Original subtitles

Carole?

Mr Brittas?

Carole, Carole, Carole.

This isn't gonna help is it?

Well...

We admitted only yesterday we had a weight problem, didn't we Carole?

Yes, yes, yes, oh yes.

And we said we wanted to do something about it, didn't we?

We said we wanted to be slim, lithe, attractive.

Yes Mr Brittas.

And is this on the diet sheet that I gave you?

No Mr Brittas.

No Mr Brittas, it is not.

Your wife's upstairs Mr Brittas.

Ah, Laura.

I've shown her into your office.

Thank you Laura.

Perhaps you can inform Carole

that sandwiches made from corn beef and,

what's this stuff?

They're leaves, Mr Brittas.

Colin gave them to me. They're very tasty.

Colin? Gave you what exactly?

These!

They're medicinal.

I'm supposed to have a few leaves before each meal.

Oh Mr Brittas, thank goodness I've found you.

Colin, do I gather you're responsible for these?

What? -This barrel load of plants.

Oh those, you mean Scrophularia nodosa, Mr Brittas?

Commonly known as figwort.

Fascinating Colin, but this is a leisure centre Reception

not Kew Gardens.

Are you sure they're safe?

They've been used since the time of the druids, Laura.

Culpepper speaks very highly of them.

This is one of your hippy friends is it, Colin?

He's a 17th century herbalist, Mr Brittas,

he said that Figwort was the ideal thing

for women in Carole's...

Women like Carole.

Well Mr Culpepper didn't have a reception desk to keep mud off, did he?

Now could someone take the...

What's that smell?

It could be my shoe, Mr Brittas.

Colin, is that what I think it is?

Quite possibly, Mr Brittas.

You see, that's what I came to tell you.

There's this cow in the car park.

A cow?

Oh Gordon, there you are.

With you in one moment my darling.

What cow?

It's just a cow, it's tied to the back of a Land Rover.

Are you free for a moment Gordon?

You'll have to bear with me my darling,

while I consult the Council by-laws on this one.

It won't take very long.

I thought so.

Come with me, Colin.

Just a few minutes.

Looking forward to it my darling, I'll be right back.

Perhaps Laura can entertain you in the cafeteria.

Don't worry Laura, I brought a book.

We have a problem do we?

Ah, no, it's alright thanks,

I got a puncture just outside your entrance.

Just getting the spare on then I'll be on my way.

And we're planning to leave this animal here while we do it, are we?

Yes, I think so.

No, no, no, quite impossible I'm afraid.

Is it?

Three major stumbling blocks spring to mind.

One, this is a Council building and under existing by-laws

I'm legally entitled to shoot that animal for trespass.

Two, if you look down,

you'll notice that you've parked over a yellow line

thereby rather selfishly occupying two spaces in a car park

specifically designed for customers of the leisure centre.

I'm sorry. I thought that...

And thirdly, and this, of course, is my main concern,

is the health hazard.

The what?

Quite apart from any diseases your animal

may or may not have brought in itself,

there's that.

That's not a health hazard, that's a cow pat.

That won't hurt no one.

Would that we could all be so sure.

Children use this centre you know.

Quite often young children.

Suppose some toddler mistook that for a pudding and ate it?

I must say, I hadn't thought of that.

Those, if I may say so,

are the words on many a tombstone.

I -- hadn't -- thought -- of -- that.

Now, perhaps I could make a suggestion?

I can't wait.

My deputy here will take the animal

around to the back of the building out of harm's way.

It's a very big animal, Mr Brittas.

Just do it, will you Colin.

In the meantime, I shall get one of my staff

to bring you out a bucket and some disinfectant.

Carole, I thought we'd agreed to move these?

Yes Mr Brittas.

Patrick?

Yes, we need your skills out in the car park I'm afraid.

A cow pat.

Well I'm telling you because I'd like you to move it.

I suggest some water and some toilet freshener.

Yes I know you're the badminton coach

and a very good one Patrick,

but someone's gotta move this cow pat.

Because I'm the manager and that is not the tone of voice I expect...

Hello?

They're still here, Carole.

Sorry?

The plants.

Yes, I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy while I'm...

It's my back.

Get someone from the rest room to help you.

Linda?

Hello Linda.

Could you bring some disinfectant

and a bucket down to Reception?

Nothing serious, Linda,

I'll explain when you get here, alright?

Good girl.

Carole?

I thought I'd do a bit of tidying first, Mr Brittas.

Now, if you don't mind please, Carole.

Yes Mr Brittas.

Laura?

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

You know we've been rather concerned about Carole putting on weight recently?

Yes Mr Brittas?

It strikes me that there might be another explanation.

That book of Colin's.

It was figwort, wasn't it?

What was?

The plant he's been giving Carole.

Here we are, figwort, fluxes of the nose,

dropsy, I knew it.

"Being of benefit when given to woman with child."

There. -That's odd.

Very odd, her husband's been in Spain for the last year.

No, no, I meant the book.

It actually says, when given to a woman with child

who...

Who?

The next page is missing.

Laura, I think you're missing the point.

What I'm saying is that Carole is rather more than overweight.

What do you think?

I think Carole's expecting a baby, Mr Brittas.

Right. Carole, over here please.

Yes Mr Brittas.

Over here please, now.

Laura thinks you might be pregnant. Is this true?

Gavin?

Yes?

I've got the photos. -Photos?

From Bill and Jack's anniversary. I've just picked them up.

Oh yeah.

Found a couple of nice ones of you, thought we might get them framed.

So Carole, before we start,

I want you to know we're only here to help.

Thank you Mr Brittas.

Your sexual morals Carole, or lack of them,

are entirely your own business.

If you wanna sleep around, it's up to you.

I have no intention of using my position

as your employer to lecture you about the things

I personally hold dear, such as fidelity,

family values, loyalty.

You're very kind, Mr Brittas.

As I say Carole, we're only here to help.

Though I might add, you've really dropped yourself in it this time, haven't you?

You were going to ask Carole if she needed any medical help,

weren't you Mr Brittas?

Quite right, Laura.

What does the doctor say, Carole?

Well, I don't know.

I haven't actually seen one.

I've been meaning to make an appointment.

You haven't seen a doctor? How many months is it?

Thirty six weeks, Mr Brittas.

What does that mean?

It means about two weeks to go.

You're eight and a half months' pregnant

and you haven't seen a doctor?

I suppose I hoped it would go away.

Number one, see a doctor.

Right, what about the father?

I don't know.

Will he stand by you? Can he afford maintenance?

No, I mean, I don't know who it is.

Well, can you narrow it down to two or three possibilities?

There was only one, Mr Brittas.

I just don't know who he was.

How can you not know?

Coffee you two?

Oh, thanks.

You'll need it Tim. Your interview's in half an hour.

What?

With Brittas, he's just found out about Carole

and he wants to interview all the men.

All of us?

What for?

He's looking for the father.

It says here, we're to bring along any diaries,

journals, personal papers,

and bank statements relating to the period

between December the 15th of last year

and January the 14th of this.

Please be prompt and on time.

Oh, he's very determined on this one, Gavin.

That's why we have...

Dah-dah!

Oh no! Not the lie detector again.

Afraid so.

But it doesn't even work.

Remember when someone let the air out of his tyres

and he said everyone was lying.

Well we were, weren't we?

I wouldn't worry too much about the lie detector,

you've got blood tests tomorrow

and the hypnotist on Thursday.

Why does he want to see the women as well?

Well, we get a reward, you know,

if we can give any information.

Which reminds me, would you mind if I said

I'd see you holding hands? -Who with?

Well, Carole.

You haven't have you?

No, it's just that I'm a bit short this month,

I could do with the 20 quid.

I'm afraid we need some more milk.

Oh, I'll get that.

So, what time does this all begin then?

[Mooing]

You're not gonna believe this.

How do people do it, Laura?

Do what, Mr Brittas?

How does anyone contemplate bringing a child

into the world with the words,

"I suppose I hoped it would go away."

People's lives don't always run to plan, Mr Brittas.

Children, Laura, are our one glimpse of eternity.

Aren't they just?

To produce a new life in one's own image.

To pass on one's own genetic abilities.

To make sure the line doesn't die out.

I tell you Laura, if only I had children.

You've got three, Mr Brittas.

Three wonderful boys, Laura,

and I'm very proud to be a father to them.

But they're not mine.

They're in fact, Helen's, from a previous relationship.

Mrs Brittas was married before?

Twice.

I'm afraid little Helen hasn't had much luck with men.

No.

Still, Carole's our problem at the moment.

The big question is, what are we gonna do?

Mr Brittas!

Sorry Mr Brittas, but you'd better come quickly. It's gone!

Let's take this one step at a time shall we Colin.

What's gone?

The cow.

I took it around the back of the building

and I blocked it in with a sort of corral of cars.

But it's disappeared.

That Mr Franklin's furious.

Well frankly, that's his problem.

It's not just the cow Mr Brittas,

it's carrying this very valuable calf.

Unfortunately, we have other pregnant livestock

to worry about at the moment, Colin.

Sorry?

Mr Brittas has just found out

that Carole's expecting a baby.

Oh.

And the big question is, what are we going to do?

Have you tried the Bible, Mr Brittas?

I think it's a little bit late for that Colin.

No, no, I mean you can ask it for advice.

Can you?

Oh yes.

Like when I was wondering whether I should come and work here.

I just shut my eyes, opened the Bible,

pointed down and there it was, the story of Balaam's donkey.

Right?

You see, God was telling me

to get off me arse and start moving.

It's very reassuring to know

you were sent here by divine guidance Colin, but...

I think you should try it, Mr Brittas.

You see, you just let it fall open,

you point -- with your finger,

down at the page,

and whatever it says, that's your message for today.

And Herat begat Ahaz

who begat Jahu who begat Namon.

I think we'll get all our advice from the social services if you don't mind, Colin.

Laura, could you phone the health centre?

Yes, I'll do that right away Mr Brittas.

Which do you want first, the good news or the bad?

Julie?

Well, they found the cow.

The bad news is, nobody knows how to get it

back down the stairs.

What?

It's outside the squash courts.

On the first floor?

That's a spiral staircase.

Never mind.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Oh Gordon, have you got a moment?

Sorry darling, a bit of a panic. Get Julie to do you a coffee.

Thank you, Gordon.

Will he be long?

Well there's a cow loose on the first floor.

Ah.

Can I get you anything?

No, no, I'm fine.

Plucky little Tabitha's just buying her first haberdashery shop in Derbyshire.

Oh good.

I'll make it a jug of coffee.

Ah, Linda.

You'll never guess what I've just seen Mr Brittas?

Where's the cow?

In there.

How did he know?

I suppose that's why he's the manager.

Good grief.

What is going on in here?

Get it out.

Get -- it -- out!

Gordon, is it?

Now look here Mr Franklin,

I don't know what your game is

but I want you and Buttercup here,

out of my building, out of my car park...

What are you doing?

She's gone into labour.

What?

I think it's a breech.

You better call a vet.

A vet?

You can't have a calf in here, this is a squash court.

You have a better idea?

Of course. -- You...

you could, you could...

I suggest you call a vet,

because if I lose this calf,

I will personally sue you for every penny you possess.

Linda, get me a phone book will you?

Oh, Gordon.

Sorry darling, quick phone call to make.

Look, I don't mean to nag, Gordon,

but we really should talk.

Mr Garrick?

It's the leisure centre here.

I have a cow about to give birth in one of my squash courts.

Well the farmer seemed to think it's an emergency.

Would you?

I'd be very grateful.

Thanks, bye.

Darling, you haven't the faintest idea.

Is everything alright?

Oh wonderful.

The first shop was such a success, she's bought two more.

Though I'm a bit worried about the insurance.

Oh no. -What?

Oh, poor girl.

A fire.

Back to square one.

Have a doughnut.

Mr Brittas, I think you should really...

I'm sorry Laura, Culpepper will have to wait.

Mr Brittas, this isn't Colin's copy,

I got a friend to get a copy from the library

to see what it said on the missing page.

Look.

Laura, we have a crisis on in the squash courts.

I still think you should read this.

"Being of particular benefit when given to woman

with child who has gone out of her time."

What's that supposed to mean?

It means this is a herb

for women who are overdue, Mr Brittas.

It sends them into labour.

That explains it!

Colin!

What?

Colin was bleating on about

someone eating all his figwort.

It was the cow.

That's why it's doing it in my squash court.

It's Colin's fault.

I don't think that's the main problem Mr Brittas.

Don't you?

Have you ever seen a cow give birth?

Mr Brittas, I think the real problem

is how many leaves did Carole have?

Carole?

Carole.

Tim, have you seen Carole?

Not since she went to the pool.

The pool?

Is she alright?

I think so. She said she was feeling restless

and wanted to work off some excess energy with a swim.

You'd better come with us.

I'm fine.

How are you feeling Carole, everything okay?

Alright are you Carole?

Yes.

I think the baby's coming.

What, in the pool?

My waters have gone.

Are you sure Carole?

There's a lot of water already in there.

Is something wrong, Carole? -I've just got to get out of this costume.

Don't let her undress for heaven's sake, Laura.

It's probably the only thing keeping it in.

Sorry I'm late Mr Brittas,

I got here as quick as I could.

Colin?! -The main things I'm gonna need

is plenty of hot water and all the towels you can find.

Hello Carole.

Er, Colin? -Yes Mr Brittas?

What do you think you're doing? -I can do it Mr Brittas, honestly.

You are not delivering a baby, Colin.

I've been on a course.

I've got a certificate.

I don't care how qualified you are Colin,

no baby in my centre is being brought into this world

by a man who's had a septic hand for the past two years.

Please Mr Brittas.

Just let me, just this once.

I can do it better than any of you.

No one is gonna do it Colin.

I'm gonna call an ambulance

and you are gonna help Gavin pull Carole out of the pool...

On second thoughts, I'm putting you in charge

of keeping the children away, alright? Tim?

Yes Mr Brittas.

I want you to help Gavin pull Carole

out of the pool and get her in to...

The sauna's free.

Right, the sauna.

Quiet as you can, we must avoid

any undue attention, alright?

Carole?

Sorry Mr Brittas.

Just get her out of there.

Oh Gordon, could this be a better time?

Emergency services?

Not a better time.

An ambulance please.

Be right with you my darling.

Yes we need an ambulance immediately at the leisure centre please.

Excuse me?

15 minutes?

I'm sorry, that's quite impossible,

she'll have given birth by then.

Well I suggest you go and find out.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

He's got an emergency.

Right, thanks.

I think that's why I'm here.

What?

If you'd like to show me where the cow is?

Do you mind?

Cow?

I'm the vet.

Vet?

Vet! Perfect.

Well not perfect, but close, very close.

Come with me, I'll explain on the way.

Darling, could you man the desk?

Could you take over until I get someone else?

Oh right.

And don't sell any tickets for the sauna.

No.

And we're having a clamp down on black plimsolls, they leave marks.

Right.

And don't forget to check for chewing gum!

What's happened to that vet?

I'm sure he won't be long now.

He said he'd be here in 10 minutes.

If she doesn't get expert attention in the next 20 minutes...

Where's he got to?

So, I said to her, now look,

I'm a gynaecologist not a blacksmith.

Oi. You there! -Yes?

Are you a gynaecologist?

Yes. -Then you've gotta help.

Yes, well perhaps you'd like to ring

and make an appointment with my secretary.

No, no, I need you in there, now.

It's a breech.

What!

Oh,

it's a cow.

Well it can't be all that different.

Well, unfortunately you see, it's a question of medical ethics.

Now I cannot interfere with another doctor's patient.

No, no, you don't understand.

That animal has just won Best of Breed at the Royal,

it's worth...

Look, I'll give you 250 pounds now,

and the same again after a safe delivery.

Erm.

Something's just cropped up Peter.

Good game, I'll see you next week, yeah?

Ah, right.

Now, let's have a look shall we?

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Yes, perhaps you'd like to go down to my car in the car park.

It's the blue Mercedes.

Hello, I'm Doctor Newcome.

Breathe.

Alright Carole, there's nothing to worry about,

we've got you a doctor.

Now just you do what he tells you, alright?

And keep the noise down.

Remember, there's people outside trying to enjoy a swim.

Right Sidney, she's all yours.

And wash your hands. She's bitten one of us already.

Mr Brittas?

Is he alright?

What do you mean?

The doctor, he's a bit...

Have you seen his fingernails?

As it happens Laura, he isn't a doctor.

He's not?

I don't want Carole to find out. He's a vet.

A vet!

Keep your voice down, Laura.

We don't have any choice.

The ambulance can't get here for another 10 minutes.

Oh my God, poor Carole!

Look, he's top of the range.

He's done two foals for a Saudi Arabian prince already this morning.

Anyway, it's the best we can do.

Ah, Sidney, how's it going?

Well, she's in advanced labour.

You mean she's gonna have it here?

Quite possibly.

Right, what do we do?

What?

What do you normally do first?

Normally? I'm a vet.

Normally I spread out the bale of straw, and get ready with a knotted rope.

I'll get some towels then, shall I? Just in case.

Good thinking Laura. Sidney?

I was wondering, would it help if we got her up on all fours?

Well, if she's the other way around it might help you get your bearings.

I think I can manage, thank you Mr Brittas.

We'll leave you to it then, Sidney.

Carole?

Just you behave yourself.

Remember what I said earlier,

pain is all in the mind.

Thank you, Mr. Brittaaaaaaaaaaaaa-----ss.

Ah this is wonderful this second movement, isn't it?

Are you gonna be long?

We did book from 3:30 you know?

Is she alright?

Physically fine, Gavin,

otherwise, rather letting the side down, I'm afraid.

How do you mean?

Non-stop moaning and complaining, Tim.

Twice I've had to go in there and warn her to mind her language.

It can't be easy for her Mr Brittas,

I mean, she's no anaesthetic...

It's not drugs she needs, Tim, is it? -Isn't it?

It's the baby's father she needs.

If he was in there now, mopping her brow,

holding her hand, murmuring a few words of encouragement,

I tell you, that'd be worth more than a hundred anaesthetics.

Yes, I'm sure you're right Mr Brittas.

We don't know who the father is though, do we Mr Brittas?

Not yet, Gavin.

Not yet.

Nearly there.

Does anyone have a box of matches?

Matches?

What's happened?

His pipe's gone out.

Oh and he says can you turn the sauna down a bit.

Would you Gavin?

It's days like this when I have a sneaking nostalgia for the old days

when a girl's father would march round,

stick a shotgun under someone's nose

and march him off down the church.

They didn't need anaesthetics in those days, I tell ya.

Has she really no idea who it is?

Just that it's someone from this centre, Tim.

Could be anyone.

Could be either of you two.

Er, I don't think so Mr Brittas.

We'll soon see what the hypnotist has to say about that, shall we?

It's a boy!

Isn't he beautiful?

Yes, very satisfactory.

I couldn't have done it without you of course.

I didn't do anything really.

You have very steady hands.

How about we celebrate tonight?

A little dinner?

Well, I...

No, no, don't worry. You'll be perfectly safe.

I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry Helen.

I can take over now.

Is everything alright?

Oh yes, yes.

She's had a little boy.

I saw the ambulance men go through.

Laura, I wonder, could you give this to my husband?

Yes, of course.

It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper

and I'm pregnant.

You're what?

Well, after today's events,

I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value

but someone ought to tell him.

Helen, that's wonderful!

Is it?

I suppose so.

I just keep worrying that maybe it's genetic.

What? -You know, Gordon.

I mean, what if the babies turn out like him?

Babies?

Oh yes, you might mention that as well,

it's twins.

Gosh!

I knew it would be,

they've always been in Gordon's family,

well, the last four generations anyway.

So much for natural selection, eh?

Twins.

It's twins!

You shouldn't have left when you did Laura,

there was another one just after you'd gone.

Another!

Good job we had that vet.

He said he always checks for that sort of thing.

Something to do with Labradors.

Gordon?

This is the one I helped with darling.

I saw the whole thing.

I even held one of the towels.

Unbelievable.

Best thing I've ever seen.

You can bring him out to the ambulance Mr Brittas.

Right, just coming Sidney.

Can you imagine the father missing a thing like that, eh?

Twins! What a coincidence.

Not really.

Oh, it must be.

It was an accident, Laura.

What?

Mr Brittas, surely, he wouldn't?

You remember the New Year's Eve party at Julie's?

The fancy dress?

Yes, well --

I went as a tiger.

Oh God!

So did Carole.

Exactly.

Gordon's always been very sentimental about tiger skins.

Something to do with the car seats in his first Hillman.

He thought it was you?

I mean, upstairs, all that note business and everything?

Yes, yes, I mean, I only found out a couple of months later.

It was after one of our marriage guidance sessions

and Gordon said that New Year had been the most wonderful night of his life.

Well, I knew something must have happened.

He doesn't know?

You haven't told him?

Well, I thought about that for a long time

but in the end I thought,

if I was Carole, I'd rather not know.

What a day eh?

Yes.

Could you check all's well in the squash court, Laura?

Would you believe, my darling,

we just had a little calf up there.

Tell him I'll be up to see it any second, Laura, alright?

Yes Mr Brittas.

It's extraordinary, isn't it?

Do you know, I actually envy that girl.

Who?

Carole.

She's got no home, no money, and no job now,

because obviously I have to dismiss her.

But through all that, I envy her.

Gordon, I think...

To bring new life into the world,

it's like looking down the tunnel of time.

There's nothing like it Helen.

When you know your own race is run,

the fruit of your loins is down on the track,

waiting to take on the battle

of the great four by four hundred of life.

Yes.

Having your own flesh and blood to carry on the dream.

That's what's important Helen, the dream.

A dream that one day...

Gordon?

Yes my love?

Sit down Gordon.

Now Gordon, there's something I've got to tell you.

It's not fish cakes again, is it? -No.

And Herat begat Ahaz

who begat Jahu who begat Namon.

And his children were numbered as the sands of the desert

and the stars of the sky.

And lo, they multiplied, and were very fruitful,

and went among the nations

until the covered the face of the Earth.