Original subtitles

Ladies and Gentlemen. Fellow managers.

I bid you welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre.

It is my proud duty this morning to introduce our opening speaker,

the Member of Parliament for Truro. The Honourable Sebastian Coe.

But before Sebby, I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you

a few thoughts on what I think this conference is really all about.

Its official title may well be, "Expansion in The Leisure Market."

but do we here not have the opportunity

to paint on a rather broader canvas? I think we do.

A chance to discuss the whole meaning of...

(KNOCK KNOCK)

Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Brittas. -Yes, Laura?

Just to remind you, before I go

that someone needs to turn up the heating in the pool.

Go? Go where?

My interview. Remember? For the job in Teddington?

Of course! I was gonna give you some advice, wasn't I?

It's alright, Mr. Brittas. I know you're busy....

Come in, Laura, come in. A good manager is never

too busy to help a young colleague struggling up the ladder of promotion.

Yes, thank you. -Sit down. How are you feeling?

Very nervous, I'd imagine?

Well you know... -Let me tell you one thing that helps...

Wear something smart for the interview.

Something that suits you.

And possibly a dash of lipstick?

Make yourself more attractive.

I'll bear it in mind, Mr. Brittas.

It boosts confidence, you see. No point looking dowdy.

No, you're right...

Now, I think the most important thing to remember is you're not applying

for the post of leisure centre manager.

That's what it said on the form...

That's not the half of it, Laura.

You are seeking responsibility for the moral and physical welfare of every

person in the community. You'll have to be a lot more than manager.

You'll have to be social worker. Critic. Friend. Father...

Yes, yes...I do have to be there by ten o'clock.

Anything else worrying you?

No, as I said. If you could just remind someone

to turn up the heating in the pool in time for the baptism.

The coffee machine is getting low on cups.

I'll get Colin onto it. You've got plenty to panic about already.

Thank you.

Off you go! Don't forget. There'll be a lot of competition.

So don't be too disappointed if you don't get it.

Is it true?

Oh! Mrs. Brittas you startled me.

I came as soon as I heard. I couldn't believe it.

Sorry?

That she's leaving and going to manage another centre.

Oh you mean Laura?

I thought if I could just talk to her, I might manage to persuade her...

she hasn't gone yet has she?

Well, I don't know,.. Tim, has Laura gone yet?

Oh yes, she left first thing. She's got an interview, you know?

Oh no! Why didn't anyone tell me she was applying for jobs?

I don't think she was. They just rang her up and asked her.

You mean it was their idea?

Oh, yes...sounds hopeful, doesn't it?

Where's Gordon?

Mr. Brittas? He's up in his office. He is not to be disturbed!

He is writing a speech for Monday.

But I'm sure if it's you he wouldn't mind.

And I was sharply reminded of the weighty responsibility we all hold

the other day. When a young woman of my staff came to me for some advice.

She was up for promotion. Off on her first big interview.

You could see the pleading in her eyes. "Help me Mr. Brittas."

"Tell what this managing a leisure centre is all about."

And I told her exactly what I'm about to tell you now...

Ouch!

You never said she was leaving!

Morning, my darling! -You can't just let her walk out.

Who?

Who do you think? Laura. You've got to stop her!

Julie, could you come into my office, please?

I'm afraid that's the way of the world, my darling.

What is?

You train them. You nurture them. You watch them grow. But the end result

is always the same. The fledgling learns to fly and leaves the nest.

I mean, what are you going to do? If Laura goes, there's just no one...

I thought you said you didn't want to be disturbed.

Could you get me a pound from petty cash please, Julie?

If Laura goes, my darling, we'll do what we have always done.

We shall pilot our little vessel through the rocks and shoals.

Granted, she was a useful deputy...

Useful? She's all this place has got, Gordon.

Can't you doctor her references or something?

Helen... -Or ring them up...

tell them she steal things. -Helen, Helen, Helen...

This is what always happens.

As soon as I make friends with anyone, they just go away and leave me.

Nobody ever stays!

I'm staying, my darling!

What do you want me to do now?

Ah Julie, I think my wife would appreciate it if you took her

down to the cafeteria and bought her a coffee and a doughnut.

Yeah. C'mon.

C'mon, my darling.

Julie will look after you. C'mon. Out you go.

Right...

I'm sorry, Julie.

It's just I only heard this morning about Laura leaving.

Oh, well we don't know she is. It's only an interview.

Oh, she'll get it. You know she will.

Yeah...we'll miss her.

I'm not talking about a friendly face, Julie. I'm talking about survival.

I mean, doesn't it scare you at all, just knowing she's not here?

I think we'll be alright. There's only the baptism.

Mr. Brittas is staying in his office and the rest of the public

are outnumbered by the staff three to one.

I can't see anything major going wrong.

They never are major in the beginning, are they?

What?

The disasters! They always start with something trivial.

Some tiny, little thing apparently going wrong.

Cup of coffee? -Mmm.

Carole, are you sure that's wise?

Oh, yes. These are all fast, non-colours.

Actually, I meant if Mr. Brittas sees you.

Oh yes, it's alright.

I thought he told you to stop using reception to look after your children

and use it more as... well, as reception.

Oh, it's just for today, Gavin.

Anyway, Mr. Brittas is up in his office. He won't be down all day.

Well, just be careful. -Yes, I will.

Excuse me. -Welcome to the leisure centre.

How may I help you?

I've just put 20p in the coffee machine and nothing happened...

Yes?

Well I would have used the one in the rifle range,

but apparently that's been disconnected until whoever

put in a piece of aluminium foil owns up to the manager.

Well, I'd like my money back for a start.

Ah, you have witnesses?

Did anyone see you put it in?

I'm afraid I cannot give you a refund without corroborating evidence.

You are joking? -'Fraid not. It's in the policy.

Carole, have you seen Colin?

No, he's not in yet. And I've got this note from Mr. Brittas.

Could you tell him we need some help. They're all ready to start, and the

harmonium is stuck in the foot-bath. -Yes, of course.

Perhaps I could have some change?

For the machine. I'm trying to get a cup of coffee, remember?

I am not allowed to open the till without ringing up a sale first.

I have to buy something?

Well...

I'll take that squash racquet!

This one comes in two styles...

Just give me 20p in the change!

I'll put this by for you...

Excuse me, my name is... -Colin!

That's the one! This'll be for me, then.

Are you alright, Colin?

I mean, where else but in a leisure centre can we draw together

the troubled strands of our society?

Where else will you find young and old of every class and race,

playing with each other on the gymnasium floor?

And where can ordinary people find meaning and purpose to their lives?

A sense of commitment and caring...

What is it, Colin?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas. You wanted to see me?

That was four hours ago!

I'm afraid I've only just got in, Mr. Brittas.

I had a slight accident on my rowing machine.

Come in, Colin.

I later found what the trouble was, I'd lost a rowlock.

It just fell off the machine, which provides the power

for the downstairs lighting. So I was in the dark when I walked into the kitchen,

where the side of the cupboard caught me a glancing blow on the head

and since then I've...

Colin? -Yes, Mr. Brittas?

Two things I want you to do this morning or what's left of it.

One, I want you to increase the heating in the pool for the Pentecostal baptism.

Right, Mr. Brittas!

Secondly, I want you to check there's enough cups in the coffee machine.

Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

Number one was...

More heat in the pool. -Heat! Got it!

And number two?

Cups in the coffee machine.

Cups! That's it!

So...that's the cups and... and...

I'll tell you what, Colin, you just do the pool, alright?

And I'll get someone else to do the cups.

You could try Laura, Mr. Brittas. She's very good...

Laura is not here, Colin. -Dear me. She's not ill is she?

Laura is... -Only, you wouldn't want both of us down.

I don't know if I mentioned it to you

but I got a nasty bang on the head this morning.

She's gone for a job interview.

You haven't thought of going for a job interview, have you Colin?

No, no. I think I've found my niche here with you, Mr. Brittas.

So, that's it then, is it?

Just the pool!

Yes. If you had the time you could take a length of rope up to the roof,

attach one end to the lightning conductor,

the other to your trouser zip and jump off.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas? -But only if you have the time!

Hey, Mike, I've got a free one!

Argh!

Oh...

How was Mr. Brittas, Colin?

Mr. Brittas! He wanted to see me, doesn't he?

I thought you just had? -What? Oh yes!

Quite right, Carole! I have to increase the heat in the pool.

It's burnt me now! -Sorry?

Your damned machine! It's poured boiling coffee all over my...trousers.

Oh dear! I'm so sorry. I'll send for a first aid officer.

I do not need first aid.

I thought perhaps a bandage?

Nor do I want anything bandaged.

I just want my money back so I can get a white coffee with two sugars,

preferably in a cup this time.

Of course.

What's this? -These are the official claim forms.

If you could fill them out in block capitals. We don't want any mistakes.

Is it, I wonder, an exaggeration to say

that we, the leisure centre managers hold the future of civilisation in our hands?

I think not.

You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

I hope some day you'll join us and the world...

Mr. Brittas? -Alright Gavin, what is it?

I just wondered if anyone was sorting out the heat in the pool?

All under control, Gavin, Colin's doing that. Which reminds me,

could you check we've got enough cups in the coffee machine, please?

Certainly, Mr. Brittas... Erm. He's alright now, is he?

Who?

Colin. It's only when I saw him downstairs earlier

he looked like he didn't know what day it was.

So what's new, Gavin?

I've only asked him to do one thing and I've written it on his hand.

Surely not even Colin can get that one wrong?

No...Mr. Brittas.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(COLIN SINGING)

Colin, can you give me a hand with this?

Colin, are you alright?

Colin? -I'll tell him you're looking for him.

I'm sure he won't be long.

Ah, Mr. Brittas. I'm sorry to disturb you but

we just need your authorisation on Mr. Jackson's claim form.

And then, apparently, I can get a cup of coffee.

You possibly think this paperwork is unnecessary, Mr. Jackson?

It crossed my mind.

My concern is for the safety of public money in my charge.

Now, I'm sure you're probably a first-class, upright, honest citizen.

But we have had our fingers burnt in the past, haven't we, Carole?

Oh yes, Mr. Brittas.

People claiming money they weren't technically entitled to.

Now, I know it's only twenty pence. But if I may remind you,

five of those make a pound. Ten of those make two pounds.

Fifty of those make... -Yes thank you. I am a maths teacher.

Point taken, then?

Right. Now, let's have a look. Postcode...

father's occupation... Police record...

and you've signed it. Well, everything seems to be in order.

Does that mean I can actually get a cup of coffee?

Yes indeed. As soon as we make sure all these details square up

with what we have on the security cameras.

Your what?

We have cameras monitoring the more sensitive areas of the centre.

All I've got to do is wind the tape

back to 12:57 and hopefully we'll be able to confirm your story.

In the meantime, if you'd like to take a magazine...

(TAPE REWINDING)

We haven't caught our first streaker have we, Mr. Brittas?

Just keep rewinding, Tim.

The incident we're after occurred at 12:57.

So this should be some...

(BRITTAS) What's happened?

Sorry, I wondered who that was.

Looks like Colin. -Ah yes, so it is.

Why is he carrying all that rope?

Rope? Oh no!

He wouldn't... -Wouldn't what?

I told him earlier to get some rope and jump off the roof.

And that was a joke, was it?

Of course it was a joke. Not even Colin could take that seriously...

could he?

No! -Of course not!

Not unless a bang on the head had scrambled his brains or something...

Come with me, Tim!

Have you decided yet?

Pardon? -Whether I'm a criminal or not.

I'm afraid something has come up, Mr...

When do I get my coffee?

Er, Carole, could you give this man his money, please?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Ah, Linda. Have you seen Colin?

I saw him heading for the pool storerooms, Mr. Brittas.

He was singing. -Singing what?

I'm not sure. Something about crossing the River of Jordan.

Oh my goodness! Three days before the conference. You'd better come too!

Here's your money, Mr. Jackson.

Have a nice day.

And as our brothers and sisters step down into the waters,

let us pray.

Let us pray their baptism this morning

may see tongues of fire come down from heaven, as they did of old.

And may that fire enter their bodies...

so that they may be born again into a new life.

Don't do it, Colin! Don't do it! Stop right there!

Mr. Brittas!

I'm sorry if I spoke to you a little harshly. But...

What are you doing up there, Colin?

Just tidying up this cable. I know how you like everything ship-shape.

Is that cable live?

Certainly is, Mr. Brittas!

Have you any idea how dangerous that is, Colin?

Dangerous?

Coiled cable with a live current passing through it creates a powerful

magnetic field. Didn't you know that?

Imagine if some elderly person came in here looking for a lost grandchild,

leant against the wall to get his breath back,

came into contact with a magnetic field which turned his pacemaker off.

I hadn't thought of that, Mr. Brittas.

You'd have a death on your hands, wouldn't you, Colin?

Take it down at once. -Right, Mr. Brittas.

Where does this thing go anyway?

(EXPLOSION)

What's happened to the lights?

I think it might have something to do with the fact that my husband's

just electrocuted everyone in the pool.

Oh my god!

It reminds me of the way my uncle used to catch salmon.

Seeing the bodies floating round on the surface like that.

Are they dead?

The fish weren't. Not usually. Just stunned.

My uncle used to haul them out with a net and knock them on the head.

Maybe that's what Gordon's going to do...you never know.

Well, how did it happen?

I think he dropped an electric fire into the pool.

Why?

I don't know, Julie. I don't ask about these things any more.

(COUGHING)

No. No. No! That is not enough. We'll need at least four ambulances.

Well I suppose it will have to be, won't it?

They're turning the power back on. -Thank you, Gavin.

And where do you think you're going?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I should say so! What have I always said about mixing electricity and water?

Not to do it, Mr. Brittas.

Precisely. So you go and hang a two-bar electric fire over a swimming pool!

It's not his fault, Mr. Brittas. -Well, who's fault is it, then?

He's got concussion...

He's been ill all morning. He should never have been allowed out.

I don't care if he's got terminal dysentery.

He's endangered the lives of fifteen people.

I've let you down very badly, Mr. Brittas.

You certainly have! -Is there anything I can do?

For a start, you can go to my office and copy out the safety manual.

Right, Mr. Brittas. -Are you serious?

Ten times! -You can't do that!

He can't just go round wiping out innocent church-goers.

But that's like being back at school, Mr. Brittas. You're giving him lines!

Precisely. Carole? -Yes, Mr. Brittas. Can I help you?

Can I have the safety manual and large pad of lined paper, please?

Carole? -I know it's in here somewhere...

Ah, here it is. -That's Dr. Spock, Carole.

What? I'll have another look.

Alright, open the doors. -I don't need to open the doors,

I know where everything is. -Carole!

They're back, aren't they? -Just for the day, Mr. Brittas.

The number of days is immaterial, Carole, I've warned you before.

Get your bags. You're leaving.

I cannot employ a receptionist,

who keeps the drawers of her desk full of children.

Just look at all that stuff!

These are just a few things for my babies, Mr. Brittas.

They're not just a few things for your babies, Carole.

What you have here is a small but well-stocked branch of Mothercare.

Now pack your bags!

Mr. Brittas, I was only... -Go on. Do it!

Mr. Brittas? -What is it?

I've been asked to say on behalf of all the staff

that we think what you are doing to Colin is really... unfair.

Not now, Gavin. -But we feel very strongly...

I'm sure you do but I'm dealing with Carole at the moment.

C'mon. Don't just stand there!

Give her a hand. -With what?

With the packing. Carole is leaving us, everyone.

You're not serious?

Perfectly serious, Tim. She knew the score.

She fragrantly disobeyed my instructions.

He's throwing her out! -You can't do that!

Come on. We haven't got all day.

Excuse me... -Not now, I'm busy.

If you want to help, Tim, start packing some of those soft toys.

And I just go away, do I?

A cup of coffee doesn't matter, I suppose.

Can we shut up about your coffee for three minutes, please?

Mr. ... -What?

If Carole goes, I'm afraid I'll have to consider my position here.

You're handing in your notice? -Yes. Yes, I am.

Accepted. Goodbye! Anyone else want to leave?

(GUN SHOTS AND SCREAMS)

Nobody is leaving! Nobody is going anywhere!

Not until I get one cup of coffee with two sugars!

Is everything alright, Mr. Brittas?

(KNOCK KNOCK)

The last of the ambulances has gone. Oh, and I've given Mr. Jackson his 20p.

Good.

I think we've been quite lucky really.

With the Pentecostalists. One of them said they saw fire dancing on the water.

They've got the idea the whole thing was a visitation by the Holy Ghost.

Does that mean they're not going to sue?

No. They've booked in again next week.

Good.

Carole's, erm, packing her things.

Yes, I know.

I don't suppose there's any chance...

I don't want her to leave, Laura.

In that case...

I warned her what would happen if she brought those children in

and I cannot go back on my word.

No. -I would if I could. But I can't.

No. I understand.

It happened to him once, you know?

Sorry? -Gordon in Karthoum.

It was in the final stages of the siege.

He put out an order rationing the water supply,

and this little lad, one of his favourite servants, Abdul,

stole a saucer full of water for his dying puppy.

Old Gordon had a soft spot for Abdul.

But he couldn't go back on his word.

Although the lad was only nine years old,

he was court marshalled and shot.

It's what I have to do, Laura.

You're going to shoot the children?

I'm building an analogy.

What I'm saying is, sometimes leadership involves hard decisions.

I understand.

Managing a place like this is the finest job in the world, Laura,

but let no one tell you it's easy.

No. I won't, Mr. Brittas.

On Monday, I've got managers from all over the land coming to my centre.

I've got to make the welcoming address to the Honourable Sebastian Coe.

It was gonna be the proudest moment of my life. But now?

Now I've got to explain why the place is closed. The staff are on strike.

And there's no receptionist.

Mr. Brittas, could I make a little suggestion?

Thank you.

Carole, I heard you've been fired.

Yes, yes I have.

But you're still here?

No, I'm no longer the receptionist. -No?

I'm manageress of the staff creche.

I look after all the children of the working women of the centre.

What children?

Well, it's just the three at the moment.

You mean yours? -That's right!

And where is this creche?

Well, Mr. Brittas is going to provide us with proper facilities in a room

of our own as soon as he has the resources.

But until then, we are sort of based...

We're sort of based here.

You mean they're all back in the drawers?

Yes, and the advantage is,

I can stand in for the new receptionist until she is appointed.

Who's idea was all this? -Laura's, I think.

Laura's back? She's here?

Well, she's not actually here. She popped in before she went home.

Did she get the job?

Do you know, I forgot to ask.

I was so distracted with Mr. Brittas ...

Bye-bye.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Laura? -Helen!

Not disturbing you, am I?

No. I could do with a break.

I just wanted to know how it went. -What?

This morning? The job? -Oh that.

Fine. I liked the man. He liked me. -Did he?

Mr. Brittas wrote a very nice reference.

He said I was a good choice, for a woman.

You got it, didn't you?

I did actually. -Oh no!

More money, start in October.

Laura, I've no right to plead. I shouldn't ask anyone to stay,

but things are bad enough as they are.

I didn't take it...

I mean you saw what happened today when you were gone for four hours,

and if you weren't there to pick up the pieces...

I'm not leaving. I didn't take the job.

C'mon, let's have a drink.

Hello.

Anyone at home?

I'm sorry, Carole must have told him.

So, I still have my deputy manager?

I'm afraid so.

Laura, there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

Thank you.

I'll tell you what. I'll ring the manager first thing in the morning

and ask him exactly what it was he didn't like about you.

They did like her, Gordon. They offered her the job.

As a matter of fact, they did.

But she's turned it down. -- She's going to stay!

I'll go and get some more ice.

Turned it down?

The chance to manage her own leisure centre?

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

How could anyone turn down the chance to manage their own leisure centre?

Well, it was in London. -Precisely!

A prime leisure centre in our capital city. How could she do it?

Well, I think that's your answer Gordon -- there.

Where? -I never knew.

I mean, from the outside, it looks such an ordinary little house.

And then you come round the back and there's all...

The garden? She didn't move because of the garden?

You're saying she thought dahliases and pansies

were more important than a leisure centre?

Yes, I think so.

My goodness me, there's some funny people in this world. Ha!