Original subtitles

Buy a sponge, sir?

Pardon me? -You could throw it at Tim here.

He doesn't want to, Gavin.

We're raising money for a new trampoline.

If we have two trampolines we can offer synchronised trampolining!

You want money?

Oh! Thanks very much!

So, how many sponges do I get? -For a pound?

You get a hundred for a pound! -Great, great.

Perhaps you could help me out with something?

Sure.

Morning, Carole. -Morning, Laura. Happy birthday to you!

Thank you.

What's this then?

Oh, it's nothing. It's just -- my book.

Really?

Yes, I'm rather pleased. That was the last page.

You never said you were writing a book. You've written all this?

Yes, I just had an idea one day and it seemed to flow out of me.

"Mistress of Kinvara."

It's probably no good, I thought I'd ask Mr. Brittas for his opinion.

Ah, you won't get a great deal out of him today, I'm afraid.

No? -No, he is on a sponsored silence,

for the fundraising. -Goodness, he has such clever ideas!

Actually, it was Julie's idea. He's promised not to speak for eight hours.

Eight hours? How on earth will he do all his managing?

Do you know, it hasn't made as much difference as you'd have thought.

Morning, Mr. B.

Oh, good morning, How can I help you?

Oh, oh! Mr. Brittas, I'm so excited. I've just finished writing a book

and I was wondering if you could have a look at it for me?

Yes, yes of course I didn't mean now. Whenever you have a spare moment...

I value your opinion, you see.

Oh, Mr. Brittas. Thank you so much! You're so kind, thank you.

You will take care of it, won't you?

Because it's the only copy I've got...thank you.

Getting back to Laura for a moment. Is she seeing anyone these days?

Oh no, she's not. -Right.

And...she's in there now? -On pool duty, I think.

Come to wish her happy birthday have you?

It's her birthday? Today?

That's right! -I had no idea.

If it's all the same to you,

I think I'll pass on the other sixty-four.

Thanks, if you'll excuse me?

Okay, great. -(GAVIN) What a really nice guy!

Ow! What was that for?

Oh Gordon, thank goodness you're here. We've got to talk.

Oh God!

Look Gordon, could you put those things away? This is serious!

Now listen, if anyone asks, I want you to say I've that been here all morning.

Look, it's perfectly simple. If anyone asks, I've been here since 9 o'clock...

that I've never been out of your sight, alright?

Just if anyone happens to ask.

Well, like anybody...

people, the police...

Well, not necessarily the police. Just if they ask or happen to call round.

Nothing's happened, I just want you to help.

You're always saying you'll do anything for me and then I come round

and ask you to do something very simple and you start asking

all these questions and making all this fuss...

Hello? You want to speak to Mrs. Brittas?

Well, I'm afraid she's not here.

Well, she is here, I just meant she isn't in the office at the moment.

She's been in the building since nine o'clock this morning

as her husband will tell you.

I'm afraid he's on a sponsored silence. It's a very, very bad line...

I'm sorry, goodbye.

Mr. Brittas. Mr. Brittas. You've got to help!

My balls are on fire!

It's all my fault, Mr. Brittas, I was throwing them higher than I intended.

For the sponsored juggle...

Now one of them is stuck, Mr. Brittas, on a high-tension cable.

My worry is that they'll short circuit and all the lights will go out.

Well said, Mr. Brittas! I knew I could depend on you!

Gordon you won't forget, will you?

It's not just failing my attempt to break the record.

It's making things so inconvenient for you.

The trouble is, they're made of metallic paper strips you see.

The idea was to catch the light, make a bit of a strobe.

Sorry Mr. Brittas, you were saying?

Ah, now that was the obvious next course of action, Mr. Brittas.

But the thing that's been puzzling me is, how?

Ah, I did think of that. But the trouble is you see, if that wire is

still live, it could be very, very dangerous.

Okay, Mr. Brittas...

You see, I have been told that

it is lethal to touch overhead power cables, but you know best, Mr. Brittas.

Right, Mr. Brittas.

What are you reading? -I dunno, I found it on Brittas' desk.

I think it's a manuscript for a novel.

Really? What's it called?

I dunno, the first three pages are missing.

But, it's about this woman who gets a job as a receptionist

and tries to work her way up.

Ha ha, it's quite clever, isn't it?

You should read it properly from the beginning.

No, no, no, I've got to get back...

Where did you say it started?

Here you are, Ben.

Carole?

Oh yes Mrs. Brittas. how may I help you?

Carole, I have to look different.

I'm sorry? -I want to look different.

I'm wearing blue and green and I want to wear something

something red or yellow. Red would be good.

Yes...I don't think I've got anything...

Or a hat! A hat would do. Or dark glasses. Anything, anything really!

You could always try the hair.

Who are you? -I'm sorry I startled you.

I'm Michael T. Farrell III.

I couldn't help overhearing that you wanted to look different

and believe me, the hair's the thing.

What do you mean?

Well, if you were to untie that bow and let your hair come forward.

Can I? -Yes.

There, see, it's quite different. -Is it?

Yes, and if I may say so, it's very attractive.

Oh, thank you!

There may be a red dress in the staff-room, Mrs. Brittas.

Mrs. Brittas? -What?

Is that still the colour you wanted? -Oh yes, yes thank you.

Thank you so much!

She is pregnant, you see.

Welcome to Whitbury Leisure Centre! How may I help you, Mr. Farrell Ill?

A ticket for the swimming pool, please.

I'm afraid the swimming pool's unavailable.

It's being used for a sponsored swim until two o'clock.

OK, how do I become a sponsored swimmer?

The forms had to be filled in three weeks ago, Mr. Brittas is very strict

about that kind of thing. -Can I get anywhere near the pool?

Well, you could watch from the gallery, on a spectator's ticket.

That means you can wander around and see if there's anything else you'd like to do.

Wander around? Sounds perfect!

Thanks. -No...

Oh! Hi!

I'm looking for a friend, Laura? I think she's the deputy manager here?

"Do you have any form of..."

You have some sort of speech problem or something?

Oh, for the second trampoline?

You're the manager?

Look, I just wanna talk to Laura and I've come a long...

Oh come on.

I've travelled three thousand miles!

"If you don't leave, I shall have to call the police."

Okay, you call the police and I'll wait here.

Ooh, those are harsh words indeed! Yes!

Oh, really? Well, here's something you can do, buddy.

How dare you use language like that in my...!

You didn't want to say that, did you? -Right, that's it!

Get out of my centre!

And now you lose your sponsorship money.

Are you gonna leave or do I have to use force?

No, I'm going, I just thought maybe we could help each other, that's all.

What?

Look, I'm the only one that's heard you speak

and if I don't say anything, then er...no-one will know.

So how about you let me in to see Laura and then we're both happy?

Are you suggesting I pretend I haven't spoken when I have?

It's the only way you'll get your money.

Huh! What sort of moral code do you think we have over here, eh?

Now look, I was just trying to er...

Get out now! Come on. Hop it! Move it, buddy!

Come on, away you go. Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!

Carole, this gentleman is leaving.

And if he tries to get back in, I want you to call the police, understood?

Yes, Mr. Brittas. Mr. Brittas, you spoke!

I am aware of that, Carole.

Psst, Gordon! -Who are you?

It's me, Helen! -Helen?

Gordon, they saw me! They know my name!

Helen, what are you talking about? -That's why they rang up.

They must have traced me through the car! They know who I am...

Alright, alright, calm down! You'd better come up to the office with me.

Carole...

Mr. Farrell, I'm afraid... -I wonder if you could help me?

I'm sorry, but Mr. Brittas did say...

I know what he said, I just want to give you some money.

Money? -For the fund. For this trampoline thing.

How much exactly is a new one gonna cost?

Well, our target is £2,500 and we're sort of, there.

So you need what, £2,495 to make it up, yeah?

Oh I think I can do that.

Of course some of it may have to be in dollars.

You'll never guess what's happened to me.

You alright, Colin? -I'm fine. In fact I'm very fine!

Good!

You remember I've been a bit bunged up over the last few days?

Well, I'm not any more! -Ooh, that's nice.

Rather an aggressive therapy but it's certainly very effective!

Must be something to do with making the intestinal muscles contract.

It certainly sorted me out!

Maybe I should do it on a regular basis.

Oh no! -Is something the matter?

Have you got to the bit about the mother? -They can't do it to her!

What you reading? -It's a story.

Julie found it.

It's brilliant, Colin! I've never read anything like it.

Really?

Ooh! My word...I say! It's a bit...

Is that the bit where they're making love on top of the bus?

Yes...so many of them!

Shoplifting?

That's what they think.

You? They accused you of shoplifting?!

How dare they! -Gordon, what are you doing?

I'm gonna to demand an apology.

No department store accuses my wife of shoplifting and gets away with it.

What do they think you took? -A wedding dress...

A wedding dress? That's ridiculous! What would you need a wedding dress for?

A pair of gloves...a handbag...

a purse, some shoes...

Well, how could you? Where would you put it all?

I'm sorry, Gordon. -Oh my god!

This is a size eight! -Yes..

This is a. -Yes..

You haven't been a size eight since you were fourteen!

How did you think you were going to fit in it?

Oh Gordon, you've got to help me!

I don't know what to do!

What's gonna happen to the children? -What?

I can't go to prison! You mustn't let them send me to prison!

It's alright my darling, no-one's gonna send you to prison.

Yes they are! -No they're not!

Look, even if you did take the stuff, no-one goes to prison for a first offence.

Oh, Gordon... -You mean you've done this before?

What? -(MUFFLED SOBS)

More than once before? How many times for god's sake?

It was a long time ago. It was before I met you...

How many times?

Well, I'm not sure how many actual convictions there were.

Well, make a guess!

It was something like...seven. -Seven?

Or nine... -I don't believe it!

It's just when I'm pregnant, I don't know what happens, I just want to...

If you wanted a new pair of shoes, why didn't you tell me?

I could have found some a lot cheaper than this, too.

Gordon, you've got to help me, I can't...

Hang on, I'm trying to think what the best thing to do is.

I've told you what to do. You just have to say that I was here.

Look, obviously the first thing to do is take this lot back to the store.

You can't!

We have to, my darling. These things don't belong to us.

But then they'll know it was me!

That's something we have to face, Helen. Look, I'll do the talking.

I'll explain you've been under a lot of stress recently.

I'm sure they'll understand.

What was wrong with my idea? All you've got to do is swear I was here.

You mean tell a lie? -Yes!

We couldn't do that, honestly, could we?

I'm going to go to prison, I know it.

I'm going to go to prison! -You're not gonna go to prison!

You're gonna stay here, calm down

and let me go back to the store and sort this thing out.

Come on, let's pack this stuff away.

Right, wedding dress, shoes...

Couldn't we just keep the little handbag?

No we can not! Have you got anything else up there?

Good god! A barbecue set!

Eh eh eh eh eh eh. And what exactly is going on here?

Mr. Brittas, have you heard the news?

Aren't you supposed to be outside having sponges thrown at you, Tim?

We're not gonna get a new trampoline by standing around gossiping, are we?

There's no need for it any more, Mr. Brittas.

You may not think it's important Gavin,

but the rest of us have decided that synchronised trampolining

is an essential part of being a major leisure centre.

It's not quite what I meant.

We don't have to do any more fundraising. -We've got the money!

What? -We've got all of it!

Quite a bit more actually, £2,495!

Where did all this come from?

From Michael! -Who?

The one you were gonna throw out. -Just as well we didn't, eh, Mr. Brittas?

You mean the American? He's responsible for this?

He gave me every last penny he had. Just like that!

Wasn't it kind of him?

Oh yes, very kind!

You don't look very happy about it. Happy?What reason have I got to be happy?

You've got your trampoline, haven't ya?

Fundraising isn't just about making money you know, Julie.

Isn't it? -No it isn't, Gavin Featherley.

We were gonna work for that trampoline ourselves, penny by penny.

And in the process, we were gonna bring people into the Centre.

We were gonna be drawn closer together ourselves.

We were gonna work as a team. And then when we got the trampoline,

we could say it was ours, bought with the sweat of our brows.

And every time we saw someone bouncing

up and down on it, we'd say "We got it! That's our trampoline!"

And now we can't. We just think some rich Yank came in and bought it for us.

He's spoilt it. That's what he's done, he's spoilt it.

I think that's a little unfair. -He was just trying to help, Mr. Brittas.

He wasn't. I know exactly what he was trying to do, Carole. Where is he?

Mr. Farrell? -Hi.

This room is for staff only,

as you may have observed from the notice on the door?

I'm sorry. They told me outside to come in for a coffee.

The use of this room by the public is not permitted by County regs.

And as such, you are at this present moment in time, uninsured.

Oh, I guess I'd better leave then. -Indeed.

I don't know if you heard but I made a small contribution to your fund.

Yes...we're very grateful.

And I wondered if... in the circumstances...

You might speak to my deputy manager?

Yes. -No!

But she's free? The sponsored swimming's all over now?

Indeed, Mr. Farrell. But, safety continues to be our number one priority.

And with that in mind, Laura will be staying in the pool for the next...

two hours in case anyone would like a swim.

Oh, well, I think I'll do that, then.

What? -A swim! Can I have a ticket, please?

Er, that's not against "County regs" is it?

Fine! I'll have erm...

Do you take credit cards? -I'm afraid not, Mr. Farrell!

Couldn't we give him a free ticket? -Free ticket?

I mean, in the circumstances. He has just given us £2,495!

I'm sure there's a lot of people who'd love to have a spare £2,495

they can dish out on a new trampoline, Colin.

But we can't make the rules up as we go along.

Don't we have any work to do?

Carole, I shall be in town for the next two hours on a personal matter.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Goodbye, Mr. Farrell. And I think the phrase is "Have a nice day!"

Will you tell Laura I'll be waiting in the car, whenever she's ready?

Yes, of course Michael. Michael!

You're taking my book? -Your book? You wrote this?

I'm sure it's rubbish, of course, but it's the only copy I have.

No-one could tell me who wrote it. Do you mind if I show this to my brother?

Your brother? -Yeah, he's a publisher.

Well, he owns a couple of publishing companies and I think this

is the kind of thing that he'd like. -A publisher...oh, I'm so excited!

Michael thinks my book is the kind of thing his brother might publish.

Could I have a word with you?

How dare you! -I'm sorry!?

How dare you do that to one of my staff.

Hey, I was just trying to, you know, give the girl...

I know what you were trying to do! You were trying to butter that girl up

so you could get a ticket to go down and pester one of my deputies.

No, I told her I was gonna wait in the car.

I dunno how you behave in your own country, Mr. Farrell.

but that's not the way I let people treat my staff.

That poor girl has quite enough problems already, don't you, Carole?

Yes, I suppose I have, Mr. Brittas.

She's had her hopes dashed far too many times in the past, haven't you?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I'm not gonna stand by and see it happen again. Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas? -This man is refusing to leave.

You'd better take him down to the table-tennis room.

Hey, look, if you're gonna try any rough stuff, I gotta warn you...

We do not indulge in "rough stuff." Mr. Farrell.

This is a British leisure centre and as you obviously won't leave

until you get what you want, I will ask,

ask mind you, my deputy whether or not she's prepared to talk to you

and if she is, I'll send her to join you in the table-tennis room.

Great! At last! -Walk this way, Mikey.

You don't think I should bother then? -What?

I wondered if you thought it was worth showing Michael my book?

That's up to you, Carole. -In that case, I think I will...

But if you want my opinion, Carole.

I think we'll be a lot happier if we just got on with our own jobs.

Let's leave the novel writing to the novellers eh?

And concentrate on keeping a nice tidy reception area.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I suppose it's some drawing paper for you then, Ben.

I'll just get you some colours.

(BABY GARGLES)

Yes, of course you can crumple it up! Mummy doesn't mind.

Mummy doesn't mind at all.

I've just heard. We reached our target. -Yes.

And you can speak again. You must be very pleased!

Laura, there is a man outside, claiming to be a friend of yours,

who's been pestering to see you most of the morning.

Oh, who?

I may not have seen him in his best light, is that he's someone who lies,

cheats and thinks money can get him whatever he wants.

Could be any one of my friends really. Does he have a name?

He's called Michael.

Michael T. Farrell Ill, if you please. An American.

He's ever so good-looking. -Yes. Yes he is, isn't he?

You know him, then? -He's my husband!

You're looking good! -What do you want, Michael?

So, this is where you work, huh?

I met your boss this morning. Mr. Brittas, quite a guy!

Well, he's just described you as a liar, a cheat,

and someone who thinks money can get him whatever he wants.

I think that's pretty good after two hours. It took me a year and a half.

Laura, why does it always have to be like this?

I dunno, but it always is. -Well, happy birthday anyway!

This is for me? -Yeah.

You remembered my birthday?

There are a lot of things I remember, Laura.

Cruising through the Norwegian fjords, skiing in Aspen.

Doing it in the back row of the Opera House in Sydney.

You remember the good times, do you, Laura?

Yes. And I remember when you started having them with someone else.

You're still on about that, are you? It didn't mean anything, you know.

And anyway, you knew what I was like before we got married.

I foolishly thought you'd change.

The fact that you promised in a cathedral

in front of two thousand people had something to do with it.

So I'm only human. -Michael, what do you want?

I want us to get back together again. Okay, cards on the table here...

There's been a bit of talk at home recently about Michael T. Farrell IV.

What about him? -Well, you haven't produced him yet.

My dad keeps asking these questions like...

"How's it going? Are there any problems?"

Are there any problems? We've been separated for two and a half years!

Yeah well, he doesn't know that. -How can he not know?

You haven't told him? -I didn't want to upset him.

Anyway, he likes getting the cards. -What cards?

The ones I send for you from wherever we've been.

Laura, you know what he's like, Chicago Irish-Catholic.

He'd go through the roof!

You haven't told him!

Laura, I'm between a rock and a hard place here.

Now, if I get a divorce, I get wiped out of the will.

If we don't have a child, I get wiped out of the will. See what I'm saying?

I think so. You're here because you want me to have your child?

Is that such a bad idea? It's what you always said you wanted.

Yes, I suppose it was.

You don't even have to live with me if you don't want.

You can have your own place.

You can see whoever you want, everything you need,

and you get to have -- a baby.

All my dreams come true, eh?

We're not talking a few million here, we're talking big money.

The Farrell Corporation, the largest shoe retail chain in the US,

a square half mile of east Chicago, an aviation industry?

Come on...

What do ya say?

I love the flowers...

Thank you.

Ah, Laura... -Mr. Brittas?

I was hoping to catch you...if you had a moment, I'd like to apologise...

Could it be some other time? -I had no idea he was your husband.

No.

I just thought he was a rich lout off the street causing trouble.

Well, it doesn't matter...

I hope you know the last thing I'd ever wanna do

is upset or cause any embarrassment to a member of my staff.

Particularly one I'd always hoped I could call -- a friend.

Do you know what really annoys me about you, Mr. Brittas?

What?

What drives me up the wall almost every time you open your mouth?

Laura, I said... -It's the waste!

I mean, here you are, you want to help, you have a dream,

you actually have a vision of how things ought to be. You care.

You get all the difficult things right...

When it comes to the simple bits, you blow it! Every time, you blow it!

I mean, there are people out there and if they had half of your decency

and a quarter of your desire to do just the right thing. It makes me so angry...

Gordon, how did it go? -What?

At the shop? Are they going to prosecute?

Oh that. -You did talk to them, did you?

Yeah, it's all taken care of. All under control, my darling.

Oh Gordon, thank you!

Thank you, darling, thank you!

Helen, have you ever thought... Have you ever thought that...

that Laura might perhaps be in love with me?

Laura? -Yes, it wouldn't be the first time.

The older, more experienced man, the young assistant who...

No, Gordon. -You sure?

My mind's gone on a lot of things, but I promise, Laura is not in love with you.

In fact, she's often told me how very annoying she finds you.

Right? -Gordon, could we go home now, please?

Yes of course, my darling...

We'll stop off in the department store on the way, yeah?

I thought you said you'd sorted all that out?

I have, I explained to the manager that you were my wife.

He was very understanding.

So why do we have to go there? -Well, you want to apologise, my darling?

They said it was unnecessary but I thought it would be nice.

Oh Gordon, I can't! -Yes you can.

It's only the manager and about fifteen of the staff!

Come on, my darling, you can do it!

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, how may I help you?

My name is Mr. Didcott and I'm seventy-two years old.

I was wondering what a place like this has to offer someone of my age?

What I do require is some activity

that will at the same time as give my body valuable exercise,

will bring me into contact with other people in the community

and help me be something more than just a Social Services statistic.

I'm not sure we've got anything like that.

That sounds interesting.

Yes, that's for younger people really, housewives, you know?

Are you saying I'm not welcome because I'm elderly?

Of course I'm not saying that, I just want to join...

Morning, Carole: -Oh, hello Mr, Johnson.

you're a bit late today... -Held up in the traffic.

One ticket for the bowls court, please.

I think you'll find the lady was attending to me first, young man.

Oh Sorry, you don't mind. --if I nip ahead, do you?

"It's just that I'm meeting friends.

I'll be as fast as I can, but you must understand that being elderly.

do - appreciate patience and understanding from those around me.

oon - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

How much will a session at this "Slim Trim" cost me then?

Twenty-five pence.

Oh...twenty-five pence, that's five shillings, isn't it?

I remember when five shillings... -Just pay her the money, can't you?

Oh, oh, I will take a ticket young lady,

although five shillings is lot to someone like me on a fixed pension.

Now where's me purse?

I'll be as fast as I can young man, but you must remember that

an elderly person's fingers aren't as nimble as they used to be.

Oh....oh...look what I've done now.

I don't believe it. -I'm seventy-two years old, you know.

I'm not likely to forget it, am 17? Can I have my ticket, love?

I'm afraid she's still in the middle of a transaction.

She's only allowed to conduct one operation at a time on the till.

I know someone else who's gonna need an operation in a minute!

Come on love, give us the ticket!

But she's not allowed to! -Don't you push me!

Hello, staffroom? -You're doing this on purpose!

Get your hands off me!

Can someone in the staffroom please come to reception?

Get your hands off me!

You'll pay for that damage!

You're going to make me? -I might just!

Now don't you shake me around? -I'll shake whatever I like!

Will someone please come to reception, thank you!

That was my glasses! -What?

Argh!

Now you've trodden on them! Right!

Will somebody please come to reception! Anybody to reception!

Right, come one, cut that out! You can't behave like that in here.

He broke my glasses!

It were an accident! It was 'im first!

He started it! -What is going on here?

He started it! He was trying to jump the queue.

Is this true? -I was in a hurry!

I've got a match to play! -Queue jumping?

You're lucky Mr. Brittas isn't here!

Alright, I think we can sort this out somewhere else, shall we? Tim, Gavin.

would you like to take Mr. Johnson to the cafeteria and see if he's alright?

Colin, there seems to be money all over the floor.

perhaps you could look at that?

Right Now, and you are?

Mr. Derek Didcott.

Well, Mr. Didcott, shall we go up to Mr. Brittas' office and have a talk?

Alright?

Would you mind telling me what's going on?

I don't quite follow...

I just wondered, Mr. Brittas, why you told everyone you were off sick today

and then come in, covered in latex calling yourself Mr. Derek Didcott?

How did you know it was me?

Some sixth sense, Mr. Brittas . what's all this about?

If you must know Laura, I've been exploring attitudes to the aged.

I wanted to find out for myself what It was like to be old and infirm.

And I can tell you, it's a lot worse than I thought it was.

Well, I'm not surprised if you go around picking fights in reception.

Laura, help the elderly week starts on Monday.

I've spent the best part of a month trying to work out the special needs

of a neglected section of our society.

The least I expect is. I would have thought.

Is some support from my staff.

Ah, there you are, Mr. Didcott!

Guess what I've got for you? But it's not working is it?

Do you know why? Because somebody forgot to put the batteries in!

Don't you worry, I'll fix it and bring it straight up, Alright?

I'll be slipping home half an hour early if that's alright, Laura?

More trouble with the infection is it, Colin?

No no, that's fine, But don't tell Mr. Brittas, eh?

Actually, I have to get a dream interpreted.

Last night, it was very upsetting.

II ves thls - -JIU 8G. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

But instead of soaring aloft in the clouds with the other eagles,.

I was stuck on the ground because I had this mange under my feathers.

I just wanna find out what it means.

I think you should get it sorted.

Ah! Catch you later, old timer!

So, er, you're off down to "Slim Trim" are you, Mr. Brittas?

There's not much point now everyone seems to know who I am.

Colin didn't.

Hardly reassuring from a man who just dreamt he was an eagle with mange.

Yes, well...

Dreams! I don't know how anyone believes that load of old poppycock.

I've had the same dream for the last seven nights running.

It doesn't mean a thing, It's simply the pressure of work.

What was it? -What?

The dream, I wondered what it was.

If you must know. I was at a bus-stop.

Yeah?

In the clouds...very significant!

A number 65 bus-stop in the clouds, uh!

So what happened?

I can't really remember, I'm carrying something, a knapsack.

And it's got something very precious inside.

A ball, a ball of light, if you please.

And I've been carrying it for a long time and I'm really tired.

It seems like I've been walking forever

and I've gotta lie down and rest, but first,

I've gotta pass it on,. this ball of light.

It's very important that I give it to someone else, so they can carry it on.

but there isn't anyone. -And should there be?

Everyone's watching me and the ball is getting heavier and heavier

but nobody will help me. Nobody will take the ball.

I see.

I suppose you could say that means something.

I think it might.

You mean like symbols? All that sort of stuff?

Well, I'd say all this thinking about old people

has suddenly made you aware of your mortality.

Can we have that in English please Laura?

I think you're worried about what's going to happen to the centre

when you retire, You get to 65, the bus-stop, and you want your ideal.

the things you believe in, the ball of light, to continue into the future.

You want someone to take over, to carry on.

But there isn't anyone! -No!

There's no-one who'll do it! -Quite. 1122.

I could be wrong of course, but that's what it seemed to me...possibly.

Morning, Carole.

Oh hello Mrs. Brittas. how are you feeling today?

Two weeks to go, think I'm definitely pregnant!

Still, it'll be worth it, won't it? -Yes, I suppose so, How are yours?

Oh very well, thank you.

Ben's off playing in the equipment cupboard today.

And little Tom Is, asleep at the moment.

Emily...ooh! Needs a little bit of a nappy change, if you'll excuse me.

Yes, of course. -Hi, Helen!

Oh Laura, just the person, I want you to drive me to hospital.

Now? -No, no,

I've got my transcendental meditation class now.

No, it's just when the balloon goes up...or down,

I'd like you to be the one who took me to hospital.

Not Mr. Brittas? -I'd rather it was you.

You see, I don't want it to be like when Carole had her twins.

That wasn't anything he did.

Maybe not, But she still wound up in the sauna being delivered by a vet.

I'd rather not risk it. If Gordon drives me.

I'll probably end up giving birth outside Marks & Spencer

with half of Whitbury looking on.

I'll be very happy to take you. -Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll tell him right away, Is he upstairs?

Yes, wearing a bald wig and calling himself Mr. Didcott.

You didn't know? -No.

I think T' do my meditation class first.

So, what's he doing it for?

He's worried old people aren't coming to the centre.

He got this chart in his office showing how 20 and 30 year olds

all play squash and go weight-lifting...

But there's nobody over 70 in the trampoline club?

That's it Tim, and ZZZZZZZZ wants to know why.

Well, I wish he wasn't coming to my "Slim Trim" class...

You'll just have to treat him like everybody else.

Yeah, put him in a pink leotard and help him firm up his bust!

He's serious about this one you know, Julie.

I heard he's put lead weights in his trousers

to make him walk like an old man. He could have a heart-attack.

You needn't worry. -What?

He's given up the whole idea, He's had a dream.

Oh, not another one? -No, this is a dream dream.

You know, waking up in a cold sweat, that kind of thing.

He has something precious he wants to pass on.

He's already passed it to Carole and his wife, isn't that enough?

He's a worried man, Julie.

About what's gonna happen when he's too old to manage the centre.

Dancing in the streets I would have thought...

He's looking for someone to take it over, In fact.

I'd say we'll all be getting questionnaires about it, all...

ooh sometime in the next half hour.

Oh, that's what they are! Sorry, that's why I came down.

Right, there's one for everybody... apart from you, Laura.

Yeah, he said not to give you one.

I'm not to tell you, but you're too old and you have an attitude problem.

Oh right...so what am I missing?

Would you like to take part in working towards an ideal which will

one day.play a major part in promoting world harmony and peace?"

"Would you be prepared to give a wholehearted and full-time commitment

helping others find their place in the community through the medium of sport?"

Not really.

No!

"Would you-like to discuss any of the ideas in this questionnaire outside

office hours in an informal atmosphere possibly over a cup of coffee?"

No! -

He's not gonna find {His one easy.... -(JULIEZTIM/GAVIN) -No!

Oh Gordon, there you are.

Gordon?

Sorry my darling, rather lost in my own thoughts there.

Nothing wrong is there? -No, no, not wrong exactly.

Good 'cause I wanted to ask you something.

It's just I've been thinking about old age.

Have you?

Do you realise that forty-three years

is the all the average man gets for his working life?

I've had thirteen of mine already!

Yes -l don't think you need to worry about that just yet...

There's so much to do my darling. and we can't do it in one lifetime.

I need someone to carry on the light, but who?

Where will I find someone like me?

I don't think you will, Gordon.

But I have to, don't I?

Gordon, I want Laura to drive me to the hospital.

Not Now, when the babies come.

She lives just round the corner. All I have to do is give her a call.

she'll pick me up and, you don't have to bother at all.

But why would it be a bother, my darling?

Well, it would, you're busy. You've got all sorts of things...

But I still think... -I want it to be Laura!

There's something worrying you, isn't there?

I'll tell you what's worrying me, Gordon.

I want my children delivered in a hospital bed.

I want doctors and nurses and one of those curtains

that pulls round the bed. -Of course you do!

I don't want my babies hauled out by a vet, so I want Laura to take me.

Alright, my darling. alright, Let Laura take you.

Really? -Of course, my darling.

If it gonna make you feel more relaxed, that's fine.

Oh, that's wonderful Gordon...oh, thank you!

On.. oh!

I feel so much better! Feels like a whole weight's been lifted from me!

Ah, would that all problems could be solved so easily!

Others I fear are slightly knottier.

Like, who am I going to get to continue my mission?

The person I need has to be young, keen and eager to learn.

Filled in your form, Mr. Brittas.

Linda! I have something very precious to pass on to you!

I've done my best, Mr. Johnson but I think you're going to need a new pair.

Well, don't you worry,

It's not as if I have to drive very far.

You're driving? -Just into town.

Here's the insurance form, if you'd like to take it home and fill it in?

Thank you, You know I feel terrible about all this.

I've never done anything like that in my life, I don't know why I hit him.

It's not as difficult as you'd think.

I just didn't realise what he was trying to do.

It was such a thoughtful idea.

Oh yes; Our Mr. Brittas Is a very thoughtful man.

Well, he's ZZZZZZZZ something, I can tell you.

Has it? -Yes.

I'm in a impatient with an elderly person,

I'm going to remember Mr. Brittas.

I'm gonna remember that in all our dealings with others,

patience, courtesy and consideration are the things that really matter.

Thank you, goodbye. -Have a nice day.

Ah, Laura.

I wondered could have a quick word with young Linda for me, please?

Of course, anything in particular?

I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard.

I need to get my clothes out. -Can't you ask her?

I have several times, but she refuses to come out.

Don't ask me why she's in there, I've got no idea.

I was simply explaining the light-bulb dream.

Hold him there, Laura. I've got his hearing aid.

I've got your hearing aid, Mr. Didcott!

Now, don't worry, you'll hear a lot better when you've got this back in.

Now, I've changed the batteries, but when I tried this in my ear...

That's been in your ear? -Yes, but it kept on sliding out.

I don't know if it's a design fault or my own natural oils and juices.

But er...I've added this, and this should hold it on really well.

Don't worry, didn't cost a penny!

It's just a bit of elastic out of' me underpants! Are you ready?

Just get it away from it, please, Colin

We're not going to be difficult are we, Mr. Didcott?

Colin, am I not Mr. Didcott, Look , it's me!

See? It's me! Look!

Mr. Brittas!

I'm so Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

It's just that when you said you had something precious to pass on to me...

He meant he wanted to talk to you about the future, Linda.

Yes, I see that now.

Mr. Brittas thinks you might be ready for a special sort of promotion.

Sorry to interrupt Gordon, I just...

Rather busy at the moment darling, I'm afraid.

Yes, I just wondered if...

In the middle of a - very important meeting.

Yes...yes of course.

Promotion, Mr. Brittas?

Yes Linda, You see when you gave me that form earlier on, I read it

and I realised that you might have the special qualities I'm looking for.

Mr. Brittas has had a dream. -I know all about the dream, Laura.

That the peoples of the world... -Not that one, Linda.

It was Laura I wanted to talk to really.

Yes, if I could just have a quick...

She's in the meeting as well, darling Should be out in about half an hour.

Yes, yes I'm Sorry,.

Now Linda, what we need to know Is, are you the sort of person

who has ambition, a sense of purpose...do you wanna go places?

Oh I do, Mr. Brittas! -Excellent!

I want to go to Oregon!

Oregon? -With my brother.

we want to start up a gun shop. -A gun shop?

Well, the laws are much more relaxed over there, you see.

You mean.to say you're planning to leave the centre?

Oh yes, one day, Well, obviously I don't want to work here all my life.

I mean, there's a whole world out there!

Mr. Brittas? I just want to apologise for fainting on you like that.

Alright, Colin, -It was the disguise, so convincing!

And when you pulled on that wt, I mean. ZZZZZZZZZZ

I thought you might like to know...

The only thing I want to know Colin. Is that you're leaving my office now.

Oh, right.

I know you don't want to know.

but she's still there. -Who?

wife ZZZZZZ she's gone into labour.

Meeting postponed! Let's go! Right, mobile...

(CRIES OF PAIN)

Everything's going to be alright. My darling, Colin, open the car.

That's it, take it easy.

Right, let's go, go, go!

(ALL) Bye, Mrs. Brittas.

Gordon, what are you doing?

It's alright, my love...

Argh, argh! -Take it easy, my darling..

(CRIES OF PAIN) Nearly there, my darling.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Why have we stopped? -Pedestrian crossing, my sweet.

(CRASH)

I do not believe it!

What are you doing?

Someone's driven into the back of us, my darling.

But you're driving me to hospital!

We've been involved in a road traffic accident on the Queen's highway.

The law requires that we at least exchange names and insurance companies.

Shan't be a minute. -Oh god...

Sorry about that.

it's these glasses, you see...Mr. Brittas?

I might have known! -It's you, isn't it?

I'm so glad to have this chance to apologise.

You what?

The girl at the centre explained why you were disguised today.

How you were just trying to Improve the lot of old people.

Mr. Johnson...

It was such a wonderful thing to do. and all I could do was shout at you.

I feel so ashamed.

Mr. Johnson, I'm trying to get a pregnant women to the hospital.

Can I see your insurance certificate, please?

Oh goodness yes, of course.

(CAR HORNS)

Alright, alright, I'm dealing with it as fast as I can!

What's the problem? -I think I might have left it at home.

Perhaps if I gave you my phone number?

Look, I'm gonna pull in just up there. I want you to follow me, understand?

Yes, fine.

Shouldn't let people his age out on the road.

Sorry, my love. -Argh, ouch.

Belt up! -Oh Gordon...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Two more minutes, my love, Slightly more complicated than I thought.

But if you could...oh...oh god...

What are you doing? -What?

You can't just leave it in the middle of the road.

that's why I left a space for you behind.

I know, It's just I find reversing rather difficult these days.

I was wondering if you could park it for me?

You what?

I had a bad experience with a pram recently and it's left me a bit er...

Yes, yes alright, gimme the keys.

What do you think you're doing? You can't park there!

Oi! I'm talking to you!

Don't just walk away when I'm talking...

Don't you just walk away when I'm talking to you! Come back here!

Come back here at once! What a Charlie!

Coming, Right, I want all your name. address, license and phone numbers.

There's a bit of -paper, there's a pen, there's your right hand.

now start writing. -Yes, of course.

I'm Sorry, I hadn't realised your wife was er...

Just write! -Yes...right.

He's just filling in the details now. How are you ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

So, you still think it's the real thing, do you?

Right, Well, don't forget about you're breathing.

Gordon, you've got to get me to the hospital!

Yes my darling, as soon as... -Now, Gordon!

You have to get me there now!

I will as soon as... -Gordon!

Just move the car, please!

I thought you wanted me to...

No, forget it, don't do anything, just move the car.

That's very kind of you, Would you like what I've done so far?

Tear it up! No, don't even tear it up.

just don't do anything apart from move the car!

Right...

What is it now? -Your pen.

Just please, please. please move the car.

Right.

Sorry to have held you up, Mrs. Brittas.

Where's he gone now? -Gordon! Oh...god!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I've dropped the keys. -You what?

I flapped and I suppose they just slipped out of my fingers.

Right, forget the keys. -What?

Just get in the car and let the brake off.

I can't.

Look, I can't go forwards, I can't go backwards,

I've gotta get to the hospital.

so if you'll just get in the car and let the brake off.

I'll push you out of the way.

But I can't. -Just do it! Don't argue.

Can't what?

I can't get in the car, It's locked and the keys are down there.

You locked it?

It's habit, for security, You read these terrible things in the papers.

I've got a spare set at home. -Where's home?

Plymouth.

Right my love, we're gonna take a taxi, Just step this way...

Laura? Oh Laura, please come quickly! It's just like I said.

He's got us stuck in the middle of the high street and I can't., argh!

Hello, Laura, yes it's me, Yes, she is a bit.

In the high street, yes, Would you? That would be excellent!.

She's stuck, isn't she? -What?

Your wife, Just as well you've got a sunroof.

The roof! Of course, the root!

My darling, would you mind turning that little handle for me, please?

Come on, don't just stand there, this is an emergency!

We'll soon have you out of there, my darling.

Right, we each grab an armpit and drag her out.

Could I just mention I've recently had a by-pass operation?

Just listen and do what you're told!

Alright my darling, like to hold up your arms, please?

Gordon, I won't fit! -Of course you will, my love.

Try holding your breath.

I knew this would happen! -It's going to be alright.

I just wanted a hospital bed, with doctors and nurses.

darling, I promise you.

Want to help St, Bardof's?

Do you wanna give us some money?

Do I look as if I wanna give you some money?

Help the hospital! Help St, Bardof's!

Where? -The hospital, it's rag week.

You're nurses?

Medical students. -Doctors? Even better!

Well, we're not qualified yet... -It's my wife.

She's having twins, here in my car, Do you wanna take a look?

Twins? Phil, over here!

Look who's come to help, my darling!

They're doctors, Wasn't that lucky?

(SCREAMS OF PAIN)

Be careful with my little lady, please.

(CRIES OF PAIN)

Easy does it, easy does it. Everything's gonna be alright darling.

Everything's gonna be alright, Mind the dress!

There...there.

In many ways of course, Laura, it's an ideal place.

I'm sorry?

To have a baby, I mean. everything's at hand, isn't it?

Not quite with you.

Well, towels and sheets from Marks & Spencer, hot water from the pub.

drugs and stuff from Boots...

The weather helps of course.

Even the manager of Smith's came out with a book of family medicine.

Yes...they took it too, didn't they?

Everyone's been so supportive Laura.

I've rung the hospital again...

They've called an emergency ambulance. t should be here any minute.

Look at all these presents!

And so many people waiting to visit.

I just hope she's up to it! Hal!

Two boys! Mother and children doing fine!

That's it, Laura! -Congratulations, Mr. Brittas!

Children! Children, Laura! That's it!

Children, children, children...

It's alright, I've found someone!