Original subtitles

Whether it's sport, getting fit or just making new friends

there's no better place than your local leisure centre to do it.

Here in Whitbury Newtown,

they've just started Life Cycle Week.

A chance for everyone to get outdoors

and on their bikes.

This is just one of a series of activities

staged throughout the country,

in order to give everyone a chance to get fit,

stay healthy and live longer.

But don't just take my word for it,

find out what's happening.

Go down to your local leisure centre and...

Cut!

Sorry, was that me?

And anyone who completes either of our two cycle routes

during Life Cycle Week, will be entitled to one of these

"pedal for a medal" achievement packs,

inside of which they will find not only the medal itself,

but also a badge,

a signed certificate,

two coloured balloons

and a free blood sugar urine tester.

And also, the leisure centre logo.

What are you supposed to do with that?

It attaches to the rear wheel of your cycle, Tim,

where its cheery colours are guaranteed to brighten

even the dullest of bikes,

as well as being a rather useful safety reflector.

Oh.

I see they've done it with the badges again.

Pardon?

This one says, "I piddled for a medal".

That is "pedalled for a medal", it says, "pedalled for a medal".

No, no. -No.

Yes it does, yes it does.

Let's not have a big debate about it, please.

It just so happens that the start of Life Cycle Week

is not the only reason why today is a very special day for our centre.

I wasn't able to announce it earlier,

due to security reasons, but I can now inform you.

Sebastian Coe's 'ere. -Thank you, Julie!

Seb Coe, really? -Where?

The honourable Sebastian Coe OBE MP, if you please, Gavin,

who is generously giving of his time

to contribute to a film aimed at encouraging people

to use their local leisure centres.

Are we going to get a chance to meet him?

One thing at a time please, Linda.

Once he has finished his filming,

I shall be inviting Sebastian

to open a room in our new sports wing,

to which ceremony, any member of staff free of other duties, shall be invited.

I shall then present him with this,

what I think is a rather attractive engraved tankard,

and then show him round The Centre.

Will he have time for that?

Pardon?

Well he must have a pretty tight schedule,

I just wondered if he'd want a conducted tour.

This is a sports centre, Laura,

how can a man like Seb Coe not want to see round it?

Thank goodness I've found you, Mr Brittas.

What is it, Colin?

He's died, Mr Brittas!

Our cyclist, he's died!

I can't help worrying if we perhaps

we didn't make the course too severe?

What?

Well, 56 miles is a long way for a man of his age,

Mr Brittas, perhaps too long.

He didn't do 56 miles, Colin.

He didn't even make it out of the car park.

Ah, Laura, could you give that to the widow, please?

Strictly speaking, she's not entitled to it

as he didn't complete the full 56 miles,

but I thought it'd be a nice gesture.

What's going on over there?

Oh they, they're packing up, Mr Brittas.

They got everything they wanted round the back.

But they can't go, not yet.

Oi, you!

I say, you're not going yet?

What?

You can't go yet, you haven't done anything.

I'm sorry, I, I don't.

I'm the manager here, Gordon Brittas.

Ah, Mr Brittas.

We've named a room after you, in the sports wing.

What?

Everyone's expecting you to open it.

Well, look, I'm sorry, I really do have to-

We've been planning it for weeks.

We've had a tankard engraved and everything.

I know but look-

I know you're a very busy man,

but all you've gotta do is cut a ribbon, just one ribbon.

It won't take very long.

Two minutes.

Two pounds?! -I'm afraid so.

Oh, I hadn't realised it was so expensive.

Gemma, let's go, come on.

Please, mummy.

Scissors please, Carole.

Oh, of course Mr Brittas.

And if you could get Mr Halroyd's widow to do something about his bicycle.

Just explain that that sort of untidiness

can give the wrong impression, but remember, do it tactfully,

he's only been dead for 25 minutes.

Yes.

Is there a problem?

No, no, it's all right.

I'm afraid she's a little disappointed,

she can't have a swim.

They can't afford it, you see Mr Brittas.

She's a single parent and they haven't any money.

Single parent?

Have you told her about the SSS?

Single Swimmer Special Carole, come on,

it's all down there in black and white.

Right, where are we?

There we go, special offer number 847:

Single Swimmer Special.

"Any single parent accompanied by a child

on a weekday morning, may use the facilities

between 9:40 and 3:35 at one third

of the standard winter season price, or completely free,

if they've moved into the area within the last three months.

We only moved in last week.

Have you got a rent book to prove that?

I have as a matter of fact.

Right.

Right there we are then, simple as ABC. Give them the tickets Carole

and I hope your little boy enjoys his swim.

I'm so sorry, I should have known about that one.

It just, there's so many you see.

Sorry I'm late, Carole.

Ah, Mrs Brittas.

Oh the twins were giving me hell in the car,

and I got held up coming through the playing fields.

Have you any idea what they're doing out there?

I believe they're fighting the second Punic War, Mrs Brittas.

The defeat of Hasdrubal by the Romans at the battle of the Metaurus.

It's the Classical War Society.

Oh, the Classical War Society.

And I thought they were just men

with arrested mental development, who liked dressing up

in silly clothes and drinking Heineken out of cans.

How wrong can one get?

Hmm. -Is he ready yet?

Yes, and I'll just get him for you, Mrs Brittas,

he's been so looking forward to this.

Ben, guess who's here, Ben?

You've told him where we're going, have you?

Yes, of course, he's very excited. He's never seen the sea before.

I'll just get you his carrier.

This is a dog's travel box, Carole.

Yes I know, Mrs Brittas, you see,

Ben's not always very good with wide open spaces,

he needs somewhere that...

Reminds him of living in a cupboard?

Exactly.

Come along Ben, Mrs Brittas is waiting.

Now Ben, Ben you mustn't!

Ben, Ben!

My staff will really appreciate this you know, Sebastian.

Surprisingly enough, a few of them are actually

old enough to remember some of your greatest athletic triumphs,

like the gold medal, Moscow Olympics, 800 metres.

I didn't actually win that one.

No, that was Steve Ovett, wasn't it.

Still, you got your revenge in Los Angeles, didn't you.

No, someone else won that as well, didn't he.

Perhaps we invited the wrong person, eh Sebbie?

Ah, only joking.

Right, so what I would suggest we do is this:

I shall say a few words to break the ice,

then I shall invite you to step forward and cut the ribbon.

It's a toilet.

Pardon?

You named a toilet after me.

That's right, the men's new washroom.

Is there a problem? -No problem.

Right, so when you step forward to cut the ribbon,

you can say a few words, but not too many because my staff have to get back to work

and then I shall invite you to go through into the washroom.

Oi, where do you think you're going?

Oi, come back here!

Well don't just stand there, lend a hand.

That's obviously happened, he's sawn his way out of the back.

Oh, I knew that junior carpentry set was a mistake.

What I don't understand is that ...

oh yes I see what he's done.

What?

Well he's broken his way through the back wall

and up into the ventilation system.

Oh, not again, Mr Brittas will be so furious.

Oh, don't panic, Carole, he can't have got far.

You were supposed to be in charge of him, Tim.

How could you let it happen?

He's very agile, Mr Brittas.

He's eight years old.

All I asked is for you to look after him until the police arrived.

was that too difficult, Timothy Whistler?

Well I shut him in a room, what else was I supposed to do?

We can't chain him up, can we?

Oh can't we?

He's not getting away again.

Colin? -Mr Brittas.

I want you to take that bicycle lock, go downstairs to the weights room,

you'll find a lad in a blue tracksuit.

Gavin, will you and Tim take Mrs Halroyd up to the counselling room?

Oh, we're supposed to be watching Sebastian Coe

open a toilet door. Oh, yes I'm sorry, of course.

Tell Julie to give her a cup of tea will you?

Mrs Halroyd will be upstairs when you're ready, Mr Brittas.

What?

Mrs Halroyd.

The woman whose husband died on the cycle run this morning.

I am rather busy at the moment, Laura.

Mr Brittas, if you remember, you told her that the grieving process might need

the aid of a bereavement specialist,

and that if she wanted the help of a trained counsellor,

she should come back and ask for you.

And she's er, come back?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Right, I'd better deal with it.

Tell the Honourable Coe I might be a bit delayed, Carole.

Yes, Mr Brittas.

You can? -Yeah, listen, listen.

It's his sleepy baby rabbit chimes.

Everything alright?

Oh, fine thanks Laura.

You don't happen to have a plan of the ventilation system, do you?

Not on me, no.

Be right with you, Mrs Halroyd.

Just gonna get a little leaflet I think you might find useful.

Ah Julie, those bereavement leaflets I asked you to find-

There's a centurion downstairs to see yer.

What?

A centurion! You know, 10th legion, fourth cohort, six manacles.

This is no time for jokes, Julie,

I'm trying to counsel a bereaved lady next door.

I'm not joking, he's from the Classical War Society. You know, them people in the park.

Well tell him I'm busy.

I want my son back and I want him now!

Please, come in.

Your son? -My son.

Ah, you mean the lad in the blue tracksuit, don't you?

I'm afraid that will not be possible.

I'm holding your son under citizen's arrest until the police arrive.

You're what?!

For attempting to gain admission to the swimming pool

without paying the requisite fee.

You've arrested 'im?

How much is the fee?

20 pence!

The amount is not important, sir. The fact is, your son is guilty of theft.

He is an eight year old boy.

You can't lock up an eight year old-

I'm afraid I can, where, and I quote, "an arrestable offence has been committed,

any person may arrest without warrant, anyone who is guilty of an offence, or

anyone he has reasonable grounds for suspecting to be guilty of an offence."

Criminal Enforcement Act 1984, section 25. It's for his own good.

Now look, either you give me my son back now

or I'm gonna come back down 'ere...

I warn you,

one touch on this button and three members of my staff,

all highly trained in the martial arts,

will be through that door in seconds.

I will be back.

Bye.

Now, I don't think that was very wise, Mr Brittas.

Just a calculated risk, Julie.

I had a feeling he'd fall for it.

I mean keeping his son.

You arouse some very primitive emotions, when you lock up other people's children.

Julie, if you want to do something useful

you can help me find my leaflet on bereavement.

It's called, "Losing a loved one, 10 ways to look on the bright side."

Mrs Halroyd, sorry about the delay.

Unfortunately, the leaflet got misfiled under sewage.

Now, if you'd like to read it from cover to cover,

and when I come back, I think it might be helpful

if we sing the little song on the back page.

We've miles of pipe, Mrs Brittas, he could be anywhere.

Well, we can narrow it down a little.

I mean look, you see he can't have gone up there, not up a 40 foot vertical

Oh, excuse me.

Yes, how may I help you?

We thought we might try a game of badminton next, if that's all right.

Yes, of course.

Erm, there was a notice in the pool that said

that any child who spoke to four other children they'd never met before,

could claim a friendliness prize from the desk.

Yes.

Well, my daughter Gemma did in fact meet this family and...

Yes, well you see, it's a very complicated form for that one.

Just give her the sunglasses, Carole.

Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Well, here you are Gemma, well done.

Ooh, look sunglasses.

Ooh, aren't they lovely.

Yeah, now here are your ...

Oh my goodness me, look at this.

What?

Well, you're our 1000th customer

and that entitles you both to a free meal in our canteen.

You just have to show the ticket.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Now, I think his most likely route would have been

up this section and then along here.

Now, that would have taken him through behind the squash courts.

Oh, he'll be running around these pipes for days,

Mrs Brittas, what on earth are we gonna do?

We need some kind of way of luring him out, some, some kind of bait.

Will you excuse me?

Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre.

Oh, Mr Brittas.

Code black, why yes, of course, right away.

Carole, I thought a code black meant the erm, "the outbreak of civil disturbance,

in which the leisure centre was used a rallying point

for those still loyal to the crown?

Well yes, technically it does, Mrs Brittas, but we use it mostly when Mr Brittas

has made someone very angry, and we have to keep them out, until the police arrive.

I must warn you that you are in contravention

of local by-law regulation of trespass.

And under my delegated powers as manager,

I'm ordering you to leave leisure centre property immediately.

I repeat, this is an illegal gathering, and must disperse immediately.

The police have been called and will be here any minute.

They won't actually.

What?

The police, I've called them, they're not coming.

What do you mean they're not coming, they've got to.

Well, I'm afraid that's not the way they see it, Mr Brittas.

The desk Sergeant said you could

take the boy down to the station if you wanted,

but he's already warned you, he's not coming out again this week.

Well didn't you explain the situation?

If I try and take a boy through that lot, someone's gonna get hurt.

Yes, I said that.

And what did he say?

His exact words were, "Oops, there goes the kettle,

time for tea," and he hung up.

I don't believe it.

That's the centurion who's causing all the trouble, is it Mr Brittas?

Got your spears, got your swords?

Yes, I think I can take him out easily enough.

No one is gonna take out anyone, Linda.

We're gonna wait here until the situation calms down.

Here comes another lorry load.

He doesn't look old enough, really.

What?

That centurion, he must've had the child

when he was about four years old.

What are you burbling about, Colin?

Well he doesn't look much older than that lad

you told me to lock up, yet you say he's his father.

If you ask me, there's something funny going on.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

You didn't? -Didn't what Mr. Brittas?

This 40 year old man you locked up, Colin,

what exactly did he look like?

Sebastian Coe, Colin, this is Sebastian Coe OBE MP.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.

You said the lad in the blue suit.

Blue tracksuit, Colin, I said blue tracksuit,

and I said inside the weights room.

I thought he might have escaped.

You're dead, Colin.

Look, do you think we can sort the blame for this out afterwards?

Yes, of course, Sebastian.

I've gotta get back, there's a vote later...

Oh yes, the vote of no confidence in the government,

I quite understand, you want to support it, don't you?

Right, Colin, get the chain off.

Yes, Mr Brittas.

May I take this opportunity, Sebastian,

of saying on behalf of the staff how sorry we all are, for any inconvenience cau ...

What is it, Colin?

It's one of those combination locks, Mr Brittas.

Yes, you turn it to the right number.

But unfortunately, it's not my combination lock,

Well whose is it then?

If it's the one you took off the bike in the hall,

I presume it belongs to Mr Halroyd.

Well, can we find this Mr Halroyd, and get the combination?

A bit of a problem there, Sebbie.

Mr Halroyd died earlier this morning.

Don't worry about it, I know someone else who will know.

Excuse me, Sebbie.

Don't go away, Seb.

Okay, all set?

Yes, yes.

Now, I think you and I should wait outside, in case any noise or smell distracts him.

Right, right.

Sorry about the delay, Mrs Halroyd,

one or two little things have cropped up.

Unfortunately, we might have to postpone our little counselling session

a few more minutes, I'm afraid. But I wonder in the meantime, if I could ask you,

if you happen to remember the number of your husband's bicycle combination lock?

Is that a yes, or a maybe?

If I could ask you to have a proper think,

it is actually rather important.

Do you want the bad news or the catastrophe?

Not now, Julie.

I think you'd better leave Mrs Halroyd to me,

you'll want to deal with what's happening out the back.

Out the back?

Good grief, where did they come from?

Two minutes.

They've got an army out there, a whole army.

Not just any army, Mr Brittas,

the finest fighting machine the world has ever seen.

There's 1000s of 'em!

That centurion had a lot of friends.

Guys in black are the ones to watch out for.

The Praetorian Guard, hand-picked, ruthlessly trained.

They've got an elephant!

Where did they get an elephant?

All right, all right, let's not panic.

Does anyone know exactly what they're planning to do?

I believe their usual technique, if we don't surrender, Mr Brittas,

is to put the men to the sword, and take the women and children into slavery.

Colin, if you don't have anything sensible to say...

You don't think this would be a good time to give the boy back, do you Mr Brittas?

No, I do not Gavin. We're not giving in to blackmail.

Could we take a vote on that?

That boy broke the law, Tim.

If he learns he can get away with it once,

he'll do it again and again and again.

And then, who knows where we'll end up.

We've gotta nip these things in the bud.

It doesn't look much like a bud from here, Mr Brittas,

not when one side's got an elephant.

They're just trying to scare us, Gavin.

Well it's working with me.

All right Timothy, get a grip on it will you?

Right now, you keep an eye on things here, I'll go and phone the police.

What if they attack while you're gone?

They're not gonna attack, Colin,

this is a British leisure centre, they wouldn't dare.

Can't you see they're just bluffing?

Call the police!

Colin, we're gonna need some help.

Get some ammunition, quickly.

They're after us again.

Look, I keep telling you, I'm being attacked by Romans!

Well I don't know what sort of Romans they are.

It's mostly the tenth legion, and some pantheon mercenaries, Mr Brittas.

Apparently it's mainly the tenth legion

and some pantheon mercenaries.

Tim, what are you doing?

Well they've brought up a battering ram to the main doors, Mr Brittas,

We thought this might scare them away.

Okay, Gavin.

Look can I ask how long you've been in the police force?

Well pass on the call to someone with more than three weeks' seniority.

What's that!?

It's the Carthaginians with a battering ram, Mr Brittas.

I don't think I can stop them,

My ammunition's low.

Hello, hello?

If you don't get down here P.D.Q.,

someone's gonna get seriously hurt.

They've lit a fire now!

Look out Mr. Brittas, they've got scaling ladders.

I don't think we can hold out much longer, Mr Brittas.

You think so, do you?

Well it sounds even more serious from where I am.

They've brought the siege catapult round now, Mr Brittas.

What?

The ballista, they're swivelling it around in this direction!

You heard that, did you?

Well I dunno, but I should imagine they're planning on throwing something at us.

Presumably something rather heavy.

And in this case, it appears to be the engine block of a Morris Marina.

Why?

Why, Laura?

Well...

Why does it always seem to end like this?

Well ...

You know, today was gonna be such a good day.

I woke up this morning and my heart filled with thoughts

of all the joyous, wonderful things we were gonna give to people,

when they came through those doors, and now ...

Now we haven't got any doors.

I gather you gave him the boy in the end.

Yes. I'm sorry, it seemed the only way.

No, you probably did the right thing Laura.

But do you know, the police haven't even charged anyone for all this.

Hundreds of pounds worth of damage,

breaking and entering,

the forcible abduction of a child in custody,

and no one's even been charged.

Can you believe that?

Well, it was very difficult to tell who actually did the damage, Mr Brittas.

I mean, they were all wearing those helmets.

They had their cohort numbers covered up,

and we don't even know legion the battering ram came from.

Yeah, so the poor old tax payer has to cough up yet again.

It's not right, Laura, it's just not right.

You know, sometimes it makes you wonder if it's worth carrying on.

I'll get a broom.

I've got it!

What is it, Julie?

The number, she finally remembered.

It's the date of the Great Reform Act with a nought on the end.

One thing at a time please, Julie. Who remembered what?

Mrs Halroyd, the bicycle combination lock,

it's 1832 with a nought.

You'd forgotten he was still down there, hadn't yer.

Tim, Gavin, follow me!

Wait, I'll get a camera.

Oh, Mrs Brittas,

I don't know what I would've done without you.

That's all right, Carole,

It went rather well in the end, didn't it?

Yes, it did rather.

Huh, I'll put him back now, shall I?

Yes, if you would.

Oh, you might like to use these.

Just, he can give a rather a nasty little nip, you know,

Yes.

Yes, well perhaps if I just put the box up against the cupboard and lift the blockade,

he could run in on his own, eh?

There he goes.

Oh good, oh it's all right, darling, mummy's here.

He'll be all right when he's had a little sleep.

Sebbie? I'm sorry it's taken so long,

but you'll be pleased to know, we have actually got the combination,

and whoa, it took a bit of tracking down.

It's not easy to get a lady whose husband's just died

to remember a five figure number, I can tell you.

Anyway, it's The Great Reform Act, with a nought on the end.

So, if you could just undo the lock, for me now, please Sebbie.

It's just, if you did undo it now, I can have my stair-rail back.

Or alternatively, you could send it to me, in your own time, at your own convenience.

Anyway, it just remains for me to,

to thank you on behalf of the staff, for your visit to Whitbury today,

and to present you with this tankard that's been specially engraved,

to mark the occasion.

Come in.

Excuse me?

Yes?

We're looking for the manager.

I am rather busy at the moment.

If you have any complaints, could you leave them in writing with my secretary?

Oh, we didn't want to complain.

No?

We just wanted to say thank you.

What?

For one of the nicest days that we've ever had.

Really?

We have played games, had lunch, had a sauna.

We've met all sorts of new people, haven't we Gemma?

Yes.

Well, I'm glad you've enjoyed yourselves.

I'm a single mother, Mr Brittas,

we've just moved into this area.

We don't know anyone.

We certainly don't have a lot of money

and to come here and find that someone has actually thought about people like us,

worked out special offers so that

we can afford to come here, give little prizes to children

to encourage them to make friends.

Well, it, it makes a lot of difference, doesn't it, Gemma?

Thank you.

It's only a bunch of flowers. You probably get things like this all the time.

No, no not all the time.

Thank you both very much, indeed.

Well, we mustn't keep you.

It said in your brochure that your main aim at this centre

is to bring people together.

That must be very satisfying.

Yes, yes it is rather.