Colin, it's you.

No one's been asking for me at all?

No, no. Colin, what's happened?

You look...

If anyone wants me, I'll be in the staff room, okay?

Yes, yes, of course.

You wouldn't believe it, would you? -Sorry, Gavin?

The things people leave in the changing room.

Look.

A set of lower dentures.

A bowie knife. A large bottle of milk of magnesia,

And a copy of this! All from the Saga outing, apparently.

I'll get lost property book, shall 17?

Would you? Thanks, Carole.

This is lunch, is it?

For the children?

No, that's for Biggles.

I got Ben a little kitten.

I think it's so important children learn to grow up with animals, don't you?

Well, yeah. You haven't got them all

living in the same cupboard, have you, Carole?

No!

That didn't work.

No, Biggles has got two of his own drawers now.

One to sleep in, and one for his little business tray.

So, this is cat food?

Yes. Ben's bowl is over here.

Oh, right. -Lost property book?

Oh.

Here we are.

Thanks, Carole.

Okay, Benny, here's your lunch.

No, no, I think, this one...

Excuse me.

Oh, welcome to the Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre.

How may I help you?

I've got an appointment to see the manager.

Oh, dear, have you? Well, he's not in today.

No?

Yes, he's away for the weekend, sailing.

Is he?

He didn't say anything about that this morning.

This morning? I'd better check.

It's all right, Carole, I'll deal with this.

I thought we'd start with coffee upstairs in my office.

Done it again.

Sorry, Laura?

The boiler's just turned itself off.

Oh dear. What is it this time?

Well, according to the £10,000 electronic self-diagnostic

troubleshooting display unit, the problem appears to be D3.

I've got to get Colin to have a look at it.

You've just missed him. He's gone upstairs to his office with a girl.

With a girl?

Quite a good looking one, it's all rather mysterious.

How do you mean?

Well, he's not like he normally is, Laura.

He sort of...

Well, clean.

And the smell has gone.

Gosh, this sounds like a case for the three Mary's.

Went up his office, you said?

Yes.

Carole, Colin doesn't have an office.

No, I wondered about that.

Yes?

Is everything all right, Colin?

Fine, thank you, Laura.

Yes? -Could I have a word?

What? -It is rather important.

It couldn't wait until later?

No.

No, no, right.

So what's the problem, Laura?

Hi.

Hello.

What can I do for you?

It's the boiler again, I'm afraid.

Apart from Mr. Brittas, you're the only one that seems to understand it.

So I wondered if...

you wouldn't mind having...

Having a look at it!

No, of course not.

Let's get down there right now, shall we?

And see what we can do.

Laura.

I'll stay here, I think.

Really?

Yes, someone's got to look after your visitor,

if that's all right with you, Mr. Weatherby?

Yes.

Yes. Of course.

I'm Laura. -Stephanie.

And you're from?

Hobart, Tasmania. -Oh.

Just over for the two weeks.

How are you finding Whitbury Newtown?

Oh, it's been fantastic, Laura.

But here, well, this is a bit I came for?

Is it?

You know, at first I thought I might have to go back

without actually seeing The Centre.

What with you all being under such tight security, for the Olympic trials.

Oh, those.

And then suddenly the day I'm due to fly home,

he says it's all right, I can come in, and see his office and everything.

Oh, it's a big moment for me, Laura.

It's quite a big moment for me too.

And it's all just like he described in his letters.

His desk, his sofa, where he does his thinking.

A photo of him shaking hands with the Duchess of Kent.

Good Lord, so he is.

You can't imagine what this means to me, Laura.

And quite apart from the emotional excitement

of meeting Dad for the first time.

Dad?

Well, I suppose it's a feeling of...

coming home.

Right.

Oh, look!

These must be the books he's written.

I suppose you've read them all, have you?

Yes.

Stephanie, would you excuse me a minute?

I just have to go to ask your father something.

Colin, what the hell is going on?

I'm so sorry, Laura.

That girl says she's your daughter.

Yes.

And she seems to think you're in charge here.

She lives on the other side of the world, Laura,

I never expected her to come here.

I just wanted her to proud of me.

I wanted her to think that her dad had something with his life.

So you told her you're the manager?

Yes.

Colin, how on earth did you think you'd get away with it?

I don't know, I just...

You can't pull off a stunt like this without telling the staff.

I didn't want to tell anyone.

I thought they might laugh.

Laugh?

Why on earth would they laugh?

Well, all right, maybe they would laugh,

but they still might be able to help.

Colin has a daughter.

I didn't even know he was married.

He's not.

Apparently when he was a junior in Sunderland

he had this brief affair with a colleague.

I heard it was very brief.

Half past eight till twenty to nine.

Shortly afterwards she got immigration papers, and went to live in Australia.

So Colin's never seen his daughter.

Until now. But he's written to her regularly.

And told her he's the manager.

Right.

So I suppose he wants us to treat him the same way we would Mr. Brittas.

Or completely different in your case, Julie, yes.

I'm afraid there's more to it than that, you see,

because in his letters he said a lot of things about himself

some of which, strictly speaking, aren't true.

Well, like what?

Well, apart from his duties managing The Centre,

he's also found time to train the British ice figure

skating champions, invent the inflatable running shoe,

present a regular spot on breakfast television

called Ask Colin, and write a series of historical thrillers

under the pseudonym Ellis Peters.

Didn't any of it strike her as being a bit far-fetched?

She's an Australian, Gavin.

Yeah, look, it all boils down to this,

Stephanie thinks he's wonderful.

As far as she's concerned he's the perfect father,

and I think it would be really nice if she went back to Australia still believing it.

So, we not only have to make her think Colin's the manager,

but some sort of superhero as well.

Yes.

It's not going to be easy, is it?

No.

Any suggestions?

Male changing, female changing, notice board, horizontal, parallel,

and that will be the squash courts.

Oh, while you're there, Mr. Weatherby!

I just wanted to tell you, me mother says, "Thank you."

Your mother?

He's forgotten already!

This man, right, gave my old mum 500 pounds to have a cataract operation.

All thanks to Mr. Weatherby she can see again.

He's a saint.

Dad.

Morning Mr. Weatherby.

Ah, Linda. -Everything all right?

Couldn't be better, Mr. Weatherby.

This is the under-9s Penguin Club.

They're all orphans actually.

Really?

Normally they couldn't afford to go swimming,

but your father very kindly pays for them out of his own pocket.

They're all rather fond of him as you can imagine.

Come on you orphans.

Three cheers for Mr. Weatherby, our manager.

Hip hip! -Hooray!

Hip hip! -Hooray!

Two minutes, my darling.

Puss, puss, puss?

Puss, puss?

Ben, you haven't seen Biggles anywhere, have you?

Have you see Colin, Carole?

I'm sorry, Tim, how may I help you?

I've been waiting for him down in the boiler room.

You haven't heard then?

Heard what?

Morning all!

You're not supposed to be in today.

Just returning a Leisure Centre Biro

which I inadvertently took home last night.

Bye.

Time to stand around gossiping, Tim?

I'm just trying to sort out the boiler, Mr. Brittas.

The boiler? What's wrong with the boiler?

Oh, nothing unusual, it's just not working.

Not working?

High tide 2:30, leave here 1:45.

I think I can give it five minutes.

Follow me, Tim.

As far as I can tell, it's all been a huge success.

She was actually crying when she told me about your orphans, Linda.

Really? -Oh, good.

She cried again when we showed her the place

where Colin fought off the 17 drug-crazed bikers.

She hasn't even seen your plaque yet, Julie.

That should really set her off.

What?

Do you have to read that here?

I'm not reading it, I just found it in lost property.

It's just that some people find that kind of material

rather offensive, you know. -Do they?

So I just couldn't help noticing there's a picture of Mrs. Brittas.

What?!

Mrs. HB of Whitbury Newtown.

Reader's wives. Our randy readers send in their saucy snaps.

Doesn't sound like Mrs. Brittas, does it?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like Mr. Brittas either.

No, I think it must be a hotel,

I don't recognise that shower curtain.

You never know, do you?

The dark secrets that lie hidden behind the bedroom door.

Morning, everybody.

You know, I've just seen the most extraordinary thing.

Colin wearing a jacket and tie.

What's more he's got the most beautiful girl with him.

Honestly, you never know with people, do you?

You think they're one sort of person,

and then suddenly you catch them doing something

which puts them in a completely different light.

What's going on?

Don't fiddle, Tim.

Right, here we are.

D3, air inlet flange non operational.

Check air draught accelerator unit F666-93.

Draught accelerator unit.

I think they mean the chimney, Mr. Brittas.

Possibly, Tim, yes, but I think we stick to

the manufacturer's recommended procedure, if you don't mind.

And this must be the air inlet flange.

Hang on, Tim.

Well, it's got air inlet flange written on it.

Right, well, it needs turning 40 degrees

by adjusting the knurled butterfly grommet

in a counter-clockwise... -It won't go.

Wait till I've finished, Tim.

In a counter-clockwise direction firmly.

I've tried that.

Let me have a go.

Obviously, something's blocking it..

Well, that's what I said.

Perhaps if I put my hand in, I can...

Tim, I did a course on this boiler. Let's leave it to the expert, shall we?

Now, interruption in airflow see page 34.

It sounds like an animal in pain.

Now, we have a choice of methods of clearing post combustive debris.

We can either send up a jet of boiling steam.

Well, we haven't got any steam, Mr. Brittas.

The boiler's broken.

Right, well, in that case we use

the compressed air supply by opening valve P334.

Right, P334. Here we are.

Funny how they always land on their feet, isn't it?

How did a cat get in there?

Perhaps it's a stray.

Really?

There's an identity tag that has the leisure centre

phone number on one side, and Biggles on the other.

Wait here, Tim, there's a few questions I have to ask our receptionist.

Don't worry, I'll find him.

Remember this is Colin we're dealing with here, Julie. Try not to panic him.

Look, all I'll say is that Mr. Brittas is somewhere

in the building and if the two of them meet the game's up,

he'll lose his job, his daughter will despise him, and his life will be in ruins.

Leave it to me.

Oh, gawd.

I can't believe this,

I just can't believe this is happening to me.

I feel so cheap.

Yes, well.

I mean, how could he? How could he do this to me?

You mean he didn't tell you?

Tell me what?

That he was sending in the photo.

Well, he couldn't, could he?

He doesn't even know where I live.

Oh, so it wasn't Mr. Brittas?

Gordon?! Good Lord, no!

Just someone I met, it was years ago.

I see.

Before you were married.

Quite possibly.

Oh, I can't bear it, Laura, it's so humiliating.

Look, I'm sure the staff won't tell anyone.

It's not the staff, is it?

I mean, this thing's read everywhere.

I just keep thinking of the millions of people

up and down the country just staring at my body and...

Mind you, it's not a bad photo, is it?

I suppose not.

I had something worth looking at in those days.

I mean, look at that.

Helen, you have to get rid of this!

Do I?

Well, if Mr. Brittas was to come in and see it,

don't you think he'd be rather upset?

Oh, God, I never thought of that.

Well, he's sort of black with little white paws,

and I just wondered if maybe he'd wandered round the pool area.

Would you, Gavin?

Thank you.

Carole?

Yes, Mr. Brittas, how may I help you?

Have you been keeping a cat behind here?

Cat, Mr. Brittas? No.

Well, what's this then?

That's Ben's lunch, Mr. Brittas.

Mm, my word that's good.

Goodness.

So you're telling me that's not cat food?

No, no, not.

And I suppose you're going to tell me that is not a cat litter tray?

You mean the children's sandpit?

Just for Ben to play with his little diggers.

Oh dear, someone seems to have left a toffee in there.

I will ask you one last time,

is this animal yours?

It's... It's a kitten.

So you've seen him before then?

No. I just knew it was a kitten.

Carole, one of the abiding principles of my life,

and I may have mentioned this before, is a belief that

the greatest of all the eight virtues is honesty.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

So many people think telling the truth

is something you only have to do when it suits you,

and that somehow it's all right to tell lies

to get yourself out of trouble, but it never works.

Doesn't it? -Never, Carole.

Oh well, back to the boiler for you.

Mr. Brittas? -Yes, Carole?

I just wondered what you were going to do with him.

Well, if you'd said he was yours, I would have

returned him and said be more careful next time.

But since he's not, who knows? -Yes Mr Brittas.

This plaque was erected in honour of Colin Weatherby,

manager of this centre, for his bravery

in rescuing 33 schoolgirls, victims of mass hysteria from drowning in this pool.

You never told me about this!

No? Well, it didn't seem important.

Oh, Dad!

I'm so glad I made this journey.

So am I, pet.

Um, Mr. Weatherby?

Yes, Julie?

Just thought I'd let you know,

Mrs. Brittas is in the staff room.

I am rather tied up just at the moment, Julie.

Um, she's come into The Centre with her husband, Mr. Brittas.

Would you excuse me for just one moment, please?

Mr. Brittas is in the building?!

Where?!

I don't know, he could be anywhere.

Oh, is that him?

Sorry, my mistake.

Julie, what am I going to do?

I think now might be a good time

to show your daughter the far side of the playing fields.

Gavin?

Yes?

Gavin, would you do something for us? -Yes, of course.

I want you to get rid of this magazine, please.

Oh, right.

Don't just chuck it in the bin or anything, Gavin.

It has to be destroyed. -Burn it.

I understand.

Ah right, re-ignition, here we are, chapter 10.

I think you stick a match in here, Mr. Brittas.

First insert ignition wand into aperture B450.

What's an ignition wand?

We normally use a box of matches.

Right, Tim.

Simultaneously depressing the starter safety assist for at least five seconds.

I'm doing that.

Right.

[ hatch squeaks open]

Er, Gavin?

Mr. Brittas.

I hope you weren't thinking of putting

unsuitable household waste into our new boiler.

No, Mr. Brittas.

This furnace burns high grade anthracite nuts at a very precise temperature.

And as I pointed out at last week's staff meeting,

other irregular semi-combustibles can seriously disturb its delicate balance.

What have you got there anyway?

Nothing, Mr. Brittas.

Come on, Gavin.

Uh-huh!

It's a dirty magazine!

Came down here for a little read, did we?

That's disgusting!

All right, Tim, I'm dealing with this.

You buy this sort of thing, do you, Gavin?

No, no, Mr. Brittas, I found it.

He's trying to weasel out of it, Mr. Brittas!

I think you and I need to talk this one through, Gavin.

Upstairs, please, in my office now.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

All right, Tim, all right.

Colin's pretending to be the manager?

Yes, it's a long story,

but if you could get Mr. Brittas out of the building.

Right, yes, it seems to solve most problems, doesn't it?

Carole, have you any idea where Gordon is?

I think he's up in his office, Mrs. Brittas.

What's he doing up there?

It's all rather upsetting, Laura.

He found Gavin in the boiler room with one of those...

you know, magazines.

He what?!

I know, I'm as surprised as you are, Mrs. Brittas.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Could be tricky, this.

Of course, strictly speaking, Gavin,

what you've done is neither illegal nor criminal.

But, I think the rest of us are entitled to ask

is your behaviour the sign of a healthy, moral society?

He doesn't think about things like that, Mr. Brittas,

Just his own pleasure.

What you have to remember, Gavin,

is that every face you see in this magazine is a person.

Somebody's daughter, somebody's girlfriend,

even someone's wife maybe.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I mean, how would you feel

if one of them was your girlfriend?

You'd be rather upset, wouldn't you?

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care if other people are hurt.

It's not fair! -Isn't it?

How would you like it if you saw me with a magazine like that?

Timothy!

Look, Mr. Brittas, there's a perfectly simple explanation.

Good. Could we hear it please?

Good. -Could we hear it please?

Well, I was just taking the magazine down to...

Yes?

I, I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have done it.

There's no excuse is there, Gavin?

No.

You just wanted to look at pictures of girls with no clothes on.

Yes. -You are despicable!

Thank you, Tim!

Not now, my darling.

We just wanted to make sure everything was all right, Mr. Brittas.

Yes, everything's fine, thanks, Laura.

Really? -Yes, my darling.

I've just been explaining to Gavin here

why magazines like this are fit only for the rubbish bin.

Oh, good.

We'll leave you to it then.

If you would, Laura, yes.

Right, Gavin, now you've admitted the truth,

let's try and move on, shall we? -Yes Mr Brittas.

I think what we need to do

is examine the motives behind that behaviour,

and find out why others of us find it so unacceptable.

I think what we need here is a greater realisation

of what is going on in the world.

What is going on around us in this...

What is going on around here?

Well, I'm still waiting.

We could start, for example, with why there is on my wall,

a picture of Colin shaking hands with the Duchess of Kent,

when I think that is an incident most of us would rather forget.

Anyone?

All I want is the truth.

I think I'm entitled to that.

All right, I'll tell you.

Thank you, Laura.

A lot of us worry about Colin,

you know, his problems and his lack of self-confidence.

And so we rang a radio phone-in,

and the doctor there suggested that role playing

a more important position in The Centre

might give him some sense of worth and self-esteem, so we used your office.

We know it was wrong, we know we should've asked you first,

but we only did it because we wanted to help

a fellow member of the team and because...

because we care!

Yes.

So that's it, is it?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

You wanted to help.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Why do people do this?

Where does everyone get the idea

that telling lies is somehow going to help?

I keep saying, it never works.

Now, could somebody please tell me the truth?!

We have all day if need be.

Boy, that was a close one, eh?

I've left her outside in the car.

I've got to get her luggage out of his office, right?

And I can't do that until I'm sure he's out of the building.

Has he gone yet?

Not yet, Colin, no.

If someone could put him back on his chair, please.

Call yourself deputy manager?

Don't you dare try something like this again.

Oh, there you are, Gordon. All set?

Bring him in, please, Laura.

On the sofa, please.

Gordon?

Yes, my darling, a rather important disciplinary matter

to be settled before we go.

Wait outside, will you?

Right.

Julie, a couple of doughnuts for my wife, please.

Colin, do you realise what a serious offence you have committed?

I shouldn't have done it, I know I shouldn't.

Impersonating a leisure centre manager?

It's not that serious, is it?

You can get shot in the army, for something like that, Laura.

It's no more than I deserve, Mr. Brittas.

He hasn't done any actual harm.

No harm?

He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter.

He just didn't want her to get hurt.

Ah, that's how it always starts, Laura.

You think lies are going to make things easier,

so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed

you were doing. You keep the 10p you found on the pavement.

You tell the Poppy Day lady you've already given,

next thing you know you're fiddling your tax

and taking paper clips home from work.

I've let you down very badly, Mr. Brittas, I know that.

You've been very foolish, Colin.

Foolish can't begin to describe it, Mr. Brittas.

I've been selfish and, and reckless.

And here's you just trying to enjoy yourself

on your one day off after all your hard work.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Who are you?

This is Stephanie, Mr. Weatherby's daughter.

Hi. You must be Gordon.

Sorry?

Dad's told me so much about you.

He's been telling quite a few stories today.

Well, he's always said if it weren't for you

this place would crumble inside a week. -Has he?

You're the one who gave him the idea about the dream, aren't you?

When Dad first wrote to me about that I thought it was

the most exciting idea I'd ever come across.

Did you?

Well, it certainly sorted out what I'm going to do with my life.

Right. And that is?

I'm going to work in leisure centres.

Yeah, if I can just get my qualifications,

I want to dedicate the rest of my life to bringing people together through sport.

Well, Stephanie, I must say I wish more young people had that sort of idealism.

Yeah, well, it's like Dad said in one of his letters,

you have to think not what your leisure centre can do

for you, but rather what you can do for your leisure centre.

Tell me, Gordon, what's he really like to work for?

Stephanie, Mr. Brittas, doesn't work for me.

No? -No.

No. -That's right.

We have a motto at this leisure centre, Stephanie.

None of us actually work for the manager,

we all work for the team.

Well, that's very kind of you to say so...

Gordon.

That's quite all right -- Mr Weatherby.

It's been so wonderful meeting you all.

Bye Laura. -Bye, Stephanie.

Bye, Gordon.

You better watch out for this one, Dad,

he'll be after your job next.

Be all right until I get back, will you?

We'll do our best, Mr. Weatherby.

If there's any problem you can always ring me at the station.

Don't push it, Colin.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

You must know how very grateful I am for everything...

Get in the car, Colin.

We've all learned an important lesson today, Laura.

Have we, Mr. Brittas?

One worth remembering.

When weighed in the balance, the happiness of others is even

more important than the slavish adherence to the truth.

I must try and remember that, Mr. Brittas.

Now, if you'd excuse me,

I have something small and furry to return to its owner.

See you there, my love.

Where is he going now?

He's had something of a change of heart,

he's going to give a cat to Carole.

Oh, good.

Um, Laura, would you mind looking after the picture for me?

What?

I couldn't destroy it.

I've done so little with my life.

I just wanted something to be able to show my grandchildren.

I see.

So if you wouldn't mind looking after it,

just till we get...

Gordon!