All language subtitles for s3-2 enafafae

Coffee, Laura?
-Thank you.

Thank you, Julie.

I think it's from young Millbanks.

Lord Millbanks?

I recognise the writing.

I thought you two parted
on rather bad terms?

Really?
-You know. The death threats?

We all say things in the
heat of the moment, Laura.

Julie, can we have
the scissors, please?

I imagine this is an apology. His
way of saying "No hard feelings!"

We think it's from
Lord Millbanks, Julie.

All the way from South
America. Isn't that nice?

(DOOR SLAMS)

How much longer are you
going to let this go on?

Pardon?
-Julie? The staff. Carrying on like that?

Like what?

Not speaking to you.
They've sent you to Coventry.

Coventry?

Two weeks ago. You must've noticed.

I thought things were going
rather well actually, Laura.

Well?!
-None of the answering back.

No silly suggestions. People seem
to be getting on with the job.

Is it something you wanted?

Hmm?

Your present. From South America?

I'm not sure really.
It looks like leaves.

Leaves? Perhaps it's some sort of
herbal drink? Is there a note with it?

Why would they do that?

What?

The staff. Why would they
want to do a thing like that?

Send me to Coventry.

Well, if you really want to know...

I do Laura. I do.

I think the last straw was
probably the staff meeting

when you gave out your individual
Fitness and Figure targets.

A lot of them were very upset.

Remember? The meeting at
the start of the month?

I remember it perfectly, Laura.
I'm just trying to remember

if there's anything I might have
said that would have upset anyone.

Well...

Hang on. I'm just running
it through my mind...

So, we've agreed that one of our
responsibilities is to show by example

how much more attractive it is to have
a body glowing with health and fitness.

We want people to come in here and
say. "Ooh. Look at the physique

on that young person,
I wish I looked like that!"

But is that what they say? Do we have
the bodies other people really want?

Looking round this room,
if we're honest with ourselves,

I'm afraid the answer to that question,
in many cases, would have to be

"No we do not thank you very much."

Which is why I have prepared...

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

Alright, Colin.

I woke up with this rather
painful septic rash.

It just burst out overnight.

Just sit down, Colin.

I think I'm possibly allergic to
the elastic in my new pyjamas.

Colin!
-Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Which is why I have prepared a series

of personalised Fitness and
Figure targets, Laura...

Now, within these files, you'll find
not only some general do's and don'ts,

but also a personalised programme of
diet, exercise and mental discipline

that will take each and every one
of you, over the next six months,

to your peak of physical well-being.

Yours is a two-year outline, Carole.
-Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Now, it's all very simply
laid out. On page one,

you'll find a photograph of
your physical condition

as it is at this very moment.

Is that Sam?
-Indeed. I'm using Samantha's file

as a working example.

Now, if we place the plastic overlay
over the photograph like so

you'll see I've marked the
areas in need of attention.

In Samantha's case. Sections
of flabby thigh here,

poor muscle tone in the abdominal area

and these rather
unattractive thick ankles.

Have you got pictures
like this of everyone?

Indeed, Laura. Everyone has their
own individually tailored target.

Where did you get them from?
-You have a problem, Tim?

Yes I do. Where did you get a
photograph of me in my underwear?

I'd imagine it was while
you were getting changed.

Such are the wonders
of modern technology, Tim,

it is now possible, with the
aid of a local video shop

to transfer a still frame
from the security cameras.

You've been taking photographs
of people getting changed?

You're missing the point. They're just
bodies. We've seen them all before.

Not mine you haven't!

Oh sh...oh my god!

Ha ha ha ha. Now before
anyone gets too excited.

I'd just like to say

nobody is on trial.

This is just a positive
programme to make sure we all get

fitter and healthier, which
is what we all want, isn't it?

No. I can't think of anything.

Well take my word for it.
Very strong feelings were aroused.

'Cause I produced a series of
Fitness and Figure targets?

Yes.
-But why? They were to help people.

I know you meant well, Mr. Brittas.

Laura, have you any idea how long
it took me to prepare those files?

My wife didn't see me for three months!

Fortunately she was very brave
and cheerful about it actually.

Sorry I'm late. Just clearing up a bit
of congestion with some nasal floss.

He's talking to me. Are you
sure you got this right, Laura?

He's management. Mr. Brittas.
So am I. We're not included.

You knew about this did you, Colin?

About what, Mr. Brittas?

The staff not talking to me.

I told them you'd notice!

It's despicable when I
think of how hard you work

and everything you've done for us...

Alright Colin...
-And all they can do is hold their

secret meetings and say those
dreadful things about you.

Secret meetings?

I've been so worried, Mr. Brittas.
I kept on thinking,

if only there was something
I could do to help.

Well there's one thing you
can do for a start, Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas?
-I want names. Everyone in this building

who's been sending me to
Coventry without telling me.

I want you to interview every
member staff and make a list.

A list? Right, Mr. Brittas.

I'm just so glad it's
all out in the open now.

It's been like some strange evil force

creeping into the life
of our once happy Centre.

Just do it will you, Colin?

What exactly have you got in mind?

For people sending you to Coventry.
What are you going to do to them?

Do to them? These are sick people.
I'm not gonna do anything to them.

Apart from make an appointment for
them all with the County psychologist.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dr. Matthew's office.

I'm afraid he's busy at the
moment. Can I take a message?

An appointment? Well, there is a
waiting list I'm afraid, Mr. Brittas.

Of several months.

Brittas?

I can certainly ask him.

Gordon Brittas,
Manager of the leisure centre?

Yes.
-I'll take it.

Mr. Brittas! Alan Matthews here.

What sort of problems?

Well I could certainly check
anxiety levels if that would help?

Yes. I could be with
you in half an hour.

I'll look forward to seeing you.

Half an hour? But...
Your appointments...

See if you can juggle them
round a bit could you, Debbie?

This is important.
You've not heard of him?

Brittas? No.

I remember the day of the opening.

He made the Duchess of Kent
pick up a sweet wrapper.

He said it was important
people in her position

set an example to the community.

He didn't!?
-He did!

I'll get a book out
of this one, Debbie.

If not a television series!

Can I have a word, Carole?

Oh Colin. Sorry, I'm just
having a bit of a clear-out.

Mr. Brittas wants to know if
you're sending him to Coventry?

Well...
-Yes?

And no. You see. I want to show
solidarity with the staff.

But when Mr. Brittas says,
"Carole!" the way he does.

I have to say. "Yes Mr. Brittas.
How can I help you?"

So you do talk to him?
-Well...

I'll put you down as a "Don't Know.

Thank you, Colin.

Morning Carole, have you got
the keys to the exercise room?

Oh yes, Mrs. Brittas,
I'll just have a look.

I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of a
toy cupboard clear-out.

So I see.
-Well, it's for the charity shop.

We have to do our little bit for
children less fortunate than ourselves.

Less fortunate than children
living in drawers behind a desk?

Exactly. We have to count
our blessings, don't we?

Oh. I suppose we do.

It's extraordinary the things they
make for children these days, isn't it?

I mean. Look at this! Eew!

Which one's that?

The hairy whatsit thing. Boing! Boing!
Ooh. Ooh! It's still turned on!

Here we are. I'm afraid Ben's
rather dribbled over those.

Oh that's fine, Carole.

I just want to get everything
set up for the antenatal class.

You won't leave it like that, will you?

Like what?

You don't want to waste the batteries.
-Batteries? Ooh!

Ooh. Bungey Bear.

We don't want to part
with him yet do we, Ben?

Shall we pass him on to the twins?

Emily, your turn next!

Leaves?
-Yeah.

But why would anyone send
a box of leaves to Brittas?

Perhaps they're poisonous?

If it was Lord Millbanks,
he'd have plenty of reasons.

A million and a half
reasons to be precise.

That's how much the
Rembrandt was worth.

Did Brittas destroy a Rembrandt?

Well, sort of. It was the day of
the staff visit to Millbanks' Hall.

Lord Millbanks threw
it at Brittas' head.

But it missed, landed up in
the fireplace and went up in smoke!

So he really doesn't like him?

He gave up his estate his family
had held for eight hundred years

and emigrated, rather than live
in the same country as Brittas.

No. If he sent leaves
there must be a reason.

Ah, Julie. Mr. Brittas wants
a list of all the people

who've been sending him to Coventry.

Yeah you can put me down.
-Right.

You can tell him it was my idea.
-I'll just put a tick for now.

I've done you two, haven't I?

Yeah. Colin, you know
about plants and things?

Why would anyone send
a box of leaves to Brittas?

Oh, fascinating!

Borrians Tinnorus, Gavin.
A tropical hardwood

whose bark is used by the
natives for making sandals

and whose roots are said
to be mildly aphrodisiac.

What do the leaves do?

Nothing.

Not highly poisonous?

Used in black magic or anything?
-No, no. They're just leaves really.

Though I have heard that some of the
tribes use them as a sort of packaging.

When they want to send something
delicate and fragile

they want to
arrive in peak condition.

But Brittas said there was
nothing in there. -Except, half a spider!

And why send Brittas half a spider?

Excuse me?

Oh, welcome to Whitbury New Town
Leisure Centre, how may I help you?

My name's Matthews. I have an
appointment with Mr. Brittas.

Oh right. I'll just see if I can get...

Oh Julie. Could you take this
gentleman up to Mr. Brittas' office?

Yeah. Come on.

You could understand it
if it was a live one

and highly poisonous. If it was me.
I'd have sent two to make sure!

Two what?
-Spiders.

Oh! Where?
-No, we're just talking about them.

Oh sorry, I just have
this thing about spiders.

Even the slightest mention
of them makes my scalp crawl.

Don't worry, we won't
mention them again.

Thank you. Right. Now... Ben!

So, you reckon this thing will
do the trick then, Alan?

It certainly should
give us a few clues.

I sincerely hope so!

This Centre means a lot to me, you
know? It's not just a place of work.

That's what people don't
realise. It's so much more.

And to see my staff frittering away
their energies on petty disputes...

It's such a waste!
-Sorry to interrupt, Gordon.

Come in, my darling.

I just wondered if you
knew where Mrs. Lucas was?

Alan, I'd like you to
meet my lovely wife.

Hello.
-Hello,

only she's not...
-I tell you what Al.

We could try it out on her.

This machine he's got, my darling.
It tests anxiety levels.

But I've got my
antenatal class, Gordon.

Even better! We could do a
sort of before and after.

Measuring how tense you feel now

and how you feel after the
session. What about it, Al?

Yes. It should be possible.
-Come on, my darling. Sit down.

Here we go.
-It won't take too long, will it?

I shouldn't think so, no.

These are just sensors.

They measure the electrical
resistance of the skin.

And when he turns it on,
you get a buzzing noise.

Now, the lower the noise,
the more relaxed you are.

And the higher the noise...

(HIGH PITCHED BUZZING NOISE)

Goodness me.
That's quite high, isn't it?

Yes. It is.

I'll be quite honest with you. The
only time I've seen a level like this

was on a trip to America.
We tested a man on death row.

Are you under some particular
strain at the moment, Mrs. Brittas?

Not really. If anything,
today's been a rather better day.

I see.

Now, if we try one or two
basic relaxation techniques.

That noise should come
down a bit. Right?

That's the theory. Yes.

Alright my darling.

Sit back and close your eyes.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES)

Now, I want you to imagine
you're on a tropical island.

You and I are skipping along the
beach. Suddenly I take your hand.

(PITCH OF BUZZING
BECOMES INAUDIBLE)

There. It's stopped!

No. It's gone into ultra-sound.

It's caused a bit of
a paper-jam as well.

Oh, it's alright, it's Julie.

That's a relief!

He's brought in a psychologist!

A what?
-Brittas.

He's got the County
psychologist in his office.

Oh. That's a step in the
right direction, isn't it?

Professional help. I've always
thought that's what he needed.

It's sad. But I think
it's for the best.

It's not for the best. It's for you!

For me?
-For all those who sent him to Coventry.

You've got to go and see
him in the staffroom.

Why what's he going to do?
-Oh lord. He's not gonna clip

high voltage cables to our ears?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Good. Because it doesn't work.

We can't let Brittas go on like this.
We've got to make some sort of stand.

But we've already sent him to Coventry.

We need something much more drastic!

Like...

Like total no co-operation.
Anything he wants done. Just don't do it!

Well you don't anyway, do you?

I'm talking about combined action, Tim.
Everyone working together.

You don't think that's going a bit
far? He's only trying to help.

We know he's only trying to help. Nice
Mr. Major was only trying to help.

It doesn't work that way, does it?

No. Not always...
-One time, Gavin.

You tell me one time when
Brittas has helped someone

and his helping has actually helped.

Tell everyone there's a staff meeting
after work this evening. Alright?

I'm gonna go phone Brazil.
-Where?

Lord Millbanks!

Somebody needs to tell him the box of
leaves didn't work...and nobody died.

Laura! Have you seen Mr. Brittas?

Not for an hour or so.
Can't you tell by the smile?

He ought to know about the spider.

There was a half-eaten spider
in this box from South America

and Linda knows why.
-Spider?

You see my brother collects them
and it happened to him once.

What did?

Somebody sent him two
spiders in the same box.

But when they arrived, one of
them had half-eaten the other.

Yes...I'm obviously
missing something here.

It means, Laura, there was
another spider in this box!

And at this moment it is roaming the
Centre. Its fangs filled with venom.

Venom? Who says it's poisonous?

It has to be, doesn't it?
Why else would they send it?

It's another assassination attempt,
Laura! We have to warn Mr. Brittas!

Hang on Colin.
Let's not rush into this. Now,

has anyone found out if
this one was dangerous or not?

I can do that. I could phone
my brother at the university.

Good idea.
-Shouldn't we evacuate the Centre?

Let's wait 'til we hear from Linda.

It's just that I've got a feeling
it's round here somewhere.

Well we'll keep our eyes peeled.

So, how do you feel about
working in the Leisure Centre?

Oh, it's fine.
-The work doesn't worry you at all?

Oh no. I enjoy it!

Good.

And you get on well with other
members of staff? No problems there?

Oh no. They're a great crowd.

Right. Well, you seem to have a
relaxed and healthy attitude to things.

Ah, there you are! Sorry to interrupt, Al.
I need a quick word with young Tim.

Slight panic over the antenatal
class. I've asked Penny to lend a hand.

Which means you've just
volunteered to do her pool duty!

Now, I realise it is your half day
but it's one of those times

where it has to be all
hands on the deck!

Comprendez?

Are we perhaps a little
overdue for a fresh T-shirt?

Before we go on duty?

Point taken? Good!

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES)

Gordon. What have you done?
-Sorry, my darling?

Mrs. Lucas. The antenatal class.
Someone said she's gone home.

Mrs. Lucas will not be taking our
antenatal classes in future, Helen.

Why not?
-I've had to dismiss her.

You've dismissed the most popular
antenatal teacher in southern England?

Popular she may be, my darling.
But she was a sexist.

What?

How anyone is this day and age
can believe that men should be

excluded from the
experience of pregnancy...

Is this because she wouldn't
let you come into the class?

This is the nineties, Helen.

Childbirth is not just a female
experience. It's something

we share.
-Oh Gordon...

I'll tell you something, my darling.
When you're having our twins,

I'm not gonna be
outside in the corridor.

I'm gonna be right in there with you.

You're not, are you?

Yes. I wouldn't miss a moment of it!

So who's taking the
class this afternoon?

I am my darling. Come on!

Let's not upset anyone
by keeping them waiting.

What's this all about?

I've just been asked to check
anxiety levels among the staff.

Find out how they
feel about their work.

And that's it?

That's all Mr. Brittas said.

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Get on well with him, do you?

Who?
-Mr. Brittas.

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

You enjoy working for him, do you?

It's alright.
-You sure about that?

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Can you remember any particular
time when he's upset you?

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Perhaps.

(RELAXING MUSIC)

And while we're thinking these gentle,
positive thoughts, let's remember dad.

Because he sometimes gets
left out, doesn't he?

Let's remember Jim. Eh
Brenda? And hope his worries

over redundancy in the fall off in
the motor trade prove unfounded.

Let's remember Bob shall we, Elaine?

And we all hope you hear some
news of him before too long.

Let's all try and forget
that these are worrying times

to be bringing a child into the world.

We want to be positive

and not think of all the
many things that can go wrong

with the actual birth itself.

Although we will be discussing one or
two of those in next week's class.

Oh, Gordon...

Laura, we were right!

What?
-About the spider.

My brother recognised it immediately.
-And it's not good.

It's a South American
tarantula. Probably one of

the world's most poisonous creatures.

And it gets worse.
-Worse? -I'm afraid so.

He's quite sure that the only reason
there was a half-eaten spider

in the box is that
someone sent a mating pair,

and the female has eaten the male.

How revolting!
-No. No. That's not the bad bit!

Because they mated, the female
tarantula will be looking

for somewhere to have its babies.

They have three hundred at a time.

Do you think we alert the public?

There's not a lot of public to alert,
Linda. Apart from the antenatal class,

there's only the two old
pensioners in the pool.

But we have to warn them!
I'll tell the staff!

Alright. I'd better tell Mr. Brittas.

I'll check the pool. That could
be where the spider is, you know.

Apparently they like
somewhere warm and damp.

Excuse me. I was
looking for Mr. Brittas.

I'll take you.
-Oh. Thank you.

You're the psychologist, aren't you?

That's right.
-You could be just the person we need.

So on point of release,

what you have is the baby
going out like... that!

I think you'll find it's this way.

The rooms are used for other
activities during the day sometimes.

For example, this morning, there's an
antenatal relaxation class...in here.

(CONFUSION & ARGUING IN THE CLASS)

This is an antenatal relaxation class?

Yes.

Is he normally like this?

Quite a lot I suppose. Yes. Erm.
If you don't mind, I'd better...

Yes. Of course.

So, you've checked everyone
on the list have you, Alan?

Yes, I have. And I think
I've found the answer.

Well that's a relief!
Come on. Let's hear it!

I'm afraid the main single cause
of stress in this building is yourself.

I know you don't mean to.
But unfortunately you seem to have

this uncanny knack of rubbing
people up the wrong way.

I hear what you're saying Alan,

but I think you must be
missing something, somewhere.

Yes. I thought that
might be your reaction.

Which is why I've set
up a small experiment.

Experiment?

Next door.
It's all ready and waiting.

Right.

Everything alright, Julie?
-Oh yes. Thank you.

Good. Now,

all I want you to do is to talk to
Julie without raising her stress level.

Talk? What about?
-Anything you like.

Just try and keep off anything which
might make her upset or angry.

That's all?
-That's all.

Sounds easy enough.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES RAPIDLY)

Hang on. I haven't said anything yet!

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it.
-Don't worry. Relax.

(PITCH OF BUZZING DECREASES)

Okay, Mr. Brittas. Try again.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES RAPIDLY)

That's not fair!
She didn't give me a chance!

Let's go and talk about
it in your office. Hmm?

I don't understand. I mean, I love my
staff. Why would I want to upset them?

I know.
-I mean, this place is everything to me.

It's what I've always
wanted. It's my dream.

Yes, I think that might be the trouble.

What. My dream? How?

Well, in my experience,
dreams can be very dangerous.

I sometimes think we'd be
better off without them.

But, you've got to have a dream!
Everyone does. Don't you?

Not like yours, no.

I have a dream of sorts, about moving
to the country and keeping horses.

It doesn't involve anyone else.

I'm not talking about keeping horses.
I'm talking about changing people's lives,

changing the way people think,

changing the whole
direction of civilisation.

I know.
-Isn't it worthwhile?

All I'm saying is that it makes life
difficult for the people around you.

So you think I should abandon my dream?

Yes. Yes, I think that
would be the answer.

Just give it up?

Yes! If you forgot about world peace
and fostering the brotherhood of man

and just ran a sports centre,
I think everything would be fine.

But, what if I'm right?

What if my dream is a good dream
that really will help people?

It's always possible. I don't
have all the answers, Mr. Brittas.

But I do, you see.
That's why I'm the manager.

You'd better come quickly, Mr. Brittas..
-What is it?

It's Colin. He's been
bitten by a spider!

A spider? Excuse us, Al.

He's in here, Mr. Brittas.

Colin, you alright?

Not too bad thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin said you've been bitten by
a spider. Wasn't it poisonous?

Oh, extremely poisonous, Mr. Brittas.

According to Linda's brother, I have
three and a half minutes left to live.

Three and a half minutes?

Actually, it's three now, Mr. Brittas.

Are you sure? He looks
perfectly alright to me!

It takes a while for the
symptoms to take effect.

What symptoms?
-Well death, mostly.

Could I just say, in the
few moments remaining to me,

how very much I've enjoyed
working with you all here...

Colin...
-I've never had family and friends.

Not at the moment please, Colin.
Has anyone called an ambulance?

They'll be here any minute but...

Laura told them what spider it was
but apparently the nearest antidote

is at the Tropical Disease
Centre in Birmingham.

You mean there's nothing we can do?

Not unless someone sucks
out the poison, Mr. Brittas.

That would help?
Well why hasn't anyone done it?

It's not as simple as that.

The spider was looking for somewhere
warm and damp to lay its eggs...

And it found Colin's trousers.

Now you take care of
yourself, alright Colin?

One of us will be in to see
you this evening...out you go.

Laura, you'd better make out a rota,
or we'll get no visitors at all.

Alright, Mr. Brittas.

Going to be alright, is he?
-Think so Linda. Yes.

But our big problem is who's going to
take over his pool duty this evening?

Oh, I could do that, Mr. Brittas.
-I thought it was your half day, Tim?

Oh that's alright. Anything to help!
-Well thank you.

I'll make out that visiting rota.
-Very kind of you, Julie.

And I'll do it in triplicate.
I know you like it that way.

Well thank you.
-Your jacket, Mr. Brittas.

I gave it a bit of a brush down.
And if there's nothing else,

I think we'd all better
get back to work.

(ALL) Yes. Back to work!

(KNOCK KNOCK)

The hospital's rung.
-He's alright?

Sort of.

They say he's got very
high toxicity levels,

but apparently that's nothing to
do with the spider.

Good.

Dr. Matthews has gone, has he?

Yes. -Did he say anything?
Make any suggestions?

Nothing very practical I'm afraid, Laura.

Well, I'd better get on home then.

Tell me something, Laura.

I have got this right, have I?
I spent every evening for three months

devising a self-improvement
plan for my staff

and they respond by
sending me to Coventry?

Well they were very upset, Mr. Brittas.

I then spend thirty seconds
on the floor of the restroom

sucking out a bit of poison.

Something anyone would have
done in the circumstances

and suddenly I'm Mr. Wonderful!

Yes.
-Can you work out the logic of that?

Erm...

Honestly, Laura, I sometimes wonder
if I really understand people at all.