Original subtitles

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. How may I help you?

My name is Mr. Didcott and I'm seventy-two years old.

I was wondering what a place like this has to offer someone of my age / ability?

Well... -What I do require is some activity

that will at the same time as give my body valuable exercise,

will bring me into contact with other people in the community

and help me be something more than just an isolated Social Services statistic.

Well, I'm not sure we've got anything like that.

Oh...oh. "Slim Trim". That sounds interesting.

Yes, that's for younger people really, housewives, you know?

Are you saying just because I'm elderly I would not be welcome?

No, of course I'm not saying that, I just thought...You want to join...

Morning, Carole. -Oh, hello Mr, Johnson,

you're a bit late today... -Held up in the traffic.

One ticket for the bowls court, please.

I think you'll find the young lady was attending to me first, young man.

Oh sorry, you don't mind if I nip ahead, do you?

"It's just that I'm meeting friends.

I'll be as fast as I can, but you must understand that being elderly

I do appreciate patience and understanding from those around me.

Oh. Right!

How much will a session at this "Slim Trim" cost me then?

Twenty-five pence.

Oh...twenty-five pence. That's five shillings, isn't it?

I remember when five shillings... -Just pay her the money, can't you?

Oh, oh, I will take a ticket young lady,

although five shillings is a lot to someone like me on a fixed pension.

Now where's me purse? -Oh, God!

I'll be as fast as I can young man, but you must remember that

an elderly person's fingers aren't as nimble as they used to be.

Oh....oh...look what I've done now.

I don't believe it. -I'm seventy-two years old, you know?

I'm not likely to forget it, am I? Can I have my ticket, love?

I'm afraid she's still in the middle of a transaction.

She's only allowed to conduct one operation at a time on the till.

I know someone else who's gonna need an operation in a minute!

Come on love, give us the ticket!

But she's not allowed to! -Don't you push me!

Hello, staffroom? -You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Get your hands off me!

Can someone in the staffroom please come to reception?

Get your hands off me!

You'll pay for that damage!

You're going to make me? -I might just!

Now don't you shake me around? -I'll shake whatever I like!

Will someone please come to reception, thank you!

That was my glasses! -What?

Argh!

Now you've trodden on them! Right!

Will somebody please come to reception! Anybody to reception!

Right, come one, cut that out! You can't behave like that in here.

He broke my glasses!

It were an accident! It was 'im first!

He started it! -What is going on here?

He started it! He was trying to jump the queue.

Is this true? -I was in a hurry!

I've got a match to play! -Queue jumping?

You're lucky Mr. Brittas isn't here!

Alright, I think we can sort this out somewhere else, shall we? Tim, Gavin,

would you like to take Mr. Johnson to the cafeteria and see if he's alright?

Colin, there seems to be money all over the floor.

perhaps you could look at that?

Right. Now, and you are?

Mr. Derek Didcott.

Well, Mr. Didcott, shall we go up to Mr. Brittas' office and have a talk?

Alright?

Would you mind telling me what's going on?

I don't quite follow...

I just wondered, Mr. Brittas, why you told everyone you were off sick today

and then come in, covered in latex calling yourself Mr. Derek Didcott?

How did you know it was me?

Some sixth sense. Mr. Brittas, what's all this about?

If you must know Laura, I've been exploring attitudes to the aged.

I wanted to find out for myself what it was like to be old and infirm.

And I can tell you, it's a lot worse than I thought it was.

Well, I'm not surprised if you go around picking fights in Reception.

Laura, help the elderly week starts on Monday.

I've spent the best part of a month trying to work out the special needs

of a neglected section of our society.

The least I could expect, I would have thought,

is some support from my staff.

Ah, there you are, Mr. Didcott!

Guess what I've got for you? But it's not working is it?

Do you know why? Because somebody forgot to put the batteries in!

Don't you worry, I'll fix it and I'll bring it straight up. Alright?

I'll be slipping home half an hour early if that's alright, Laura?

More trouble with the infection is it, Colin?

No no, that's fine. But don't tell Mr. Brittas, eh?

Actually, I have to get a dream interpreted.

A dream? -Last night, it was very upsetting.

I was this eagle, you see,

but instead of soaring aloft in the clouds with the other eagles,

I was stuck on the ground because I had this mange under my feathers.

I just wanna find out what it means.

I think you should get it sorted, Colin. -Right.

Ah! Catch you later, old timer! -You certainly will!

So, er, you're off down to "Slim Trim" are you, Mr. Brittas?

There's not much point now, is there, as everyone seems to know who I am.

Colin didn't recognise you.

Hardly reassuring from a man who's just dreamt he's an eagle with mange.

Yes, well...

Dreams! I don't know how anyone believes that load of old poppycock.

I've had the same dream for the last seven nights running.

It doesn't mean a thing. It's simply the pressure of work.

What was it? -What?

The dream. I just wondered what it was. -Nothing.

If you must know. I was at a bus stop.

Yes?

In the clouds...very significant!

A number 65 bus stop in the clouds. Huh!

So what happened?

I can't really remember. I'm carrying something, a knapsack.

And it's got something very precious inside.

A ball, a ball of light, if you please.

And I've been carrying it for a long time and I'm really tired.

It seems like I've been walking forever

and I've gotta lie down and rest, but first,

I've gotta pass it on, this ball of light.

It's very important that I give it to someone else, so they can carry it on.

But there isn't anyone. -And should there be?

Everyone's watching me and the ball is getting heavier and heavier

but nobody will help me. Nobody will take the ball.

I see.

I suppose you gonna say that means something.

I think it might.

You mean like symbols? All that sort of stuff?

Well, I'd say that all this thinking about old people

has suddenly made you aware of your own mortality.

Can we have that in English please, Laura?

I think you're worried about what's going to happen to the Centre

when you retire. You get to 65, the bus stop, and you want your ideal,

the things you believe in, the ball of light, to continue into the future.

You want someone to take over, to carry on.

But there isn't anyone! -No!

'cause no-one'll do it! -Quite.

I could be wrong of course, but that's what it seemed to me...possibly.

Morning, Carole.

Oh hello Mrs. Brittas. How are you feeling today?

Two weeks to go. Think I'm definitely pregnant!

Still, it'll be worth it, won't it? -Yes, I suppose so. How are yours doing?

Oh very well, thank you.

Ben's off playing in the equipment cupboard today.

And little Tom is -- asleep at the moment.

Emily...ooh! Needs a little bit of a nappy change, if you'll excuse me.

Yes, of course. -Hi, Helen!

Oh Laura, just the person. I want you to drive me to hospital.

Now? -No, no,

I've got my transcendental meditation class now.

No, it's just when the balloon goes up...or down,

I'd like you to be the one who took me to hospital.

Not Mr. Brittas? -I'd rather it was you.

You see, I don't want it to be like it was when Carole had her twins.

That wasn't anything he did.

Maybe not. But she still wound up in the sauna being delivered by a vet.

I'd rather not risk it. If Gordon drives me

I'll probably end up giving birth outside Marks & Spencer

with half of Whitbury looking on.

I'll be very happy to take you. -Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll tell him right away. Is he upstairs?

Yes, wearing a bald wig and calling himself Mr. Didcott.

You didn't know? -No.

I think I'll do the meditation class first.

So, what's he doing it for?

He's worried that old people aren't coming in to the centre.

He got this chart in his office showing how 20 and 30 year olds

all play squash and go weight-lifting...

But there's nobody over 70 in the trampoline club?

That's it, Tim. And he wants to know why.

Well, I wish he wasn't coming to my "Slim Trim" class...

You'll just have to treat him like everybody else.

Yeah, put him in a pink leotard and help him firm up his bust!

He's serious about this one you know, Julie.

I've heard he's put lead weights in his trousers

to make him walk more like an old man. He could have a heart-attack.

You needn't worry. -What?

He's given up the whole idea. He's had a dream.

Oh, not another one? -No, this is a dream dream.

You know, wake up in a cold sweat, that kind of thing.

He has something precious he wants to pass on.

He's already passed it to Carole and his wife, isn't that enough?

He's a worried man, Julie.

About what's gonna happen when he's too old to manage the Centre.

Dancing in the streets I would have thought...

He's looking for someone to take it over. In fact,

I'd say we'll all be getting questionnaires about it, ooh...

ooh sometime in the next half hour.

Oh, that's what they are! Sorry, that's why I came down.

Right, there's one for everybody... apart from you, Laura.

Oh?

Yeah, he said it wasn't worth giving you one.

I'm not to tell you, but you're too old and you have an attitude problem.

Oh right...so what am I missing?

Would you like to take part in working towards an ideal which will

one day play a major part in promoting world harmony and peace?"

"Would you be prepared to give a wholehearted and full-time commitment

helping others find their place in the community through the medium of sport?"

Not really.

No!

"Would you-like to discuss any of the ideas in this questionnaire outside

office hours in an informal atmosphere. Possibly over a cup of coffee?"

No!

He's not gonna find this one easy.... -(JULIE/TIM/GAVIN) -No!

Oh Gordon, there you are.

Gordon?

Sorry my darling, rather lost in my own thoughts there.

Nothing wrong is there? -No, no, not wrong exactly.

Good 'cause I wanted to ask you something.

It's just I've been thinking about old age.

Have you?

Do you realise that forty three years

is the all the average man gets for his working life?

I've had thirteen of mine already!

Yes. I don't think you need to worry about that just yet...

There's so much to do my darling, and we can't do it in one lifetime.

I need someone to carry on the light, but who?

Where will I find someone like me?

I don't think you will, Gordon.

But I have to, don't I?

Gordon, I want Laura to drive me to the hospital.

What? -Not now, when the babies come.

She lives just round the corner. All I have to do is give her a call,

she'll pick me up and you don't have to bother at all.

But why would it be a bother, my darling?

Well, it would. You'll be busy. You've got all sorts of things...

But I still think... -I want it to be Laura!

There's something worrying you, isn't there?

I'll tell you what's worrying me, Gordon.

I want my children delivered in a hospital bed.

I want doctors and nurses and I want one of those curtains

that pulls round the bed. -Of course you do!

I don't want my babies hauled out by a vet, so I want Laura to take me.

Alright, my darling. Alright. Let Laura take you.

Really? -Of course, my darling.

If it gonna make you feel more relaxed, that's fine.

Oh, that's wonderful, Gordon...oh, thank you!

Oh... oh!

I feel so much better! Feels like a whole weight's been lifted from me!

Ah, would that all problems could be solved so easily!

Others I fear are slightly knottier.

Like, who am I going to get to continue my mission?

The person I need has to be young, keen and eager to learn.

I've filled in your form, Mr. Brittas.

Linda! I have something very precious to pass on to you!

I've done my best, Mr. Johnson but I think you're going to need a new pair.

Well, don't you worry,

it's not as if I have to drive very far.

You're driving? -Just into town.

Here's the insurance form, if you'd like to take it home and fill it in?

Thank you. You know, I feel terrible about all this.

I've never done anything like that in my life. I don't know why I hit him.

It's not as difficult as you'd think.

I just didn't realise what he was trying to do.

It was such a thoughtful idea.

Oh yes. Our Mr. Brittas is a very thoughtful man.

Well, it's taught me something, I can tell you.

Has it? -Yes.

Next time I'm in a hurry and I get impatient with an elderly person,

I'm going to remember your Mr. Brittas. -Oh good.

I'm gonna remember that in all our dealings with others,

patience, courtesy and consideration are the things that really matter.

Thank you, goodbye. -Have a nice day.

Ah, Laura. -Mr. B.

I wondered could have a quick word with young Linda for me, please?

Of course, anything in particular?

I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard.

I need to get my clothes out. -Can't you ask her?

I have several times, but she refuses to come out.

Don't ask me why she's in there, I've got no idea.

I was simply explaining the light-bulb dream.

Hold him there, Laura. I've got his hearing aid.

I've got your hearing aid, Mr. Didcott!

Now, don't you worry, you'll hear a lot better once you've got this back in.

Now, I've changed the batteries, but when I tried this in my ear...

That's been in your ear? -Yes, but it kept on sliding out.

I don't know if it's a design fault or my own natural oils and juices.

But er...I've added this, and this should hold it on really well.

Don't worry, didn't cost a penny!

It's just a bit of elastic out of' me underpants! Are you ready?

Just get it away from my face, please, Colin

We're not going to be difficult are we, Mr. Didcott?

Colin, am I not Mr. Didcott. Look, it's me!

See? It's me! Look!

Mr. Brittas!

I'm so sorry, Mr. Brittas.

It's just that when you said you had something precious to pass on to me...

He meant he wanted to talk to you about the future, Linda.

Yes, I see that now.

Mr. Brittas thinks you might be right for a special sort of promotion.

Really? -Sorry to interrupt Gordon, I just...

Rather busy at the moment darling, I'm afraid.

Yes, I just wondered if...

In the middle of a very important meeting.

Yes...yes of course.

Promotion, Mr. Brittas?

Yes, Linda. You see when you gave me that form earlier on, I read it

and I realised that you might have the special qualities I'm looking for.

Mr. Brittas has had a dream. -I know all about the dream, Laura.

The dream that one day, the peoples of the world...

Not that one, Linda.

It was Laura I wanted to talk to really.

Me? -Yes, if I could just have a quick...

She's in the meeting as well, darling. Should be out in about half an hour.

Yes, yes I'm sorry.

Now Linda, what we need to know is, are you the sort of person

who has ambition, a sense of purpose...do you wanna go places?

Oh I do, Mr. Brittas! -Excellent!

I want to go to Oregon!

Oregon? -With my brother.

We want to start up a gun shop. -A gun shop?

Well, the laws are much more relaxed over there, you see.

You mean.to say you're planning to leave the Centre?

Oh yes, one day. Well, obviously I don't want to work here all my life.

I mean, there's a whole world out there!

Mr. Brittas? I just wanted to apologise for fainting on you like that.

Alright, Colin, -It was the disguise, so convincing!

And when you pulled off that wig, I mean...

I thought you might like to know...

The only thing I want to know Colin, is that you're leaving my office now.

Oh, right.

Colin... -I know you don't want to know,

but she's still there. -Who?

Your wife.

I think she's she's gone into labour.

Meeting postponed! Let's go! Right, mobile...

(CRIES OF PAIN)

Everything's going to be alright. My darling, Colin, open the car.

That's it, take it easy.

Right, let's go, go, go!

(ALL) Bye, Mrs. Brittas.

Gordon, what are you doing?

It's alright, my love...

Argh, argh! -Take it easy, my darling.

(CRIES OF PAIN) Nearly there, my darling.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Why have we stopped? -Pedestrian crossing, my sweet.

(CRASH)

I do not believe it!

What are you doing?

Someone's driven into the back of us, my darling.

But you're driving me to hospital!

We've been involved in a road traffic accident on the Queen's highway.

The law requires that we at least exchange names and insurance companies.

Shan't be a minute. -Oh god...

Sorry about that.

It's these glasses, you see...Mr. Brittas?

I might have known! -It's you, isn't it?

I'm so glad to have this chance to apologise.

You what?

The girl at the Centre explained why you were disguised today.

How you were just trying to improve the lot of old people.

Mr. Johnson...

It was such a wonderful thing to do. And all I could do was shout at you.

I feel so ashamed.

Mr. Johnson, I'm trying to get a pregnant women to the hospital.

Can I see your insurance certificate, please?

Oh goodness yes, of course.

(CAR HORNS)

Alright, alright, I'm dealing with it as fast as I can!

What's the problem? -I think I might have left it at home.

Perhaps if I gave you my phone number?

Look, I'm gonna pull in just up there. I want you to follow me, understand?

Yes, right.

Shouldn't let people his age out on the road.

Sorry, my love. -Argh, ouch.

Belt up! -Oh Gordon...

Gordon! You've stopped again!

Two minutes, my love. Slightly more complicated than I thought.

But if you could...oh...oh god...

What are you doing? -What?

You can't just leave it in the middle of the road.

That's why I left a space for you behind.

I know. It's just I find reversing rather difficult these days.

I was wondering if you could park it for me?

You what?

I had a bad experience with a pram recently and it's left me a bit er...

Yes, yes alright, gimme the keys.

What do you think you're doing? You can't park there!

Oi! I'm talking to you!

Don't just walk away when I'm talking...

Don't you just walk away when I'm talking to you! Come back here!

Come back here at once! What a Charlie!

Coming, my love. Right, I want your name, address, license and phone numbers.

There's a bit of -paper, there's a pen, there's your right hand.

Now start writing. -Yes, of course.

I'm sorry, I hadn't realised your wife was er...

Just write! -Yes...write.

He's just filling in the details now. How are you feeling?

So, you still think it's the real thing, do you?

Right, well, don't forget about your breathing.

Gordon, you've got to get me to the hospital!

Yes my darling, as soon as... -Now, Gordon!

You have to get me there now!

I will as soon as... -Gordon!

Just move the car, please!

I thought you wanted me to...

No, forget it, don't do anything, just move the car.

That's very kind of you. Would you like what I've done so far?

No, tear it up! No, don't even tear it up.

Just don't do anything apart from move the car!

Right.

What is it now? -Your pen.

Just please, please, please move the car.

Right.

Sorry to have held you up, Mrs. Brittas.

Where's he gone now? -Gordon! Oh...god!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I've dropped the keys. -You what?

I flapped and I suppose they just slipped out of my fingers.

Right, forget the keys. -What?

Just get in the car and let the brake off.

I can't.

Look, I can't go forwards, I can't go backwards,

I've gotta get to the hospital.

So if you'll just get in the car and let the brake off

I'll push you out of the way.

But I can't. -Just do it! Don't argue.

Can't what?

I can't get in the car. It's locked and the keys are down there.

You locked it?

It's habit, for security. You read these terrible things in the papers.

Fortunately I've got a spare set at home. -Where's home?

Plymouth.

Right my love, we're gonna take a taxi. Just step this way...

Laura? Oh Laura, please come quickly! It's just like I said.

He's got us stuck in the middle of the high street and I can't, argh!

Hello, Laura. Yes it's me. Yes, she is a bit.

In the high street, yes. Would you? That would be excellent!

She's stuck, isn't she? -What?

Your wife. Just as well you've got a sunroof.

The roof! Of course, the roof!

My darling, would you mind turning that little handle for me, please?

Come on, don't just stand there. This is an emergency!

We'll soon have you out of there, my darling.

Right, we each grab an armpit and drag her out.

Could I just mention I've recently had a by-pass operation?

Just listen and do what you're told!

Alright my darling, like to hold up your arms, please?

Gordon, I won't fit! -Of course you will, my love.

Try holding your breath.

I knew this would happen! -It's going to be alright.

I just wanted a hospital bed, with doctors and nurses.

And you'll get them my darling, I promise you.

Want to help St, Bardof's?

What? -Do you wanna give us some money?

Do I look as if I wanna give you some money?

Help the hospital! Help St, Bardof's!

Where? -The hospital, it's rag week.

You're nurses?

Medical students. -Doctors? Even better!

Well, we're not qualified yet... -It's my wife.

She's having twins, here in my car. Do you wanna take a look?

Twins? Phil, over here!

Look who's come to help, my darling!

They're doctors! Wasn't that lucky?

(SCREAMS OF PAIN)

Be careful with my little lady, please.

(CRIES OF PAIN)

Easy does it, easy does it. Everything's gonna be alright darling.

Everything's gonna be alright. Mind the dress!

There...there.

In many ways of course, Laura, it's an ideal place.

I'm sorry?

To have a baby. I mean, everything's at hand, isn't it?

Not quite with you.

Well, towels and sheets from Marks and Spencer, hot water from the pub,

drugs and stuff from Boots... -Yes...

The weather helps of course.

Even the manager of Smith's came out with a book of family medicine.

Yes...they took it too, didn't they?

Everyone's been so supportive, Laura.

I've rung the hospital again, Mr. Brittas. -Right.

They've called an emergency ambulance from the army camp.

They should be here any minute.

Look at all these presents!

And so many people waiting to visit.

I just hope she's up to it! Ha!

Two boys! Mother and children doing fine!

That's it, Laura! -Congratulations, Mr. Brittas!

Children! Children, Laura! That's it!

Children, children, children...

It's alright, I've found someone!