Original subtitles

They're all waiting for you, Mr. Brittas.

Sorry?

The foot inspection, downstairs.

Everyone's waiting.

Yes, I've got rather a lot on my plate at the moment, Laura.

Do you think you could look after it for me?

I'm not really sure I'm qualified to inspect feet, Mr. Brittas.

Colin perhaps?

If you remember, it was Colin's feet you wanted to see.

You said it would be more tactful to look at everyone's,

so he didn't think he was being picked on.

Well if you don't mind Laura,

I've got rather more urgent matters to attend to today than Colin's feet.

I think we discovered the solution to our difficulties.

Which particular difficulties do you have in mind, Mr. Brittas?

Has it ever occurred to you Laura,

that this centre has more than its fair share of upsets,

emotional disturbances, accidents?

You mean the fights.

That sort of thing, Laura, yes.

Well, I think I've discovered the cause.

Oh, good.

And I thought we could discuss it

over a head of departments meeting, say 9 o'clock?

Right, I'll just tell everyone to put their socks back on, and I'll be straight up.

How'd it go last night?

Sorry?

The Rotarian dinner in the sports hall?

Oh, not too bad.

Any problems?

One or two little hiccups, but I managed to sort them out.

Good.

Hello Mrs. Brittas.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just putting on my tights.

Is my husband around, do you know, Carole?

Sorry?

Well I'm just a bit concerned, I don't think he came home last night.

Really?

Laura said he was in his office.

Hello, Mr. Brittas?

I have your wife down here in Reception.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm afraid he's started a very important meeting

but he said, to give you a pound from petty cash,

so you can get yourself a doughnut, and a hot chocolate from the canteen.

And he'll be down soon as he's finished.

My lucky day.

Oh Mrs. Brittas, if you'll just sign this I.O.U.

You still keeping your baby in that drawer Carole?

Oh no, Mrs. Brittas, I took your advice

about giving Ben more space. So I put him in the cupboard.

And there's a lot more room in there and I promise...

I didn't mean to interfere,

I just wondered if you knew about the mouse.

Mouse?

Well I saw a mouse when I came in

it ran across the floor, and ran behind the desk there.

Really?

It's just with small babies, you know

you probably ought to be careful. Hygiene and all.

Yes, of course.

I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Brittas,

I got a bit held up in Casualty.

Jolly good Colin, if you'd like to take a seat.

I won't, if you don't mind, Mr. Brittas.

Are you all right Colin? -Fine, fine thank you Laura, but

I've just had this acupuncture needle

surgically removed from the base of my spine.

It's my own fault,

I quite forgot I'd put it there til I sat on my motorbike.

Just sit down will you Colin?

I'll try perching on the edge, shall I Mr. Brittas?

Sorry about that Mr. Brittas.

Right, thank you now,

I've been giving a lot of thought recently,

to these disturbances we keep having.

You mean the fights?

What puzzles me, is how many normally sane

and sensible people, come into The Centre,

and before you know it, they're squabbling, being abusive,

hitting each other, striking members of staff.

Like the woman yesterday.

Precisely.

What woman?

She came in for the "make a friend" open morning,

and someone, asked if she realised how much hair she had on her upper lip.

Just a little joke, to keep things relaxed.

And she lashed out with a frozen chicken.

I see.

I'm glad you do Colin.

There's something definitely very strange going on round here,

and I think I know where the fault lies.

It's in the building.

The what?

Sick Building Syndrome, Laura, SBS.

It was this article in "The Mail on Sunday"

that gave me the clue.

Apparently it's caused by the design of many modern buildings.

I thought that was people working at computer screens all day long.

Not just that Laura, no.

The building, the heating, the lighting,

the ventilation systems, could be the root of our problem.

I've managed to trace a firm of consultants.

Are you all right, Mr. Brittas?

Sorry?

It's just I thought...

Yes?

Nothing.

Anyway, they're sending us one of their top men

a Mr. Graham Hanson, who'll be here at 11.

So I want the staff to give him full cooperation

while he's in the building, alright?

Right Mr. Brittas.

I shan't be able to greet him myself

but I'd like you Laura, to keep an eye out for him, and show him up.

I'll keep an eye out too.

Indeed Colin.

Any questions?

Well.

Yes Laura.

Mr. Brittas, why have you got your feet in a cardboard box?

Right.

Your husband sends his apologies Helen,

and asked me to offer you another doughnut.

Oh. He's all right is he Laura?

Only someone gave us a bit of bother at the dinner last night.

Bother?

The Rotarians.

Someone said he'd interrupted one of the speeches

to complain about the misuse of the lavatories.

Well...

Something about people not lifting the seat.

It's not true is it?

Yes it is.

Oh no.

And he came back again during the loyal toast.

Oh God.

To give the president a mop and a list of offenders.

Then he sent everyone else home.

What did they do to him?

Well, we're not entirely sure, but he's got a plaster here, on his hand,

so, we think a couple of the doctors

from the health centre gave him an injection.

And, well anyway, he doesn't remember anything

till the cleaners woke him up at 7:30.

I see.

Why does he do it? -Oh, God knows.

He must know people don't like it.

Hasn't anyone have ever told him?

Told him what?

That he doesn't listen.

That he doesn't hear the danger signs.

We've all tried Laura.

The problem is getting him to stay in one place

long enough, to get the message through.

Well, I think that might be easier at the moment.

Do you?

They set his feet in concrete.

It's not ordinary concrete, is it?

Let me have a go.

No wait, Tim, I've waited a long time for a chance like this.

I think I've lost a filling.

Doesn't seem to be doing anything, does it?

I know what it is.

What?

I've been trying to think what you remind me of.

Put you in a pair of shorts

and we'll be all set for a game of "Subbuteo".

Julie, I realise some people,

that can see the humorous side of this,

but I'd be grateful if we could dispense

with the witticisms about not having a leg to stand on,

keeping both feet on the ground.

Putting our best foot forward.

Perhaps we should call the fire brigade.

No! -I'm sure they'd be able to cut you out.

I'm not having the fire brigade here again, Linda.

Those photographs they keep taking are not for training purposes.

They sell them to the newspapers.

You're putting your foot down are you Mr. Brittas?

Julie.

Sorry.

Look, shall I cancel the sick building man?

Absolutely not.

If anything, this sort of thing shows just how serious the situation's become.

Rotarians, don't normally behave like this, you know.

I know someone who's a stone mason.

He may be able to help.

Not necessary, Linda.

It's just a little bit of cement, it won't take long.

Webster's bund fast.

Pardon?

It's what they must have used. I found it in the basket.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere, this should tell us how to get rid of it.

Webster's bund fast, liquid steel, sets in seconds.

If this product fails within 25 -- years

we replace...

Get the stonemason Linda.

Hello?

Hello.

Welcome to the Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre.

How may I help you?

I was looking, I was looking for the manager,

I think he's expecting me.

I spoke to him on the phone.

Mr. Hanson? -Yes.

Laura Lancing, deputy manager.

Mr. Brittas is expecting you.

Can I help you with your cases? -No, no, I'll manage thank you.

My instruments are mostly, rather fragile.

Are they?

Oh dear! Still you know, if you'd like to come with me.

Mr. Hanson, I wonder, would you mind showing yourself up?

It's top of stairs first on the right.

I just have to have a word with our receptionist.

Something the matter Carole?

It's that mouse, it's in there with Ben.

Mouse? -Well it's all my fault.

It's the crumbs from his rusk, you see

they're all over the floor and I just missed him again.

Oh no wait a minute. -What?

Look.

Oh.

They're playing together.

Yes.

You know what Carole?

I think Ben's found a friend.

But it's a mouse.

I don't think Ben minds.

Let's face it, he's probably glad of the company.

Come on he has lots of friends in there. He's got all his toys.

Yes.

But I think he prefers the mouse.

Come in.

Mr. Hanson.

Ah splendid, come along in Graham.

Gordon Brittas, glad you could make it.

How do you do.

Take a seat Graham.

Coffee? -Thank you.

So can I ask, have you noticed anything yet?

Well, um...

About the building.

Any signs to the expert eye on your way up?

Oh, I see.

Well, it's not usually things you can see,

one has to, take measurements.

Milk? -Thank you, yes.

One has to check,

I use a modified gas spectrometer connected to a small...

That's fascinating, Graham.

Sugar?

Two lumps, thank you.

Anyway, it's not till you've taken the measurements

that you can calculate such things.

Can I suggest something Graham?

Of course, Mr. Brittas, client input's very important.

Can I suggest one lump instead of two?

Sorry?

It's just, you're in here doing something for us,

why not let us do something for you?

Like help you cut back on the old sugar intake, eh?

What?

Well it's not just the teeth that suffer Graham,

it's heart, lungs, blood,

and let's face it, you are looking a little pasty, aren't you?

Thank you.

Not at all.

Right, let's get back to the problem.

What's the best way to start?

Ah well I usually...

I think the first thing to do,

is take you on a tour of the building,

then at least you'll understand what the problem is.

I've found it, Mr. Brittas.

I've found it Mr. Brittas.

It's outside.

Colin, this is Mr. Graham Hanson.

The man who's gonna cure our building.

Oh, that's wonderful.

And how exactly, are you going to do that, Mr. Hanson?

Ah, well...

Plants Colin,

Graham is gonna introduce us to various new types of plant

which will increase the ionisation of the atmosphere.

Right, Graham?

Well, that's sometimes part of the solution.

It's a little more complicated...

Well, no point sitting around here all day, let's go do it shall we?

Finish your coffee Graham.

Interestingly enough Graham, I'm pretty sure my own predicament is a result of SBS.

You think so?

Well you tell me, do Rotarians normally behave like this?

Not usually, no.

Precisely, something must've made them do it.

Yes.

In here Colin.

Follow me Graham.

You don't mind starting here, do you?

Oh no of course, I'll start setting up.

Good, it's just I've got a rather urgent errand to fulfil.

Straight ahead, Colin.

You're not expecting me to do it from here, are you Colin?

It's the step Mr. Brittas,

how would you like slide forward until...

Let's try one of the cubicles, shall we?

Right, facing forward Mr. Brittas, or would you

like me to turn you round so you can sit down? -Just get me in there please.

Excuse me.

Yes you with the squash racket.

Forward Colin.

I wonder, do you realise exactly how dangerous that is?

What?

Swinging your squash racket in a confined space.

Supposing some small child came running in here looking for its father.

You could slammed it in its jaw and disfigured it for life.

There's nobody here.

But there could have been.

Statistics show there's one accident per year

in a leisure centre with a squash racket.

Oh do they really?

Oh, dear well let's do our bit for safety, shall we?

There, one accident with a squash racket.

Now I suppose we can relax for the rest of the year, can't we?

Now Graham, I'm glad you witnessed that.

Little outbursts like that, are all too common here,

and of course it's innocent bystanders like yourself, who get hurt.

What?

That is your jacket, isn't it?

My pen.

He's broken my pen.

Precisely.

My grandmother gave me that pen.

I don't suppose you're too pleased about the jacket either.

He's probably written off a perfectly good suit, hasn't he?

Colin, give him a handkerchief.

Never mind about giving it back Mr. Hanson,

it's done its three weeks.

How's it going then, Graham?

I'm not getting any reading.

You did you plug it in, did you?

Oh yes.

Yeah, I don't understand it.

Would you like Colin to switch it on?

It's not switched on?

Not until you give the word Graham, you're the governor.

I'd like it switched on, please.

We've had a lot of trouble in this particular room, Graham.

Yes.

I often go by here and people are always irritable,

edgy, accident prone.

Yeah, I'll try over here.

These things are amazing, aren't they?

What?

Last year I went on a weekend computer course myself,

and I remember the bloke there actually told me...

What are you doing?

Please, that's my personal property.

It's not even paid for.

Thank you.

There's no need to panic Graham.

I wasn't gonna do anything silly. Let me show you what I was going to do.

No, don't touch it.

Please, just don't touch, anything.

Now that, is exactly what I've been talking about.

A moment's carelessness, and bang goes a very nice little computer,

thank you very much, costing how much Graham?

It took me 6 months to program that.

Now, you know why we need this business sorting out.

Come on, I'll show you some more.

The gym Colin.

He's blaming the brickwork now.

You wouldn't believe it, he's got a consultant in,

testing the building to see why it makes people angry.

What you looking at?

It's Ben.

He's got a little friend.

Has he?

I didn't think there was room to...

Good lord.

They've been playing together all morning, Carole says.

Really?

Yes they, seem to getting on rather well.

Look he's playing peekaboo.

Intelligent animals, mice.

Ah he seems really happy, doesn't he?

It's almost as if he prefers the mouse's company, to mine.

Well you can understand that Carole.

Can you?

Well I mean, you're out here working, serving customers and so on,

that mouse is with him all the time.

Perhaps he'll grow up like Mowgli.

Thinking his real parents are mice.

He could learn their language.

The secret ways of the skirting board.

Oh only joking Carole.

Yes I knew you were, of course I knew you were.

Come along Colin, don't spare on the horses.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, over to the desk.

All right Carole?

Julie?

Do you think you could lend us a couple of aspirin?

Graham here says he's feeling a bit headachy.

Hmm a headache.

I wonder what brought that on.

Nothing to do but stand around Gavin?

Oh just, hopping down to the gymnasium, Mr. Brittas.

If you wanna do something useful, check the car park for litter.

Right. About turn Colin.

Last stop before home.

Ow!

You all right Graham?

I think we ran over his foot, Mr. Brittas.

It goes on doesn't it, eh?

There's a boy, come on Col.

Keep up Gra.

So, Ben are you going to spend, all day in there with a mouse?

Or are you going to come out, and have a little play with mummy?

Thank you, Colin.

There's not a lot of point testing in here, I'm afraid.

I beg to disagree Graham.

Believe it or not, this is one of our worst areas.

Only last week, we had the entire Swedish netball team,

plus reserves, on this floor in tears.

I saw it with me own eyes. -It's true.

Mr. Brittas was...

I meant, there's no point testing a room this size.

Sick Building Syndrome's associated with, confined spaces,

artificial lighting.

Well, I still think it's worth checking.

But you can't...

All right, all right, I'll do it.

Are you sure these people won't complain?

Ah, now there you touch on a sore point Graham.

Sadly, these good ladies couldn't complain,

even if they wanted to.

That's why they're here. -What?

They're doing an awareness and assertiveness course.

You see Graham, the ladies in this room,

lack self-confidence.

Perfectly understandably as far as I'm concerned.

They're all rather unattractive, overweight

and in fact Graham, not very bright.

So what we do, is we bring them in here,

to persuade them, that despite all that,

they still have a real individual worth and value.

Isn't that right Marjorie?

My name's Rosemary.

Course it is, good old Rosie eh, well done that girl.

I've had enough of this.

Pardon?

I'm sorry.

I can't stand here and listen to any more of this.

I'm going home.

That's interesting.

It's happening to you now, isn't it?

What?

Irritable, upset. That's the precise syndrome we're talking about Graham.

No it's not.

It's quite different.

He's getting it, isn't he Colin?

Well.

Oh don't talk rubbish.

Graham, I'm sorry,

but those of us who've learned to live with it,

can see it very clearly in others and you, are getting it.

I'm not. -You are.

I'm not. -I'm afraid you are.

I am bloody not.

Look Graham,

we all know that you broke your little computer,

but I must ask you to control your frustration.

Particularly in front of these inadequate women.

You're doing it again.

You don't have to stay here, you know.

I had to.

It's my job to sit here and listen to idiots like this

because I need the money, but you don't.

You can leave.

All of you go on.

Get out while you can.

Go on, just, get your coat on and leave.

Well just don't come crying to me when you're hungry and it's dinner time.

All right, everyone outside please.

As quickly and as quietly as you can.

Very calm, no need to panic.

What's happening Mr. Brittas? Is there another fire?

I've decided to close the building Laura,

it's simply not safe. -Why not?

We've had another accident.

What happened?

Unfortunately, Graham has been flattened

by Mrs. Burke Kennedy.

A momentary lapse in concentration and down she came.

I'm sorry, Laura, we can't let anyone back inside until we got more plants in.

What?

More greenery Laura, help regulate the atmosphere.

Make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen again.

This way ladies, come on.

Straight out through, please Gavin.

Give them a hand Colin.

But Mr. Brittas.

It's an emergency situation Colin, give him a hand.

If he burns, he burns Ben, that's the way it goes.

Straight out, straight out please, everyone out.

Is that everyone?

Everyone outside?

Good.

We've got all the staff outside, Mr. Brittas,

I just wondered what you wanted them to do.

I think as long as they're out of this place Laura,

that's the main thing.

The best thing to do is send them home,

then ask volunteers to come in tomorrow with pot plants.

You're not going anywhere are you Mr. Brittas?

Don't you start Laura.

Right. Can we go to your office please?

Mr. Brittas, could we have a talk?

Wonderful idea, Laura.

Fix a time with Julie, I'll be only too pleased.

I meant now, Mr. Brittas.

Laura, we're in the middle of a considerable crisis,

I have to go and...

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

As long as you can keep it down to five minutes,

I'm very busy.

Mr. Brittas, why don't you listen to people?

What?

You never hear what people say.

Laura I had a medical three months ago.

My hearing is A1.

No I don't mean that. I mean,

you never hear what people say.

Like just now, when I asked if we could have a talk.

I didn't say "Mr. Brittas could we have a talk?

I said, "Mr. Brittas, could we have a talk?

And you didn't hear the difference.

What difference?

Well, the first would have meant,

I'd like to chat sometime, but the second means,

if we don't talk now I will probably self-destruct.

Right.

People don't just speak in words, Mr. Brittas,

they give hidden messages in how they say things,

and if you don't receive those messages,

that's when you upset people.

Laura are you trying to tell me, I've upset someone?

No Mr. Brittas, not someone, everyone.

You've upset the staff, the customers, your wife.

Helen? -Yes.

She's my wife, I love her.

Why would upset her?

I know Mr. Brittas but you...

Name one time, name one time Laura Lancing

I've upset my wife.

You remember the birthday present you bought her last week?

The moped, yes.

A blue moped, with big yellow oilskins, and a yellow helmet

with "Hi I'm Helen" written on the front of it.

Right, so she can pop into town whenever she wants to.

It was a very generous present, Mr. Brittas

but it embarrassed her.

It wasn't what she wanted.

It was, of course it was.

I asked her if she liked it and she said, "Yes it was fine".

Now that's exactly my point, Mr. Brittas.

If she'd said, "Oh, fantastic,

a moped is just what I've always wanted, how wonderful".

Then you could have been fairly sure it was okay,

but she didn't.

She said, "Yes, it's fine".

And that means it wasn't.

Well, I'm sorry Laura.

You've completely lost me there.

Why would my wife say the opposite to what she means?

Perhaps she didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Sorry?

Mr. Brittas, if someone gave you a present,

you wouldn't just say you didn't like it, would you?

Yes.

You would?

Tactfully of course, Laura.

Like one Christmas, Helen bought me a tie

and I told her in the gentlest possible way,

I didn't think the colour went with the material

or any of my clothes.

What did she say?

I can't remember,

I think she had to go check something in the kitchen.

Anyway, she gave me the money and I bought this one.

Which I treasure particularly, 'cause it came from her.

Mr. Brittas, could I suggest a little experiment?

Hmm?

I'm not convinced about this, Laura.

I just think we should try it, that's all.

You want me to ask her if she really enjoyed

getting that moped for her birthday?

And if she says, "Yes, it was fine".

That means, no it wasn't.

Then you want me to ask her,

if she wouldn't rather have had a little car instead.

And if she says no, no, not really.

That means yes, she would, much rather.

Are you sure about this, Laura?

Fairly sure.

Ah, so what, in fact you...

No, no, that means I'm positive.

I wish people would say what they mean,

it's all rather confusing.

It's called a subtext, Mr. Brittas.

Look, here she comes now. I'll take the trolley inside.

Good luck.

Everything all right Gordon?

Fine my love, just fine.

Only I rang earlier, and they said you were still stuck

so, I thought I'd bring you some sandwiches

in case you don't get home for supper.

Thoughtful as ever my darling, but no thanks,

I shan't be much longer.

Well you're not coming home like that are you?

Stone mason's due here any minute.

Had to pick up some Connemara marble at Gatwick

then he's coming straight over.

As long as you're all right.

Suppose I better get back to the kids then.

Helen?

Yes?

Moped going all right is it?

Yes thank you.

And you like it do you?

What?

The moped.

Yes, yes it's fine.

I was just wondering if perhaps you wouldn't have preferred a car instead?

Well I'd... No, no, not really.

Because if you would we'll get rid of the moped, and buy one.

What, seriously?

Yes.

Oh Gordon, I mean it's not as though I'm not grateful,

it was a very kind present.

I'll take it back down the garage in the morning.

Oh Gordon, thank you.

Oh dear, I've got lipstick on you, I'm sorry,

it's just, that I, -- oh Gordon.

Bye then, see you for supper then -- darling.

How did it go?

Extraordinary Laura, quite extraordinary.

She looks pretty happy.

I haven't seen her like that in years.

Laura you're a smarter girl than you look.

Thank you Mr. Brittas.

People say one thing and meaning the exact opposite,

who'd have thought it, eh?

Who indeed, eh?

Are you the bloke with his feet set in concrete?

Ah ha, the worthy stone mason.

I'm sorry I'm late. I came over as quick as I could.

Not to worry Mr. Burrage,

my time has been most profitably spent.

Now let's have a look.

Always good to see an expert at work, Laura.

You enjoy this work, do you Mr. Burrage?

Yeah, fine.

Ah, so you'd rather be doing something else, would you?

Not really, no.

What is it you particularly dislike about your job, Mr. Burrage?

The lack of mental challenge perhaps?

What? -I can quite understand that.

Not a lot of brain power required

in heaving lumps of rock around all day,

certainly no life for the intelligent, eh?

Mr. Brittas... -Don't stop me now, Laura,

I'm just getting the hang of this.