Original subtitles

Coffee, Laura? -Thank you.

Thank you, Julie.

I think it's from young Millbanks.

Lord Millbanks?

I recognise the writing.

I thought you two parted on rather bad terms?

Really? -You know. The death threats?

We all say things in the heat of the moment, Laura.

Julie, can we have the scissors, please?

I imagine this is an apology. His way of saying "No hard feelings!"

We think it's from Lord Millbanks, Julie.

All the way from South America. Isn't that nice?

(DOOR SLAMS)

How much longer are you going to let this go on?

Pardon? -Julie? The staff. Carrying on like that?

Like what?

Not speaking to you. They've sent you to Coventry.

Coventry?

Two weeks ago. You must've noticed.

I thought things were going rather well actually, Laura.

Well?! -None of the answering back.

No silly suggestions. People seem to be getting on with the job.

Is it something you wanted?

Hmm?

Your present. From South America?

I'm not sure really. It looks like leaves.

Leaves? Perhaps it's some sort of herbal drink? Is there a note with it?

Why would they do that?

What?

The staff. Why would they want to do a thing like that?

Send me to Coventry.

Well, if you really want to know...

I do Laura. I do.

I think the last straw was probably the staff meeting

when you gave out your individual Fitness and Figure targets.

A lot of them were very upset.

Remember? The meeting at the start of the month?

I remember it perfectly, Laura. I'm just trying to remember

if there's anything I might have said that would have upset anyone.

Well...

Hang on. I'm just running it through my mind...

So, we've agreed that one of our responsibilities is to show by example

how much more attractive it is to have a body glowing with health and fitness.

We want people to come in here and say. "Ooh. Look at the physique

on that young person, I wish I looked like that!"

But is that what they say? Do we have the bodies other people really want?

Looking round this room, if we're honest with ourselves,

I'm afraid the answer to that question, in many cases, would have to be

"No we do not thank you very much."

Which is why I have prepared...

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

Alright, Colin.

I woke up with this rather painful septic rash.

It just burst out overnight.

Just sit down, Colin.

I think I'm possibly allergic to the elastic in my new pyjamas.

Colin! -Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Which is why I have prepared a series

of personalised Fitness and Figure targets, Laura...

Now, within these files, you'll find not only some general do's and don'ts,

but also a personalised programme of diet, exercise and mental discipline

that will take each and every one of you, over the next six months,

to your peak of physical well-being.

Yours is a two-year outline, Carole. -Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Now, it's all very simply laid out. On page one,

you'll find a photograph of your physical condition

as it is at this very moment.

Is that Sam? -Indeed. I'm using Samantha's file

as a working example.

Now, if we place the plastic overlay over the photograph like so

you'll see I've marked the areas in need of attention.

In Samantha's case. Sections of flabby thigh here,

poor muscle tone in the abdominal area

and these rather unattractive thick ankles.

Have you got pictures like this of everyone?

Indeed, Laura. Everyone has their own individually tailored target.

Where did you get them from? -You have a problem, Tim?

Yes I do. Where did you get a photograph of me in my underwear?

I'd imagine it was while you were getting changed.

Such are the wonders of modern technology, Tim,

it is now possible, with the aid of a local video shop

to transfer a still frame from the security cameras.

You've been taking photographs of people getting changed?

You're missing the point. They're just bodies. We've seen them all before.

Not mine you haven't!

Oh sh...oh my god!

Ha ha ha ha. Now before anyone gets too excited.

I'd just like to say

nobody is on trial.

This is just a positive programme to make sure we all get

fitter and healthier, which is what we all want, isn't it?

No. I can't think of anything.

Well take my word for it. Very strong feelings were aroused.

'Cause I produced a series of Fitness and Figure targets?

Yes. -But why? They were to help people.

I know you meant well, Mr. Brittas.

Laura, have you any idea how long it took me to prepare those files?

My wife didn't see me for three months!

Fortunately she was very brave and cheerful about it actually.

Sorry I'm late. Just clearing up a bit of congestion with some nasal floss.

He's talking to me. Are you sure you got this right, Laura?

He's management. Mr. Brittas. So am I. We're not included.

You knew about this did you, Colin?

About what, Mr. Brittas?

The staff not talking to me.

I told them you'd notice!

It's despicable when I think of how hard you work

and everything you've done for us...

Alright Colin... -And all they can do is hold their

secret meetings and say those dreadful things about you.

Secret meetings?

I've been so worried, Mr. Brittas. I kept on thinking,

if only there was something I could do to help.

Well there's one thing you can do for a start, Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas? -I want names. Everyone in this building

who's been sending me to Coventry without telling me.

I want you to interview every member staff and make a list.

A list? Right, Mr. Brittas.

I'm just so glad it's all out in the open now.

It's been like some strange evil force

creeping into the life of our once happy Centre.

Just do it will you, Colin?

What exactly have you got in mind?

For people sending you to Coventry. What are you going to do to them?

Do to them? These are sick people. I'm not gonna do anything to them.

Apart from make an appointment for them all with the County psychologist.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dr. Matthew's office.

I'm afraid he's busy at the moment. Can I take a message?

An appointment? Well, there is a waiting list I'm afraid, Mr. Brittas.

Of several months.

Brittas?

I can certainly ask him.

Gordon Brittas, Manager of the leisure centre?

Yes. -I'll take it.

Mr. Brittas! Alan Matthews here.

What sort of problems?

Well I could certainly check anxiety levels if that would help?

Yes. I could be with you in half an hour.

I'll look forward to seeing you.

Half an hour? But... Your appointments...

See if you can juggle them round a bit could you, Debbie?

This is important. You've not heard of him?

Brittas? No.

I remember the day of the opening.

He made the Duchess of Kent pick up a sweet wrapper.

He said it was important people in her position

set an example to the community.

He didn't!? -He did!

I'll get a book out of this one, Debbie.

If not a television series!

Can I have a word, Carole?

Oh Colin. Sorry, I'm just having a bit of a clear-out.

Mr. Brittas wants to know if you're sending him to Coventry?

Well... -Yes?

And no. You see. I want to show solidarity with the staff.

But when Mr. Brittas says, "Carole!" the way he does.

I have to say. "Yes Mr. Brittas. How can I help you?"

So you do talk to him? -Well...

I'll put you down as a "Don't Know.

Thank you, Colin.

Morning Carole, have you got the keys to the exercise room?

Oh yes, Mrs. Brittas, I'll just have a look.

I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of a toy cupboard clear-out.

So I see. -Well, it's for the charity shop.

We have to do our little bit for children less fortunate than ourselves.

Less fortunate than children living in drawers behind a desk?

Exactly. We have to count our blessings, don't we?

Oh. I suppose we do.

It's extraordinary the things they make for children these days, isn't it?

I mean. Look at this! Eew!

Which one's that?

The hairy whatsit thing. Boing! Boing! Ooh. Ooh! It's still turned on!

Here we are. I'm afraid Ben's rather dribbled over those.

Oh that's fine, Carole.

I just want to get everything set up for the antenatal class.

You won't leave it like that, will you?

Like what?

You don't want to waste the batteries. -Batteries? Ooh!

Ooh. Bungey Bear.

We don't want to part with him yet do we, Ben?

Shall we pass him on to the twins?

Emily, your turn next!

Leaves? -Yeah.

But why would anyone send a box of leaves to Brittas?

Perhaps they're poisonous?

If it was Lord Millbanks, he'd have plenty of reasons.

A million and a half reasons to be precise.

That's how much the Rembrandt was worth.

Did Brittas destroy a Rembrandt?

Well, sort of. It was the day of the staff visit to Millbanks' Hall.

Lord Millbanks threw it at Brittas' head.

But it missed, landed up in the fireplace and went up in smoke!

So he really doesn't like him?

He gave up his estate his family had held for eight hundred years

and emigrated, rather than live in the same country as Brittas.

No. If he sent leaves there must be a reason.

Ah, Julie. Mr. Brittas wants a list of all the people

who've been sending him to Coventry.

Yeah you can put me down. -Right.

You can tell him it was my idea. -I'll just put a tick for now.

I've done you two, haven't I?

Yeah. Colin, you know about plants and things?

Why would anyone send a box of leaves to Brittas?

Oh, fascinating!

Borrians Tinnorus, Gavin. A tropical hardwood

whose bark is used by the natives for making sandals

and whose roots are said to be mildly aphrodisiac.

What do the leaves do?

Nothing.

Not highly poisonous?

Used in black magic or anything? -No, no. They're just leaves really.

Though I have heard that some of the tribes use them as a sort of packaging.

When they want to send something delicate and fragile

they want to arrive in peak condition.

But Brittas said there was nothing in there. -Except, half a spider!

And why send Brittas half a spider?

Excuse me?

Oh, welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre, how may I help you?

My name's Matthews. I have an appointment with Mr. Brittas.

Oh right. I'll just see if I can get...

Oh Julie. Could you take this gentleman up to Mr. Brittas' office?

Yeah. Come on.

You could understand it if it was a live one

and highly poisonous. If it was me. I'd have sent two to make sure!

Two what? -Spiders.

Oh! Where? -No, we're just talking about them.

Oh sorry, I just have this thing about spiders.

Even the slightest mention of them makes my scalp crawl.

Don't worry, we won't mention them again.

Thank you. Right. Now... Ben!

So, you reckon this thing will do the trick then, Alan?

It certainly should give us a few clues.

I sincerely hope so!

This Centre means a lot to me, you know? It's not just a place of work.

That's what people don't realise. It's so much more.

And to see my staff frittering away their energies on petty disputes...

It's such a waste! -Sorry to interrupt, Gordon.

Come in, my darling.

I just wondered if you knew where Mrs. Lucas was?

Alan, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife.

Hello. -Hello,

only she's not... -I tell you what Al.

We could try it out on her.

This machine he's got, my darling. It tests anxiety levels.

But I've got my antenatal class, Gordon.

Even better! We could do a sort of before and after.

Measuring how tense you feel now

and how you feel after the session. What about it, Al?

Yes. It should be possible. -Come on, my darling. Sit down.

Here we go. -It won't take too long, will it?

I shouldn't think so, no.

These are just sensors.

They measure the electrical resistance of the skin.

And when he turns it on, you get a buzzing noise.

Now, the lower the noise, the more relaxed you are.

And the higher the noise...

(HIGH PITCHED BUZZING NOISE)

Goodness me. That's quite high, isn't it?

Yes. It is.

I'll be quite honest with you. The only time I've seen a level like this

was on a trip to America. We tested a man on death row.

Are you under some particular strain at the moment, Mrs. Brittas?

Not really. If anything, today's been a rather better day.

I see.

Now, if we try one or two basic relaxation techniques.

That noise should come down a bit. Right?

That's the theory. Yes.

Alright my darling.

Sit back and close your eyes.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES)

Now, I want you to imagine you're on a tropical island.

You and I are skipping along the beach. Suddenly I take your hand.

(PITCH OF BUZZING BECOMES INAUDIBLE)

There. It's stopped!

No. It's gone into ultra-sound.

It's caused a bit of a paper-jam as well.

Oh, it's alright, it's Julie.

That's a relief!

He's brought in a psychologist!

A what? -Brittas.

He's got the County psychologist in his office.

Oh. That's a step in the right direction, isn't it?

Professional help. I've always thought that's what he needed.

It's sad. But I think it's for the best.

It's not for the best. It's for you!

For me? -For all those who sent him to Coventry.

You've got to go and see him in the staffroom.

Why what's he going to do? -Oh lord. He's not gonna clip

high voltage cables to our ears?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Good. Because it doesn't work.

We can't let Brittas go on like this. We've got to make some sort of stand.

But we've already sent him to Coventry.

We need something much more drastic!

Like...

Like total no co-operation. Anything he wants done. Just don't do it!

Well you don't anyway, do you?

I'm talking about combined action, Tim. Everyone working together.

You don't think that's going a bit far? He's only trying to help.

We know he's only trying to help. Nice Mr. Major was only trying to help.

It doesn't work that way, does it?

No. Not always... -One time, Gavin.

You tell me one time when Brittas has helped someone

and his helping has actually helped.

Tell everyone there's a staff meeting after work this evening. Alright?

I'm gonna go phone Brazil. -Where?

Lord Millbanks!

Somebody needs to tell him the box of leaves didn't work...and nobody died.

Laura! Have you seen Mr. Brittas?

Not for an hour or so. Can't you tell by the smile?

He ought to know about the spider.

There was a half-eaten spider in this box from South America

and Linda knows why. -Spider?

You see my brother collects them and it happened to him once.

What did?

Somebody sent him two spiders in the same box.

But when they arrived, one of them had half-eaten the other.

Yes...I'm obviously missing something here.

It means, Laura, there was another spider in this box!

And at this moment it is roaming the Centre. Its fangs filled with venom.

Venom? Who says it's poisonous?

It has to be, doesn't it? Why else would they send it?

It's another assassination attempt, Laura! We have to warn Mr. Brittas!

Hang on Colin. Let's not rush into this. Now,

has anyone found out if this one was dangerous or not?

I can do that. I could phone my brother at the university.

Good idea. -Shouldn't we evacuate the Centre?

Let's wait 'til we hear from Linda.

It's just that I've got a feeling it's round here somewhere.

Well we'll keep our eyes peeled.

So, how do you feel about working in the Leisure Centre?

Oh, it's fine. -The work doesn't worry you at all?

Oh no. I enjoy it!

Good.

And you get on well with other members of staff? No problems there?

Oh no. They're a great crowd.

Right. Well, you seem to have a relaxed and healthy attitude to things.

Ah, there you are! Sorry to interrupt, Al. I need a quick word with young Tim.

Slight panic over the antenatal class. I've asked Penny to lend a hand.

Which means you've just volunteered to do her pool duty!

Now, I realise it is your half day but it's one of those times

where it has to be all hands on the deck!

Comprendez?

Are we perhaps a little overdue for a fresh T-shirt?

Before we go on duty?

Point taken? Good!

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES)

Gordon. What have you done? -Sorry, my darling?

Mrs. Lucas. The antenatal class. Someone said she's gone home.

Mrs. Lucas will not be taking our antenatal classes in future, Helen.

Why not? -I've had to dismiss her.

You've dismissed the most popular antenatal teacher in southern England?

Popular she may be, my darling. But she was a sexist.

What?

How anyone is this day and age can believe that men should be

excluded from the experience of pregnancy...

Is this because she wouldn't let you come into the class?

This is the nineties, Helen.

Childbirth is not just a female experience. It's something

we share. -Oh Gordon...

I'll tell you something, my darling. When you're having our twins,

I'm not gonna be outside in the corridor.

I'm gonna be right in there with you.

You're not, are you?

Yes. I wouldn't miss a moment of it!

So who's taking the class this afternoon?

I am my darling. Come on!

Let's not upset anyone by keeping them waiting.

What's this all about?

I've just been asked to check anxiety levels among the staff.

Find out how they feel about their work.

And that's it?

That's all Mr. Brittas said.

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Get on well with him, do you?

Who? -Mr. Brittas.

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

You enjoy working for him, do you?

It's alright. -You sure about that?

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Can you remember any particular time when he's upset you?

(PITCH OF BUZZING NOISE RISES)

Perhaps.

(RELAXING MUSIC)

And while we're thinking these gentle, positive thoughts, let's remember dad.

Because he sometimes gets left out, doesn't he?

Let's remember Jim. Eh Brenda? And hope his worries

over redundancy in the fall off in the motor trade prove unfounded.

Let's remember Bob shall we, Elaine?

And we all hope you hear some news of him before too long.

Let's all try and forget that these are worrying times

to be bringing a child into the world.

We want to be positive

and not think of all the many things that can go wrong

with the actual birth itself.

Although we will be discussing one or two of those in next week's class.

Oh, Gordon...

Laura, we were right!

What? -About the spider.

My brother recognised it immediately. -And it's not good.

It's a South American tarantula. Probably one of

the world's most poisonous creatures.

And it gets worse. -Worse? -I'm afraid so.

He's quite sure that the only reason there was a half-eaten spider

in the box is that someone sent a mating pair,

and the female has eaten the male.

How revolting! -No. No. That's not the bad bit!

Because they mated, the female tarantula will be looking

for somewhere to have its babies.

They have three hundred at a time.

Do you think we alert the public?

There's not a lot of public to alert, Linda. Apart from the antenatal class,

there's only the two old pensioners in the pool.

But we have to warn them! I'll tell the staff!

Alright. I'd better tell Mr. Brittas.

I'll check the pool. That could be where the spider is, you know.

Apparently they like somewhere warm and damp.

Excuse me. I was looking for Mr. Brittas.

I'll take you. -Oh. Thank you.

You're the psychologist, aren't you?

That's right. -You could be just the person we need.

So on point of release,

what you have is the baby going out like... that!

I think you'll find it's this way.

The rooms are used for other activities during the day sometimes.

For example, this morning, there's an antenatal relaxation class...in here.

(CONFUSION & ARGUING IN THE CLASS)

This is an antenatal relaxation class?

Yes.

Is he normally like this?

Quite a lot I suppose. Yes. Erm. If you don't mind, I'd better...

Yes. Of course.

So, you've checked everyone on the list have you, Alan?

Yes, I have. And I think I've found the answer.

Well that's a relief! Come on. Let's hear it!

I'm afraid the main single cause of stress in this building is yourself.

I know you don't mean to. But unfortunately you seem to have

this uncanny knack of rubbing people up the wrong way.

I hear what you're saying Alan,

but I think you must be missing something, somewhere.

Yes. I thought that might be your reaction.

Which is why I've set up a small experiment.

Experiment?

Next door. It's all ready and waiting.

Right.

Everything alright, Julie? -Oh yes. Thank you.

Good. Now,

all I want you to do is to talk to Julie without raising her stress level.

Talk? What about? -Anything you like.

Just try and keep off anything which might make her upset or angry.

That's all? -That's all.

Sounds easy enough.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES RAPIDLY)

Hang on. I haven't said anything yet!

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it. -Don't worry. Relax.

(PITCH OF BUZZING DECREASES)

Okay, Mr. Brittas. Try again.

(PITCH OF BUZZING RISES RAPIDLY)

That's not fair! She didn't give me a chance!

Let's go and talk about it in your office. Hmm?

I don't understand. I mean, I love my staff. Why would I want to upset them?

I know. -I mean, this place is everything to me.

It's what I've always wanted. It's my dream.

Yes, I think that might be the trouble.

What. My dream? How?

Well, in my experience, dreams can be very dangerous.

I sometimes think we'd be better off without them.

But, you've got to have a dream! Everyone does. Don't you?

Not like yours, no.

I have a dream of sorts, about moving to the country and keeping horses.

It doesn't involve anyone else.

I'm not talking about keeping horses. I'm talking about changing people's lives,

changing the way people think,

changing the whole direction of civilisation.

I know. -Isn't it worthwhile?

All I'm saying is that it makes life difficult for the people around you.

So you think I should abandon my dream?

Yes. Yes, I think that would be the answer.

Just give it up?

Yes! If you forgot about world peace and fostering the brotherhood of man

and just ran a sports centre, I think everything would be fine.

But, what if I'm right?

What if my dream is a good dream that really will help people?

It's always possible. I don't have all the answers, Mr. Brittas.

But I do, you see. That's why I'm the manager.

You'd better come quickly, Mr. Brittas.. -What is it?

It's Colin. He's been bitten by a spider!

A spider? Excuse us, Al.

He's in here, Mr. Brittas.

Colin, you alright?

Not too bad thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin said you've been bitten by a spider. Wasn't it poisonous?

Oh, extremely poisonous, Mr. Brittas.

According to Linda's brother, I have three and a half minutes left to live.

Three and a half minutes?

Actually, it's three now, Mr. Brittas.

Are you sure? He looks perfectly alright to me!

It takes a while for the symptoms to take effect.

What symptoms? -Well death, mostly.

Could I just say, in the few moments remaining to me,

how very much I've enjoyed working with you all here...

Colin... -I've never had family and friends.

Not at the moment please, Colin. Has anyone called an ambulance?

They'll be here any minute but...

Laura told them what spider it was but apparently the nearest antidote

is at the Tropical Disease Centre in Birmingham.

You mean there's nothing we can do?

Not unless someone sucks out the poison, Mr. Brittas.

That would help? Well why hasn't anyone done it?

It's not as simple as that.

The spider was looking for somewhere warm and damp to lay its eggs...

And it found Colin's trousers.

Now you take care of yourself, alright Colin?

One of us will be in to see you this evening...out you go.

Laura, you'd better make out a rota, or we'll get no visitors at all.

Alright, Mr. Brittas.

Going to be alright, is he? -Think so Linda. Yes.

But our big problem is who's going to take over his pool duty this evening?

Oh, I could do that, Mr. Brittas. -I thought it was your half day, Tim?

Oh that's alright. Anything to help! -Well thank you.

I'll make out that visiting rota. -Very kind of you, Julie.

And I'll do it in triplicate. I know you like it that way.

Well thank you. -Your jacket, Mr. Brittas.

I gave it a bit of a brush down. And if there's nothing else,

I think we'd all better get back to work.

(ALL) Yes. Back to work!

(KNOCK KNOCK)

The hospital's rung. -He's alright?

Sort of.

They say he's got very high toxicity levels,

but apparently that's nothing to do with the spider.

Good.

Dr. Matthews has gone, has he?

Yes. -Did he say anything? Make any suggestions?

Nothing very practical I'm afraid, Laura.

Well, I'd better get on home then.

Tell me something, Laura.

I have got this right, have I? I spent every evening for three months

devising a self-improvement plan for my staff

and they respond by sending me to Coventry?

Well they were very upset, Mr. Brittas.

I then spend thirty seconds on the floor of the restroom

sucking out a bit of poison.

Something anyone would have done in the circumstances

and suddenly I'm Mr. Wonderful!

Yes. -Can you work out the logic of that?

Erm...

Honestly, Laura, I sometimes wonder if I really understand people at all.