Original subtitles

(BRITTAS) And finally, every visitor to our centre on this special day,

will receive one of these... (TOY TRUMPET)

a paper hat, a sparkler, a balloon

(BALLOON BURSTS)

and a special anniversary badge, which has a spike on the back of it.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas...

Now, these items will be presented in a special anniversary

Whitbury fun-bag, which will serve

as a souvenir of what I'm sure will be a memorable day.

You're sure about the badge? -Pardon?

I just wondered if it was a good idea, in view of the misprint.

What misprint? -Well, mine says,

"I've been to Whitbury Leisure Centre and swum in the poo."

So does mine! -It's on Linda's as well!

That is pool. -It's on all of 'em!

It says "pool." The L's just got pushed round the corner a little bit.

Well, it definitely says "poo" on mine!

It's perfectly clear what it's meant to say, Julie.

We know that, Mr. Brittas. It's just a bit embarrassing to wear!

We've had 5,000 printed. We wear them, right?

Now, visitors get presented

with this fun-bag when they come through Reception.

But the most important thing they get is what, Carole?

Sorry, Mr. Brittas?

What is the most important thing our visitors get when they come in?

Oh, a smile, Mr. Brittas.

And perhaps we could have a little example, Carole?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas. It's the twins, they never seem to stop feeding.

Alright Carole...

I've got these two cracked nipples. and I can't do anything with them.

Just do the best you can, will you please, Carole?

So, today we have a busy schedule. We have the kiddies' party,

the pig roast, the fireworks, the swimming gala...

You're planning to use the pool then, are you, Mr. Brittas?

It's a bit difficult to have a swimming gala without it, Colin.

In that case you'll probably want to do something about the heating.

What's wrong with the heating? -There isn't any. We've run out of oil.

That's impossible! We had a delivery on Thursday.

Bit of a mystery that one, Mr. Brittas.

Why didn't anyone tell me? Alright, to your places everyone!

Please, let's try and look as if we're enjoying ourselves.

No, tomorrow is not good enough! Nor is this afternoon.

I need 350 gallons of domestic heating fuel and I need it now!

Within the hour please. Thank you...I heard that!

Oh, Mr. Brittas, these gentlemen were enquiring about membership

to the Privilege Club.

Were they indeed? Splendid!

I think you'll find it has several advantages, quite apart

from the members' bar and toilet.

Forms please, Carole. -Yes, but er...

I don't know if my receptionist explained,

but due to tightening of security,

we do require two separate pieces of identification.

Oh yes, we've got those. -And the passport photos!

Excellent! Just the forms then please, Carole.

It is both of you I take it? -Actually, there's thirty-six of us.

Thirty-six? -Yes, we've brought a party.

From Guildford. -We've come over for the day.

And you all want to join? -If that's alright?

It certainly is. In fact, I can help you out a bit there.

You see, anything over thirty-five is technically speaking a coach party.

so I'll need just the one form, a Q17 please Carole,

to be filled in by the group leader, and that covers membership for all of you.

Ah! Suddenly realised, we're actually only going to be thirty-four.

Are we? -Ian and Christine weren't well, remember?

They wanted to stay on the coach. -Oh yes.

We'll have to fill in the individual forms after all, I'm afraid.

Well, I don't want to inconvenience you if you've come all the way...

No, no, we quite understand. -Rules are rules, after all.

Mr. Brittas! We haven't got thirty-four forms.

Ben spilt his Ribena and it seeped through from the drawer above.

Well, get Julie to run off some more please, Carole, will you?

Now, I don't know if you've seen the programme of events board...

Thank heavens I've found you!

What is it, Colin? -I've found what's happened to the oil.

What? -Gordon?

Just one moment, my darling. What's happened to the oil?

There's a little hole in the tank. Linda's got her finger in it

at the moment but it's been leaking away.

Gordon, Horatio's outside. He just wants to say goodbye.

He said goodbye this morning, my darling.

Well, I suppose he wants to say it again.

Well, I'm rather tied up at the moment...

How long's it been leaking for?

Linda reckons it's about one pint every five minutes.

So if there were three hundred gallons, that would mean...

I'd better take a look, Colin. -But what about Horatio, Gordon?

Two minutes, my darling.

Hello Helen, time for a coffee?

He said two minutes. Time for several I'd have thought...

I'm on to a thumb now, Mr. Brittas, but it's still getting through.

It's only two years old. How can it have a hole in it?

It's rust Mr. Brittas, from the pub.

The where? -The pub!

You see, this is short of a shortcut from the Wheatsheaf to the town centre.

Colin, what are you burbling about?

Well, that's what causing the rust. They've had a few pints of lager, you see,

and this is the first private spot they come to.

I should imagine it's a great relief!

Linda, that oil is leaking out onto the ground.

Well, I don't want to touch it if...

Linda, do you realise what will happen if that stuff soaks into the water-table?

The damage to the local ecology?

Small children poisoned from inadvertently drinking the water

while swimming in the canal? To say nothing of the waste to one of the

earth's most valuable and dwindling resources.

Linda, stick your thumb in it.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Right Colin, I want you to get a bucket,

collect any remaining oil that comes out.

I'll go and ring someone to make a repair. When that's done, I want you to pour

the oil back into the top. Alright? -Right, Mr. Brittas.

Don't be long, will you, Colin?

They're very alike, aren't they? -Who?

Mr. Brittas and his brother.

They may not look like twins

but they have a very similar outlook, don't they?

Do they? -Yes.

The Reverend Brittas has a dream too, you know.

Not another one? -No, no, it's the same one apparently.

He was telling me about it yesterday after he blessed the new vaulting horse.

They worked it all out together when they were children.

Oh, I could have coped normally, Laura.

Even with two of them I could have coped, but it's just

I'm under quite a lot of strain at the moment, managing without the pills.

Doctor's told me to cut down while I'm pregnant.

Ohh. -God knows why.

I'd have thought a good supply of Valium in the bloodstream

was just what a baby in our house needed.

Still, Horatio's going this afternoon. Four-thirty, Heathrow.

I booked the taxi two hours early, just in case.

What's he planning to do there exactly? -Where?

In the Lebanon?

Oh, I'm not really sure. Just sort things out, I think, politically.

Gordon says it's a very exciting challenge. He thinks

it's high time someone went out there and banged a few heads together!

Are you sure it's a good idea?

I think it's vital, Laura. I'll go mad otherwise.

He's got to go today. -No, no, I meant going to the Lebanon.

Oh, I think so. It's a sort of promotion.

He's going to be Dean of Beirut.

I'll look forward to reading about it.

Excuse me...

Oh Horatio, you've seen Gordon, have you?

Er, no. He hasn't come back yet.

Oh, I'd better take you to his office then, hadn't I?

We don't want you missing your flight.

Good luck, Mr. Brittas. -Sorry?

Just wanted to wish you good luck, in the Lebanon.

Oh, that...yes, thank you.

Come on then.

Yellow Pages, please Carole. -Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Perhaps you could help sort this out? -l am rather busy at the moment.

We got a few problems with the lunches, Mr. Brittas.

What? -I'm afraid three of us are vegetarians.

And there are two vegans as well, if that's possible?

Well, as long as the kitchens have the details in writing before 11 o'clock.

In writing. Thought it'd have to be.

Could I just ring down, Mr. Brittas?

Safer to fill in a form I think, Carole.

Saves confusion in the long-run.

Yes, it's just that Ben had a bit of a runny tummy

and the forms are a little well...

Ah, here we are, Whitbury Welders.

I'll ring down, see if Julie's got some more.

We were also wondering if you could possibly find time to talk to us?

Sorry? -As a group, some time in the day.

If you were free.

Talk to you? What about? -Well, anything really.

That's up to you. Health, safety... -Your management philosophy...

Your dreams, perhaps? -If you have any?

Just one moment, please.

Well, I might be able to organise something, but not now.

I'm actually dealing with a slight emergency.

An emergency? -You mean like a crisis?

There's nothing to be alarmed about at this stage.

Just one of those small things that has to be dealt with now,

before it grows into something more serious.

Well, you carry on with your emergency, that's much more important.

Indeed. Ah, hello.

Whitbury Welders? Excellent.

I'd like someone to repair an oil tank, please.

Can I help you at all?

Yeah. That should see you through the weekend, mate.

What? -350 gallons.

There's a surcharge I'm afraid, for special delivery.

You've put 350 gallons of oil in there?

There's your receipt. -Well, we don't want it!

Well, it ain't what your boss said. -Mr. Brittas?

He was very insistent. -Oh, I see.

Will we need any more buckets, Colin?

Quite a few I should think, Linda.

Sorry Horatio, it's just one of those days.

Julie gave you a coffee, I hope?

She said she was too busy.

Right. So, you wanted to talk?

Yes.

Helen said there was something you wanted to ask me?

Yes. -Well?

It's just I've been thinking... -Good. Good.

Gordon? -Yes?

Have you ever wondered all the things you believed in,

all the dreams you had, all the ideas which you based your life on were...

were, well, wrong?

No.

You've never thought that maybe, possibly, although what you wanted to do

was make things better, make people happier, what you actually did

was to make things worse? Quite often a lot worse.

No.

I shouldn't have bothered you. You've got all your celebrations today...

Hang on a minute. Do I sense a certain undercurrent here?

It's not important. Honestly, I know you're...

You're trying to tell me something, aren't ya bruv?

It doesn't matter... -Oh yes it does!

If there's something bothering my brother.

I wanna be the first to know about it. Come on, let's have it!

Hey, you know those lost property forms

that Brittas always tries to get people to use?

Well, you're never gonna believe it! Somebody's actually filled one in,

for a two pence coin they found in the changing rooms.

You'd better put it with the rest. -What? What's all this?

Lost property forms. Thirty-three of them!

I don't believe it! One piece of string?

Brackets, "possibly from a child's swimming trunks?"

"One Opal Fruit, green. NB, possibly should not be returned even if owner

comes forward due to location found and possible health hazard."

What's going on?

It's that coach party from Guildford. -They seem to like filling in forms.

I spent most of the morning running off spares of everything we've got.

You know that notice in reception that says

"The terms and conditions of liability are available on request.

Well, they've all requested them!

One of them complained because his was missing the page on

"What happens in the event of an earthquake?"

Do you think they're here to cause trouble?

(KNOCK) Sorry to disturb you... -Yes?

We just wondered where Mr. Brittas was? -I'm afraid he's busy, can we help?

It's just that we saw someone trying the handle of a car

in the car park and we wondered if the police should be called.

The police? -Yes.

They did look rather suspicious. -I think if Mr. Brittas knew...

That's alright, I'll check it myself later, thank you.

You're right, troublemakers.

No, they're not. It's a competition. -A what?

They are from the leisure centre in Guildford, and this is their staff outing.

They chose to come here? -God knows how they got onto it,

but they all have one of these. -"I spy Brittas"

The one with the most points gets a prize.

Do they get points for filling in forms? -Yep, fifteen for each one.

Hey, and they get fifty points if they get him to call in the police!

Oh, there's a page of gestures here.

You get five points if you get him to do one of these...

you get ten points if he does this...

and a whole twenty points if you get him to go like that...

This is brilliant! We should have one of these!

There's a star bonus as well. You get one hundred points if you get him to say.

Don't worry, I'm dealing with it!"

Sorry to trouble you again, it's just the girl on the desk

has run out of forms for joining the Friends of Whitbury Sports Hall.

Oh right, I'll get some for you. There's also a supplementary form

if you want to be on the mailing list for a newsletter.

Really? -You want thirty-six of them, I suppose?

Well...

Just the two, please. And could you not tell the others?

Is that the tank? -What?

The one with the hole? -Oh, thank goodness. Yes!

Fix it as soon as you can, please.

You want me to weld a patch on that? -Oh yes, please.

We've used all the buckets. This is the last of the milk bottles.

There's two hundred gallons still in it, right?

Well, I think so. Linda thought there might be a little bit more but...

Are you going?

Are you not gonna fix it? -Strange isn't it? Call it instinct,

call it intuition, but there's something about 200 gallons of heating fuel

and the naked flame of a welding torch!

I've just gone right off the idea.

I see, you want us to empty it first!

Eh, now there's an idea!

Linda! Linda! -Coming!

I think we're going to need the margarine tubs after all.

You see, I want to help, I want to make things better,

but if you look at the facts, what actually happens is, things get worse.

You've gotta take the broad overview, Horatio.

Six parishes in four years, Gordon. All requesting I be transferred.

New ideas always generate hostility. I've had the same reaction in this place.

It shouldn't be like that. You know I get hecklers in my sermons?

I've had godparents try to throttle me against a font!

3 weeks ago, someone fired a shotgun at me just as I was announcing a hymn.

We all have little setbacks you know.

I'm just beginning to wonder if I'm really up to the job.

Not up to the job? My brother? Have you talked to anyone about this?

Yes I have, and they agreed!

They what? -They said it was very sad,

but I was just one of those unfortunate people

with an innate capacity to get up other people's noses.

I don't believe it! Who was this...this person?

The Bishop.

I asked him if there was anything I could do about it, any sort of therapy.

But he said no, he didn't think so.

But what about your work? What about the Lebanon?

Yes, well, that's what I've come to tell you really.

What? -I've decided not to go.

Not to go? I cannot believe I'm hearing this, Horatio. All we ever...

What's that smell? -What?

Smells like petrol. Don't go away.

Colin, what are you doing? -Nearly finished, Mr. Brittas!

What's going on, Colin? What have you got there?

It's the oil. -Oil?

From the heating tank.

Good God! How much of this stuff have you got in here?

370 gallons, Mr. Brittas. It's been quite a job!

370! What's it doing in here?

Well, we couldn't leave it outside, not with a thunderstorm forecast.

I mean, a bolt of lightning hits one of these margarine tubs and whoomp!

Are you alright, Mr. Brittas?

I've brought his luggage, Gordon. -Luggage?

Horatio's. I've asked the taxi to come here instead of home.

Time's getting on and we don't want him missing his flight, do we?

Ah, you haven't heard then? -Heard what?

He may have decided not to go.

Who? -Horatio, we've been talking it over.

Gordon, someone will be catching that plane to the Lebanon this evening.

Just remember, it'll be either him or me.

You can't go...

Ah Laura, a moment of your time... -Yes, Mr. Brittas?

I wondered could you quietly spread the word?

We have a quantity of heating fuel upstairs in the old weights room.

Quantity? What sort of quantity?

It's about 370 gallons. -What?

It's alright Laura, as long as we take a few sensible precautions.

You can't be serious? Storing heating oil inside the building?

There's no need to get hysterical. What else can I do?

I can't put it back in the tank. I can't leave it outside.

But it's a fire hazard.

It's only for a couple of hours, Laura. What can happen in a couple of hours?

I'm just taking the fire-eater up to the weights room.

Who?

Mr. Volcano for the children's party. He wants somewhere to practice...

Outside please, Carole! Preferably the other side of the car park.

Er, Gavin, where are you going with that?

It's for the press photo, Mr. Brittas. They wanted a picture of the cake.

We thought standing in front of the machines in the old weights room.

Stay right where you are, please Timothy and blow those candles out now.

What do you want me to do with the fireworks, Mr. Brittas?

I thought they were safest up in the weights room.

Right, nobody move! Nobody move a muscle!

Laura, go to Colin and tell him to close and lock the door of the weights room

and not let anyone within fifty feet without my permission.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Those stairs are now out of bounds until further notice. Understood?

(ALL) YES!

Right. Julie, come with me.

There's nothing wrong, is there?

What? -We couldn't help overhearing...

Slight emergency, but don't worry, I'm dealing with it.

(BOTH) Yes!

Fifty feet Colin, stay alert! -Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

Well, where do you want them then? -On the desk please, Julie.

And if you could make sure there are no disturbances for the next half hour.

Right bruv... -Yes?

You can put those down

and come over here.

Now, tell me if I'm talking out of turn,

but I think it's about time I reminded you of something.

Yes?

Of two young men starting off in the world?

One going to theological college,

the other going to Loughborough College of Physical Education.

Yes. -And before they went, they wrote down

on a bit of paper what their aims in life were gonna be.

I know. -I've still got my copy.

On my paper it says, "Working towards the dream."

Yes.

We had fourteen simple aims:

Setting up of a world government,

promoting team spirit,

building a sense of community and belonging, join in with me,

abolition of crime, fairer allocation of the world's resources,

a... -a religious revival,

the end of war...

Rather a lot for one person, eh bruv?

Which is why we decided to -- share the work.

Body and soul, Horatio.

I look after the body, the physical side of our culture's development,

while you take-care of the...

Spiritual. -Indeed!

Yes, I know we said that, Gordon but, you don't think it's a bit silly?

The abolition of poverty, silly?

My goodness, the head's fallen off your horse alright!

What?

Your rocking horse! It's fallen on the floor of the nursery with a thump!

I don't quite understand. -It's a metaphor, bruv!

All I'm saying, is at times like this, you've got to remember,

there's room on my horse for two!

Get back! Get back for goodness' sake! -What?

Mr. Brittas says no-one has to come within fifty feet of this door!

Why? -Because of the oil. He's worried it might catch fire.

Oh, I'll throw this away then. -What?

This, it's just the last bit of oil from the tank.

No, you can't do that! Remember what he said about the water table?

You haven't got any naked flames around you, have you?

What? -Matches? Flints? Cap guns?

Er...no! -Come on, come on!

It should be alright...

I'd like to believe you, Gordon, I really would.

So why don't you? -Well, it's just that you're...

Well, the same sort of things happen to you, don't they?

What?

You try to draw people together, the same as me.

But it never works out like that, does it?

Helen...Helen's told me about the murder attempts,

the petition in the local paper, your togetherness classes being cancelled

because they take up too much police time.

We have the odd trouble-maker, Horatio, just like anyone else.

But, you can't judge a place by a couple of headlines in the national press.

What matters, is what Mr. Squash Court, Mr. Average Citizen thinks.

He knows what we're doing's worth while.

Does he? If only I had your faith, Gordon.

If only...if only He'd give me a sign or something.

A sign? You mean like a comet whooshing across the sky or something?

Well...

I'm afraid comets whooshing across the sky are in rather short supply, bruv.

But I have a more practical suggestion. -Yes?

Don't take Gordy's word for it.

Go and ask the ordinary people who use this centre every day.

Ask them if they think what we're doing is wrong.

If we ought to jack it in and go home.

I think you'll get a pretty dusty answer and no mistake.

Go on. Ask them! (FIREWORKS)

(FIREWORKS;

(FIREWORKS)

(EXPLOSION)

Excuse me? -I'm sorry, yes?

Can I do anything for you?

I wondered...could you give this to Mr. Brittas?

Yes, yes of course.

You'll make sure he gets it before closing won't you?

Yes, yes I will.

It's the booking form for July. -What?!

You see, you have to give three months' notice for a coach party

otherwise he won't let you in.

You're coming back?

After this? Of course we are! -But you're injured!

You've broken a collarbone. -It'll heal.

It's all part of the experience, isn't it? -All part of the Brittas magic!

Magic? You don't think he should give up?

Give up? -Don't let him do that!

He's the whole reason we come here. -He has a dream ...did you know?

Yes...yes I did.

He wants to bring the people of the world together.

You make sure he doesn't leave. Don't let him give it up.

Oh look! Here he comes!

Three cheers for Mr. Brittas!

(ALL) Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

It's a good job we weren't injured, eh, Gavin?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Don't worry Mrs, Roberts, I will get someone to take Fido for a walk.

Horatio! With you as soon as I can.

I know your busy, Gordon. My taxi's arrived. I just wanted to say goodbye.

Say goodbye? -Yes. And thank you. -Oh?

I was feeling a bit down earlier, I don't know if you noticed?

I did actually.

But today has helped me get a few things straight.

Reminded me what it's really all about.

I hope you don't think this is the norm?

You were right Gordon. My horse had been shot from underneath me.

I was lying on the battlefield,

wounded and dying. But from the ranks ahead, I heard a familiar voice...

Right?

Did you think I would leave you dying?" it said

"when there's room on my horse for two?

Climb up here, we'll soon be flying, back to the ranks so blue!"

Oh that!

It's a question of inner certainty. -I suppose it is, yes.

Whatever happens, you have to hold on to the things inside you.

You have to -- you have to hold the dream.

Yeah, you do.

To the airport, driver. I have a plane to catch!

Has he gone? -Yes. Yes, he's gone. -Good!

Are you alright, Gordon? -Fine, my darling. Absolutely fine.

It's so wonderful, isn't it? When...

when things go right.