Original subtitles

Lights are in.

As soon as the music starts, you move forward.

Right, that's good.

Now Matthew's godparents come this side

and Mark's godparents come this side

That's nice.

Right. We wait for the voluntary to end.

Da da da da da da.

After a brief word of welcome the babies are passed to the parents.

So, Matthew goes to myself.

No, not me Linda.

No?

For the purposes of this rehearsal,

I am my brother, The Reverend Horatio Brittas.

I thought I'd made that clear.

Sorry. I must've missed that bit.

I'm Mr. Brittas.

Alright, thank you Colin.

So, Mathew goes to me.

Mark goes to Mrs. Brittas.

Oh, she's not here yet here yet.

She had to go in town to get a hat.

Right well...

Shall I stand in for her?

Right.

Here we are.

Right. So, I'm Mrs. Brittas

and I've just given me the baby.

Right. So, the parents hold onto the babies until...

Colin, where are you going?

I am afraid we've had a bit of an accident here, Mr. Brittas.

I'll, I'll just get a fresh nappy from Carole.

Colin come back.

I wouldn't like the little chap to be uncomfortable.

It's not a real baby, Colin. It's a dummy.

It's not the only one around this place.

Are you sure?

I borrowed it from Carole.

But it was crying quite distinctly just a minute ago.

I gave it drink.

That's why it wet itself.

It's a crying wet doll.

You put water in one end and it comes out the other.

Excuse me, could we get on, please?

It's very realistic, isn't it?

Oh for God's sake Colin. Just hold it, will you?

Right. Now, when we get to the part where the Vicar asks,

"Who names this child?" The chief godparents of each child

steps forward and collects the babies, and brings them over to the font.

Well, come on Tim.

I can't take a baby, I'm holding a candle.

You're not supposed to be holding a candle.

If you remember Mr. Brittas,

I will in fact be holding the candle this afternoon.

But just for this morning you...

Yes alright, Colin, thank you.

I'll take it, shall I Mr. Brittas?

Right. Thank you, Gavin.

So, Tim goes to collect one baby,

and the godparents...

Why are there no godparents on this side?

Well I'm over here, Mr. Brittas,

being your wife.

I'll come and be Laura. Shall I?

Thank you Linda

Colin, must we listen to that noise?

I'm sorry, Mr Brittas. I just can't seem to stop it.

That's because you haven't changed his nappy.

If you don't change it, it just gets louder and louder.

My sister has one.

Could someone take the batteries out of that thing please?

Batteries?

I'll do it.

Thank you. Now perhaps we can get on with the rehearsal?

Well come on, Linda. We're waiting.

Me?

Well you're Laura, aren't you?

Oh yes, sorry.

You go and get Mark.

Which one's Mark?

Oh for God's sake, they're twins.

Just take one and let Tim take the other.

From Colin?

Yes!

And is Colin Colin or is Colin you?

What?

I thought I supposed to to be uncle Herbert?

Who's uncle Herbert?

Mr. Brittas, I've been thinking.

Look, there is no need for anyone to think.

It's all perfectly simple. I'll go through it one more time.

I am The Reverend Horatio Brittas,

Laura is Mrs. Brittas, my wife,

Colin is me except for when he is standing over here

with a candle when he is Colin,

Tim is Uncle Herbert, Matthew's main godparent,

who'll be joining us from Godalming later,

and he and Laura, who is Mark's main godparent,

and who in these circumstances is Linda,

come back and collect the babies

from me who is Colin

and Mrs. Brittas who is Laura. What could be simpler?

He's arrived.

Right. Thank you, Julie.

Who? -Your brother!

Says he wants to talk to you.

Right.

Laura, take over. Run it through one more time

and try and get them to concentrate.

Back in two minutes.

I'll take the batteries out, shall I?

Colin?

Yes

This is a real one.

Here we go, Ben.

Who's a good little boy for asking Mummy?

Mr. Brittas, the cake's arrived.

What?

For the christening.

Isn't it beautiful?

If you can get someone to take it down to the sports hall Carole, carefully.

I'll guard it with my life Mr Brittas.

Oh my word! We have had a little rain storm, haven't we?

Mummy should have asked you earlier.

If you can get this to Laura for me please.

Sorry?

It's a prayer book for the rehearsal.

You're a bit earlier than expected, bruv.

Gordon!

Julie gave you a coffee, I hope.

She said she'd rather not bother.

Right, good.

So what can I do you for?

Well...

Julie said you wanted a word?

Yes.

It's happened.

What's happened?

You don't notice anything different about me?

A sort of -- radiance?

You haven't had another visit from an angel?

In a sense, I suppose I have.

Her name is Philippa.

She lives in Horsham.

You've met a girl!

Not just a girl, Gordon,

I think this might be The Girl.

Well bruv, that's fantastic.

Yes. But I've really come to ask for your advice.

Advice? Of course Horatio.

Let me tell you the golden rule in these matters.

I once heard a wise man say,

"The way to handle a woman, is to love her.

Simply love her.

merely love her,

love her,

love her."

Yes, yes. I see that. I was thinking more about, you see, there's a bit of a problem.

Right.

Can I have the prayer book Carole?

Sorry, Laura?

The prayer book. Mr. Brittas said he left it here.

Yes. You're not going to put it in your mouth, or anything like that, are you?

I must say I wasn't planning to.

What's happened, Carole?

Absolutely nothing, nothing.

Oh, Laura. It's so awful.

I'm so embarrassed.

Morning all.

Helen!

Now, tell me honestly, what do you think.

This one or this?

Um.

I want to look mature and dignified

but still young, attractive and vivacious,

but warm and welcoming

in a womanly, wifely sort of way.

Know what I mean?

I'll let Gordon decide, shall I?

Umm, could you look after the twins for a minute Carole?

Oh yes, Mrs. Brittas. There's plenty of room in here.

Yes. I'd rather they weren't in a drawer, if you don't mind.

Oh, well there's the cupboard. -I'll take them with me shall I?

Bless you, Laura. I shan't be a minute.

Helen? -Yes?

Where are they?

Hmm?

The children?

So what's wrong with her then?

Nothing, nothing's wrong with her.

She's a wonderful person.

It's just... -Yes.

It's just, it's just that marriage is a very big step.

Well it certainly is, bruv.

You see, it's always struck me

that your relationship with Helen

is about as near perfect as it could be.

Well, I am unusually blessed in that respect, Horatio yes.

So how did you decide?

Well, obviously I was in love with Helen, Horatio

but I also asked myself certain hard questions.

Questions, yes.

For instance, does she share my interests?

Can she manage money?

Is she honest?

Are we physically compatible?

Of course you're not allowed to find out that out, are you?

Not really, no.

But the most difficult question,

the one that cost me the most soul searching was,

"What sort of mother will she be to my children?"

Gordon, could I have a word? -Not now, darling. I've g...

Now, Gordon!

So she's pretty sure she had them with her in the butchers,

and she thinks she still had them in the card section at Smith's.

Isn't that right, Helen?

Yes. I think so. It's a little bit confused.

Right, so. Somewhere between there and the leisure centre,

she must have put them down, and forgotten to pick them back up again.

Laura, please.

Right. The red ribbon represents the route that Mrs. Brittas took

and these green circles are the places that she thinks she stopped

before catching the bus.

Right. Now as you'll see, there are eight of them

so the best thing I think is if we each take one location.

Shouldn't we call the police?

The police have been notified, Timothy,

but time is of essence so anything we can do...

I just feel so awful

and today's just the day we need them.

Yes, alright Helen, alright.

So, Linda if you can take Smith's for me, please.

Gavin, Debenhams.

Tim, Oddbins.

Patrick, Sainsbury's.

Oh, could I do Sainsbury's?

Pardon?

Well, I'm planning a casserole for this evening.

If I did Sainsbury's then I could...

It doesn't matter.

Julie, if you could take the Jolly Farmer for me, please.

Laura, Marcel's Wine Bar.

Colin, the park.

That is the bench nearest the bandstand. Is that right?

You've got a problem with that, Colin?

I was just wondering how we'd recognise them, Mr. Brittas.

What?!

The twins.

I was just wondering,

were they're wearing any distinctive clothing for instance?

I knew someone would ask that.

Colin, how many sets of twins do you think get lost in Whitbury in a morning?

If you see a pair, just tell us, alright?

Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

And I shall take the Belgian chocolate shop.

Now, on arrival at your respective locations,

find the person in charge and then ask them politely please,

if my wife left a pair of twins there sometime after half past 10 this morning.

Right, let's move.

I've just had the most marvellous idea, Mr.Brittas.

Have you, Colin?

It suddenly came to me, the best way to find anything,

Yes?

The one sure way to get a result,

a postcard in the newsagent's window.

What? -I can write one out for you now,

it only costs a few pence

but you'll be amazed at the amount of people who see them.

Well, I remember a few years back,

my mother lost a very important urine sample in the bread shop.

Colin, would you mind going outside

and lying down in front of the minibus please?

Right away, Mr. Brittas.

Any particular reason?

Yes. I'm driving it into town.

Sorry. We are closed at the moment, if you'd like to come back at the weekend.

Minibus keys please, Carole.

I hope you don't talk to all your customers like that.

Pardon? -"Come back at the weekend."

It's not very welcoming, is it?

I'm sorry, we happen to be closed. There is a sign up.

Yes. I think we're making a bit of a presumption here, aren't we?

Are we?

We're presuming we know why I've come here.

And we haven't actually asked, have we?

Actually we don't particularly care why you've come here.

So I gathered.

That's what's wrong with our service industries today.

We just don't take the time to find out

what the other person wants, do we?

As a matter of fact, I happen to be dealing

with an emergency in my personal life.

I've always thought personal problems should be left

in the bathroom cabinet when we get into work, I don't know about you.

Look, lady, I'm not going to stand here

and be lectured by the likes of you, thank you.

No no, of course.

I'm just a customer and the customer's always wrong.

I wonder what your manager would say if he heard you.

I'll tell you exactly what the manager would say

to anyone as brainless, rude, insensitive, stupid and ignorant as you...

Phillipa!

You've met my intended then, Gordon?

Dear me, losing the children.

That must be a bit of a blow, Gordon.

Is there anything I can do?

I don't think so bruv.

You couldn't try explaining the situation to guests as they arrive.

Right, leave it to me.

I hope you find them.

What?

The children, in the chocolate shop.

Well, obviously.

Morning, sir.

Morning. My wife thinks she may have left two children here earlier today.

Children? -Yes. Have you seen them?

No, I'm afraid not.

Right. Thanks, bye.

Mind you I only came on at 12.

I could have a look in the back.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, two children you say?

Yes.

Could you describe them?

Pardon?

Oh, you know, what they look like.

Twins. Three months old, little white bonnets.

White you say?

I think so.

No, I'm afraid not.

What do you mean?

We have no babies dressed in white bonnets.

Are you sure it was white?

Well, I don't know.

It could have been anything. Blue, yellow?

No, nothing in blue either I'm afraid.

Let me see.

There aren't any babies in there at all.

I never said there were.

I do not believe this.

Would you like me to look upstairs?

What?

If any small children were left here

they'd have been taken upstairs to my wife, I should think.

Would you like me to ask?

Thank you.

So it's two small children dressed in white bonnets,

but it could be, what was it, blue?

Have you any idea how frustrating it is to be kept waiting on something

as vital and urgent as this? -l do, as a matter of fact.

Well, perhaps you do...

My daughter won the national under 14s gymnastic trophy last week.

What?

I wasn't there to watch her, of course.

I'd like to have been, but I was wearing black soled shoes and I wasn't allowed in.

So I went home and changed.

But then I wasn't allowed in because late arrivals aren't admitted.

It's a leisure centre policy.

So I never got to see my only daughter's crowning achievement,

which as you can imagine was something of a disappointment.

You haven't got any babies upstairs, have you?

No.

This whole thing has been a deliberate attempt to waste my time.

Yes.

Annoying, isn't it?

Oh, any luck Mr. Brittas?

I'm afraid not. What about the others?

Nothing definite I'm afraid.

The police have rung, and they've checked the bus station

and all the number 46 buses.

Still no news, Gordon?

Apparently not. How are the guests?

No need to worry there. We've looked after all that,

haven't we Horatio? -Yes.

Right. Suppose I'd better have a word with them.

Down in the hall, are they?

No, no.

We decided as we are already an hour late for the service

that the best thing to do would be to send them home.

We don't want to go wasting other people's time, do we, Gordon?

I mean, who knows what other commitments these people might have?

It's a question of manners as much as anything.

You told my guests to go home?

Phillipa did explain. -They were pretty astonished, of course.

How anyone can lose two babies on a bus is beyond me.

But I gather from Horatio she's always been a bit like that.

We wondered if you'd considered fostering?

What did she say?

Oh, Helen.

I don't think we've met, have we?

Helen, Philippa Belmont.

Has she been telling people I can't look after my own children?

Helen.

Oh dear, you did manage to leave them on a bus.

I suppose you've never left anything on a bus,

Miss. Perfect? -Helen, please.

There's nothing personal about this,

we just have to accept that not all women are suited to parenting.

You cow!

Helen calm down.

She called me a bad mother. Nobody calls me a bad mother.

Mr. Brittas.

Not now, Carole.

I told you we can't afford another lawsuit.

But it's the police, Mr. Brittas.

Linda, into the rest room get her cleaned up, please.

Sorry about this, Horatio.

You stay here, Helen.

Speaking.

Right, I'll ask her.

Was it a 46?

What?

Did you say you caught a 46 bus? -Yes, I did tell them.

Helen, a 46 goes up the Crompton Road to the council estate.

It doesn't go anywhere near the top end of the High Street.

Doesn't it?

You got on at the war memorial, didn't you?

Yes, yes I did.

Naaaa It's not a 46 it's a 64.

Sorry. My wife has realised the mistake. She did in fact take a 64 bus.

Right, I'll hang on.

Perhaps I ought to apologise.

What?

To Phillipa.

I think you've done quite enough for one day.

I feel so awful, Gordon. I want to say something.

All right, but for goodness sake, be tactful about it.

Yes. I'm hanging on for Sergeant Fanshaw.

I know this is an emergency line.

This is an emergency.

Don't you dare.

Hello?

Boys, where did you find them?

What?

Where were they?

Oh, these aren't the children, Mr. Brittas.

Oh, no no no.

It's just that Debenhams had a special offer on duvets, and we thought...

Does anyone realise what is happening here today?

Do you have the faintest idea

what my wife is going through at the moment?

Don't you dare!

I'm warning you, if you...

Helen, out!

I'm not a bad mother.

Into reception.

Well I'm not a... -Into reception!

Stand there next to Carole.

Tim, Gavin, lend a hand.

Over to the chair, please Horatio.

Towels, I think Linda.

Your wife rather lost her temper in there, Gordon.

Well she is under a certain amount of strain at the moment.

All I said...

We know what you said

and it might be wise if you didn't say it again.

I have a little prayer for moments like this.

Let's deal with the practicalities first, shall we bruv?

Get her clothes off, Gavin.

She had no right to call me that.

I agree, Mrs. Brittas.

What does she know about being a good mother?

Exactly. As if we don't know what's best

for our own children. -Can I borrow this for a few moments?

What's she saying now?

She's still worried about an earring, Mr. Brittas.

But I've explained about that.

It's obviously gone down the lavatory.

What do you expect us to do? It's gone!

Perhaps if we all held hands for a moment.

Some other time, bruv.

Let's get her upstairs and disinfected, alright?

Gavin, Jeyes fluid I think.

Yes, Mr. Brittas. -Can you make it that far,

or do you want to be sick again first?

Mr. Brittas!

Don't let her get her legs round your neck,

you'll never get her off!

Mr. Brittas, it's the children!

What?

The children. Mr. and Mrs. Ruscott found them.

Oh, my babies.

Apparently they saw a card in the newsagent's window.

Shh.

Wahey!

Well, all's well that ends well, eh?

Well, it could have been worse.

I suppose Mr. Brittas did get his christenings.

Christenings, how many did we do in the end?

Five, if you include the dummies.

It's all my fault.

You mustn't blame yourself, Colin.

But you did give Mrs. Brittas a bit of a shock.

It's not every day somebody stops your baby crying by pulling

its head off and ripping out the batteries.

I think if anyone's to blame it's that woman The Reverend Brittas brought.

She started it all. -If she hadn't have stayed

she wouldn't have been sick in the font.

No, and we wouldn't have had to move out the sports hall.

And those poor children wouldn't have been christened

in the washbasin in the downstairs lavatory.

It's all on video.

I reckon I've got an entire episode for Jeremy Beadle there.

I'll get us another one of these.

I think there's a few dozen left.

I'll come with you.

Oh, is that the cake, Carole?

What?

Looks rather good, doesn't it?

Oh, do you think so?

Do you think you could pass it around perhaps?

Make sure everyone gets a slice.

Oh yes. Of course.

I wonder if I should go and explain things to Philippa.

I don't think so, Helen.

I don't want her to think I'm always like this.

You still reckon it was the new pills?

I'm sure of it.

Mind you, she had no right to call me a bad mother. Pills or no pills.

She had no right to say that.

Absolutely no right at all. In fact I think I'll just...

Excuse me.

Ah, Mr. Brittas.

I was wondering where I might find my brother.

I think he's looking for your fiancee's earring.

Right.

It's just he's promised he'd find time to talk to me.

I wonder, do you think I should join him?

On your own?

Yes.

I don't think he'd mind that at all.

My word, Carole. What have you put in this?

What?

The cake!

What about it?

Got a real tang, hasn't it?

Want some?

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Thank you.

How's it going? -Well it's not in the U bend.

It must have flushed through to the next section.

I just wondered if you'd had a chance to think about it at all?

What?

What I was talking about earlier.

Whether I should marry Philippa or not.

Oh, that.

You don't like her, do you?

Well... -People don't in general.

That's why I wondered whether marriage was really a good idea.

I think most people would hesitate, bruv.

What no one realises you see, is that's not the whole story.

I know she rubs a lot of people up the wrong way

but it's what's inside that matters.

Isn't it? -Is it?

And inside there's a really caring person.

I know it doesn't always come out,

but she has standards, you see.

She believes things.

She's like you in that respect, Gordon.

She wants perfection.

It's what attracted me to her in the first place.

It's, it's why I love her.

Are you sure about that?

Oh yes.

But should I marry her?

That, as I once heard a wise man say,

is the question.

Julie.

Yeah?

Can I ask you something as a secretary?

Mmm.

Is correcting fluid dangerous at all?

Correcting fluid?

Yes, you know.

If someone accidentally ate it.

Ate it?

Yes.

I think you'd better tell me what happened, Carole.

I think I'll go home, Laura.

Not staying for the karaoke?

No. I think I'll just get an early night.

It's been a long day. If you could just tell Gordon.

Yeah, sure.

See you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

Helen.

Sorry about this, everyone.

Any of you who have had a slice of the christening cake

could you please come down to this end of the hall? Thank you very much.

Knock knock.

Come in, Laura.

Helen asked me to tell you that she's gone home.

Right.

Oh and Carole says did you have any of the cake?

I haven't eaten anything, Laura. Why?

Oh, nothing.

Is everything alright?

Alright?

Does everything seem alright, Laura?

I was really looking forward to today.

It was meant to be a celebration of new life

being accepted into the great world family of sport.

And what do I end up with?

A service being held in a toilet,

half drowned out with the sound of the urinals,

a party with no guests,

and three hours on my hands and knees,

up to my armpits in a soil pipe.

And it's all her fault.

I'm sure Helen didn't mean to leave...

I'm not talking about Helen.

Anyone could have made the mistake she did.

I'm talking about that woman my brother insisted on bringing.

Ah.

You know, Laura, there are some people in this world,

mercifully not too many,

who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people

and just create chaos.

They probably don't mean to.

In fact they're probably trying to help.

But the end result?

Know what I mean?

Yes, I think I do.

And that woman is a typical example.

She's a social equivalent of an uncapped oil well in a Guillemot colony.

And my brother wants to marry her.

Does he?

That's why he came here today, to ask me if I thought it was a good idea.

What did you say?

What could I say, Laura?

The man loves her.

I said I hope they'll be very happy together.

Well isn't he worried about living with someone like that?

Apparently not, Laura.

He thinks she'll change, learn by her mistakes.

I see.

It's another occasion to look forward to, isn't it?

Come on.

We'd better get back down to the party.

Right.

You don't think he might be right?

What?

That people like that can change, you know,

learn not to annoy everyone all the time.

Frankly, no, Laura.

People like that don't change.

They're born like it and they die like it.

The rest of us just have to knuckle down

and learn to live with them.

That's a shame.

It's a tragedy, Laura.

Yes.

Yes, it is rather.